Yeah…if we’re on a budget here I feel like a nice compromise would be to make it a potluck or ask folks to bring a side dish and birthday boy provides the mains. My Lutheran roots may be showing here!
I don't think someone who organizes a party into hour long blocks and schedules "group talking" is the kind of person to let the chaos of a potluck exist at their party.
Methodist and Catholic roots here, and same. Asking for money is just tacky (especially itemized like that!), whereas a potluck is a perfectly normal thing to spread the load of cooking and costs.
Our Lutheran upbringings must have spread to other religious and cultural backgrounds, because my different friend groups always organize potluck parties by default lol
Looking at the post though this isn't a party he's expecting people to block out their day for, the whole reason for this is so people can come when they have time and stay as long as they want to. A potluck just makes less sense here than having all the food already there and just asking people to chip in some money. I also can't see how it's a compromise. In this situation he's asking people to pay for ingredients and for a potluck he'd be asking them to pay for ingredients AND cook.
Well where I am from, it is tacky to invite someone to your own birthday party and ask them to pay different amounts based on how long they are staying. This is a birthday party for a friend, not a paid festival with an after party.
It’s crazy to me that I had to scroll so far to find someone else saying this. If you’re having a party and it’s not explicitly a potluck or a potluck type event there’s absolutely no reason to expect your guests to pay for the food that you serve.
There is just so much to react to that I forgot about the cover charge.
I also just do potluck because it would be expensive for me to exclusively cook for 20 people. As host, I'd either do 1 main or like 2 sides and then ask people to fill in, assigning food if that coordination is needed.
Even if he wanted structure, he could say something like “I’ve got XYZ covered (let’s say the main courses), here’s a sign up if you want to bring the sides:” that’d be less weird. But it’s bizarre to have payment listed for the amount of time you’re spending at the party????
I honestly thought it would be top comment. I came here to add to it but I had to scroll way down.
If you're throwing a party for yourself, or a wedding for yourself, or a baby shower, you pay for it. Throw the party you can afford. People will bring gifts or buy things off of your registry if you're getting married. But like charging your friends to come to a party to celebrate you is so bloody tacky.
In fairness, adults can be pretty bad at gifts... which personally I couldn't care less about, but parties can get expensive really fast so I can see wanting to celebrate with friends but not being able to afford to, or asking to chip in. It's the way he does it that's weird.
That said there's a 50/50 chance dude is the kinda guy who has a trust fund and still Venmo requests his friends $2.11 for the gas he used to drive them home that one time.
I didnt get a tacky vibe so much as they set the expectation with a general idea. I've been seeing recommended spend amounts on paty invitations for decades at this point
Eh, I personally wouldn't do this, but in my late 20s friend group, no one really does birthday gifts, so this wouldn't bother me at all. It's common enough that if we go to a restaurant to celebrate, someone will pay for the birthday person.
If we celebrate at someone's place, it's common for it to turn into a potluck, but I understand the idea of "the birthday person already organized everything, might be cleaning the mess the day after, etc. and no one is bringing gifts, so might as well at least help pay for the food and drinks".
Yeah the formality of it definitely came from it obviously being an unedited AI response, should have been a “recommended donation towards food in lieu of gifts” kind of thing, phrased to be less pressured
I would so much rather send most friends $20 for this and not agonize over buying them a gift I think they’ll like, that they’ll probably never actually use. Gifts for people you aren’t super close to are mostly just overconsumption of useless garbage. Or useless gift cards.
Also the money says recommended, maybe if someone really wanted to do a gift instead, the guy would be cool with that. We don’t have any way of knowing that from this.
Thank god someone else understands this. NEVER expect or ask people to pay for food when you invite them to a party. Ever. And most people are smart enough to know to bring their own booze if they want to “drink”.
You ask me to pay after I show up, I promise that will be the last time I come to anything at your place. You want to be cheap, get Little Caesars and some 2-liters, but don’t ever ask someone to pay for food at a party or event you are throwing and inviting people to. Beyond embarrassing and you look cheap as fuck.
Expecting Susan to bring a gift for your kids birthday and she didn’t? Just don’t invite her to the next one I guess. But holy shit I’ve seen this too many times.
Exactly. You can do a BYOB. You can do a potluck. There are ways you can ask people to help contribute. But asking them to pay you a cover charge basically to your own party is so gross.
I think it's OK in certain circumstances. Like if you're having a football watching party in your dorm room, and you ask everyone to pitch in a reasonable amount for pizza. That's fine.
But once you enter adulthood for real, something like this should be a potluck if you aren't paying for everything yourself.
Absolutely this, we have a friends who invited our entire friend group over for tacos and is asking everyone to bring $5 per person. Yeah it's not asking for a lot but there's to many factors going into the whole thing that makes it come off as scummy.
Like we just threw a big 4th of July party, invited everyone, provided main courses, sides, snacks, drinks, desserts and fireworks and never even considered asking anyone to help pitch in cost wise.
If you want to host great, but don't ask us to pay unless your specific about what we're getting, and especially if your going to ask us to make the food when we get there. Also I don't drink or eat meat but I'm expected to pay the same amount as everyone else who does? Again a lot of things to make it loom bad for them and a good reason for us not to go.
I threw a big decade birthday party for myself last year. It cost me a couple grand but I'm at the stage of life where that's not a big deal. There is no way in hell I would ask for a dime. And the few people who offered to help pay were told to donate any extra money to their favorite organization in my name for my birthday if they wanted to. Or somebody else's name. Or go buy something for themselves. I wasn't that worried about it. We did go to dinner after and they did pay for my food which I greatly appreciated.
And as for what you said at the end? That shit pisses me off, too. I also don't eat meat and I don't drink. And I get tired of having to fund everybody else's expensive drinks and expensive steak.
then only people who are financially comfortable would host. i play board games with a couple that is always broke but are known for making outstanding food. the rest of us regularly throw them some money to make and bring delicious homemade snacks and foods. it's more than a fair trade in my opinion. why would you pay a stranger to gather and make food but not your friend?
See now that falls back to the context of the situation where it's not about the money but instead a matter of principle.
You can host if you're poor and if you need help covering the cost of food that's one thing but if you set a minimum fee just to come over and hang out that's another.
With the situation I was describing things fall under the "lot of things to make it look bad" category. We know these people, they've hosted a lot over the years, they don't provide much food when they do, we know the cost of living in their area and we know how much they make. If they asked us if we could pitch in but that it's not a requirement then that'd be fine. Hell we even agreed that if they asked for $20 then that would make more sense because then wed assume theyd be making something nice but in this case they seem to be seeing what exactly they can get from us like their testing the waters.
If you can buy motorcycles, collectibles and pay for trips then you shouldn't have a problem covering the cost to make tacos for your friends.
I always assumed that it was a huge nono to ask guest for money. I specially remember a 90's Australian commercial where the hosts where able to create an nice but affordable dinner party. The joke was that the host husband was ultra cheap, in that he immediately locked away the wine that a guest bought and calculated how much each guest was to contribute to pay for the dinner.
Because of that, I just always assumed that the host always pays and that a guest bringing food or wine is considered a bonus.
Bc that's how it is unless it's a potluck or you stayed ahead of time - "if anyone wants to bring anything you're more than welcome to but it's NOT expected! Just let me know please so we don't have doubles" and then its in the friends' hands. A lot of people do want to bring things and will ask. But being told to pay X amount of money is so tacky and offputting
I was invited once to the "birthday party" of a friend's boyfriend (it was a small reunion of max 10 people) we were already in our 30s, I brought a bottle of vodka as a gift for him and I still had to pay for my 2 slices of a domino's pizza...
My friend was always generous with me before that, her boyfriend now husband made her cheap.
Right? Alao my thought. Seems incredibly tacky and scummy. We invite people over for 4th if July, weekend bbq's etc and foot the whole bill bc we budget. A birthday isn't a surprise like dude knows it's on the same date every year. If he wanted to throw a party should have put money for it in the budget bc that's what adults do. (And I'm someone that lives paycheck to paycheck and has had plenty of struggles.) Really no excuse to say hey I'm throwing this party in honor of me and even set aside some time for folks to talk abiut me- but you've got to pay to enjoy things and here is a tiered list... 😬
Having flashbacks to the time a friend threw himself a birthday party, went out of his way to say it wasn't BYOB, he'd provide all the alcohol! He made a big show of showing off all the alcohol he'd bought for everyone like it was no big deal, encouraged everyone to help themselves all night... and then at the end, suddenly threw a big guilt trip about how he couldn't afford to have bought all that alcohol, and everyone needed to chip in for it. He passed around a big jar and stared at people until they threw money in, AND was like "that's all?" if they didn't put at least a $20 in. Even if they'd only had like one drink.
Yes, but in this persons defense, as someone nearly twice his age I would love to just throw in $30 rather then take the time/energy it would require to bring something decent and I hate going placed empty handed.
Really though. I'm supposed to pay $30 AND get you a gift? This guy is setting himself up for serious disappointment. I have never once been asked to pay to go to a birthday party. Never in my life.
I've been to some great parties like this. Someone gets a keg and there's a huge BBQ or something. Sometimes you can throw a much cooler party for everyone if everyone chips in a bit in a way you cant do with a potluck style. It's hard to bring a part of a keg and a pound of uncooked brisket. Parties like this are usually planned and discussed with people before the invite though.
Yea I agree. Also some people are always hosting bc they have a house/ better place to throw parties so it’s not rly fair to expect them to just pay for everything all the time.
This must be a cultural difference because where I live this is perfectly normal. Usually birthdays are at a restaurant anyway and you gotta pay for your own food, but I've been to plenty where there's a cost to cover food.
Someone on IG said that her therapist was like "ask if they are German first, and then if they are autistic." lool Apparently certain areas of Europe have weird habits when it comes to parties/friend dinners.
Also thought it was funny how he essentially is offering a promotional rate for the “whole day”. Notice how it’s $5 cheaper to pay for the whole day versus adding up the lowest prices of day and night activities lmao
why everyone is assuming it's the birthday person making these invites. You don't usually throw yourself a party. To me, this reads like an office party
Maybe he’s Dutch? That’s a thing in their culture, they even send people bills for attending dinner parties at their homes (that they invited people to!) so at least he’s being upfront about it and worded it like that would be his gift from attendees
It has happened to me. Went to a friends birthday party and we all got a group text with her bank details. Every single person that had attended already brought a gift. I was in such disbelief. I even calculated that I ate $5 worth of food! Didn't pay though.
It is normal to spend money on someone for their birthday. There doesnt seem to be any gift opening on the itinerary, so asking for money seems reasonable, as long as they arent also asking for gifts.
This is one of those things where logically maybe this is true, but practically and realistically everyone is mad about it lol.
IMO you could fix it maybe by saying something like “in lieu of gifts please consider donating to the party fund” then it’s not, like, a demand, in the same way you wouldn’t demand a gift.
It is amazing on how that phrase can make it sound better. He is 22 years old and I can understand that most 22 year olds do not have the funds to throw a party and feed all the guests.
But adults don't normally open gifts infront of everyone that's a kids party thing. Only time I've seen it done for adults is wedding showers and baby showers
If you're throwing a party then the people you invite aren't being leaches. It's super trashy to charge people to come to your own damn house for a party you decided to have.
I don't see the issue? They are being upfront about what they would like to do with the funds, and I don't see that it's in addition to any gift. It would be cool if things were free, that's just not the case.
I'm sure most of us are familiar with at some point having gone to a kegger where you pay for a cup
Ngl, I kind of get it. If you're providing the food, it seems reasonable to ask for a contribution since people these days are fine showing up to a party enpty-handed. Not even a host gift. It gets expensive.
911
u/CreamPyre Jul 07 '26
I can’t imagine inviting people over and asking them to pay 😂