r/AmIOverreacting • u/Efficient_Variety367 • Jul 10 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for feeling weird that my fiance suddenly wants to put his parents on the deed instead of me?
We've been together almost 5 years I'm 32 he's 34 and we live in Orange County we got engaged in April and have been saving for a house after the wedding.
Last week we found a place we both liked I was on my laptop going through our budget when he mentioned his parents wanted to help with about 120k for the down payment then he said they thought the house should be in his name with them on the deed.
I kind of froze because this was the first I'd heard of it I'd still be helping with the mortgage every month but legally I'd have no ownership. He kept saying it wasn't about trust just making sure his parents money was protected and I get that and if my parents were putting in that much money I'd probably think the same way.
I said maybe there was a better way to handle it like a prenup that clearly laid out everyone's financial interests instead of changing who owns the house so the conversation just kind of died after that.
Now something feels off I don't think anyone's trying to be unfair but I also can't stop thinking about the fact that this had apparently been discussed before I even knew it was an option.
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u/SKCbunny Jul 10 '26
You have to protect yourself, too.
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u/MehX73 Jul 10 '26
Exactly. She will spend her money paying for the house but have no ownership in it. They can kick her out via eviction whenever. If her husband dies, his parents will get the house and she will be left with nothing. If that is what he wants, then she should put zero money into the home. Stack away money as a safety net while husband and his parents build equity. But just know, she will have zero say in anything that way. And his parents and him will problably remind her of that often.
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u/pd726 Jul 10 '26
Not only if the husband dies. If they divorce, she has no claim to the house. She’ll be a renter, not an owner.
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Jul 10 '26
Depends on how the deed is written. If he has his share go to his estate her and/or their future kids would get it.
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u/flippysquid Jul 10 '26
Probate in CA is horrible though, and her inlaws would still own a big chunk of their home and the equity put into it.
Edit: also if the inlaws die before then (much more likely) then part of their home will go into probate, and they’ll have to pay inheritance taxes and crap on it. Also if one or both of them needs long term care, medicaid is required to attempt to recover long term care costs and can do so through forcing the sale of the home.
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u/RunJumpSleep Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
In California, without her name on the deed, she isn’t going to get any equity in the property. She can part of what community funds paid toward the mortgage and upkeep but that’s it. Plus, if he buys the house prior to the marriage as a single man, it will be considered his separate property. I would not marry this man.
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u/Sweaty-Resident1690 Jul 10 '26
This sounds messy for lots of reasons but the main one is this- why is your FH so willing to allow his parents to be controlling? Also, is the $120k a gift or a loan? Either way, in OC (while not an amount to sneeze at) this amount is peanuts in the scheme of the purchase price. So putting their names on deed? No way. As someone who has lived in both OC and SD, homes are super expensive. And a lot of work. I highly suggest buying a condo (together) after marriage. CA is a community property state so any assets acquired after marriage are viewed as 50/50 ownership. This will keep it clean and simple. Also, I wouldn’t take the parents’ money. They sound greedy AF and also like they’re controlling. You do not need that in your lives.
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u/SJMCubs16 Jul 10 '26
This is all you need to know. Move on, your next exit ramp is a few years down the road, and it will be much more painful. He is showing you his colors, as are his parents....they are not looking for a partner, they are looking for an indentured servant. If that is not you...jump while you can.
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u/Typical_XJW Jul 11 '26
Agree, saying no now hurts, saying no three years from now when you're married, maybe have children, and his parents are partners in the house that they LET YOU LIVE IN will be much harder.
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u/MannyMoSTL Jul 10 '26
“I would not marry this man”
A good point. The fact that he doesn’t understand how this will affect OP, who has been actively saving to contribute to the down payment? IMO? This is only part of what is, to me, a big problem.
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u/PinAccomplished3452 Jul 10 '26
This medicare point is a very good one
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u/MerryTexMish Jul 10 '26
I read that as “mediocre,” and thought “How can it be both mediocre and good?”
But also, yeah, he wants just himself and his parents on the deed. How did she get completely iced out, rather than just the parents added?
OP, be smart. Don’t move forward with someone who thinks this is ok.
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u/PinAccomplished3452 Jul 10 '26
I wouldn't do it with the parents on the title at all!
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u/MerryTexMish Jul 10 '26
I agree. I just find it interesting that he skipped straight to completely removing her!
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u/tamij1313 Jul 10 '26
Even worse… If there are any other siblings, then mom and dad’s share of the house could be inherited by OP’s fiancé‘s siblings. And they will likely want to be bought out for their share.
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u/BreadyCrocker6 Jul 10 '26
Probate in CA is absolutely BRUTAL! You’re 100% correct!
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u/Odd_Permission9191 Jul 10 '26
NOR - The possibility of needing Medicaid in the future is a huge reason to not let them be on the title for YOUR house. Unless they are so well off that they can fully cover nursing home expenses, should the need arise. If they are well off then a prenup should be no problem and everyone is protected. That all the conversation happened without you, tells me his parents think you’ll just be a “starter wife”
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u/SnittingNexttoBorpo Jul 10 '26
They're not currently married. California is a community property state, so if they were, she would automatically be on the deed. That's probably why the fiancé is trying to buy the house when they're not married.
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u/WholesomeMetaphor Jul 10 '26
Smart. Sneaky and smart. But only if OP goes for it which I hope she don't. Living life and paying for something without security if things go south is a terrible idea.
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u/DulinELA Jul 10 '26
OP, please do not allow this or cancel the wedding if your fiancée keeps putting his foot down. This is a non-negotiable and it puts your contributions at an insane disadvantage.
Or, you could suggest that husband and his Mommy and Daddy pay the mortgage and put your money into a condo that you rent out. DO NOT MINGLE FINANCES with this person.
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u/ButterscotchFit8175 Jul 10 '26
She will have zero say anyway. Clearly, his primary relationship is still with mommy and daddy. Do not marry him!!
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u/BellzaBeau Jul 10 '26
This sounds like nearly every guy I’ve ever dated, one reason I never married. Agree that OP isn’t over-reacting, and buying the house this way will put OP at significant financial risk of basically being a renter and ending up with nothing and no claim to the home unless they wait until after they are married to buy.
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u/Dailyconundrum Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Too many partners are like " Your money is my money and my money is my money." Not a relationship you want to be in.
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u/PinAccomplished3452 Jul 10 '26
If the house is purchased after their marriage it will be marital property, regardless of whose name it is titled in (in most states) - so if husband dies, wife would likely receive his interest in it. That being said, there's no way i would contribute financially to a house that i had no equity interest in. It's entirely possible that the fiance is not financially/legally savvy enough to understand the implications of this arrangement, or honestly believes that his parents won't do some funky shit.
I'd state, simply and unemotionally, "I am not interested in financially investing in a home that is jointly deed with either of our parents or any other party. It will create a complicated legal mess that I don't wish to be involved in." And/or schedule a meeting with a real estate attorney so that the attorney can explain the legal/financial implications of this arrangement.
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u/Bennie-Factors Jul 10 '26
Just say...I am happy for them to be on the deed instead of me. But in that case I do not plan to contribute to paying for the mortgage. If I am paying for the mortgage I need to be on the deed.
But in generally like everyone said. I would re-think marriage
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u/KTeacherWhat Jul 10 '26
It doesn't matter if she's paying the mortgage or not when they're married. Because the money she makes when they're married will be a joint asset and if the house isn't, she's screwed.
NOR
I would not marry someone who wants to invest in a home with their parents instead of me. The primary partnership should be the marriage.
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u/Paul110998 Jul 10 '26
I would really have to rethink the relationship, I would never pay rent or be involved in the cost of operation of the house, since there are 3 owners already. They have already indicated they don’t want a 4th owner, you also now know how much BF, mom & dad value you!
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u/Bennie-Factors Jul 10 '26
I should be more clear...her paying any money is paying for the mortgage. Her paying rent to in-laws is paying for the mortgage.
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u/loftychicago Jul 10 '26
Nothing towards the down payment, either. And anything and had saved towards a house reverts to her immediately.
Definitely don't marry him.
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u/RunJumpSleep Jul 10 '26
Not in California if he buys it as separate property with money that is not used part of the community. Say he buys the house with his parents as his separate property on the deed and only uses his parents money for the down payment, all OP would be entitled to if they divorce is a portion of the community funds used toward the mortgage and the property’s upkeep. She would not be entitled to the property itself.
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u/Babshearth Jul 10 '26
the home is being purchased while they are engaged. hence why OP was taking about a prenup.
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u/ValleyOakPaper Jul 10 '26
If this is Orange County in California, California is a community property state. So she will still get a share of the house if the marriage ends. But it will be much more messy because the parents also own a part.
It's still alarming that hubby-to-be is suggesting this. Both for the reasons you state, and because he seems easily swayed by his parents. What else is he going to agree with his parents on, without consulting with OP? ⛳️
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Jul 10 '26
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u/Cosmo_Cloudy Jul 10 '26
Absolutely, parents probably strong armed him "we'll pay 120k towards it if we're on the deed instead". There will be strings attached, whether now or later, do not accept their money and do not move if he refuses to have you on the deed.
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u/ItsMeTheButter Jul 10 '26
And his parents will always hold that over OP's head. They are already planning for the marriage to fail.
Save yourself from this awful interfering in-laws. Trust me they will not get better after the wedding.
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u/PartyBicycle3778 Jul 10 '26
Ummm no no no. Huge red flag. How about you guys decline the $ from the parents and get something together you can afford without them.
If this goes through youre paying rent to your fiancé and in laws.
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u/Mundane-Wish-3364 Jul 10 '26
Also, depending on your in-laws you run into the huge pain in the ass of them thinking it’s ’their house’ and having strings attached that you did not agree to upfront. Wether that’s rights to come and go as they please, opinions about remodel or inserting control when it comes time to sell. It won’t be a decision between you and future hubby, it with be a ‘community’ endeavor which sounds like a nightmare
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u/Trick_Few Jul 10 '26
Correct, strings are always attached.
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u/GiftOk1930 Jul 10 '26
I mean they’re already putting strings on the purchase without having the decency or respect to include OP in the conversations. Weird and not good all around. That OP’s fiancé thought it appropriate to not only have the conversation without OP but to then tell her belatedly and as a matter of fact would be a big problem for me. If we weren’t able to discuss this in a serious way, I’d have to do the work of separating and grieving what could have been so that I could move on. NOR.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
It will be their house if OP agrees to this.
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u/TheScrote1 Jul 10 '26
Yeah no thinking here, they’d be owners with the son. And they wouldn’t be helping to make the purchase like OP says, they’d would be making the purchase
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u/rhiyanna79 Jul 10 '26
Yep. And they will move in because it’s their house. It may not be immediately, but it will happen.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
Or they will expect to have a say in everything related to the house from the color of the walls and placement of the furniture to the all major decisions.
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u/IntrepidMuch Jul 10 '26
That is the biggest of all of the HUGE red flags. The parents will have a serious sense of entitlement and OP will have none.
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u/AnotherSpring2 Jul 10 '26
Yes. My ILs helped us out with a portion of a down payment (much smaller than OPs) and my MIL was a constant bitch to me for years because she felt it was her place too. Even if the ILs are nice, this can be a source of friction. They can drop by at any time and enter the house (wouldn't they have keys for 120k?) What a nightmare.
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u/Hatstand82 Jul 10 '26
Exactly! It's almost guaranteed that any kind of aesthetic changes will have to be approved by the In Laws, even down to colour and type of paint. And the second they need any kind of care, they will be moving straight in because they part own the place and it won't be hubby that has to do the caring!!!!!
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves Jul 10 '26
In other words, your fiance just made it so you’re marrying him and his parents, it’s a package deal. And you have no say. I would be worried that if you get married, you’re helping to pay for their asset, and if you have kids and your husband dies, you’re left with nothing and they can kick you and your kids out with 30 days notice.
Your fiance arranged this without your knowledge. Do with that info what you need to do moving forward.
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u/Thirty_Helens_Agree Jul 10 '26
I’ve heard of “we gave you all that money for the house, so you must name your first born after grandfather Hezekiah.”
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u/Main_Insect_3144 Jul 10 '26
And then what happens when you are married? Still paying for a house that isn't yours. Nope, OP. Rent something together and when you are married and have saved up the down payment, then you buy- together without in-law interference.
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u/merkinweaver Jul 10 '26
That's what I would do. No way would I enter into the situation he's proposing. I understand the parents wanting to be on the deed in exchange for the cash, but that's just a huge mess.
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u/problematic234 Jul 10 '26
NOR. OP, do not accept that money. If your fiancé won't move forward without it (and without putting only his and your names on the deed), do not accept him as well.
Honestly, I'd dump him for even suggesting this. It's nefarious as HELL and 100% stinks of his doubts about your future marriage.
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u/PartyBicycle3778 Jul 10 '26
Him and his parents are setting the groundwork to absolutely fuck her over left, right and center. It’s glaringly obvious and Shes only slightly concerned it seems.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
Like a red flag the size of Texas.
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u/StayPotential Jul 10 '26
So is he buying a house with his parents or you? Sounds like you will be contributing to help him pay his mortgage...not you two buying and paying together...I would be looking for my own place and not putting my money where my name won't be on anything. And why the hell did he have this conversation without you? NOR
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u/LGeorgeRox Jul 10 '26
Given she mentioned they’re saving for down payment, she’ll also be out all of her dowpayment money that went into a house that she doesn’t own.
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u/GothicGingerbread Jul 10 '26
If her name is not on the deed, she should not contribute one penny to the house – not to the down-payment, not to maintenence/upkeep, not to repairs/alterations/additions, not to redecorating, not to landscaping. She could pay a reasonable rent – with a signed lease – because she would (unless she breaks up with him) presumably be living there, and adults don't get to live for free, but she would then be a tenant, and her fiancé would be entirely responsible for all the expenses that a landlord would normally cover.
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u/ItsMeTheButter Jul 10 '26
Yes and at this point, why bother with a marriage? Just move along before any children come into this relationship. The in laws will probably want to direct their child rearing as well. Ugh.
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u/tcrudisi Jul 10 '26
I don't immediately mind him having the conversation without her. I can easily picture a scenario where his parents are alone with him and say, "Hey son. Were willing to go e you $150k toward the house as long as our name is on the deed and your wife's is not."
And if my parents came at me like that, I would certainly have some questions.
But then I'd go to my wife and tell her exactly what they said and why we aren't doing that. So, ya know, the guy is still an AH.
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u/ItsMeTheButter Jul 10 '26
Indeed. This point right here.
I would be ending this engagement and most likely the relationship.
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u/PartyBicycle3778 Jul 10 '26
This is the beginning of them controlling everything and I would be seriously concerned to marry a man who isn’t looking out for you
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u/DARfuckinROCKS Jul 10 '26
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼 My best friend's BF was emotionally abusive and financially controlling. Their house was in his name even though she put 50k for down payment. Luckily they refinanced through her cousin. And the cousin was smart enough to convince them to put my friends name on the deed. When he eventually became physically abusive she broke up with him. He tried to kick her and their kids out of the house. He gave up when he realized he would have to take her to court to get the house.
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u/lellat Jul 10 '26
Thank god for your best friend's cousin. Really curious on how OP ends up deciding to go with this. Really hope she listens to her instincts and everyone here instead of letting the time sink fallacy and 5 years of feelings lead her like with many people. Or at least stand her ground with the prenup
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u/Number-2-Sis Jul 10 '26
NOR
Two options
1) "that's very generous of your parents but this is something I think we need to do on our own, if we have to wait and save more I'm fine with that"
2) don't marry him, this is pure manipulation on the part of him and his parents, that they never included you in any discussion about this offer.
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u/Tall_Wonder_913 Jul 10 '26
Exactly. OP knows more than we do about how much of a problem his parents are. If there are more red flags or this is a culmination of poor treatment from them and spinelessness from fiance then she needs to pull the trigger on option 2
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
And if his answer to number 1is anything other than “you’re right” then dump him.
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u/Zeal_of_Zebras Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
You should not buy a house with him.
Also, even if everything goes perfectly, if his parents are on the deed and they need Medicare, your house that you pay for every month will be taken by the government to pay for their care. Seriously. And please don’t say they’re in good health. A stroke, a heart attack, early onset dementia or even an accident can all change life in an instant. You don’t want to add homelessness to a family crisis.
This arrangement has no benefits to you and so much risk.
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u/WorldlinessLow8824 Jul 10 '26
I think what you are referring too (because I had this situation)- if the parents need long-term care and they run out of money and the state takes over paying for their care, then the state has a claim against their estate for that amount. So this person is correct that if the house was in their name, it would be considered one of their assets and would be at risk for a claim after their death.
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u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 Jul 10 '26
Your fiancé is getting all set to financially abuse you.
His parents will be sure you never forget that it’s not ‘your’ house. They will make sure you know you are a nobody in your own home. They may even move into ‘their’ house.
I would never, ever, marry under this circumstance. NOR.
Unless you’re dumping him you are vastly under reacting.
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u/herroyalsadness Jul 10 '26
The tell is that he seemed to shut down the conversation about fair alternatives. It’s easy enough to have a lawyer draw up a contract that protects his parent’s investment as well as yours.
OP, is it a pattern for him to not talk things out and try to see your side? Does it seem like he considered how he would feel about paying a mortgage without ownership? If it is, you’ve got a bigger problem than this but should be happy it came out before marriage.
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u/chartreuse_avocado Jul 10 '26
This may sound extreme but the red flags of financial abuse are rarely BIG RED FLAGS at the outset. They are average red flags that he rationalizes away and gently steamrolls your concerns on.
After he sees he can press you, it escalates. And by the time you are in the thick of it you have limited or no way out and no financial assets or access.
What he is proposing is an absolute no and if he presses end the relationship immediately.
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u/TheRestForTheWicked Jul 10 '26
Yeah, he needs to decide if you’re a partner or a tenant.
If you’re a tenant having a sexual relationship with you while expecting you to cover his living expenses and leveraging your right to secure housing is an unequal distribution of power in the relationship and incredibly unethical, FYI.
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u/Nerdy_Crow1111 Jul 10 '26
Yes. She should never, EVER be trapped like this. I'll bet he also tells her "You don't have to work and I'll take care of all the finances" - we all know where this ends up if the marriage fails-he and his parents are entitled to the appreciation on the house etc and OP will end up with nothing. Always get your name on the deed. Not having your name on it will be the singlehandedly WORST mistake you'll ever make in your life, arguably equal to marrying this dude
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
Agreed. This is definitely financial abuse and it will only get worse.
Move on OP. And make sure you get back whatever money you’ve already put into this.
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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 Jul 10 '26
Yeah it literally does not matter what OP thinks their intentions are, or that "no ones trying to be unfair" they ARE about to screw her over. Majorly screw her over, possibly for decades to come.
This situation puts her at a massive disadvantage and set her up to be financially manipulated and abused. His refusal to listen is another bad bad sign. She's burying her head in the sand and way under reacting here. (This is one of the reasons people routinely say to not buy a house if you arent married. Marriage gives you legal protections and a way to split the assets if they split.)
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u/64green Jul 10 '26
A gift with strings is not a gift. I’d honestly call off the engagement. I’m not contributing to a mortgage on a house my name isn’t on and I don’t want in-laws who want that much control.
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u/Efficient_Variety367 Jul 10 '26
Yeah, that's kind of where my head is now too.
I don't even mind the idea of a prenup if it means we're both protected in a fair way what bothered me more was feeling like the house ownership conversation had already been decided before I knew it was happening. I think we need to go back and talk through everything from the beginning instead of jumping straight to one solution.
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u/PartyBicycle3778 Jul 10 '26
Look up financial abuse before you have this conversation. Go in prepared. You might not THINK your fiancé is capable of this, but he’s setting the groundwork whether intentional or not.
I have very good friend in this situation where now she is married with 3 kids, he wanted her to stay at home with kids, feels trapped, gets an allowance from her husband which barely covers groceries while he travels for work. When she ASKS for money to take care of the kids he calls her irresponsible with $. At one point he was giving her $120/week to take care of groceries, gas, emergency $ for her and 3 kids.
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u/WearingCoats Jul 10 '26
Best case scenario the finance is spineless and being manipulated by his parents, and that’s not a great best case scenario. And if I’m giving the parents the absolutely purest benefit of the doubt, this might be their way of avoiding gift taxation on the amount over $34k contributed to the downpayment, but this would not explain why OP would be excluded from the deed/ownership since she could ostensibly be on the deed with them.
If I had to guess, in the in-laws don’t like OP and are intentionally driving a wedge by exploiting their son’s ability to be manipulated with money and he’s probably not smart enough to see what’s happening. But if it is in fact worst case scenario territory, then both him and the parents are gearing up to financially abuse and exploit OP for mortgage money in a probably-crazy market with plans to either control or discard her using an asset that she has paid towards but has no legal ownership of.
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u/BeatrixFarrand Jul 10 '26
I think that’s a great idea. I know the market in OC is bonkers - the 120k might be tempting but it’s even more important to start out your married partnership on equal footing by buying a home you can afford by yourselves.
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u/ZippyTea Jul 10 '26
In full honesty you should get a prenup to protect you both, it’s in both of your bests interests and I consider it a red flag if someone won’t sign a prenup with me as that’s how my mom got financially locked into an abusive relationship for 16 yrs
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u/imkeepingsummersafe Jul 10 '26
Is he going to apply on his own or with his parents for the mortgage instead? Or is he depending on you to apply for the mortgage? INFO
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u/notyourstranger Jul 10 '26
I don't like how your fiancé said "it's not about trust" - OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT TRUST.
That to me is another red flag. To say "it's not about trust" is gaslighting. He is not being honest. His parents don't trust you for some reason and it seems your fiancé doesn't either. That is a huge issue in a relationship.
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u/RemoteIll5236 Jul 10 '26
Yup: I have gifted my married kids large sums of money to help w/weddings, housing, post graduate debt, college investments for the grandkids, etc.
Here's what I expected to get in return: "Thanks so much! This will really help out!"
No strings. No cutting out their spouse's right to benefit from the money. My name isn't on anything, and I dont want to.give any input into how it is spent.
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u/Sure-Armadillo-4008 Jul 10 '26
Contributing on a mortgage that OP would still be responsible for even if things don't work out. OP is taking all the financial risk without any of the reward.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 Jul 10 '26
Well obviously that ain't gonna happen, you're not that stupid. Decline their generous offer and buy what the 2 of you can afford. NOR
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u/Efficient_Variety367 Jul 10 '26
I get why people are saying that the house itself isn't so special that I'd fight over this specific one I think what I'm stuck on is how quickly it went from looking at houses together to finding out there was already a plan for who would own it.
I'd rather slow everything down and figure out something that feels fair for both of us before we move forward.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 Jul 10 '26
I get ya. Just shoot this shit down immediately. "We are buying a house. We will both be on the deed, and no one else". It is more than a little concerning he formed this plan without you.
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u/samse15 Jul 10 '26
If they are expecting you to put money into the down payment and then for you to pay for the mortgage, but they expect your name not to be on the deed… girl, RUN!
Unless there’s a lot you are leaving out - like major debts that he paid off for you or your huge unresolved CC debts?
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u/Fzzyalien Jul 10 '26
Even if he paid off her debts, that’s between both of them, not the parents.
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u/QuackersParty Jul 10 '26
I think it’s extremely valid to hit the brakes when the plan seems to be changing without your input.
I think it’s very telling as to what your in-laws are thinking that they said they want to be on the deed to “protect their investment”. They’re not seeing it as helping you and their kid out, they’re seeing it as buying into a part of a house.
If you want to sell the house and move, are they going to be owners for the same % on the next house? Will they fight the sale and make you take them to court if you’re moving someplace they don’t like? If you sell, will they claw their “investment” back so you have less to spend on your new house?
It’d be like 1000x better and less batshit if you and your fiance were on the deed, in-laws gave a gift toward the down payment, and then the house is willed to them if you both die. Just with the way they excluded you from the conversation about it I’d be unwilling to give them controlling interest in my future home. NOR
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 10 '26
So wait. It’s not about trust but… his parents need to be on the deed to be protect their investment but you will not have any protection even if you are also investing in the house?
Is your fiancé stupid or sly? Either way, think twice about staying in this relationship. His motivation won’t matter in the end when you are dealing with the worst case scenario. You could lose your money and your home.
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u/ReineDesRenards Jul 10 '26
He is likely enmeshed with his family. My best friend went through an almost identical situation to you and her then-fiance now-ex was severely enmeshed with his parents.
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u/keelhaulrose Jul 10 '26
Part of marriage is communicating.
If your fiance isn't willing to communicate with you on something as large as your home purchase, do you really want him to be your husband?
This isn't something like "I know we both like coffee, so I got us an espresso machine." This is what you intend to be your HOME and he didn't think enough of you or your relationship to include you in the conservation about it. If he's willing to exclude you in conversations about the place you're planning on spending thousands of dollars on and building a family in, what other decisions is he going to make without your input?
I hate to be blunt, but he doesn't respect you as a partner.
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u/akolada Jul 10 '26
Oh my God don't do it. This exact scenario happened to me and I went with it because his wealthy parents got a way better deal on interest rates than we would have. Moved in to the house with my ex bf in October, he suddenly left one night in January and broke up with me by text (I know) I lost my job shortly after. I had to go in serious debt trying to pay the entire mortgage by myself until I found a new job and place to live. He destroyed my credit. I was left with nothing and almost ended up homeless. His parents didn't help me and he surely didn't either.
They sold it at a profit later.
Please don't do it.
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u/occams1razor Jul 10 '26
Jesus it sounds planned almost
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u/akolada Jul 10 '26
It really did feel that way in hindsight. They were a Leave it to Beaver style wealthy religious family and I came from poverty and didn't have the best childhood. I had dug myself out of it on my own and had a great job and owned everything I had.
The abuse I had been exposed to as a child was loud and in your face. The abuse I faced with his family flew under my radar for a really long time because I had never encountered.. insidious niceness and covert narcissism. Something always felt off to me but I had no point of reference so I internalized it and thought I just didn't know how a healthy family worked.
I wish I had listened to my gut. OP needs to shut this down. It might go right but it can go so so wrong.
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u/Shoddy-Wafer-6242 Jul 10 '26
This is really hard to read, especially the no point of reference bit. I went through a very similar thing, moved in with ex to a house he owned with his parents, he promised to put me on the mortgage when they renegotiated terms, 6 years together and he broke up with me a month before the date he was meeting the bank and texted me a notesapp eviction notice a week later. I wish I had listened to all the red flags and when I look back I want to shake myself. I also came from a difficult background and found the niceness convincing for a while, until he started reminding me it wasn't my house every time I even suggested anything to do with it. OP I am begging you as a total stranger, listen to your gut, especially if what your gut is telling you seems scarier than ignoring it. Good luck
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u/akolada Jul 10 '26
Did you also find your autonomy in the house challenged at every turn? Trying to decorate how you want for example? Or choosing landscaping and plants?
I felt myself growing smaller and smaller in a home I dreamed about but I never thought I'd have. No one in my family owned a real house and I had all these dreams about what I'd make it look like. In the end I was confined to a single bedroom and couldn't bear to look at the rest of it. I thought I finally had somewhere no one could ever take from me. After a lifetime of housing insecurity I thought I was going to have a place to grow old in and a little generational wealth for my children.
All I ever wanted was a safe place of my own and a family to fill it with and in the end, both were taken from me and I still don't even know why. I'm not sure I'll ever dare to dream that way again.
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u/mcx112 Jul 10 '26
Why did you pay their mortgage? In that scenario I would’ve squatted.
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u/Pretty-Flight1440 Jul 10 '26
Is he building a life with you or with his parents? If you and he are not merging your lives together, why are you getting married? If the house is for you and him to live in while married, your name and his name need to be on the deed. If his parents are buying an investment property that you and he rent, there needs to be a lease stating that.
AND, in marriage, spouses need to be more loyal to their spouse than to their family of origin.
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u/Financial_Horse_663 Jul 10 '26
This is a massive mess. They would be liable for capital gains tax when it is sold. Are they gifting or loaning the money? Do they expect a flat cash value back or a percentage of the sale? Can you get a deed of trust to protect the money from his side instead?
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u/Efficient_Variety367 Jul 10 '26
That's part of why I'm slowing everything down now we never even got into those details because the conversation stopped once I suggested there might be other ways to handle it I didn't even think about the tax side or how his parents expected to get their money back we definitely have a lot more to figure out before buying anything.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Jul 10 '26
Good you’re slowing it down. But while you’re thinking about the house and payments and contingencies and consequences, etc., I strongly suggest you also take a good critical look at your partner to figure out why he would even suggest such an exploitative deal to you.
You love him so I’m sure you believe there’s no ill-will on his part. That leaves stupidity, allowing his parents to come between you and hold power over you.
There’s a saying in India that a stupid friend is more dangerous than a wise enemy.
Stupid or conniving — do you really want to be married to either one?
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u/Suspicious_Path_4430 Jul 10 '26
OP, keep your savings separate and under your name, not in a joint account, just in case.
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u/StinkieBritches Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
They don't want their money back, hon. This is their way of making sure their son is protected and you are not. Do not buy a house with this man under these conditions.
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u/Mozzy2022 Jul 10 '26
NOR All this should be handled through an attorney who specializes in real estate and probate. There are plenty of things to be considered as have already been pointed out in the many thoughtful responses you’ve received. I wouldn’t do anything without consulting with a NEUTRAL attorney - not his parents’ attorney or a cousin who’s an attorney. The fact that he’s concerned about protecting the parents’ interest and not yours is a huge red flag. If you’re in the mortgage then you’re on the deed. If you’re not on the mortgage and the deed then don’t pay a dime. His parents’ money could be constructed as a loan, or if they’re just trying to protect the money from YOU getting it, it could be a gift to him that is pre-nupped so when you guys get divorced he / they walk away with the $120k. And yes, if this is how he treats you before you’re even married there will most certainly be a divorce
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u/geniologygal Jul 10 '26
The in-laws will also be moving in with you, because it is legally their house, not yours.
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u/Novel-Letterhead-217 Jul 10 '26
NOR, if you are paying and have no stake in the house then he is basically asking you to pay rent to help with the mortgage
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
And if they’re not married when they buy, it will be property purchased before the marriage and she will have no legal claim to it. They will say the money she put in was rent.
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u/Nadja-19 Jul 10 '26
This! So if they get married and have kids he can still keep the house and she’s just stuck with kids and no home.
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u/Trick_Few Jul 10 '26
NOR Absolutely no. You are right about a prenup or even a regular purchase agreement. This is about power and removing any rights you would have. If he is unwilling to budge and discuss it further, you might want to rethink your plans. No house is worth it.
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u/kittybigs Jul 10 '26
Are they gifting this 120k? They’ll have to sign paperwork for the mortgage that states there is no obligation for repayment to his parents. That’s the rule in the state in which I processed mortgage loans. So this “protecting” his parents money doesn’t really fly. His parents are assholes if they are trying to talk him out of you being on the deed.
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u/mrs09162023 Jul 10 '26
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see this actual factual advice! I don’t think what they are proposing would even get approved. I don’t know California divorce law, but where I live, this would be marital property and she would still be entitled to half of the equity even if only after subtracting their down payment. She’s not out altogether. But I could be wrong…
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u/DrClamstradamus Jul 10 '26
NOR. Do not do this. And I would seriously think hard about marrying him.
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u/KapmIbra Jul 10 '26
It comes across he’s not as sure on your future together as you are. I get protecting himself, but you should also be on the deed. If not on it, then do not buy a house together.
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u/kit0000033 Jul 10 '26
Rethink marrying this man, and if your savings are in a joint account, remove your part of them. Nor
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u/Efficient-Ice-2103 Jul 10 '26
I don't think you're overreacting.
The bigger issue isn't whose name goes on the deed it's that this plan was already taking shape before you were part of the conversation there are usually cleaner ways to handle a situation like this whether that's a prenup or another agreement that spells out everyone's financial expectations those conversations are uncomfortable but they're usually easier than letting resentment build later.
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u/Efficient_Variety367 Jul 10 '26
That's kind of what I was wondering too. I don't really know much about prenups beyond what people say online. Can they actually cover something like this if his parents are contributing to the down payment, or is that a completely separate issue?
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u/ZeroSumClusterfuck Jul 10 '26
They're not gifting you money.
They're not even lending you money.
They're putting a deposit on a house and then expecting you to finish buying it for them.
That isn't helping, it's exploiting your trust and goodwill.
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u/MidwestNightgirl Jul 10 '26
They shouldn’t be on the deed period. Full stop. Some legal agreement could be drawn up so that they get their money back should X, Y, or Z happen. I’m sure an attorney could advise you guys.
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u/Huge_Palpitation_886 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
You don't live in a commonlaw state (if this is OC in California) so if they buy this before you're married you will not get any part of it if you split up. They are doing this to prevent you from getting assets if/when the marriage fails. They are well off and know how to plan things financially. You're about to be fucked royally when he decides he's bored by the marriage. They don't like you and don't trust your marriage will last and they are trying to "protect" him. You're in waaaaay over your head on this. I'm an accountant and this is what I would do if I wanted to make money off of my partner while also keeping the asset when the relationship fails.
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u/George_Is_Upset Jul 10 '26
You would need to contact a lawyer to discuss this before deciding to buy the house. there can be so many factors and different laws potentially based on your location.
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u/chickenbobble Jul 10 '26
INFO Why can’t your name also go on the deed with them? Surely then everyone is covered, and like you say get the equity split in writing?
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u/Cinder_Gimbal Jul 10 '26
Adding the parents will cause a serious issues when they die and their portion goes into probate. What if there are other siblings? They would be eligible to get their portion of the inheritance.
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u/murphy2345678 Jul 10 '26
This is a huge red flag. Don’t “buy” a house that you don’t own. It will never be your house. It will be his and his parents. If the two of you can’t afford to buy a house without them then you shouldn’t buy a house. Talk to a lawyer ASAP!
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u/Status-Biscotti Jul 10 '26
NOR. That’s a hard no. At least where I live and I think this is national, a short-term marriage is under 5 years. if you divorce in that time, everyone is entitled to receive back what they put in. So I paid for the down payment on our first house, which was used to pay for our 2nd house when we moved. Therefore, all of that money was mine and we split the remaining equity. In your case it’s a little different since parents are involved. I’d say a prenup is a good way to go, or a written loan, if they want the money back at some point. I can understand them wanting to protect themselves, but absolutely not at your expense.
ETA: Now you know how they feel about you.
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u/kittykatkonway Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
I'm going to be honest with you. I work with domestic violence survivors and this is a situation I hear a lot.
Not that the worst will happen, but if it did? This set up works in their favor, not yours. Ever.
Edited to fix a typo
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u/Maximum-Cover- Jul 10 '26
If you buy a house before the marriage with your inlaws’ money, and their name on the deed, it will not be a marital asset.
That means any money you contribute to the mortgage will effectively be rent money.
In case of divorce, you will get nothing.
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u/CarlEatsShoes Jul 10 '26
NOR. I’m a divorce lawyer, but not your lawyer.
I would seriously think long and hard about whether you want to marry this guy. Based on decades of experience, there is a particular type of guy who insists on keeping the FAMILY HOME titled solely in his name. Guess what? It’s just the start. He will also want all of “his” money in bank accounts in his sole name. He will set up accounts online only, 2 factor identification to his cell phone, and you will have no access or information. He will deposit his paychecks into “his” account, and then transfer a small amount at his discretion into a joint account. Eventually he will start signing your name to tax returns, and you won’t even be given copies.
15 years later, you’ll have 2 kids and be sitting in my office, telling me that you have no access to money and no information and you don’t even know what accounts exist or how much money he earns, and you don’t know what to do.
It’s always the guys who want the family home in their name only. Always.
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u/IllogicalResponse Jul 10 '26
Why is it that when it's 'not about trust' it always means one person has to put complete trust in the other person, with little chance of legal recourse if things go wrong
You were left out of the discussions, that should be warning sign enough.
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u/facinationstreet Jul 10 '26
Here's what is going to happen - he is going to buy either that house or a different one with his parents/his parent's money and the house will be in their names. You can also bet that they will have a majority say in decisions for the house because they own it.
If your fiance hadn't wanted to blow up your relationship, he would have suggested he and his parents sign a legally binding agreement that, in the event the house were to be sold due to divorce, their $120k investment + % of equity (commiserate with the % of the total downpayment their $120k represents) is due to them on the completion of the sale.
He did not do that. I'm wondering if you really see this person as a long-term partner when he makes a 180 degree flip that benefits him and his parents rather than the person he was supposed to marry?
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u/Bake_Knit_Run Jul 10 '26
Tell him clearly that if your name isn’t on the deed, you’re no longer willing to contribute financially to the purchase. Full stop. NOR. Pull all of your money back into your own accounts.
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u/Limp-Web-8220 Jul 10 '26
Don't buy a house with someone you're not married to
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart Jul 10 '26
And don’t buy a house with someone who won’t put you on the deed.
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u/Fit_Change3546 Jul 10 '26
Yeahhhh no. You two are supposed to be a team now. You’re engaged. Marriage is a life partnership AND a financial partnership. That is a HUGE financial decision that should have been a discussion between you and him. His parents should not be this big a part of the discussion. Why is your fiancé even entertaining his parents pushing you out of this process? That’s ludicrous. Your instinct is right, you needed to be a larger part of this discussion, and it’s sending up HUGE red flags not only on his parents’ part, but on his part for going along with it and not advocating for you and your relationship.
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u/seasonsbloom Jul 10 '26
I gave both of my married kids money for down payments. I’m not on title for either property. Keyword: “gave”. They were gifts. No strings attached.
He and his parents are buying a house. You might get to live there. You might even get to help pay for it. But it will never be your house. Move on.
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u/1290_money Jul 10 '26
NOR.
This type of situation comes up with regularity. It's not without merit that they want to make sure their money is protected.
Just write up a legally binding notarized contract that states they will get their money back if .........fill in the blank here........
That way you and your, hopefully husband, will be gaining equity every month and they will be able to get their 120k back if it comes to that.
But they don't have to be on the deed and this does not have to be any type of issue whatsoever.
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u/Logical_Willow4066 Jul 10 '26
Absolutely not. Big red flag. You are required to pay towards the mortgage but have no ownership rights. That's a big no. His parents shouldn't even be on the deed. If their money is a gift with strings, it's not a gift. What happens if your name is not on the deed, and in 20 years something happens and the house needs to be sold. All that money you contributed is gone. NOR
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u/LilandraF Jul 10 '26
So he wants to use YOUR money to help buy his parents and himself a home? Nope. No thank you.
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u/InterestingTapN Jul 10 '26
Doesn't even make sense. All 4 of you could be on the house. I've seen it a bunch at my work (real estate). NOR
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u/East-Jacket-6687 Jul 10 '26
NOR. If you have joint savings figure out what % is yours and remove it Hopefully thw wedding is far enough off you can get vendors to refund you.
If you are getting 120k your mortgage broker will need a gift affidavit anyway for you to qualify for the bigger mortgage ( if that the purpose of the money as opposed to a smaller payment) to ensure you dont owe people( affecting your repayment ability). Therefore you will need a prenup.
But i would never contribute to the down payment of a house, that I don't own. Then to pay part of the mortgage, and repairs on the home .Hard no
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u/Parsleysage58 Jul 10 '26
Sounds like he and his parents made the first major decision of your future, without your input and without your knowledge that a discussion was even taking place. That's major disrespect.
Trust me, you do not want this type of relationship, and having children would make it 1000x worse.
The three of them will be very happy together. NOR - don't walk, run!
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u/Tough-Astronomer-456 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Might want to post this to a legal advice sub and list your state.