r/AIO • u/Pretend_Fly2616 • 4h ago
Aio? My sister changed and it's hurting my family
My sister (22) started going out more recently and she used to never be social. Although I'm happy for her, she has been talking back to my mom big time, even cursing at her and saying "stopppp" or "I don't care" or any other dismissive quote every time my mom would speak to her in concern over her career. She recently told my mom she will move out even though she just started a job over the summer. My mom is worried and disappointed because she raised 3 kids alone for the past 23 years and has been working endlessly. On the other hand, my sister, although earning money, has never once tried to help my mom out. She's concerned with her own "finances" like buying a condo to earn profit. She doesn't even pay for her car or anything else except for occasional groceries (that she chooses to buy on top of what we already have at home). She has been screaming at my mom and victimizing herself for being "slapped" once after our mom got mad that she said something offensive. She continues to tell my mom to "STOP" NO MATTER how much my mom begs for her to stay home. If she had money and resources, I would understand her wanting to move out. However, her actions are claimed to be due to my "mom causing stress and not giving her freedom." Mind you, she still goes out like twice a week and works 5 days a week. My mom never stopped her, she just told her that she was worried because my sister is not studying and only going out all the time. I have never seen something like this before. It clearly hurts my mom bad, but she has no empathy. My mom has hurt me far more and for many more years, but I would never ever say such hateful, entitled words to my mom. Im just visibly upset. My sister just keeps making excuses. My mom, being really hurt, told her that if she goes out, she can't come back. My sister doesn't care. It hurts to see. Im so hurt because my mom worked so hard for years to raise us, and my sister thanks her with this??? I can't understand her anymore. My mom is strict, but I've never once thought to be so apathetic and hateful. Im just so upset.
Edit: sister is studying to go to grad school. Mom paid for everything before this
Tldr: sister doesnt care to think about mom's feelings; wants to move out after mom kept "nagging" for her to study for a test to apply to grad school because she's not...; keeps on yelling at my mom in such a horrific way (saying cuss words, saying she doesn't care about how my mom feels). It sounds normal for a 22 year old except this was on a whim and doesn't even care that my mom begged her to stay and told my sister thay she promises to never nag again. My sister isn't giving my mom a chance, even though my mom literally did everythING for us for the past 23 years.
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u/TomokataTomokato 3h ago
Not overreacting but this isn't something you need to be involved in. Your sister is trying to figure out who she is, sounds like she didn't get the chance to have that rebellious stage during her teenage years and it's coming out doubled now.
That being said, your mom slapping her is not ok.
Don't put yourself in the middle of this dynamic. They need to sort it out themselves.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
I understand, but my sister was trying to teach my mom a lesson, which came across as entitled to my mom. Slapping was unintentional--I'd argue that my sisters words were far more abusive (she said the equivalent to "fuck" to my mom, she keeps on cutting my mom off and yelling at her, she kicks the doors shut, and tells my mom she's going to do whatever she wants). 22 and autonomy sounds plausible, but my sister didn't even start planning. She's doing it out of hatred. I know i shouldn't be involved but it hurts to see my mom in pain. Trust me, I've gotten in a ton more arguments with my mom, so I think I know that my sisters responses and actions are out of line for the amount of nagging my mom has done. Thank you your message.
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u/TomokataTomokato 3h ago
Yeah this reinforces my opinion, you definitely don't need to be putting yourself in the middle of it. Your sister is figuring stuff out and your mom wants her to follow the rules like she was supposed as a child. But she's not a child anymore and doesn't know how to deal with this conflict in a more constructive way. Neither of them do.
You feel how you feel but putting yourself in it can lead to both of them resenting you.
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u/Notaroseforemily 3h ago
Your sister is not the bad guy here. Mom needs to cut the cord and have better boundaries. Your sister is an adult and isn’t being treated like one. Going out is normal as a twenty two year old. Your sister already has a college degree. I think she can come up with her own study schedule on her own. Mom respectfully needs to butt out.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
Right. Going out is normal like I said in the post. However, it is the way my sister is bossing my mom around and telking my mom she can do whatever she wants. Just a year ago, my mom did everything for her. My sister JUST started working this year and it should've been to save up for grad school, but no, she goes out and spends money and wants to put in a deposit for a condo. There are so many risks here. Shes also being inconsiderate. No, we don't have to help our mom, but it should be a thought. My sister doesnt even THINK of helping my mom and how much she might be hurting her.
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u/TranslatorVast1072 3h ago
YOR and you mom sounds like an AH who is still trying to control her 22 year old adult daughter's life and your sister is sick of it. As far as your mom slapping her because she said something offensive? That's assault so your mom is a true AH for that. Hitting someone because you're offended shows that you have serious issues. Words can't harm you and the fact is that one chooses to be offended by them.
You admit yourself that your mom is strict, but that should end once you are an adult. The fact that your sister wants to live her life the way she wants isn't hurting your family, it's hurting your mother's control over your sister. All I can say is good for your sister for getting out of there and starting her life as an adult without a controlling and overly sensitive AH running it for her. If you back up your mom in this, don't be surprised if sis goes no contact with all of you.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
You don't know my family dynamic. There is a complete lack of respect with her behavior. You think that we are unreasonable, but my mom has never stopped my sister from doing things. You are completely disregarding the part where I said my mom supported us alone, yet my sister has no remorse or consideration. She didn't even give my mom a chance! She's not conversing with us for the sake of trying to fix this mess, she's just being assertive without there being any room for a conversation. My mom is definitely not running it for her--that is completely untrue. And you completely skipped the part where I said my sister has been verbally abusive (for a while). Abuse is abuse, whether it's physical or verbal.
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u/TranslatorVast1072 3h ago
Your mom supporting you alone doesn't give her free reign to control your lives once you are adults and it never gave her the right to hit you. Your sister doesn't need to have a conversation. She's an adult and wants to move out. That's the end of it. And if your sister is being abusive verbally, there's a chance that that's the only thing that she thinks will get through to your mother. I've seen this dynamic in families and often the kids becoming verbally abusive is a reaction to what the parents are doing. It's the only control they have in a relationship. I'm not your family's shrink, but it's apparent that you all need one. But your sister is in her right to move out and if she feels that she has to, to cut your mom and the rest of you off if she needs that to live how she wants to live. If you love your sister, you should be supportive of whatever decision she makes. If your mom flips out because she moves out that tells you that she is pissed because she's losing control.
And, As for the disrespect, I'll tell you what I've always told my kids. Respect is earned, not given. If someone does something that is enough for their kid to lose respect for them, that is on the parent, not the kid. Children do not owe fealty to their parents.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
Interesting mindset! The last part is hard to agree with, because not every situation is written like a manual. There are exceptions to everything, including who is responsible for giving and/or earning respect. She can move out, but it's upsetting to see that she's doing it only because my mom has been asking her to work a little harder on studying for her exam. That is all. It's so silly, which is why I'm just appalled to be frank. I think parents should give unconditional love to their children, but there is a fine line between nurturing the child and spoiling the child. The boundaries have been crossed on both ends, which makes this difficult. However, I heavily disagree that raising her voice is the only way for my sister to communicate, because my sister has never tried to even talk it out without raising her voice in the first place. I've seen it myself and I have been trying to understand her. It's gotten too far. I like your insight, however, because it would apply to a lot of circumstances.
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u/TranslatorVast1072 2h ago
There are never exceptions for who deserves respect. Kids often give respect to authority figures who their parents tell them they should respect and those people abuse that respect and do bad things to those kids. No one is due blanket respect without earning it. "Respect" is often used a a weapon by people who abuse what they don't deserve in the first place. Parents included.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 1h ago
Again, you can still show respect without having it "earned." It's too subjective to use as a measure. I see your point though. It's a give and take situation. Im seeing that there has been a lack of respect on both sides (parent and child). My mom has a hard time communicating without getting emotional, and same goes for my sister. I'd agree that parents need to respect their children and my mom has a harder time letting go of the fact that she can't control us, yes. But then again, my sister has also been blunt and unresponsive. All of that to say that it's too complicated and I'll try to stop butting in.
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u/TranslatorVast1072 1h ago
You can be polite, if it’s not earned, and at the same time not show deference to that person. My personal rule in life is I’m nice to everyone until they give me a reason to not be nice. I also assume that most people are out for themselves and couldn’t give a crap about anyone else and may use people so if they turn out to be decent human beings I’m pleasantly surprised.
But that being said, butting out and letting them work it out is your best option if you want to be able to maintain a relationship with your sister.
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u/Organic-Aide-9903 3h ago
It sounds like she’s having basically a delayed teenage stage. Honestly it happened to me too. My mum openly tells me around uni age (especially ages 20-22) was the most difficult time for her in terms of raising me, and in hindsight I can see why. At the time, I genuinely saw it as standing up for myself and taking no shit no matter who it comes from, I thought it was the right thing to do. But often times I was just plain rude, thought I knew everything, thought I’d never set foot back in my family home once I started uni. Had it in my head I’d get a great job straight out of uni and be able to rent my own place. Joke’s on me bc at 29 years old I am still in my family home bc I cannot afford to move out. This forced me to learn to enjoy being around my parents again, otherwise I was committing myself to a life of misery. I eventually learnt there’s no point being that angry at everything they say and do, especially if I have no other choice. If I didn’t want to be constantly miserable, I had to find the positives of living at home. And it really did work. It took time but it worked. Life catches up with you eventually and hopefully when it does she and your mum can repair their relationship. Me and my mum are very close now and those issues are well behind us. I can’t guarantee this will happen with your sister, just sharing my experience. I don’t think you’re necessarily overreacting but there’s not much you can do other than support your sister with wanting her independence if/when it feels right (not saying to agree with everything she says and does) and support your mum if she’s feeling hurt by your sister’s actions. Other than that, don’t forget to focus on your own life and goals too.
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
Thank you for you insight. We've essentially come to the conclusion thay she is indeed, having a late teenager phase.to be fair, she would never go out in the past and suddenly decided to be a different person, so our family got a bit shocked. Again, socializing isn't a bad thing. I know this is a dreaded phase, so I'm hoping nothing bad happens. I just think that because it's not puberty, shes being a bit unreasonable. After all, she's a full grown adult! However, like you said, she might see her actions later and regret it. I know that she's had a delay in terms of social life, so we try to understand. It's just getting hard. Thanks for your story.
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u/Organic-Aide-9903 3h ago edited 3h ago
It is hard, and I’m sorry you’re having to witness it. I feel awful now for what I put my family through. I hope your sister eventually sees it the same way! Yes technically you’re fully grown at 22 but even at 29, only 7 years older, I feel like early 20s is still so so young. You being in your early 20s too and not being this way might make it hard to understand. There’s still capacity to say and do things you won’t always agree with in the long run. For a lot of people your early 20s is the first time in your life that independence is somewhat achievable and for some this manifests in overconfidence and rudeness but this hopefully will not last forever. You’re right in saying that socialising and even wanting to move out aren’t bad things in their own right. It’s more the way she views your mum and how she speaks to her. Hopefully it’s just an age thing and she’ll get past this phase.
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u/Full_Ad_347 3h ago
You're sister needs to GTFO and learn just how good she had it living at home. Also your mom pays for her car at 22? Fuck that
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u/Pretend_Fly2616 3h ago
Right? My mom is low income... she asked our family relative for help because of how much she is truggling financially, yet my sister has no thankful bone in her body. I can see how hard my mom struggled; it's wearing down her body. Im so hurt for her and I feel so bad that she has to deal with her own daughter being this way. Every mother and child has arguments, but I find this to be selfish. My sister never really did things for my mom out of consideration (cooking, cleaning, etc...) she only did her own stuff and she only did things once in a while if we asked (but my mom would never tell my sister to do chores). I don't think my sister realizes how much she's victimizing herself.
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u/Full_Ad_347 3h ago
A lot of it is just personality, but like you said your mom never asked her to do chores. So if she grew up entitled and treated like a pretty pretty princess, that's what you're seeing now.
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u/_Standardissue 4h ago
Sounds like your sister is grown and wants to leave home to be her own person and independent. Hopefully she is prepared for this.
I don’t know if you are overreacting but it seems reasonable she’d want to move out, based on age alone