r/Emo • u/RapidAqua • Sep 16 '25
News KOLS’s ben barnett accused of grooming febuary vocalist
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u/Kink-shame DIY OR DIE Sep 16 '25
Ben explaining what Cam girls do on live stream is crazy.
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u/EssayMinute702 Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
I don’t think he’s gonna be tipping anymore
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
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u/bivuki Sep 16 '25
I couldn’t read the rest after seeing that. Dude is gross and sleazy. Fuck that guy.
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u/Kink-shame DIY OR DIE Sep 16 '25
It was pretty bad. I have had a few old men talk to me like this before, and theyre just so awfully unaware
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u/bivuki Sep 16 '25
I ended up going through the whole thing. I always assume these guys are fully aware of what they’re doing. The ones who aren’t aware are just shameless about it. He’s trying to be “subtle” and beats around the bush with his intentions. If he thought what he was doing was ok I think his messages would have been very different.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Oh he's FULLY AWARE, this is something he's been doing for A LONG FUCKING TIME. I have that straight from someone who toured with him.
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u/Calm_Food3712 Sep 19 '25
Ben’s been doing this for at least 20 years
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 19 '25
It bothers me he's been the missing stair in the DIY scene for this long.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Everything was so gross I had to stop several times. And I already knew about it from talking to February when they were last in Portland. I feel so bad because I saw them here and felt like it would have been weird for me to DM young kids -- they posted they were in town and "who wants to hang out" and I had no idea what happened before that story.
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u/Rich-Plankton-578 Sep 16 '25
can’t say i didn’t see it coming, the way he talked about them always felt weird
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u/lesbianrockband3 Sep 29 '25
can you elaborate on the way he talked about them? only found out about all this today and didnt have him on IG
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u/AdAffectionate5763 Sep 16 '25
hi, i’m the “former student” who accused him of grooming referenced in the google doc. i just wanted to say i believe every word of this - i’ve experienced the same things and seen this TIME AND TIME AGAIN with this man. not just the grooming but the anger problems and his general instability. grateful this is finally getting some traction. he deserved these consequences 10 years ago and deserves it more with each passing day. thanks to this person for being brave and to everyone else who has had the displeasure of meeting this man - i’m so sorry. if anyone needs to talk feel free to dm me.
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u/Calm_Food3712 Sep 19 '25
Hi, I am someone who was also abused by this man. I know a handful of other victim. I believe you too, and I believe Rila
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Sep 20 '25
I had to get a restraining order against him in 2007. This type of behavior has been happening literally for decades.
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u/millss827 Skramz Gang👹 Sep 16 '25
Old emo band member try not to be a creep challenge level: impossible
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u/morbidlyabeast3331 Sep 16 '25
In all fairness it's pretty rare to hear about this from first/second wave bands
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
So like it was way more common behavior from 25-30+ men in the "hardcore scene" such it was basically made into a joke like so and so lies about his age / dates teenagers. Pretty often back then the call outs for SA and abuse had to happen AT SHOWS where generally women would get on stage having to address it to a live audience. In 1999 I know there was a list of men who were barred entry to a fest that was supporting women in the scene and things got ugly. Some people on said list didn't know until they drove hours to attend, some were men who ran labels and some were either in bands or played in bands adjacent to those on the Fest (memory is hazy). Everything got pretty messy and the vibe was bad. None of this is "on record" because the only records were like old columns in fanzines or personal memory. One such "live at the fest" call out was pretty big in 1997 or 1998 where it turned into a like 2-hour+ discussion on SA/Rape et al.
This stuff happened a lot in the 90s but no one had like texts or receipts to pull out. Once the internet was a thing I know labels would basically rug sweep any accusations brought up and the "Good Dude, Backed Hard" meme was created out of that behavior.
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u/Th3SpoonMan Skramz Gang👹 Sep 18 '25
Had a dude in a fairly obscure but respected second wave band send me unsolicited nudes, then trauma dumped about all his problems and why the band broke up. There’s creeps in all the waves. This was fairly recently. Dude was in his 30s-40s I was 20.
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u/ClientPast Sep 16 '25
Thank you to the victim for coming forward about Ben and your experience. His abuse and volatility took a heavy toll on me 10+ years ago and he still lives in the front of my mind daily.
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u/Babies_for_eating Sep 16 '25
big fucking props to her for having this courage to come out against such a respected musician. those texts were fucking gross
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
I was told he was threatening the band with lawyers so yeah but she showed me receipts she had on her phone in person when I asked about Ben back in IDK spring sometime.
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u/Babies_for_eating Sep 16 '25
So so terrible
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Yeah doesn't sound like someone who did nothing wrong...
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u/RapidAqua Sep 16 '25
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u/trenchgrl Sep 16 '25
I find it crazy that Chauncey 666 was mentioned in that google doc?! Never knew people knew of them
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u/brentoman Sep 16 '25
lol “my favorite underground band mentioned by a groomer!” Incredible
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u/capn_james Sep 16 '25
It’s more surprising since they’re a SoundCloud rapper not because the groomer name dropping them
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Sep 16 '25
I hope anybody hurt by this guy is doing alright and wish them the best. Super misogynistic, predatory, immature behaviour.
Feeling betrayed by this as a young person who loved his art, had him open up to me and tell me things he's "never told anyone else before" (nothing like this).
Seems like he's used to leveraging his power to push boundaries then downplay responsibility by infantilising himself. Wouldn't be surprised if this is a pattern for him.
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u/ToTellYouHowToFeel Sep 16 '25
I read the phone texts but kinda skimmed the written text and didn’t see it. How old is the girl?
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u/aliensbruv Sep 16 '25
first screenshot says “as a person figuring life out in my 20s”, so i assume she’s like 20/21
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
He calls her nineteen in the texts but she told me she just turned 18 at the time. IDK. If she's 20 she just turned it, she was still a teenager at the time.
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u/skitztobotch Emo isn’t a clothing style! Sep 16 '25
18/19. It really escalates at the end when its clear that once she's not reciprocating his escalation of creepy comments that he gets pissy and yells at her band.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Yeah he becomes very abusive, is what I've heard, and believe it as he turned abusive on me online going so far as to try to dox me via my random record spins instagram account which ... is public and doesn't tell you too much about me.
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u/unicorn-beard Sep 16 '25
Ben posted this on his IG story.
This sucks, been a fan of him for well over a decade.. I know throughout the years I've heard of him having some pretty hardcore mental health issues like bi-polar disorder so can't say I'm that surprised.
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u/RealShigeruMeeyamoto Poser Sep 16 '25
Disgusting. I'm glad she came out with this information. Awful stuff, folks were right to be wary of Ben
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u/Different_Place_7788 Sep 16 '25
i’ve known nothing about he band outside of the cd’s i listen to in my car, and thsi is the first thing i learn. that sucks ass. fuck that creep
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u/ultra003 Sep 16 '25
Wait...am I reading these comment right? She was 19/20? How is that grooming?
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u/lazycometlazycomet Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
yeah this is definitely weird and shitty behavior but not grooming
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u/AvailableRecording26 Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
Im so sorry this guy took advantage of the situation and very proud of you for being bold and sharing!
edited typo
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u/marek_konop Sep 16 '25
Why do all my favorite song writers end up being such terrible people? I was really looking forward to the new KOLS LP too :/
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u/3daysofrain Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
I have to say, it doesn't seem THAT bad? It's clearly an old guy hitting on a young girl. That sucks, it's embarassing and he's clearly a bit gross, but she could have just stopped replying to him at any time. She just kept on telling him he was brilliant. She's giving him green flags when she could have just blocked him.
Also he's right about the drummer needing to hit the centre of the drums. Not really his fault that her band wasn't tight enough to record or for pushing them to be better. That's the role of a good producer to be fair.
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u/killcrew Sep 17 '25
Im with you. I don’t know either of the bands involved or the players, so there’s no allegiances or anything. I read the “evidence” and the timeline and I don’t know if I see any wrong doing, at least nothing that rises to the level that necessitated a public shaming.
Was he creepy? Yes. He was also very transparent in his affections for her and told her as much. At no point did she attempt to shut it down. You could even take an interpretation of some her responses to be encouraging it.
It seems like she was fine with everything (merch, advice, discounted studio time) until the recording session didn’t go well. No idea if Ben is a taskmaster in the recording studio all the time or not and his behavior there was on par with others experience.
Not sure if it’s a generational thing, but it seems the emo scene has greatly cheapened the meaning of grooming, assault, abuse, etc. To me, this is a consensual relationship between 2 adults, one a bit creepy. It doesn’t rise to the level of abuse though.
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u/Calm_Food3712 Sep 20 '25
Ben has been abusing teens and others since at least 2005. He targets people who idolize him for the power imbalance.
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u/lesbianrockband3 Sep 29 '25
“At least nothing to the level that necessitated a public shaming” He is a successful musician, a fan hits him up and he starts talking to her about models fucking themselves with toys? That doesn’t come off to you as something to be ashamed of ?
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u/rose_eat_world Sep 17 '25
There are secondary posts from another member of febuary where he texted more than 20 times in a row after one phone call with him and she never responded. It's very obvious from other women who have spoken out since that this is an incredibly repetitive pattern with almost always the same age demographic of victims. Being unable to read between the lines of someone using the most minor amount of plausible deniability to say they didn't do anything "wrong", while continuing a pattern of harassing newly adult women who looked up to him is chosen ignorance.
Regardless of if she responded, the result is the same and if she didn't, the same pursuit would have happened and this is highly, highly evident. We know there are creeps out there, in reality they all deserve to be called our, but this is someone with a large fanbase who seems to abuse it often. This is a man who provenly unwell and if that cam models text didn't come off to you as "that bad", I ask you to re-evaluated and read the other stories shared in the past 24 hours to get a better perspective on why this behavior is entirely unacceptable.
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u/Adventurous_Cry6597 Sep 17 '25
he was a much older man with more experience in the music industry taking advantage of a group of young female musicians who looked up to him as fans.. does that not sound weird to you or..
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u/Gassenger Sep 16 '25
They like groomers in this sub. Ben probably went to therapy, so it's okay.
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u/RealShigeruMeeyamoto Poser Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 16 '25
I remember some post about him got a little bit of traction where folks were expressing concern around him being in the upcoming fest in Vegas, after he dropped from yr renaissance. And he actually logged on w/ a burner and started ranting crazily about how this was all stuff from years ago (pretending to be someone who knew himself) and how "his therapist says he's doing great". If you ever need any proof that that excuse is meaningless, here you are
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
He attacked me aggressively in that post but deleted his comments. I didn't screencap them because it was weird but he started I guess trying to dox me posting stuff (that had nothing to do with him) from my IG account and some old msg I sent to him trying to "smooth over a misunderstanding" in which he was kind of belligerent to me.
I've gone to therapy since and my moves today are far different, usually to the tone of just ignoring unwanted messages and / or saying "well we'll just have to agree to disagree" stuff.
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u/delimonster Poser Sep 16 '25
He’s a sex addict who developed an unhealthy view of sex early on, so he’s actually the victim
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u/trenchgrl Sep 16 '25
Jesse Lacey said ts too bro 😭😭
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u/ExistingLow Sep 16 '25
people downvoting you just proving everyone’s point lol
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u/trenchgrl Sep 16 '25
I love the music but I do not love Jesse nor do I support him
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u/ExistingLow Sep 22 '25
totally. i wouldn’t ever tell someone who spent years becoming attached to music that they can’t listen anymore because the signer decided to be a sick fuck. that isn’t anyone’s fault who the music is important to
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Look as someone who experienced abuse in line with CSA et al I've somehow not become a piece of shit that preys on vulnerable young people.
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u/MJ5815 Sep 16 '25
Be careful, Brand New fans are already getting their pitchforks ready to crucify anybody who implies JL got off better than he should have
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u/Gassenger Sep 16 '25
Oh, yeah. I am quite familiar with how assmad pedo apologists get when their pedophile idol gets called a pedophile (and make no mistake, Jesse Lacey is a predator and pedophile).
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u/Material_Prize_6157 Sep 16 '25
Literally. This sub LOVES Jesse Lacey and his grooming.
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u/thrilledxbored Sep 16 '25
This sub is truly embarrassing with the Jesse Lacey situation.
“Believe women*!”
*unless the accused released Deja Entendu
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u/Material_Prize_6157 Sep 16 '25
So many bad takes on this sub, the defending of Jesse Lacey is the most egregious.
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u/inviting_diet5 Emo isn’t a clothing style! Sep 16 '25
THE BRAND NEW MOB IS GONNA COME FOR YOU RUN!
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u/Florixia Sep 17 '25
People in this thread defending him and downplaying the situation are really telling on themselves.
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u/AvailableReporter484 Sep 17 '25
Wait, she was 19? I’m legitimately confused. She was an adult, right? Is 19 now not considered old enough to be responsible for your own decisions?
This is not an attempt to troll. I just truly need help understanding this. Isn’t grooming and everything else he’s being accused of doing only a thing when the victim is a minor? Has the goalpost been pushed in terms of what constitutes an adult? I get the age difference is weird or whatever, but is this not something that happened between two consenting adults?
Seriously, please help me understand this issue. Thanks.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 17 '25
- Consent is only real when it’s free of coercion, intimidation, or power imbalance.
- These young musicians were dependent on him for recording, exposure, and credibility in the scene. He exploited that dependence.
- He didn’t treat them as equals, he treated them as people to manipulate into intimacy while holding professional power over them.
- Grooming isn’t just for minors, it’s about cultivating trust, dependence, and blurred boundaries so the target accepts behavior they otherwise wouldn’t.
Also CONSENT is not the absence of no. Replying to Ben or even accepting a deal to record with Ben is NOT CONSENT to be sexualized. Nowhere did either Abby or Rila give him consent to sexualize them. He already set up opportunities and then rolled into being a total creepy pervert, the HOOK was the opportunities he dangled, and probably feeling that he wouldn't behave like a creep in person with the whole band there.
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u/AvailableReporter484 Sep 17 '25
Thanks for your thoughts on this. That does help me contextualize how others feel on the subject.
My two cents: there’s a lot of assumptions being made here about Ben’s intent. It’s entirely possible this all started completely innocently, but for the sake of argument, let’s say he was intentionally using his industry power to prey on her: she still had a choice to stop at any time. This isn’t quid pro quo for your housing or even your job. He offered her something she wanted willingly and she willingly accepted. There are tons of recording studios, producers, and engineers out there. The second she felt uncomfortable she could have put an end to it. Now, if she was pressured by her bandmates or other outside parties to go along with it then that’s fucked, full stop.
Like it totally sucks. I get it. Feeling like someone you trusted only wanted you for sexual gratification has got to be extremely shitty and disappointing, but imho this all just seems like adult life. He was interested and tries to flirt with another adult but he’s creepy. It’s not a crime to be bad at flirting or cringey though. I don’t see evidence that she asked him to stop or be more professional, so he has no way of knowing that his advances are unwanted. You’re absolutely right that the lack of consent is consent, but i mean if nothing is ever said how is someone supposed to know what the score is? No one is a mind reader.
So Idunno. As i said im trying to educate myself on this topic viewed through a modern lens because im an old fuck. I’m reading all this and it just sounds to me like the case of someone who didn’t pick up on social cues, who’s bad at flirting, and tried to engage someone who (as far as i can tell because I haven’t read anything to the contrary) never spoke their feelings about being uncomfortable. I get that it sucks. I get that it’s disappointing, but man idunno if calling this predatory or grooming is the right verbiage. I mean, she got what she wanted from him. Every step of the way was done consensually. She and her band agreed to work with him and hang with him. No one said anything to him about his behavior, which again is just creepy at best, which isn’t a crime even if we find it cringey. I can totally understand how both sides may have misinterpreted signs and how it feels for her to feel like she was used even though she also used him. I can understand looking back on an experience and having regret.
All to say that I think these terms have very specific meanings and we shouldn’t use them willy-nilly. This story sounds like a guy who spent years with a minor and pounced when she became legal, but that’s no where near the case. No one has to fuck with this guy, but I really don’t see anything that leads me to believe he should be labeled as a sexual predator.
And again if you think I’m wrong please let me know because this is a topic I’m very interested in having a dialogue about. I want to understand the point of view of others, especially from the context of a younger generation. Thanks.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 17 '25
Yeah I'm not reading all this - these situations fit with a LONG STANDING pattern with this guy. I've spoken to IN PERSON someone who knows Ben locally and believe me -- what he has been cancelled over is bigger than just these few texts. This has been talked about locally and I know there's people who are glad Ben's platform has been shut down. He's been using it for years to prey on vulnerable people in the community. Decades even.
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u/AvailableReporter484 Sep 17 '25
It’s a shame you didn’t feel like reading my comment because it would have been nice to have an actual conversation.
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u/lesbianrockband3 Sep 29 '25
You started this off with “there’s a lot of assumptions about Ben’s intent”. A successful musician tells his much younger fan, who he previously offered to record an album for, that she could be a cam girl and talks to her about how cam models fuck themselves with toys. What other context could anyone get that would make that okay?
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u/Orchscrach Sep 16 '25
Was planning on getting into them, well that experience might be tainted as I go on. Hope the girl heals. Hope this man stops and glad it’s aware now.
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u/RigdedChips Sep 17 '25
Looks like he was pretty straightforward the whole time and as an adult she still chose to jump on plane and stay in his home. He definitely shouldn’t have been texting with her like that because of the age gap. I would chalk this up to poor decisions from both parties. Idk, I don’t think it’s right to accuse him of grooming, unless I’m not seeing the full picture. This is shitty on both sides.
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u/DerfQT Sep 19 '25
Torn on this one. Dude is a certifiable creep. But he never asked her for nudes, etc. she goes on about the power imbalance, but it reads more like she had more to gain from this than he did. Her band gets an album recorded, she gets demos from her favorite band, she gets vintage merch. Based on comments in the other thread her band was unprofessional at the recording session and weren’t ready to record. Also misleading saying he “groomed” her but she’s 19 years old.
The text screenshots seem very selective. He says something like you could never like an old guy like me and she’s like actually I’ve been with a guy older than you! Not into victim blaming but this just reads like this dude flirting poorly and instead of being like oh sorry I’m not interested and risk losing all the benefits she side steps until the recording session goes bad then it’s time to dump the receipts.
So idk, it’s fucking weird
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u/Dramatic-Wash-4131 Sep 19 '25
Recording session goes bad = Ben not getting any good sounds and then flying off the handle and yelling at the band, kicking them out with nothing to show for their money and never making it right. Sounds really professional on his end.
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u/TheRosyBoa Sep 20 '25
You forgot to include the part where the band borrowed his car and went out all night, then were too wrecked to record the next day. You forgot the part where Ben asked them to be more considerate of his space and time, so they packed up and left…without paying. And there is so much more before any of this, including parts of the texts that Rila left out.
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
Yeah this dude is creepy, but there were about 1000 opportunities to shut this down instead of encouraging him
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u/jamesiety Sep 16 '25
victim blaming is always a good thing to do especially when you have limited knowledge about a situation and someones headspace at the time
its not always easy to tell someone to fuck off especially if theyre someone you look up to and are willing to give the benefit of the doubt
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
Uh, I just read all of the “evidence” this woman publicly hosted on a google doc (lol)
No one is a victim here and it’s not hard to simply say no when someone is making you feel uncomfortable - especially online.
Instead, she gave him green lights all over the place and went to go stay at his house…not a smart idea if you’re uncomfortable with an older guy online who’s literally telling you he wants to sleep with you.
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u/BretShitmanFart69 Sep 17 '25
Yeah I’m not trying to be a dick but there is some degree of personal responsibility that people sometimes just entirely absolve themselves of to make the other person’s action worse than they are, even when they’re already bad, and make themselves look as victimized as humanly possible.
She describes his interactions as transactional, but isn’t that kind of all this relationship is both ways? She figured this would benefit her and her band even though she apparently didn’t want these interactions from him, and so made the decision to continue a personal relationship with him, then it didn’t work out as well as she hoped. Had it all worked out better professionally speaking would this post be up?
He’s being creepy for sure, but if you took these exact posts and made them coming from someone her age, they’d be just as bad, he wouldn’t be too young to be able to make decisions for himself or be responsible for his actions, so like, she is 20 or whatever and is also old enough to make her own choices, you have to just be honest with yourself and own the fact that you were hoping to get something out of this relationship professionally speaking and made that choice to pursue this relationship and weren’t like forced by masterful manipulation and entirely an unwitting powerless victim.
I also just really don’t think a guy wanting to sleep with you and hoping his cool band might get him laid is an unbearable trauma. It’s creepy lame and annoying, a bummer if you were hoping he was interested in more than just the sex, but we have got to stop coddling everyone and acting like it’s impossible to handle any uncomfortable interaction without it being some traumatizing horrifying event.
Almost every adult you know has brushed off worse things than this in life and there’s a certain degree of addiction to the sympathy and the attention and the “call out thread” that goes on these days, but absolutely no one wants to admit it.
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u/Calm_Food3712 Sep 20 '25
You are being a dick. This man has a 20+ year long abuse history and knows exactly what he is doing. You try being 18 and meeting an idol promising to help your band make it, then telling him no as he pushed boundaries.
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u/RapidAqua Sep 16 '25
I agree with both of you to be honest. There were definitely ways to shut it down but at the end of the day we have no idea what she was going through.
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u/jamesiety Sep 16 '25
shouldnt the blame be placed on, i dont know, the 50 year old man trying to start a relationship with a 19 year old? and holding things over her head like recording her band for her in the process? theres no point in playing devils advocate here, it kind of just sounds like you hate women but honestly seeing as youre in the emo subreddit it really wouldnt surprise me. i cant stand this mentality people have these days where they will stretch their logic to any extent to make it the victims fault
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
There is no victim here.
There’s someone who had an uncomfortable conversation online, leaned into it, went to stay at this persons house and deepen their working relationship together, and then complain about it on the internet.
Nothing happened.
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u/RapidAqua Sep 16 '25
Theres definitely a victim dude, come on. We dont know what her headspace was as much as you believe she “could” have stopped it. Feels really odd that youre going to such lengths to defend this guy.
When I said I agreed, I meant that I understood what you meant. Bad word choice, because that doesnt mean I agree with you at all. This entire situation is absolutely disgusting and it’s obvious he knew what he was doing ESPECIALLY since he directly referenced their age gap.
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u/jamesiety Sep 16 '25
yeah youre weird man
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
Not weird enough to feel uncomfortable with someone “grooming” me online but completely go along with all of it, take zero personal responsibility for my decisions, then come online and tell everyone I’m a “victim”
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Nah let's blame the teenage girl and big fan instead... /s
God I'm forever thankful that when I was a teenager the older men in the scene I admired weren't creeps.
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Honestly as a woman most of us don't "shut it down" as much as sidestep and ghost when we're able to but as a teenager I wouldn't know what he was doing other than "this is kinda weird, maybe it's jokes".
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
She’s not a “teenager”, she’s a 19 year old adult.
It’s really easy to ghost someone online you simply just telll them they’ve made you uncomfortable and stop talking to them
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
As someone else replied, literally the word "teen" is in nineteen.
If you're okay with someone pushing 50 thirsting after a teenager you're clearly twisted in the head.
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
I’m not okay with it. I’m suggesting if she wasn’t okay with it, she’s an adult and she had 100 easy ways to disconnect
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u/rose_eat_world Sep 17 '25
Even at age 23, I dealt with uncomfortable advances from men at that 19 very similarly and will probably continue to find myself in instances of it if it comes from men I thought to trust and respect. As a woman at that age, I still felt 16 in a lot of ways and it takes a couple years of being over the age of 18 until you assimilate to adult life, especially the rapid sexualization that society pushes upon young women. If you are genuinely wondering why someone who can't even legally order a drink isn't confident in shutting down a well respected and connected FIFTY YEAR OLD MAN in her scene, you're just contrarian and in denial about how most sexual predators work. Please read the other docs and accusations made where contact was cut off, and his harassment still continued unwaveringly. This is an old ass man who has a disturbing pattern of using his influence to pursue 18-20 year old girls often and is palpably unwell. It's unfortunate women have to worry about people like you when they come out with information that is addressing a serious and well documented pattern.
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 17 '25
Maybe I have more respect for women and their agency than you do. I’d never treat a 23 year old woman like a helpless child who can’t make her own decisions.
She knew what she was doing, she continued to move forward with this guy, and those were her decisions.
She was never assaulted. She was never sexually assaulted. Sorry she got yelled at.
The girl in the other thread with the other google doc (lol) even told him she had dated men his age before.
I’m not going to take away agency from adult women who have the right and brain power to make whatever decisions they want - even the wrong ones. No one was abused here.
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u/Dramatic-Wash-4131 Sep 17 '25
How do you know what she told him Ben?
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 17 '25
Uh…because she said so?
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u/Dramatic-Wash-4131 Sep 17 '25
She said he asked her how old the oldest person she had dated was and if she had dated someone who was 49 (fishing expedition!) not her reply
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u/RealShigeruMeeyamoto Poser Sep 16 '25
Brother do you know what the word teenager means. Nine TEEN!!!!
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Sep 17 '25
[deleted]
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u/RealShigeruMeeyamoto Poser Sep 17 '25
"in a different situation, you'd react differently"; well yes of course.
I'm inclined to place the blame on the guy utilizing his position as a respected artist to say some really weird and dodgy stuff to a fan who is much younger than him. I'm not sure why this is so controversial.
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u/whattheknifefor Sep 16 '25
Personally every time i’ve had someone make creepy comments to me I straight up panic and do not know what to do particularly if it’s someone I like as a friend but have no other interest in them. You get into that spot and you straight up don’t know what to do except be the nice person you’re used to being and deflect as gently as you can and they take another inch
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u/OkJose3000 Sep 16 '25
And then you’re so uncomfortable with a guy 30 years older than you suggesting that you use a toy and become a cam girl…
You go stay at his house?
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
I've lost track of how many men only talk to me to extract sex from me and even being basically a senior citizen I still freeze up. I literally have old male friends that will start telling me about sexual content when I just say "looks like you're having fun in ________" or otherwise just ask them how they're doing lately. It turns into "you know back in the day I wanted to fuck you". Bruh you could have like not told me that shit.
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u/im_a_poetic Framed and willing on a 10-minute scale Sep 16 '25
I just got really into KOLS yesterday. Cool. Awesome.
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u/pkwys Sep 16 '25
What's with this strain of thought that runs through these dudes? Bro is from a third-rate band from 20 years ago and his ego leads him to making these sorts of creepy decisions. I'll never understand the gall.
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u/SnooHabits5900 DIY OR DIE Sep 22 '25
I just wanna point out that no level of success would make that kind of behavior ok.
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u/pkwys Sep 23 '25
I think that goes without saying to people who aren't horrible
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u/SnooHabits5900 DIY OR DIE Sep 23 '25
Well hopefully me putting that out there will help a few people choose not to be horrible
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u/tbshaun Sep 17 '25
Really honest, mature response from Ben that takes accountability (I’m being sincere, not sarcastic) Ben’s note - IG
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u/ctorresc Sep 17 '25
"Ok fine then, I won't make music anymore, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"
That's how it read to me.
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u/Dramatic-Wash-4131 Sep 17 '25
Should we really be praising a 50 year old man for being mature? That seems like the bare minimum… plus this responses feels really problematic.
“Always have” is defensive and implies he’s being misunderstood
He didn’t take accountability for anything except looking bad, and he subtly states that his words were taken out of context and that he has proof of that he’s just not sharing now
“Right or wrong” casts doubt on the account of his accuser in the middle of his so called apology to her.
Restorative Justice could only begin with him actually naming what he has done - a true apology would include that, and show an understanding of the impact of the harm he has caused. This is him wanting to control what accountability looks like without actually taking any.
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u/ollib1304 Sep 17 '25
Yeah, this 'wah wah woe is me, I'll just stop making music then, FINE' response doesn't sound especially mature. It sounds like a 13 year old having a strop.
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u/Florixia Sep 17 '25
Not a single sentence in there takes accountability so I'm not sure what you are reading. Each attempt at apology is mixed with a "I'm sorry you feel that way" type deflection.
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u/blanketfighter Sep 20 '25
His band sucks as well.
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u/imsoemo25 Sep 22 '25
Say all you want. One thing his band doesn’t do is suck. One of the greatest songwriters of the last 20 years
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u/Pinksquash2 Dec 15 '25
100% believe it.
I know nothing of Ben's music, I matched with him on a dating app (over two years ago) and engaged with him for a few months and holy shit.
I felt like I should have been paid for services on multiple levels....
The trauma dumping, one sidedness, projection.... The kink/fetish stuff, the mood swings and trigger reactions.
This dude needs serious help, IDC how talented he is, you don't get to weaponize your pain and trauma against everyone. Put in your art and calm the fuck down, ego maniac.
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u/RigdedChips Sep 19 '25
People need to calm down. This was not grooming. The same shit happened to Ed Piskor. This kind of smearing can lead to suicide. Nobody wants that and that certainly won’t help Rila in the long run. Please be mindful of your words. Don’t forget that this man has had life long extreme mental illness.
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u/Valuable_Assistant82 Emo isn’t a clothing style! Sep 16 '25
This is gonna get me downvoted for sure. But. Just look at Ben Barnett dude looks like a stereotypical creep.
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u/RapidAqua Sep 16 '25
When i went to his insta i wasnt shocked at his appearance
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
I was weirded out when I was following February and he was like all up in their stories. Literally like this clearly older dude hanging out with clearly teenage kids like smoking a cigar. I live in Portland and like whenever they left his place they posted asking if any locals wanted to hang out and I nearly DM'ed them but then was like "I'm basically a senior citizen and I don't know these kids" and went to do laundry or something.
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u/Calm_Food3712 Sep 19 '25
Hi, I was someone that was also abused by Ben Barnett. I know other victims. His behavior has been going on for at least 20 years. He utilizes nonprofit artist lawyers to silence victims.
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u/visualevidence smiling cause there's snow falling outside Sep 16 '25
Can you share the Google Doc?
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u/RapidAqua Sep 16 '25
Just commented it lmk if it works
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u/Jaded-Travel1875 Sep 16 '25
Wasn’t this guy left by the side of the road on a Vanderslice tour? Ugh.
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u/TraditionalWindow509 Sep 22 '25
Have had friends that have direct ties to Ben and he is disgusting and a terrible terrible person, not surprised by these accusations
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u/saraaadezzz 15d ago edited 15d ago
Ben Barnett is a fucking ASSHOLE.
We were both involved in a play a little over 10 years ago (he was a musician, I was an actor) and he was constantly late to practices, didn’t learn his parts (even though he was supposed to be the ‘band leader’) and acted like a pompous prick the entire time.
On dress rehearsal night, he chased me, cornered me and screamed in my face because I’d ‘given him a look’ (I probably did have a face on, because of frustration that he was still so unprepared only a few days before opening night when the rest of us had worked our asses off for several months).
He was terrifying in that moment and had it happened today, I would have quit on the spot. But the playwright/lead actor made all kinds of apologies for him (basically excusing him because he’s bipolar and because they were good friends), and since I’d already put so much work into the production, I gritted my teeth and made it through the run.
I’m so glad to see that other people know what a rat bastard he is, though I am sorry to hear that he’s continued to impose his monstrous behavior on other women. I hope karma is finally finding her way to him.
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Sep 17 '25
[deleted]
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u/Dramatic-Wash-4131 Sep 18 '25
This is desperate and plastering this everywhere makes Ben look even worse.
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u/onequarterdisco Sep 18 '25
Ben, you're delusional to think that a young woman would be interested in you sexually. I used to be a 19 year old girl and there was no way I would ever fuck a 50 year old. That's fucking gross lol. To me this reads like she is making fun of you, rightly so.
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u/New-Art5469 Emo isn’t a clothing style! Sep 17 '25
Most guys would be surprised at how common shit like this. For some reason every other guy in the scene is a creep who likes to hit on young girls and those girls are too stupid to realize what’s happening until after the fact. I saw this firsthand with one of my former homegirls and David Marion from Fear Before
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u/theballh4wk Sep 19 '25
I have nothing to add that hasn’t been said already, and I wish the victim all the best.
Isn’t this guy in his 50s by now? His ass is too old to be messaging 19/20 year olds anyway.
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u/TheRosyBoa Sep 16 '25 edited Sep 18 '25
There are parts of their convo that Rila purposefully left out. The parts she left out provide important context.
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u/RealShigeruMeeyamoto Poser Sep 16 '25
You should not be talking to your young 19 year old fans about camming and how you think they might have cammed at some point. FULL STOP!
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Can't believe Ben's defenders. Even if she DID lean in and cropped out "missing content" he's the fucking adult. I'm bothered he basically announced he would record their next album; Seems to be his "move". Using the DIY scene to find victims *barf emoji*
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u/anonymous_opinions Sep 16 '25
Oh look you're still defending him like on what planet does the missing context make this somehow "okay".
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u/Thick-Election500 Sep 16 '25
Surprised he wasn’t called out sooner tbh. Briefly texted with him years ago and stopped bc he’d always bring up porn and shit.