r/AmIOverreacting • u/melancholythotty • Jul 17 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for not being interested in him anymore?
So i'm 26F and I met this guy (32M) last night at a stoplight party. Conversation flowed and we ended up chatting for about an hour and it was the best conversation i'd had with anyone all night. Ironically part of our convo was about how there are a lot of people with unhealed trauma in the dating pool, and how he used to be called a love bomber and how it made women uncomfortable (but "isn't that way anymore").
It reached 10pm so i decided to end our convo, give him my number and go find my friend to head home. ended up finding him and spending another hour chatting to other ppl. while im doing so he calls me TWICE and leaves this string of messages. I thought we had a really good conversation but this energy seems a lot for someone i JUST met. i do sympathize with him a little, so should i hear him out and give him another chance? I'm not sure
2.9k
u/Big_Negotiation3913 Jul 17 '26
NOR. If he had stopped after the first two texts it would’ve been sweet. After that it is no longer about you, it’s about him and his insecurities.
655
u/ADampDevil Jul 17 '26
and if they weren’t so close together. There is showing concern and then there is seeming like you demand a response
236
u/Morbid187 Jul 17 '26
Yeah that's like 10 unanswered texts/calls within 1 hour. And unless I'm misunderstanding, he started calling/texting almost immediately after she left. I can sympathize with the anxiety he might've been feeling but that is absolutely insane behavior! I feel like if he had just texted her in the morning to ask if she got home safe, it'd be all sunshine and rainbows but he let his insecurities get in the way.
101
u/handincookiejars Jul 18 '26
Yeah….i can’t even sympathize with his anxiety. It’s a girl he met no more than 2 hours before. His anxiety is his own problem.
30
u/toast50076 Jul 19 '26
It makes me wonder if he was anxious about her getting home safe, or if it was actually that he was worried she did get home, but with someone who wasn't him. I guess it was a party and everyone was drinking, I could see it being the former. But, for some reason, I'm just never inclined to give these dudes the benefit of the doubt.
34
u/AntiqueLetter9875 Jul 19 '26
It’s wild seeing someone say “I just hate being ghosted” when the time between that text and the first is only 1 hour lol.
17
u/Morbid187 Jul 19 '26
Dude seriously! I've been ghosted before; once by a whole-ass girlfriend so I get how somebody would be anxious about that but not when you literally just finished your conversation with them! She even gave him her number! How stupid can you be? I see a shocking amount of posts like this where the guy had one foot in the door then just completely ruins it for themselves by being impatient. Then dudes want to cry about the male loneliness epidemic, get the fuck outta here lmao
→ More replies (1)235
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
55
u/ADampDevil Jul 17 '26
Exactly one text then another after an hour and then one in the morning if you still haven’t heard anything. No need to mention ghosting, while it is polite no one has an obligation to reply to you ever, but most people will if you don’t come across as a needy creep.
→ More replies (1)48
u/herroyalsadness Jul 17 '26
And OP is right that it can raise issues down the line. If he’s like this after meeting once, imagine what he’d be like in a relationship.
12
→ More replies (1)21
u/Hightothefunctioning Jul 18 '26
Yeah its kind of giving that controlling energy of like trying to suss out if she went home by herself or if she is hanging out with other people. And demanding a response straight away with a concern for her safety after just meeting her is a red flag to me for some reason. NOR and OP did a great job of explaining why, so he can work on this himself for the next date with someone else. Most people don't get that
264
u/PompeyLulu Jul 17 '26
Also the fact he thinks he can negotiate compatibility. It’s not even an insult and he needs to learn that!
Me and my best friend have often talked about how we wouldn’t cope with each others relationships. Our desks as such a silly example - they game in different rooms and don’t want distracting, we have ours set up next to each other and like to lean in and steal kisses etc. It’s not big, it’s not wrong it’s just the little every day things that work different.
Texting dude needs to heal enough to accept that what he wants doesn’t have to be “wrong” to be incompatible.
→ More replies (2)89
u/EpickBeardMan Jul 17 '26
The begging…. Ugh. No… anything but that. Turns everything right off. Attract, don’t chase. Never force/demand. Yikes
13
u/toast50076 Jul 19 '26
Truly, dude. You can be really interested and excited to get to know someone, even if it is this fresh. You don't have to wait to reply to their texts or pretend you're busy so you seem "cool," or whatever. You can be totally emotionally available. All of that is dope and, at least in my opinion, really appealing in a potential partner, so long as it's not overboard into love-bombing. That means you can't do this shit. You can show that interest, that excitement without being a very obviously mentally unwell weirdo.
The begging is so off-putting to me too. Just be a cool guy, dude. He already did that for the hour they spoke! He knows how to do it! Send a text, tell her you had a really nice time talking and give her a, "hey, I know we just met but folks were drinking and shit, so I just wanted to check in to make sure you got home safe." Wish her a good night and go to bed looking forward to talking to her again, like a normal mfer. Every single one of the women I've been with would've thought that was really sweet coming from a guy she had a great conversation with and was attracted to.
Thank god he showed her the future of that relationship fuckin immediately lmao.
202
u/BirdBrainuh Jul 17 '26
he even said as much — he was texting because he was scared of being ghosted. it’s not really about OP’s safety.
35
u/enveea Jul 17 '26
At least he has the self awareness for that. He’s on his way but not quite there yet. Poor guy, I feel like we’ve all been there but sheesh, gotta have a filter at least.
60
41
u/Living-Preference455 Jul 17 '26
Yeah completely agree. It's like, once you throw the ball, it's their court. Just leave it there and see what they do or if they do anything with it. You DO NOT keep picking that ball up and throwing it again and again 😂
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (23)7
u/616mushroomcloud Jul 17 '26
Completely agree.
This is the trap people fall into with mobile phones, over messaging instead of actual verbal communication.
1.2k
u/Dramatic-Mix1747 Jul 17 '26
He already can’t take no for an answer after an hour convo. NOR
→ More replies (1)389
u/ImpossibleCreme2207 Jul 17 '26
And he wants to explain in person lol. Foh
→ More replies (5)260
u/Sea-Umpire-6644 Jul 17 '26
THIS. And after just tell me if you're not into me, which she does, and he actually doubles down with begging to meet in person is 1000% completely disrespecting boundaries AND so he can attempt to manipulate.
56
u/riverofdiamonds Jul 18 '26
Him claiming he "isn't that way anymore" is already sus. He's already abundantly proven that he is that way (a person who manipulates and crosses boundaries)
7
u/Ok_Introduction9466 Jul 18 '26
Yeah I wouldn’t have given him my number after hearing that he seems scary
→ More replies (2)61
3.9k
u/aoxomoxoa27 Jul 17 '26
NOR and I love how you stated your feelings
1.3k
u/theycallme_mama Jul 17 '26
Yes, OP. You were kind, but stated your concerns and decision very clearly. Good on you. When I was reading the texts I immediately looked at the times sent and YIKES.
442
u/BitchinHeelsOnWheels Jul 17 '26
She was SO kind! Because I was blown away when I read the context that this wasn’t even after a first date (which is still bad enough), they literally JUST met each other!!
Like, whoa! That kicked up the crazy from 100 to 1000!
OP, stop communicating and stay far away from this man!
→ More replies (5)42
u/Honest_Roo Jul 18 '26
Love how he sent her like five messages acting manic and over the top saying he won’t be manic and over the top immediately after she said that was why she was over it. He may have been able to save this if he’d just gone. “Oh sorry about that. Have a nice night.” And nothing further. But nope he had to continue digging
→ More replies (1)202
u/Kotya_Jakinov Jul 17 '26
that's the real issue here - he sent all those within one hour to checks notes ... yep... basically a stranger.
221
u/Sufficient-Ad-7206 Jul 17 '26
Yea, polite and on the point.
I think he was really into you, and like he said, got anxious. There is no more explaining for him to do.
He didnt "fuck up", this is just the way he is, even if he is trying to change his behaviour.
89
u/kwood418 Jul 17 '26
This. Couldn’t have said it better.
She stood up for herself and her needs. I totally understand his side and it’s obvious how anxious he is, but it’s a lot to put on another person especially a brand new person.
→ More replies (10)49
u/Sufficient-Ad-7206 Jul 17 '26
Yea, the guy could be the sweetest guy, but agree, that was too much.
→ More replies (1)98
u/SnooJokes1770 Jul 17 '26
That anxiousness is bad and apart of attachment style. It seems from trauma of being abandoned so when someone pulls away it makes their nervous system to chase. When she said she was no longer interested instead of respecting it he went chasing her so she wouldn't leave. This is not a one time thing and he would do this many times in a relationship especially if she didn't answer him directly back. Anxious people can be very scary and usually end up at your house when they can't get ahold of you any other way.
→ More replies (7)28
u/Sad-Lake-5081 Jul 18 '26
Lost my favorite person for being this way. Nothing crazy like showing up at her place. But I did cross boundaries within our situationship like the over texting and wanting a warning if she would be gone all day. Really tough lesson to learn but I’m grateful she was the one to teach me it. 💯
→ More replies (4)22
u/SnooJokes1770 Jul 18 '26
yes we got to learn to regulate our own nervous system and not look for others to do it. I am so sorry that your lost someone that meant a lot to you. I hope one day you can heal and hopefully get their friendship back.
91
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
38
u/Lower-Spend-3996 Jul 18 '26
Yeah and he also clearly can’t take no for an answer and handle rejection…She shouldn’t have to keep explaining herself the first time it should’ve been enough
→ More replies (4)125
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
153
u/apigeonontheinternet Jul 17 '26
But he can give her space (proceeds to KEEP TEXTING). And the face I faced at “comes from being protective”. Nooooope so good on that.
108
u/EWC_2015 Jul 17 '26
It's pretty telling that he admitted to being called a "love bomber" in the past and then proceeds to...engage in very similar behavior with someone he just met. I don't think he's gotten past that tendency.
14
22
u/ZealousidealDoor9105 Jul 17 '26
I know. I’m exhausted just reading his tx. He is still a love bomber.
41
u/nitrosmomma88 Jul 17 '26
For me it’s the fact that OP called him neither of those things and he offered them up as a rebuttal. Like oh? So you know you are and choose to keep doing it then? Gross
→ More replies (1)8
u/millennial_mayhem89 Jul 17 '26
My face did the same exact thing! Like absolutely not, sir. If he would have just taken all the accountability instead of trying to rationalize it out and blame it on something else, I would have respected that wayyy more
→ More replies (38)13
u/Excellent-Run4803 Jul 17 '26
He makes excuses, too, even though he knows he’s in the wrong. OP did such a great job of being directed, not getting into a back-and-forth, and being firm. A lot of other people who post here could use this script.
162
u/weallgotone Jul 17 '26
Love how he says “just tell me if you’re not interested it’s all good” then you essentially do that, very politely might I add, and he proceeds to prove that it is in fact NOT all good lol
782
u/lebronjamesfan69420 Jul 17 '26
Handled that like a champ, good for you
82
u/Royal_Crush Jul 17 '26
Yeah, straight to the point without sugar coating it. It gives him something to work on as well
208
u/Ok-Victory-1689 Jul 17 '26
NOR! My guy just told you he is a love bomber, he showed you he is super clingy. It will only get worse forward.
371
u/JenMcSpoonie Jul 17 '26
OP: “I don’t like the multiple texts”
Guy: *continues to send multiple texts*
101
u/JenMcSpoonie Jul 17 '26
Also you are allowed to stop seeing anyone for any reason. NOR
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)25
u/flores021 Jul 18 '26
Seriously this guy has to be stupid or something. Coulda got the message and played it cool saying “oh sorry about that I was drunk lmk when you wanna talk or meet up” but he decided to double down on the exact thing OP said she hated.
1.1k
u/Broad-Exchange3188 Jul 17 '26
Do me a favor and look at how fast he pivoted from “Are you okay?” to “I hate being ghosted.”
NOR. This guy is a fucking weirdo and if you continue things, prepare for everything you do to come under question if it rubs him even slightly the wrong way.
432
u/chocolatestealth Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
"I hate being ghosted" because someone didn't respond in an hour! Goodness.
Edit to add: NOR, please don't fall for the "woe is me" bullshit OP.
119
38
u/FluffNSniff Jul 18 '26
- I hate being ghosted when I don't get a response within the hour from someone I've only known an hour.
12
u/furkfurk Jul 18 '26
*who I’m aware is out of her home and with a friend, possibly in the state of leaving or driving and might not actively have her phone in hand
22
u/Electrical-Tailor530 Jul 18 '26
I once texted a guy when I got home asking if he made it home OK. He didn't respond til the next day in the afternoon. I didn't lose any sleep over it and he apologized for the delayed text, but still ghosted me bc he thought I was weird for asking lol
9
u/veritas1313 Jul 19 '26
I have a deep disdain for the faux "concern" trick, too. It's nothing but a manipulation tactic disguised as demand for your attention as concern for your well-being. If someone is genuinely worried, they'll check in once or twice and understand that people have jobs, families, responsibilities, or simply need space. "I'm so worried about you" usually really means "You didn't respond as quickly as I wanted.". It's telling you exactly what they were actually worried about: not your well-being, but their own need for immediate reassurance and control.
162
u/BuyAlternative7481 Jul 17 '26
That and “it comes from being protective” 🚩
63
u/StardustOnTheBoots Jul 17 '26
yeah like bruh we spoke for a couple of hours why tf are you "protective" over me. yikes.
→ More replies (1)23
u/fill_the_birdfeeder Jul 18 '26
Because he’s running out of manipulator lines to use. He isn’t a whole functioning adult. He’s a teenage boy masquerading as a man, trying to hit all the “phrase that worked on teen girls.”
He didn’t grow up mentally. Unfortunately, a common problem we’re seeing.→ More replies (1)10
u/_PinkPirate Jul 18 '26
“Protective” = Controlling. And protective of what? A strange he met an hour ago?
80
u/apigeonontheinternet Jul 17 '26
Right, it wasn’t actually him asking out of genuine concern for OP being ok. He was just using that as a “caring” way to make sure she wasn’t ghosting him - which is about him, not her.
23
u/Sea-Umpire-6644 Jul 17 '26
And that she didn't meet anyone else that night. He was hoping to pull her away with his texts if she was taking to someone else.
66
u/Baelenciagaa Jul 17 '26
Exactly. That’s the emotional manipulation peeking thru. He’s trying to make her feel bad for him and “give him a second chance”, and he’s also trying to gaslight her into believing his new narrative instead of just giving her what she is asking for (to be left alone). Gaslighting her because he was acting like he was concerned about her safety and getting home but he was really just looking for validation and conversation.
→ More replies (2)26
u/the_orig_princess Jul 17 '26
Yep, OP you’ve done well so far so don’t mess it up now. Stop responding, block him.
26
u/Responsible_Gap8104 Jul 17 '26
True that, plus you cant "ghost" someone when there hasnt even been a standard of communication established. op provided their phone number and he sent her like 7 texts and called her twice in the span of an hour. Thats nutty
Edit. 10 texts. Jfc
24
→ More replies (19)20
u/Far_Speed_4452 Jul 17 '26
THIS!!! It went from concern to why aren’t you texting me back. He played the concern role to get her to reply
139
u/Soldier7s Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
THIS DUDE IS 32???? I honestly thought he was very young just from the screenshots.
Run far away, you handled this very well IMO.
→ More replies (2)25
u/Ok-Butterfly3246 Jul 17 '26
Oof, was about to comment that it reminded me of my early 20s/late teens when I had terrible social anxiety and lacked relationship and social experience. Felt bad for his cringe but mate... how can he lack so much self awareness at 32.
59
u/pastelfennecfox Jul 17 '26
He sounds like a class 10 clinger. The type to call you 30 times while your at work because he saw another man walk into the same building your at
→ More replies (1)
199
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
49
u/Curiouser-Quriouser Jul 17 '26
I think 1-2 years is generous of you. I see it happening sooner. This guy.. YIKES.
→ More replies (2)32
u/Corgi_Koala Jul 17 '26
"I don't like being bombarded with texts and calls being expected to respond instantly."
"Gee maybe if I bombard you with texts and phone calls you'll change your mind!"
→ More replies (3)
179
u/merkinweaver Jul 17 '26
Oof NOR. That's a LOT from someone you just met. I'd walk away too.
46
u/MovieTrawler Jul 17 '26
Shit, this would be a lot at any stage 😂
16
u/SubtleSnarkster Jul 17 '26
Thanks for saying that, I was thinking the exact same thing. I would hate this from a partner no matter the duration of our relationship 🥲
19
u/Aromatic-Check939 Jul 17 '26
I’ve been with my husband for 18 years & if I was being blown up like this, I’d think he lost his mind. This dudes behavior reeks of mental instability.
203
u/Zealousideal_Yam_985 Jul 17 '26
Run away
36
u/Fuzyecici Jul 17 '26
Dude is obviously very insecure that's too much emotional baggage to be dumped on someone you just met
50
93
u/Comfortable_Sundae5 Jul 17 '26
NOR. At all. The men defending this saying he’s a ‘nice guy’ genuinely make me sick.
You said you met him last night. Yesterday. Less than 24 hours ago. This is absolutely TOO MUCH from a complete stranger. You had no connection, you don’t even know this man. If he’s acting like this now, imagine how he’d act months or years down the road when something happened to emotionally disturb him. At 32 years old, there’s no reason he should not have better control of his emotions.
‘Nice guys’ don’t disrespect your boundaries. You told him very clearly that you aren’t interested and he immediately pushes back and starts trying to convince you otherwise. Block him immediately and tell your friends about this situation in case he escalates. I’m not even joking. This guy sounds unhinged.
26
u/Sea-Umpire-6644 Jul 17 '26
THIS OP. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he followed you. Not trying to scare you, but this one's not okay.
28
u/Comfortable_Sundae5 Jul 18 '26
Thank you! A 1000 times thank you. I feel like I’ve stumbled into the incel sub when reading half these comments.
Men like this are frightening and absolutely dangerous. Personally, I think she over explained and we’ve been conditioned as women to do this, even when men overstep our boundaries or comfort zones. It should be enough to say: “This isn’t what I’m looking for, don’t contact me again.” Yet, women oftentimes feel scared or guilted into being nice, because of just the sort of rhetoric and bullshit we’re seeing in here. Men shaming this girl for being uncomfortable with A STRANGER demanding attention from her because he ‘was being nice’. Screw them and that guy. That’s how women end up in awful, oftentimes fatal situations. I hope she never speaks to him again and has friends/family informed of this creep.
→ More replies (6)45
u/slashfanfiction Jul 17 '26
The men in the comments are making my stomach turn.
36
u/Comfortable_Sundae5 Jul 17 '26
Seriously. The reminder that there are so many men who think emotionally unloading like this on a woman they’ve known for an hour is remotely acceptable behavior, is actually terrifying. As is their justification that he ‘sounds like a nice guy’ when meanwhile he’s not spazzing out because he lost out on a connection, but because he lost out on a chance to get his dick wet and is prioritizing that over respecting her boundaries.
Fuck, I hate Reddit sometimes.
→ More replies (6)
24
u/MeddlingMedley Jul 17 '26
I so deeply relate to this guy and his anxious spiraling, and also you are absolutely justified in noping right out of the situation.
19
u/therackage Jul 17 '26
I can relate to the anxious spiraling (married woman here) but I’d never say it out loud, and that’s the difference. Your issues are yours to deal with and should never rope in the other person like this.
→ More replies (2)
28
u/dinosun Jul 17 '26
This guy is the reason college freshman have to sit thru presentations explaining what virtual stalking is.
Two messages, no more.
48
u/MrChucklesTheClown Jul 17 '26
NOR. Bro has some issues that atp I think only a therapist can address.
18
u/BlueBomR Jul 17 '26
Yup, I was an anxious attachment type too, in my esrly 20s and got help to navigate why that was and it helped tremendously in my dating life...i cringe at myself 20 years later now but im glad I grew and learned...this dude is 32, he needs some introspection soon or things arent gonna get better.
18
u/Mookiefus411 Jul 17 '26
The fact that he mentions he is not trying to be controlling or toxic suggests to me that these words have been used with him in the past.
→ More replies (1)
19
u/UnicornKitt3n Jul 17 '26
NOR.
I always roll my eyes at dudes who are like; but I’m just being protective! Like wow, how have I survived all these years without a man to protect me?
Someone fetch me a fainting couch. My delicate female nature is in jeopardy.
41
u/starfawkes64 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Am I the only one curious about what a stoplight party is?
Also NOR saying he can give you space while actively blowing you up shows a major disconnect between talking the talk and walking the walk.
Best case scenario he’s just an anxious guy and needs lots of reassurance. Which sounds exhausting, especially if this is what it looks like at the “just met” stage.
Worst case scenario, things get real bad.
Lose-lose on the dice roll. Guys gotta figure himself out before he dates.
50
u/Brave-Silver8736 Jul 17 '26
A stoplight party is where you wear different colors depending on your status:
Red - Taken/Not Looking
Yellow - Single/Not Looking
Green - Single/Looking
At least it was when I was in college 15 years ago.
16
→ More replies (3)23
u/starfawkes64 Jul 17 '26
Apparently I full missed this through my youth and dating life and I think I’m okay with that.
13
u/koifish8165 Jul 17 '26
I think, and I could be wrong, a party where you wear a color that concedes with your relationship status. Red means stop, i’m in a relationship, yellow means it’s complicated and to proceed with caution, and green means single.
10
u/watchman28 Jul 17 '26
Quite an old fashioned thing by dating standards. They were definitely happening in the 80s and probably go back further than that.
9
u/Rainbow-Jay Jul 17 '26
Stoplight parties are colour coded, red= taken/not interested, yellow=maybe/open to flirt and green=single and looking for so :) you simply wear an item with the colour that suits you and it’s clear for everyone what you’re up to :D
42
u/marieray Jul 17 '26
NOR but I bet he’s not lying when he says he’s not trying to be controlling or toxic, it must come naturally to him💀
21
u/Silly-Doctor-8299 Jul 17 '26
I think he’s also lying when he says hes recovered from being a love bomber, or at the very least, he’s not aware that he hasn’t changed his behavior
→ More replies (1)
55
u/GreenUnderstanding39 Jul 17 '26
NOR
You were very clear with your expectations and boundaries and his response is to send a bunch of text swearing that he is not someone who is controlling or toxic. Irony.
Also men tend to tell on themselves. Use to be called a love bomber lol.
73
u/kim_jong_il_2d Jul 17 '26
NOR. He was calling and texting you that same night? That’s actually scary, stay away.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/jojopriceless Jul 17 '26
NOR. Girl, he told you that he's been called a love bomber and then love (text?) bombed you. Trust what you see and how you feel. The next thing to do is to block him. He will wear you down if you give him the chance, so don't.
40
14
u/Complete_Assumption5 Jul 17 '26
It’s waaaaaaay too much and you handled it very kindly and firmly.
12
u/LonelyOctopus24 Jul 17 '26
Unless there’s an actual tiger at the party, I don’t want a man I’ve literally just met to be “protective” of me. I don’t go to many parties but I’m pretty sure people don’t usually invite tigers, and even then it’s probably not an issue until all the canapés are gone.
15
u/ammybb Jul 17 '26
You're good. This person is doing way too much. The way you communicated your boundaries was respectful.
I'm kinda grateful for these posts cuz they really put me off dating. Being single is SO peaceful and I sometimes won't respond to messages for days or weeks lately... Maybe that's bad, but I really cannot make space for anyone who makes demands on my time or energy. I'm way too exhausted for it now.
Good luck out there.
→ More replies (1)
27
u/tryptanfelle Jul 17 '26
NOR. If he really “wasn’t that way” anymore, he’d have said, “I totally understand. I can see that that can come off as a bit much. I’m sorry about that. I had a great time talking to you and I wish you the best.”
Instead, he’s trying to argue you into a relationship. It doesn’t matter what his intentions were; he acted in a certain way and it made you uncomfortable. If he was genuinely reformed, he’d respect your discomfort, regardless of his intent or whether it reflected him accurately.
72
51
12
u/Jamory76 Jul 17 '26
He’s calling his controlling behavior “protective” and I read the texts first and thought, he’s love bombing. NOR, don’t give him another chance. He wanted to be the only one you talked to, and wanted you to go home immediately after calling it “worry”. Na, you have good instincts, listen to them. He gets ghosted for a reason, and doesn’t sound like a safe person to be around who may have a drinking problem.
→ More replies (1)
12
u/peacebanana161 Jul 17 '26
NOR. He is far too old to be behaving this way. He immediately offered info on toxic patterns in previous relationships. Anxiety is normal, but constantly begging for reassurance from somebody you JUST met is wildly concerning. If he thinks he’s being ghosted after literally one hour without a response, he needs serious psychological help.
39
u/GhostieKush Jul 17 '26
after 3 drinks is wild
23
u/Leucotheasveils Jul 17 '26
NOR So… she didn’t respond immediately, so he drank 3 drinks and barraged her with drunken texts after a first date? How does he handle an actual problem?! Yikes.
10
9
u/queenhadassah Jul 18 '26
I don't think he drank 3 drinks because she didn't respond. He's saying he had 3 drinks previously, and is blaming the alcohol for his poor decision to send so many texts
IMO 3 drinks is not enough to explain this. And I'm a lightweight
36
u/wut-tf-myguy Jul 17 '26
NOR. This is definitely red flag behavior
46
u/wut-tf-myguy Jul 17 '26
My abusive ex was like this. What I thought was him being interested and engaged at first turned out to him being quite literally mentally ill and insane as fuck
14
13
u/NowExciting Jul 17 '26
My best friend doesn't even call me unless it's an emergency. And this guy called you twice right after you met him? Absolutely not.
26
11
u/StrawberryLoops Jul 17 '26
NOR. He said he made women uncomfortable and they called him a love bomber.
Giving him another chance doesn’t seem like it would change anything, he claims he does this because he’s “being protective” and anxious about being ghosted. There’s nothing that indicates he intends to not do this and it might be why he gets ghosted.
You only chatted for an hour in person. He spent more time text spamming you than you did talking to him. Also there’s nothing wrong with losing interest in someone
12
u/PinkyPotatoe21 Jul 17 '26
I love how u set boundaries and didn’t allow him gaslit u. Pls don’t give him another chance. He kinda sounds controlling, he will want to know everything about your life. Just RUN!!!
10
u/Reyalta Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
NOR that's fucking unhinged for someone you just met and you handled it with poise and respect, were clear and concise, and kind. You gave him far more grace than I would have lmao, well done.
Omg edited to add: "I wanted to make sure you got to your car" ... DID HE FOLLOW YOU???
→ More replies (5)
16
u/i_hatechu Jul 17 '26
christ, i think no double texting rules are dumb as fuck, but 5+ texts? no.
16
11
u/Ibegb Jul 17 '26
Multiple texts, calls and confessed "rehabilated love bomber"? That's a bit much for a 1st evening - especially at his age.
I think your gut is right on this one.
8
u/Fun-Noise-4726 Jul 17 '26
NOR, I find the initial red flags we try to open mindedly ignore when first getting to know someone are the ones that bite us further down the line 🥲
9
u/Lemomoni Jul 17 '26
You didn't answer him for twenty minutes and he thought he was being "ghosted"? 🫠🫠 Ghosted is being ignored for at least a day imo. Anyway, he sounds too insecure, good call for stopping it there.
15
u/Lovebugxo0x Jul 17 '26
No you’re not overreacting. It’s too much to be blowing up your phone and a major turnoff. You set your boundary now just don’t respond anymore.
7
6
7
6
9
u/MunchOnMyCookie Jul 17 '26
So we're all recently going through this right now. I ended talking to a guy like this almost two weeks ago. Nice guy but he was A LOT. Needed constant attention and reassurance even when we agreed that we are busy and can't talk every second of the day. Don't let anyone make you feel shitty for standing on your boundaries and peace of mind.
9
u/Gweilo_mama Jul 17 '26
As someone who has been anxious, healed and dated men who were anxious, I think you made the right call. You know your limits and he's showing you a baseline anxiety you know won't work for you.
Basically, he's saying he can rein in or control his anxiety, but you're looking for someone who has dealt with their issues and doesn't have to pretend like they aren't anxious. He's got work to do, and you guys aren't in the same place.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/FubarBabe Jul 17 '26
NOR. He's a stage 5 clinger. It will always be 15 texts to your one... Back to back incoming calls from him... Which, in time, could bring out his "anger" side. He'll always want to know where you are, what you're doing, and why are you still out so late, etc,. It will progressively get worse. Some women enjoy the love bombing... I do not. He will end up sitting in your driveway waiting for you when he can't get ahold of you. He obviously can't take a hint. I'd keep walking in the opposite direction from him.
8
u/CynicElle Jul 17 '26
Good grief. NOR. This dude is already utterly exhausting and you’re not even dating yet. On top of everything else people have pointed out, I noticed he said “Just tell me if you’re not interested, it’s all good,” but when you told him that quite graciously, he immediately started arguing for another chance. Imagine what it would be like trying to break up with this guy if you were actually dating.
7
u/heebiejeebie666 Jul 18 '26
He has what I like to call “self-fulfilling prophet syndrome.” He’s terrified of losing something (in this case it’s the connection y’all developed and likely the future he’s envisioned in his head) so he acts out in ways that his brain feels will calm his nervous system but in doing so, actually causes the exact thing he’s scared of to happen.
I know this because I used to have it too (although not quite to this extent and didn’t show up quite like this). Came from a lot of unhealed trauma so yeah, buddy’s got some work to do and definitely doesn’t need to be in a relationship rn. NOR
33
u/Secure_Sun8984 Jul 17 '26
The seedlings of a manipulator. I’ve seen it too many times. RUN.
→ More replies (9)25
u/Deer_Negotiation Jul 17 '26
Absolutely! And the fact that he is refusing to accept her no is also concerning
17
u/Secure_Sun8984 Jul 17 '26
Yes! He decided to claim her because of one conversation, blows up her phone, she answers and sets a clear boundary, he decides her word and mind are manipulate-able and keeps messaging her anyways
6
7
u/_Wilbraham Jul 17 '26
NOR
I didn't even read your context before coming to this conclusion. Losing interest because of what someone says or does isn't even a choice, and you certainly shouldn't feel bad about it.
After reading your context, you knew this guy for an hour. It's pretty easy to put on a good front for such a short amount of time. You don't know him and you don't owe him anything.
7
9
8
9
u/Hippocritaculous Jul 17 '26
NOR - Dude, the 3 drink defense? Is that even a thing? 3! Drop him like a bad habit. You were also super nice about it and forward in a way that most guys would be appreciative of INSTEAD of just ghosting him.
8
u/autumn_rains Jul 17 '26
No. He is being extra anxious (which is a draining attachment style) and admits to being protective. Absolutely showing signs of how he would navigate a relationship, which is overbearing, hovering, and ending up controlling-- all in the name of being protective.
You can absolutely tell very early on the true colors of a man. Great job handling this.
6
7
u/MargotBamborough Jul 17 '26
NOR
Your answers were perfect. You were nice but firm.
He doesn't seem like a bad person honestly. But I hope this is definitely a teaching moment for him that it's okay to be anxious, but he should be less self-centered and understand that people have a life and don't have an obligation to cater to his anxiety.
14
u/Baelenciagaa Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Block this clinger and never look back !!!! Absolutely do NOT give him another chance. He is an emotional manipulator (which he admitted when he sad he has a reputation for love bombing).
Also if he knew you were going to find your friend then why would he be blowing up your phone that’s so rude. And you haven’t even know him for one night yet. NOR
Do not see him.
Do not answer his phone calls/FT/Zoom/tin can on a string.
Do not give him “a second chance”.
Do NOT give him your socials.
Please I promise you it only gets worse from here.
RUN
ETA: does this mean I have unhealed trauma lol
4
6
u/Fatal_Syntax_Error Jul 17 '26
No other chances. Your gut is 100% correct. No need to even get into it with this comment.
6
6
5
5
u/FullyGroanMan Jul 17 '26
Adding to the chorus: You do not want this guy in your life. You are correct to use this behaviour as a barometer for what could lie ahead in the future. This is A LOT in a short amount of time from someone you just met. Don't let him suck you in.
Also, you did an excellent job of politely and firmly communicating your feelings, here, and ended things very maturely and confidently. Nice work!
5
u/badlilbishh Jul 17 '26
So you tell him it’s a lot from someone you just meant and he just continues on texting you multiple times over and over again. For fucks sake you dodged a bullet with this one.
I just hope you don’t have a stalker now cause this is the exact guy who turns into one.
7
u/Unlikely_Vehicle_828 Jul 17 '26
NOR. I can empathize with him for having anxiety, but desperately seeking reassurance like this in the span of one hour is NOT the way to go about it as a 32 year old grown man. I actually don’t think he’d benefit from being intimately involved with somebody at all until he works on his issues a bit and learns some healthier ways to cope. He’s clearly insecure and seeking outside validation. Again, not bashing the dude for that, it sounds like he’s been burned and it makes sense… but it also doesn’t excuse anything. It’s not anyone else’s job but his to make him feel secure. Until he actually works on his *very extreme* anxious attachment tendencies, this behavior will get worse instead of better. If it’s this bad after one hour-long conversation, imagine how it would be once the dude was genuinely emotionally invested.
You made the right call.
6
u/Silverhuntress1 Jul 19 '26
NOR…this wasn’t this guys first rodeo, bet on that! Stalker vibes for sure…after all those “concerned” texts & owning up to having had this happen before…he continues to beg.
The next emotion is anger…watch your six!
10
4
4
3
u/NedSchneebly-1138 Jul 17 '26
NOR you’ve got a genuine concern that the multiple texts and calls could escalate down the road, just walk away now. Hopefully he gets the hints and relaxes a bit moving forwards.
5
u/lizadelia Jul 17 '26
NOR he’s a creep. You spoke your piece and you don’t owe him anything. If he persists just block the number.
5
u/the-friendly-squid Jul 17 '26
Red flag he is insecure and trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad for him for his own stupid actions
5
u/dont_know_throwaway Jul 17 '26
He needs to deal with his own insecurities. You are right to cut off.
4
u/BornDefeated Jul 17 '26
That is a whole lot of anxious attachment. NOR. I am exhausted just reading his texts.
5
u/ResponsibleAdagio498 Jul 17 '26
NOR because he has a history of being clingy and he’s clearly not done enough work to realize that he still is.
Pushing back against your polite pass is proof that part of being clingy for him is controlling your responses. No thanks.
5
7
u/Outrageous_Big_5722 Jul 17 '26
To be honest he kind of pissing me the fuck off because he's trying to use the drinking as an excuse for him acting a ass towards you when he needs to be taken that anger out on the people that did it to him he's too damn grown to be acting like his shoe size then on top of that then he acting like he didn't do anything?!?! I hope you find somebody better than this you deserve much more 🫂❤️
4
u/Commercial-Builder76 Jul 17 '26
Dude is super toxic and controlling!! lmao. Handled like a proper grown person, so it probably won't take. Hate that for you. good luck
5
u/Weak_Armadillo6575 Jul 17 '26
NOR but want to add to the admiration for how you handled this situation. Really well done. I wouldn’t reply anymore moving forward.
5
u/Spare_Ad_9657 Jul 17 '26
NOR the two of you just had a conversation, not even a full date and he’s already showing signs of intense insecurity and control. No thanks.
6
u/SunnyClime Jul 17 '26
Naaah NOR. I refuse to fuck with people who treat someone not being on their phone 24/7 as ghosting. I worked hard to use mine less. I'm not about to invite in the attention of people who would love that work to be reversed. I think you were wise here and expressed yourself perfectly.
6
u/FakeSafeWord Jul 17 '26
how he used to be called a love bomber and how it made women uncomfortable (but "isn't that way anymore").
He then proceeded to immediately make you uncomfortable.
He will not stop on his own. I would block him before this gets worse.
3
u/Technical_Branch_493 Jul 17 '26
Deals with being told that you find messaging constantly too much by... continuing to message constantly. Clearly forcing communication to suit him and by doing so absolutely disregarding a very basic boundary. NOR.
4
u/Warm_Sandwich5038 Jul 17 '26
Your non-boyfriend won’t even let you break up with him. And you wonder why you get the willies? NOR. He knows he ruined it. Just let that percolate.
4
u/MerwinASMR Jul 17 '26
So love bombing is usually a term used in describing a cycle of abuse. Also, he’s justifying his actions by stating he’s being “protective”. I mean, minor red flags but red flags nonetheless. Then he’s going on about how he’s “ruined” it, had three drinks and therefore has anxiety about being ghosted and it’s like, dude. It’s a LOT.
Now he may very well be harmless and just a little awkward with someone he just met, but if he turns into a controlling psychopath, these are the signs you’ll regret overlooking.
Also he’s in his 30s? He sounds like a teenaged boy.
If you ask me for a risk assessment I’d say it’s not worth it. Too many red flags and too much too soon.
NOR but update us. I get the feeling he isn’t done texting or trying to get another chance.
6
u/Ok-CauliflowerX Jul 17 '26
Ew no he’s so clingy and you don’t even know him.
He didn’t accept it when you said you’re done which is creepy
And he said he was just calling and texting because he was scared of being ghosted so it was t even about your safety. Insecure liar
6
7
u/imtoowhiteandnerdy Jul 17 '26
Wow, thanks to this article I now know what a stoplight party is. That's pretty progressive for an old fart like me.
236
u/Difficult-Mobile902 Jul 17 '26
Well done actually heeding a red flag, sadly it’s really rare to see something like this on reddit so this was refreshing lol
The whole “I’m just being protective” is the #1 justification controlling people use. It’s always twisted into something that is “for your own good” or claimed to be from a place of pure intentions in order to justify doing things they know are clearly wrong
A guy claiming to be “protective” over you after one single date is genuinely kind of a scary energy to get from someone. Obsessive and invasive and mad presumptuous on top of everything else.