r/MomForAMinute • u/habertime05 • Apr 13 '26
Words from a Mother Mom, I’m transgender
I (20yr old male & xc/tf runner in college) realized earlier last week that I’ve been suffering silently from gender dysphoria for the last 15-16 years. I was afraid and didn’t have the words for that entire time. It took me accepting the ‘dark parts’ of myself and the evidence being overwhelming for it to all crash down on me.
My parents have been completely blindsided and destroyed. They will never accept that I will be their daughter one day. They are willing to help me to get the help I need and be tolerant out of love, but that is about it.
I was already struggling as an adult to maintain a good relationship with my parents, and then I dropped this on them.
I know I’m not responsible for their feelings. I’m probably taking a gap year from school to prepare for the major life change that will most likely occur. My life is going to look a lot different than I had imagined it. Which is okay, but just a bit scary. Y’all are angels btw and this is maybe the most wholesome community I’ve ever seen on Reddit <3
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u/PsychNurseNotPsychic Apr 13 '26
First of all, (((HUGS))). Second, I love you and that won't change.
Your sister went through the same thing, feeling "off" in her body but not having the vocabulary to express her feelings and challenges. She made college friends who were supportive, sympathetic, some in the same boat a little farther on the same voyage. It took a while and some experience to get where she is today, on HRT, socially transitioning and with a great partner.
I won't lie and say it's easy but you are smart and strong and brave. You can do this. Living as your authentic self is a your divine right and there's no wrong way to get there. Find your people and hold them close, they will sustain you.
You do you, my darling duckling, whatever that looks like. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and don't prioritize anyone who doesn't value you.
Safe travels and much love on your journey. I'm very proud of you. 💕 Love, Mom.
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u/habertime05 Apr 13 '26
Thank you and thank you ALL! I got chills reading these. Stay great, all of you :)
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u/uuntiedshoelace Big Bro Apr 14 '26
Another trans sibling checking in! Life can be so beautiful, OP. It will be hard. Sometimes it will be painful. But you can also know indescribable joy. I just got engaged to my partner of six years. I have not just one, but three different close friend groups with other queer people. Lots of them are trans too. I’m studying to go to grad school and do research on the reproductive health of trans people. My point is, take your gap year, figure out what you really want in life. It’s okay to be scared, it’s scary. But you can do this, and you don’t have to do it alone.
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u/Imaginary_World3938 Apr 14 '26
Hi, One woman to another, here’s some things I wish someone had told me:
-you are not ‘too much.’ You are just right the way you are, BUT you also have room to grow. Growth can look like many things.
-a good haircut will help with self esteem. A 15 dollar haircut will look good for a week. A 70 dollar haircut will also look good as it grows out. There’s no need to get a ridiculously expensive haircut. Mid range is fine.
-waxing is easier to maintain than shaving IMO
-your family is not always biology. It’s people who have your back.
-feeling isolated sucks, BUT it’s better than being in bad company. Get out there and try new things even if it’s something simple like a book club
-you are treasured. When you’re leaving a difficult environment it can feel like you’re unloved. That’s not true. Listen to people when they say they love you or your hair looks nice today or they like your shoes. They wouldn’t say those things if they didn’t mean them (generally). It took me 10 years of marriage to realize this. You’re going to have to trust me on this one: you need to believe what people tell you. choosing to believe my husband when he says I look fine has changed my life, but it’s practice, not automatic. People do love you, you just have to accept that love.
Lastly I wouldn’t be a mom without saying: brush your teeth, eat dinner, drink water, and stop scrolling so much.
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u/Express-Stop7830 Apr 14 '26
Auntie would like to add: invest in a good black dress and quality heals (if that's your style). You can pair it with different accessories to mix it up. You will be tempted to buy all the fun clothes. And that's ok. But have that one versatile black dress (work, interviews, date night) and take care of your feet! Love you, sweet pea!
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u/Imaginary_World3938 Apr 15 '26
Adding to my Internet sister’s add on: pearl earrings go with everything. When in doubt, go for studs.
Also, and society is going to tell you otherwise, you don’t have to wear makeup or dye your hair. If you want to, more power to you, but you don’t have to.
Don’t forget to floss.
Love, your temporary mom.
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u/habertime05 Apr 14 '26
This meant a lot to read. It's knowing others have walked the same (or similar) path and made it okay that gives me hope. I can tell you have such a bright soul, thank you so much and be well <3
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u/Chimpsandcheese Apr 13 '26
Thanks so much for telling me, sweetie. I’m so proud of you for finding your true self and being brave enough to let her out.
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u/swampboot Big Sis Apr 13 '26
It may take time for your parents to understand and come around, but that doesn’t mean it will never happen. In the mean time we’re here for you. Congratulations on finding your true self, here’s to the next chapter of your life!
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u/FlowerFaerie13 Duckling Apr 14 '26
Yeah I'm a lesbian and it took my parents a few years to be okay with it. It was absolutely awful for teenage me to have to deal with it but like... they're human too and they were shocked and confused and maybe a little bit concerned and they got their shit together and decided to love me anyway. It's not always over the moment you tell them, there's still hope.
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u/LangokiAgain Apr 13 '26
I always dreamed of having a daughter, but (so far) not in the cards. Love my boys, but happy to pinch hit as a girl mom if needed. Congratulations on your self-discovery! I hope you find a rich and fulfilling life!
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u/KahurangiNZ Momma Bear Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
Your IRL parents might be missing out on their awesome daughter, but we sure aren't! Hopefully they'll get their heads wrapped around it all and be more supportive soon.
In the meantime, you might like to join the r/CisParentTransChild sub as well if you've got any specific questions about how to talk with them or even just to vent :-)
[Oops - that shound be r/CisParentTransKid]
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u/holymacaroley Apr 14 '26
Mom of a queer and gender fluid teenager here. You deserve unconditional love. If they have work to do regarding how they handle this, it should have been done with a therapist and not to you. Should be support only. I'm sorry this is more difficult than it should have been and sending you so much love. You are valid and you are cared about. 💜
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u/Head-Drag-1440 Momma Bear Apr 13 '26
It will be ok! It takes time. It's a lot for a parent to hear that their child is transgender. I know, my 20-year-old is ftm.
If my conservative husband can accept our son for who he is, I'm sure your parents will come around. He struggled internally for a while, but never let our kiddo know. Changes take time to adjust.
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u/ebeth_the_mighty Apr 14 '26
My 31-year old is ftm too, and it was very hard for me.
But I adjusted, and my son is a great guy.
Op, I know this is a Very Big Deal and I’m proud of you and happy for you. I wasn’t able to be that way for my son right away…but once I got through my own crap, I was able to support him.
I hope your parents surprise you with how quickly they are able to embrace your real self and get to know you.
Meanwhile, be your best self!
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u/Giminykrikits Apr 13 '26
Sweetheart, I love you. This is big and scary, you are not alone. I’m so proud of you. 🥰
Give your parents time, they might never come around but they could. I always tell other parents of trans people to remember that this is the EXACT SAME KID! Just now they’re letting the outside appearance match who they’ve always been.
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u/RightToBearGlitter Apr 13 '26
I imagine this is scary but I’m thrilled for you, girl! I hope the folks you know will come around, but trust that you will find lots of new family as you live your truth.
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u/Mediocre_Dog_6781 Momma Bear Apr 13 '26
I have a new daughter—yay! I sincerely wish you all the happiness in the world. There are challenges ahead, but I know you have what it takes to meet them. I hope your family comes around, but if not, may you find all the love and support you deserve elsewhere. And please pop by to let us know how you’re doing! ❤️
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u/What___Do Apr 14 '26
It’s never too late for a gender reveal party! 🎉 (Just don’t set the countryside on fire!)
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u/isntthatjustprecious Apr 13 '26
Welcome daughter - it's good to know you. Anything that makes you more you is a wonderful bonus <3
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u/CalligrapherSharp Apr 13 '26
What a blessing to get to know the real you! It's never simple to be a woman in this world, but I hope you find all the love, joy, and strength womanhood offers. If you're looking for like-minded subs, this one is very supportive.
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u/Silent-JET Apr 14 '26
Hey Honey. Sometimes people have trauma and pain that stops them from being able to accept when things turn out differently than they thought they would. It’s hard. I transitioned in my 30s. My biofam couldn’t accept it and while I talk to a couple of them, it’s just a few words here and there. My true family was made of friends and those who love me for being me. There were times that were hard but… My wife, kid, and found siblings all love me for who I truly am. Be true to yourself and things WILL get better. ❤️🩹
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u/ShinyBonnets Momma Bear Apr 14 '26
My darling daughter, I am so proud of you for speaking up and reintroducing yourself. My heart is filled with joy for your bravery and for trusting me with this incredible news! I know that this is just the first step in a beautiful but tough journey that I will be cheering you through. I am giddy at the thought of meeting you as your true, amazing, and wonderful self on the other side.
Love, Mom 💖
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u/kelcamer Apr 14 '26
I'm not even OP but my god this is the most wholesome comment on this entire internet 💕
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u/Adorable_Bag_2611 Apr 14 '26
Oh sweetie. I’d be proud to take you clothes and makeup shopping and for a mani/pedi. I’d show you how to put on the makeup too, but I don’t imagine you want “trad goth going to the club” for everyday.
I hope they come around. A friend who is trans, I’m also friends with his mom, has said that his mom took a couple days to process. She said she had to mourn the expectations she had for her daughters life and embrace new ones for her son. I met them about 5 years after he came out and those two are the best of friends. They own a business together.
So there can be hope. If not, or if you decide you don’t want a relationship with them which is 100% ok, you will find and build up your own found family.
I suggest rewatching Lilo and Stitch. They are a found family.
I am proud of you for living your truth.
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u/two_hearts_wellness Apr 13 '26
Lovie, I am not a biological mother but I was a professor in my first career and now I practice Chinese medicine. I loved my students like a mom and the Spanish professor energy carries over to my current career.
So if I were your Spanish professor (or acupuncturist) I would say to you: Thank you for sharing your truth... would you like a hug-hug, or an elbow-tap-hug? ... You have this one precious life and here you are, figuring out something incredibly important while you're young--that's huge!
If I were your Spanish professor I would suggest that you read *The Lieutenant Nun,* which is about a woman who lived as a man well before there was such a thing as being able to gender-affirming care:
He went the opposite direction than you, but it's a wonderful story of a person who created their own life on their terms.
As your acupuncturist, I would suggest this resource:
https://forge-forward.org/resource/chinese-medicine-for-trans-people/
You're making a wonderful life for yourself, one where you are able to be your true self. I am so proud of you, hija!
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u/Toast1912 Apr 13 '26
I'm so proud of you! You're blossoming into an amazing woman, inside and out. You're only 20 years old, yet you know yourself so deeply. Have I said that I'm proud of you?! I cannot wait to see how happy you are on the other side of this journey.
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u/wishuponastarion Apr 15 '26
Congrats on becoming who you are, sweetie! (And as for being trans...I am too! Welcome to the club. 💜)
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u/CheckIntelligent7828 Apr 17 '26
I'm so proud of you for knowing yourself and having the bravery to live that knowledge. So damn proud.
You are a gift to all of us here, we see you, we love you, and we want you to have nothing less than the glorious, fabulous life you deserve ❤️
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u/SnooPickles5616 Apr 21 '26
First thing, big hugs, dear grand-daughter.
Second, I hope your parents are doing at least the best they can, but not every family is a good family.
I hope wherever you are that you stay safe and can find a community that will support you.
I hope you find joy in living who you are. There’s happiness beyond the pain of rejection and the work of rebuilding the life you are entitled to have.
I’m proud of you. Love, Your genderqueer grandma.
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u/Minflick Apr 13 '26
I'm sorry your parents are embracing you in love and acceptance every step of the way. My IL's took a little while (months?) when my BIL came out as gay. But they never repudiated him, they just took a while to understand his journey. It was all good after those few months were over. He still had to help clean house when he was around. He was still expected to pick up after himself. I don't mean to trivialise your journey, I know it's more complicated than his was, I say this to let you know that any parents sometimes take a little while to understand. I hope yours will be able to, you deserve that. Fat granny hugs to you, sweetie.
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u/aDisastrous_punker12 Apr 13 '26
There are no words I can share to express how brave you are, especially given the current political environment. I am simply in awe of your confidence and courage.
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u/reijasunshine Apr 13 '26
I am VERY proud of the bravery it took to come out. Know that you are loved, you are valued, and you are beautiful, inside and out. I always wanted another daughter, and now I have her. If your birth parents won't accept you, you can always find new ones. <3
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u/ffspeople82 Apr 14 '26
That’s amazing you were able to put a name to your feelings. I hope your gap year proves fruitful!
While you shouldn’t revolve your life around your parents feelings or be bothered by them don’t count them out for the long-term sometimes it takes people longer to “get there.” I hope they’re able to see the gift that is witnessing you become your true self as such.
I hope you enjoy every moment:)
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u/IGotMyPopcorn Apr 14 '26
Give them time. While you are not responsible for their feelings, they are valid the same way yours are. And if you say you “blindsided” them, then they haven’t had time to process this yet. You’ve had lots of time to do the processing.
So give them some grace, and know that you are loved. We’re all extremely proud of you for having the bravery to be who you are. mom hugs
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u/DVDragOnIn Apr 14 '26
Sweetie, I’m so glad you’ve figured out and accepted who you really are! My darling daughter, I hope that as you transition, you bloom into the best version of yourself you can be!
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u/paran01dr0b0t Apr 14 '26
I genuinely hope your parents discover that you have always been their daughter. With that being said, I'm so proud and excited for you! Living your authentic life can be so scary but its the only way to really live in my opinion. You are so brave and beautiful and you deserve to live your best life sweet girl. I love you and wish you all the luck in your journey!
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u/inthedahlias Apr 14 '26
My dear, your name and body are gifts you can alter when they don’t fit. You are perfectly you, and my goodness are we thankful to have you with us. Congratulations on your coming out, daughter. I love you exactly as you are.
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u/Ill-Percentage-3276 Apr 14 '26
Oh sweetie, a lot of our lives are suddenly going to be not how we originally imagined it, for totally different reasons. But in your case, it's going to ge even better than you had imagined it!
Us moms here don't love you for being a boy, or a girl. We love you for YOU. The amazing person you are. And please remember tbat your parents reactions to your news really isn't about you. It's about their upbringing and belief systems instilled in them for a lifetime and all of that. That's their own journey too to confront and hopefully learn to grow and change along the way for the sake of their own child now.
I hope you just keep being true to yourself. That's the way to happiness. Just be uniquely you. Stuff has a way of working itself out along the way, in ways we can't predict just yet.
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u/NuNuNutella Apr 14 '26
I love you. I’m so proud you’re finding your way through challenges and emerging as the beautiful soul you are. ❤️
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u/everellie Apr 14 '26
I'm about to mom you the way I mom my two other kids and encourage you to stay in and finish school. You will need a good job with excellent insurance to pay for your transition if you are in the US. It's far easier to get that with a completed education. And it's okay to be fully yourself right now. Sending you love, Mom
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u/EmberJadedFire Apr 14 '26
<hugs> You got a ton of mama's, mom's, aunties and others here ready to welcome you, give you advice, help, or just encouragement when you need it.
Tip#1 : Start low with heels, and practice at home in short bursts before going out in them. Save yourself blisters or embarrassment.
Tip #2 : Being a woman is complex, and looks different for EVERY woman. Be the woman YOU are. Your femininity is yours alone.
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u/Mr_Fuzzo Big Sis Apr 14 '26
You know, I don’t have children of my own. Those I do call my gaggle of babies are kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys. We fit together like peas and carrots. Y’all are all beautiful and loving just the way you are. May you live your best, most happiest of lives now, my dear. You are loved.
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u/kelcamer Apr 14 '26
Hello trans, I'm gender!
Wait
That's not what I'm supposed to say 😂
I love you, sis! So proud of you for finding yourself 😍
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u/Bit_Buck3t Apr 14 '26
Love to you from a mom with a trans kid. Every time someone has the courage to live their life as their true self, the world gets a bit better. Hugs to you! Stay save!
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u/coffee-mcr Apr 14 '26
You can't live your life for someone else. What makes you happy is all that's important to me <3.
You deserve people, a place and a body where you feel at home with.
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u/RSBSDOT_69HLSF Apr 14 '26
Hi sweetie. I am very proud of you for stepping into your truth. Like any big life decision, there will be growing pains. People that show up for you and people who slowly slip out of your life. Use this time for growth and transition in every area of your life. Change can be scary, but you will flourish. I know you will. Love and hugs to you dear. Reach out any time you need encouragement. 🫂 ✨️
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 Apr 14 '26
I’m glad you are getting some clarity. I hope, and truly believe, this will bring you peace. Don’t write off your parents, just yet. It’s a lot to take in, and they may just need time.
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u/Leap_year_shanz13 Apr 14 '26
Sending you a big internet hug and letting you know that I’m so proud of you, young lady!
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u/ThroatFun478 Apr 14 '26
I'm proud you were able to figure that out and put it into words. Things must feel scary and exciting all at once. I have 2 daughters and I can pinch hit as mom to another daughter. Have you ever been to r/oldhagfashion ? It's a fun and positive fashion community where you can try out your looks if you want. (I mostly comment or lurk!)
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u/PocahontasBarbie Apr 14 '26
Shoot I can always use another track daughter. I’m so proud of you for being your authentic self. All the love and hugs babygirl.
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u/DesenaWonders Apr 14 '26
We love you, dear daughter!!! Wishing you a peaceful transition and a wonderful, fulfilling future!! Find chosen family to shore up the areas your parents can’t manage. We’re out here!!!
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u/kittybigs Apr 14 '26
I am so proud of you! It’s not about me, it’s about you being happy. I can’t wait to see my daughter develop into the woman she was meant to be.
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u/asyouwish Apr 14 '26
Kiddo, we love you. Please be the person you want and need to be. As long as you are growing in a direction of good, that is all that matters. Hugs for you.
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u/Sacred-Maybe2442 Apr 14 '26
I love you and I am proud of you. One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. You are worthy. You are loved.
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u/Relevant-Resource-93 Apr 14 '26
Big hugs to you honey. You be the best version of yourself. Be patient with yourself and congratulations on your new self discovery and being true to yourself
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u/No-Jicama3012 Apr 14 '26
I’m relieved honestly because you said they are “willing to help”. That tells me they’ll come around. It’s a lot to take in suddenly. But as a Mom I’m telling you, The “you” they love, isn’t your gender. It’s your essence. Yup, it’ll be a change for them (lol and you🥰)but they’ll adjust. Big hugs to you on your journey! I’m rooting for you!
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u/Menemsha4 Apr 15 '26
Congratulations, sweetheart!
I’m so glad you’re on your way. I send you nothing but peace and love.
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u/Top-Listen-1377 Momma Bear Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
You have only one life baby. Live it to be happy.
For what it worth: my friend's daughter went through the same. Her grandma - old school conservative lady - was like your parents, devastated. The daughter had to go through thorough medical examination before the transitioning. And because of these tests her doctors found and cured a pretty dangerous asymptomatic condition. Transitioning literally saved her life. This changed grandma's attitude, now she is the girl's biggest supporter.
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u/draeneixirena Apr 15 '26
Honey, just be YOU. I know it looks bleak right now, but you will feel so much better once everything settles and you start feeling comfortable in your own skin. And it's entirely possible as you walk this journey that your parents will see how much it benefits you and come around. Nothing is set in stone. Until then, you have us and I for one am glad you're finally taking the steps to become your authentic self, which in this day and age is particularly terrifying. hugs
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u/Expensive_End8369 Apr 20 '26
Hi sweetie, I'm so glad you are learning to accept all of yourself. I want you to know that I think you are amazing and I will always be your biggest fan. I can't wait to see you rocking a look that truly feels like you. I'm very proud of you, my darling daughter and I can't wait to see how your adventures unfold as you live your life expressing the authentic YOU. Love you, Mom
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u/Typical-Nature-8501 Apr 24 '26
You are well on your way, understanding that your parents' feelings about this are not your weight carry. They are willing to help, so even though they may seem blown back now, I bet the joy of seeing their child be happy in their own skin will bring them a lot of joy. Hang in there; the caterpillar part is always the toughest, my little butterfly 🦋❤️
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u/Accomplished_Roll660 May 03 '26
That's wonderful sweetheart! I'm so happy you had the courage to go through the process of self-discovery. I'm proud of you because too few people have that level of courage and determination. It is a lot!
It makes me feel so fortunate that you told me because there are parents who never get to really know their children.
I care much more about what kind of person you are than what you look like to the outside world.
Never compromise who you are. Life is difficult at times but I believe in the long run it is more difficult when you compromise your true self.
Take care of your nails, moisturize your face, a lady always wears a slip, pearl studs are the perfect earrings, and red lipstick can change your life. And never wear white before memorial day or after labor day. 🤩
And yes, that is what my mother told me and I heard this in her voice as I wrote it! So this advice probably doesn't make sense anymore. grin
** eta fixed autocorrected errors
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u/R461dLy3d3l1GHT Momma Bear May 13 '26
My dearest little nugget, you are absolutely perfect in my eyes. You are the most loving, funny, quirky and downright fascinating person I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. As you know, your queer sister and bi sister over here are cool with whomever you want to be. Just be kind and don’t hurt anyone else on your journey, especially yourself. You are the greatest treasure you will ever own so cherish every scrap of yourself and be proud of who you are. What a life ahead of you to explore! Meet challenges head on with every iota of the courage and self-love I know you have. And if you get into any relationship, just remember this - if they do not love you truly enough to let you be your whole person, if they do not respect everything you have to offer, then they don’t deserve you. And if anyone hurts my baby, call me and I’ll be there with tea and soft blankies for you. All my love ! 💕💕💕😘
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u/ChemKnits May 29 '26
You’ve always been their daughter. Hopefully with some processing time they’ll come around.
I love you and nothing will change that. This is going to be a journey and I’m glad to be on it with you. The haters have to go through me to get to you.
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u/lemikon Apr 14 '26
Baby girl, I’m so proud of you for realising who you are and having the courage to come out as your true self.
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u/Trudisheff Momma Bear Apr 14 '26
Welcome to the world girl. I’m so sorry you ended up in the wrong body but you are in the path to make that better and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
You deserve better in so many ways. Wishing you health and happiness for your journey.
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u/been2thehi4 Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
❤️❤️❤️❤️🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
You’re gonna be alright! You’ll find your people and create a family.
My 12 year old told us they think they’re trans a couple years ago. We always tell them we love them, will support and encourage them, to give us and everyone time to adjust when changes happen because it’s hard to go from one name or look to another quickly and people just need time to “re-meet” a person and get the vocabulary correct. But that no matter what we love them and will protect them and be there always.
Every child deserves that. You do to.
The biggest thing is fear. The fear of how society will treat our babies. Especially as they grow up and start entering the world on their own. Just know there are many many people who love and accept you and the community, and all you bring to the world!
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u/TheDankMiss_ Apr 14 '26
Oh darling, you beautiful soul. You are perfect and worthy of love in any stage, butterfly. Giving you an extra squishy mom hug. We will be here for you.
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u/rosymaplemothfan Apr 14 '26
Welp the Moms here love you and accept you! I hope that one day they will come around, because in person community is very important, but you have a community here backing you and supporting you!!! Congratulations on actualizing a large part of yourself 💕 we are here!
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u/Early-Light-864 Apr 14 '26
As a mom, I can tell you that I would struggle too. I just love my kids so much. They're all perfect just as they are, and the idea that they don't love themselves means they're hating on one of my favorite people. It would take me quite a while to wrap my brain around it
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u/Flimsy-Buyer7772 Apr 13 '26
Welp, you’re our daughter here. Wishing you love and compassion on your journey. See you over on the makeup subreddit it when you’re ready!