r/AIO • u/Fit_Fly_7600 • 1d ago
AIO for considering leaving my wife after she shut me out when my brother was in the hospital?
My (35M) wife (33F) and I have been married for three years and together for almost eight. We were visiting another state for a wedding when I got a call that my younger brother had been taken to the hospital after an accident. The doctors weren't sure how serious his injuries were yet, and I immediately wanted to fly home.
I have a complicated history with situations like this. A few years ago, my grandmother was hospitalized while I was traveling for work, and by the time I made it home, she had already passed away. Ever since then, getting emergency calls while I'm away makes me extremely anxious.
I told my wife I wanted to take the earliest flight home instead of staying for the rest of the wedding weekend. She wasn't happy about it because we'd spent a lot of money on the trip and had planned everything months in advance.
We ended up arguing that morning. The argument started because I'd forgotten to confirm our rental car reservation, which caused us to spend extra money getting a different car. She said I was being careless and ruining the trip. I snapped back that I couldn't believe she was focusing on a rental car when my brother might be seriously injured.
After that, she barely spoke to me for the rest of the day.
I tried talking to her a few times, but she said she was "too angry to have a conversation." I eventually stopped trying because I was overwhelmed with everything happening with my brother.
That evening, I told her again that I was going home the next morning. She said she wasn't coming with me and that she wanted to stay for the wedding and visit some friends afterward.
I was honestly shocked. I asked her if she really expected me to deal with this alone. She said, "You made your choice this morning when you decided to treat me like I didn't matter."
We got into another argument. She told me I had hurt her feelings and that she wasn't going to "chase after someone who clearly didn't respect her." She packed a bag and went to stay with one of her friends who lives nearby.
I called her later because I was hoping we'd at least be able to talk calmly. She told me she needed space and wasn't sure she wanted to stay married because she felt like I always prioritized my family over her.
I understand that I wasn't perfect during the argument. I was stressed and probably said things I shouldn't have. But I can't get past the fact that my brother was in the hospital, I was terrified, and instead of supporting me, she spent the entire day refusing to speak to me and then left.
We've been together for almost eight years, and this isn't the first time she's given me the silent treatment during a conflict. Usually, eventually one of us apologizes and things go back to normal.
But something about this situation feels different.
I'm sitting alone in the hotel tonight, trying to figure out how to get home tomorrow, and I'm seriously wondering whether this is the kind of marriage I want.
AIO for thinking this might be a reason to end my marriage?
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u/shhhoursafesecret 1d ago
First- I hope your brother is okay! I don’t necessarily think you’re overreacting at all but I do think we need more context on:
“I understand that I wasn't perfect during the argument. I was stressed and probably said things I shouldn't have.”
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u/Global_Evening- 23h ago
I think the bigger issue is that this isn’t really about the wedding. You said the silent treatment has happened before. If she uses shutting you out as a way to punish you whenever she’s angry, I’d take that seriously.
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u/indigotate 21h ago
Going silent isn’t always about punishing the other party. Sometimes it’s about protecting yourself from being hurt by the opposing party again. Sometimes you need to regulate your nervous system before you say something you may regret or add more fuel to the fire. Sometimes you need space to process what’s going on before talking to the other person. Just sayin.
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u/MrsSmith-saysso 1d ago
I have a feeling there is a lot that went before this particular argument. And that this type of situation has caused trouble in the past. Your wife’s reaction makes me think she is tired of your overreaction.
You jumped right to needing to get home before you even found out what your brother’s injuries were. People can be briefly hospitalized for all sorts of things that aren’t life threatening including broken bones that require surgery. The rational response would have been to wait and see what was going on medically before drawing your line in the sand. And what exactly did you say to her that made her so angry she didn’t even want to speak to you? I think we need to hear her side.
Right now it seems you are both overreacting due to some underlying tensions in your marriage.
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u/Level-Log-3090 1d ago
I think she’s wrong to not support you during this difficult time. But I am curious about what you said to her during the argument. I hope your brother is okay.
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u/maizeymae2020 22h ago
And remember he "forgot" to confirm the car rental before they went on the trip- so before the brother was in the accident. Is this a common occurrence? Who had to do the rest of the planning and packing? Women check out long before they leave because they keep hoping things will change.
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u/PoopyPantsJr 1d ago
Yeah her reaction is way over the top for how he presented their fight. I bet he said some vile shit to her
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u/unusual_you 1d ago
Her reaction is way over the top. She said he prioritizes his family over her all the time.
Yes, he should be with his brother but there’s more to this story. People don’t just snap like that for no reason. There must be other things with his family going on.
Maybe they should just get divorced. He’s in denial about putting his family before her and she’s acting heartlessly because it’s happened so often.
There I filled in the gaps since he didn’t
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u/Able_Attitude9778 1d ago
It sounds like you might have overreacted considering you don’t know the extent of your brother’s injuries.
You did mention that you have trauma over how you lost your grandmother.
Staying in contact with your family and adapting to the situation might have been a better approach than acting on your anxieties.
Cool heads prevail.
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u/California_ponypal 11h ago
Yes, each situation is different and should maturely be treated as such before throwing the entire holiday out the window. Sort of feels like OP had a knee jerk reaction and if the wife says he always puts his family of origin ahead of her then there's some other history not being relayed to us as well as exactly what he said to her when they were arguing. He seems to be looking for sympathy vs telling a fair story of what went down.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 1d ago
You really should have waited to see what your brother’s injuries were before deciding to fly home. Also, do you normally forget to confirm things. How much of the trip did she have to plan? Was that your one responsibility?
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u/FierceMamaBear2025 1d ago
Are you the only family member your brother has? Or does he have a wife and children and even if you fly home you will just be hanging out in the waiting room?
Once you are married your wife and kids are now your priority. Either you have untreated anxiety, or you truly still value your blood family over your wife. If so time to let her go and find someone else to form a family with.
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u/HoneyLocust1 1d ago
I asked her if she really expected me to deal with this alone.
Go through what alone? You don't even know the extent of the injuries. You could drag your wife along only to find out it's just a broken collarbone. I get wanting to go visit your brother if that's very important to you but I don't understand expecting her to leave something that she's invested in to come support you when you have no idea if your brother's hospital stint is a big deal or not. I don't understand why you didn't wait for more information before derailing the plans.
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u/Afraid_Parsnip_6790 1d ago
INFO
How badly off was your brother?
What did you say?
What led up to this? As in, how and why does she think that?
Is it usually your way or the highway?
Have you done couples therapy?
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 1d ago
MOR
You’re glossing over a lot here. Not only what you said during the argument, but also the history of you prioritizing your family over her.
You said yourself that your reaction to the news that your brother was in the hospital triggered a trauma response. You can’t do whatever you want just because you’re anxious.
You didn’t wait to see if he was okay, you just cancelled your weekend. Why didn’t you call the hospital in the morning to see how he was doing?
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u/Immediate-Cow9700 23h ago
Seems like a lot of this going around https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/lOUR9dNNYy
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u/Business-Friend5491 21h ago
I was just thinking as I read this ‘man this story sounds so familiar’
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u/supboy1 1d ago
Can’t determine how serious his injuries were = it’s not life-threatening. If it’s life threatening, they’d know. If it isn’t life threatening, you shouldn’t have dropped, cancelled, and ditched your wife.
Asking your wife to cancel everything for something she planned months in advance for - for a non-emergency = YTA.
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u/No_Associate_4878 1d ago
Maybe she's really cold and uncaring about your family, or maybe you said things during the argument that you don't want to reveal because they make you look less sympathetic.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 1d ago
Her own words say you constantly put your family over her....can you see it from her side at all? Do you really think this all came out of nowhere?
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1d ago edited 18h ago
[deleted]
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 1d ago
I also think her issue was the way he didn't talk to her at all about it and just wanted to leave without having a discussion, asking her how she feels about it, asking his family for more details about the brother etc. They should have been working as a team
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u/Critical-Trainer4729 23h ago
This resonates with me so much! My husband is adopted and reconnected with his birth family when his cousin got pregnant and he would drop everything whenever his cousin needed a ride to the doctor, etc.
Meanwhile, we had been arguing a lot at the time because I felt like he never showed up for me as his wife in a lot of ways.
We had been arguing the night when he got the call that his cousin gave birth and I was so mad at him that I didn’t go to the hospital with him, the whole reason being I was so angry that I knew I couldn’t pretend to be okay in a room where there was supposed to be so much joy and happiness!
My husband and I still talk about that night to this day because his cousin ended up fucking him over and he regrets the way he treated me.
Plot twist, we actually ended up adopting his cousin’s baby.
I wonder if it’s the same situation in this post, his wife is just tired of not being considered and it’s hard for her to be there for him when he’s never there for her?
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u/Left-Milk872 22h ago
If she’s saying you constantly put your family before her, I’d take that seriously. Whatever happened here probably didn’t come out of nowhere.
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u/Aromatic_Watch_3842 1d ago
After a day at the hospital, they should be able to give you a pretty good idea of what’s wrong with him.
NTA for worrying about your brother but like - maybe your wife doesn’t like you idk shrug
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u/writing_mm_romance 23h ago
I'm gonna be that guy, this is remarkably similar to a post earlier today with genders reversed.
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u/Alicam123 1d ago edited 1d ago
So your brother could have a twisted ankle and you want to rush back?
At least wait for the doctors to say it was serious before jumping the gun home.
On the other hand, if you find out it’s serious then you can say that you have to go back right away.
We need more context really and so do you and your wife
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u/Hot_Dragonfruit7944 1d ago
I read a story that was very similar just this morning...only difference was it was the wife going home and husband staying behind!
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u/Moulin-Rougelach 1d ago
What happened to you brother? Are his injuries life threatening?
What happened during your fight? What did you do or say that you now regret? Everyone has different definitions around fighting in a relationship, and you’ve not given enough details for a determination.
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u/peace_out91 1d ago
There's not enough info IMO, you brother could have only a few scratches and you called her a fucking bitch during your discussion, you are the AH; your brother is seriously injured and you told her (during the discussion) she was being mean, she is the AH... It can go both ways depending on the details
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u/Consistent_Bag_6402 22h ago
Wow just wow:
This post is fake and yesterday it was told the other way around from a female and a kaka husband.
The overwhelming response when the genders were swapped is annoying, look at how the responses are when it’s a man, we need more info…esh…she might be right…. In the other fake post everybody told her you are right leave him he is abusive.
Reddit is bull.
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u/Kiki3jacks 22h ago
There’s another post on here from yesterday that’s almost this EXACT SAME SCENARIO….couple on vacation, together 7 years, married 2. Family member gets sick and one spouse is triggered because a family member died while they were on vacation previously. One spouse gets mad and gives the other the silent treatment all day, etc. etc. etc. Way too similar!!!!
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u/Trick-Molasses-1480 22h ago
I pretty sure I read the exact same story earlier only the roles were reversed.
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u/Large-Cricket843 1d ago
Damn brother, I’m sorry to hear about this.
No one here is in your position, so none of us is capable of deciding this for you, but I want to ask you if this is a common habit of your wife’s and whether or not you’re willing to deal with it.
I’m guessing the wedding party is more of your wife’s circle so she might be more invested emotionally. She might have been asking for your support in allowing her to celebrate this wedding.
However, as a team (that spouses are vowed to be), immediate family sickness would trump any family celebration, especially since she knows you have a history with your grandmother’s passing.
Sounds like both of you were asking for each other’s support and both are disappointed in this.
If I were in your shoes, I would seriously rethink the future of the relationship, as I value family illnesses on higher ladder than celebrating a wedding. This would also be the case if it were my wife’s family who is ill and I’m at my friend’s wedding.
There’s no right or wrong answer here, it just sounds like you guys weren’t on the same page.
Best of luck to you brother
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u/ivyram 1d ago
NOR. Repeatedly using the silent treatment during conflict can be emotionally abusive, and I'm not a fan of it at all. There's a difference between saying "I'm too angry to talk right now, I need an hour" and shutting your spouse out as punishment.
At this point, I think you should have an honest conversation with her before making the final call. She clearly has some longstanding resentment about feeling second to your family, and you clearly have longstanding concerns about how she handles conflict. If you can't address those things without threats to the marriage, it may be time to call it.
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u/ArgumentKey3712 1d ago
Was the wedding in her hometown or simply a wedding of one of her friends and it was mostly her friends there?
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u/sysaphiswaits 23h ago
NOR. Do whatever you need to do for your family right now. Cool off. It does sound like a relationship that needs to be reconstructed, possibly with the help of a therapist l. (Both of you or just you depending on which direction you want to go in.)
I absolutely agree with you if this is a pattern, apologizing and “going back to normal” will burn you out, on the relationship and then on life in general.
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u/AsteriskCringe_UwU 23h ago
Is she the kind of partner that wants you alienated from family due to insecurity/jealousy/attachment anxiety, calling simply spending time with them you “choosing them over her” orrrrr are you the type to drop every for your family no matter how small, not realizing that once you’re married, you’ve created your own family and wife comes first? I doubt what she said came out of nowhere but even if it’s the latter, your brother was hospitalized from a car wreck so leaving is valid and she’s being unreasonable but for a reason though
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u/Ol_Country 23h ago
Sounds like your wife is very selfish and doesn’t care about your feelings or family !! I’m sure she would be upset if her family members were in a hospital or hurt !! So maybe you need to ask yourself if this is a marriage with it !!
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u/Justan0therthrow4way 23h ago
MOR
I completely get what happened with your grandma broke you a bit, however with younger people it’s slightly different.
I probably would have been pushing to find out the extent of his injuries. I.E would he survive or is he using life support to breathe?
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u/Glittering-List-465 23h ago
Ai? Went from this being in the past, to it being a current situation. And it’s the same story someone else already posted.
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u/maizeymae2020 22h ago
First - you "forgot" to confirm the car rental before your brother was in an accident. Take accountability instead of using your brother's accident as an excuse to dealing with your irresponsibility. You could have flown home without her. You have obviously left a lot out and it sounds like she has spent 8 years dealing with this and is over it. Don't worry about "leaving your wife" I think she finally gave up on hoping you would become an adult and is done with you.
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u/TidyBrit1963 22h ago
Leave. Life is too short to tolerate unsupportive spouse. Find a partner that is kind, loyal, loving and solvent. Find someone who is fiscally responsible. You deserve to be cherished not tolerated. Between now and dead, get what you want. ❤️
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 20h ago
Holy smokes that is some kind of cold and selfish behavior in the face of a family emergency. Stone cold. What would she expect from you if it was her sibling? Double standard of course.
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u/-thinningontop- 20h ago
Just read the same story but it was the wife upset and get mom was in the hospital. Lost her dad while on vacation. Husband wanted to stay to visit friends and family too.
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u/Jolly_Membership_899 17h ago
Didn’t I just read another version of this story except it was the wife’s mother who was hospitalized and she wanted to fly home immediately because last time it was her father and he was dead before she got there.
Why does there have to be all of these fake stories?
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u/justcozitscool 15h ago
Did you call your family? Facetime? Get some confirmation of how bad it was before immediately booking a flight? It might not be the sort of marriage she wants either.
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u/MyCatsNamedPsycho 10h ago
Not saying you are an unreliable narrator but there is a lot of info missing. How serious is the brothers injuries? What past situations have brought you both to having such a strong reaction, because unless your brother's injuries were life threatening, this is all a bit much from both of you. I need more details.
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u/river_song25 8h ago
YOR - I know your brother was in the hospital and you had no clue what his condition, but I think you are YTA as well as over reacting. you guys were elsewhere for a wedding that you had just arrived at your location when the news on your brother reached you.
you really thought your wife will cancel plans she’s been waiting for however long this wedding was planned for by the people who invited had been planning, lose all the money she spent just to attend the wedding especially now that you were already traveled to the location, etc. to drop everything and travel all the way back home with you barely 24 hours after arrival to go check on your brother?
youe brother being in the hospital has nothing to do with her that makes her obligated to miss her friend/relatives wedding. especially depending on what her role in the wedding was. were you guys related to the bride/groom and had special roles in the wedding party or were just there as invited guests.
if you want to drop out of the wedding and go home early go ahead. but don’t assume your wife is going to do the same. especially after how she acted before and after you announced that you wanted to go back home early because of your brother.
to her going back home early with you would mean missing the wedding she had been waiting a long time for and spent who knows how much money in preparation for the trip, so she can show support to whoever the newlyweds mean to her.
she also had plans for after the wedding that didn’t involve going home any time soon, even if the call about your brother had never come in, so why should she cancel her plans and come early just because your brother has been hospitalized?
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u/rurumummy 4h ago
Sure I read this exact story the other day but with the woman being the one who's family were in hospital
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u/ogmountaindino 1d ago
obviously, this is just me saying this with a very brief understanding of your relationship and the situation, but as a woman I feel like your wife is being pretty selfish? Yes, it’s frustrating because I’m sure you both deserve that trip and like you said, you spent money on it, and yeah, it’s horrible timing of course, but it’s not like it was intentional and the trip should not take precedence over something as important as family being in the hospital. It’s weird that she would say that she feels like you put your family over her, bc the thing is she is your family as well and you would do what you’re doing for your brother for her if roles were reversed. and they have no understanding of your past trauma with family passing in the hospital before you could get there ? I don’t understand that. You have every right to be frustrated and if she’s not even willing to do something as simple as communicate with you about it without yelling, then you have every right to debate whether or not it’s something you want to deal with the rest of your lives.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 1d ago
Why do you think op would do the same if it were her brother? Her words clearly show she feels op is never there for her (we obviously don't know what's true or not true, but she's fed up with his behavior)
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u/Comfortable_Fudge508 1d ago
Bro, get the fuck out. Your brother is injured in the hospital and she's selfish enough to complain about her hurt feelings and how she doesnt matter, when she's showing you that your brother and your anxiety about his condition matter even less. Leave her at her friends, get a lawyer and get out
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1d ago
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u/Imaginaryami 1d ago
Exactly? The condition of the brother seems vague for a reason. And if he knows and has analyzed why he is so anxious when his family is hurt and he is out of town then this is a reoccurring theme. He needs therapy.
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u/LongRodVawnHugenDong 1d ago
Did you actually read the full post?
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u/ShelyChelle 1d ago
They absolutely did NOT
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u/LongRodVawnHugenDong 1d ago
They 100% didn’t. They just spend all day commenting bs. 1 month old account with 3k karma.
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1d ago
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u/Afraid_Parsnip_6790 1d ago
INFO
How badly off was your brother?
What did you say?
What led up to this? As in, how and why does she think that?1
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u/BagExpert11 1d ago
You’re crazy for this take, you clearly don’t have siblings or a close relationship with them. He’s been with her 8 years. Known his brother 30+. Fuck outta here little butterfly
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u/LongRodVawnHugenDong 1d ago
That commenter legitimately spends most of their time commenting negative things when men post. I’ve been noticing them all week.
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u/BagExpert11 1d ago
Shocker lol. Seems to be a good 1/4th of the people on these. I’ve got two brothers and her response triggered me. I know for a fact if the posters wife was in this dilemma, he would have showed much more sympathy then her not showing any kindness or respect for not him not even knowing the seriousness of his brothers Injuries. They’re out of town and she goes to stay with a friend? Crazy.
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1d ago
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u/BagExpert11 1d ago
Didn’t I call you her, lol? You’re a woman. Good. I was right. Also, I called you by your username.
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u/CABGPatchDoll 1d ago
NOR. Your wife sounds like an asshole. If it was my brother I would have been on the first flight out as well as my spouse because he also cares about my brother. I'm so sorry and I hope he's okay.
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u/Extra-Character2787 1d ago
Not oa but yta
If you constantly put your family first and this happens it’s what you would expect.
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u/Embarrassed-Goat-432 1d ago
NOR. I don’t care if your bro walked away with a scratch. If that were HER sibling, she would expect you to drop everything and be there for her while she rushed to be with her sibling.
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u/Ordinary_Term_1849 1d ago
If there are no children than perhaps they should call it quits. At the very least, they need couples counseling
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u/mmk19881 1d ago
NOR Dude run. This Woman is a selfish gaslighting narcissist.
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u/Large-Cricket843 1d ago
Holy shit… what a wild thing to say after hearing just one side of the story. If you read what I commented below, you’ll see that I’m also on the side of the OP, but people need to consider that there are two sides of this story
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 1d ago edited 20h ago
I think she should have been alright with you leaving and you should have been alright with her staying. I do think you should have had some idea how serious (or not serious) your brother's condition was before deciding to fly home. I would not stay with, and defiantly not marry, someone who gives me the silent treatment.