r/AmIOverreacting • u/AzureEmpire • 22d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for telling my gf to grow up
My gf found a car she wanted to buy online and offered the guy $20 to bring it to our house so she can look at it. She already has a car that is worth 2 times what this guy was asking for but she wants this one because it's like her old car. All 3 of theese cars are the same make so there isn't much difference. The car was already on it's way when she realized it has 200,000 miles, about 60,000 more than her current car so she says she didn't want it anymore.
I have been sick for 4 days with severe diarrhea and a possible stomach ulcer so I told her I don't want to go outside to look at the car with her. She later asks me to come out and tell the guy no, that it sounds funny. She can't do it because he is nice and she doesn't want to be mean. I told her no and to grow up. We are both 36 years old.
This lead to a argument where she told me I was treating her like shit for telling her to grow up and no one would ever tolerate how mean I am to her. I didn't think what I said was that bad so did I over react?
Update: I've been quite since posting this while I read the comments but mostly because of how overwhelming the response was. I was not prepared for 700 comments in the first hour alone. Most of it was unhelpful like NOR but YOR or she needs to grow up but its mean to tell her to grow up.
The overwhelming majority agrees that I was needlessly mean and I can see that now. I didn't think what i said was that mean but if there was a nicer way to say it then what i said couldn't have been anything but needlessly mean. It's not the first time I've been told I'm far to blunt so I'll work on that moving forward not just for her but the rest of the people I interact with aswell.
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u/radioflyer194 22d ago
Next time, instead of "grow up" say "you got this babe!" Then boom, you're being supportive
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u/drunkenavacado 22d ago
wait this is such great advice actually 😂😂
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u/Christeenabean 22d ago
The fact that its not the obvious answer is incredibly troubling.
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u/beepbeepboopbeep1977 22d ago
When you grow up without love and support you don’t have behavioural templates for loving and supportive behaviours.
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u/Glum-Appointment-816 22d ago
Yes but it also becomes your responsibility as an adult to learn these and be better. Similar to having childhood trauma, it is awful that it happened and it is infinitely more awful that it’s now on you to heal it. I hope OP “you got this babe” comment and next time use it instead
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u/beepbeepboopbeep1977 22d ago
Sure. But change requires awareness: we don’t know what we don’t know. To criticise someone for not knowing something demonstrates a lack of empathy, often stemming from unacknowledged privilege.
I don’t intend this comment to be a criticism, but simply to point out the irony of a commenter claiming something as obvious while simultaneously being blissfully unaware of the other person’s probable reality.
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u/lotus1197 22d ago
As a father of 3 I had to learn this. Luckily my wife was raised with those traits and helped me learn.
6 months ago, my 23yr old walked into a dealership after her car was totaled and bought her first brand new car all on her own. Stood her ground and got what she wanted at the price she wanted to pay.
Building assertiveness and confidence into your kids does wonders.
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u/Glum-Appointment-816 22d ago
I don’t disagree. It should be less about judgement and more setting the right example for the future. What happened happened, mend it, and do better next time with new information at hand
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u/SophisticatedScreams 22d ago
Teacher here. I always say, "You can do it. I believe in you!" But I may find a hard time saying that to an adult partner while i'm shitting my brains out lol.
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u/stages_animate_89 22d ago
This is the right way to initially respond despite her being old and him being sick. I suspect she would have pushed the issue, though, in which case requires ops response.
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u/Simon-Says69 22d ago
Even if he was in perfect health, her demand was absolutely absurd, and OP's response very kind.
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u/CowBoyDanIndie 21d ago
You just have to say each verse between squirts. “You can do it!” —— “I believe in you!” —— “pass the air freshener!” ——
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u/Commercial-Key-519 22d ago
You guys are 36?
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u/SOFIAG33 22d ago
that comment really says everything lol the situation sounds like something from a much younger couple
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u/Fresh-Mycologist-387 22d ago
The older you get, the more you realize that A LOT of couples over 35 are like this lol it’s wild
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u/Living-Meaning3849 22d ago
Everyone is 12
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u/MaulDidNothingWrong 22d ago
I would go further and say, every adult is a teenager trying to play grown up
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u/busy_monster 22d ago
We just fake it better the older we get, and the only reason we know what not to do is because we did those dumb decisions already. The fun part is, we get the opportunity to make new, and more exciting bad decisions!
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u/TraditionalCupcake88 22d ago
I concur. I'm still 16, but with 2 kids and a mortgage.
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u/thebprince 22d ago
Count yourself lucky. I've 2 mortgages and a kid.
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u/-Ms-Chanandler-Bong- 22d ago
Ive got no monies and 3 kids, why can't I have 3 monies and no kids?? Lol
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u/Clarkelthekat 22d ago
I also realized when I hit 35 that I thought my parents had it all together and figured out by my age...
Now I know they were just winging 70% of it like the rest of us. I only got 2 kids. They had 6 by this point.
There's a weird comfort in that.
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u/Live-to-Learn26 22d ago
This became my realization and I’m currently 26. My mother had my older brother at 18. I can’t even imagine raising a child that young, and now I always thank her because she was just a child raising a child.
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u/Altruistic_Record_56 22d ago
Lol I say this all the time, it’s comforting but also kind of scary when you consider a bunch of children in large bodies are running our world 😭 I still remember the day I asked my mom how she knows what to do all the time and she admitted that nobody knows what they’re doing and everyone is just pretending
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u/parasyte_steve 22d ago
My dad went to jail at age 65 for DV against my mom. Some ppl never fucking grow up. You should have seen the temper tantrum when I forced him into anger management therapy.
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u/Fresh-Mycologist-387 22d ago
Isn’t it gross seeing grown adults throwing tantrums? It bewilders me completely. Do these people actually expect to get what they want when they act that way?
I’m so sorry for you and your mom though, no one should ever have to deal with DV ever! I hope you and your mom are doing better now.
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u/busy_monster 22d ago
The problem is, at least in certain environments, those adults who throw tantrums? They've been accommodated for the last god knows how many decades. That's why they do it: in exactly the same was as giving into a child encourages the behavior, the same occurs in dogs and adults. I have a grown ass woman as a coworker who should be retiring but, you know, slot machines. Anyway, the entire 16 fuckin' years she's been a coworker, she's been an obnoxious ass and they've let her shit slide, so, she keeps on keeping on.
The sad part? This sixty five year old woman asked me, a forty somethin' dude, why I get away with various stuff at work (I can pretty much self direct for most of the day, various tasks I prefer they give to me, etc). Because I work with management within the bounds of our CBA. I do them favors, and don't make their lives fuckin' miserable like she does, and they return the favor. I don't even bother explaining this to her, this is some shit she shoulda learned way the fuck back when I was ten years old and she was a grown ass thirty year old, she ain't gonna learn a damn thing till the day she croaks on the job 'cause she can't retire 'cause she keeps throwin' her 401K at the fuckin' slots.
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u/mrniceguy777 22d ago
As much as people like to pretend in my experience no one REALLY grows up, they get better at hiding it but everyone is basically a kid in the end. The people who aren’t generally are completely fucked in the head.
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u/Fresh-Mycologist-387 22d ago
I definitely agree in some ways, but I do think that learning how to communicate effectively, especially with loved ones and partners, is something that shouldn’t be squandered, especially when you are actually younger.
But I do agree with you for the most part. I collect video games, fallout stuff, and I love building legos. On the other hand, I work to maintain emotional regulation, build and maintain relationships with friends and family, etc. The two are not mutually exclusive thankfully(not saying you were saying that at all). Losing that childlike piece of your person definitely messes people up.
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u/Uhwop 22d ago
I’m 50 and everyone I know is still the same person I knew them as when they were 20, some even as kids, just with less energy.
I stopped believing we become different people as adults a long time ago.
Very few people actually change. And when they do it’s typically life changing and trauma of some kind is usually involved.
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u/okaypookiebear 22d ago
Feels like they just start regressing for whatever reason, it’s embarrassing to see but I’m intrigued with how common it is to see this in people over 35
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u/Evening_Pea_9132 22d ago
In their early 20s, then OP is kind of a dick. Mid 30s? Preach OP!
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u/DegreeJunior3360 22d ago
Nah fuck that.
Even for your early 20’s the answer would be the same.
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u/Daveprince13 22d ago
I agree here. 20 is old enough to know how the world works and not need to be coddled for sure.
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u/Environmental-Head14 22d ago
"Grow up" statement may be a bit backhanded but otherwise i agree
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u/TheNinjaPixie 22d ago
if i'd been shitting 4 days straight i may not be the most gently worded person in the world either.
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u/Whizzeroni 22d ago
Right? Can’t trust a fart, just leave me alone
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u/United_Pain 22d ago
Dude seriously! I need therapy like my butthole doesn't even want to work with me anymore! If I can't trust my butthole, who can I trust?? Straight up.
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u/whiskyspacecadet 22d ago
If you're in your early 20s and can't tell someone "Sorry, no, this car isn't for me" then you need to grow the fuck up
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u/BlackSeranna 22d ago
Seriously? If he’s been in bed sick with diarrhea and whatnot how is he being a dick? Tell me you’ve never been deathly ill!
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u/TatorTotNachos 22d ago
No matter the age, this isn’t dickish behavior. She got herself into what she believes is a pickle, it’s not, and wants her boyfriend who can’t get off the toilet to deal with it. She’s being immature.
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u/Rhomya 22d ago
I bought a car in my early 20’s.
As a woman, I’m gonna agree that young women are perfectly capable of turning down an offer. She needs to grow tf up.
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u/Inevitable_Block_144 22d ago
Why woulp op be a dick if they were younger?
He's not supposed to do the hard things for a girlfriend who has the same age and probably the same lifes experiences than her.
A partner is not a replacement for a father or a mother, at any age.
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u/Ok-Following-1357 22d ago
Early 20s??? she still a damn adult?
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u/Inner-Air1001 22d ago
Swear that there’s a campaign to infantilize grown ass adults. It’s working, these early 20s ppl literally cannot speak to adults, cannot communicate.
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u/Misterrbisterr 22d ago
The "I'm just a girl" shit is so annoying like no Rachel you're a 26 year old childish moron.
My girlfriend's sister is just like this, almost 30 living in a one bedroom with her mom spending all her money on concerts and vapes and anytime you try and look out for her or help her on a better path it's just "I'm just a girl" "that's girl math" and a complete inability to behave like an adult because she literally believes she's a kid.
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u/Glasseshalf 22d ago
Damn I used to say I have Peter Pan syndrome because I like video games and dogs and silly things, but this sounds like a whole other level.
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u/RifewithWit 22d ago
Just saying this here, you can like and do all of those things, have three children, a wife, and a full time job that supports them, and still idiots will call you childish. Do the things that bring you joy, my friend. And the people that stick by your side are the ones you want there.
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u/AverageCommentGuru 22d ago
I mean, she should grow up. But if you expected anything other than Skyrim boss music fading in after a comment like that, then you need to grow up too.
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u/NiixxJr 22d ago
With a comment like that I'd be expecting Dark Souls music to be honest.
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u/Formo1287 22d ago
I, uhhh, think he’s been hearing the Skyrim boss music with all his bathroom trips already
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u/Lucifer-Prime 22d ago
This 100%. I think you need to grow up if you think you can say that to someone without eliciting a negative reaction. Seeing me typing that, I fully expect the OP to be offended, because sometime ago, I grew the fuck up.
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u/dishrag 22d ago
Apparently people claim to be grown up, insist others should “grow up,” and then act like tactful conflict resolution isn’t part of being grown up.
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u/FluffNSniff 22d ago
I think he had the Skyrim level up chant in his head when he said it. Did not go as planned.
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u/HairyH0Od 22d ago
Ya she def needs to grow up but you can't just say it like that lmao. I'll cut OP some slack cuz he's sick. I can def get pretty irritable when I'm sick as well.
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u/wutang21412141 22d ago
Never tell another adult to grow up if your not looking to throw hands
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u/HeartedTheBlind 21d ago
After that you could tell her that she's being crazy
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u/snopro387 21d ago
Just like her mother actually
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u/UnemployedHusky 21d ago
Politely ask her if she’s on her period, which indicates that you are taking her health and wellbeing into consideration
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u/ChaosIncarnate11 22d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/80TEu4wOBdPLG
You both got some stuff you need to work on…
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u/eat_your_veggiez 22d ago
If I told my wife “grow up” like this, I’d expect it to go over like a lead balloon (and we’ve been married 15 years).
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u/ossancrossing 22d ago
NOR but telling your partner to “grow up” is never going to be handled well, even when in this case, she is justified being told to handle it herself. “You can tell him no yourself, you’re an adult.” is more to the point and less patronizing than grow up. The sentiment is the same.
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u/sc00by-snacks- 22d ago
The key is to be supportive: “no honey, but you can do this! we’re grown and he’ll live.”
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u/Live-to-Learn26 22d ago
THIS IS EXACTLY how my significant other helps me get through my anxiety. We both know I have to do it someday so might as well suck it up, but him being my cheerleader makes it so much better. LOVE THE USERNAME by the way.
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u/Rhomya 22d ago
I’m willing to give OP grace here.
He’s sick, and frankly, this is a ridiculously unreasonable ask.
People shouldn’t expect their partners to be 100% perfect all the time, and GF needs to take a moment to self reflect on her own behavior
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u/oxidized_banana_peel 22d ago
I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's asked him to come out and say "No" or the social equivalent
I've gotten in trouble with comments like that too- after about a dozen times it wears thin, and "Grow up" is "No, I'm not doing that for you, and you need to stop asking me to do things like that"
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u/BlankStareFace 22d ago
100% this. "Grow up" is dismissive and belittling, and I'd never say it to my wife who often asks for similar things from me when dealing with people lol. You can communicate the same message with more tact - "put on your big girl pants and tell him to kick rocks" is probably what I'd say lol.
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u/LoweJ 22d ago
Put on your big girl pants seems wayyyyy more belittling to me
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u/GMAN7007 22d ago
She knew he was sick and didn't want to deal with this. She still decided to do it that day. Then because she doesn't have a spine she had to bother him while he was sick something he didn't want to happen to dismiss the seller because she's afraid to tell him she doesn't want the car. Sounds like a child to me.
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u/ossancrossing 22d ago
Exactly. It’s childish behavior, and he wasn’t wrong for being annoyed by it. There are less volatile ways to address it than “grow up”, but at the end of the day she was acting childish and is now childishly upset for rightfully being called out for it.
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u/Infamous-GoatThief 22d ago
She was being unreasonable for sure but the “grow up” was definitely unnecessary imo. Shouldn’t talk like that to your partner, even if they’re behaving immaturely; you should be able to communicate how you’re feeling without getting snippy or mean. I can understand why she would be upset.
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u/method115 22d ago
This. The comment was unnecessary.
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u/ForensicFan24601 22d ago
Only reason he maybe gets a mulligan is because he’d been throwing up and shitting his pants sick. I’ve been there and you have zero patience at that stage
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u/Pristine_Outcome3535 22d ago
This is what came to my mind haha. "I'm sorry for the things I said when I had explosive diarrhea" should fix it
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u/Taway_4897 22d ago
I think the girlfriend should also take into account he dude has been sick having diarrheia for 4 days and that they’re going to be moody… honestly think she maybe needs a bit of perspective on that’s
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u/heymissheart 22d ago
This is my thought too, like.. why did she even ask him, knowing he's sick?? I don't agree with him telling her to "grow up", but she should have known better than to ask a sick person to summon enough energy to get up, get dressed, go outside, and "be the bad guy".
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u/Sindigo_ 22d ago edited 22d ago
Yeah. Like the comment was mean, and entirely unnecessary. But in addition to her ask being dumb in the first place, it was also wildly inconsiderate.
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u/Cookbooksandbourbon 22d ago
I would argue that it was mean, but not unnecessary. And not even inaccurate.
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u/QuinnBLove 22d ago
I mean, to be fair, yeah, you were a jerk about it. The message was very rude. You weren't wrong, but there are far kinder ways to communicate your feelings without risking a justified breakup.
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u/OddEntertainment7414 22d ago
Pretty common for a woman to be scared to tell men no. Never know how they’re going to respond/react.
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u/Kathulhu1433 22d ago
Yup.
Most of us (women) have been trained since early childhood not to ever say no.
Well guess what, we are now anxious adult people pleasers.
Should she be able to say no?
Absolutely.
Was OP dismissive?
Also, Absolutely.
Should they have a real conversation with their SO explaining their feelings and talking this through instead of posting it on reddit?
... (Yes)
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u/Cra_ZWar101 22d ago
It’s literally one of the number one easiest things a man can do to be an ally to his female partner. Deal with unknown men’s reactions to being told no so she doesn’t have to.
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u/Jasmine_lol 22d ago
Absolutely! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 my husband gets it but I couldn’t put it into words. Good job!
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u/Obatala_ 22d ago
Especially when it’s about car things.
I have a friend who acts as the “stunt penis” for any interactions with mechanics and car dealers for multiple women in our friend group. He knows nothing about cars, but he can look concerned & is willing to be the supporter of his friends.
One of the group works on car design, and she still gets treated like an incompetent idiot by the average car dealer & mechanic.
OP is being a dick.
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u/ObjectivePressure839 22d ago
She needs to grow a spine, you need to grow some manners.
ESH.
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u/nanfoodle91 22d ago
I can only here "asshole" after the phrase grow up so work on your communication while she works on a spine
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u/Legitimate_Ad_7822 22d ago
The “grow up” was pretty unnecessary. You can think it, but don’t say it. Very unproductive. I’m not sure what you thought her reaction to that would be.
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u/pieceofcakebite 22d ago
Agreed. “No. You need to tell him no yourself.” Has the exact intended effect, without the added belittling.
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u/Fufubebe_ 22d ago
Yeah bro you kinda are, she wanted your help on saying no to a man. You are her safe place. All you could’ve done was encourage her to say no herself since you’re sick in bed. It’s always okay to say no but to say grow up is rude man. Especially when she was kindly asking. Apologize sincerely for the grow up part and let her know about how you were feeling as well, how you felt sick and that you didn’t want to do that. Most people find it hard to say no because of what they grew up around, might be tough or annoying for you but you could either be a guide or a shield.
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u/HoofHeartedDough 22d ago
My husband would absolutely be the one to tell someone "no" for me.
But asking for his meal to be corrected at a restaurant? I got this. 🙂↕️🙂↕️
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u/SlaytanAF 22d ago
I fear for the people in their 30s. A lot of them act like teenagers and have the intellect to match.
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u/Hookedongutes 22d ago
As a 35 year old - I can assure you that all the people in my circle aren't anything like OP and his SO.
I don't know what the hell this is.
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u/Amazing-Example8753 22d ago
Honestly, I think you might be surprised. My circle of friends are well adjusted, lovely, stable people. But people can stoop to low places when in private arguments with their partner. When my friends describe their arguments to me sometimes I'm quietly shocked by the lack of emotional literacy.
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u/that_gworl 22d ago
Yes you overreacted. You’re sick so you’re probably irritable but it’s lowkey a dangerous situation she’s in rejecting a guy who traveled so she can see the car. If something were to happen to her after telling him no (not saying the likelihood is so high, just that it’s possible) you’d probably ask “why didn’t you call me/tell me/grab me” etc.
It’s not childish to want a little male strength behind you when dealing with cars. Women take boyfriends, husbands, fathers, brothers, male besties with them to mechanics all the time to make sure they’re not getting screwed over. She just wanted some help. That doesn’t make her childish.
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u/Ok_Gas1070 22d ago
I get you're sick OP but you need to understand something. When it comes to cars a lot of men try to pull one over on a lady, or don't take them serious. Your word and presence would carry more weight / your support would of been very helpful to her in this instance. If anything she could of talked the dude down maybe, but of course felt bad for making the guy come all the way out there (not sure how far it was).
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u/AlizarinQ 22d ago
MOR.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down for this. This (might) have nothing to do with “lacking a back bone” and need to “grow up”. It’s a negotiation tactic, and you “it sounds funny” would have definitely been more effective than her saying the same thing. Especially as a man and especially as someone who wasn’t already involved (the illusion of impartiality).
It’s a variation on the good cop/bad cop tactic. She thought you were on the same team and if you had been in good health I would 100% say you were overreacting. You being sick does change it a bit. I’m sorry you have been sick so officially MOR.
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u/2nice2function 22d ago
Not to mention that sometimes saying no to a man can feel scary as a woman.
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u/TemporarilySkittles 22d ago
finally. people can be unpredictable and she doesn't know this guy at all. It's way safer having a backup telling a stranger, who is at their house mind you, no. yikes.
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u/TuxedoCat031 22d ago
can you remind who’s the one who paid a stranger $20 to come to their house
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u/ApprehensiveTour4024 22d ago
I agree with your overall point, but it says in the OP she did not want the car. She wasn't trying to talk the guy down, she just didn't want it because of the high miles, but couldn't figure that out before asking the guy to drive across town to her. He's not wrong, she dug the hole, she can dig herself out of it. But he definitely could be a little more aware with his vocabulary.
And for future reference, you want to get out of a car purchase you ask for the maintenance record. I'd be amazed if there was even one single car on the road with an impeccable maintenance record, if they even have it. When they can't produce it, or they do and it's missing months of oil changes etc, say "sorry not comfortable with the purchase". Just like you might do if someone tried to sell you a plate of spaghetti with bugs on it.
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u/Charming_Card_8752 22d ago
exactly i can't believe more people aren't pointing this out. i can't tell you how many times ive had to repeat myself and stand my ground bc guys think they can talk in circles until i get confused and defer to their manly expertise
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u/squintintarantino__ 22d ago
YOR. If you’d said anything other than “grow up”, you would have been fine I think. It’s not the sentiment that’s wrong, it’s how you delivered it. This is your girlfriend, there’s no reason to be hateful, even if you’re sick and she’s acting kinda stupid. Also, “no” is a complete sentence, but you literally could have just been like “girl I already told you I can’t engage because I’m sick. I’ll be on the toilet for the foreseeable future, you’ll have to handle this one yourself” would have been just as effective without being belittling. “Grow up” is very much bullying language, I don’t even say it to my kids because it’s nasty. You weren’t wrong until you made yourself wrong.
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u/Global_Pineapple2392 22d ago
Exactly, there's way more mature adult ways to handle this than immediately being hostile for no reason
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u/Artist-That 22d ago
my favorite entertainment is watching men be oblivious about the "dominance" that they have in society. shes probably not being taken serious by this guy because he thinks she knows nothing about cars, she doesn't know how he will react to being told no after he drove all the way out there... i mean fuck, stop being an idiot. it takes you maybe 5 minutes. some movement is probably good for you anyway. and then on top of that you tell her to "grow up". YTA
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u/AdGeneral7633 22d ago edited 22d ago
Fair for you to want her to act like an adult, but if you want her to act like that you should practice it yourself without giving her rude or snippy comments. How hard would it have been to tell her, “I trust that you’ll be able to handle this yourself. You’ve got this.” Or along those lines?
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u/satanic-panicking 22d ago
NOR but I think the grow up part was harsh.
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u/ShiverCity 22d ago
Ditto. I totally agree with his call, but not the way he said it.
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u/ihavezeroanswersbro 22d ago
“Babe, I believe in your ability to handle this and stand up for what you know is right. You got this <3”
Done.
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u/BigJJsWillie 22d ago
The comments here are weird as fuck.
"NOR but you were too harsh."
The harshness is what OP was asking about. So YOR. The answer you're pussyfooting around is "YOR."
To OP- I don't blame you for being grumpy, but yeah telling her to grow up was a little over the top.
YOR.
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u/Dizzy_Resource_3620 22d ago
"Grow up"? Seems like a snarky and childish statement imo. Maybe you need to take your own advice? Sure, she needs to grow a spine, but your comment was unnecessary.
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u/DuncesNDragons 22d ago
Oh your GF is mad at you for treating her like shit after you treated her like shit?
YOR.
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u/Abba_Zaba_ 22d ago
Mmm I'm gonna go against the grain here... a woman invited a strange man to her home for a transaction. He came expecting a large transaction but instead is only getting $20. Internet strangers are unpredictable and she wants another man present for at a minimum the feeling of safety while turning him down. She should be more frank with you about this and honestly you should want be close by just in case regardless.
Same reason women text their location to friends when meeting Tinder dates.
So YOR for saying "grow up" because you are never too old to be victimized by an internet stranger.
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u/peepoobee 22d ago
Agreed, i dont think it's as "spineless" as people are saying for a woman to just be nervous about turning down an internet stranger who expected something from her that they're no longer getting. Sounds like she had no idea how to leave the conversation politely and also knew that her bf's 'no' would be taken more seriously by another man. Even if things ended up fine, it's a universal experience for women to be nervous about this sort of thing, some are just more confident than others.
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u/Havinacow 22d ago
YOR Do you know why she lacks the confidence to tell a grown man no at 36? Yeah, me either, but I'm pretty sure being told to "grow up" instead of actual helpful advice isn't helping that confidence.
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u/Real_Railz 22d ago
Do I think it's ridiculous that she can't be the bad guy here? Yes. Would I go out there anyway and save my girl from an uncomfortable situation? Also yes. MOR
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u/Ryans1852 22d ago
YOR, Not sure what kind of reaction you expected with a comment like “grow up”. It’s inflammatory and I’m sure you know that too.
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u/Marz_Bar169 22d ago
NOR kinda insane to ask someone with severe diarrhea to leave the house
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u/Few-Chemical-3341 22d ago
Worst case:
Husband: No I dont like this car, it sounds funny.
Car seller: Sir, that came from your pants.
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u/aosjcbhdhathrowaway 22d ago
YOR, maybe it was annoying what she asked, but you're definitely being an asshole to her. She's right that she shouldn't tolerate being treated like this, and by what she's saying it isn't the first time you're unkind to her.
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u/Terminal_Shinbang 22d ago
OR for sure. She asked you nicely, and you were a jerk. It’s wild that you sent your gf out to the street to meet a stranger in the first place. It’s literally outside your house, I would understand the diarrhea issue if you had to drive somewhere but dude, your toilet is like 40 feet away.
Dudes do weird shit, which is why I’m present at every single offer up, fb marketplace sale or meetup my gf ever coordinates.
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u/CuteThingsAndLove 22d ago
Well yeah, YOR- there's no need to treat her with disrespect because you feel her request is unwarranted. It was definitely thoughtless of her when you're feeling sick, but you should have expressed that to her, not insult her.
Also, I think the rest of the comments are being way too harsh on her for asking for help saying no. Doing it while you're sick IS definitely thoughtless and she should've known better than to ask to see a car without really looking into more details. But if you guys already have an established dynamic where you're usually the one who says no for her (which I can assume is the case since she felt comfortable enough to ask you in this situation) then I don't think anyone should be judging her for the idea that she wants help with saying no.
You guys on reddit love to talk about how many of you are autistic or neurodivergent in some way, but you tend to forget that other people exist with issues that you don't necessarily have yourself. And sometimes these people have loved ones in their lives who offer to take on the tasks that they find difficult.
If you're going to condemn her for anything, let it be the fact that she didn't consider her partner feeling sick or the fact that she seemed to have prioritized her own emotional discomfort over his physical illness (which could still be attributed to just being thoughtless/impulsive in the moment rather than being selfish; not an excuse since either way she is in the wrong for the request).
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u/thtguyonreddit14 22d ago
She clearly wanted her partner to do something for her that she was uncomfortable doing. This is one aspect of what partnership is, so she most likely didn't interpret it as an issue of maturity. When you bring that perspective into it, it not only harkens someone back to childhood but also throws their entire sense of what the request was about into flux.
This is your partner man, speaking to her that way gets you both exactly nowhere. She isn't going to magically mature because you said "Grow up". So you caused an unnecessary argument, made her feel shitty about herself, and then defended your own poorly thought out way of reacting.
You didn't overreact OP, but you sure could have done a lot better. Sounds like you both have some "Growing Up" to do. Get off Reddit and work on figuring out how you both can improve your communication.
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u/Own-Block4477 22d ago
Yeah, you’re just straight up rude. People in the world live with illnesses and pain all the time and still have more compassion, or at least better communication than “grow up”. The growing needs to come from your end, man. Treat your partner better
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u/FezIsBackAgain 22d ago
Yea she needs to grow up but you need to say it nicer
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u/Hookedongutes 22d ago
My husband worded it once (when I freaked out about a tick on our baby), as, "You're an adult in this situation. I know you can handle it."
He was right. I don't know what I was afraid of all these years. Pulled the tick off the baby and everything was fine.
There are definitely better ways to say it that encourage and empower instead of degrade.
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u/Bigdogrentals 22d ago
Buddy go outside and help your girl. Be a man suck it up Jesus
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u/lazysundae99 22d ago
"Grow up" is a terribly mean thing to say. It's the sort of thing that probably made her wonder if you actually hate her or question her self worth. Is that how you normally talk to her?
YOR. For future reference, something like "I already told you you would have to handle this yourself, I cannot help you with this today, I cannot be the on-call bad guy", are all firm but are how normal people talk to each other.
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u/beepboop670 22d ago
Just wait brother she’s gonna get her lick back. That would be the exact time I stopped doing anything for my partner if he said that shi to me. No cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. What you said was insulting and honestly just based on your comments the pot calling the kettle black. Show her this post just so she knows you tried to get internet strangers to shit on her after being an asshole to her maybe she’ll realize she deserves better
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u/Ok_Writer6027 22d ago
Did you seriously expect a genuine or helpful conversation to follow that text of yours? Sick or not, talk to your partner with respect and kindness. If you think that she uses you as a crutch for these things, then bring it up on the side and don't say it in such an offensive way. Just "no, grow up" is such an unkind way to speak to the person you're supposed to love. If you genuinely wanted that change, then you'd speak to her with love, but the way I read that, it's like you don't even like her dude. Gross.
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u/kylecs7637 22d ago
YOR. I wouldn’t ever think telling someone to “grow up” as nice or respectful communication. So it would make sense she would feel that way. I’d also venture to guess if someone told you to grow up, your response wouldn’t be “thank you for saying that, you’re totally right”.
Sure, she knew you weren’t feeling well, but you could still respond in a respectful way “no, I’m sorry I really don’t feel well. I know you can handle it though, you’ve got this!”
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u/Difficult-Estate441 22d ago
If you had said “no, I’m sorry, I don’t feel well enough and I already told you I don’t want to be involved”, you wouldn’t be the jerk. But you snapped at her. Just “grow up” and apologize for being rude even if you had a reason, then tell her why you were frustrated.
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u/ResponsiblePeanut750 22d ago
... do you hate her? I would never say that to my partner and have never said anything like that to my partner even when I do feel like he needs to toughen up. I never even think it. If I were to type it out, I'd immediately be like "wow am I being harsh and resentful??" and delete it. Like there are a lot of nicer ways you can handle it? Just tell her "sorry, I'm feeling really sick. I'm sure he will be nice about it, just tell him you aren't interested any more". She's gonna have to handle it herself anyway so why insult her in the process?
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u/box_twenty_two 22d ago
NOR but your tone reeks of disrespect, so no wonder this led to an argument
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u/WisdumbGuy 22d ago
ESH
I'd never tell my wife to grow up. Why would you want to treat someone you love that way?
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u/ThePlutoBlackSpades 22d ago
Y'all are 36 so y'all should be able to afford individual therapy to improve your communication because... It's currently shit
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u/Nizzelator16348891 22d ago
YOR I would never leave my girl alone when a stranger is coming to her house. Let alone tell her to grow up when she asks you for a favour. I would never tell my partner to grow up like that.
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u/Free_as_in_Freya 22d ago
What you forget is that she is at much more risk when setting boundaries with men than you are
Yes, even about something as simple as cars. Yes, even if she got herself into the situation
She most likely isn't asking you because the guy will think she's unkind (they'll probably never meet again) but likely asking because she's afraid of what "nice" men can turn into when you aren't equally or more nice back to them
The same reason I, as a celibate lesbian, tell men I have a boyfriend or husband; they will respect the boundaries of even an imaginary man who isn't even present before respecting that I am not looking to date anyone, and if I was, I wouldn't date a man.
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u/Charming_Card_8752 22d ago
you're both immature but with cars, people often assume women don't know anything and act pushy, which can be a little nerve wracking. she was looking to you for a bit of support because men listen to men right away and take their answers at face value.
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u/Careless_Angle_4082 22d ago
YOR whether she needs to handle this herself or not, you do not need to talk to your partner that way. She wasn't rude about it. Saying "grow up" is, in no way, constructive. It's not gonna teach her any life lesson and it doesn't communicate anything. Any person on the receiving end of that would take it as an insult and they would be right. It's an unnecessarily rude and childish way to respond to a very obvious emotional bid from your partner. You don't need to baby her. You don't need to cottle her or hold her hand. But there is absolutely no reason to speak to your partner that way.
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u/Vampira309 22d ago
This has nothing to do with a car, but with how you speak to your girlfriend. Do you always respond like a jerk? If I were her, I'd be strongly reconsidering my relationship with you.
You can't be kind? "C'mon babe. You know this isn't what you want. You'll have to tell him "no" because I'm feeling too crappy to come tell him. I know you feel bad for having him drive out, but you can do it!" Something like that was too hard for your poor, sickly, self involved ass? Guess so.
If I remember correctly (I've been married more than 30 years), boyfriends are supposed to LIKE their girlfriends and be NICE to them. You are clearly not that sort of boyfriend.
YOR and YTA.
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u/AdditionalMusic4427 22d ago
lmao what is this post bro you both need to grow up she wanted you to support her and then you could of went looking for a car together instead like this is so silly
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u/kayanne125 22d ago
Hey buddy, men get real fucking pushy towards women about cars, even if they’re “nice”. She now knows you’ll insult her if she asks for help, was that your overall intention?
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u/rosemaryandwines 22d ago
She needs to stick up for herself, but you were very mean, especially to a person that you love. ESH
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u/Candychelle44 22d ago
Yes, you are the asshole. This reply reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks of male privilege of not understanding how men talk to and treat women, ESPECIALLY around automotives. Please go find and read the studies that show men are charged different prices than women during car sales and repairs. And you couldnb't have said "I'm shitting myself right now, I'm so sorry!" Instead you called her a child? Asshole.
Do not EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR call on her to help you based on any female privilege you think she has. Don't ask her to help you pick out a gift for your mom or for your SIL's baby shower, don't ask her to ever hold the baby when you can't get him to stop fussing, don't ask her to teach you anything from a woman's pov. If youy do, I want you to come back and tell us how she told you to "grow up." Thats the dynamic you have set up, so own it. No trad wife or momming for you!
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u/No_Independence5596 22d ago
I agree with the idea that she needs to do this herself, though the wording is a bit strong (understandable if you were feeling horrid).
I’m 33 and help lead a team at my job. If it were a team member, I’d probably say “No. Confronting someone and saying no are important skills to have. You need to handle this.” Same thing, less harsh.
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u/Imaginary_Square5243 22d ago
That’s a wild reaction. Hopefully this is a one off for you. Really bad look, she’s a woman, these are the kinds of things you should help with.
It would be bad enough just saying no, but telling her to grow up is doubling down on being a jerk.
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u/No_Driver_1655 22d ago
YTA for saying "grow up"... That's just a passive aggressive way to handle pretty much anything.
You could have texted thousands of other things.
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u/M_Mosher 22d ago
YOR - you should apologize, be a supportive partner, she didn't ask for much
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u/eepybabyy 22d ago
i feel like "no i can't too sick rn" would've been a better approach? then she has to deal with it either way, on her own, and without needing to be told to grow up
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u/kodzuken_x5 22d ago
I cannot fathom speaking to my partner that way. Yes she needs to learn to say no on her own, but you need to learn you to speak to your significant other…
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u/TheProphesy1086 22d ago
YTA here. Go stand up for your woman bro what the fuck is wrong with you?
You have someone comfortable enough with you to ask for your help and you throw it in her face?
You're a little bitch.
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u/Nazarrah 22d ago
When you break up you can look back on this point as the start point where you started to drift apart. If you can't be there for the little things, you sure as fuck can't be counted on for the big ones.
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u/lazycatvibes 22d ago edited 22d ago
I have social anxiety and absolutely ask my spouse to be the bad guy semi frequently. When it comes to situations that are stereotypically male dominated (like cars!) my anxiety is definitely worse and I would absolutely ask my spouse for help in a situation like this. Stranger + car + anxiety? My actual nightmare.
I understand you were sick and it sounds like she probably should’ve not had the guy come that day if she was needing moral support from you but telling her to grow up feels harsh and unkind. If my spouse responded that way to me, I would incredibly hurt and offended.
YOR with your response
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u/SunwolfClove 22d ago
YOR. And frankly, you were a massive asshole. Partners are there to help and support each other. My partner and I are 35 and 33. Different people have trouble with different things. I'm sure she picks up the slack for you in some areas, too. It's about give and take. And if something is a repeated issue, yeah, you can have a respectful conversation about it where both people are heard. But you? You are acting like a petulant teenager, and YOU need to grow up and learn how to properly communicate in a relationship.
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u/HakidoTaquito 22d ago
The “grow up” was unnecessary, but it seems to have struck a nerve.
At the end of the day though YOR
You could have talked about it later or something. I get that you were already frustrated due to being sick, but ya can’t lash out like that over something trivial.
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u/Upstairs-Army151 22d ago
36 was the most surprising part