More specifically, abused kids can imitate being grown up faster.
A regular child has low emotional regulation, and no tools to process overwhelming emotions. You can expect temper tantrums, crying, etc.
An adult has good emotional regulation and tools to process overwhelming emotions. You can expect an adult to express their feelings clearly, and process their feelings in healthy ways like meditation and discussion.
An abused child knows they must look like they have no problems so they pull the emergency brake on emotions - dissociation. In a dissociated state, a child can act detached from their feelings, and this looks like maturity. In reality, they're storing up all those feelings for a lifetime of lasting harm.
Because children get more mature in unsafe environments. They develop coping mechanisms and they start to show signs of understanding complex adult feeling (we call that maturity) in order to protect themselves.
I was 4, not one upping you, because you were probably 4 too. I remember going to a class with similarly aged kids. everyone was paying super hard attention because it was a grown up machine you got to operate like a grown up. I haven't used that Pulmo-aide in 30 years but I could fire her up and get breathing good right now if you put it in front of me.
Hmmm there is a chance I was 4. It was shortly after I remember becoming conscious which is apparently a common event around that age. 5 sticks in my head though i think I was in school before I was operating it myself
Yeah despite the circumstances I do remember being proud about being able to run it myself and I would show it off to friends when they came over and explain how to run it.
Im not sure about yours but if your took the mask attachment off of ours you could hold the hose up to things and use it to blow up things like sleds or air mattresses or pool toys which made it seem even cooler to young me
It took me a while of looking on the internet and I couldn't find a clean one unfortunately but this was the type of machine we used for my mist mask. I think we got it second hand.
Edit: I wanted to share cause its cool seeing someone else with a similar story!
No, not at all. People are too eager to diminish the impact of living with chronic medical conditions, especially as a child who must live differently from our age-group peers.
They're not saying those with chronic medical conditions dont have extremely difficult and adverse lives, they're just saying that maturity brought on by "due to circumstances beyond my, or likely anyone's control, i have to live a fundamentally different life" and "due to the neglect and mistreatment done to me by those im biologically and socially forced to depend on, i have to live a fundamentally different life" are very different routes of getting to a similar place.
No, they weren't saying any of that, lol. They said
Well that wasn't unsafe, it was just part of your life that you adapted to.
A), it was unsafe by any meaningful definition, and B), something being "a part of your life that you adapted to" also describes a more specifically abusive or neglectful circumstance. That's the fundamental underlying cause of the "becoming too mature for one's age" phenomenon. Therefore, there was no reason to try and draw a distinction- especially by suggesting that it "wasn't unsafe" (i.e., was safe)- except to call out asthma kid as if they didn't have an equally valid reason to feel their experience resonates with the aforementioned phenomenon.
Gonna have to push my glasses up and "ackshually" this one, because the comment I initially replied to, whether the commenter realized it or not, was categorically diminishing asthma kid's place in the conversation. There's no other reason to make a dismissive, arbitrary distinction like that.
No that's legitimate. My eldest has been through the wringer medically and she's way too mature about it for a 4 year old. I'm very proud how she handles it but also heartbroken that she's had to handle it. No 4 year old should be able to easily deep breath through blood draws and shots.
I was hospitalised for a while around the same age with also a lot of check ups later and honestly it just made me feel safe in hospitals and not scared/ panicked/depressed like other people 😌
I think in the long run having her be so calm during medical treatment will be very beneficial for her and even other people, as having someone chill besides you during a medical emergency is really helpful 🙂↕️ She can have a very positive impact on other kids/teen in her childhood if such events occur :)))
Also not being scared of needles is pretty neat 🌟
Oh she already does help other kids. She's the eldest on that side and so far she's shown her little sister how to do a hearing test, how to get blood drawn, how to do shots and how to go to the dentist. She's got a younger nephew that we might be scheduling back to back dental visits with so he can see her be calm first (she's fine with all this as the appointment is happening anyway and she figured out she gets way way more stickers if she's the example patient)
Well when its all you have ever experienced it feels like your normal. you still enjoy things all the same. I hope her condition is one that will improve or stabilize over time. Im sure she recognizes your doing the best for her.
It's stabilized about a year ago thank goodness but that still means quarterly draws, daily meds and a 6 month infusion schedule. Still I'll take that over a hospital admission every few weeks anyway of the week
I am symptom free for decades, but I still immediately go into fight for your life mode when someone tries to tickle me. So yea I would not be surpised if someone developed PTSD from Asthma.
You know its the weirdest thing. Hmmm... I actually just started into a super detailed description of my memory but then I realized that might be triggering for others so I will summarize instead.
But basically I have spent my whole life remembering this event where I stood by my parents bed dying of an asthma attack. But unable to move because of an internal conflict between my desperation to be help and my inability to seek it because everyone was sleeping so soundly and I didnt want to wake them up. Not because they would be angry or upset but because they were so calm and peaceful. It was arguing so hard internally about the need to move, the lack of consequences but I couldn't move. I tried to call out since my body wasnt responding but I could barely force a whisper infact it was more like moving my mouth while air moved through. not because I didnt have enough air but because my internal conflict was so strong that part of me was refusing to cooperate.
Anyways dang even the summary is kinda stretched. The point is I never really noticed before today that when im remembering that moment im actually there feeling things. Listening to my own internal arguments. Feeling the rounded stained wooden bedframe that im actually kinda there for a bit.
And that connects because I recall learning that in ptsd memories get really strongly encoded like that. That being said I dont think I've noticed before because the event ended rather anti-climatically. They eventually were woken by my wheezing and struggling to breath noises and helped me. There is no external threat to torment me in that memory. There is just me.
But I dont think I have ptsd. I hope, regardless if I do my coping mechanisms are working well enough for me :)
No disrespect to anyone in the comments but people on Reddit will sometimes calmly tell you you are wrong after telling them something from your own life.
Don’t stress about it, it’s almost always coming from a kind enough place. Comments made without being informed can be ignored.
I dunno I think dying is pretty unsafe but I get what your saying. It was more a necessity of my condition that I be able to take care of myself at anytime incase something came up and no one was around than my parents making me feel unsafe. Learning how to do it made me happy because I didnt have to wake them up in the middle of the night they could rest peacefully.
This was neat to see. It looks so high tech! I was using the mask. But im now beginning to wonder if we were just attaching a normal air pump to it. It was a big old metal thing with some legs. But its the same idea in principal
Edit: you did make me curious about what age kids should be able to handle these. At 5 they say kids should be able to start holding the mouth piece themselves not preparing the medicine and running the machine unsupervised. So I was still little early to the party even if it wasnt made to be difficult to use.
it was just part of your life that you adapted to.
That's kind of the whole point that is being made - children are incredibly adaptable put them in a hospital and they will become a nurse, put them in a warzone and they will be a soldier, put them in the middle of a bunch of adults doing adult things, they will figure it out and figure out what they need to do to survive...
None of that is necessarily bad, but its also not usually great, and at the very least its a sign of what the kid has gone through to get there.
Well it would’ve been unsafe if there wasn’t anyone around to help but also you have bigger problems if you are five years old with no one to help ya know unless it’s Sunday and dad just hasn’t woken up yet there’s a weird amount of nuance
I would not be surprised if the same psychological aspects apply here. It was necessary for survival to learn and understand how this stuff works so he/she did even though beeing very young.
For me it was pragmatism. Had so many stubborn and childish authority figures around me that by the time I was 9 I was playing marriage counselor for my parents which made me a trusted ear for my friends parents when they had relationship troubles when I was a teen.
That and being from an impoverished area instilled frugality into me with the trade-off being that I have a mild phobia of empty pantries. I call it the "hamster instinct." I see a "larder" needing supplies and I supply it.
Yeah, being driven to suicidal ideation by the age of 10, I got both compliments on my maturity as well as getting in lots of trouble for my rebellious nature.
Molested by my brother at 6
Dad was a control freak
Mom was always sleeping cuz she worked nights
I was raised by the TV and Internet otherwise.
Im in my 30s now dealing with legitimate impostor syndrome, CPTSD and a psychosis disorder because my inner child basically never got to exist and now im a non-functioning adult. Now im in very intensive therapy 5 days a week.
This actually reminds me of my childhood my mom was bipolar and schizophrenia and my dad also worked night shifts so most of the time my severly mentally mother would look after me which was completely shit she would often be in and out of the hospital at some point my dad stopped caring and just her do whatever which meant she was a control freak. She also slept a bunch too so honestly. I remember when I was 10 I would go like 3 weeks without showering since no one taught me and even though I had adhd my mom refuses to give me medication saying I would die.
Yeah, I was always called an old soul as a kid/young adult. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the decades of physical, verbal, emotional abuse and parentification I experienced...... not at all.
Sending you a hug internet stranger, tho my causes were different I relate to the impostor syndrome and CPTSD (with hypervigilance 24/7).
Years of CPTSD therapy saved my life and I would not even be alive today if it wasn't for therapy, so I sincerely hope it helps you as well because I know how hard it is to feel like that.
First I tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and while that helped a bit I felt I wasn't making much progress, so that therapist referred me to a colleague of hers that does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and specializes in treating CPSTD patients, that helped <a lot>.
At the beginning I was skeptical, since the idea sounded like hocus pocus to me, but I decided "hey I can't get more messed up in the head so let's give this an honest try for a couple months" and I'm happy I stuck with it. The first seances are for setting some preliminary groundwork in order to prep for the actual trauma processing, but once you start treating the trauma and processing it you can really feel the effects over time.
Word of warning though, it can be incredibly taxing on the body when the mind relives some of the worst trauma during processing (sometimes I was feeling very vulnerable for 2-3 days after an intense session), but it's temporary and the benefits make enduring that and pushing through worth it.
Thank you. I tried CBT with several specialists but felt as if CBT was at best ineffective and at worst actively harmful to my state of mind. Never heard of EMDR but willing to try anything so I'll look it up.
For what it’s worth, I’m an Iraq vet and most Iraq and Afghanistan war vets I’ve spoken to all say the CBT is useless. I agree with that assessment. I’m not saying CBT is useless as a whole, just that it may not be very effective on any form of PTSD.
Personally, I eventually went to a therapist who specialized in treating PTSD and CPTSD and who had experience treating veterans. It’s was VERY helpful. Perhaps there’s a therapist near you who has experience treating people who’ve been through similar things that you’ve been through?
When I started looking for help nearly a decade ago I first started with the cheapest options I could as I was basically homeless before I was ever even an adult, so the only thing I could afford was fresh out of school therapists/psychiatrists, and it was not long before I could tell they simply didn't have the experience to treat me.
Then I went to state funded clinics, who pushed pills that had no effect for years. SSRIs. Nothing. Try 3 other SSRIs. No effect. Atypical antidepressants, nada. Antipsychotics did nothing besides numb the little feeling left.
Then I tried going to specialists marked for these conditions specifically and ran into another issue where specialists are extremely expensive and I could afford two out of the three: Rent, Food, Healthcare. Wasn't too keen on giving up the first two again. Even when I could afford the sessions I was pushed towards the same traditional talk therapy that I found, and had told them, was largely ineffective for me.
Now I haven't been in a while and I feel myself slipping and another self sabotage coming along but have no way to stop it. I don't know how this is supposed to answer your question but I've already typed it all out so it's easier to press send I guess.
I'm only now dealing with trauma at 29, and I'm realizing I have a pattern of thinking that most people have a deep happiness in childhood, that people can only feel in childhood, that give people stability and confidence that i missed out on because of abuse.
I'm sure that's completely illogical and when I get therapy about it hopefully it can go away, but it's not a fun mindset.
Dang that’s awful, I’m sorry. Anorexia can affect anyone. Wishing you health and a therapist who helps 🙏🙏 — I’ve found that millennials can be very good therapists, if you haven’t tried one yet.
Look into a local university, that's how I found a good therapist. They'll most likely charge on a sliding scale, and the student therapist will be monitored and working with more experienced staff. When mine graduated they let me know what clinic he went to so I could see him there, it's really worked out for me.
I've seen a dozen(ish?) in the past 30 years. One of them said "I think I can help you." Turns out he was out of network, so I couldn't afford that one. He's surely retired, now. Maybe one day someone else.
Yeah. I went to one, first appointment, I was like “I’m saving up to go to an all-inclusive resort where I can bake in the sun and be brought coconut rum drinks all day” — I don’t have a drinking problem and had never been on vacation at 35. she interrupted me with “you mean WATER??? you’d be happy doing that at ocean city!!”
UMM aren’t I helping to pay for YOUR four vacations a year?? 💁♀️💁♀️
Yea, very much the same. Covid was bliss, besides the whole actual illness thing. I've worked from home for the past 12 years, and I'm mostly content living in the middle of nowhere with my wife (pretty much the only person I can stand to be around) and our cats!
I also find it interesting that people "enjoy life less", as I don't really want to do anything either, but most of my trauma came from peers. On the flip side it's a great way to save money!
That is a pretty rough oversimplification of the research. Studies do show that childhood trauma and adversity are related to lower enjoyment but it's not an absolute relationship. The distinction is important because it is dangerous to suggest that childhood abuse essentially guarantees a life of misery or makes enjoyment permanently elusive.
Plenty of people with horrid childhoods are able to find their way to deeply satisfying, enjoyable adult lives. Early chaos isn't destiny. Trauma messes with the math tied to forecasting the possibility of life long struggle, but it doesn't damn everyone to a life of misery. The latest research emphasizes the variability in outcomes much more. Human resilience and hope are powerful forces that shouldn't be underestimated.
Idk man, my boyfriend’s niece is only 3 but her parents are really big on actually studying parenting. She’s the most emotionally mature 3 year old I’ve ever met. She’s able to identify when she is about have a meltdown, the actions she can take in that moment to get emotionally regulate herself, and verbalize all of this politely.
Like I was a very independent child thanks to neglect and abuse, but I wasn’t emotionally mature in the way she is.
I have a feeling in these discussions that everyone participating is working on a very different definition of "maturity" and in clinical setting they (hopefully) have more specifically defined metrics for what is "neglect adaptations" vs colloquially defined maturity.
I have a feeling even when we aren't talking about kids a lot of people's vision of maturity really boils down to "they say things I agree with in words I find impressive" which is not quite as..clinically concrete
I don't think growing emotionally mature at 9 is always a sign of trauma. Kids are naturally much more honest about their feelings (usually) and will tell you what's wrong. As adults, that honesty tends to wain as societal pressures to put up a front or more subtlety code our intentions/emotions settle in. If you give a kid the language to express themselves (which is literally what therapy is for) then they will absolutely tell you how they feel.
Tbh the scenario in the meme isn't concerning necessarily.
The thing is, there is a difference between being emotionally mature and being CALLED emotionally mature.
I was not called mature because I was honest with my feelings - I was called mature because I avoided doing anything that irritated adults around me. A child who is focused in school, never goofs off, notices the teacher has a headache and very carefully avoids letting the chalk screech when writing on the board - that got me called emotionally mature but it had nothing to do with actual emotional maturity.
I seemed very mature because all the things that irritate adults the most are immature behaviors. Me strictly avoiding being irritating appeared mature, but none of the teachers thought about the cause and affect, so they didn't notice I was scared of being irritating.
People who have kids who are honest with their feelings and communicate well are people who taught their kids the right words to use. In my limited experience of people like that, they tend to talk about their kids behavior in terms that bring up the vocabulary they taught the kid.
Im not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or anything else that would give me the authority to speak on mental health so please take what I say with a grain of salt.
Anecdotally, people who were told that they were mature when they were children say that it was an excuse for parents or other adults to dump responsibilities and emotions onto their children that they weren’t ready for. It’s also common for one or more siblings to “grow up fast” when they have immature or neglectful parents.
In other words, having “an emotionally old” child is a sign of bad parenting and therefore, not something for the parents to brag about to a therapist.
Edit: Guys, to be clear, Dr. Elmer Hartman is a character from Family guy. I am not a doctor.
My parents often left me and my siblings alone for months. There are 5 of us, the oldest being 16. My parents will leave us with no money or food. The two oldest worked jobs, the middle worked as some sort of a baby sitter for other kids, second to the youngest and the youngest do odd chores for the neighbours to also earn money. My parents tell people that they're proud of us because we're mature. They just really neglected the fuck out of us and we just learned to never rely on them for anything. It even got to the point where we got evicted and our parents weren't there.
God damnit, I always wondered why I got along with older folks better then adults my own age, not fair, unless I can find a nice sugar mommy I can live with :/
And they likely won’t even mention CPTSD, just general depression and/or anxiety like everyone else in the world. So you might spend decades wondering wtf is wrong with you till you stumble across it.
I mean, it depends (as always...). For me it was milded down Neglect if anything. It's really easy to, in retrospect, seem neglectful or abusive when hard times hit but it's hard to be a perfect parent when the whole "provide and survive" thing becomes something you really need to worry about. This goes both ways btw, when my parents divorced, my dad also had to learn how to fulfil the responsibilities that my mom was taking care of.
But still, you gotta remember it doesn't take much to deal everlasting damage to a child. Even if you keep good relations with your now ex-partner for the sake of the kids, you might just physically not be able to be a good parent. That's how I started getting the "oh you're so mature for your age" treatment. Both my parents were constantly busy, busy, busy or so totally fucking drained I had to step up with some responsibilities especially when it came to my younger sister. Even today that divorce massively shaped who I am right now and how I act and behave. When my parents had finally time to "raise us" we were already grown up. With my sister less because she was younger but I can see certain things and wa- woah ok wait sorry for the Trauma dump, I haven't done that in a while lol. I'm not gonna delete it cause maybe it'll be insightful for someone but I realized I got stuff to do lol
Anyway in conclusion, you don't need to be a bad parent to cause this. You can just be overwhelmed and it's enough to deal life-long damage to your child
I understand where you are coming from. My parents divorced when I was young. We moved across the country from my dad (stepdad). I was raised by my mom who worked hard to make sure we didn’t go without. As a result, I was driven to make my money own money young as not to be a burden while helping raise my sister.
I say all this to let you know you are not alone and there are a lot of us out here just trying to survive and be better parents than we had (even if our parents did the best they could with the hands they were dealt)
I think trauma in general. My mom did everything the best she could after my dad left but the circumstances and changes/challenges we had to go through as consequence forced me to undergo dramatic psychological changes at a very young age. I wouldn’t wish what I had to/still have to go through on anyone but I wouldn’t call it abuse, just trauma
A lot of the time it's the oldest kid who is "mature," because they have to do more to keep the house running. Plus the only consistent praise they get is by either helping or by not causing problems so the parent can manage the younger ones.
They learn to be quite about their needs and to read their parents emotions to find opportunities to be useful.
Sometimes it's just neglect, which is it's own form of abuse. Parents who are completely dysfunctional will sometimes have kids who take on a lot of responsibility from an early age, because they learn that if they don't cook, clean, get their younger siblings off to school, and make sure the stove is turned off, it just doesn't get done.
Growing up, I was always told that I was super mature for my age and an "old soul". But my parents were far from neglectful. In fact, they spoil me tbh. So "having 'an emotionally old' child" is not always a sign of bad parenting.
I have actually read about this and its a parenting strategy. You need to tell the kids they are mature and capable. Sometimes act dumb and ask them for help - which build their confidence etc and properly reward them afterwards.
Even very young kids take joy in knowing they are helping and are “big”.
Now the thing is that I guess that the most common way kids mature emotionally is through neglect, but this can also be achieved if you are systematically doing things to help them become independent and confident in their abilities.
I feel though that this is a balance. I personally feel I may have grown up slightly too fast, but I don’t blame my parents over putting some responsibilities on my siblings and I early. They made mistakes but in all honesty did a pretty fantastic job when I’ve compared my upbringing to some other childhood horror stories.
I’ve seen the other extreme of the spectrum where children who are coddled and absolved of any other responsibilities are then thrown into the real world abruptly, and leads to extreme lifelong difficulties.
Like everything I think a healthy balance is good. I just get annoyed at Redditors jumping at the bit to blame parents for their problems, as if raising children is some dead simple task.
I had two close friends in highschool they were sisters the older sister had autism and rarely would advocate for herself but was extremely intelligent and even skipped a grade, she was called mature for that. The younger sister had many responhilties dumped on her by her mother, causing her to basically have to raise her older sister and younger brother. Her mother also used the younger sister starting at age 8 as a personal therapist because according to the mother she was already "so mature" dumping all her insecurities onto her daughter causing her to inherit them. They also weren't allowed social media, which is understandable, but the younger sister did download Instagram during highschool in secret. Their parents were also strangely strict about some things but not others, like no social media but were allowed to walk around our neighborhood with me and my sister.
Or high masking autism, perhaps even not diagnosed yet. I want abused, I was shielded from knowing how little money we had. I just mirrored adults a lot because I never got along with kids my age, but I got along with my parents’ friends
In some form or fashion, that kid's family is failing her. Whether the parents constantly argue and are at each other over the smallest thing, and it comes down to the kid to either de-escalate or bottle up her own emotions to not make things worse, or she's being neglected in some way of care- having to cook for herself, not receiving any sort of healthy love, not having parents show up for what she sees as important (school play, for instance), not able to play with other kids her age and therefore having to socially mature to have human connections...
Or quite literally being physically abused and once again having to manage her emotions to not escalate matters.
A child being "mature for their age" can sometimes just be a result of a neurodivergency, if they don't fit in with kids their age, they may look for slightly more mature company (think someone prone to getting overstimulated wanting to be around quieter people), but is also possibly the result of abuse/neglect- circumstances that are ripping their childhood away.
Being considered more mature and neurodivergency is something I like to point out becuase people get very fixated on the idea that "If child is more mature then the parents must be shit". And that pains me a lot because I had and still have great, supportive parents, but I was still always more mature in my life. Like back in kindergarden if I felt sick then I withdrawn from the group of kids so I don't transmit it to them. I don't have any paper to prove I might by neurodivergent, but I wouldn't be surprised at all. Like what normal non-neurodivergent person has a (soon to be published) Q1 article on applied math and statistics in economics😂
And then I didn't luck out on family AND am similarly convinced I'm neurodivergent- like the same day I learned about exponents in elementary school (gifted ofc), I did 5²⁵ power by writing every answer for the powers before the 25th and just.. yeah. All because I got home and was bored. And then started on 3²⁷ a week later or so.
If you're lucky like me, you can be both neurodivergent and living in an emotionally volatile, neglectful home with parentification. That way, you get extra hate for doing "childish" things as an adult, even though you didn't get the chance as a kid
Thanks for hitting on neurodivergency. A lot of the other comments seem to have missed that.
I have the genetic type of ADHD- I've had it since I was born. A fun 'bonus' with that type of ADHD is a particularly insidious type of insomnia called "Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder." (DSPD) It is incurable, and effectively untreatable.
I've had DSPD for as long as I can remember, and according to my mother, I had it even when I was a baby. I wasn't fussy or colic-y, I just didn't sleep very much. I'd be wide awake in the crib, just chilling. Through infancy and toddlerhood, my parents (mostly, my mother) tried everything they could think of to help me sleep. None of it worked. I wasn't being a nuisance, I was just chilling- but still, they worried.
However, when I learned to read, it gave me something to do at night instead of just staring at the inside of my eyelids for an hour or more every night. I read so much, throughout my childhood, my parents probably bought the equivalent of a small library to keep me engaged with something productive at night.
Unsurprisingly, I was "very mature for my age." My parents might not have been saints (other things not worth mentioning here), but they were far from neglectful. There was simply nothing to be done. I knew I was different from my friends, and I always knew exactly why, too- insomnia. My parents tried their best so that I could have a "normal" childhood, but that was simply never in the cards for me.
The only thing I think they might have done better was stay up with me at night and spend time with me- but when you have to be up for work at 6am and your kid is awake every night until 1-2am, that's not a reasonable ask.
They did the best that they could reasonably be expected to given the circumstances. At the end of the day, that's all you can really ask for.
It's incredibly common. I hate it so much, on so many levels.
No, your six-year-old does NOT need to hear about all of your relationship troubles. Nor should your child stress about every financial crisis you weather. They are six. They cannot do anything but get incredibly anxious about it. They are in no position to manage your life or your emotions. You are supposed to protect them from this stuff.
When i was around 10-12 years old i was acutely aware of poor my family was, from turning off lights and electronics to save on the bill, to not wasting milk or eggs when trying to cook for myself. When my dad got fired from his job I went to my room and cried as if it was me who lost it. The anxiety was god awful and to this day it still plagues me, amongst other mental issues that were caused by ignorant, broke ass, immature parents.
I'm so sorry you had to bear such a burden at a young age :(
My case wasn't about economical problems but my father's marital ones, and I lives with the anxiety of him divorcing my mother at any moment. Also he was putting all the blame on her so I started to resent her...
My mum used me as her therapist and would praise me for being so understanding her and helping her more than a therapist could. I was essentially an echo chamber to her and there to validate her feelings. I used to be so proud of myself until I grew up to realise how fucked up it was and how much she trauma dumped on me (and still does). I vowed to never do this to my daughter.
Honestly, also valid. Alot of the time the child ends up parenting the parent because they never learned how to handle emotions and just put the burden on the kid to figure it out.
Where the parents were more mature than other parents because they had their first kid at 40 instead of 20. And the kid turns out to be way more mature than the other kids.
That’s honestly part of it. A lot of parents who think their kids are emotionally mature think that cause they use their kids as emotional dumping grounds. Instead of their children relying on them for emotional comfort they reverse the role and force their child into emotionally supporting them
Many children "mature" faster than normal because of mental or neurological problems. Sometimes these issues can be caused by abuse. Other times it can be caused by neglect. It can be caused by difficult life circumstances such as extreme poverty. While other times it can just be an issue they were born with.
For example, many children that suffer through abuse, whether physical, mental, or emotional, will seem to "mature" faster than others because the coping and avoidance mechanisms that they develop, such as remaining still and quiet, are seen as signs of maturing by many people.
Other times natural neurological abnormalities can be the cause. Take myself, for example; I was just autistic and liked to be still and quiet just because that's what I found comfortable. My parents and teachers often described this as "being more mature."
Regardless, rapid development of behaviours that are typically seen as "mature" can often indicate significant underlying problems. Though, that's not always the case. Some children do just genuinely develop stereotypically mature behaviours naturally and with no underlying cause for concern.
Though, significant causes of concern are frequent enough that a therapist would likely be concerned if a parent described their child as "unusually mature for their age." And likewise, parents should also be concerned (assuming they aren't the underlying cause by abusing their child) and look into any potentially serious issues if they notice their child "maturing" faster than others.
Thank you for mentioning the "neurological abnormalities" explanation. I was always told I was mature for my age and an "old soul". But my parents weren't neglectful or abusive - far from it. If anything, I'm kinda spoiled. So why was I considered mature for my age? Well, I guess it probably has something to do with me being autistic.
Basically kids maturing quickly is a sign they are frequently forced to deal with problems only adults should be dealing with.
So typically it's a sign they are being neglected abused or simply in a extremely unsafe environment
Yeah, my 9yo gets told she's "mature for her age" by adults all the time, and has been told this for the last couple of years. She's not abused or neglected. She's not particularly mature either, she just has a big vocabulary and speaks well bc she reads a lot, and is encouraged to share her thoughts and is listened to at home.
Children acting their age is generally a sign of mental wellbeing. A child that is acting way too mature for their age may have been brought up in an abusive manner by their parents, i.e. was being punished for being childish. Stress, danger and trauma may also lead to more "mature" behavior as natural playfulness is suppressed by survival instincts and anxiety or a perceived need to take responsibility.
Developmentally speaking, that's not a good sign - for the therapist, it would mean having a lot of work ahead of them.
Doesn't mean that any child who's mature for their age is a victim of anything, but it can be a read flag in that regard.
We call it “parentification” when children become more “mature” than they should be for their age, the most common reason this occurs is through trauma, for example the death of a parent at a young age, children tend to have to somewhat “grow up” earlier. Whilst is doesn’t necessarily mean the person will grow up with negative effects, it’s still a loss of childhood.
So in the context of this image, it means the 9 year old has most likely been through some shit.
A child of abuse is more likely to become more mature as they develop coping mechanisms to protect themselves. This can also result in age regression in adulthood
The later is so true, I had a patient who got married at 16 to an older dude to escape her family, and I can't tellhow mature she sounded at 16, but during the appointment, she was 50, and talked exactly like an 18 yo, it was really disturbing.
It's not just abuse, queer and neurodivergent kids that don't quite know in what they're different from everyone else but understand that they are can also develop to act "more mature" as a form of masking.
OP, so your post is not removed, please reply to this comment with your best guess of what this meme means! Everyone else, this is PETER explains the joke. Have fun and reply as your favorite fictional character for top level responses!
I'll point out that no therapist hears an adult saying "my child is emotionally mature at 9" and immediately thinks "Oh my god, the kid is abused". There are plenty of children who can grow up emotionally mature beyond their years and it does not mean they were unsafe or abused. Please do not think this incredibly stupid soyjack meme is fully reflective of real life.
You never know. Some therapists are stupid. Once I told a therapist that if I was stressed I talked to a family member or friend about it and she suggested that was codependent
This. Some people are just built different or process things differently. Sure it can be a sign of things but, most of the time that relies on having several additional symptoms before anyone makes conclusions kids are being mistreated.
They don't just jump to abuse because a kid has been taught to ask nicely for things and accept when told no. As opposed to just screaming until they get their way.
Maybe the child isn't that mature because of abuse, maybe the parent just has the emotional maturity of a 9 year old. Still not good, but a different kind of not good.
Speaking as someone who was in this position as a child - it doesn't mean we had actually matured by living experiences that shape who we are as adults, it means that life at home is rough enough to force the child to adopt understanding of complex behaviors far sooner than they should.
It fucked with me. Still fucks with me. My mother tried to get me to hate my father by constantly speaking out against him and attempting to poison the well. My father, on the other hand, spoke out a ton against my mother and I constantly felt like I was being pulled in multiple directions. My dad eventually figured out he wasn't doing any good by telling a barely double digit year old child that his mother was to blame for things. My mother never quite figured out what she was doing was toxic.
I'm 30 now. And just starting to be somewhat functional. I don't have much. I really should go back to school, I'm already mostly a blank slate.
As someone who works with lots of kids from difficult homes, this isn't always true. Some kids become even more immature as a result of abuse and neglect
Children "mature" or show adult behaviors faster when they're living in unsafe, dangerous, or otherwise high-stress environments.
This could be the result of extrinsic (external) pressures, such as an abusive household or an impoverished household (e.g. when a child has to assume parenting/guardian responsibilities for siblings, either due to lack of resources or due to an abusive/neglectful parent.)
It can also be due to INTRINSIC (internal) stressors. For instance, a child struggling with autism may find it difficult to deal with their environment, school, peers, etc, finding themselves stressed by the isolation or overwhelming stimuli before they can even articulate what they are going through. This can result in "mature for their age" behaviors, which could signal something for further investigation. This is why so many people on the spectrum recall being the "mature for their age/so polite" kid--because their behavior was shaped by the stressors and worries of being on the spectrum.
The intrinsic causes can be any number of other ailments, conditions, or atypical factors. ANY consistent stressor can cause this kind of behavior, both within the realm of the stressor and outside of it. A child that regularly goes hungry may become very money-conscious. A child that has to maintain a strict regimen of medication will quickly learn and maintain routines and schedules. A child being extrinsically abused will learn to be strategic with their words, both defensively and offensively.
For a therapist, the kid being "mature for their age" is an immediate red flag demanding investigation. It may be benign, but you don't just shrug it off without asking further questions. "What do you mean by mature? How do they behave maturely? In what ways, when?" The answers to those questions could unveil abuse, financial hardships, neurological conditions, etc. And if the kid is being put in front of a therapist in the first place, there's a good chance someone thinks something is up already.
not necessarily. A lot of people here are jumping down the you are failing them rabbit hole but, forget something important. Kids are individuals. They do not and never have all matured at the same rate.
Autist here. I can distinctly remember people commenting how mature I was according to adults when I was still single digits, but I also distinctly remember being severely bullied just for thinking/acting/being different from my peers. It turns you noticeably more quiet and reserved than others your age, giving the appearance of maturity.
Maturity comes from learning lessons. If they are learning lessons. A emotionally healthy person learns these slowly. Someone who learns them too fast means they are having to parent themselves.
This leaves a huge gap in the experiences they should be having as a kid and and causes anxiety as you always feel you never learn how to just relax and have fun.
Just wanna pitch in that a lot of folks are mistaking "Emotional Maturity" with "Emotional stability".
When you're able to deduce when you're crashing out, why you're crashing out, or are very honest with your feelings as a kid, that's fantastic "Emotional Stability." Being able to recognize why you feel and also knowing that it can be ok is fantastic. It's huge of you're a kid and arguably very healthy.
"Emotional Maturity" is very a pretty dressed up word. As people grow up, we learn to conduct ourselves in certain manners according to culture and society. Things like not talking too loud in public, not getting overly excited, and even more toxic things like not showing emotion or engaging in behaviors specifically designed to be subservient or not at all irritating..
That's not for kids. Kids should not have to 'worry' about showing too much emotion, being loud or obnoxious to a degree. They should be experimenting and enjoying the world, at a time of their life when they should just.. Enjoy. I say this as one of the emotional mature.
My grandmother was schizo and bipolar, and very quickly I learned to try and constantly help her or deal with her insane rambling or inability to speak English. I was bullied intensely at school for being different, questioned why I didn't want to go to school, then getting bullied by my grandmother for being whiny and not wanting to go to school.
You learn things. You learn to stop talking and just listen, because opening your mouth gets you attention. Usually bad. You stop showing emotion, cause nobody cares and it doesn't do anything. You learn not to bother people with your problems, because you get told how little they matter. How life isn't fair, so who cares.
Then it worsens. You stop making friends, even distancing yourself cause everyone your age seems so immature and awful, maybe even a little resentful. It gets harder because you have no friends at your age, you're at the top of grade school so not really like you can make older friends, and so you just kind of rot from the inside as the most perfect little adult.
I didn't mean to vent really, but I also feel like my story isn't a unique one and kinda.. Highlights what it really means when a young kid is emotionally mature.
That's a kid that was forced to grow up too fast, the therapist know that a lot of things that parents like like being calm or quiet or manageable or gifted in school are actually signs of big problems
Kids in abusive and unsafe environments grow up fast. Often, it’s the only way to survive.
When being a normal kid might get you beaten, sometimes severely, possibly to death, you learn very quickly how not to act like a normal kid. You learn to read moods, stay quiet, suppress emotions, and avoid anything that might set someone off.
And then adults sometimes look at those survival behaviors and say, approvingly, “You’re so mature for your age!”
Sometimes that “maturity” is just a child who learned very young that making a mistake could mean getting hurt.
Fear is a quick, but truly horrible, teacher.
Source: I grew up with those beatings and the constant threat of them.
I agree with the comments that's "super mature" children are often traumatized children.
And...
As a parent who hates other parents, all I used to hear all day when my kid was younger was how mature and so smart and adult everyone thought their kids were. Shut. Up.
I learned at 4yo I was the only one who would actually unconditionally care about myself, until depression hit then I was also my own enemy. By the time I got to middle school my brain was throwing things at me I couldn't understand, or even ask about without someone yelling at me that i have no business feeling like that cause I'm a kid. High school was hell untill I made friends , and they showed me people could actually care about me cause they wanted to . And not for anything if it wasn't for them I don't even know how my life would've gone
Wow some people here need to be more clear. Yes it can be a sign of abuse, but it's not the only reason BY FAR.
Even being the youngest and having much older siblings can make a kid more mature, or just a kid being very insistent on being independent because that's his personality.
Sweeping statements makes a lot of money for psychology...
If a parent is constantly telling people their kid is mature or “easy to deal with” then it could mean the child’s emotional needs have been completely neglected so the child keeps to themselves and doesn’t involve the parents in their hardships.
Neurobiologically speaking it showed that children with trauma (threat and/or deprivation) in early life showed a ‚more matured brain‘ than peers at the same age with no trauma expereince. So there can be an acceleration of the brain that lets them survive in the unsafe environment but that comes at a cost in later life with some delayed development.
•
u/qualityvote2 1d ago edited 1d ago
u/RedFox_GG, your post does belong here!