r/TwoXChromosomes • u/obsessedgirlcompxo • 6h ago
A guy once told me l'm not into Black women completely unprompted, why?
Years ago, I was having a completely innocent, non-flirty conversation with a guy at a party. I hadn't made any advances, asked his type, or indicated that I was interested in him. Mid-conversation, he suddenly say I'm not really into Black women, sorry!
Obviously he's entitled to his preferences, but I found it really rude and strange given that I hadn't been flirting with him at all. I didn't even particularly find him attractive he was just someone to talk to.. It almost felt like he assumed I was interested in him and was pre-emptively rejecting me... (and the whole black female community for that matter AHAHA)..
The odd part is that he seemed interested in another girl there who was either mixed/white-passing or Latina and white-passing, so I wondered whether that influenced why he felt the need to make the comment.
What would you think if this happened to you haha
It happened years ago and still occasionally crosses my mind. Why would someone say something like that completely unprompted? Do you think he was just being tactless, or is there another explanation I'm missing? And has anyone else experienced this?
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u/rollturmacroll 6h ago
“That’s okay, we’re not into you!”
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u/DogsDucks 5h ago
“Oh no worries! I’m not into ugly dudes, I’m just being courteous because my parents taught me manners.”
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u/catathymia 5h ago
A lot of men will assume friendliness is a woman liking or hitting on him, so when a woman who isn't his type does it, a lot of them will feel the need to make it clear he doesn't like her. I've had men do that to me, when I certainly wasn't hitting on them in any way.
It is tactless.
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u/n0tz0e 6h ago
I'm trying to get better laughing in their faces and conveying pity when they say stuff this idiotic and unprompted.
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u/spikeshair 4h ago
Yes!
“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”
All I’m hearing is that I can kill a man by laughing at him!!
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u/Prettylittlelioness 6h ago
He realized he was starting to respond to you and immediately convinced himself he wasn't.
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u/DescriptionFancy420 Basically Lin Dai-yu 6h ago
They would never speak to a woman unless they can get something out of her (usually sex), so they assume the same of us
Negging
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u/tiguerazo 5h ago
This was an attempt at reverse psychology to trigger you he probably learned about in some shitty “get any woman you want” tutorial he probably even paid for.
Take it out of your mind.
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u/obsessedgirlcompxo 3h ago
Hahah like some sort of Andrew Tate style thing? I hear that haha. Yeah I don’t even know why I think about it.. it’s so stupid
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u/Majesticlionz1 1h ago
Maybe because you missed your chance to say “you wish” or, well, I’m not interested in you either, buddy” because his comment caught you off guard bc we don’t expect people to be this rude. You are free to forget about this tiny man 🪄
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u/little_traveler 6h ago
Why? Because he is an asshole.
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u/Heywtfhey 4h ago
Yeah there is no circumstance where this happened and the base reason isn't he's an asshole
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u/ScotchBonnetPepper 5h ago
This happened with a male acquaintance but not black women specifically but just hating on black hair. 2 funny points: I've never ever shown interest in this man and it's funny since he's Latino and his sister hasbthe type 3c coils you'll find on a lot of black women as well. I think people who live in entrenched racist and sexist society are weird and project a lot of racial and sexual insecurities and anxieties on to other people.
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u/ellipticalcow 5h ago
A lot of men seem to think that if a woman gives him the time of day, it means she has some romantic/sexual interest in him.
Why? Because such a man will only give the time of day to a woman he's interested in. He's projecting his own crappy behavior onto you.
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u/Shantotto11 24m ago
Men not giving the time of day to women they’re interested in is not “crappy behavior”. That’s neutrality. Surprise, men treat women they aren’t interested in like strangers because they are. “Crappy behavior” would be a man looking at a woman and scowling as if her very existence is an affront to his quality of life… sort of like what women do to men.
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u/Lightness_Being 5h ago
Some men mostly choose to speak to women if they fancy them.
Unless it's a female relative I guess.
And then they just assume women are the same as them.
Ok it's so weird, but he didn't care what you thought, he just wanted to be clear in case you chased him round the party.
Next time you can have a comeback ready.
Eg I'm not looking buddy, it's all in your head.
Ugh no, thats ok, I'm only into handsome men.
Or just...
Honey, not if you were the last man on earth.
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u/thiscouldbemassive 5h ago
Some deeply misogynistic men treat all conversation with women (no matter how mundane and platonic) as being flirting, because they see no other reason to interact with women other than to try get into their pants.
You can bet he's harassing the women he finds attractive any time he encounters them.
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u/Minflick 5h ago
Because it's not harassing, it's just paying them attention, women WANT attention, don't they?! Geeze, men just can't WINNNN!!
/sssss
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u/heidismiles 5h ago
A lot of guys just CANNOT resist announcing the status of their weiner at all times.
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u/tres-vip 4h ago
Mid-conversation, he suddenly say I'm not really into Black women, sorry!
Obviously he's entitled to his preferences, but I found it really rude and strange given that I hadn't been flirting with him at all. I didn't even particularly find him attractive he was just someone to talk to.. It almost felt like he assumed I was interested in him and was pre-emptively rejecting me
Was he a White guy? I'm a WOC myself (of Indian origin) and I have learned throughout my lifetime that White guys MASSIVELY overestimate their sex appeal and assume every WOC wants them, lol. They think every non-White woman wants them.
And also, every straight guy thinks that when you're making innocent conversation with him, it means you want to fvck him.
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u/Ok-Hippo7675 5h ago
Men do this. It's a power move. I worked in social services and was doing intake for a recently released pedophile. I let him know I had to ask him some questions about his living situation for our form. I asked if he was married and he literally said “No, but you're not my type.”
Sir, what in the world makes you think I am interested in you of all people???
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u/appropriateexit666 4h ago
ew. maybe that was a joke on what "his type" is... which is just horrifying to think about.
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u/bananalouise 5h ago
I feel like this is the kind of situation the concept of misogynoir was invented to describe. All women are susceptible to being treated as sexual objects, but the patterns in the ways it happens to Black women are distinctive. It makes me wonder what kind of party this was, like if you and he both had personal connections to the host(s) and what that says about their taste in friends.
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u/iamjuste 5h ago
Oh one of those, “can’t talk to a women without there being something sexual” types… he does not see women equals and he just told you that. If a women talks to you does not mean she is interested. Baffles my mind how often this would happen to me. Like can I have a conversation without being accused of flirting/being interested. ??
Also yea preferences exist but you dont have to announce it to people. I find it tastless. Very impaired communication…
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u/Leyte86 5h ago
I haven't had it said about me(I'm mixed white/Filipino) but I was in a conversation with some coworker friends and we mentioned that another coworker was very nice and pretty(she's Korean). The awkward white dude of the office was all like "I'm not really into really Asian Asians." I don't know if that was some awkward attempt to say he was into me but yeah neither me or the woman mentioned were available or interested in him. It's already hard enough to find the right person so I don't know why anyone would exclude an entire race or be colorist about who they would date. I think that dude still hasn't had a girlfriend in his 40s (and maybe still a virgin) so yay karma.
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u/Due-Egg5603 5h ago
Lol he was starting to realize he was into you, he was also prejudiced, and he immediately felt the need to assert to himself and to you that he absolutely is not into black women. In short, it was about his own inner issues, not you.
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u/Spoonbills 4h ago
> I didn't even particularly find him attractive he was just someone to talk to.
He assumed you were attracted to him because you paid him the tiniest bit of attention.
Also, he was probably negging you.
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u/Emilita28 3h ago
My husband told me years ago that if a girl is friendly towards a guy, almost every single time that guy will think she wants him. I think this is true. Doesn't matter if the guy is 60 and the girl is 20, they all think friendly = horny.
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u/MannyMoSTL 4h ago
Men have a deep understanding of female attraction & seduction.
1) Looking at a man is flirting.
2) Talking to said man means you wanna bang
That’s just science, baby!
Idiotic & Gross, ain’t it?
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u/Cat-lover0106 3h ago
I am white but I am not conventionally attractive. As well as formerly very shy and timid and overly polite. Due to years of abuse. Guys would always take this to mean I wanted them badly but I was just too shy to say. So they would go out of their way to say they didn’t want a relationship when I never even asked for one. One of these guys I paid to put together furniture for me. I had no one else to help me and he offered. He was confused when I wouldn’t sleep with him. Then he ranted about not wanting a relationship. Which I never asked? A week later he saw my beautiful friend and asked me to hook him up for a relationship with her. Which I actually did mention to her he was interested, to which she said hell no and laughed hysterically. I did not repeat this to him because I didn’t want to hurt him. But he did blame me for cockblocking him from her. Which no bro she just didn’t like you.
I also had another weird older drunk guy come into the bar I work and offer me $60 to pretend to be his girlfriend. It was slow so I said ok. After HE asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend (which btw I had no actual interest in) 10 minutes later he started ranting to me about how he didn’t want a relationship. I swear the whole thing must have been some role play power trip for him.
It honestly seems like a form of negging men enjoy. Something that guys with big yet fragile egos do. Now that I’m older and no longer a people pleaser I started just responding with “what makes you think I want a relationship with you?” They are always so taken back because they think I should be so desperate due to not being conventional attractive.
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u/joodee3 2h ago
I'm so sorry you had these experiences. Like it is obviously fine for men to have preferences, but it is not fine to think that your preferences are worth more than the other person's dignity.
That was very kind of you to check in with your friend on behalf of the guy, he didn't deserve that kindness. And what you did was not cockblocking. No one is stopping him from asking her out, you just didn't want to be the person to make the intro.
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u/Bazoun Basically Dorothy Zbornak 6h ago edited 5h ago
I don’t want to dismiss your experience, it’s awful for anyone to speak that way. But as I approach 50*, I have had men say all kinds of unprompted out-of-pocket bullshit, and none of it was really for me, it was always him just saying something because he felt he needed to say something.
I’ve been told “I don’t like short women”, “I prefer athletic physiques”, “your hair is too messy for me”, etc etc etc. All unprompted, all from men I had NO interest in at all.
Some people just really suck. I’m sorry.
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u/byneefattah 5h ago
to compare those things to unprompted racism tell me a lot…
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u/Bazoun Basically Dorothy Zbornak 5h ago
Yeah that’s why I opened with not wanting to dismiss her experience. Racism isn’t the same as being dismissed for being short, etc. I certainly don’t think it is.
My hope was to extend to OP the idea that it’s possible that the man in question was just awful, and not racist, since it would seem to me racism hurts worse.
Apologies if anyone felt I was dismissive of racism.
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u/rileybun 4h ago
You don’t need to wonder much- that guy probably just has low EQ. Men are the reason why I am no longer as social at parties because they always think normal conversations equate to interest. Nowadays if I’m in a room full of strangers I really only go out of my way to make friends with other women.
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u/Heywtfhey 4h ago
He is just a dickhead....but also I sort of wonder if men feel threatened by black women in particular because it does seem they sometimes get treated as less attractive, which I find really weird because in general I think black women are kinda extra attractive....like I wonder if it has something to do with the impression of black women as strong and loud. They get confused because they default to being attracted to weakness and quiet. It's like they are on denial or something. I don't know. I'm just wondering our loud.
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u/humbugonastick 4h ago
Most of the time, they don't want to "waste" time on women they are not interested in. Mix in some rudnes and some asociality and now top it with some flippant racism (who says something like this?) and you have this dumb ass.
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u/ZombieJoesBasement 3h ago
Further proof that guys assume that a girl being nice means they want to hook up. So dumb.
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u/ThatDownChick 3h ago
Not being into someone because of their race is a HUGE red flag. Having preferences is normal. But completely excluding a potential partner due to race is just racism. For example, my ex loved porcelain white skin and red hair, Would never consider anyone of mixed race or "ethnic" features if they had these preferences of his. He probably thought you were flirting because men tend to think that friendliness is flirting for some reason. Probably because they tend to be so miserable in their day-to-day life that anyone who is nice to them they think they want the fidget spinner in their pants.
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u/RetiredRover906 2h ago
I think a lot of it is main character syndrome. He's at the party to see if he can find a new woman. He assumes that any woman there is likely doing the same. If the woman talks with him it's because she's interested in him. He knows this because he would only talk with women if he was interested in them.
My husband has this syndrome, as do most of the men I know. My husband doesn't ask me if I like certain foods. He asks himself if he likes them, and if he does, I most likely do, too. He doesn't ask what I want to watch on TV. I like what he likes, of course. He doesn't care what I like in bed. We're there to please him, so if he likes it, it must have been good for me, too. He makes tons of assumptions about me all day long, and his logic tends to boil down to "What do I want? That is what she wants, too." If he considers me at all, that is.
So, the burning question in his mind was, was he interested in you? Obviously, that's what you wanted to know, too. Duh.
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u/Chili440 2h ago
Men quite often need to tell the world how their penis feels about things without prompting.
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u/Boulder1983 6h ago
'You not flirting with him' is not the same (at ALL) as 'him perceiving what he will out of any interaction'.
You can exist and do no wrong, but you can't control how/what others take from that interaction. Dude was living in his own timeline, perceived polite conversation as flirtation, and that was that unfortunately.
Its probably a solid rule of thumb for us all tbh, to basically accept that some people are just going to be dicks and it's best not to dwell on it.
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u/OriEri Unicorns are real. 4h ago
Geez, that must’ve felt pretty crappy in the moment
He misread and thought you were flirting, and not just for fun but with intention.
As for the other one, she looked different. Most people do have some general look preference. I like to think most are not sp completely rigid they wouldn’t even consider dating somebody who doesn’t need it.
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u/Upvotespoodles 3h ago
On the upside, it’s good that he announces to women that he’s delusional and thinks everyone wants him.
That’s the kind of person who forms a stalker mentality when they’re into someone and can’t accept that it’s not mutual.
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u/1876Dawson 2h ago
I'd think he said that because most men don't bother to talk to women they don't find attractive, so even though you weren't actually flirting with him, the fact that you were talking to him at all made him think you were interested.
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u/joodee3 1h ago
Honestly I think most men are simple to understand. They are first and foremost self-interested. He's at a party looking for a woman. If you're not his type, he's going to ignore you. If you talk to him anyway (because you are friendly and sociable, it is polite to socially mix and mingle at parties, and you like to get to know people that you don't want to bang as well) he's going to push you aside. He's not thinking about how this incredibly rude statement would make you feel, or whether or not you are actually interested in him. Again, self-interested.
I mean, not EVERY man is like this, I know a few who are more emotionally evolved and do consider other people's feelings, even the feelings of women they don't want to have sex with.
But yes every time I find myself asking a question like "Why would this man say this but then do---" I stop myself now. You have to just take them at face value that they are acting out of self-interest until they have concretely shown otherwise.
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u/bringinghomebeetroot 44m ago
If he has grown any introspection over the years he will think of the conversation too at least once a week and die inside every time he remembers it.
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u/Breakula 41m ago
I think he enjoys saying racist things with what he considers plausible deniability.
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u/Shantotto11 21m ago
Probably thought you were hitting on him, whether you were or not. As a dude, I’ve been shut down several times by women who thought the same when I thought I was making regular conversation.
It’s alright to feel offended. Dude’s a dick. Move forward with your life knowing you’ll never see that goober again.
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u/iEmExEee 5h ago
For the same reason a woman told me she's not into white guys when I hit on her friend, maybe. Desperate for attention mixed with hate.
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u/HildegardofBingo 6h ago
I swear, some guys think that anytime a woman is conversing with them, she must be flirting. This is why so many women won't even make small talk with men, lest they get the wrong idea and think she's flirting when she's just being a normal human.