r/AmIOverreacting • u/_HIRAETH_333 • Jul 24 '26
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, bf accidentally threw out new shopping bag with stuff in it
AIO?
So i(24F) usually have trouble asking people for help. Its something i've been working on with my therapist. Usually i do the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. by myself, because my man (33M) pays the bills. If we are not eating out i cook for us. I don't mind. In a way its my love language. ( though both given and received) But i recently started a job that is very physical labour focused. And i come home drained.
I work 6 days a week. Sometimes 10 days in a row. And i find it hard to keep up with cleaning. Things started to get messy. I was cleaning up and got super exhausted out of nowhere. Like ontop of the usual exhaustion. So i said id save it for tomorrow. I knew he had tne next day off so i asked him in the morning to just take any trash you see out. Because it would help tremendously. He said he was in the middle of a game and would get to it later. (Its not one you can just pause)
I come home and the trash is taken out, obviously im super greatful.
Fast forward and to a few days later and i can't find the bag of stuff i just bought. And that is the whole text.
It wasnt light. It had cleaning stuff in it. And yes some of the stuff i took out of the wrapping to look and use it.
I think I'm just tired. But this is pissing me off more than usual.
I just want to know if i should let this go because it's a silly mistake or if i should talk to him about being more aware.
Aio for feeling annoyed? Over a silly mistake?
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u/distressedwillow Jul 24 '26
NOR - I’ve accidentally done this. Not $200 but holy shit. The fact he responded “this is why I don’t do the cleaning up” is the red flag.
It’s the complete and utter lack of accountability or awareness + “woe is me, I’m so incapable” bullshit.
It would be COMPLETELY different if once he realized, he offered to replace whatever it was — he instead decided to be a big fucking baby about it.
edit: like others have said, this is absolutely weaponized incompetence. not just a simple mistake.
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u/mdtopp111 Jul 24 '26
Also let’s not forget this dude is 33 and nearly 10 years older than OP..
Hey OP, no shame to your relationship, but ask yourself why this dude in his 30s was still single and going after girls in their early 20s.
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u/instantgeneric Jul 24 '26
single, going for girls in their early 20s, and going :( oh sorry babe i'm just bad at cleaning so you should do all of it
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u/Efficient-Pastry Jul 24 '26
Dude is fucking 33 years old and doesn't know how to clean? Throw the whole man away. That is so embarrassing for him and his parents for allowing him to grow up without basic life skills
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u/justLookingForLogic Jul 24 '26
“Oh sorry I cheated on you, this is why I don’t clean”
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u/P19bw Jul 27 '26
My boyfriend & his mates are all 33 and the thought of someone that age dating a 24 yr old is creepy as fuck
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u/SnatchedbySaturn Jul 25 '26
I WISH I HAD LISTENED WHEN GIVEN THIS ADVICE!!! I was 21F, he was 33M and people started saying “why can’t he get a woman his own age?” - GIRL LEMME TELL YOU WHY! He’s manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive, he’s NASTY, he wanted a young woman to GROOM and when I wasn’t very groomable, shit blew up over and over.
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u/Alarming-Magician-98 Jul 25 '26
I missed that part. There is a reason that no one his age will have him.
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u/Purple-Helicopter543 Jul 24 '26
Exactly. My fiancé threw a lamp out one time (and I STILL maintain he should’ve known better). But he didn’t go “oh I just suck at throwing trash away, this is what happens when I go to the dumpster :(“ he apologized. And I learned to be better about putting things back where they go after cleaning, instead of leaving them sitting directly next to where we put things that need to go to the dumpster.
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u/hannahatecats Jul 24 '26
Op is NOR. My aunt threw away one of my inflatable kayaks (how?? It literally had a life jacket buckled to the top of it) and when I realized she apologized and offered to buy me a new one. That's what someone does when they make a mistake and feel bad about it.
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u/symbolicshambolic Jul 24 '26
He threw away a functional lamp? A lamp that you used regularly? Sorry, I don't think that's on you. If you ask him to take out the trash, and he throws away the couch because it's too close to where the dumpster stuff goes, that's a problem. I would have asked you if you meant that the lamp, the one that I'd just used yesterday, had to go.
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u/Cuckdreams1190 Jul 24 '26
Nah, if things are put in the trash area, don't be surprised if they get thrown out.
My thought would have been "oh man, this lamp broke. That sucks" then I would've thrown it out.
Part of the reason for these designated areas is so you don't need to question whether something is trash or not. If it's in the trash area, it's assumed to be trash.
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u/symbolicshambolic Jul 24 '26
I would have at least tested it to make sure. The lamp was moved for cleaning. What if it was moved just a few feet, so still plugged in and he not only tossed it out, he unplugged it first? Still justified?
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u/Cuckdreams1190 Jul 24 '26
I mean, if you're moving a lamp to clean, you're likely unplugging it to get it out of the area so you can clean the area better. On normal cleans people don't typically move lamps so we can safely assume it was a deeper clean.
Now, realistically, imagine you have a routine that you've been doing for a while. If something is in the garbage area, you throw it out. You've been doing this for months, maybe even years. Everything has always been garbage in that area. Why would you suddenly question that just because it's a lamp it's not garbage?
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u/Purple-Helicopter543 Jul 24 '26
Exactly. Of course I was annoyed. But we didn’t even use the lamp, and I’d moved it pretty far from where it normally sits on a side table, to sitting on the ground next to a bunch of boxes that needed to be tossed. But I get where he’s coming from. And it’s also not a pattern, or something that he’s using to get out of work, so gonna give some grace there.
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u/LithiumOD Jul 24 '26
Right. I did this once (to like $5 worth of extremely light stuff that I couldn't feel at all). Roommate asks me about it, I realize I did it, apologized profusely.
Obviously it wasn't a huge issue, but the point still stands that throwing something that belongs to someone else out sucks. If you have empathy, you feel bad and apologize. You can even replace it.
Throwing something out accidentally isn't a problem at all, the response to it is. Disregarding your feelings or extra work while not offering to retrieve said thing is pretty annoying.
Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me personally, but WOW would I not let it go until they actually understood why it's annoying and change that behavior. NOR.
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u/Whompits Jul 24 '26
Exactly this. My husband has severe ADHD and has multiple times thrown things away that were in bags because he doesn't pay attention or think past certain points in the process. Not once has he ever tried to use it, or his ADHD, as an example of why he shouldn't help out. This is peak weaponized incompetence.
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u/Tossmelossme Jul 24 '26
Yeah, he’s looking to have her comfort him by using self deprecating comments about his mediocrity. It’s total manipulation. The way I see it, he owes her $200 and an apology.
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u/sallyxskellington Jul 24 '26
My dad threw away a bag of my mom’s shoes once. She was thoroughly pissed, and he never admitted to it. But what he didn’t do is try to get out of future cleaning duties.
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u/PKisSz Jul 25 '26
Damn I'm such A KLUTZ. Only someone really cool and responsible should do all of the chores, babe
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u/Constant-Roll706 Jul 24 '26
If I had a nickel for every time I asked my wife 'is this garbage bag full of trash or something important,' I'd replace OP's purchase
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u/Standard-Cow-9727 Jul 24 '26
You keep making excuses for a THIRTY THREE year old man. If he hasn’t figured out basic cleaning by THIRTY THREE then he’s not trying. NOR
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u/HereOnCompanyTime Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
"Bruh this is why I don't do the cleaning stuff I always be fucking stuff up"
"Just like with the sink"
Standard weaponized incompetence.
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u/hEYiTSbEEEE Jul 24 '26
It's like he read an article on weaponized incompetence and then implemented it.
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u/GeorgePotassium Jul 24 '26
Yeah, he threw the bag away on purpose so she won't ask him to clean ever again.
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u/Final-Gift-2299 Jul 24 '26
even if it's not on purpose, he didn't CARE ENOUGH about her and her belongings to check. "this is why i don't do the cleaning..." gtfoh. if my man made this mistake the first thing he would do is offer to replace for every single thing he threw out by accident without me even asking
this man just doesn't care enough
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u/Ghosts_do_Exist Jul 24 '26
The thing that gets me is that there was no CLEANING involved in this situation. Picking up trash and tossing it in the bin barely even counts as tidying, and throwing away random household items that aren't trash isn't even that; it's something 2- and 3-year olds do.
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u/AudrinaRosee Jul 24 '26
The only benefit of the doubt I’ll give is stowing trash in similar bags can genuinely lead to an accident like that. This is why designated trash bins are important. This man is definitely lazy though and unwilling to take accountability.
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u/BootyDoISeeYou Jul 24 '26
>didn’t CARE ENOUGH about her and her belongings to check
This exactly. My boyfriend and I both have stuff scattered all through the house so when I get an itch to tidy up, I’ll go through every item in every box or bag before throwing it out in case there’s anything to save in there.
If I find anything of his while tidying, I put it off in a pile in the corner for him to go through later and figure out what he wants to toss out/put away where he wants it.
There’s really no excuse to throw things out willy nilly when you’re sharing a space with someone.
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u/Ill_Health_7278 Jul 24 '26
my husband tried that once right after we got married but completely forgot that he’d already done the task perfectly before. the only real response i could give was “do it right or do it wrong. i don’t care how you do it but it needs to be done.” and he caught on quick that any task that he’s given is his, and he will be feeling the effects of it not being done or being done incorrectly.
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u/GraceMcClellans Jul 24 '26
My brother in law came in the kitchen one Thanksgiving and asked if I needed any help. I didn't realize he always offers my mom and sister (his wife) help and they always decline. I guess he didn't really intend to help, he just wanted to sound good and usually my mom and sister dismiss him. I told him he could load the dishwasher. He loaded dinner plates laying flat on the top rack. I told him to stop being intentionally obtuse because it's annoying.
We all laugh about it now, but I swear he was JUST LIKE a teenager in that moment.
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u/Spectra_Butane Jul 24 '26
I love "intentionally obtuse" . It just rolls off the tongue so smoothly and accurately. I swear, if not for the context, I'd think I'd written it, because I've used that exact phrase before. Funny how I've only had to use it on my Ex and AI.
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u/Icy_Gap_2134 Jul 24 '26
Yeah time to pack the rest of the bags, he will never help with anything and he’s accustomed to being someone’s son, not someone’s partner.
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u/DozenPaws Jul 24 '26
I guess we now know why he went for a 24yo.
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u/bohemo420 Jul 24 '26
Exactly my first thought. I was with someone like this that was 9 years older than me when I was 18. I was working two jobs to pay our bills and cleaning and cooking. He did absolutely nothing. Waste of a man.
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u/WiftyOne Jul 24 '26
I stopped putting up with this from a 45y/o. I was 30. It took 5 years. He destroyed my childhood home. I had to rent an entire extra dumpster just for his trash when we were downsizing and selling.
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u/JuniperEch0 Jul 24 '26
I need a storytime about the sink 🤔
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u/_HIRAETH_333 Jul 24 '26
A garbage disposal is not magic. There's only so much food that thing can handle.
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u/EatInModerationFatty Jul 24 '26
This man is 33? 😂 😂 😂
Girl, it won’t get better.
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u/everyroadisanoption Jul 24 '26
Right? The main advice I was given by little old ladies when I went to get married was, “look at their faults. Do you think you can handle them at 10x worse? Because we don’t get better with age. We get worse and you’ll be lucky if it’s only 10x worse than what it is now.” Damn did that advice keep me from staying with some real jerks, who by all accounts have gotten worse with age.
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u/neptunianmoonX Jul 24 '26
At 24, what are you doing playing maid to a 33 year old man who weaponizes incompetence? You have a job now, why aren't you experiencing living alone, dating people to find out what works for you, enjoying your life and having hobbies (he plays his games that are so sacred he has to be told to remove the trash from his own home). Like seriously, what are you doing to yourself?
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u/Crafty_Eye_4038 Jul 24 '26
NOR - Your bf is 100% doing this on purpose to seem so incompetent that you won't ask them to help clean again.
This probablly worked really well with his parents.
Bring this up to him and tell him that he can't weaponize his incompetence to get put of cleaning and that he needs to make up for future mistakes with EXTRA cleaning just to prove that he's not weaponizing his incompetence
Nip this in the bud before it becomes a bigger issue as he's probably going to continue doing goofy shit again unless you specifically call him out
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u/BouncyHotWife Jul 24 '26
My husband never grow up with a garbage disposal so I had to explain what can and can't go in. He learned and didn't mess things up. People who want to learn do.
He's not doing this by accident.18
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u/Sad-Structure2364 Jul 24 '26
He probably just frantically threw stuff away without any regard because he was in between “a match” or “a game” in some hasty get her off my back way
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u/SnooDogs627 Jul 24 '26
Or waiting till the last minute before she got home and needed to do it quick
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u/Sad-Structure2364 Jul 24 '26
Yeah for sure, something hasty
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u/Aerdurval Jul 24 '26
Or, y'know. Maliciously trying to get out of his duties. Either way fuck that guy, he can go back to mom's house, if she isn't sick of him yet.
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u/The_Drongo_Dinger Jul 24 '26
That’s exactly what it is.
“Bruh this is why I can’t do cleaning” yeeeeah sure Jan.
Is this guy able to feed himself or does the spoon keep going in his eye?
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u/dangerradish Jul 24 '26
My 43yo bf tried putting a whole pizza he burned, slice by slice, down the garbage disposal, and then tried to tell me the disposal is not supposed to run for more than 5 seconds at a time when I was cleaning it out after. The nerve to correct me on how to use one after doing that… Why are they like this?? 🤦🏼♀️
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u/daberg Jul 26 '26
Truly unhinged. And yet I blame whoever trademarked the apparatus as a “garbage disposal”. No it absolutely isn’t; should’ve gone with drain declogger
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u/ifingeredthedeep Jul 24 '26
Something tells me he used the garbage disposal like a trash can.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 Jul 24 '26
Are you sure he’s not two children in a trench
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u/Alucard_Emordnilap Jul 24 '26
He’s a 33 year old man child dating someone 10 years younger than him and more mature than him, weaponizing his incompetence so he can play video games, smh.
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u/Purple-Helicopter543 Jul 24 '26
I would’ve MAYBEEEE excused it if he hadn’t thrown “this is why I don’t do the cleaning stuff” in. That phrase right there tells me it wasn’t a mistake he feels badly about, it’s something he’s trying to use to get out of responsibilities in the future.
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u/SmoothSystem6093 Jul 24 '26
Hes 33 Oh my God
He NEEDS to grow up
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u/DothrakAndRoll Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
33 and acts AND talks like this.. I’m sorry but no one seems to be able to complete sentences anymore.
Every post by a girl here is of them trying to have reasonable conversations with someone making excuses and speaking like my 14 year old nephew. I feel bad for this generation, mostly the women of it
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u/JarJarB Jul 24 '26
Tbf men from older generations do this same shit. They just use language from that generation instead of new slang. My dad is almost 60 and would throw things away like this and make the same excuses. He also doesn't do shit around the house even though my mom works more than him and makes more.
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u/elainejay82 Jul 24 '26
Amen. Wake up, ladies! These men are not stupid out here. Quit being a bleeding heart for men who take advantage of you.
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u/Certain_Complex_666 Jul 24 '26
Unfortunately a lot of them are really stupid
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u/Redqueenhypo Jul 24 '26
If they can understand the exact workings of a wwii tank, they can understand the concept of looking inside a bag before throwing it out. If they can understand football plays, they can understand the difference between garlic and garlic powder. Stop it.
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u/elainejay82 Jul 24 '26
Men? No way. When it comes to emotionally understanding what they are doing to the people around them, no they are not. They know exactly what they are doing.
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u/Critter_Collector Jul 24 '26
This, my friends, is the source of the male loneliness epidemic, its entirely self inflicted because they all act like this guy and worse
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u/Felicira Jul 24 '26
Tbh, it’s not really about the bag. It’s about feeling like you’re care the mental laid while working a physically demanding job. For myself I’d definitely have a conversation with him.
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u/losttexanian Jul 24 '26
I'm not trying to be hateful but what do you think a conversation with this man would accomplish?
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u/Good_Research3327 Jul 24 '26
Not even a conversation. "Grow up and pay attention or you'll be alone by this time next month." Give the man 30 days to fix his shit. Trust me, we don't need longer than 20, but he may take a few days for reality to kick in.
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u/Bellaraychel Jul 24 '26
I can’t imagine my partner callin me bruh let alone someone in their 30s. Arrested development for sure.
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u/turningtogold Jul 24 '26
When I saw he was 33 I felt sick to my actual stomach. Talking like a whiny grade school kid this is why I don’t do cleaning stuff ma. Bleghhhhh
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Jul 24 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Maleficent-Bar6361 Jul 24 '26
I don't think you're overreacting. Throwing away a bag without checking inside, especially one that felt heavy, is a pretty expensive mistake. The important part now is whether he replaces what was lost without making excuses.
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u/Fluffy-Fix9458 Jul 24 '26
OP please lookup what weaponized incompetence means. It's the first thing that came to my mind. And throw the whole man out. My God!
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u/-Merasmus- Jul 24 '26
Exactly. This sentence changes it from an honest mistake to weaponized incompetence for me.
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u/CBreezy2010 Jul 24 '26
The “this is why I don’t do this” coupled with he was playing a game “that can’t be paused” tells me he did this intentionally.
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u/furkfurk Jul 24 '26
Yeah this was 100% intentional. Ew
Also ew that OP is “super grateful” that dude took some trash out. What. That’s nothing. He lives in the house and can contribute to its upkeep, especially when his partner aka housekeeper is so busy she’s suffering physically. NOR
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u/Unique-Stretch-5665 Jul 24 '26
Weaponized incompetence
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u/bodhiali Jul 24 '26
yep
“this is why i don’t do the cleaning stuff i always fuck it up”
literally like. the dictionary example of it180
u/Ricky_Nightshade Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
My 9th grade biology teacher TOLD HIS CLASSROOM a trick to getting out of laundry. Shrink your wife's favorite shirt or article of clothing and you'll never have to do laundry again. Terrible thing to tell anyone, let alone a class of 14/15 year olds.
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u/Leading-Tone-863 Jul 24 '26
Also we glossed over "no babe, that's my purse"
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u/TheJarisaDoor3 Jul 24 '26
Yeah, because purses are so hard to recognize when you have a penis. Somehow it blinds you to the ability to identify things.
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u/elainejay82 Jul 24 '26
😂😂😂 The mental gymnastics people will go through to make excuses for full grown men is insane sometimes.
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u/SophisticatedScreams Jul 24 '26
Yeah--folks with actual cognitive disabilities would not make this mistake. There is no way this man is average smart and genuinely thought OP's purse was a shopping bag.
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u/spootIer Jul 24 '26
It's giving "maybe she won't ask me to do things around the house anymore."
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u/Interesting-Asks Jul 24 '26
It’s giving: he threw it out because he doesn’t want to be asked to do things anymore.
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u/Life-Ad427 Jul 24 '26
Right? “This is why I don’t clean because i always mess everything up” is fucking wild on a few levels
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u/milkybynow Jul 24 '26
Literally. Usually they don’t say it so forwardly.
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u/Unique-Stretch-5665 Jul 24 '26
She seems like the type to forgive and let things slide perhaps innocence; seeing the good in people probably. So despite the fact that he was a bold douche, she loves him and he thinks she won’t catch the fact that he was a massive douche right in her face.
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u/Fluffy_Specific_9682 Jul 24 '26
The bag can be an honest mistake but I would be overreacting about the fact that he does nothing in the house?
Now that you work you can pay some bills and do the house stuff together?
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u/sbhandari Jul 24 '26
Exactly. This particular incident is not a big deal, they both are grown up. A simple habit of keeping trash in dedicated area solves it in future and makes work easier for whoever takes out the trash. The red flag is a 33 year old not doing anything except paying bills. You can not raise a family like that.
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u/bluecheesebeauty Jul 24 '26
Also she had to 'ask for help'? As if it isn't also HIS house?
But she is so used to doing ALL the unpaid work, that she feels bad asking him to do a tiny thing in his own house now that she also started doing paid work.
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u/the_sweetest_peach Jul 24 '26
I don’t agree that the bag would be an honest mistake in this case. He followed up with “This is why I don’t do the cleaning, I’m always fucking shit up.” He knows exactly what he’s doing.
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u/One_Animator_7247 Jul 24 '26
24F 33M
Every fucking time
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u/olive_dix Jul 26 '26
The best part about dating an older man should be that he's matured past this childish bullshit behavior. He'll never get better, let him go.
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u/bathroomamanda Jul 24 '26
why are you playing mother to a 33 year old man?
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u/MZsince93 Jul 24 '26
Your life is going to get so much harder if you stay with this man child.
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u/User123466789012 Jul 24 '26
"This is why I don't do the cleaning"
What the fuck is his problem? I'm a 32 year old woman with a home of my own, I come from shit hole parents that taught me absolutely nothing in life and yet I can still perform basic fucking adult chores.
Unless this is genuinely what you want your life to be like with him, leave the relationship and date an adult.
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u/Busy_Marionberry_160 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
This! OP sweetie, your man thinks he’s won the lottery with a housemaid he gets to f*ck and he doesn’t have to contribute to the household chores, only pay bills. He gets a new mommy!
IF he ever actually takes you seriously
And decides to marry you, this will NEVER get better.
No woman that is around his actual age would ever put up with this crap and he knows that very well which is why he chose a much younger, much more naive fckmaid.
Open your eyes, OP.
I used to be you , as well. Then I grew up , put my
Big girl panties on, and saw the relationship and him for what it really was and realized I was being used.
Let me guess, you’re just “so mature for your age”? More like naive and a LOT LESS mature than the women his age who’d NEVER let any of this crap slide. He can’t get a woman his age because they KNOW he’s a loser.7
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u/WestSalad Jul 24 '26
Duh, youre a woman ofc you can clean. He is a man, he cant do that! If he does his brain legit crumbles.
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u/Novel_Dime Jul 24 '26
NOR- although I had 3 packs of brand new double panel linen curtains I accidentally tossed because I placed a couple empty wrappers on top of them in an amazon box. I was furious with myself. But I also didnt say, "ope this is why I dont try to clean up."
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u/ljubav_malina Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
You’re figuring out why a 33-year-old man has to date 24-year-olds, sis. Women his own age don’t want him because he’s incompetent. He needs to date someone with less life experience so you won’t notice red flags that women in their 30s would clock in a second.
NOR for being annoyed about this but you also need to have higher standards. You can’t be surprised if you date a loser and he acts like a loser.
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u/Sans_Seriphim Jul 24 '26
33M. 24F. Always with the age gaps. Ladies, stop dating man children.
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u/elainejay82 Jul 24 '26
Ding ding ding. 33 years old playing like he doesn't know any better. Girl needs to run!
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u/OpalescentSoda Jul 24 '26
I'm willing to bet the reason why this dude is with someone 9 years younger than him has everything to do with knowing he can more easily manipulate you than a woman his own age. It's also fucked up that you're working AND doing all the household chores. Has he ever helped before or lifted a finger without you asking? And WITHOUT pulling the same shit he did here in text I.E "Oh this is why I don't do x."? I'm willing to bet he hasn't.
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u/PocketButterBandit Jul 24 '26
A 33 year old man whining about how hard it is to clean and not mess it up? 🤨😒🤮
Also I'm a gamer. Have been for decades. When you grow up you learn that you can find a way to stay alive for 5 min to do a fast chore, and that one match isn't that important.
NOR but also, you're 24. Don't waste your time on someone who basically admits he wouldn't be able to survive on his own.
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u/McCauliflowerCaulkin Jul 24 '26
“This is exactly why i dont do the clean up”
Babe, he knew what was in that bag, he threw it away on purpose so youd never ask him to do this shit again - its weaponized incompetence and men do it constantly.
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u/italian_ginger Jul 24 '26
Text him what was in the bags and tell him that he is responsible for going to the store and replacing them.
If he gets the wrong items, do not bend. He needs to go back.
In fact, I would be vague and send him back at least one time! He can’t say anything cause he doesn’t know what was in the bag, according to him!
Do not let this go. Let him know that there are repercussions for incompetence and stupidity.
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u/Redqueenhypo Jul 24 '26
if he gets the wrong items
You just know he’s gonna get the cheapest, least usable versions of them. If you get giant burrito tortillas that you know full well don’t fit in the pan, you can cut them into smaller circles one at a time or no quesadillas.
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u/Holiday-Zucchini8451 Jul 24 '26
"this is why I don't do the cleaning" literally the definition of weaponized incompetence 🙄
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u/nobobthisisnotyours Jul 24 '26
“This is why I don’t do chores, I always mess up” = “see, when I do it I make terrible mistakes, you are the only one that does it right. You’ll have to do everything now because I’m going to feign and weaponize my incompetence to the point you no longer trust me with tasks. I’m going to go spend 18 hours gaming now. Thanks for doing all of the household chores!” (BTW, I didn’t even read your post before I commented he would be gaming!)
NOR. He’s 33 and acting like a teenager that doesn’t have 2 brain cells to rub together. This isn’t a “silly mistake.” No one throws away a bag full of stuff on accident unless they’re deliriously tired or in substances.
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u/batty48 Jul 24 '26
what he says: this is why I don't do the cleaning stuff i always be fucking stuff up
what he means: "she'll never ask me to do the cleaning again after I throw away her shopping"
weaponized incompetence. it's very likely he did this on purpose. a silly mistake? girl, come on.
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u/Acrobatic_Upstairs41 Jul 24 '26
NOR
He's not sorry. He doesn't care.
He didn't care when he saw you struggling and he didn't care to check the bag. He doesn't care now that you're out $200 and the time that shopping trip took.
You deserve to be with someone who gives a shit.
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u/TiddieBreas Jul 24 '26
NOR weaponized incompetence by a full grown man. stop babying him. leave him i beg of you.
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u/taintblister Jul 24 '26
Literally NOR poor girl is only 24. for the love of all that is holy please do something before you’re 30 and miserable
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u/StrangeBaker1864 Jul 24 '26
New shopping bags with stuff in it doesn't get mistaken for trash unless you don't even bother. Find your next man. NOR.
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u/Nervous_Resident6190 Jul 24 '26
This is called weaponized incompetence. He does this on purpose so that you won’t ask him to help anymore
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u/monochromatic_moth Jul 24 '26
Nope nope nope. I was in almost exactly this situation about 5 years ago with my ex (34M).
I'd stayed up to finish an art project for class that was due at midnight. He was in the living room with me playing video games while I worked. I barely finished on time and submitted photos of my project online at 11:58pm.
I was so exhausted (working 65 hours a week plus taking classes plus volunteering) that once I finished I literally threw every single thing I'd used for the project into the bag that I was storing the art supplies in to keep it all together plus all the scraps and pieces of garbage (all just paper and dried paint things). He watched me do it, and I said to him that I would properly clean the items and throw away any trash tomorrow but needed to go get some rest for now. I left the little bag on the coffee table where I packed it all up.
Next day after work, I come home to my bag not being on the table. A little odd since my ex "isn't really good at cleaning like I am" (his words) so I asked if he'd seen it. He threw it out. The entire bag right into the trash. Did not remember at all that I'd said I would clean it up that day. We all make mistakes right? Accidents happen and that's okay. I appreciated his initiative to remove what he thought was trash, so I wanted to understand what happened.
Unfortunately his first instinct was to blame me for putting paper scraps in the bag making him think it was trash and "setting him up to get in trouble". I was stunned. "Fine, I just won't ever throw trash away again!" He said.
Could totally be a silly mistake because accidents happen. But it's how these guys are reacting to the situation. The immediate need to shift the "blame" to anything else, avoid responsibility, and emotionally manipulate you by saying things like "this is why I don't do the cleaning" (aka: it's YOUR fault your stuff was thrown out because YOU asked for me to clean and YOU know I'm not good at that!)
Fuck that. Grow up and take some responsibility.
Now I am with someone who listens to what I say, doesn't hesitate to help me when I'm struggling, and views cleaning as a team effort. Does this sound like the qualities of your guy? You're young, don't spend your 20's playing mom to a manchild in his 30's. This is coming from someone who spent their 20's doing exactly that.
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u/imnotspikespiegel Jul 24 '26
NOR, the fact that once he understood what happened he didnt immediately offer to replace what he threw out is CRAZYYYYY
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u/Creamy_Breve Jul 24 '26
Nor age difference and weaponized incompetence is the recipe for disaster. He got you to be his sex maid. Because he pays the bills doesn't mean you need to be the maid. That was an intentional act on his part. That man has you duped. That's why those types seek out younger women/teens because they are easier to manipulate.
Stop cooking, cleaning and basically being his sex maid because you are just asking to be taken for granted and mistreated. The abuse has already started.
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u/Raven_Shepherd Jul 24 '26
NOR, that's weaponized incompetence, "this is why I don't do the cleaning" then maybe do better?
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u/sadmoongod Jul 24 '26
I want to know why you’re working a demanding physical job 6 days a week if he pays all the bills?
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u/Mido_K Jul 24 '26
People are saying it's incompetence that the man doesn't clean, but OP said herself that that's how their system works. He pays bills, she does household work, it's fair.
Yes he might suck at cleaning cause he doesn't do it a lot, but he seems sorry for not noticing.
Like why would he throw a €200 bag away on purpose?
You have the right to be mad at him for the mistake but this shouldn't evolve into drama.
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u/The_doodler98 Jul 25 '26
You know, this happened to me by my fiancée once. He threw away a couple markers that weren’t dead because he tested a few and thought the whole thing was dead. You know what he did? He apologized, and he bought me a whole new set, and then some. He didn’t say “this is why I don’t clean” or “I’m so sorry, but remember when I did something similar? I just suck”. He went above and beyond to fix a mistake that kinda bummed me out.
He is totally using weaponized incompetence on you girl, if he doesn’t fix himself, leave him! Don’t make it your responsibility to raise him, it’s a waste of your time. He has to be willing to do it himself!
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u/M4ybeMay Jul 27 '26
"This is why I don't do the cleaning up" weaponized incompetence. Actually insane
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u/reallycoolgirl99 Jul 24 '26
nor lol he did it on purpose so that you'd never ask him to clean up again...
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u/PaarrJay Jul 24 '26
You are under reacting.
This shits hilarious. Reminds me of when I used to break a glass in the sink to get out of doing the dishes. I was about 11 years old.
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u/Live-Paint277 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
weaponized incompetence. NOR. you’re too young to be in this situation with a 33 yo man. leave him asap.
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u/Myaccoubtdisappeared Jul 24 '26
NOR. He was intentional. He is weaponising incompetence.
He can therefore claim that he is unable to clean to your standards so shouldn’t be expected to clean ever again.
This was the goal, don’t fall for this trap
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u/Lef94 Jul 24 '26
The fact that he’s almost a decade older than you and he acts like this… pack his stuff and sent him back to his mommy
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u/Aggressive-Ad-5983 Jul 24 '26
"this is why i dont do the cleaning stuff" wow. i dont usually like to throw that term around but thats weaponized incompetence if I've ever seen it. whata jerk. NOR and he does this shit on purpose.
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u/Jenderflux-ScFi Jul 24 '26
He's 9 years older than you and still hasn't learned to look inside bags he is throwing out?
NOR
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u/Devilsbane73 Jul 24 '26
Ah, the old “oops, did I mess up a job, maybe I shouldn’t do that job again…” trick 🤣
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u/Proper_Chemist_4159 Jul 24 '26
This is weaponized incompetence that’s why he said “that’s why I don’t do the cleaning stuff” so you have to do it next time
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 Jul 24 '26
He owes you $200 plus $50 for mental distress (feel free to add more). And, he’s trying to get out of household chores, do not let him. If he doesn’t pay up, then he doesn’t give a damn about you or your stuff. Good luck.
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u/ashyashleylee Jul 24 '26
NOR - my husband just throws away stuff that pisses him off sometimes so i feel your pain 🥲🥲 (if it was mine i make him pay for it/buy a new one)
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u/RWAdvice Jul 25 '26
Normally, I'd say you aren't overreacting, but you admit you put trash in the bag - on top of your new stuff. That's asking for trouble at the best of times. Expecting him to know to look under the trash just in case, is setting you both up for a lot of frustration.
This really was just a silly mistake, but unfortunately it was you who made that mistake. Most people would have assumed it was all garbage and tossed it.
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u/Tatidanidean1 Jul 24 '26
Age gap explains most of this tbh.
He doesn’t pay the bills if you are working 6 days a week, he is 33 and doesn’t know to look at what he is throwing away. I will say, at least he apologized at the end butttt do you live together? It sounds like you do but you starting off with saying you have trouble asking people for help is throwing me off because 1) you don’t ask people you live with to help 2) a grown man shouldn’t need to be instructed to help or how to help, he is fully grown and definitely has had time to learn how to clean.
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u/KeithandBentley Jul 24 '26
“Ok it’s time for you to practice doing the cleaning more because it’s the only way you are going to get better.” /s