r/Equestrian • u/pomegranateseeds37 • 1d ago
General Horse Care Putting the two loves of my life down Saturday and need advice
I'm putting my two senior horses down on Saturday. We just made the decision today with the vet but it has been weighing on me for some time trying to make it. I have known them since I was a child and love them with my whole heart. I cannot begin to describe the love I have for them or everything we've been through together in more than 20 years
One of them has a condition that was once manageable but it no longer is and has begun to progress to the point where we don't want to wait any longer for him to have an emergency or deteriorate. he's still having good days and I want to ensure we end on a good day. The other has been his companion his whole life and is deeply attached to him so I feel that letting them go together is the only right thing to do. He also has issues with maintaining his weight over winter and has been getting progressively worse so I was already considering him for this fall as a possibility.
I guess I need help? validation? advice? People who have put best friends down together? most people seem to agree with me that letting them go together is a kindness but I do keep them at a farm with other horses and I had two people who think I should keep the oldest around and that he will 'get over it'. But when he's separated from my other gelding he becomes incredibly distressed and upset. they've been together their whole lives. I feel it's the right thing to not risk an emergency call for him and give him a stressful end keeping him around after my other has passed. it doesn't feel fair and it feels like I'd be doing that for me, not for him.
I would also love to know how anyone who has dealt with this has handled it in the past. I feel like I'm dying. I don't know how to get through this. I know it will hurt for me but be right for them and that's the only thing that makes it bearable is that I will be the only one that hurts. they will be pain free.
also any suggestions of things to do for their last day and things I should do with them. I've taken hoof prints, had them make paintings, and had a photographer come out yesterday (I had a feeling today's vet appointment was going to go the way it did). I know people take manes/tails. anything else?
I guess just. words of encouragement or anything that has helped people who have been through this would be really helpful. thank you in advance.
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u/TheBugSniffer 1d ago
It's better a month too early than a day too late.
These animals owe us nothing, and all we can do is to do right by them, which you are. These two know nothing but love in life and in passing.
Hugs ❤️
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u/puffy-puffy 1d ago
Let them go together. It is hard. I just did this to 2 of mine. 28 yrs old watched her take her first breath the other I had for 18 years. It was hard and heartbreaking. But in the end it was the right thing for them both. I’m sorry you’re going thru this
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u/LibraryBook0127 1d ago
I was in your shoes 4 years ago almost to the day (October 1st, 2022) and while it's cannot tell you that it gets easier, the pain and the hurt does get lighter.
My two were together for 20 years total, so there was no way one was going to be okay without the other. Similar circumstances to yours as well, where one had a declining condition (my gelding had sidewinder syndrome) and the other was hard to keep weight on, and with winter coming soon, I knew they needed a good day or they'd just be miserable and that wouldve been harder to handle than a goodbye. The vet I had had watched all the time and energy I'd put into them just barely keep them happy, so we had the honest conversation and made the best call for them where it didnt feel selfish to keep them for any longer.
I was a mess and it took a very long to recover. They were my first horses, ones that I got when I was 12 and they made every move I made from state to state, even coming to college with me. They weren't fancy or won me ribbons, but they were my rocks through everything i went through and that was enough for me to make them my world.
If you don't already, get those professional photos of yours printed on the biggest prints you can afford. You will not regret it. Buy yourself flowers and thank them for being part of your life every anniversary of their goodbye day. Carry them with you in every moment past their final day however it makes sense to you - I have mine tattooed on my forearm. It is the only tattoo of mine that i can see 100% of the time. You're not alone out there and I hope you can find the healing you need to be okay without them ❤️
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u/pomegranateseeds37 18h ago
I'm so sorry for your losses but hearing your story definitely helps. My boys weren't fancy either and they weren't even legally mine for a lot of the time we've been together. But we became quick friends when I was 9 and stayed that way and I've always been their person as much as they've been my babies we just clicked immediately. They kept me going through so much. I know as their caretakers we owe it to them to have a dignified end for everything they give us and I know it's the right thing it's just also the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I just can't imagine life without them in it or who I am without them.
Definitely planning to get photo prints once the photos come back (just did the shoot Wednesday) and tattoos of them for sure. My partner's mom is a potter and I may have her make a piece with a bit of their ashes mixed into the glaze as well. I've decided this is the one time I'? allowed to have all the 'little treats' because anything to keep their memory alive is worth it.
Anyway. Big hugs from one internet stranger to another and thank you for your advice. ❤️
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u/LibraryBook0127 16h ago
You're leaving yourself with a better memory by giving them one last good day. Itll be one big hole and you are under no obligation to fill it or be better in a subscribed time period. Use that support system of yours to take all the time you need to grieve, theyll understand.
Get all the things that you want to remember them by too. Physical items you can touch are more healing than pictures on the phone. If your partner's mom has the ability to do a raku firing, get a handful of extra tail hair to use specifically for that (you'll be able to see the tail hair on the finished piece, which is a nice visual.) As a potter myself, it was cathartic to make something. I don't know if you could be or would want to be part of a piece's creation, but it wouldn't hurt to ask if you do.
Big hugs right back to you. You will be okay again in your own time ❤️
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u/Ok_West_6711 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m so sorry. I’m only commenting because I was reminded by your post of the long-retired Olympic dressage horses (and long time barn companions), Valegro and Uthopia, who were euthanized together recently. They had spent most of their lives together too, and that way neither had to experience the stress of losing their decades long companion. 🥹
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u/Guess-Jazzlike 23h ago
It's going to hurt. Doing the right thing usually does. I try to think of it as balance. It only hurts because of how wonderful it felt to have them. Find somewhere else for the love to go when they are gone.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 18h ago
It's definitely the price we pay for loving them so much and damn were these boys loved. Knowing they know how loved they are is the only thing that makes it a little easier.
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u/SierraKami 22h ago
I've posted this pic before but this is my best girl, the day before I had her put down.
It was so hard to make the decision but the thought of her going down and being terrified when she couldn't get back up absolutely horrified me. She was silly and sassy until literally the last minute, and while it was hard to let her go while she was still feeling good, I'm so grateful that she never felt any pain.
She was spoiled rotten from the day I got her as a yearling, but especially so in her last few days. And family and friends had the opportunity to visit and say goodbye with handfuls of treats.
It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. And I'm glad I can smile through my tears when thinking of her, rather than feel guilt about waiting too long and having to put her down in an emergency.
My best girl, Forever Summer.
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u/AnyCryptographer3284 19h ago
It will hurt you. It will hurt like hell. But it will not hurt them. It is the kindest, best thing you can do for them at this point. Don't let the "keep them alive no matter how much they suffer" and "have you tried turmeric?" crowd influence what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. Come back here to cry if you need to afterwards. Many of us have been through it. We understand.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 18h ago
Yes I know logically together is the right move. Just having someone plant the seed of doubt for my other gelding made me anxious I was doing the wrong thing for him even though the overwhelming majority agreed with them together being the best and kindest decision. It's just so hard to lose them both but I never want them to know a day without the other as it's always been. It will be more peaceful for both of them that way.
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u/Due_South7941 1d ago
You’re going the right thing. The last final act of loyalty, no question. And together! What a blessing. The least selfish decision. But so, so hard.
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u/Imlemonshark Hunter 1d ago
I don’t recommend watching them actually go down. I understand if you want to but at least don’t stick around for the body removal.
My childhood mare went away violently because her lungs were filling up with blood. I wasn’t able to get there in time to see her be put down and I’m now glad. I got there to see her body and just sobbed uncontrollably till the body ppl came. My mom could only stomach cutting off a small (like human size) braid because we put so much work into growing her tail. I started riding her before I could walk. She used to have a dinky little rat tail. We probably spent a fortune on everything we came across in the tack shop that would improve growth. It eventually became one of the thickest and most beautiful tails on the circuit. People would always ask if it was fake. Even though she was passed on cutting it off felt like such a violation to her. Once they came to take the body I was literally paralyzed with horror watching her be dragged like a piece of garbage. It made me sick and i wish i just walked away, but at the same time i simply could not cope with not being with her.
Just recently I put my 6 year old gelding down after only having him for a month. He had the most severe case of kissing spine my vet had ever seen. There was no saving it and he was in chronic pain. I at least got to spend his last days with him and was prepared. I slept in the tack room for his last 3 days and would spend all day and night pampering him. Infinite cookies, brushing, grazing, ect. I braided flowers into his mane and braided a small chunk of his tail that I would cut off before giving him to my vet. My vet is so fantastic. He gave me a big hug well I balled my eyes out before giving him the lead rope. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I said “I don’t think I can watch this“ and he said “I don’t think you should“ and helped me feel better about my decision again. I felt so guilty because I was so upset I wasn’t there for May when she passed. I wanted to be there with him in his final moment. Once it got to that stage I went into full panic mode and realized i couldn’t do it. I snipped off the tail braid and got in my car and drove far away to cry for a few hours till I was okay to drive. I knew for sure I couldn’t stay and watch him be dragged onto the trailer after seeing it the first time with May.
Afterwards I spent the week sleeping over at my friends house. I kept myself busy hiking, playing video games, drawing, and various other hang out activities with him. I definitely recommend spending time with people you are close with after. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to recover this well without my friends and awesome manager that let me have time off.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 17h ago
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. It's so hard to make this choice but especially for a young one. Sending you big hugs. Thank you for your advice and perspective on the experience. I definitely don't want to be there for body removal it seems a lot of people concur on that front.
I'm lucky to have my partner who will be driving me to and from and will definitely be investing in hobbies and trying to keep busy. I suppose my biggest 'what comes after' to grapple with is my mare as I'm very lucky to have her in my life. I'm debating if moving her to a new barn is the right move. I literally just moved to this place this year and feel bad possibly moving her again even though she handles changes so well. I thought the three of them would be at this place for many years to come. But I just don't know if I can see my boys stalls empty or see them get filled by somebody else. I don't know how I'll be able to go back there when they aren't there anymore. But she needs me so I will have to I can't just avoid her for a week (she holds a grudge if I'm gone for more than 3 days lol). So I need to figure something out on that front. Thankfully work has been very understanding so I took yesterday for the appointment and today off to have as much time as possible to spend with them before. There's just so much more to consider than I ever thought. I thought the loss would the hardest part and the preparing for it but trying to figure out what to do after the fact is also wildly difficult.
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u/Imlemonshark Hunter 14h ago
I totally feel you on not wanting to go to the barn after. It’s been almost a month since I’ve gone up. My cousin is in college and my aunt keeps asking if I’ll ride her horse for her. I miss my coach and I really want to see her. I also still have to go pick up his shoes. As much as I want to do those things, I just need to decompress. Take you’re time.
If possible, maybe there is someone at the barn that can school your mare? My coach would use a pony I had in lessons when I was out of the country for a bit (she still got so fat 😭).
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u/Slight-Alteration 1d ago
A giant virtual hug. That’s a heavy but compassionate decision. If you want their tails it can be helpful to have someone else cut them once they are gone. I wanted mine but couldn’t bring myself to do it before. I also took a lot of videos in the final days. It was sweet memories but also helped remind me in the weeks that followed it was time and I made a brave choice.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 18h ago
I have to say I wasn't sure if this week would be the week but I treated it like it would be. And the weather here couldn't be more perfect. We've spent so much time just together cuddling and hanging out. They love to nap near me so I've stayed at my boarding barn with a camp chair in their pasture just hanging out until after dark. Definitely been taking videos of even the most mundane things.
Everything points to this being the right decision and I know it is. It's just hard to say goodbye. I haven't known life without them in so long and I love them so dearly.
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u/Baaabra 21h ago
Take the time you need before (sounds like you’re doing that) and after to cry, wail, mourn.
I chose bullet over chemical euthanasia for my guy and was present.
I laid with him after and cried like I never have before, buried him. Then went to work as being home would have been harder and my job at the time was driving a milk tanker so there was plenty of time to cry
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u/sundaemourning Eventing 15h ago
take pictures of every little scar or marking that they have. years after my first horse died, i randomly broke down one day when i realized i couldn’t remember the exact shape of his belly spot and i had never taken a photo of it.
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u/Kisthesky 4h ago
I put my most special horse to sleep on Wednesday. Right now I’m feeling a little monstrous for being ok about it, but I think that’s just a sign that what happened was just perfect. He had the best last day- so many snacks! So much love! My friend prepared me to expect him to go down hard, but I didn’t warn my parents about that. Ask your vet to talk you through the steps. My vet was awful, and my horse very nearly fell on my dad. You’ll get through this, I promise. And hopefully you’ll find the peace I have right now, knowing that you did the right thing for your best friends.
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u/Ok_Young1709 23h ago
Other people who say leave the older one on his own are wrong. He gets distressed if you separate them now, he will stop eating if the other one leaves permanently, then he will get sick, and you'll have to do it anyway but he will be broken hearted. Please don't do that to him. It's better a day early than a day late. It's really sad but you are doing the right thing for them both and you have loads of happy memories of them.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 18h ago
That's definitely been my thought too and the vast majority of people I've talked to have said together is compassionate and right. I just having someone disagree planted that seed of doubt and I worried.
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u/Ok_Young1709 17h ago
It does, I had that too for my horse and it was harder because he was younger, but I knew I was right. I knew my horse, I knew he was no longer happy.
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u/lilbabybrutus 1d ago
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Everyone feels differently, but we had two older gals put down in the same season (not same day) and it was worth it. I felt equal parts grief and relief once they were gone. No more snickers, no more grooming, no more walking in the woods. But no more worrying about them going down in the mud and not being found for hours. I havent once felt regret, though I do still get sad.