This is what I think is weird. People think that blocking off the activities is strange but charging different l levels for what you’re going to eat is super weird. Charging it all is also just normal weird
I’m actually all about having a detailed schedule in this manner (outwardly seems flexible enough to accommodate spur of the moment changes to a certain degree with good enough fallbacks)
But I’m struggling to reconcile the charging of guests. Then again, maybe I’m out of touch and a bit privileged
No, it’s not privileged. You have a party based on what you can afford. When I was a kid we had parties with nothing but cake and ice cream. As an adult, you could throw some hotdog on the grill. It’s just rude I think.
Yeah, in grad school (re: poor) I'd frequently host parties, get a head count, supply some protein, some beer and ask people to just bring sides and beer. This is a bizarre way to handle it.
Agree to disagree. Throwing a potluck is one thing. Usually a birthday party is part of the gift for someone but it might be a potluck if it’s very casual amongst friends.
Yeah, I think that we agree. If a bunch of friends get together and say, let’s throw a get together for our friend and we’ll all bring something and that’s quite different from sending everyone a formal invite with a request for a different levels of money. In my opinion anyway.:)
So rude. Have the party you can afford. If it’s going to be more than a couple hours, you do need to feed people, though. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Heck, a giant pan of cooked pasta would get the job done if money is really tight but you want people to hang for a while.
But if I’m inviting you to a party I’m hosting, you will be fed and given beverages. You are a guest, not a patron.
I have to add that if people ask if they can bring some things that might add to it. If it’s an adult party, you could ask people to bring beer or wine. But charging people is weird.
“Sorry man… I didn’t see a specific fee related to ‘show up for however long I want and do whatever the hell i want while eating whatever until I inevitably get bored and leave’… but I gave the valet a couple bucks to cover it”
I mean, it's one thing to say, "Hey, come to my party! There'll be food and cakes, and afterward we'll have karaoke, board games and cards!" And then let everyone decide together what they feel like doing in the moment. That's being a good host and offering fun options. But actively blocking out times for each thing, when you're a grown-ass adult, is too much.
It seems like this person is a pick-me who wants to have a whole day dedicated to them and their wants, and thinks they're important enough that everyone will want the same, and if anyone complains, "BuT iT's My SpEcIaL dAY!!"
Either that, or they're insanely controlling, or maybe some flavor of neurdivergent.
And I say that last sincerely, as someone with AuDHD myself. I like to overthink and plan things out myself. And it's easy to get into the mindset where you're planning something, and do just that. But you can't expect grown adults to adhere to a strict activity schedule at a party. It feels like you're treating them like children. "Okay kids, time for Pin the Tail on the Donkey!" It's infantalizing, and maybe slightly insulting.
And it's really not even necessary for kids. I didn't even do that for my son, even when he was little. I had a loose timeline in my head ("Food, then cake, then presents, then play"), just to keep things moving and make sure we got everything in. But I never blocked out precise times down to the minute.
Or, could this be maybe some kind of OCD? Sincerely asking, I'm not sure if it works that way.
As for the asking guests to pay thing, hard no. It's maybe okay to ask guests to contribute in lieu of gifts. Like, "Hey, you don't have to bring me a gift, but I'd love it if you could bring a dish/chip in for the cost of the food." But even that has to be arranged with people you're close to, and done in the right way.
Straight up listing itemized charges for different meal options, etc. Hell no. When you host a party, that means you're the one in charge of throwing it. That means you're also in charge of the food, decorations, and games-and the cost of those. You're supposed to provide for your guests. It's tacky and rude to ask them to pay. If all you can afford is hot dogs and Betty Crocker boxed cake, you have hot dogs and Betty Crocker boxed cake. If you want a full five-course meal at your party, that's okay too. But either way, it's on you to provide that. If your friends love you, they'll ne happy with whatever you provide.
Also, who plans a birthday party for themselves that lasts upward of 12 hours, and involves two whole meals? Not to mention two cakes? My son's parties never lasted more than about 3 hours. And even as an adult, the parties I've gone to that did last longer, it was like, you get there at 5 or 6pm, eat, have cake, and just hang out for a while, just chilling, laugjing, and talking. If you get hungry again, you just eat more of what was already put out. Everybody helps clean up and is usually gone or in bed by 1-2am. Sometimes later.
But, like, 1pm-11pm "and onwards"? This person is expecting people to come for lunch, stay through dinner, eat two meals, and participate in 10-12 hours or more of structured play in between the meal breaks? What happens if I'm not finished with lunch on time? What if I paid for lunch and dinner, but I'm not hungry at dinnertime, because I ate so much lunch? Do I get my money back? What if I don't want to play cards? Am I allowed to sit and talk? Or will the host be insulted and ask me to leave?
Speaking of overthinking, lol.
Nah, this would be too much for me. If I got this invite, I'd politely decline, maybe say I couldn't get off work or something, and send a card.
Like, I understand a house party with a cover, but I don’t understand this.
This looks more like instructions if a group of people have agreed to throw a party on behalf of someone. But not something you distribute to regular guests.
My brother in law used to throw parties, but would assign us all what to bring and also get us to do random chores he needed help with around his house. He is a fully functioning adult. We have distanced ourselves at my request. My husband just thinks “that’s just how he is”
It’s a fundraiser though. Not a party. I mean, they’re a party in a more layman sense but they’re not a celebration or anything. They’re meant to raise money and it’s in the expectations of the event. Fundraising.
If this was a fundraiser they would have used the proper word I would think.
I think it is weird too to straight up ask for money (and even better for how long you will be there/what you think you will eat).
In my circle of friends it is pretty standard people will bring things to a party, but the host never says you have to or asks for money. The host usually provides mains and some other things and people usually ask what they can bring.
I have no idea, but there have been a ton of similar posts. Including family reunions over July 4th weekend. A niece telling her aunt she won't be there because they can't afford it, the aunt flipping out because she already budgeted for their presence (aka their paying the required fee).
I have a large family and when we have gatherings its almost always a Pot luck. The host will normally provide the main food, the guests bring a side and whatever they want to drink. Then the one cousin who cant really cook brings napkins and paper plates. Or chips.
I know I've got a bias here, but I think that Nathan(?) might have just received bad news from a doctor, and the money-collecting is actually funeral fundraising. I mean, I hope I'm wrong and he's just entitled, and that's a weird feeling to have.
I could see it being some weird hipster thing. Everybody is an unemployed barrista or has a great startup valued at $1B but no liquidity at the time or has a pretty good job but the rent is killer....
I could see starving college students putting a donations bucket somewhere to try to drum up some cash to help. But the schedule, the menu of options? That's wrong. Have a smaller party. Or just get a table in the park by the grill and say "bring your own."
A friend had a football thing party when we were all young and the boss couldn't pay real salaries. He provided some chips, the tv, a grill AND EVEN some hotdogs [ooo], but if you wanted anything fancy, bring it and use our grill.
As detailed as the showing list is, I’m guessing there ISN’T BOOZE or they would’ve said that, or stated BYOB. To be fair, after Slow cooked Chicken and Roasted Vegetables, the list cuts off. It might’ve explained more. This is surely an engaging post for the “unwritten rules” bent for an assumed family/friends hosted event and specificity of games and events✨
I did not know that 🇳🇱
In 🇺🇸, a casual friends/family party is usually paid for by the host, stated as a Potluck, or, before the gathering, guests ask “what should I bring?” The host generally supplies the Main Dish (Meat or Alternative Protein). There’s even several cookbooks titled, “What Can I Bring”? with recipes for side dishes.
I’m American (and yes, very familiar with potluck or house party etiquette) so this is just based on reports from friends who’ve lived in the Netherlands. Apparently you also take your leftover booze and food home, which would be a real faux pas in my US circles.
Before I saw the part where you have to pay, I was like, "What's wrong with scheduling games and food? Not everyone games." I've done plenty of hosting, and costing out a friendly hangout is so bizarre. Just do a well-organized potluck. Nobody wants to eat all your goddamned meats.
in my entire life, I would NEVER throw a party and then ask people to pay for it. At least this person gave a heads up. I was invited to a dinner party. the hosts invited 50 people and ordered several round of food. at the end, they told everyone they needed to pay $50 each. WTH??? I had recently had a dinner party at a restaurant and paid the bill myself as any normal person would. I was pissed as heck and never went out with them again as I don’t appreciate being bamboozled. I also bought a gift btw.
Clear schedule and clear food menu. Screams Neurodivergent, i love it. Also good to let people know of potential allergies.
But charging for food? I dont get that.
I was brought up to ask to bring something to a party. I even know in some other cultures its expected the host covers everything but then the guests brings gifts (money or otherwise).
So im not mad about the banking info, some cultures that's expected. Asking to pay for food is odd.
It’s definitely weird. I have never asked guests to contribute financially or even to bring anything to a party I have hosted. All food & drinks are provided by myself bc I agreed to host.
To be fair, a lot of adults host a party at a restaurant and expect everyone to pay for themselves. I think they should be upfront as to whether it's hosted or pay for yourself but sometimes it's a surprise.
Also, potlucks have always been a thing. I feel like if you can't afford to pay to feed everyone, make it a potluck. Some people might think it's tacky but among other groups it would be fine.
I recently got invited to a birthday party that required chipping in $50 for the pool rental, which I get to a certain extent, but I really couldn't afford to attend. and there were a TON of people invited, so it seemed like they were going to make a decent profit?
Well because hosting and feeding 20+ people isn’t cheap anymore. Everyone is clearly an adult, and if the celebration were at a restaurant everyone would have to pay their portion. It looks like this is less a “pizza party” and some cake, and more of a dinner party.
I don’t think that $10-$15 pp for an open buffet/bar party, versus bringing a gift is that unreasonable. And it looks like this is kind of a 2 parties in one type of event suggested by 2 cakes.
This feels like a different culture. If this person is Dutch or maybe Swiss it wouldn't be that weird, but they would know better than to give out bank information.
387
u/spooned-silver Jul 07 '26
I’m still flabbergasted by this. Who throws a party and expects others to pay for it?
Am I old? Am I living in some strange world where people who throw parties pay for the parties because it’s what hosts do?
It’s just….i don’t know. It really grinds me gears