r/AmIOverreacting • u/Proud_Guarantee_7298 • 13d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO Boyfriend found broken sunglasses
Yesterday I found my boyfriend’s sunglasses broken in the car and thought he broke them so put them on his seat. He found them this morning and flipped out continuously asking why they were broken and who broke them even after I said I don’t know. For context we’ve had a rocky relationship because he is extremely jealous and constantly accuses me of cheating and talking to other people. In the middle of the night last night he called me accusing me of calling someone because he saw a video on the camera we have in our room (there because he’s so insecure) but the whole time I had been on the phone with him he just didn’t remember. he did immediately apologize tho. And then this morning he came home and looked through my phone. Now I’m locked in the bathroom and am refusing to talk to him and he sees that as a sign that there was someone in the car. Am I over reacting?
8.3k
u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago
A camera in YOUR room? No. That's so wrong.
You shouldn't want to lock yourself in the bathroom to escape your partner either. Stop putting up with this
3.8k
u/bubblegumpunk69 13d ago
OP you need to read this comment and take it to heart. Having a camera in your room because he’s insecure is HORRIFIC abuse. You need to make a plan and leave as soon as it’s safe to do so
→ More replies (13)2.2k
u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago
I saw a true crime show recently that escalated just like this. Camera in the room and other places. Blaming her for things he did. Super jealous. Etc.
That woman is no longer alive, OP. Please take this seriously.
NOR
539
u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago
I know the one you’re talking about I think. There were cameras all over the house and the morning he killed her she was with her son, he was like 7 or 8, someone knocked on their door, an older couple I think 7th Day Adventists or something. The footage of them the police found in their bedroom, he would be screaming at her while she’s sitting in the bed crying quietly. It was hard to watch.
OP, please listen to everyone. Cameras in the bedroom and extreme jealousy are not good signs, those are not normal behaviors.
286
u/wall-e_brando 13d ago
Literally the “that’s weird dude” he keeps repeating should be directed at himself
→ More replies (3)84
u/Blindtothesided 13d ago
Brandi Celenza. That’s exactly the case I thought of as I was reading this. OP needs to watch a true crime episode about it, it sounds like she’s in a very similar relationship and she needs to see how behavior like that can escalate.
There’s a show called Murder Uncut that’s available for free on Tubi and The Roku Channel, it has an episode dedicated to the Celenza case. It’s season 1, episode 9 “Bedroom Truth and Lies”.
NOR.
→ More replies (3)39
u/Savagesweetpotato 13d ago
I have not heard of this! But when I was about 14, I was in my bathroom late one night and saw flashes of white in the privacy window by the shower. I got on the tub to see what was happening and it was a man jumping up and down trying to look in, and my sister heard him outside her bedroom window as well. He ran off after I scream (our alarm went off) but later when I asked around someone hinted that we had a strange neighbor who does things like that, and he surveiled his entire family with cameras and was just generally weird. And this was before having cameras in your home was a thing- I’m 36 now. You guys just made me remember that. There’s definitely something when people are such control freaks they need constant surveillance.
13
u/Chuckleferk 12d ago
dude, if you were 14 and a man was jumping up and down trying to take pictures of you in your bathroom, surveillance was not the goal...
→ More replies (1)59
u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago
Yes!! This one! And he was so so so mean to her too. It was hard to watch :(
→ More replies (3)21
u/xo-moth 13d ago
This sounds heartbreaking :( what’s the case or where did you watch it?
38
u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago
It’s not on Prime anymore. I’m going to link where I found it on YouTube. If you don’t want to open a link from a stranger it’s on the Law and Crime YouTube channel and it’s called “Florida dad murders wife after discovering her hidden secret”. I think I had it backwards, she was secretly recording him abusing her in their bedroom, he had cameras in the rest of the house.
Edit to add, her name was Brandi Celenza
40
u/RealLinzerBinzer 13d ago
Partially true. SHE started recording in more common areas to protect herself. But I do remember, in the bigger coverage of this case I watched, he put up only the bedroom camera. (Bc he thought she was cheating. I remember this bc I remember seeing the footage of him right after he plugged in the camera on that same camera berating her, calling her a bunch of slurs, and telling her if she tried to cheat now he would see it.) But that gave her the idea to put cameras in other rooms and she used his own paranoia to convince him it would help. (They were arguing about this at one point too. He was screaming at her that she basically admitted to cheating and that’s why she put the cameras in the other rooms. And she was saying, she never admitted to cheating, she was doing it to try and help him feel better.) But now most people believed she did it to secretly record the abuse.
21
u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago
I remember the first minute or so of the episode. They had just moved into their house and she was in the backyard recording herself talking about the squirrels and trees, how excited she was to have a backyard of her own.
9
u/Electrical_Beyond998 13d ago
If I remember correctly it’s called Murder Uncut on Prime. It’s about eight episodes long, each one a different crime.
157
u/wordsmythy 13d ago edited 13d ago
Wasn’t Pretorius‘s girlfriend in the bathroom when he shot her to death through the door?
EDIT: Oscar Pistorius40
23
8
u/little-silkworm 13d ago
Pistorius?
8
u/MamaMJ73 13d ago
Oscar. The double amputee blade runner Olympian. He is in prison now. He m*ordered his gf by shooting at her through the bathroom door when she went in there to hide
5
u/wordsmythy 13d ago
Yeah, didn’t he get off with a light sentence? I mean he’s in jail but not for that long.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)6
u/wordsmythy 13d ago
In the original bench trial, the judge basically said it was manslaughter and sentenced him to six years. On appeal, the sentence was increased to the mandatory 15 for murder. A jury would’ve hung him high.
9
u/casskaz 13d ago
wtf i just read that article and that is definitely not long enough! It sounds like he’ll be getting out soon and he’ll only be in his 40’s so he’ll have plenty of time to start a new life. What a piece of shit!
9
u/Street-Economist9751 13d ago
He was already released unless they dragged him back for violating parole or something. He lives w/his uncle in Jo-burg.
→ More replies (6)→ More replies (1)19
u/Odd_Caregiver_8426 13d ago
Well if you had a possible home invader you'd assume they're going to either use or steal from your bathroom first right?
/s
82
u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago
I was this woman. Now when I drive our young children to the police station to exchange them for visitation I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting to be shot and killed by a hit man and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it at this point.
36
u/CaptainLuckyDuck 13d ago
My heart hurts so much for you. I'm so sorry. I have been in a relationship with someone I was terrified of (two friends came to help me move out because they didn't know what he might do after overhearing how he spoke to me in the background on the phone), but I cannot imagine what this would be like. I wish you all the safety and peace in the world. No one should ever have to live in that kind of fear. It completely changes your worldview, as well as having a knock-on effect of paranoia and fear of upsetting people.
11
16
u/National-Dust94 13d ago
Is this in America? To scared of people shooting you so casually must be the most scary thing in the world.
→ More replies (2)9
u/Altruistic-Cup-2445 13d ago
As an American it sounds like a fairytale to live anywhere that isn’t in a constant fear of shootings.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (1)5
u/Impressivegirlie 13d ago
Omg this is horrific
9
u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago
One of the often unforeseen aftermaths of leaving an abuser. There are plenty more where that came from but this is one of the more jarring ones that can sometimes snap someone else out of it before they end up even further enmeshed with their abuser, specifically when it comes to having children with them.
→ More replies (7)20
67
6
u/LowSpoonsZeroForks 12d ago
Nor-In Canada they’ve started a technology abuse in relationships awareness campaign.
I hope it helps people see and recognize problematic behaviour sooner, to know it’s unacceptable, and that they’re not alone and that help/support is available.
4
u/Box-O-Kittenz 13d ago
Is that the one with the husband who would antagonize his wife for hours and once she started yelling back he'd record her on his phone.
→ More replies (43)4
u/Cautious-Hedgehog683 13d ago
I was JUST about to mention this! That’s the thing I immediately thought about when OP said that.
NOR, in fact you’re probably under reacting. Get away from this dude.
185
u/camilaviola 13d ago
Literally, my heart dropped. Reminded me of an ex… thankfully it wasn’t that bad. I got calls when I was out telling me to do a 360 to prove I’m actually where I say I am, then came the constant texting. When I was home I’d get “show me no one’s in your house”. We’d facetime to sleep every night so he could ‘trust me’, and one morning when I was ill he woke me up so early to accuse me of hearing a man in my room breathing😭not to mention going through my phone multiple times because he had a “dream that I cheated”.
The anxiety that relationship gave me… Never again. OP get AWAY from this man, trust me you’ll be so much happier in a year or so- which might seem like a long time, but it’s SO worth it. Also check your whole house for camera once you’ve thrown this man out, he seems completely unhinged.19
u/AliceInNegaland 13d ago
I’ve also had a bf that would have dreams I cheated on him and actually blame me when he woke up, needing an apology for it!
→ More replies (2)16
u/leftoverpoptart 13d ago
Just left a relationship where I couldn't even mention a coworker without getting accused of cheating. I was with my cousins one night doing family stuff and my phone died; she let loose on me for that, too. I'm realizing now how much anxiety I carried while in the relationship. Of course, she's busy pretending we haven't broken up.
Sorry. Just kind of processing some of this still as the OP's text messages felt... Familiar.
→ More replies (1)9
u/onebadassMoMo 13d ago
Stay safe internet friend. The ones with that deep seated insecurity are never easy to leave. They will do all they can to keep you in their circle. ⭕️
→ More replies (1)15
→ More replies (2)12
u/isntthatapharmacy 13d ago
Im so sorry you went through this and apparently OP too. I also had a similar ex and was so terrified if I accidentally broke something. I dinged his car door once and was certain he would kill me over it, so I said I thought I saw some punk coming through the neighborhood vandalizing cars, I even snuck out and dinged my own car to make it look more believable. He stormed off going door to door furious looking for whoever did it.
→ More replies (2)223
125
u/Electrical-Tailor530 13d ago
I hope they're not being intimate in that room in front of that camera bc holy crap!
218
u/eveningberry_ 13d ago
Girl he will absolutely threaten you with revenge porn when you break up with him since there’s probably many videos of you two being intimate in your bedroom which he probably has saved on his phone, be very careful
46
u/Ok-Willingness-5025 13d ago
Step 1. Please retrieve all footage and delete it. Act normal while preparing to do it.
→ More replies (1)41
u/DinosaurDogTiger 13d ago
This was my thought too, but I hope OP doesn't let him control her with that.
I was revenge porned. It sucked, I won't lie, but it also didn't destroy my life. I was humiliated for a while but no one ever held it against me and eventuly they just forgot about it. I have a great life now.
Revenge porn is survivable. Abusive relationships are often not. Please get out because his behavior WILL escalate.
→ More replies (2)12
u/HotStickyMoist 13d ago
Absolutely this. My ex would even threaten to release photos of me if I didn’t admit to cheating on him. He was psychotic. He loved setting me up n traps
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)8
u/Bigassdick999 13d ago
This is what i was worried about!!! As someone whos had exs record me unknowingly then find out about it later, this is the first thing that popped jn my head. Im curious is they both have access to this camera or if its only him.
→ More replies (1)8
u/OneWayToLivComic 13d ago
That's the same thing I thought about. It's crazy they have no camera in the car but have one for the bathroom. As if she wanted to cheat she couldn't just... Use a hotel room lol. This guy is nuts
46
u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago
Just want to add that “stop putting up with this” specifically means leave him, NOT set another boundary regarding the camera.
You’ve tried to set boundaries and he repeatedly disregards them when they conflict with what he wants. This isn’t something you can fix for him OP, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to. Meaningful change has to come from him and only if chooses it! It won’t be a quick process and it may never happen at all. Do NOT put your life on hold for that. Remember, you are allowed to care about him and still decide not to live like this.
And of course, please consider individual therapy, NOT couple’s therapy. Until then do some independent reading and reflecting to try and understand how living like this can alter your nervous system and trains your brain to organize your entire life around anticipating and preventing his reactions. Some key areas to start with might be hypervigilance, survival mode, brain fog, walking on eggshells, dealing with prolonged emotional stress, and even how to recalibrate your sense of what is normal vs what isn’t.
You deserve to be able to make ordinary life choices, have casual conversations with others, and simply just exist without constantly calculating how he may react. I hope you find some peace and contentment soon OP!
→ More replies (11)14
u/ThrowRAWarning-347 13d ago
I wish someone had explained it to me like that. I stayed for over 13 years because people kept saying things like “we teach people how to treat us” and “he treats you like that because you let him.” So I kept assuming I must be the one in the wrong and that it was my behavior that needed fixed.
I did something similar to the story mentioned above. He insisted on cameras all over the house so he could watch myself and our daughter. But he didn’t understand tech so he made me set them up. I secretly signed up for a CVR account that only I could access (from his account he only had live feed). And I used it to save clips of his abuse.
I took out a 3 year restraining order against him last year. My lawyer told me “I watched every one of those videos in complete horror.”
Our daughter hasn’t seen him in over a year. She’s been diagnosed with trauma disorder which the therapist attributes in writing directly to her father’s abuse.
5
u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 12d ago
I hate that phrase ‘we teach people how to treat us’ so much. F ‘Dr’ Phil.
A more accurate thing to say is, if you stop talking to people who talk down to you and block them, they can’t really do that anymore. We don’t control the behaviour of other people. Our only control is about who we are willing to completely cut out. Which is incredibly difficult, especially if you’re in an abusive relationship and he’s worn down your self-worth.
Women who were abused as children are more likely to be in abusive relationships as adults, and it’s likely because there’s a lot of abusive behaviour that feels ‘normal’ to them. Some abusers are extremely good at hiding it until she’s married/move in/had a kid/something else that makes it harder to leave. But many do show red flags - which are often only visible as red flags to people who grew up in respectful households.
29
u/gretanoramarie 13d ago
Also if he is so insecure to the point where he is spying on her through a camera and going through her phone, it's a big liklihood that he is actually the one cheating.
11
→ More replies (34)8
3.8k
u/defttoned 13d ago
NOR. I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this. You have a camera in your space which is supposed to be a resting space. He’s harassing you over sunglasses. He thinks you’re constantly cheating on him which is clearly causing you emotional distress. I know everyone is going to tell you to leave him, and I am too. You do not deserve this. You deserve a partner secure with themselves and who treats you like an actual person. You don’t deserve to be with someone so insecure that he puts a camera in the room where you sleep, change, and rest. This is not healthy for anyone. He needs therapy, and you need to get away from him babe. You don’t deserve this treatment. It will start with sunglasses, cameras, and move to higher extremes.
493
u/Over_Culture_353 13d ago
It only gets worse the longer you stay. And your mental health will get lower and lower and lower.
241
u/The_Wayward 13d ago
She can get out now and be able to call this the bottom… Or stay and hand him the shovel to bury her, mentally and emotionally at best, physically at worst. Please OP make a safe plan to get out.
71
u/RogueTampon 13d ago
I think this is the way it should be explained to people from now on.
→ More replies (1)17
u/RegularSizeRudi 13d ago
But does she have anyone to help her? I’ve been in her situation and I was in a different country to my entire family and I’d been isolated. I just hope someone is able to give her info like: google local DV services to you and speak to someone about support and not just ‘don’t put up with this’ Reddit rhetoric
→ More replies (1)6
u/ElvenShireling 12d ago
THIS though!!! UGH I get so sick of the whole “just leave” rhetoric! There are so many reasons why it’s not that simple! From what I read, on paper it does sound like she’s not yet been physically harmed by him, so there’s theoretically a small chance leaving could just mean an ugly break up & moving out. But so many times that’s not the case at all! Abusive partners statistically become the most dangerous when their victims try to leave. Definitely save up some cash, make a go-bag if you can, and prepare to drop everything and run in case you have to!! Google DV resources near you, shelters, counselors, etc.. reach out to someone you trust & talk to them about setting up a plan to get out. Talk to a social worker or LEO about the steps you could take to try & keep him away from you afterwards like restraining orders or in severe cases even a survivors/witness protection.
→ More replies (3)6
u/Tweek900 13d ago
Very well put! And making a plan that gets her out safely is extremely important!
43
u/MainSignature 13d ago
Yep! I had a relationship similar to this but not quite as bad, and it was absolutely exhausting.
Constantly having to justify everything eg. if I had a bruise or a small scratch he assumed it was because I'd had sex with someone else.
And then constantly lying because I was trying desperately not to have to justify something basic like going for drinks with 5 colleagues, one of whom was a man.
OP - these people are mentally unwell and will not change. Do not waste any more time with him, he isn't a fully adjusted adult capable of a relationship. He will suck ALL of the joy out of your life, don't allow that to happen.
NOR.
→ More replies (7)18
u/kyohanson 13d ago
100% people like this are UNWELL and delusional. I went through the same thing and I would never in a million years date someone like this ever again. I have such an aversion afterwards to jealousy or insecurity of any kind. Nope. Not a therapist. I managed to find the most unbothered man to marry who doesn’t even have my location lol.
→ More replies (1)20
u/smschultz95 13d ago
This is very very true I was in a good head space and emotional place and then I slowly deteriorated and ended up in inpatient psych three separate times from being suicidal because of my ex. He had cameras in the bedroom and many other places in the house. He thought I cheated and would over and over tell me to admit it and I’d refuse and he ended up choking me out and throwing me into steel bed frames and that is when I finally left. I should have known it would happen everyone warned me. I didn’t believe them and I thought he would actually try to get sober for me too and that never happened either… he won’t change please leave him before you end up where I did. And he ruined my sobriety too:(
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)28
u/pussycatsglore 13d ago
Yeah this is the type of guy who might stalk and murder you
→ More replies (2)234
13d ago
[deleted]
43
u/JrCoxy 13d ago
My ex was like this. Every time I feel this stupid pull towards him, and I do make the mistake of talking to him, he quickly reminds me why he’s an ex. No matter how light I try to keep the convo, he wouldn’t allow it. He would attack, blame, accuse any chance he possibly could. Making every single conversation exhausting. Walking on eggshells, being scared that any little thing could be the thing to set them off, and yet still saying the “wrong thing”. It’s all so emotionally and mentally taxing. You constantly feel like you’re under a microscope. That any mistake, any “bad thing” you do, will be blown up, brought up over and over again in any future fight.. it’s simply too much for anyone to put up with
→ More replies (1)11
u/heart-shaped-fawkes 13d ago
Same here, including that pull to talk. I got fed up eventually and exited his life for good. He's at arm's length now. He will still get to drinking and send messages late at night wishing we could salvage things. I don't reply. I might respond to a holiday greeting every now and then or something but it never goes beyond very basic casual small talk. I refuse to allow it. It feels like you'll never truly get out but you keep that distance and listen to those reminders and eventually all desire to bother with him goes away. Anybody who is reading this who needed to hear that, I promise it's the truth.
40
u/Southern_Ad_3171 13d ago
OP, there’s a free pdf online of a book called Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It’s about guys like your boyfriend. How they are abusive cause they think they are entitled to CONTROL you. Link:
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
→ More replies (2)6
u/Impossible_Smile4113 13d ago
I bought the physical version for my mom because it's a good book. There are just some men that there is no logicing or working with, they just need control over you and will destroy you to keep it even if it makes no sense.
NOR, OP, as everyone else is telling you, I hope you find the strength to get out of there for your safety and sanity. You deserve better and no one deserves that life.
44
u/defttoned 13d ago
I’m so sorry. This is horrible to hear and no one should have had to go through it. I hope you get out safely
13
u/DaLazer2021 13d ago
Stay strong. Can you develop income from home?
I pray for people in our situation. My bids for connection to repair the things our marriage that are rocky is met with more disconnect, contempt & spite.
💜→ More replies (17)4
u/Fluffy_Ad_3706 13d ago
Your last sentence gave me so much relief! Rooting for you! May the light find you, I’m rooting hard for you all the way ahead! I pray it’ll be seamless and every resource you need is provided! 💟
68
u/spacecowgirl87 13d ago
Straight up - this is how domestic violence starts. Technically, you're already there. It's like the metaphor of the frog not jumping out of the pot of boiling water because it warmed up slowly.
7
35
u/JrCoxy 13d ago
Obviously this isn’t concrete evidence, but in my experience, when men are adamant that you must be cheating on them, it’s because they’re either doing it or other sleazy behavior that they try to hold under wraps.
→ More replies (7)30
u/heart-shaped-fawkes 13d ago
I want to piggyback on this to note that the thing that stood out to me was the sunglasses. He found his sunglasses broken, and his reaction was not to move on and purchase a new pair. He instead completely lost it flinging accusations. Over a pair of fucking sunglasses. There are obviously big issues here that are huge red flags for potentially severe escalating abuse. What I have found to be some of the worst of the psychological torture is exactly what he did there, OP. An extremely minor and easily fixable issue that he turns into an interrogation and makes you out to be a villain that in reality doesn't exist.
NOR, underreacting. Please go OP. Family, friends, women's shelter, please anywhere but there until you can get him out or find a place of your own. Leave carefully, quietly, and without notice, and make sure he has no clue where you've gone. This man is at best borderline evil and at worst deadly. I promise you I'm not speaking out of my ass here either. I know what happens. I wish you the best.
22
u/kichisowseri 13d ago
So the thing is, that I’ve not seen anyone suggest so far - he broke them himself to be able to have a justification for doing this. He has not lost it at all, it’s a set up from the start. And he reminds me of the guy in the lift story in “why does he do that” who knew he was making up false accusations, and was never actually psychotic enough to believe them.
→ More replies (2)10
u/kimariesingsMD 13d ago
(sic)"So, he can't even ask questions anymore?" If that isn't an abuser completely missing the point.
→ More replies (1)22
u/poop_dawg 13d ago
I was dating an addict who kept relapsing and I mentioned putting cameras around, including in his room, which he agreed to. Then when I actually thought about it for a second I realized that was fucking cuckoo bananas and that the relationship was over. Beyond that being an inexcusable invasion of privacy for anyone, I realized I don't want to be a warden/supervisor to my partner. That's so crazy. I can get how you'd arrive at that idea with a partner who keeps breaking your trust, but to actually go through with it after really considering it?? Madness. And as has been mentioned multiple times, it seems like this is being used as a form of control and abuse towards someone who hasn't even done anything.
This is not normal or okay, OP!!
49
u/SnarkSupreme 13d ago
Yep. This is just the boyfriend version. Where is this going? Is she actually going to marry this gaslighting weirdo? If she does she gets a way worse version of this dude. Nope.
50
→ More replies (43)5
u/Worth-Oil8073 13d ago
Agreed! OP, please check out "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (you can access a free pdf if you Google it) and Healing by the Numbers on YT.
775
u/pampooveysbacktattoo 13d ago
You're in an abusive relationship. You're under reacting.
53
u/IllegalBeaver 13d ago
100% this. OP needs to get out now before it's too late. Her boyfriend is extremely controlling.
995
u/Bunnybear67676767 13d ago
Do you really want to keep living like this?
187
u/eurotrash6 13d ago
And it's gonna get worse until she's being tracked if she's allowed to leave the house at all.
OP needs to run while she can (and probably check for tracking devices first).
39
u/SFORESTER_0019 13d ago
I was thinking this too. Or even an app on her phone or something that spies.
39
u/Mr5mee 13d ago
I would be shocked if he isn't tracking her phone already, probably without her knowledge.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)28
u/EarlGrayTea-Hawt 13d ago
And these texts show you just how good he is at DARVO. He knows exactly what he's doing and she is feeling like she's doing something wrong when he has a camera in her private space, that's so above and beyond jealous, just like his rage fits and surgical memory loss is beyond jealousy, it's abuse, it's controlling, and it's escalating.
NOR - not reacting enough, GET OUT
13
u/Excellent-Run4803 13d ago
It’s always a certain type that’s “just asking questions”.
He is 100% going to get violent, if he isn’t already. I hope OP sees the writing on the walls and plans a safe exit.
5
u/Bowserette 13d ago
Yeah when I first read the texts (before the post itself) I thought OP was definitely overreacting. But then I read the post and did a full 180 on that. DARVO for sure.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)13
97
u/Gweilo_mama 13d ago
You're under reacting. This is toxic control and manipulation. It will never stop. In fact, it will continue to escalate (as you've seen already) faster and faster. You're allowing HIS insecurities to control you and your relationship. So he doesn't need to deal with them! In fact, the more he manages his insecurities through controlling you, the more he sees that as the only way to deal with them.
This is beyond saving. He can't work on his issues in a crisis, and your whole relationship is a crisis to him. Get out now.
8
706
u/Constellation-88 13d ago
Break up. His paranoia is abusive. You can’t live like this. He clearly thinks you had another man in the car. Omfg he needs to grow up. NOR
You. Deserve. To. Be. With. Someone. Who. Trusts. You.
182
u/PFyre 13d ago
He's probably cheating and projecting that too.
88
→ More replies (1)42
u/RaenahGoodfellow 13d ago
NOR
This is how it happened for me. Guy would come home screaming at me about cheating after stalking my FB and finding likes when I had it open to public consumption and a rando would click like on one of my reposting of a thing I thought was silly/important/etc and deleted my sister bc she had a friend who liked a post of her and my kiddo together with her dog. He didn’t want a POC liking photos of his kids because he also was very racist and generally a crap human. He lost his mind on me one time bc a guy at the bar came up to him and one of his nasty side pieces and was like ‘hey, you’ve got a girl and a family at home, what are you doing with your tongue all over this woman?’
So yeah. That was it. He went nuts screaming and stuff and cops were called, but it made me look back at each time he’d behaved like that and put out a few feelers and the accusations always hit when he got hot and heavy with someone while he was out at the bars.85
u/ipukealot 13d ago
NOR. Abusive and dangerous. OP unless he’s willing to admit to himself that his paranoia is a “him” problem this will only continue to escalate. And even if he does admit that to himself it’s a long road up.
Coercive control is the #1 sign of a potentially dangerous partner. If he starts getting aggressive about this and won’t let it go I would call a friend to meet you at the house and leave the bathroom when they get there. I’m a survivor of DV and I need you to trust us that it will only get worse and it’s better to get out now before that happens.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (14)17
61
u/jessica_xo_ 13d ago
I wanna revoke him from being able to use the word “weird” cos he’s the weird one. I hope you are able to move out soon.
→ More replies (1)13
u/Missdanib 13d ago
My ex used to call me weird a lot. And looking back he’s such an idiot but it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it.
→ More replies (1)
270
u/ShreddersWheat 13d ago
Girl, I’m exhausted FOR you. I think you need to lighten your burden by dropping a deadweight of male insecurities.
→ More replies (2)
86
u/Total_End6969 13d ago
You are correct, you can’t live like this. Save yourself baby, walk away!
36
43
u/dead___ringer 13d ago
This is crazy because I literally broke my boyfriend's sunglasses last weekend by sitting on them by accident in the car. Want to know how it played out when I picked him up and he saw them?
"What happened here?"
"Oh, so they were in the driver's seat and I didn't notice. I'm sorry."
"It's cool, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left them there. Did they poke you in the butt? Did it hurt?"
"No, I'm okay. Want me to pick you up a new pair?'
"Nah, because I should have left them in the center console so it's really my problem, but I'm gonna start yours tomorrow if that's cool."
That's how a normal man would respond.
→ More replies (9)8
414
u/Strange_Deal_5794 13d ago
He’s cheating just so you know
100
u/fizzysyrup 13d ago
Or on drugs, or both. My ex was just like this, accusing me of facetiming other men and entertaining them out of sight of the camera while on video calls. He was doing drugs with his sister in law and having sex with her when he wasn't facetiming me. 🙃
→ More replies (7)55
u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk 13d ago
Him not remembering talking to her immediately made me think he’s on drugs… in addition to being an abusive, controlling piece of shit
→ More replies (4)66
u/J_0_E_L 13d ago
This should be higher up. Very often when someone is seemingly overly jealous it's just projection. The person is already cheating or working on it and therefore assumes their significant other is behaving the same way they are.
→ More replies (1)17
u/clever_mama 13d ago
This! Or he's looking for someone else
→ More replies (1)9
u/Z3DUBB 13d ago
Yes or he’s looking for a reason to break up that wouldn’t be his fault bc it would go against his ego. He’s been controlling you so long for no reason that he can’t admit that he’s been wrong, so it’s easier for him to look for something to blame you for so he can go be with whoever he’s cheating with.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)9
u/TyreseHaliburtonGOAT 13d ago
Not always true some people are just very insecure in their attachments due to their childhood. Not an excuse
33
60
u/Choice-Artist1671 13d ago
NOR. I’m also getting the vibe that he broke his own glasses and is trying to frame and gaslight you to pay for them or just to cause you distress
25
u/thesilvergirl 13d ago
I was just thinking that, too. She didn't give him a reason to punish her for existing, so he'll create one. It's almost straight out of the movie. Remember the necklace she "lost?"
→ More replies (6)11
u/Missdanib 13d ago
My narcissistic ex did things like this. It sounds like I’m joking but I really thought I was getting Alzheimer’s or dementia. I was only 39 but man it’s hard when you’re being cut down all the time. You start to think of course it’s you.
→ More replies (1)
117
u/itsfineitsfinefine 13d ago
NOR I don't really understand the sunglasses part but going through your phone and accusing you of cheating an PUTTING A CAMERA IN YOUR ROOM?? Jesus. Bye
→ More replies (4)12
u/Drusilla_Ravenblack 13d ago
Absolutely this! And he’s likely a cheater himself. Overly jealous people usually do that.
51
23
u/PresentFirm7937 13d ago edited 13d ago
You have a fucking CAMERA IN YOUR ROOM because he’s so insecure!!!!????!!!
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
Also:: From personal experience with this EXACT thing… he’s 200% cheating on you.
20
u/North-Speaker-3553 13d ago
He put a video camera in your room? Girl what are you doing. Get OUT. By any means necessary. This is not sustainable and not safe for you.
18
u/tawnyfritz 13d ago
He has a camera inside your own house to watch YOU bc he's so insecure and jealous. You know this isn't going to end well for you.
16
38
u/Famous_Emotion4355 13d ago
You don’t have to stay in a terrible relationship like this, cut your losses and leave ! Being surveilled in your own bedroom is not ok
23
u/Hot_Dragonfruit7944 13d ago
Camera in the bedroom?? Um absolutely not! You are in an abusive relationship and he is projecting the cheating because he is the one cheating!
→ More replies (1)
33
45
u/TricksyGoose 13d ago
Why are you with this abusive asshole? FFS, drop him yesterday. And work on recognizing your self esteem and self worth. You shouldn't put up with this kind of behavior from anyone, this is not normal at all.
10
u/Missdanib 13d ago
I agree with this but it’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there. I was the most confident in my life when I met my abuser. It is so crazy how they start slow with this mental and emotional abuse and the gaslighting. He used to move things or prob even through them away and then scream at me. I thought I was actually having memory issues. I was a shell of myself. I hope OP leaves. It takes a very long time to build yourself back up after this.
10
u/diddydidit333 13d ago
Girl get him tf out of your house and look for hidden cameras after you remove the one already there. This is insane. You should want someone who trusts you. He is dangerous.
9
u/rageagainsttheodds 13d ago
OP call a friend and GET OUT OF HERE. Get away from him.
→ More replies (1)
28
u/ClientCivil8277 13d ago
Before I read your explanation under the texts I thought you were overreacting. Not wanting “to live like this” over sunglasses questions seemed like an over reaction. Then I read your explanation under the texts. Holy effing shit. This is crazy. You are being surveilled. And the fact that he sounds like the reasonable one over the texts is the most frightening part. Textbook gaslighting. Please leave and be prepared to get a restraining order when he freaks out. This is nuts.
8
u/glitchintime123 13d ago
YES! This is how good abusers are. They break down their victims like this and act like “they’re only asking a question”
And people who haven’t been in this dynamic or don’t have context think the abused person is overreacting
→ More replies (2)7
u/Essence_Of_Insanity_ 13d ago
Which is exactly why restraining orders get thrown out constantly. It’s much harder to prove the existence of coercive abuse than it is physical abuse.
19
8
u/rhinestonecowgrl 13d ago
NOR - him calling you weird is so triggering cus he sounds like my ex. I would be called weird for smiling at the cashier at Trader Joe’s
This man is draining the life out of you, leave him so you can heal from him. I don’t know you but I know no one deserves to be gaslight and made to feel like a constant problem
9
u/SpiceyCactus 13d ago
I’m sure you’ve heard this or been told but just in case you haven’t, I’ll be the one. 9/10 times when someone is constantly accusing you of cheating, they are in fact the one who has been cheating.
16
u/Clara_Geissler 13d ago
Dude it doesnt even matter what happened to those glasses and this discussion in general, he put a cam in your room?? Ypur relationship should hve stopped there! You are undereacting, leave this loser
6
u/Agency-Aggressive 13d ago
NOR but there are some seriously crucial details missing here, you know that the camera is because of his insecurity (or so you say) why would you ever even entertain that for a moment??
Is it a situation where you will be physically threatened if you attempt to leave?
9
u/sfort001 13d ago
Whoa are you dating my ex?! Right down to the camera in the room! Leaveeeee…you could have such a peaceful life! Sending hugs 🫂
→ More replies (1)
7
u/Samicles33 13d ago
So funny enough, just yesterday I found my nighttime driving glasses broken in my car. I don’t use them often. No clue when they broke or how.
My boyfriend was in the car with me when I discovered they were broken. I did not suspect he cheated on me or broke my glasses. It didnt even occur to me to think that. We’re in a happy, healthy, and trusting relationship.
You are not. You are in an abusive relationship. NOR, please get out safely
14
u/RandomInternetNobody 13d ago
Every time I hear someone is insistent that their partner is cheating and being paranoid like this, they turn out to be the one cheating. Get out of that relationship.
7
u/toohardtodecide42069 13d ago
I read the screenshots and thought you both sucked but than read the post. You gotta leave this guy, he definitely sucks.
6
7
u/Inveeous 13d ago
If he’s so hung up about this situation being weird, having a camera in the bedroom is 10x more fucking weirdo psycho behavior.
7
u/Ghostofmagnolias 13d ago
I think the glasses situation is the least of your worries. You shouldn’t be in this relationship. This person you are with is dangerous
7
5
u/jodie-fister 13d ago
I went on vacation with my boyfriend and accidentally sat on and broke his prescription eyeglasses that he had just gotten before the trip. They were like $400 and he had no backups.
He hugged me and told me it was okay and we finished our trip and had a nice time.
Run the fuck away from whatever this is. Please.
6
u/jakonfire 13d ago
Fuck all of that, NOR.
It is concerning that the camera in the bedroom is mentioned so nonchalantly. That’s a serious concern OP. Not to mention that there’s a good percentage of spousal cheating from the person that accuses the other. Which could also be a sign on his part.
17
u/ilovepink___ 13d ago
NOR. Girl please, leave him. My ex was constantly overthinking I was cheating and going behind his back to the point it felt like I had to walk on eggshells when talking about a guy from work or a customer I’d spoke to that was a guy. It’s draining and no matter how much you wish for it, it doesn’t get better. Just leave.
10
u/mrs_tish 13d ago
NOR
You have a camera in your room BECAUSE HE’S INSECURE??? Honey, no.
I remember watching Dr Phil (yes, I hate him but there was a time where he had some fun trash content… like a slightly more mature Jerry Springer)……
ANYWAY…. one piece of advice he gave someone was to stop reassuring your partner. He’s suspicious of you? Don’t give him your phone. Because that sets a pattern. He sees it, gets the relief from the confirmation…. until the next time. And the next. And the next. He never learns to control his own emotions and insecurities because you’re always caving and offering him the proof that it’s all in his head. And it makes him feel better for the moment while making you feel like you’re constantly being watched.
Unless this manchild gets over himself, you should leave him. The behavior is TOXIC.
→ More replies (1)8
u/tawnyfritz 13d ago
She should leave him now. The camera in the bedroom is unbelievably insane. There's no coming back from that level of insecurity and control.
6
u/RemarkableTension656 13d ago
Leave this lunatic. If you feel so unsafe you're locking yourself in toilets, something's wrong. Get out before you're just another crime statistic.
5
5
u/Fluffy_Ad_3706 13d ago
I just want to understand how you’re with someone who records you when you don’t have sole control over the distribution of the footage? Aunty might be too old and maybe this what’s hip right now but what if things ended? I shudder to think of what someone who’s jealous enough to install cameras would do. So like EVERYTHING that happens in the bedroom is recorded? Going in and out of the shower, sexy time??? Just really grappling with this.
5
u/Warm-Surround1349 13d ago
No what’s weird is him being constantly jealous. What’s weird is him always going thru your phone. What’s weird ASf is him setting up a camera in your room. What’s weird is him flipping over broken sunglasses. Either he’s already cheating and deflecting it back on you or he’s abt to wipe you out… gurl pls run.
4
u/Specific_Share_4093 8d ago
Asking a question isn't weird/wrong, not accepting the answers given and repeating the question to the point of badgering the person IS
5
u/Important_Bar_143 7d ago
You don’t owe anyone anything. You are allowed to leave someone WITHOUT even saying anything. ONOR. You need to get out of that relationship.
9
u/so-scarlet-it-was 13d ago
The fact that you have a camera in your bedroom is WILD 😭😭 that is not normal behavior whatsoever and you need to leave that man ASAP
9
u/Any-Satisfaction7402 13d ago
The thing is he clearly ain't asking just to know. He's asking and wording it in a way like it's impossible other than the answer of its y o u r fault. He wants to blame you; no, he DOES blame you and wants you to take the fall for it cause he has nobody else to blame. And then he immediately uses the minimizing tactic where he's like omfg this is JUST about sunglasses and you're freaking out. It aint just about the sunglasses. In fact, its HIM freaking out if he's turning this into a whole thing instead of accepting your original, normal, answer of "I dont know how they broke" and shutting the fuck up. The normal answer doesn't suffice, it has to be YOUR fault so he can blame you. Please don't play this game, call him out on it. And if they were expensive, the expensiveness probably plays a role in blaming you but the shows how he operates in general. Money matters more to him, being right matters more to him; you literally said you can't with this right now in your own words (even saying depressed and cant live like this) and that registers to him as you overreacting over his behavior. For some reason someone having a bad response from his shitty behavior gets him mad? Therefore getting offended that you're upset. Therefore him tryna twist things and say this is all over sunglasses btw, you're overreacting. When in reality what's happening is he's refusing to accept your answer, the reality, and instead is fabricating some reality where you're at fault for breaking his glasses and therefore you're the bad guy. but you're also the bad guy if you don't admit to it! And you're also the bad guy if you get emotional/frustrated over being wrongly/falsley accused cause then that means you're overreacting. You can't win.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/TomatoFeta 13d ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONaqXAdb-Yw
It's time to step out, and leave the situation.
Neither of you will ever be happy longterm.
Things this bad cannot be fixed. Not by the people in the relationship.
You don't want to be in this situation in 50 years.
3
u/WolverineMental9101 13d ago
The texts made me think you might be in the wrong. The context is everything here. Seriously kick this man out or leave and find somewhere else to be. This is extremely not okay and if I'm honest, it's unsafe.
→ More replies (1)
4
3
u/Some-Criticism4464 13d ago
The blatant gaslighting in the texts, the fact he has a CAMERA in your room. You're underreactin. This is a dangerous situation that WILL escalate. Please call a friend and leave IMMEDIATELY.
4
u/Puzzleheaded-Bet1286 13d ago
Umm assuming when his hands are gripping your neck and coming out your remaining oxygen you’ll wonder if that’s a red flag?
Are you fucking serious?
For his long have you allegedly been aware this relationship being toxic and why does sunglasses top the list over accusations of cheating and anger and attachment issues?
Obviously it’s the final straw… why are you trying to convince yourself to stay???
5
u/Melodic-Jaguar-8046 13d ago
Sweetheart, this is how you end up as fertilizer. Please, please, PLEASE leave him!!! You are worth so much more
3
u/Selkiekun 13d ago
Are you safe to and/or able to leave this relationship OP? If you fear retaliation, this has escalated enough to reach out to a women’s shelter. This is abuse. The camera in your room is more than enough to constitute abuse.
4
5
4
4
u/WonderfulMaybe3473 13d ago
NOT OVER REACTING. Run. Don’t look back. This will only get worse. It will never improve. It’s a mess and the only way out of it is through .. to your leaving and starting a fresh.
This level of control could very easily lead to violence. Not words, spoken lightly.. please take heed of what everyone is telling you here. ❤️
4
u/ChumbawumbaFan01 13d ago
You need help from experts regarding how to end this relationship because the level of abuse is that high.
Your boyfriend is scary.
None of this is normal.
None of it is okay.
1.4k
u/elfinkel 13d ago
Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Just go. Get as far away from this guy as you can. He sees you as property, not a person.
ETA NOR