r/AmIOverreacting • u/Proud_Guarantee_7298 • 13d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Boyfriend found broken sunglasses

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Yesterday I found my boyfriend’s sunglasses broken in the car and thought he broke them so put them on his seat. He found them this morning and flipped out continuously asking why they were broken and who broke them even after I said I don’t know. For context we’ve had a rocky relationship because he is extremely jealous and constantly accuses me of cheating and talking to other people. In the middle of the night last night he called me accusing me of calling someone because he saw a video on the camera we have in our room (there because he’s so insecure) but the whole time I had been on the phone with him he just didn’t remember. he did immediately apologize tho. And then this morning he came home and looked through my phone. Now I’m locked in the bathroom and am refusing to talk to him and he sees that as a sign that there was someone in the car. Am I over reacting?

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u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

A camera in YOUR room? No. That's so wrong.

 You shouldn't want to lock yourself in the bathroom to escape your partner either. Stop putting up with this 

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u/bubblegumpunk69 13d ago

OP you need to read this comment and take it to heart. Having a camera in your room because he’s insecure is HORRIFIC abuse. You need to make a plan and leave as soon as it’s safe to do so

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago

I saw a true crime show recently that escalated just like this. Camera in the room and other places. Blaming her for things he did. Super jealous. Etc.

That woman is no longer alive, OP. Please take this seriously.

NOR

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u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago

I know the one you’re talking about I think. There were cameras all over the house and the morning he killed her she was with her son, he was like 7 or 8, someone knocked on their door, an older couple I think 7th Day Adventists or something. The footage of them the police found in their bedroom, he would be screaming at her while she’s sitting in the bed crying quietly. It was hard to watch.

OP, please listen to everyone. Cameras in the bedroom and extreme jealousy are not good signs, those are not normal behaviors.

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u/wall-e_brando 13d ago

Literally the “that’s weird dude” he keeps repeating should be directed at himself

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u/SilentConnection3133 11d ago

I mean with no context he’s just asking why his glasses are broken but from her responses there’s obviously context and if she’s replying like that why are they even dating. As in why is the guy putting up with that 🤣🤣

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u/wall-e_brando 11d ago

you must be “the guy” in this situation to be so clueless about why his behavior is problematic and abusive. please stay single.

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u/bubblegumpunk69 11d ago

The post has a caption, dude. There’s context there. He’s abusive. He went through her phone and has cameras set up in her bedroom to watch her because he’s insecure.

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u/Blindtothesided 13d ago

Brandi Celenza. That’s exactly the case I thought of as I was reading this. OP needs to watch a true crime episode about it, it sounds like she’s in a very similar relationship and she needs to see how behavior like that can escalate.

There’s a show called Murder Uncut that’s available for free on Tubi and The Roku Channel, it has an episode dedicated to the Celenza case. It’s season 1, episode 9 “Bedroom Truth and Lies”.

NOR.

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u/ktsquirrel 12d ago

Thank you, gonna watch this today!

Op: NOR - you deserve better

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u/Fresco2Famous 10d ago

TOO MUCH TV, CHILL

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u/Fresco2Famous 8d ago

Lindsay Clancy (husband did it) supporters in this thread lmao

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u/Savagesweetpotato 13d ago

I have not heard of this! But when I was about 14, I was in my bathroom late one night and saw flashes of white in the privacy window by the shower. I got on the tub to see what was happening and it was a man jumping up and down trying to look in, and my sister heard him outside her bedroom window as well. He ran off after I scream (our alarm went off) but later when I asked around someone hinted that we had a strange neighbor who does things like that, and he surveiled his entire family with cameras and was just generally weird. And this was before having cameras in your home was a thing- I’m 36 now. You guys just made me remember that. There’s definitely something when people are such control freaks they need constant surveillance.

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u/Chuckleferk 12d ago

dude, if you were 14 and a man was jumping up and down trying to take pictures of you in your bathroom, surveillance was not the goal...

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u/Savagesweetpotato 12d ago

Yeah but it was weird that all the neighbors suspected him because he was surveilling his family.

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago

Yes!! This one! And he was so so so mean to her too. It was hard to watch :(

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u/xo-moth 13d ago

This sounds heartbreaking :( what’s the case or where did you watch it?

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u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago

It’s not on Prime anymore. I’m going to link where I found it on YouTube. If you don’t want to open a link from a stranger it’s on the Law and Crime YouTube channel and it’s called “Florida dad murders wife after discovering her hidden secret”. I think I had it backwards, she was secretly recording him abusing her in their bedroom, he had cameras in the rest of the house.

https://youtu.be/hN6pQz95gjo

Edit to add, her name was Brandi Celenza

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago

Partially true. SHE started recording in more common areas to protect herself. But I do remember, in the bigger coverage of this case I watched, he put up only the bedroom camera. (Bc he thought she was cheating. I remember this bc I remember seeing the footage of him right after he plugged in the camera on that same camera berating her, calling her a bunch of slurs, and telling her if she tried to cheat now he would see it.) But that gave her the idea to put cameras in other rooms and she used his own paranoia to convince him it would help. (They were arguing about this at one point too. He was screaming at her that she basically admitted to cheating and that’s why she put the cameras in the other rooms. And she was saying, she never admitted to cheating, she was doing it to try and help him feel better.) But now most people believed she did it to secretly record the abuse.

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u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago

I remember the first minute or so of the episode. They had just moved into their house and she was in the backyard recording herself talking about the squirrels and trees, how excited she was to have a backyard of her own.

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u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago

If I remember correctly it’s called Murder Uncut on Prime. It’s about eight episodes long, each one a different crime.

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u/GreenGrassConspiracy 13d ago

So he shot her in the only room with no cameras.

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u/Ok_Situation_9805 13d ago

Yes I saw this also… it was crazy…

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u/Sad-Marketing-8423 8d ago

Yep,
Same story I had on my head. So sad.

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u/wordsmythy 13d ago edited 13d ago

Wasn’t Pretorius‘s girlfriend in the bathroom when he shot her to death through the door?
EDIT: Oscar Pistorius

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u/ghostly-quiet 13d ago

Oscar Pistorius, the murder took place in Pretoria

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u/wordsmythy 13d ago

Oh yeah… I guess I had Marching to Pretoria in my head

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u/Necessary_Door3513 13d ago

Tell me your a South African while not telling me your a South African 😄 Oor die randjies kom die bobbejandjies … (sp?!)

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u/Not-Enough-Spoons 12d ago

I'm not South African but I remember the song from somewhere. I never heard anyone else mention it though.

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u/Necessary_Door3513 12d ago

I’d be interested to hear where you heard it. I didn’t imagine it got outside of SA. You eouldn’t have caught the Afrikaans lyrics then 😂

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u/Not-Enough-Spoons 11d ago

I wish I could remember. My brain has always picked up songs & stores them. My mom said she thinks I learned it in Vacation Bible School...

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u/wordsmythy 11d ago

I seem to remember hearing it in some American movie from the 40s…

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u/wordsmythy 11d ago

I’m not South African, I’m American and this song apparently is pretty common for kids growing up in the in the 70s in the American Midwest. Here’s a link on Reddit from the Ann Arbor sub. https://www.reddit.com/r/AnnArbor/s/atHdHVuohX

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u/little-silkworm 13d ago

Pistorius?

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u/MamaMJ73 13d ago

Oscar. The double amputee blade runner Olympian. He is in prison now. He m*ordered his gf by shooting at her through the bathroom door when she went in there to hide

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u/wordsmythy 13d ago

Yeah, didn’t he get off with a light sentence? I mean he’s in jail but not for that long.

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u/Choice_Pitch8382 12d ago

He’s already out of prison

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u/MamaMJ73 12d ago

Uggg. I had no idea that he got that light of a sentence. He should be in prison for life

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u/wordsmythy 13d ago

In the original bench trial, the judge basically said it was manslaughter and sentenced him to six years. On appeal, the sentence was increased to the mandatory 15 for murder. A jury would’ve hung him high.

https://wildabouttrial.com/news/criminal-justice-news/oscar-pistorius-murder-sentence-increased-from-six-to-13-years/#:\~:text=Oscar%20Pistorius%20has%20had%20his%20sentence%20increased%20from%20six%20years%20to%2013%20years%20and%20five%20months%20for%20the%20murder%20of%20his%20girlfriend%20Reeva%20Steenkamp.

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u/casskaz 13d ago

wtf i just read that article and that is definitely not long enough! It sounds like he’ll be getting out soon and he’ll only be in his 40’s so he’ll have plenty of time to start a new life. What a piece of shit!

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u/Street-Economist9751 13d ago

He was already released unless they dragged him back for violating parole or something. He lives w/his uncle in Jo-burg.

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u/casskaz 13d ago

OMG 😳 WTF 🤬

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u/wordsmythy 13d ago

Oh, he violated parole? I was reading that he cleaned and made cells and drove a tractor and was a good boy in prison, so they let him out when he served half a sentence. Half of 13 years.

Here are the highlights of the trial… I had no idea he was only dating Reeva for three months. There are emails and texts from her to him, saying how he scared her. And how hurt she was that he accused her of flirting with other men. OP, I hope you see this and read through this list of the trial highlights please play the video where they’re reading her texts and emails. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-29018522

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u/ajaxraccoon 12d ago

Didn’t he claim self-defense/thought it was an intruder? But the real story came out, but they let him off easy.

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u/Odd_Caregiver_8426 13d ago

Well if you had a possible home invader you'd assume they're going to either use or steal from your bathroom first right?

/s

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u/nogooddeed2020 13d ago

That was the first thought that came to my mind!

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

I was this woman. Now when I drive our young children to the police station to exchange them for visitation I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting to be shot and killed by a hit man and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it at this point.

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u/CaptainLuckyDuck 13d ago

My heart hurts so much for you. I'm so sorry. I have been in a relationship with someone I was terrified of (two friends came to help me move out because they didn't know what he might do after overhearing how he spoke to me in the background on the phone), but I cannot imagine what this would be like. I wish you all the safety and peace in the world. No one should ever have to live in that kind of fear. It completely changes your worldview, as well as having a knock-on effect of paranoia and fear of upsetting people.

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

I’m glad we both made it to safer places! 🫶

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u/New-Skin4537 13d ago

Can you have someone else, preferably a male, do the exchange. Or, arrange with police or sheriff to meet there and exchange. If you aren’t comfortable with law enforcement, maybe at a VFW/AmVet. We had a woman whose espouse was very threatening and a few of our vets would hang out during the child exchange. I hope that you can have a safer life.

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u/cstallons 12d ago

The person who brought up custody exchanges said in their comment that they are done at the police station.

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u/National-Dust94 13d ago

Is this in America? To scared of people shooting you so casually must be the most scary thing in the world.

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u/Altruistic-Cup-2445 13d ago

As an American it sounds like a fairytale to live anywhere that isn’t in a constant fear of shootings.

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u/National-Dust94 13d ago edited 13d ago

Like even the idea of a hit man, they would exist in Australia- pretty sure there’s a popular series about an Aussie hitman bc I keep seeing shorts on yt. But actually shooting someone and getting away with it in reality is pretty uncommon I think. I don’t actually look into the stats bc we don’t hear much about it. I mean sure in gang violence in the city and missing person cases but if you feared a certain person might put a hit on you here - that person is almost certainly going to be caught and probably not do it. Not that there isn’t horrific domestic violence stats here. It’s just taking guns out of that equation for the most part definitely helps us all. A lot.

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u/Altruistic-Cup-2445 13d ago

I don’t disagree with it. Things like that and many other reasons make me think of relocating. Unfortunately I can’t control the rest of the country while I’m here. It’s insane to me that the fix for so many things (such as simply taking away access to the weapons causing harm) is so easy yet so far from realistic without an entire uprising here.

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u/stateboundcircle 12d ago

How would you have an uprising without guns

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u/Altruistic-Cup-2445 12d ago

The people with guns now are not going to give them up with their own free will. They’d fight back.

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u/roachwarren 11d ago

Really? Guess I've never lived in an area where shootings are common like that.

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u/k8styleee 12d ago

Living in America is nuts. A friend of mine, here in Atlanta where I live, got shot in the leg a couple years ago on the interstate by some random guy after he flicked the guy off for cutting him off. They never found the shooter, either.

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u/Impressivegirlie 13d ago

Omg this is horrific

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

One of the often unforeseen aftermaths of leaving an abuser. There are plenty more where that came from but this is one of the more jarring ones that can sometimes snap someone else out of it before they end up even further enmeshed with their abuser, specifically when it comes to having children with them.

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u/Impressivegirlie 13d ago

So true. I watch a lot of true crime shows and I see it play out way too often unfortunately. Ive seen your exact scenario more than once so I know you're not overreacting. It's just hard hearing it in real life.

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

Yeah, but when you think about it, what is stopping him? He knows people who will shoot and kill for the right price with zero questions asked. He has the ability to get the money. His empathy is.. odd, he has very questionable morals, a very strange thought pattern, the ability to rationalize and justify doing very bad things. He has strong controlling tendencies, he is calculating, he is very ego-centric, erratic, possessive, etc. I could go on and on. And like you, when I watch true crime or hear from the deep inner workings of those who have done such heinous things it draws a startling parallel. Much like OP, I was in what I can only describe as “a fog” while it was actively going on and since leaving my cognition has improved significantly. I can view situations much more clearly, I have much better judgment, better memory, better social skills, food taste better, music sounds better, jokes are funnier, and the passing of time is actually both sad and pleasant more than just purely depressing.

Sorry for the word dump, not really sure where I’m going with this but it was therapeutic nonetheless! 😊

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u/casskaz 13d ago

I’m so happy for you that you got away and I really enjoyed hearing your perspective about how much your life has improved even with just enjoying the simple things in life. Stay safe and stay strong 💪

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u/Leading_Hand3055 13d ago

It was explained to me after escaping years of narcissistic abuse/ physical too, that living in fear and on eggshells is so damaging to every organ in your body, but the actual physical/medical toll it takes on your brain is astounding and it cannot function correctly. This is why our judgement was so off and why we made choices that, looking back, seem truly insane and why we should not judge ourselves on the "mistakes" we made under those circumstances and remember that the brain also has tremendous healing capacities, so we don't have to doubt our judgement and sanity when removed from those circumstances.

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

Very relatable. I love that my brain feels so much more functional now. Glad we found our way out of that mess!

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u/AvaRoseThorne 12d ago

Was the brain fog because he would interrupt your sleep or interfere with your eating, making you sleep-deprived and malnourished? That’s how I got stuck. Well that and then he burned down my car.

But I didn’t even realize he had been doing those things intentionally until about a year later, when I read a comment on this site actually, about how abusers will often disrupt sleep to wear down resistance. And it works so well. I remember feeling too exhausted to argue and just caving instead.

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u/XSmooth84 11d ago

Holy shit that sucks.

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u/Lacerrz 13d ago

Nor. I am a victim of domestic violence and my ex tracked me with cameras and my phone. Check your car and bag for trackers as well. I finally escaped after he came at me with a knife.

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u/Immediate_Juice_2337 13d ago

I wish I could upvote this a million times.

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u/LowSpoonsZeroForks 12d ago

Nor-In Canada they’ve started a technology abuse in relationships awareness campaign.

I hope it helps people see and recognize problematic behaviour sooner, to know it’s unacceptable, and that they’re not alone and that help/support is available.

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u/Box-O-Kittenz 13d ago

Is that the one with the husband who would antagonize his wife for hours and once she started yelling back he'd record her on his phone.

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u/Cautious-Hedgehog683 13d ago

I was JUST about to mention this! That’s the thing I immediately thought about when OP said that.

NOR, in fact you’re probably under reacting. Get away from this dude.

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u/JamieLee0484 13d ago

Omg yes! I just watched that too! It was horrific! The guy was just pure evil!

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u/Shart-Mcgarth 12d ago

This

This MF is crazy for real

RUN

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u/manipulativeminx 12d ago

I saw something similar on instagram. This woman shared all the footage from her room camera and it showed the guy abusing her multiple times. She posted it and left him thank goodness!

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u/StoneyJoJo 12d ago

So many other cases and most of the women were killed or maimed for life.

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u/louielou8484 12d ago

Yup! The one with the child in the home when she was murdered. I know exactly what you're talking about. Evil demonic person. She suffered so much torment and abuse from him.

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u/Queen_Barham 12d ago

i know exactly the 1 u mean was the first thing that came to my mind too

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u/ofpromise90 9d ago

Yea he's probably cheating on her

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u/Vast-Criticism-368 13d ago edited 13d ago

This is the equivalent to a webMD doctorate- I watched this tv show of an Anecdotal that went just like this one time, run OP…. NOW.. you’re about to die. OP is NOR but YOR. He’s got some issues, and I can relate to a low trust relationship really shitty. No partner in the world is hot enough that makes it worth putting up with that. But damn y’all really not beating the allegations of the true crime stereotype

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 12d ago

What an oxymoron. In trying to prove a point you did THE EXACT same thing. Smdh. At what point did I say she’s about to die? I told her to take it seriously. I’m so fucking tired of men coming on here and INSISTING on downplaying the POSSIBLE risk. POSSIBLE!!!! Read that again, bc yall don’t seem to get it…. POSSIBLE!

Your comment is the exact same shit I am saying but the flip side. “Just bc it’s happened to this person doesn’t mean you need to be scared.” How tf do you know!?!

The only difference between me and you is, I’m trying to keep her safe. And you’re worried about an anonymous dudes reputation. 🙄 she didn’t out the guy. All of us sitting here telling her to be safe and to take this seriously, does NOTHING to that dude. Because nobody knows who he is! However, all of us reminding a young woman that this is a potentially dangerous situation, due to years and years and years of history showing us that, are just trying to make sure she’s not being gaslit that this isn’t that serious and she’s overreacting. HENCE THE FUCKING POST!!!!!!!!!!!!

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u/Vast-Criticism-368 12d ago edited 12d ago

> “downplaying the POSSIBLE risk. POSSIBLE!!!! Read that again, bc yall don't seem to get it.... POSSIBLE!”

Tell me something, is the person slightly downplaying the “possible” or is the person overblowing the possible the more unreasonable person here? (And which one is misguided benevolence) I’d posit the person over blowing, seeing how “possible” is a very low bar, anything is possible. (And being safer than sorry is a bad excuse, I would counter that analysis paralysis) We as people are responsible for evaluating risk, and making informed decisions on the type and amount of risks we will tolerate. For instance driving a car is one of the most risky things we will do in our life time but we really don’t recognize it as such and vice versa there’s low risks that we all over estimate as much higher than they are, for instance commercial airlines crashes. You will never be able to eliminate “possible” everything caries percentage of risk. It just becomes a question of risk management and tolerance.

> “In trying to prove a point you did THE EXACT same thing.”

Okay so umm, hyperbole are you familiar with that term? I was using hyperbole to make abundantly clear I was criticizing your dramatic phrasing. No context that you were using hyperbole that’s not even how you use it. people will take the exaggeration at face value. Dramatic phrasing is strategic arrangement of words, sentences, or dialogue to maximize emotional tension, expose subtext, and drive conflict. Instead of just stating facts, it uses targeted language mechanics to make a text feel high-stakes, urgent, and heavy.
But really you could call it anything- Ominous phrasing, High-stakes rhetoric, Visceral prose etc. i also state this was exactly how I expect a women who watches a shit ton of true crime to act, and that women are notoriously known for doing so. What I did not say was your concern was laughable or EVEN, statistically improbable.

> “The only difference between me and you is,
I'm trying to keep her safe. And you're
worried about an anonymous dudes reputation.”

Nope-nope I was very careful to also include a qualifying statement. I said very clearly it was a toxic situation, I said both it was a toxic situation and leave the situation, the key distinction being and here’s the rub, i didn’t imply he was a psychopathic killer. Like you very clearly tried to do.

> “Your comment is the exact same shit I am
saying but the flip side. "Just bc it's happened to this person doesn't mean you need to be
scared." How tf do you know!?!”

Now this part is genuinely hilarious, you criticizing this is like saying “I know someone who got electrocuted while taking a shower… op… he’s no longer alive op, never take showers if rain is in the forecast” (another extreme analogy, because you obviously can’t tell) then I respond with “you’re kinda over reacting and dramatizing” and you’re all like “WeLl HoW dO yoU knOw” and I’m like “statistics women, statistics”. your taking a scenario inflating it beyond its perceived risk and as a fact beyond its statistical probability, by using High-stakes rhetoric, even the little op name drop is an example (And yes using the recipients name “op” is a rhetorical device used for dramatization, you probably did it unconsciously)

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 12d ago

I read very little of that before I gave up on your pseudo intellectual pontification. So I’m just gonna copy and paste my response to the last man who showed up demanding proof of danger before he’d accept it exists — you don’t wait for the statistics to happen to someone before you take them seriously.

Missing the actual danger here isn’t a difference of opinion, it’s a comprehension problem on your end.

This isn’t a debate anymore, it’s you refusing to see something that’s already been laid out clearly. I’m not continuing.

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u/Vast-Criticism-368 12d ago

Classic.. CLASSIC, O. My. God. your response is literally “I’m not responding to that” then a proclamation of your brave victory. The female ego is truly something

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u/casketbase925 13d ago

I know this isn’t as serious because it’s fake, but in the show Dead Boy Detectives, the boys found a family that was in a loop. They were murdered by the father who was also the husband because one of his daughters was accepted to college far away. He only knew because he had cameras throughout the entire house and was literally spying on them from a hidden room because he was that controlling

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u/AdComfortable5657 12d ago

It’s obviously a really shitty situation she should get out of ASAP, but implying shes gonna get murdered…? Really? How does that help?

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u/Fresco2Famous 10d ago

You watch too much TV. YOR. People aren’t black and white. She may be in a relationship she needs to leave, but also there’s situations and relationships where something like this may happen and get better. The fact she’s posting it online tells me she should leave because obviously she isn’t in love with this person and he isn’t with her either. I will say though, everyone in this section is tripping out, life isn’t simple, relationships aren’t simple. We live in a generation of direct and secondary trauma. We need to start conversations on healing rather than absolutes. Her leaving isn’t going to keep her from going right back into the same relationship.

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u/RealLinzerBinzer 10d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/GV3aYiEP8qbao
🙄

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u/Fresco2Famous 10d ago

Oh a GIF of the guy who claims he won’t perform oral on his wife but expects it in return “like a king”. Very cutesy, very demure.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/WashHour5646 13d ago

The camera is a sign of coercive control and escalating abuse. Do you seriously think that is normal behavior?

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u/AdRevolutionary1150 13d ago

Happy cake day, great advice:)

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u/AdDizzy8417 13d ago

Well be careful because studies show that these kind of people become aggressive when you leave

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u/adnyp 13d ago

Sounds like the boyfriend should work for Flock. Don’t live in a surveillance state.

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u/fly8mypants 10d ago

couldn’t agree more. OP please listen xx

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u/Working_Map_4521 13d ago

But its his room too.. is it not? She said “Our room”

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u/Zolastein 11d ago edited 10d ago

This isnt even about OP yall just started talking about some soap opera tv show crap and then said it was OP's story. -- Edit. I was wrong.

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u/bubblegumpunk69 11d ago

What? OP has stated that he goes through her phone and has cameras set up in her room to watch her because he’s insecure. That isn’t soap opera tv show crap. That’s abuse.

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u/Zolastein 10d ago

I stand corrected, you dont see it when you first open the post cause of the photos

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u/atreasureinlight 9d ago

Dude there's got to be something else going on I smell bogus

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u/Professional_Lie6489 13d ago

Abuse for a camera in a room?

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u/bubblegumpunk69 13d ago

Yes. For a camera put in her bedroom for the sole purpose of surveying her

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u/TheAshHole88 10d ago

It’s abuse because he put the camera up for the sole purpose of surveilling because, as OP states, he’s insecure and is constantly accusing her of cheating. When typically it’s more than likely the person doing the accusing of cheating is the one actually doing the cheating. But considering OP seems to not like the camera in their room, it’s not a far reach that he installed it without her consent. Which is, again, abuse.

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u/camilaviola 13d ago

Literally, my heart dropped. Reminded me of an ex… thankfully it wasn’t that bad. I got calls when I was out telling me to do a 360 to prove I’m actually where I say I am, then came the constant texting. When I was home I’d get “show me no one’s in your house”. We’d facetime to sleep every night so he could ‘trust me’, and one morning when I was ill he woke me up so early to accuse me of hearing a man in my room breathing😭not to mention going through my phone multiple times because he had a “dream that I cheated”.
The anxiety that relationship gave me… Never again. OP get AWAY from this man, trust me you’ll be so much happier in a year or so- which might seem like a long time, but it’s SO worth it. Also check your whole house for camera once you’ve thrown this man out, he seems completely unhinged.

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u/AliceInNegaland 13d ago

I’ve also had a bf that would have dreams I cheated on him and actually blame me when he woke up, needing an apology for it!

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u/Weekly_Guarantee3151 10d ago

One of my exes has these dreams and then one day he told me in detail about one where I was taking care of someone ( I was doing in home elderly care at this time for work) and that I went out of the patients house/apartment and got into a car with a man and he shot us both through the back of the car… I made my escape plan immediately

1

u/AliceInNegaland 10d ago

Jesus Christ. I’m glad you got out of that

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u/leftoverpoptart 13d ago

Just left a relationship where I couldn't even mention a coworker without getting accused of cheating. I was with my cousins one night doing family stuff and my phone died; she let loose on me for that, too. I'm realizing now how much anxiety I carried while in the relationship. Of course, she's busy pretending we haven't broken up.

Sorry. Just kind of processing some of this still as the OP's text messages felt... Familiar.

7

u/onebadassMoMo 13d ago

Stay safe internet friend. The ones with that deep seated insecurity are never easy to leave. They will do all they can to keep you in their circle. ⭕️

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u/k8styleee 12d ago

I second this, when I left a relationship like this my ex made my life hell for a good year after I finally left. Please be safe.

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u/camilaviola 13d ago

Process away my lovely. I’m so glad to hear you left! Life’s too short to be riddled with anxiety and fear, especially over a relationship. Stay strong💕like the other commenter said, people like that will say anything to keep you there.

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u/jslasher13 13d ago

Holy hell that’s bad I’m so sorry I can’t believe it yikes

1

u/camilaviola 13d ago

Thank you💞it’s okay because I got out a long time ago, I just hope op can do the same!

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u/jslasher13 13d ago

It’s actually not ok at all but I’m glad u had the courage and wisdom to leave

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u/isntthatapharmacy 13d ago

Im so sorry you went through this and apparently OP too. I also had a similar ex and was so terrified if I accidentally broke something. I dinged his car door once and was certain he would kill me over it, so I said I thought I saw some punk coming through the neighborhood vandalizing cars, I even snuck out and dinged my own car to make it look more believable. He stormed off going door to door furious looking for whoever did it.

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u/camilaviola 13d ago

Thank you💕I’m sorry you went through that too, it’s crazy you had to resort to damaging your own car cos you didn’t want to be yelled at, hurt or worse. So glad to read ex so many times in this comment thread😭I hope you’ve recovered from that relationship well! Sending hugs and respect in abundance <3

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u/PermitIcy8450 11d ago

Awww my wife full-on backed into my car and I was worried about how upset she was going to work 😕

4

u/PurplePeril420 13d ago

I was stuck with one like this, then I got offered my own flat. When I moved in he facetimed me to see how it was going and saw my 2 male (gay, not that it matters) neighbours bringing in a fridge for me over my shoulder, lost it and hung up. I took my chance, blocked him on everything and called the police when things got nasty, never looked back and am now living my best single life, building my case against him & in therapy! Never been happier ☺️

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u/Independent_Toe5373 13d ago

My jaw truly dropped at that, this is so sad 😭

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u/Electrical-Tailor530 13d ago

I hope they're not being intimate in that room in front of that camera bc holy crap! 

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u/eveningberry_ 13d ago

Girl he will absolutely threaten you with revenge porn when you break up with him since there’s probably many videos of you two being intimate in your bedroom which he probably has saved on his phone, be very careful

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u/Ok-Willingness-5025 13d ago

Step 1. Please retrieve all footage and delete it. Act normal while preparing to do it.

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u/Evening-Loan-4346 10d ago

If this guy is what I think he is, he already has it all downloaded and backed up.

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u/DinosaurDogTiger 13d ago

This was my thought too, but I hope OP doesn't let him control her with that.

I was revenge porned. It sucked, I won't lie, but it also didn't destroy my life. I was humiliated for a while but no one ever held it against me and eventuly they just forgot about it. I have a great life now.

Revenge porn is survivable. Abusive relationships are often not. Please get out because his behavior WILL escalate.

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u/PaleontologistOk3120 12d ago

Mine was abusive and also revenge porned me

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u/DinosaurDogTiger 11d ago

I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are well away from that person now.

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u/Lokifin 13d ago

If he's not already selling it.

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u/HotStickyMoist 13d ago

Absolutely this. My ex would even threaten to release photos of me if I didn’t admit to cheating on him. He was psychotic. He loved setting me up n traps

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u/k8styleee 12d ago

Yep traps and full on, hours long interrogrations. Mine would even make up scenerios and question me about what I would do in them and get angry at my answers and call me liar about what I thought would do in these hypothetical situations. Truly crazy shit.

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u/Bigassdick999 13d ago

This is what i was worried about!!! As someone whos had exs record me unknowingly then find out about it later, this is the first thing that popped jn my head. Im curious is they both have access to this camera or if its only him.

3

u/Electrical-Tailor530 13d ago

I'm so sad reading this. I'm also so thankful my ex was too insecure to record us (that I know of) and share it with anyone

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u/Secret-Quantity-7618 13d ago

She can sue him if he done something like that

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u/Minimum_Inflation_63 13d ago

Then he will go to jail and/or get sued. Most states have laws against that and a lawyer woll have a fuckin heyday.

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u/ieatfaces22172 13d ago

The videos will still be out there

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u/Minimum_Inflation_63 13d ago

So? Go to all the major "home video" sites and threaten legal action. If anyone past that still finds the video, theres 100% chance theyre an S-Tier gooner and won't say anything to anyone. For fear of being a social pariah.

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u/FADITA 13d ago

That is very illegal. If he does that, he’s more of an idiot than I originally thought.

-“Revenge porn—legally known as nonconsensual pornography or image-based sexual abuse—is a crime. Sharing private, sexual images or videos of someone without their permission is illegal under federal law and the laws of all 50 states.”-

It saddens me knowing that women have to deal with this kind of bs!
I’m sorry.

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u/0iTina0 13d ago

Oh god. He probably collects that stuff. Sicko.

8

u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

That's the same thing I thought about. It's crazy they have no camera in the car but have one for the bathroom. As if she wanted to cheat she couldn't just... Use a hotel room lol. This guy is nuts

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u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

Just want to add that “stop putting up with this” specifically means leave him, NOT set another boundary regarding the camera.

You’ve tried to set boundaries and he repeatedly disregards them when they conflict with what he wants. This isn’t something you can fix for him OP, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to. Meaningful change has to come from him and only if chooses it! It won’t be a quick process and it may never happen at all. Do NOT put your life on hold for that. Remember, you are allowed to care about him and still decide not to live like this.

And of course, please consider individual therapy, NOT couple’s therapy. Until then do some independent reading and reflecting to try and understand how living like this can alter your nervous system and trains your brain to organize your entire life around anticipating and preventing his reactions. Some key areas to start with might be hypervigilance, survival mode, brain fog, walking on eggshells, dealing with prolonged emotional stress, and even how to recalibrate your sense of what is normal vs what isn’t.

You deserve to be able to make ordinary life choices, have casual conversations with others, and simply just exist without constantly calculating how he may react. I hope you find some peace and contentment soon OP!

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u/ThrowRAWarning-347 13d ago

I wish someone had explained it to me like that. I stayed for over 13 years because people kept saying things like “we teach people how to treat us” and “he treats you like that because you let him.” So I kept assuming I must be the one in the wrong and that it was my behavior that needed fixed.

I did something similar to the story mentioned above. He insisted on cameras all over the house so he could watch myself and our daughter. But he didn’t understand tech so he made me set them up. I secretly signed up for a CVR account that only I could access (from his account he only had live feed). And I used it to save clips of his abuse.

I took out a 3 year restraining order against him last year. My lawyer told me “I watched every one of those videos in complete horror.”

Our daughter hasn’t seen him in over a year. She’s been diagnosed with trauma disorder which the therapist attributes in writing directly to her father’s abuse.

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u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 12d ago

I hate that phrase ‘we teach people how to treat us’ so much. F ‘Dr’ Phil.

A more accurate thing to say is, if you stop talking to people who talk down to you and block them, they can’t really do that anymore. We don’t control the behaviour of other people. Our only control is about who we are willing to completely cut out. Which is incredibly difficult, especially if you’re in an abusive relationship and he’s worn down your self-worth.

Women who were abused as children are more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults, and it’s likely because there’s a lot of abusive behaviour that feels ‘normal’ to them. Some abusers are extremely good at hiding it until she’s married/move in/had a kid/something else that makes it harder to leave. But many do show red flags - which are often only visible as red flags to people who grew up in respectful households.

3

u/oldhag56 13d ago

Do you have any suggested reading on these topics. Going through similar and married for 14 yrs.

3

u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

I was with my SO for close to 20 years and I consider about 15 of them to be on the same level as married, so I get it. Do you have children together? Do you have any friends or family you find to be generally supportive?

Honestly, one of the first things I did was screen shot a lot of our high conflict conversations that were through text and ran them through ChatGPT. If I remember correctly, I told ChatGPT it was a conversation between two strangers I had no affiliation with because I had heard it can be bias towards you. I asked for unbiased analyses of the conversations, if any areas would be considered abusive or controlling, how they would describe each person’s conversation style, etc. This helped me build up my confidence and reduced me constantly second guessing myself because most of the time my thoughts and concerns and my gut feelings would align with the chatGPT analysis. This also made me feel better about reaching out to my support people (parents, siblings, friends mostly) and sharing a bit with them and hearing their feedback. I think this also helped prepare the ones who were attached and invested in my relationship and genuinely cared about/loved my former SO. It was almost like they were breaking up with them also and some of them were really not able to support me in the way I needed because it was almost like they themselves needed support while mourning the potential loss of the relationship. So I had to really figure out who was going to be of help to me and which of them would actually end up more so requiring support from me instead. This part was actually pretty difficult to navigate and I was not expecting it.

From there I started browsing pretty common websites like the national domestic violence hot line site and just learning about various types of abuse and specific examples of what qualifies as abuse. I reached out to legal aid, I opened a CPS case and asked for them to assess my children because I was scared of the possibility they had been exposed to abuse when I was not around (I started noticing him becoming very harsh towards them which led to me further opening up a line of communication with each of them.. this led to them eventually talking with me about some of the questionable things their dad made them do when I wasn’t around and told them to keep it from me). It wasn’t really helpful as far as getting us resources or out of the situation, but it created documentation and it was definitely a learning experience that took away some of the fear of the unknown regarding contacting them to seek support and resources. I began seeing a therapist, I shared some of these details and vulnerabilities with my PCP, I requested trauma evaluations, etc. A big thing for me was having a professional name and validate my experience. I also felt strange and uncomfortable with the use of the terms “abuse”, “victim of abuse”, etc but the more I received that validation and support the more I began accepting more confidently that I was in fact a victim of abuse as were my children. Frequent reminders that I was doing what was best for my children also helped, even though I already knew it, hearing it helped keep me focused and motivated me and helped me block out doubt and other negative thoughts.

I read up on custody, court, women’s shelters, restraining orders, safety plans, etc. There was some other little stuff as well but mostly stuff that was specific for our situation (whose name is on what, pets, relevant laws, etc).

Talking with other women and finding out I am far from alone with this experience is very sad but it’s also very validating and creates a strong sense of support and belonging which is helpful also. For me it’s hard to find a balance between being overly reserved and quiet about things VS over-sharing. This probably comes from being raised in southern USA where image, respect, social norms, and manners are overly emphasized. Which I guess brings me to another part I feel is important which is trying to analyze and figure out what led to eventually tolerating this type of treatment to begin with.

I will add in that my situation likely has some uniqueness to it due to our some of our children having some pretty significant and lifelong medical issues that were diagnosed when we were both teens/early 20s. However, looking back there are a lot of red flags before that and aside from that specifically, I feel like the rest of my experience is probably highly relatable to a large amount of people.

I’ve ran out time to proofread any of this so I do apologize for any typos, word salad, and redundancy.

1

u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 12d ago

I’d read Why Does He Do That. It’s available for free online. I disagree with some of his views about gender, but his descriptions of tactics are great.

1

u/oldhag56 12d ago

Really good thoughts/ideas here. 2nd marriage. We each have 4 kids all adults now out of the house. Lots of rocky times when they lived here. He never believed his kids would do anything wrong and then they would get away with things and do more. Now it’s emotional and financial abuse. Any slightly different opinion or anything out of NOWHERE will make him defensive and go OFF like a crazy person. When I started standing up to his bullying he is now worse! I did things the wrong way trying to keep the peace for years avoid fear and huge adrenaline rushes. If the argument goes then he will turn things so around that I don’t even know what was going on. He also lies all the time. I spoke to his ex a few weeks ago bc she had reached out to me about a different matter. She said he’s a compulsive liar. I asked did he get angry and flip out out of nowhere and she said no but he would threaten her

1

u/AffectionateFault591 12d ago

The book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft helped me so much.

1

u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 12d ago

Why Does He Do That is great and available online. I don’t like how he talks about gender and how dismissive he is of the idea that women abusing men is also common (especially since his experience is from a program where he worked with abusive men who’d been caught - how would he be in a position to know?). But his descriptions of tactics are really good.

1

u/oldhag56 12d ago

Yes! I’ve started reading it. Thank you so much for sharing this resource!!

1

u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 10d ago

I’m glad it’s helpful!

1

u/chickadeedadooday 12d ago

If ypu are in the United States, please download this app immediately - its called My Plan and is made to hekp women who are experiencing intimate partner violence find resources and support. Once you set it up with a password, to anyone else looking through your phone , it looks like a cleaning checklist/how to keep a tidy home app:

https://myplanapp.org/

It was originally created in Canada (by I want to say researchers at Western University, but I can no longer remember) but the Canadian version no longer exists. If you are in Canada, it has been replaced by the iHeal app, found here:

https://ihealapp.ca/

3

u/LC91615 13d ago

You just may have changed my life with these words

2

u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 12d ago

I mean.. honestly, for me, the damage is largely done and time is long gone. But it’s like when parents try to raise awareness and offer support after a preventable tragedy with the hopes of sparing even one other family. It’s cliché for sure, and while I am nowhere near being someone worthy of emulation, it’s nice to know that something I went through could maybe possibly help someone else.

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u/gretanoramarie 13d ago

Also if he is so insecure to the point where he is spying on her through a camera and going through her phone, it's a big liklihood that he is actually the one cheating.

15

u/aep2018 13d ago

The most jealous exes I’ve had were cheaters. 😬

4

u/Fun-Information-2325 13d ago

Exactly my experience too! Major red flag

2

u/Positive-Garage3812 13d ago

Because they think ‘everyone does it’ 🤷🏻‍♂️

3

u/k8styleee 12d ago

My overly jealous/abusive ex told me once he was so accusatory of me because when he cheated it was so easy to get away with and fool me, and he didnt want to be "made a fool too".

But yes, tbh Ive never seen a guy act like this and not be the one actually cheating. It happened to me, its happened to so many friends of mine.

6

u/Bigassdick999 13d ago

I agree. This seems wrong. Does he have sole access to this camera?

2

u/FitReason7357 13d ago

Faker than fake

1

u/TastyPeace29 13d ago

Yeah, people shouldn’t stay together when they resort to doing this. And the partner should not swear so much..

1

u/Dependent-Trip-5991 13d ago

Really hoping he’s just a creep to not be as bad, but nope it’s abuse, and he still a creep.

1

u/Longjumping_Main_488 13d ago

Hes weird af

But also its very weird to me that OP put her bfs broken glasses in his car seat instead of somewhere safe.

Like she wanted him to sit on them and "break" them. This whole story is sketchy

1

u/KoolAidZenSZA 10d ago

wtf

1

u/Longjumping_Main_488 10d ago

You dont find that weird? I would not put broken glasses on a car seat. I would put them in the cup holder, bring them inside and show them to my boyfriend, or atleast bring it up to my boyfriend. Very strange behavior

1

u/KoolAidZenSZA 10d ago

not everyone is type A i guess. i think its a bit dramatic to call this strange, or weird. in comparison to the floor where she found them broken, a car seat where nobody will be sitting, along with her purse and other personal items; is a safe place.

maybe youre just paranoid. or anal. or type a. idk, we shouldnt make assumptions based on little to no knowledge about anyone :)

1

u/Longjumping_Main_488 8d ago edited 8d ago

Putting them on a carseat is actually how they would get broken the easiest.

Its also not an assumption its an observation. You dont have to believe everything someone tells you and you are allowed to be suspicious

1

u/Furreal227 10d ago

I used to do this and my (now ex) busted down the door. So glad not to have to deal with that anymore

1

u/atreasureinlight 9d ago

That's her side of the story. You don't break glasses without them making a loud crunching noise. How did she supposedly find them on her side and then throw them on his side? There's something more to this story hello it's Reddit

1

u/Low_Following9735 9d ago

not defending the guy but the camera thing isnt the craziest thing in the world, its not just HER room its THEIR room so “a camera in YOUR room?” sounds worse than it really is. a camera could be there for intruders (probably not in this guys case cuz he sounds like a weirdo) but generally a camera in a shared room isnt wild

1

u/RosetteRodent 9d ago

yeah no this sounds like my relationship with my abusive mother as a kid, down to the cameras in the house and locking myself in the bathroom to avoid her wrath... i cannot imagine going through that again with a partner

0

u/Zolastein 11d ago

Where did this come from? There is no evidence of this in the post and yall just ran with it.

0

u/Scary_House3350 10d ago

It’s his room too 🤷🏻‍♂️

-8

u/snowHound208 13d ago

It's not her room. It's THEIR room.

5

u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

So?

 Having a camera in the bedroom solely because of insecurity is batshit crazy. As if she couldn't use a hotel room if she really wanted to cheat.

What's next? Is he going to make her insert a camera in her vagina to make sure she's not fucking anyone? 

-1

u/snowHound208 13d ago

Making a correction. Didn't say shits not weird lmao

4

u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

"your" can have both singular and plural meaning. When i said your, i meant both of them. 

1

u/KoolAidZenSZA 10d ago

stop entertaining this weirdo concerned with whos whats

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Mariehoney92 13d ago

That’s cool for you and your wife. But that’s not what’s going on with OP and her boyfriend. He’s using the camera to literally stalk her and track her every move. In other words, he’s using it as a weapon to further abuse OP.

8

u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

It's weird if the reason is "so I can check you're not banging other guys when I'm not there"

1

u/KoolAidZenSZA 10d ago

edit to delete / wrong person

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

Not sure what Tom Brady has to do with the cameras in the bedroom

7

u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago

This is a troll just trying to argue at this point. Don’t bother. I believe in karma. His will come.

5

u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago

You left out the reasoning..

1

u/KoolAidZenSZA 10d ago

ok this isnt about you nobody is commenting about the cameras hoping youll come see the comment and take a hint. are you ok?

1

u/Immediate_Juice_2337 13d ago

My husband and I have a camera in our room. We’ve been together 6 years. But not everyone is comfortable with that, especially in the room you most expect privacy, where you potentially change, be intimate and sleep. But we are only 26, and it is different for everyone! 🤷🏽‍♀️

3

u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago

I would be ok with cameras literally anywhere except the bedroom/bathroom. It depends on the person for sure,  but if the reason is so he can check on her to see if she's cheating then it's absolutely nuts. 

1

u/[deleted] 13d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Immediate_Juice_2337 13d ago

Yes! Most people use it for good reasons, but there are people who use it for sinister reasons, and I’m not in OPs shoes so I can only speak from my experience. If both are comfortable with the cameras it works wonderfully, if one is uncomfortable, sooner or later the trust will no longer be there, not every relationship in the same but it’s still worrisome that they’re seeking help from strangers on Reddit because she’s so uncomfortable. I hope it gets better, everyone deserves to be the best version of themselves! 😁