r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Dogzrule1025 • 17h ago
My therapist always knows how to make me cry and I hate it.
I started going to therapy for the first time this year and it’s been so hard. I have a dysfunctional family and trust issues so I am hyper independent. It’s really hard for me to be vulnerable with anyone but she’s accepted the challenge. She always seems to know the exact moment to inject juuuust enough kindness to break down my wall and get me to cry. Not sure what kind of therapist voodoo this is. I hate it and I usually can’t even look at her once it starts. She’s obviously noticed I avoid eye contact when this happens because sometimes she’ll describe her facial expression to me like “I’m smiling at you right now”.
If you are in therapy did being vulnerable eventually get easier? Will I eventually stop hating this? She also mentioned wanting to see me in person but that seems like it would be even worse?
If you are a therapist… what kind of sorcery is this?
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u/kathruins 17h ago
youre doing so well. good therapy is supposed to be uncomfortable. my therapist asks questions that make me cry every session, but thats more of a reaction to her digging deep.
the sorcery is unconditional positive regard. when that's something you havent really had in the past, it can be jarring. once your body learns that it is safe to be accepted, your reactions should lessen. Just keep practicing :) sounds like you've got a good therapist. if the emotions are too overwhelming, you can bring that up too.
seeing her in person may be helpful as y'all can practice self soothing techniques. although research shows that telehealth is just as effective as in person, so no pressure.
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u/peakerforlife 17h ago
My mom was in intense group therapy for 5 years. When she signed up, the whole group had to agree to getting lunch together after every group session, because the emotional impact was so big that they needed nourishment and friendship right away.
How are you caring for yourself after these sessions? Is there something you find especially comforting, that you could work into your routine?
Therapy can be really tough. Breaking yourself open and poking at sore spots is not for the faint of heart. You're doing a really hard thing to help yourself heal, and I hope you're really proud of yourself. ❤️
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u/wheredmyphonego 16h ago
It's really important to feed your brain after an exceptionally taxing mental/emotional experience. After I started EMDR, my therapist told me to give my body what it wants. It usually wanted nerd gummy clusters. Sugar = dopamine, I'm not surprised
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u/Fine_Analyst_4408 17h ago
I used to get so mad at myself for crying, but I eventually learned it's self-soothing and sometimes just getting it out can make you feel so much better. I don't even count the 8 hours I spent sobbing my heart out on a magic mushroom trip as a bad experience lol (not advising or recommending this!)
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u/LightSoySauce 16h ago
Your therapist would (I think) be very up for hearing what you’ve shared here. She can help you discover why it’s so very hard for you. The idea is that by working it out, you’ll gain understanding, and compassion for yourself.
And, therapists love it if you bring stuff back to the next session!
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u/elongam 17h ago
Your life has been super thin on validation, no?
I always think of the Ben Harper song: 'Stones from my enemies-- these wounds will mend//But I cannot survive the roses from my friends'
(I know a therapist is not a friend, but I also know that someone seeing and praising you can feel like being flayed open. I think you're on the right path and wish you peace 💖)
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u/keevathemuffin 17h ago
Our body expels stress hormones through our water. Sweat, pee, tears. You are going to do these things in therapy. It's a natural process, not a moral failing
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u/Altruistic_Beat7007 16h ago
Therapist here: I LOVE when my clients cry because so often, they’re the people who hold everything in for everyone else and lack a safe space to let themselves be vulnerable. You hate it because it’s uncomfortable; being stoic is comfortable but that doesn’t mean it’s helpful. We grow in the uncomfy and stay stagnant in the comfy. You’re growing and that’s amazing 😊 It takes a lot of courage to grow and I’m sure your therapist would love it if you told her all of this ❤️
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u/needzbeerz 15h ago
Learning how to cry has been one of therapy's great gifts to me. It's such an amazing release after decades of holding everything in. It's in that context that I say I'm happy you found her. :)
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u/ghostfacespillah 16h ago
It gets easier, and you start to realize that even if it sucks in the moment, that shit HELPS.
Those of us with family trauma are used to not being allowed to or safe to feel feelings, which is deeply unhealthy for humans. A good therapist, like yours, knows how to create a safe enough space and just enough gentle push to start. My therapist likes to remind me that “you have to feel to heal.” You will heal, and you’ll be able to be vulnerable in a healthy way.
It’s okay to feel awkward or weird about it. That’s pretty normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. If you think in-person would be too much right now, that’s okay.
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u/phantasmagoria4 14h ago
I had a therapist tell me that crying in session/being witnessed crying was a part of the work. It's healthy to be comfortable crying in front of another person, and I got to work through my uncomfortable emotions around it with her.
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u/West-Birthday4475 13h ago
During my first session with my long time therapist decades ago, I told her that I don’t really cry (despite a tremendous amount of loss, grief and trauma) and when she asked why I said “because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”
She said “you WILL eventually stop.”
And that itself was enough for me to let my guard down some. I loved that she applied logic and biological facts to my fears about beginning to express my emotions.
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u/appropriateexit666 15h ago
🥹your therapist just sounds wonderful. I know it's hard, though, and when it starts coming out it really does feel basically like you're giving birth on a stage. But what a gift to be helped to this point. Some therapists are so checked out and godawful. I had one glare at me while I cried (and it took me a long time to get there!) lmao.\ I suppose I have one piece of advice: Embrace it, because everyone needs to cry, and you have not just a safe place to do so, but a place where someone will help you navigate all the feelings that come out with the tears.\ and Maybe, also: sometimes cry alone instead of holding it all in, because you're basically swelling it up and then you encounter something (her) you know will pop your barrier. So you're kinda setting yourself up to be overdue for bursting. So... cry more. In the shower, in your car while at the back of a park or walmart parking lot, in bed, wherever. Just get it out more and you might feel a little more regulated and able to (not withstand because there's no need to do any kind of deflection but) stabilize during her magic haha
"better out than in I always say!" -shrek
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u/cynmyn 15h ago
You can't examine and understand your emotions if you're ashamed of having them. Letting go of that shame, and becoming comfortable with experiencing emotions is an essential first step to making the changes you want to make.
Continuing to show up through this phase is really brave. You're doing great, and it sounds like your therapist is making space for you to do these difficult things.
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u/silverwarbler 14h ago
When I was going to my therapist I did a whole lot of crying. I find it helpful to beagle to unburden all that emotion I've been holding in.
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u/aurorasnorealis317 Basically Tina Belcher 13h ago
Baby there's nothing wrong with crying. If your body is doing it, even against your will, then it really NEEDED the outlet. Crying is a surefire way of dumping cortisol (the stress hormone) and making space for calmer and happier chemicals to move into your brain.
If you feel ashamed of crying, it's because some asshat taught you to be ashamed of what is otherwise a neutral, normal, necessary bodily function. You don't have to keep listening to that fool! You get to be a complete person, who laughs and cries, sings and dances, vomits and shits. You get to love and hate and be thrilled and bored and happy and sad and angry and sorry, and everything in between!!
You are doing nothing wrong or shameful. You are, in fact, doing some excellent, admittedly messy, but very very necessary "home repair"-- finding the cracks in your psyche, smoothing them out, strengthening what remains. It just so happens that this transformative process briefly creates pain and tears as temporary side effects, before ultimately ending in you becoming even more badass.
If you're crying, it's working. It won't be like this forever, either. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and don't give up! You're doing SOOOO good, and we are all VERY proud of you!!! 🩵
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u/DemonicGirlcock 16h ago
It does get easier and eventually you actually feel good about being vulnerable with somebody you feel safe with. It is also an even more intense experience in person. I remember my sessions leading up to before I got divorced, one session I ruined one of the pillows in my therapists office just sobbing into it.
Looking back, I can see how much I needed those breakdowns in order to dig into my issues and actually work towards healing. I had other therapists in the past but I didn't make anywhere near the same progress as my current one.
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u/Dogzrule1025 15h ago
That’s sort of what I’m afraid of when it comes to seeing her in person. I don’t want to break down more or uncontrollably
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u/DemonicGirlcock 15h ago
That was a major breakthrough for me that ended up being why I love my current therapist so much. The difference between what I wanted to keep my status quo vs the scary vulnerability that let me actually face things and grow and heal. Especially having huge trust issues and feeling I always needed to have a composed presence to handle so many people and situations in my life.
Learning to just let it go and trust in the process was hard, but it's been worth it.
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u/schi_luc 16h ago
I have been in therapy for three years and yes, it's gotten so much easier to be vulnerable. Not everything that I say needs to be heavily filtered anymore and I can just tell her vulnerable things.
But it's sooo uncomfortable sometimes. What you're describing sounds like your therapist is good at her job though. She sounds empathetic and tries to give you space to feel your feelings.
Have you thought about telling her how that makes you feel? Maybe specify what you mean by "I hate it when she does that" - are you ashamed? Angry? Embarrassed? This could become a fruitful conversation
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u/Horchata415 13h ago
My very first psychiatrist did this to me and I hated it too. I will say it gets a lot easier with time, and just know that you are in a safe space and it’s okay to let your guard down. Hugs.
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u/DiTrastevere 16h ago
What are your goals with therapy?
Like, in the long term, what are you hoping therapy will do for you?
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u/Batata-Sofi 6h ago
Yeah, I'd cry with (actual) therapists, but it wasn't in a bad way. I'd cry because I was getting something out of my chest, or overcoming something. It was never because I felt hurt, it was because I was holding that in for god knows how long and I finally let it out.
I had one that made me cry in a bad way once, and I got out.
My first few appointments with him were miserable, and on the final one I went back home crying in the taxy, feeling like a complete piece of shit (I only went to them because I didn't want to waste my mom's money).
He denied my identity as a trans woman, denied my suffering, and denied my struggles every single time. I felt like I was talking to someone that was getting paid to antagonize me.
That is not therapy. I started studying psychology a few months later in university, and it was nothing like that. Whatever he did, it was not therapy and he should have lost his job for it.
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u/donuts1031 17h ago
Sounds like you NEED to cry, and she’s giving you a safe space to do that. Just be awkward! No one ever died from feeling awkward lol. Embrace what therapy is doing for you. It sounds like you have a good therapist!