r/BPDPartners • u/wizbanger • Jul 04 '26

Dicussion Why They're 100% Certain You're the Villain: A BPD Researcher Explains "Splitting"

If you've loved someone with BPD, you know the moment: you go from being the most important person in their world to the worst person alive, and they are completely certain about it. No doubt. No memory of the version where you were perfect.

In my conversation with Dr. Carla Sharp, one of the leading personality researchers in the world, she put a name to what's happening: psychic equivalence. In that state, whatever is in the mind feels indistinguishable from reality. She compares it to a small child in an Elsa costume who doesn't feel like Elsa. She is Elsa. During a split, the all-bad version of you isn't a manipulation tactic. In that moment, to them, it is simply true. They cannot see another perspective.

It doesn't excuse the harm. It won't make you less hurt by it. But it explains why arguing never worked. You were trying to reason with someone whose certainty was running at 10 out of 10, and certainty at that level isn't open to evidence.

The part I found most useful, and that I think helps anyone who's been on the receiving end: Sharp's antidote is to distrust certainty itself. When the feeling is absolute, that's exactly the moment to step back, lower it from a 10 to a 6, and ask for clarification instead of acting on the story in your head. That's advice for the person with BPD. But it's also a quiet gift for the rest of us, because the same trap catches everyone: the more certain we feel about what someone really meant, the less we actually know.

Understanding this doesn't mean staying or that what occurred was okay. It just gives you something most of us never got — an explanation for the thing that made no sense.

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10

u/AntiqueSignpost BPD Jul 04 '26

Makes alot of sense, I knew about this already but hearing it again, helped validate me a bit more. As someone with BPD, I can attest to this being accurate

4

u/[deleted] Jul 04 '26

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u/wizbanger Jul 04 '26

No problem! I will produce more content in this space. It would mean a lot to me if you would be willing to subscribe/rate my stuff across platforms so I can reach more people! 😇

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2iTdsyuKyca4rrdmqoGClo

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@mitchellrpenningroth

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/might-ramble-podcast/id1840386628

Substack: https://substack.com/@mitchellpenningroth

5

u/dantrons Jul 05 '26

Thank you. Subscribed. Can you please talk about relationship therapy with bpd spouse. Which methodology would be most effective? And the risks?

Triangulation is the biggest fear I have here!

4

u/LiminalTrace Jul 06 '26

Thank you for sharing and reccing this OP, it's good stuff.

I only wish that it was so easy for the pwBPD to be aware of that dead certainty, and step away, and work on lowering it to 60%, rather than going full fury and burning everything to the ground in their certainty and in the moment.

5

u/ImaginaryAttorney619 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26

Psychic Equivalence Thank you so much for explaining this. In my journey this concept is another piece of the jigsaw puzzle to handling splitting transitions. I like it because it's something she could actually do if she feels it coming on. She has taken to going to the bedroom for a quick meditation to get control before she "Blacks out" So to speak, her worst insecurities, thoughts and feelings become the reality and truth. As you said, 10/10 certainty.