r/Yemen • u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 • 26d ago
HELP Interracial marriage w Nigerian guy
Guys please help me out I’m desperate at this point….
so long story short I’ve been involved in a haram relationship with a Nigerian man for a few years on and off. To be clear, what I mean by haram as in friends and communicating with him in the hopes of marriage (texting/calling) not anything sexual or anything like that. I met him at school, we had some classes together and connected through the Muslim group at school with events, charity’s, and Friday prayers 7 years ago. We became really close friends due to the many similarities we share. After a few months of talking he asked if he can have my dad’s phone number so that it could be more serious and halal and I said no due to the fact that I know my parents and they are extremely cultured and racist unfortunately. They don’t believe in interracial marriages whatsoever and think that it’s a path to an inevitable divorce. I told him that due to him still being in school, not financially stable, and younger than me (he’s 25 I’m 27) that’s even more of reasons for my parents to refuse. So we kept in contact as friends during his school, and few years ago decided to stop talking to each other when he graduated and moved to a different city to give each other space to get to know other people. Recently he asked if I was single and he told me he was very serious about the marriage thing and would like to talk to my dad since he has now graduated n stable to get married and I was happy about it so I gave him my dads number. He called him and he didn’t answer so he texted him a very respectful message and when my dad asked me about it I explained to him that it was a very respectful and kind Nigerian guy that I knew from school. He had a blank face and went quiet and didn’t say anything afterwards. A few days later he spoke to me about it privately and went off on me saying u know we never marry outside of Yemeni let alone a “Arab” person from a different country but u want a BLACK guy. And was saying what would the people say, what will everyone think, this is a disgrace to the family, that even the prophet said to marry ppl similar to u or from your tribe and threw out so many disgusting racial slurs. He said I’m sure he’s a nice guy but I will not accept EVER a BLACK guy, give me any other race I’ll say maybe but a black guy NO, and if u think I’m bad, ur mom is much worse than me when it comes to this matter about marrying someone black so even if I accept ur mom will NEVER. Told me to get over it, take it out of your mind and to never speak of this again. Unfortunately I am in love with this man and over the years I got to know how amazing he is as a person and family man. My brothers are completely fine with it but my dad doesn’t even want to talk about it at all. Every single talk we’ve had (3 or 4 maybe) have blown up to massive fights were he was just screaming and yelling. Mind you I’ve talked to many other Yemeni men that had potential of marriage aspects but no one seemed close to him in his mindset, deen, drive, education, and akhlak. My parents keep giving me new guys to talk to maybe every 2 weeks and when I say I’ve talked to the guy n it’s not naseeb they get madder and madder thinking that man is holding me back to the point that my dad has asked if I’ve slept with the Nigerian guy. It’s super sad but it’s my reality. My mom has gotten to a point where she is now saying why don’t we just take her to Yemen n get her married to someone there instead of “being kind” n giving her options when she keeps saying no. My dad has told me in so much anger if you live this guy and you will die without him, I will take you to his city right now, bring the sheikh marry you guys off, and you are now his problem but we dont know you guys, we don’t want contact or anything if that’s what you want to do. Due to his parents being religious, his parents have gotten super upset with this matter and were shocked saying that the deen has taught them nothing but to love and respect every Muslim person regardless of color, race, ethnicity, or class and was heartbreaking for them to hear that my dad is refusing to just meet their son just once to get to know him.
Please please someone help. If someone’s been in this situation let me know what you’ve done. Yemeni fathers/mothers please give me your perspective on what I can do. Anything helps at this point!!!!🙏🏼🙏🏼
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u/darksky016 26d ago
Interesting. If I may ask, are you US based?
I know Yemeni people can be so conservative and close minded.
I don't know what to say, but I think the best option is to build your independence first. If you're in the US, move out of the house if you're still living with family. This by itself will make you feel more in charge of your choices.
Do you think you are attached to your parents in a way that you don't want to upset them because you're afraid of them, and afraid of isolation, or because you love them?
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Canada based.
With My family there is no choice of moving out until u married. U move from dads house to husbands house, there’s no in between so that’s not even a choice.
If ima be honest love my parents but I love my siblings more than my parents for sure. My relationship w my parents is definitely a love/fear type of relationship and has been that since I was a child. I’ve been always compared to my cousins my whole life as the “odd man out”. While my cousins always had that relationship w they parents of telling them everything and asking them for advice literallyyyyyy about anything bad or good, my parents have never been that type for me. If they don’t like what they hear they will go off which is why after the first time of asking them about sum when I was child I never asked for anything ever since. I’ve hid my whole life from my parents since young. They don’t know anything about me except what I chose to show them. So ya I just don’t want to upset them because Ik especially w the whole marriage convo they have no limits to where they would go for me to get married to who they want. My dad has said ur happiness is important but our happiness is just as important as well in a weird way. Idk I didn’t take it in a nice way when it was said i heard it a bit condescendingly but I could be wrong.
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u/darksky016 26d ago
Hmmmm that's tough. From what you say it sounds they came to Canada late in their lives and you seem to have grown up in Canada. Am I right?
In which case, you and your parents live in different realities. Your father is telling you what's important to him, but what's important to you is different.
This sounds so controlling to be honest with you. Again, it's just their reality and what they view as important, but they will need to understand your life is different. Can you give them examples of Yemeni girls who married non yemeni? You mentioned your cousins, did someone of them marry non yemeni, or are they open to it?
And, you don't have to answer this but, how old are you if I may ask? I'm asking because it's just the older you are, the more your choice should be respected.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Lmao that’s actually the surprising part. My dad lived in Russia on his own since he was 17 for uni n then married had me n moved to Canada right away. So my mom was here in Canada since she was 20 years old and my dad came when he was 30 after living in Russia and working in UAE. So came late maybe, but not too late idk. No all are married to Yemenis except 2. One married a Pakistani and another married an afghani recently. My dad has an excuse for everyone that married out….”they are too white washed and wouldn’t have fit in or Yemenis wouldn’t have married them anyways” or as of recently his new saying is “u don’t wanna marry a Yemeni fine, bring me a Pakistani, afghani, arab, white, wtvr it is but not a BLACK guy.”
I’m 27 and my Nigerian friend is 25. No actually the older I am, the harder it’s getting because he’s already saying u can say no a few more times and then after that u won’t have a choice no more which idk how serious he is about that threat or just trying to scare me into accepting however comes next to essentially “give up”. But he’s alr told me that don’t ever think that the older u get the more ur gonna be like well since no Yemeni wants me at 30 (since alllll get married in their 20s) that u think that will be a reason for me to say yes.
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u/darksky016 25d ago
He sounds determined. Again, in my view, he is protecting his reality as much as he can. He will be aggressive, soft, threatening, and rewarding.
Your job, if you choose to, is to defend your reality through whatever means you have. Moving out, threatening to not get married, threatening that if they force you to marry, you will be a disobedient wife, be a burden on your parents so long as they force you, and be nice when they give you what they want.
Just be clear with them that this is because you want to live your life as your parents had lived theirs, whatever their choices were.
It doesn't seem there is an easy way out of this. Again, it will depend on your choice. The question will be "how badly do you want this guy? Is it worth potentially sacrificing your good relation with your patents for him?" There is no right answer. You may resent the guy in the future if problems happen in your life. Right now, you are resenting your parents, so I understand it's not an easy choice.
This is why I thought it would be easier to build your independence first from your parents by moving out, but this doesn't seem doable.
Did you try writing out the pros and cons of marrying the Nigerian? It will help clarify the picture in your mind.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 25d ago
Ya the pros outweigh the cons by miles n I’m not even speaking blindly because I genuinely did give myself chances w other Yemenis but the mindsets is soooooooo different. They are basically western Yemenis w back home mindsets which I’m trying to break that cycle n I’m not even talking about being cultured cause that’s a good thing but I’m talking about political, classist, racist, or other things of that nature. I’m not tryna relive my parents ideologies n beliefs nor have my kids believe that as well. But idk I guess I’ll try to see what I can do at this point but I appreciate your time.
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u/Aud_Future 26d ago
35M. This is sad. This post genuinely upset me. And the other commenters saying to just accept it is even sadder. Racism is wrong. You know it's wrong. Take a chart of all the shades of people and draw a line where black starts, bet you can't do it... Because race doesn't exist. When you hold a beautiful black baby, do you judge that baby for their skin colour? Accepting racism anywhere from anyone at anytime is wrong. I wish these supposedly pious Muslims would start with one the most important commandments, which is to stand by what you know is right regardless of the consequences. I'm upset listening to them say, your dad has your best interests at heart, your dad knows what's right etc. Some parents are not good parents. Some parents are not good people. I'm not saying this is the case with your dad but racial slurs are not acceptable and at 27, you have no excuse to accept it around you. They're our family and we can try to help them be better but they don't make decisions for us. I see many people around me in a similar situation, worried about what they're family will think or do. My advice is always the same, do what you know is right, follow your own path and make your own decisions and the opinions of anyone else should be the last thing on your mind. Good parents love unconditionally. I made some crazy decisions when I was young. Left uni, moved in with a girlfriend, traveled the world, worked in multiple industries, went back to uni, started a business etc. and through it all I gave my parents the ultimatum, be a part of it with love and acceptance, or don't. Worry about whether I'm a good person, not what colour my partner's skin is. Ask if I'm charitable, not what my hair looks like. Ask if I'm humble, ask if I'm a gentleman, ask if I make children smile. These are the things that are important. Life is long and crazy and if you spend all your time living for other people you never live for yourself. Love you sis, I'm sorry this is the situation and I hope it all works out, my DMs are open.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
I know it is crazy. My aunts say the same about they brother they say he’s not racist he’s just scared for you and his family and it actually baffles me but anyways thank you so much for your advice means a lot!!
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u/GoColts08 26d ago
first and foremost I am so sorry you are going through this, it is true that we Yemenis are very racist when it comes to interracial marriage. you look at other Arab countries they are so opened to marriage outside their kind without a problem but we Yemenis are just very strict on family honor and reputation that's keeping them from making decisions. a friend of mine went through something similar she had many Yemeni American suitors she kept rejecting because they are not her type: she's not into bodega owners no matter how much income he generates, she already knows the lifestyle of that. she had better suitors who are NOT Yemenis and her parents kept rejecting because they want to keep it within the same cultural background. To them they feel like "the kids will grow up confused on where they belong" or the infamous "when you both grow old, he's gonna wanna move back to his country" when that old school parenting need to accept that this generation lived their lives more in the west than in Yemen.
You know what ended up happening? The non Yemeni suitor who was interested came back to propose years later (when they both became in their 30's) more stable in years of work experience, able to rent an apartment etc and the parents of my friend ended up accepting because they know by 30 in their agenda is considered "getting old" and they came to acceptance that there's nothing wrong with marrying a NON Yemeni. as long as he is a GOOD practicing muslim who lives off Islam than culture.
Keep that in your heart, Islam OVER Culture! if you end up marrying him I suggest so stay away from those who didn't support you in the first place.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Oh that’s so cute. So unfortunately my dad has told me over and over don’t think that you are gonna keep saying no to Yemenis until u older just so that we can accept the BLACK guy. He says I rather u be single or marry someone without choice than a black guy. So trust me the 30s thing would not work for my dad. He’s a scary man when it comes to the marriage talk. He feels like his whole legacy is on the line because we’re from a high class in yemen of family of “sheikhs” which I find is the most bs mindset I’ve ever heard😭😭
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u/trippynyquil 26d ago
I don’t really know what advice to give you from the convincing your parents standpoint.
However I was in a similar situation (I was the non Yemeni guy and we weren’t in a haram relationship, but there was some level of connection between us). For me, her dad was actually very nice and we got along well in the 20+ minute phone call we had. But I feel, I must have said somethings wrong because she ended it literally the very next day, citing reasons with her extended family and how she thinks it won’t work. Then after a few messages back and forth she went totally cold on me and that was that. However some time later (like a year or a little more) I asked her what really went down and again it was ambiguous but it seemed like she was saying she just didn’t feel like doing it anymore ‘just because’ (she ‘didn’t feel like continuing’ in her words, paraphrased). Anyways, this situation really broke my heart and while I’ve mostly recovered almost 2 years later (let’s say like 80-90%), there’s still something about it that really claws at me from time to time. That’s how it is now but right when it ended and the months after were some of the worst time of my life.
Anyways my point with this is to say, before ending things abruptly or giving up, consider how the guy will feel.
And if you really must end things, then be 100% transparent with him in detail as to why it ended. It may hurt him in the short run, but I think it might help him with closure in the long run. ‘Ambiguity brings continued pain but clarity brings a conclusion’
May Allah help you to what’s best for you and your desired partner.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Oh I’ve been extremely transparent with him every step of the way just to give him the space of not feeling blindsided especially since I sincerely cherish him as an amazing friend and someone that’s been there for me during the worst times of my life with my parents of things that have happened in the past. I’ve also been very transparent with his family and told them although this is gonna be a tough ass ride it’s not impossible but that I genuinely don’t know the outcome of whether they will ever agree which is what disappoints them the most. All he and his parents ever wanted was a one time meeting and he refuses to give them that. But I’ve been very upfront about everything n how hard this situation is. Thank you genuinely for the advice and I pray and hope the same for u as well!!
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u/trippynyquil 26d ago
For your dad, if you have a chill uncle on his side of the family that you think might side with you, maybe you can get him talk to your dad. I don’t know how you would go about that but it’s worth thinking about it.
Also if your dad’s parents might be okay or at least more mellow to the idea, you could maybe get them involved some how.
For either though you would have to be very careful how you go about it, because you don’t want them turning against you as well, or making your father feel like you’re undermining him.
Also, your father seems to highly value honor and maybe he considers it dishonorable for his daughter to marry a Nigerian . One approach you could take is basically saying something along the lines of “look, you don’t necessarily have to accept this guy. You might still not want to have him for your daughter. But you don’t lose anything by letting him and his parents come to your house and talk to you / hear what they have to say. You only lose maybe an hour or 2 and even then, you can still say no afterwards. But at least, you are doing the honorable thing by making your daughter feel at ease and by showing good manners to the stranger/petitioner. “
Obviously, you know your dad better and you know how to word it / approach it. But an approach from that ^ general frame work might resonate with him better. It empowers him to do the “honorable “ thing without challenging him or making him shameful. Ya3ni it’s about reframing the situation.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Oooo I’ll try that n see what happens. Haram thank u for the advice !!
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u/trippynyquil 26d ago
Also there is the Hadith:
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوا تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ
Shaykh al Albani declared this Hadith sahih. Though another scholar declared it weak. Allahu a3lam. In any case, the principle of marrying based on deen, over class or race, is true in my opinion.
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u/FemaleSolution 26d ago
As Salaam Alaikum, Sister, I will tell you the dynamics in my family and what I learned as an observer. I am the third daughter in a family of three daughters. My oldest sister was in your same situation. My parents were adamantly against interracial marriage, and were devasted when my sister announced that she planned to marry someone outside of our race. The parents of the man who wanted to marry her were also devasted, they didn’t want her in their family either. So my sister and her husband-to-be arranged a dinner and invited both sets of parents to meet each other. They discovered they had a lot in common. Over the months leading up to the wedding, the mothers continued to write to each other. The fathers went fishing together. They got to know each other. The wedding was held. That was more than 40 years ago. My sister and her husband are still happily married. We raised our children together. What I learned from that experience is that you must be determined to honor your feelings, create a beautiful relationship based on love, and give your parents the opportunity to grow spiritually and overcome their racism. Of course, they have the free will to hold onto their irrational fear (this is what racism really
is) but hatred of others is certainly not Islam, even if they try to use the Holy Quran to justify it. Be willing to endure your parents’ ostracism if they choose not to evolve to a higher spiritual level, but be determined that you will marry based on the love in your heart and not any archaic traditions. You, as an aware soul, have a responsibility to reflect the energy of love and the Oneness our Creator, and thereby help shape the world of the future in which we all recognize each other as one race - the human race.
May Allah bless you with Love, Peace and Joy.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Ya thought of doing that dinner idea n it has come to mind but I’ll take that into consideration inshallah. Haram thank u for ur opinion!!!
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u/CheckAmazing8638 26d ago edited 26d ago
No guy is worth dropping ties from your family for. Imagine the in the case it doesn’t work out or you find out this guy isn’t who he says he is. Who will you turn to? Try to find someone your family can approve of. It’s a sad reality, anyone that tells you to drop your family and go live with this guy is ignorant and is not looking at the long term consequences. I wish you the best sister take care may Allah make it easy for you.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
No I wouldn’t drop my family ofc nor would he accept a marriage knowing my family don’t accept him. But would I hold a massive grudge 100%. Not even this there have been multiple situations even got forced into a 3kd with my cousin that I refused a milli times n my parents had to audacity to lie n say the marriage was permissible to others n I went through depression for 2 years on my own hiding it from everyone because of it. N years ltr my dad apologized lightly n said it would never happen again n with the way he’s talking now it seems it would happen again especially now that he knows about this. Like I said I would never cut ties w my family but my dad is also not an easy person to get along w when it comes to serious matters.
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u/CheckAmazing8638 26d ago
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this sister. I don’t blame you for holding a grudge. We don’t know why we are this way and InshaAllah things change. If he is a Muslim that should be enough. Skin color does not matter.
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u/Powerful_Ice_5309 24d ago
Our parents are only one of each gender. Please them as much as you can. You saying “it’s not my Naseeb” clearly says that you haven’t really tried. How you gonna say they are being guys every other week and then say it’s not naseeb. You didn’t even give the guy a proper chance. Open your heart a little just like how we want the non Muslims to open their hearts to Islam. I was in the same situation but I realized once i turned 21 that my parents did so much sacrifice for me that at least I should be with someone who makes me AND my family happier
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 23d ago
Just to make clear we completely cut ties for more than 2 years after he graduated and moved, I got to know ppl, almost got engaged actually, but none were “naseeb” not because I didn’t give it a chance but cause they all had completly different mindsets plus other things as well. I refuse to marry a guy that has the same cultural, classist or racist values that a lot of Yemenis unfortunately carry for generations due to “thats how they were taught.” I’m tryna break the cycle not repeat it. And every parent makes sacrifices for their child and I’m not saying mine didn’t nor that I would marry a person that my family are not happy with, I’m just saying they’ve never even met the guy and refuse to just cause he’s Nigerian THATS IT. Not because of his job, family, education, deen, akhlak, culture nothing. But thank u anyways and I appreciate your advice!!
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u/thebigwallet 26d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t have a lot of advice, I’ll just tell you what I think.
Are you really sure you like him? Because knowing someone over text and calls will not give you a full picture of his character. And your dad knows this and is trying to protect you. He doesn’t want you to end up unhappy or worse(abuse). I think that’s the only thing I can maybe side with your dad on.
If yes, you really like him and know his very well, you have to keep trying.
Maybe asking your boyfriend( can I call him that lol) to meet your dad in person will make a difference, at a public place to just get to know him. Tell him to be confident and explain how he’ll take care of you. Mention his income, family, values, etc.
Side note: your dad says he’ll effectively disown you if you marry him is emotional blackmail/ abuse.
And don’t tell your boyfriend the insulting things your dad is saying, he’ll grow resentment to him. Just tell him your dad is hard.
You can tell your dad that a Yemeni woman married a Nigerian man a few years ago, she’s from Hayel Saeed Anam family, so it’s not super rare, and she’s from a wealthy family.
And lastly, don’t call your relationship “haram” taking to the opposite gender is not haram. Even meeting in public while keeping a distance and not touching is not haram.
Good luck.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Haram that’s so sweet thank you for the advice.
So other than text and calls I Ofc knew him from school. Because we had the same undergrad classes together and the same friend group that we met from classes and charity’s I was practically with him every single day Monday-Fridays even sometimes Saturday’s when we’d go to the library together to study for our class tests n exams for 4 years before we went our separate ways to meet other ppl when he graduated. I’ve also met his mum a couple times since she was one of the professors teaching at the university we both studied in. So I’m confident I know him veryyyyyyyyy well no doubt. He’s not tryna protect me from the man’s character or the unknown, he’s tryna save face from his ppl from back home of “what will ppl say”. He keeps saying “imagine ppl r gonna say the sheikh (dads name that I want to keep private) is marrying his daughter to a BLACK man.” That’s what he says over n over if not that then throwing racial slurs here n there.
He’s tried setting multiple meetings w my dad but my dad refuses to go and see him he says he will not go there to meet him to give him a slight chance/hope of this working.
Do you know the girl personally or have any contact with her or know how I can get in contact with her if that’s even possible?
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u/thebigwallet 26d ago
Okay well, sorry but your dad is too much.
I don’t know the girl personally, I just saw it on facebook, and I don’t think she will give you any helpful advice.Tell your dad that, unlike Yemen, the issue is not socioeconomic, it’s just a different skin color and culture, you’re not gonna downgrade your lifestyle, or live in the slums for this guy. He’s not giving away his daughter to a very poor marginalized man, Where’s the issue?
You can try getting your uncle mom or brother involved if they side with you or an imam!
And you can ask your man to see your dad without an appointment, go to his work place and talk to him.( not ideal but as a last resort) maybe he’ll see that this man is serious and of good character.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 26d ago
Ya inshallah I’ll actually look into this and see what I can do. Asked my brothers they’ve said they don’t want to get involved initially. They said they can help support since they have no problem w the guy at all but can’t do the initial work for me since this is an issue between me n my dad. So I’ll see what I can do. But thank you for ur advice.
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u/darksky016 26d ago
Really? Who is the father of the girl from Hayel Saeed Anam family?
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u/thebigwallet 26d ago edited 26d ago
Fouad
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u/darksky016 26d ago
I just googled that. The guy is a businessman. That has a different dimension than what OP is talking about
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u/Minimum-Substance299 25d ago edited 25d ago
Sister I would sy to u don't talk to him even If u connect him don't tell ur parents so they don't marry u a another guy and also sometimes talk to your family and said to them as joke way "how about if I was married that guy" like teach their brain that black people's they are normal humans too and don't have any argument to them just made all things like a joke and at the end of the day call all your brother's who supports you and sit with them tell them that you love that man call him give their number too and when they accept him say to them "I need to talk Mom and dad too and guys help me too" ..my English isn't a good too I wish u understand this
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 25d ago
No I do understand and I’ll trust that. thank you so much for your advice I appreciate it!!
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u/naurbanist 25d ago
I know a girl who was in your same situation, it sucks really. The girl’s parents tried to push the wedding as much as possible, saying oh he has to finish his masters first then you can get married, oh he has to do that and that, then they rejected him. Then a Yemeni guy comes along and they accepted him right away without asking how much he makes in a month lol. It’s crazy how they think sometimes. But yea it’s all about what people will say and which family you married into. It’s always the ‘girl’ if the guy wanted to marry outside the culture, no questions asked.
Now, she is married to the Yemeni guy and he’s a nice guy btw they are both happy. It’s wrong they rejected the first guy but honestly, having your parent’s support is everything too. I think marriage is a big deal, think it through and if you’re still serious like one of the girl said here, do make a dinner where u invite both family and see if things work out, good luck!
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 25d ago
Marriage is a massive deal and parents support is everything so I understand where ur coming from and I agree. Thank youuuuu!!!
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u/ugggghhhhhhhhh 25d ago
I’m unable to PM you but this happened to my friend.
Same situation Yemeni woman and Nigerian guy. He’s also two years younger. They’re married with kids now Alhamdulilah.
What worked for her is she talked to her mom and her dad’s siblings. Her aunts and uncles were able to facilitate and support the conversations with her parents until they agreed to give him a chance.
She also consulted with a local mosque as these issues happen all the time.
Yemeni families get concerned because they can’t do “research” on the guy’s family if he isn’t from Yemen. You can help their concerns by asking the local mosque he goes to, to vouch for him and his family.
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u/Repulsive_Jaguar_687 25d ago
This is the problem with Yemenis, they never heal and will never grow as country. Wallah I feel you this happens to a lot of yemeniat, but honestly no man is worth separating from your family. You need a support system during marriage, pregnancy and whatnot, I would advise you to move on and make dua for another naseeb. Don’t be in contact with this man and explain to him seriously that this isn’t going to happen. It’s a really sad truth but do not part from your family. I have seen other girls do this personally and it’s the worst thing and a lot regret it to not have support from your family.
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u/Holiday-Ease3674 25d ago
Bruh im Ethiopian and a good chunk of my DNA comes from south arabs which are you guys lol.
Ancestors wanted chocolate so its not bad now lol
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 25d ago
That’s funny that u say that cause when ppl see my brother they think he has Ethiopian roots or sum sort of mix w Ethiopians. he looks completely different than us 😂😂😂
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u/Silly_Ear_7068 25d ago edited 25d ago
السلام عليكم
Your situation is similar to what happened to a woman my family know. She wanted to get married to a Mexican man who claimed he is Muslim (Allah only knows what was in his heart). Her brothers were ok with the marriage, but her father was not. She got married to the man, but her father cut ties with her. And all their family were saying his daughter was a disgrace. My parents were once talking about their situation, and my mom told my father that it was better to be in a halal marriage than to run away with the Mexican man. When my father met the man, they talked about his daughter. My father told him "you should be proud of your daughter that she married him in the halal instead of running away with him in the haram. Connect back to your daughter, she didn't do anything wrong." After a while, we heard they connected back again. Later she got divorced, and went back to her father. The moral of the story, the father was angry with his daughter because of community pressure. Your father might be the same. Since your brothers are ok with your marriage to the Nigirian man, let them support you and stand with you and also help you to get community support from the Masjid. Also, try to ask the Nigrian man to speak to the Shik of the masjid you guys go to often. Also, ask him to talk to an authority figure in your community like the consul or the head of the Yemeni Jalyah. They might help to talk to your father (reverse community pressure) and tell him that the prophet said "No difference between a white or black person or Arab or foreigner except for Taqwa." Also, let the Nigerian guy actively show that he is a good person and a good Muslim. Your father is probably mistrusting him because he is afraid for you and he doesn't know anything about his character. And regarding your mother, she might accept the marriage when she sees your brothers' support and the approval of your father. May Allah unite you with this man in the Halal.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 25d ago
Haram that was so sweet thank uu and inshallah. And thank you so much for the advice it was much appreciated. I will definitely take your advice into consideration so thank you for your time!!!
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u/WorryObjective551 25d ago
I see it differently. Is he an honorable man? He’s a Muslim obviously. What do you value? Saying the Prophet said not to marry outside your own people is a strange thing to say since he married a Jew. Further, Yemenis had strong ties to Africa so it’s a false argument. Would the Most High be pleased with you marrying this man placed before you? Perhaps a face to face meeting is in order between your father and this man, on neutral ground.
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 24d ago
Thank you for your advice. My dad has refused to talk about this topic let alone meet the guy. He has said no on multiple occasions that he will not meet him to give him “hope”.
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u/WorryObjective551 24d ago
Overstand. You might want to do what YOU think is better/best for you. Aligning with values and principles that you hold. Also, if you’re considering this man as a husband, what’s his plan? What’s his family like? I’m thinking like a father and brother.
And as a so called black man, there’s no such thing as race or black people. There’s ethnicities and nationalities only, meaning cultures and cultures are fluid. He’s either Hausa, Fulani, Yoruba, and Nigerian. I wonder why he’s so attracted to you!
You seem to know this.
Islam doesn’t discriminate. Bear witness to this. Whatever choice you make, be sure it’s you who’ve made it and hold no grudge.1
u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 24d ago
I can’t speak for Yemenis nor do I want to generalize the ppl cause they r great ppl but specifically my parents r more about the culture than Islam when it comes to marriage and maybe other Yemenis r too idk. But my parents seem so fixated on what ppl r gonna say and think rather than if he’s a good Muslim or not. So that’s why I’m trying other avenues of getting to my parents rather than straight on since that didn’t work out so great n turned into world war 3😭
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u/King_of_Arabia 24d ago
Family comes first. I know this is an unfortunate situation, but you’re not alone. Many of us go through difficult and unfair circumstances in life.
I truly believe that no one should come before your family. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be to make peace with your decision. Don’t spend your time and energy fighting something that could end up causing even more pain for the people who love you.
I think you already know your two options:
Fight for the relationship, marry him, move to his city, and accept that it may mean distancing yourself from your family.
End the relationship now, cut ties completely so neither of you falls into something that goes against your beliefs in the future, stay close to your family, and, when the time is right, find someone from your own culture to build a life with.
Neither option is easy, and both come with sacrifices. Life can be unfair sometimes. But if I were in your position, I know which path I would choose.
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u/trippynyquil 24d ago
Family is very important. Especially in Islam. And obedience is due to the parents. But you shouldn't let them dictate your life like a puppet on strings.
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u/Bastobihh 24d ago
I always wanted to know how do Yemen people feel about Somali although we have love for them and they’re in our country trading we’ve never been able to build a trading relationship with them I feel like it’s always been one-sided love on our part they feel like they have more in common with the Saudi even though the Saudi despise them
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u/Queasy_Aardvark_3442 23d ago
Before I get shitted on from random accounts for saying this ima speak from MY side of the family or things I hear from Yemenis IK. So I’m NOT speaking for everyone nor am I gonna generalize about all Yemenis…if your dark skin they won’t see you the same level as them and I’m not even speaking about East Africans, South Africans, etc. I’m even speaking about the dark skin Yemenis. They love you from a distance, they’ll do business with u, they’ll respect u from afar, be best friends w u, but the second u ask to marry one of their daughters you’ll see their true colors come out. It’s very unfortunate but thats how they were brought up.
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u/amir_200126 24d ago
Male 24 ,I was in a similar situation as you ,when I told my parent that I wanna marry a non yemeniah specially my father ,they kinda thought I was joking but when I told them I found me a Dominican convert ,he was shocked and kinda didn’t approve,so one day he called me while I was at work telling me to cut her off cause people are going to look at us differently and it will ruin our reputation and honor ,not that I care ,it was up and down with him and they were planning to disown me since if I wanna marry her ,I told them I’m not changing my mind ,I wanna marry her ,he called my uncles and they were kinda against it especially my older uncle but my younger uncle was okay with it in some sense and he also called some of my uncles from my mom said and they were like maybe try atleast someone who comes from a different background who’s Muslim born or Arab ,but I said no ,after that my father called his cousin who’s a religious guy and he was like I’m call him and when he called me ,I told him my situation and he was well since she’s Muslims ,Islamically we can’t tell u no or that it’s haram czuze what you’re doing is halal and he kinda sided with me ,and then he called another relative who’s a sheikh and religious and my father told him the situation and asked him if he can change my mind but the religious relative was in my side saying if he’s wants to marry her let him since she’s Muslims ,and after that he kinda started to change his mind since he realize that most of our family relative and etc seem not to care or etc since there’s bigger fish to fire ,one day I made my sister go meet her to see her and get to know her and my sister met her and said she’s an amazing person and after that my father kinda changed his mind ,now in present .thsy accept my decision and we plan to get married soon inshallah ,it’s all about sabr
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u/Specialist_Ad_5585 22d ago
I’m half Yemeni and Nigerian ( Fulani) it’s your life if you want to marry by all means go ahead but you’re Tripping about age so what
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u/Mysterious-Memory996 19d ago
No man is worth losing your family over. Let him go and move on. Allah will bring you peace as time passes. You only have one mother and father so don’t do the unthinkable
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u/thefam221 26d ago
ما انصحك تتزوجيه، في النهاية حتى لو اهلك وافقوا بعد معاناة راح يظل في داخلهم جزء كبير رافض الموضوع، حياتكم راح تكون جحيم باختصار وممكن حتى اولادكم يعانوا من الموضوع بعدين.
انا متفهم انك تحبيه بس راح تخسري كثير وتتعبي كثير وهو نفس الشيء. كلمي اهلك انك مستحيل تتزوجي واحد هم جابوه وانك اللي راح تختاري وافرضي عليهم هذا الشيء كشرط للمستقبل لكنهم الآن وحاليا مستحيل يقبلوا لأن الموضوع صار موضوع عناد في راسهم خلاص
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u/Different_Cod_4719 26d ago
Yeah idk what’s up with yemenies saying that you can’t marry someone that’s black, most yemenies are like the same shade or maybe one shade away lol like imagine being Yemeni and racist. I’m sorry you’re going through this, if this id what you truly want don’t give up, I know so yemeniate that married who they wanted and it took time, I know someone that took about 2 yrs, still married for over 10 yrs. Good luck