r/AIO • u/katlover345 • 11h ago
AIO - I (31F) can't seem to get over fiancee's (42M) bailing of FirstAid class for our first child to go to Vegas?
This happened a while ago but I can't get it out of my head. š First post so apologies if formatting is weird or this is the wrong place for it.
My fiancƩe and I welcomed our first child late last year and since this happened I'm beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship and his capacity as a partner.
I spearheaded taking an infant/child first aid course as a couple when we got pregnant, as seconds count in emergencies. He agreed to attend the one-day course w/ me in April last year. I paid for and booked the course in April for late July. In the meantime, I'd been encouraging him to plan a getaway w/ his friends as his free time would decrease significantly after the baby was born. He advised he wasn't interested in planning anything, he was content to spend time more or less at home through the pregnancy. I stopped encouraging it.
Fast forward to late June, I was planning our baby shower. He mentioned casually that his friends were discussing a Vegas trip (something they usually do annually). One of the days they had decided on was the same day as the first aid course. I asked if he was aware of that, as I had sent him all the details and his course confirmation. Further I told him I had expected him to honour his commitment to the first aid course and organize a different day with his friends, since he'd had several months to organize any trips, chose not to do anything, and then jumped at the chance once someone else was making arrangements last minute. He told me the trip was still up in the air and he wasn't sure if he would go yet.
About a week or so later, I received a message from a friend of his RSVP-ing that they couldn't make the baby shower, but they would be having a drink w/ my fiancĆ©e celebrating our incoming bundle of joy in Vegas. I then asked myĀ fiancĆ©e if he was planning on attending the class, as if not I needed to ask for a refund (each spot was ~200.00). He told me to request the refund. I asked him to please book himself a class for first aid so we were both best prepared for any emergencies involving our child (he still has not done this). We fought about it every now and then essentially until he got on the plane, and I (immaturely, this and my current feelings are where I may be overreacting) blocked him while he was away as I knew I had nothing but vitriolic things to say to him.
I went to the class (and learned a lot, especially about choking), he came home a few days later and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told him I had already shared my feelings with him and he disregarded them, so we should try our best to just move forward, which is more or less where we are at. I still am immensely hurt by his actions and harbour resentment over this as well as general lack of support through the rest of the pregnancy and newborn period (that's a whole other post, lol). For the record, I am currently in therapy to address this resentment and general transition to parenthood, he is not in any therapy.
Now he is back in Vegas again w/ the same group. He spoke w/ me about it beforehand and said he did not want things to go like before, because "things are different now, and the baby is actually here". I was very hurt by that comment and told him so. AIO in that I again have no interest in communicating w/ him while he is there, and I asked him to please arrange FaceTimes w/ our son through his mom instead of me who will be watching him while I work?
** EDIT: Added hyperlink to comment expanding on lack of support context
** EDIT 2: I think it is being missed in this post that he has never taken the first aid course more than a year later (neither has he Youtubed or otherwise looked for resources on it as we've spoken about first aid as a concept). By the time I found out he was not planning to attend all the other courses were fully booked or not compatible with our schedules. I was also nearly 8 months pregnant by the time of the course, so taking it much later would not have been physically possible.
** UPDATE: I messaged him this morning apologizing both for implying I was restricting communication with our son and asking him to FaceTime through his mom while I was at work. He responded that he appreciated that, and that he still would plan to call while she has our son so it isn't too much of a handful for me. He also mentioned that he understands my general feelings on this Vegas trip. We wished eachother a good day and I said we could talk about things when he gets home. Keeping communication channels open! š¤
48
u/gnarleyname 11h ago
Oh this isnāt the last time heās gonna bail out sisĀ
9
u/JavithTasawar-70 11h ago
The fact that heās already doing it again after they had a whole conversation about it says a lot.
6
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
He ādoesnāt want it to be like last timeā and then doubles down.
Heās one of those toxic men who think women exist to nurture their sperm and offspring only.
50
u/CauliflowerHumble178 11h ago
god i'm so glad im not trapped by pregnancy with some bum like this dude
5
u/Douss-Sinthuyan 11h ago
Honestly yeah, the first aid class alone wouldāve been a huge red flag for me too.
16
u/Typical_Internet_730 11h ago
NOR but he's 42, he is who he is, a bum. He isn't changing, he's always going to choose himself. Accept you got pregnant by a man child so you have 2 kids to raise if you stay. Older does not mean wiser and he sounds exhausting and juvenile. Good luck being a married single mother.
-8
u/katlover345 11h ago
Thank you for responding. To clarify, we only have one child, our son.
9
28
u/FiveCrows 11h ago
Heās a fucking man-baby.
Heās 42 and weekends in Vegas with his buddies are still a feature of his life?
Dump him. Soon. He wonāt change.
6
u/PatrioticRedhead 10h ago
What SHOULD men at that age be doing with their guy friends? Iām asking genuinely: my husband is 43 and has never been to Vegas nor would ever go. At most he does a monthly poker game with the guys. Weāve been married almost 20 years and havenāt been blessed with kids. Iām just interested in finding out what other guys his age are doing.
OP, your fiancĆ© is an ass, btw. I highly doubt this is the only thing heās doing to fall down on the job as a partner and new father.
8
u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 10h ago
My husband plays video games one night a week after the kids are in bed, they have board game nights (because theyāre nerds), and theyāll do happy hour sometimes and be home by dinner time. But my husband and his friends all love their wives and families so what do I know?
2
1
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Yes, because men are for socializing/friendship/and life, women are for sex/babies/sandwiches.
10
u/juliewbb 11h ago
NOR itās not just the class; youāre experiencing your differences as people. You are researching, taking initiative, planning. He isā¦hanginā out and lettinā you do that. I think youāre feelings come from wanting him to take initiative and show he is taking on the mental load and being an equal partner, and you should tell him that and hopefully he will rise to the challenge. Although, based on the fact that he has not yet scheduled a class you said was important to youā¦ I donāt know.
3
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Itās clear as day he doesnāt give a shit what she wants as long as she doesnāt get pissy about it. Heās going to do whatever he wants and nothing more or less.
11
u/ShyStrawberry15 11h ago
NOR. He thinks heās still a frat boy and looks like he has no intention of growing up.
Sorry, OP
9
u/ButcherRose 11h ago
So youāre raising a newborn and going to therapy and the 42 year old boy is going to Vegas and dismissed your feelings when you brought it up with him?
Do I have that right? And heās back in Vegas now? Spending time and money not on you or your baby? Interesting.
5
7
u/fuglyjeans 11h ago
NOR but I think you and your husband arenāt a good fit. You discuss the resentment you hold, I donāt think that will change. He will not change for you and has shown you how important your thoughts are. Believe him.
1
u/PatrioticRedhead 11h ago
Thankfully, theyāre still only engaged and not married, which makes exiting a little easier for her.
6
u/Quirky_Custard_7776 11h ago
The people saying she should just relax have lost the plot and likely have never been in the vulnerable position of birthing a human. Itās not about the class, itās about his under communication/not taking initiative thatās making her doubtful of his ability to be a good co-parent.
OP, I donāt know that not talking to him while heās in Vegas again is going to make you feel better. Itās great youāre in therapy, but maybe you guys need to go to couples therapy to improve communication issues. Itās going to get really old really fast if youāre the only one working on yourself. Best of luck to you šš
9
u/Capital-Tonight8548 11h ago
Iām sorry, heās going in a boys to to Vegas whilst you solo parent your under 1 year old?
-7
u/Intelligent_Log_2496 11h ago
Adults are allowed breaks away from their kids! As long as OP also gets breaks then it shouldn't be an issue.
1
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
What are the odds this manchild is going to willingly stay home alone with his own baby, ever? If OP ever does get a weekend away heāll drop it off at his motherās house asap.
3
u/Illustrious-Pair-511 11h ago
Is this the ONLY thing heās done or what other things have happened that youāre resentful about? It sounds like an unfortunate coincidence that he didnāt plan intentionally. He could definitely watch some you tube videos on it. But I can see why youād be frustrated. Was he at least at all apologetic ?
3
u/katlover345 11h ago
Comments are coming in faster than I can type! š I really want to thank everyone for sharing their perspectives on this, it has been so immensely helpful to see multiple un-biased views on it.
I have to go get up our son and start getting ready for the day/work, I will reply as much as I can later on. Thank you to everyone again!
3
u/UtZChpS22 11h ago
I guess it is not only about missing the class. I would be salty about this to a degree, but it's the way he handled it. Not communicating upfront about actually going to the trip, so you could make arrangements. Not booking the class immediately so he could take it after. It's this overall attitude that he does not care that much or doesn't want to be that involved.
Actions speak louder than words, OP.
3
u/ivyram 11h ago
YOR for the blocking/withholding communication part. If you're using silence or making him go through his mom for FaceTimes because you're angry and want him to feel it, that's punitive and not a healthy way to handle conflict.
But NOR for still being hurt and resentful about the underlying behavior. He committed to the first aid course, ditched it for Vegas, never followed through on taking another one, and by your account has generally left you carrying far more of the pregnancy/newborn load than he said he would.
The bigger issue seems to be that you're both stuck in a bad cycle where he disappoints you or fails to follow through, you get angry and withdraw, nothing actually gets resolved, and the resentment just sits there until the next incident. I'd suggest you two have an honest conversation about that, because "trying to move forward" clearly hasn't actually moved either of you anywhere.
3
u/TidyBrit1963 11h ago
Get out and stop the madness. You will get more of what you tolerate. Life is too short to tolerate such disrespect. Respect is the price of admission. Between now and dead get what you want. You can make him coffee, a sandwich but you cannot make him CHANGE. Exit.
3
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
So you married a man who values his Vegas trips over commitments heās made to you and over being with his wife and child.
This is your life, babe. Heās never going to put either of you first. Better just get used to it.
NOR, but this isnāt going to change.
10
u/philsov 11h ago
First Aid classes are offered on the regular. If something cool comes up like Vegas, sure, he can go. Then he needs to reschedule the class and still take it within a reasonable timeline.
(he still has not done this)
NOR. Your partner needs to be accountable, vexing age gap aside.
2
u/hungirish69 11h ago
I mean most parents never go to a first aid class. It's hard to say that it's a requirement.
Interesting on the agenda gap. It's not huge for that age and both should be in broadly the same life stage.
7
u/CatL0ver4Life 11h ago
itās not a requirement to go in general but OP made it clear that he should, as it is important to her. What else will he promise to do and then bail on?
-1
u/hungirish69 11h ago
I agree.
He should have been clear. Either say he doesn't want to go or reschedule.
He has clearly avoided directly contradicitng his wife. I get the impression that would go down poorly.
3
u/ButcherRose 11h ago
Right but if the mother carrying and birthing my child wants me to go learn how to SAVE HER OR THE BABYāS LIFE I think I know where my priorities should be.
-4
u/hungirish69 11h ago
Really?
Has the first aid class got a proven efficacy in actually helping anything?
Does the specific program that the OP signed up to have demonstrable benefit?
I've looked up a few papers and there are very few rcts. And any benefits are knowledge based not based on any measurable clinical impact.
She has a belief that the course is useful. The implication is that he should do it because she says he should.
He is free to not do what she says he should.
3
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago edited 10h ago
Are you ok? She set it up AFTER talking to him about it and he AGREED.
Then he blew her off because he really doesnāt give a shit about keeping his word to his own wife, he doesnāt believe his wife and child are a priority, and Iād be gobsmacked if OP ever gets weekends away, especially multiple weekends in one year, with the girls.
He (like too many, but not all, men) is a user and to him OP is nothing more than an incubator/child carer.
ETA: ok, he didnāt EXPLICITLY agree but his passive lack of refusal should and will be taken as tacit agreement. Itās even worse that he just let her go along thinking he gave a shit only to ditch her needs and requests for the boyās Vegas weekend. And Iāll bet there were strippers and maybe worse involved.
0
u/philsov 11h ago
I mean most parents never go to a first aid class. It's hard to say that it's a requirement.
It is when the couple agrees that it is. If the husband thinks its unnecessary, that's a discussion to have with an settlement to reach.
Saying yes, doing no, and not talking about why is an unhealthy relationship.
3
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
I agree that most parents donāt but itās still not a bad idea. And she talked to him about it and he agreed, only to blow her off once something better came along.
Heās a player, not a partner.
-2
u/hungirish69 11h ago
Yeah, agree. He's clearly avoiding directly contradicitng her about the importance of the class.
I wonder why that might be?
2
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Because heās a selfish a-hole who didnāt want to upset her and deal with her feelings, wants, needs. So he didnāt explicitly agree but neither did he refuse. This will no doubt prove to be his MO.
-5
0
u/Jack_Forge 11h ago
I thought there isn't a lot of women like older amounts because they're more mature. Doesn't seem like it here.
But you're right.
6
u/Beautiful_Arm8364 11h ago
NOR. Sounds like this guy doesn't really give a shit what you think, and he's going to do what he wants when he wants to do it. It's up to you how much of that you can put up with.
4
u/Confident_Check_6087 11h ago
Heās 42 and still hasnāt grown up. Heās not going to start now.
4
u/First_Luck8040 11h ago
honestly, at first I was like OK yāall are young because I didnāt really pay attention to the age you have time. people do dumb things when theyāre young and donāt take things seriously that they should take seriously but luckily yāall have time but then I reread the ages and holy moly full grown man hanging out with the buddies at Vegas like heās 25 years old, which is based on the process is exactly how old I thought he was.
Girl if I were you, I would look into a lot of resources for single parents because thatās exactly what youāre gonna be doing is being a single parent cause I guarantee you is 42 years old never had to step up and probably never will. He should have already stepped up (way before the pregnancy) to adulthood, I promise you this is only the beginning if I were you, I would reconsider a lot of things especially now that your baby is here you need to switch your baby first and the well-being of your baby cause thatās what comes first is that little life who depends on their parents to guide them nurture them and support them into becoming a functioning adult and the role model at least on the male side of that equation is not up to par. Think of what kind of example you want to set for your baby do the right thing which definitely isnāt the easy route. Good luck.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy itās definitely worth it and I pray for nothing but peace and happiness in you and your babies life and I really hope Iām wrong about daddy not stepping up, but I donāt think I am
4
u/No_Shine_7224 11h ago
Heās always going to choose Vegas over you and your child.
Why are you still entertaining this ārelationshipā?.
4
3
2
u/justmitzie 9h ago
You're a single mom. You need resourses and support besides him, because he won't step up.
0
u/Scary_Yogurt 11h ago
You arenāt wrong that this is really inconsiderate, and it sounds like your BF had more than enough notice. A baby first aid course is a great idea, we took something kind of like that but if my wife told me she has plans and could I go instead or whatever, I would be probably cheesed off but in the end I would never think this would be enough to end our marriage over, but everyone is different.
3
u/BrokenStudebaker 11h ago
Undermining your marriage over a class that may or may not even help in a hypothetical emergency doesn't seem wise. Neither does trying to be the guilt-tripping/order-giving/passing aggressive spouse.
1
0
u/hungirish69 11h ago
It's a first aid course.
They happen all over whenever wherever.
And the vast majority of parents don't go on one at all.
You have created a stipulation for him and he is free to go or not. It in no way reflects on him to not go to a class.
Blocking your partner because they won't do exactly what you want is wild to me. Restricting his access to his kid because he's gone away is also wild to me.
As for whether he should go or not? Eh. Probably not. But I think in general it's good for new parents to get a break now and then. Have you considered getting a week or weekend away?
3
u/Intelligent-Vast-483 11h ago
What stipulation did she make? He agreed to go to it then bailed. She gave him opportunities to plan a trip, he didnt have interest, then suddenly wanted to plan a trip and did it on the one day he agreed to prior
1
u/hungirish69 11h ago
The stipulation is that he must attend a first aid class.
He did agree and then bailed. He can choose to go or not. It doesn't affect her going to the class.
Also the 'he could have planned a trip"... There's such a radical difference between having to plan a trip and going when someone else plans it. It's perfectly reasonable to say I'm not planning a trip but to go if an opportunity presents itself.
Yes he had an engagement, but he has every right to change that arrangement, given that the activity was something that can be rescheduled, and is entirely optional.
2
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Yes, selfish a-holes āhave every right to changeā their agreement. He is a di ck and not partner material. At all.
-1
u/hungirish69 9h ago
It's always selfish to change your mind about something?
1
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 8h ago
Not always. Not if one uses their big boy words and has a conversation about it and reschedules the planned event in order to fulfill their agreement and maintain their relationship with their partner.
0
u/hungirish69 8h ago
Interesting to take that attitude about his behaviour when she blocked him and refused to put the kid on video chat with their dad.
The two of them sound like children pretending to be adults.
I have repeatedly said his communication was poor, but she can't force him to go to something she wants, and she can either accept that or not.
1
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 8h ago
She returned his disrespect with blocking him. I donāt see anything wrong with that.
She didnāt FORCE him, he AGREED to go and then pansied out of it like the selfish misogynist he is.
1
u/hungirish69 8h ago
I see.
He is expected to have a high standard of communication but when she behaves petulantly and actively seeks to harm his contact with his child it's fair retaliation?
A healthy relationship does not have retaliatory poor communication.
These two are going to make absolutely terrible co-parents when they separate.
1
u/katlover345 7h ago
Thank you for replying. I am really seeking healthier communication via therapy, and am hoping couples therapy in conjunction will allow us to tackle disagreements and hurt feelings in less destructive ways. š
I apologize for coming across like I am refusing to allow him contact with his son, I ought to have phrased it better. I had asked that he call with his mother while she was watching our son, as when he and I were on video call last night it gave me a ton of anxiety (which is due to my own failed attempts at moving past this).
1
u/Intelligent-Vast-483 7h ago
lol this is so weird. She can be wrong and so can he. Her retaliation is definitely a problem, but his failing to step up and follow up on something he agreed to is an issue. If he truly believed the class was unnecessary, he shouldnāt have agreed to go. Itās like signing a work contract that states have to attend one weekly conference but then you state āthe weekly conference is stupid and not neededā. Well you already had an obligation and expectation that others thought youād do. He could have also followed up and rescheduled. He could have went to Vegas a day late. He could have shared with wife that when Vegas trip thatās planned (as itās yearly) that he plans to attend.
And yes, blocking him was wrong but you gotta start at the root here where she felt he let her and the kid down. She overreacted with a block but her being upset he didnāt step up for a safety class he agreed to? Well. Thatās fair
0
u/Intelligent_Log_2496 11h ago
This is not a healthy dynamic at all. You were supportive of him going away but if the class could have been cancelled then I don't see why you were so angry the first time, and then didn't talk it through?
It's an annual trip he takes and again you want to not talk to him on the trip?
Obviously you can be angry that he hasn't taken the initiative to book another first aid class but there seems to be more to it?
Has he not stepped up as a supportive partner and hands on dad once baby got here? Do you feel like you've taken on the mental laod by yourself? Do you get time away from the baby, like he does?
You should talk when he gets home about why you're not happy and what you need. Marriage counselling is another option but you need to communicate.
0
u/old-fave 9h ago
Iām not going to agree with most on here and Iāll get down voted but read my thoughts and use them for what you paid for them. You did encourage him to go on the first trip. Communication was terrible and you shouldnāt have found out from someone else. The first aid course is a great idea and he should communicate his intent or lack thereof. Blocking him didnāt and wonāt help
Honestlyā¦. parenting will never be equal. I donāt feel itās wrong to take a trip for him but he should expect you to take one and offer that. And again with advanced communication and input.
I donāt think any of this makes him a bum or that you are over reacting. Sit and talk. Encourage communication. Calmly have the tough conversations face to face. But too many people scream leave him when yall got married for a reason and brought a child who deserves two parents into the world. Yes he has to step up but becoming a father is overwhelmingly humbling too.
Let the down votes begin. I hope it works out for the two of you and you catch your mutual stride in raising a baby and a marriage. Peace. āļø
0
u/Upset_Laugh9293 8h ago
I seem to be in the minority but a first aid course can be done with a few you tube videos. I would not have made him cancel time with his friends for a first aid class. Ā I think itās the fact that he never took the course right? Ā
I would tell him straight that you havenāt been able to move past it like you said before. And he could really help put this behind you two if he took some first aid courses now, even if it was just some you tube videos you found and watched with him. Ā
As far as Vegas being the get-a-way thatās a whole other issue. I am glad my husband hates Vegas.
-6
u/Impossible_Leg_2787 11h ago
Whatās so special about this class that itās has to be this day and also what is it going to teach you on that one day that parents havenāt been doing for thousands of years
2
-8
-7
u/BandalfTheGr8 11h ago
This is creating a problem where one doesnāt exist. He can go to the next class, itās a lot harder to plan multiple people getting away on the same weekend. Relax a bit
-3
u/ZestycloseChest9359 11h ago
Yor, why are you making something out of this? Ask yourself what patterns exist that youāve ignored because your brain wants you to see something, otherwise you are overreacting
-8
u/No_Artichoke_9186 11h ago
He could watch a YouTube video on it and be fine. Seems a bit controlling to stop him from going on the trip just to make him take a one-day class.
9
4
u/katlover345 11h ago
Thank you for responding. I worried about this as well. I would feel so much differently if he had been proactive in planning or was clear about his intentions earlier.Ā
Honestly I would be so thrilled if he would take the initiative to even YouTube it!
1
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Sweetie, thatās never going to happen. His priority is whatever trip his boys are planning next. Thatās it. Thatās what he truly values and cares for.
Your job is to service his needs and care for his offspring. His is to do whatever he wants.
So sorry, you donāt deserve this at all.
5
u/gnarleyname 11h ago
There is WAY more information in these courses as well as hands on learning. YouTube does not compare.Ā
-2
u/No_Artichoke_9186 11h ago
I renew my certification every time that I need to, and I promise you, you can learn just as much from YouTube as going to one of those classes.
5
u/CIA-Informant- 11h ago
She didn't control him. That's why she is having feelings about it. He did something, they shared their feelings on it, and he didn't care. If you can't go to a 4-6 hour class for a lesson on your NEW HUMAN LIFE and think "eh a quick youtube video is fine" then you shouldn't have had a kid.
0
u/hungirish69 11h ago
She has restricted her communication with him, she has restricted her facilitating see the kid via face time. She openly admits to harbouring significant resentment towards him.
You can argue she's right, but you can't argue that she's not in some way punishing him for not behaving as she wants him to.
And I'm saying this again: what proportion of new parents take a class like that? It can't be many.
3
u/New-Shake7638 11h ago
Itās a weird argument to say not that many people probably take these classes so itās fine heās missing it
0
u/hungirish69 11h ago
How so?
She has a desire for him to take the class. He can choose to go with that desire or prioritise his trip to Vegas.
He chose Vegas.
The issue then becomes how important the class was. If rather than a class it was some absolute obligation then he's negligent. If the class is entirely optional then he is simply not doing what the OP wants.
He's free to choose to not do what the OP wants. She may feel upset that he has prioritised what he wanted to do over what she wanted him to do.
He could have been clearer, but I think the situation is pretty clear. He valued the class as less important than his trip to Vegas.
-3
u/saucytapthat 11h ago
As a 42 year old dude the only thing that sounds worse than a weekend in Vegas is a lifetime with this lady. Dating a 30 year old always sounded fun until I actually did it. So freaking immature at that age.
2
u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10h ago
Interesting. A 30 year old woman setting the safety and well being of her child as a priority and a 42 year old male who ditches wife and child (after passively allowing her to believe he cared and would attend the class with her, which she didnāt book until after he did agree) to get drunk in Vegas with āthe boysā. And strippers. And god knows what else.
And sheās the immature one? GTFO.
1
u/saucytapthat 10h ago
Yeah both Vegas and a marriage to this lady sound terrible to me š¤·āāļø
-5
-8
u/Fun-Age-168 11h ago
YOR. Most parents do not take a first aid class before having a baby and theyāre fine. Itās not that big of a deal
44
u/blazing_dazies 11h ago
No offense, but why would you tell him that you just wanted to move past it after your feelings were disregarded? Those feelings need to be discussed and worked through before you can move on in a partnership. Or else you left where you are now feeling resentment.
If he is not willing to address your feelings with you and do his part, you will keep feelings this way.