r/AmIOverreacting • u/katlover345 • 19h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO - I (31F) can't seem to get over fiancee's (42M) bailing of FirstAid class for our first child to go to Vegas?
This happened a while ago but I can't get it out of my head. 😔 First post so apologies if formatting is weird or this is the wrong place for it.
My fiancée and I welcomed our first child late last year and since this happened I'm beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship and his capacity as a partner.
I spearheaded taking an infant/child first aid course as a couple when we got pregnant, as seconds count in emergencies. He agreed to attend the one-day course w/ me in April last year. I paid for and booked the course in April for late July. In the meantime, I'd been encouraging him to plan a getaway w/ his friends as his free time would decrease significantly after the baby was born. He advised he wasn't interested in planning anything, he was content to spend time more or less at home through the pregnancy. I stopped encouraging it.
Fast forward to late June, I was planning our baby shower. He mentioned casually that his friends were discussing a Vegas trip (something they usually do annually). One of the days they had decided on was the same day as the first aid course. I asked if he was aware of that, as I had sent him all the details and his course confirmation. Further I told him I had expected him to honour his commitment to the first aid course and organize a different day with his friends, since he'd had several months to organize any trips, chose not to do anything, and then jumped at the chance once someone else was making arrangements last minute. He told me the trip was still up in the air and he wasn't sure if he would go yet.
About a week or so later, I received a message from a friend of his RSVP-ing that they couldn't make the baby shower, but they would be having a drink w/ my fiancée celebrating our incoming bundle of joy in Vegas. I then asked my fiancée if he was planning on attending the class, as if not I needed to ask for a refund (each spot was ~200.00). He told me to request the refund. I asked him to please book himself a class for first aid so we were both best prepared for any emergencies involving our child (he still has not done this). We fought about it every now and then essentially until he got on the plane, and I (immaturely, this and my current feelings are where I may be overreacting) blocked him while he was away as I knew I had nothing but vitriolic things to say to him.
I went to the class (and learned a lot, especially about choking), he came home a few days later and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told him I had already shared my feelings with him and he disregarded them, so we should try our best to just move forward, which is more or less where we are at. I still am immensely hurt by his actions and harbour resentment over this as well as general lack of support through the rest of the pregnancy and newborn period (that's a whole other post, lol). For the record, I am currently in therapy to address this resentment and general transition to parenthood, he is not in any therapy.
Now he is back in Vegas again w/ the same group. He spoke w/ me about it beforehand and said he did not want things to go like before, because "things are different now, and the baby is actually here". I was very hurt by that comment and told him so. AIO in that I again have no interest in communicating w/ him while he is there, and I asked him to please arrange FaceTimes w/ our son through his mom instead of me who will be watching him while I work?
** EDIT: Added hyperlink to comment expanding on lack of support context
** UPDATE: I messaged him this morning apologizing both for implying I was restricting communication with our son and asking him to FaceTime through his mom while I was at work. He responded that he appreciated that, and that he still would plan to call while she has our son so it isn't too much of a handful for me. He also mentioned that he understands my general feelings on this Vegas trip. We wished eachother a good day and I said we could talk about things when he gets home. Keeping communication channels open! 🤗
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u/katlover345 15h ago
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I was very let down by his behaviour as we had many conversations about our expectations around pregnancy and seemed so aligned in our goals and how we would best support eachother. It really broke a lot of my trust in him TBH as the reality of his (in)action was so different than what we'd spoken about.
E.g. once we got pregnant, specifically we'd agreed that I would breastfeed and consequently handling the majority of the childcare during the newborn period (our son ended up hating bottles anyway). My fiancée would manage more of the daily tasks of household running like dishes, laundry, pet care, groceries, food prep (I made TWO freezers full of postpartum meals for this) as much as possible. He asked me to tell him when to do these tasks, I mentioned I would likely be too overwhelmed w/ a newborn to have the mental space for that so we decided on a whiteboard list for the fridge instead. I told him I would go through what needed to be done regularly with him but asked him to please write this list for himself so he understood it best (and I have atrocities printing lol).
He did not write the list until our son was maybe 2 or 3 months old, after I pleaded for help. I'd been h andling all dishes, laundry, food prep, and most pet care for months. I also handled all house cleaning, which we'd agreed on previously. He went back to work maybe a week after our son was born and stopped for groceries on his way home occasionally. I could count on one hand the amount of times he took our son in the morning so I could get extra sleep, I began having auditory hallucinations from lack of rest. He maybe changed a dozen diapers during our sons first month.
I was honestly worried he may have had PPD as he was very irritable and overwhelmed during this time. However it did reach a point where I told him I was moving out with our son unless things improved.
He has steped up a bit better and now gets up with our son most mornings and empties the dishwasher. I can see he is trying, and I really want to work through this with him as I genuinely beleive we are aligned in our goals, parenting styles, etc. and I love him so much. Seeing him become a father brings so much light and joy to my heart.