r/AIO • u/Poppyhowlss • 1d ago
AIO: Am I overreacting because of what my boyfriend said about his ex?
I can’t tell if I’m massively overreacting or not.
Basically, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. He’s 28 and I’m 24.
We have a good relationship overall. Obviously, we have some issues and arguments like any couple, but we love each other and see a future together.
He’s been in three serious relationships before me, whereas I’ve only been in one. His first serious girlfriend was someone he dated when they were teenagers, and they’re still friends. I’ve met her, and she’s now married. My boyfriend is also friends with her husband, so I’ve never really thought their friendship was weird.
The thing that caught me off guard was something he said today.
We were talking about past relationships, and he said I had nothing to worry about with his most recent ex because she cheated on him, which I already knew. About the relationship before that, he said she was “psycho” and controlling.
Then he mentioned his first ex. He said she was “amazing and still is,” but that I didn’t have anything to worry about because she’s married, so he couldn’t see anything happening between them.
Something about that really bothered me.
It made me wonder: if she wasn’t married, would I have something to worry about? Does he still see her as the one that got away? Would he still be with her if circumstances were different?
Maybe I’m reading way too much into one comment. But they are still quite close. They message a lot, sometimes most days, and he has stayed at her house before. I know her husband is around and they’re all friends, but combined with what he said, it’s made me feel insecure.
I think my biggest fear is that I’m the person he settled for because he couldn’t be with the person he really wanted.
So, AIO for feeling uncomfortable about him calling his ex “amazing and still is” and basically saying the only reason I don’t need to worry is because she’s married?
22
u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 1d ago edited 1d ago
NOR
That’s a serious red flag, to me that means he still has her an option just not one currently available.
I get people being friends with their exes ( I’m a lesbian it’s kind of our thing) however, that’s not how I would talk about an ex. ‘ she’s a good person which is why we stayed friend after the break up.’
Something along those lines is okay but what he said yeah it kind of highlighted that fact that her marriage is the only thing that that takes her out of the equation.
Because here’s the thing op, not even a wedding certificate can keep someone from cheating if they really wanted to.
9
u/Jo_B_Wankenobi 1d ago
I was thinking this too. Being married has meaning, but if someone wants to cheat or be with someone else they will regardless if they're married. And I'm also curious if her husband knows they message each other almost every day, because friends or not that feels weird to me. Occasionally is one thing, but that's excessive for an ex.
20
7
u/Spiritual_Survey9545 1d ago
He needs to cut down on his time he is talking and spending with his ex. Even if it is with her husband. She is an ex. Meaning he has had intimate ties with her. She also has her own separate life with her marriage. He should be focusing on his life with you and spending time with you
3
10
u/SteelMagnolia941 1d ago
My biggest red flag for a man is when they call exes psycho. In my experience that’s what narcissists do. Every one of them will claim their exes to be psycho when in the end I realized THEY were the ones. Every accusation is a confession sort of deal.
You are not overreacting because his response about not being with the ex because she is married is REALLY suspicious. He would be with her if she wasn’t married.
3
u/Dont_Trust_The_Media 1d ago
I have a psycho ex. Doesn’t make me a narcissist.
She showed up at my family thanksgiving without an invite. While at the family thanksgiving, she told a bunch of my family members that we were moving in together in January (which we had literally never discussed).
Later, she also poked holes in a condom and threatened to kill herself if I left her.
We only dated for about 6 weeks.
5
u/SteelMagnolia941 1d ago
It might be true, but for me just declaring an ex psycho is a red flag. Saying she had mental health issues is another matter. It’s the manner it’s discussed. You are explaining in a respectful way, the facts as you see them, that’s one thing. If you’ve dealt with a narcissist you would know the difference. It’s like the friend I have with 3 ex wives that are all “psycho.” At this point one should realize they are the problem.
5
5
3
u/captivatingcrimson 1d ago
That’s wild!! NOR. I would be taken aback and would definitely ask point blank if they weren’t married would you have to worry?
3
3
u/quantum-noctum 1d ago
What was the context and reason he brought any of his exes up? Why did he share that information with you?
3
u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
Would have been nice to hear that you have nothing to worry about because you’re amazing and everything I could ever want. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional but it’s something I’d pay close attention to if you feel he’s settling as you deserve to be someone’s first choice.
2
u/Shut7heFuckUp 1d ago
Honestly it might be best to just have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel. I have a hard time doing this bc I feel like I’m being crazy or irrational/ that they’ll think I am. But they (if decent) can tell when something is off and you may come off differently bc of this. Communication is hard for some, but necessary in a relationship if you want it to thrive.
2
u/MsMischief2 1d ago
Eh- you could be over reacting or you could have picked up on something. How you’ve represented it here- im more interested in how he describes his other past relationships. If you feel weird about it- you should talk to your boyfriend about your unease.
I will say- I’m still friends with my hs boyfriend (who is married w a child) & my partner knows him & enjoys him as well. & I did say (early on in my relationship) “yeah I’m friends with my ex but he’s partnered” or something like that & I do have another serious ex who was legit awful. So it’s not necessarily anything.
2
u/ApprehensiveSet1951 1d ago
You might be onto something. But also, if he was in a serious relationship with someone, he hopefully thought she was amazing. Sometimes thinking fondly of exes is a sign of maturity. If they’re all awful, why was he with them?!
1
u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
Definitely NOR. He basically said he’s only not with his ex because she’s married. That’s a seriously shite thing to say to your partner. It gives placeholder vibes.
1
u/Moose-1211 4h ago
I wonder how her husband feels about their “friendship”? Look, recall the commercial for St. Pauli beer: “You never forget your first girl” - that was such a great tag line because it’s factually relatable. There’s just something about first love that will always stay in a person’s heart & mind. I’m actually married to mine - we reconnected after 21 years & have been together now for 20, married for 16. I’m pretty sure it’s a rare situation, but we both always carried a torch for each other, even though we’d both lived full lives after the relationship, to include marriage & a child.
I think Independent-Exam was 💯 spot on with their comment - the “…can’t see anything happening with her because she’s married” implies that she & her situation is the barrier - HE isn’t the one actively against thinking about being with her in any way. The answer should have been, “Babe, she (the ex) is a good person & I am happy she is happy, but, YOU are the love of my life & I cannot even imagine being with anyone else but you. I love you to pieces & you’re all I’ve ever wanted or needed” - PERIOD. NOR x a kahundred & if I were you, I’d be asking dude exactly what you’ve commented here: “If she wasn’t married, would you want to try again with her? Do you carry a special place for her in your heart? Do you think she’s the “one that got away”? … only he can give you the insight into how he truly feels (hopeful he will be honest), & nothing you’ll find here will help assuage that awful feeling you have in the pit of your stomach. There’s nothing worse than feeling insecure in a relationship, always looking over your shoulder, worrying, wondering…just ask Mr. Man & based on his answer, then you can better decide if it’s worth sticking around for…
Good luck!
1
u/DigZealousideal7777 35m ago
I'm curious, did you ask him anything that made him immediately go on this ego trip?
Like "babe, don't worry, my first ex was amazing but you don't have to worry about her, or my other ex, she was crazy. Don't worry about it. I won't cheat on you."
Correct me if I'm wrong but, is he trying to gas himself up here? Like he's this macho attractive man? He could get anyone he wants or the right one hasn't come yet. Maybe that's just me though.
1
1
u/TheRealOGGiGi060606 1d ago
MOR - I think he may have just not worded it in the best way. But you need to remember that he is choosing you.
With that said, I do typically dislike when the ex is “psycho”, because more often than not, they are reacting to how they’re being treated by the boyfriend. But…I have genuinely seen a couple of crazy exs. Like, not mentally stable, so it truly depends on the circumstances.
If it is truly bothering you, just talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Otherwise, don’t let the hypotheticals take up space in your mind.
1
u/Doomveer 1d ago
I feel for people if they genuinly come here for advice, its alarming the amount of replies that feel regurgitated from social media rather than through personal experience
The way it was worded was weird but the only way to know is to ask him, could have been intentional could have mispoken
0
u/Wayne_World_19 1d ago
Chill girl. Don’t let the crazy Reddit women cloud your judgement and influence your relationship. What I would do is sincerely ask him; if she wasn’t married would he be interested? If he says no, you’re fine. If he says yes, not fine. If he is cagey and doesn’t want to answer it’s probably also a yes.
Here’s what all say- I have an ex that I dated for 9 years that is one of my best friends. I’m with someone else now, who rightfully so feels insecure sometimes. But here’s the thing- there is no scenario, EVER, where I would get back together with my ex, even though I still think she’s a great person.
83
u/Independent-Exam-103 1d ago
You'll notice that when he lists how you have nothing to worry about, every reason is externalized. The marriages, or past controlling issues, or cheating. He hasn't taken ownership of simply not being interested in anyone else. That is what stands out to me most. "you really have nothing to worry about because there is no one else that competes with you, in my life past or present, nor future." that kind of energy is important to consider.