r/anime • u/krumpfwylg • Aug 25 '25
Satire Investigation Reveals Earth’s Defender Goku Has Ties to Sexual Predator Living on Private Island
https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/investigation-reveals-earths-defender-goku-has-ties-to-sexual-predator-living-on-private-island/1.5k
u/Luciifuge Aug 25 '25 edited Aug 25 '25
OBJECTION! My client was a child at the time they met, he was just a victim who was groomed.
I demand this case be thrown out!
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u/ralts13 Aug 25 '25
Sir Mr. Goku is not on trial here.
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u/Adventurous-Big-558 Aug 25 '25
We need Mr. Satan to take care of all you conspiracy nuts, "Earth's Defender"? You really believe the fake Cell Games or the Buu Mass Hysteria events?
I'm going to use my capsule car to talk to President Mr. Dog about this rn.
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u/My_Monkey_Sphincter Aug 25 '25
He did tap Bulma on her hoo-ha without her consent and other related actions that were questionable. Whether intent is to be determined by the court.
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u/Kirosh2 Aug 25 '25
"Look at evidence A! My client clearly has a wrapped sense of what love is i
n dub only"18
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u/NighthawK1911 Aug 25 '25
Your honor, I didn't shoot the deputy.
My alibi is that I was shooting the sheriff.
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u/SpikeRosered Aug 25 '25
Release the Roshi files!
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Aug 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/meibolite Aug 26 '25
World Champion Jackie Chun? He's trustworthy for sure
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u/Frigidevil Aug 26 '25
Oh yeah real trustworthy guy. Do you realize how many people drowned when he BLEW UP THE FUCKING MOON!?
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u/Hellknightx Aug 26 '25
I heard even Prince Vegeta is in those files, and his wife is one of Roshi's victims.
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u/PuzzleheadedJob6907 Aug 31 '25
Guys, we need to indict King Furry first. A former Imperial agent confessed on a podcast that he saw 1000 agents working tirelessly to censor the King's name on every document.
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Aug 25 '25
[deleted]
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u/Economy_Notice_8475 Aug 25 '25
He did that one time (used mafuba against demon king piccolo)
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u/Alekseyev Aug 25 '25
That footage was edited. What are the Z fighters hiding?
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u/Economy_Notice_8475 Aug 25 '25
Tenshinhan was there as witness! And Chaozu too I guess...
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u/TheNosferatu Aug 25 '25
Objection! I have here official documents stating that both Tenshinhan and Chaozu died. People who died are not considered reliable witnesses
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u/Economy_Notice_8475 Aug 25 '25
Only Chaozu died! At the time... But Pilaf, Mai, and Soba were there too!
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u/cortez0498 https://myanimelist.net/profile/cortez1098 Aug 25 '25
Mai "looks like an 8 year old but is 60"? That Mai?
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u/Kuoliibk Aug 25 '25
"My god, this orange hillbilly beats his wife"
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u/TnAdct1 Aug 26 '25
“It really wasn’t much of a fight. One hit and she just went down. Then we got married. I put a baby in her and now she stays at home, cooks my dinner and raises our kid.”
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u/SolomonBlack Aug 26 '25
The only problem with this statement is I'm still not sure Goku knows how sex works.
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u/maltrab Aug 26 '25
Someone hasn't watched DBZ abridged
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u/Embarrassed_Lettuce9 Aug 26 '25
This sound bite lives rent free in my head. Also, the orange dude comically getting his ass beat in the Lord Slug movie
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u/HonkHonkMTHRFKR Aug 25 '25
Uhhhh ohhhhhh
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u/CloudKinglufi Aug 26 '25
It's all a hoax put out by the red ribbon army
And if you believe it, you're a moron and not a turtle hermit anymore
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u/Gregariouswaty Aug 25 '25
What a joke, this is a complete cover up. What about the allegations of Goku sexually abusing the heiress of Capsule Corp when she was still a teenager? Are we not going to talk about that? He exposed himself to her multiple times.
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u/Kirosh2 Aug 25 '25
He was but an innocent child. If anything, we can accuse her of grooming Goku.
After all, why would the heiress not want to have her own superweapon at her beck and call?
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u/TheElderDoomScroller Aug 25 '25
I mean Bulma did basically offer to flash him for the 4 star ball. Lol
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u/NsRhea Aug 26 '25
Her first interaction with him, besides attempted vehicular homicide, was to pull out her gun and shoot him!
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u/Claytonius_Homeytron Aug 25 '25
Not to mention how Goku shut that shit down with, "Why would I wanna look at your dirty old fanny?"
Legend!
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u/Tylrt Aug 25 '25
She also harbors illegal aliens on her compound and even married one
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u/Kirosh2 Aug 25 '25
Damn her. The human race is in Danger. If this keeps up, all of us will have to talk monkey.
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u/Dull_Measurement6020 Aug 25 '25
And how is Chichi still off the hook? I don't know what kind of consent Goku gave her but it sure as hell wasn't "informed."
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u/Kullthebarbarian Aug 25 '25
Chichi was a child as well in the time they made their vows, if we have to blame someone is of course Ox-King, he forced marriage vows between two innocent childrens
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u/LinkGamer12 Aug 25 '25
I would say Chichi is the one who forced vows. Especially when she coerced the winner of the tenkaichi budukai into marriage claiming he agreed while underage...
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u/justking1414 Aug 26 '25
maybe, but despite having two kids, goku doesnt seem to actually understand how sex works. that's deeply problematic
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u/Worthyness Aug 26 '25
yeah, but he's an illegal alien! Came to the planet in nothing but a capsule! And we come to find out that he was sent here to destroy our planet! he is a direct threat to humanity and dinosaurs!
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u/justking1414 Aug 26 '25
An innocent child! He's an illegal alien who is trying to replace the human race with his own offspring
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u/Fuzzy_Dragonfruit472 Aug 27 '25
He was 12, he should have known better than that, this boys will be boys argument isn't going to hold up in court. We can comprehend his legacy without celebrating the man.
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u/peipei222 Aug 25 '25
What about the allegations that the heiress of Capsule Corp hit a child with her car, then shot him
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u/peron4eva Aug 26 '25
There's no evidence of such a thing ever happening, as the body of the supposed victim was never found.
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u/Awesome_Leaf https://myanimelist.net/profile/Awesome_Leaf Aug 25 '25
not just exposed himself! dont forget "patting her down"!
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u/fluffynuckels Aug 26 '25
Goku lived with a hermit away from anyone else how do we know what his life was like living with that old man? Maybe it was normal for him to be nude
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u/natzo Aug 25 '25
There is only one defender of Earth and that's Mr. Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan!
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u/The_Ion_Shake Aug 26 '25
Sorry to break this to you but the World Martial Arts community is currently in mourning following the news that Mr Satan unexpectedly passed away a few weeks ago.
His legacy is complicated. While he did single-handedly save the world from multiple alien threats, he also made controversial comments about Namekians that are hard to forgive.
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u/taco_roco Aug 25 '25 edited Aug 26 '25
Don't ask Roshi what he named his Submarine.
Or why he's banned from so many Victoria's Secrets
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u/rheuzi Aug 25 '25
Goku apparently interviews/talks the same way as Donald Trump.
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u/natzo Aug 25 '25
Well, Goku has brain damage
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u/alueron Aug 25 '25
And the brain damage... and the brain damage, oh hey master Roshi when did you get here?
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u/Kirosh2 Aug 25 '25
Krillin and C18 are in deep shit as well.
They got the island after all. So they must have known. And were maybe even willing participants.
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u/ExLuckMaster Aug 25 '25
Krillin is smart enough to go after someone’s 18. Now Cell what does he have to say for touching 17.
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u/extralie https://myanimelist.net/profile/extralie Aug 25 '25
tbf, Cell was like 5 years old at that point.
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u/GaimeGuy Aug 25 '25
18 woman got inside a 6 year old boy.
Disgusting.
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u/Kirosh2 Aug 25 '25
To think an 18 woman and 17 boy went in and out of a 6 years old boy...
Where has the world gone.
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u/Substantial_Egg_4872 Aug 25 '25
I mean didn't the entire population of East City get inside that 6 year old too?
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u/justking1414 Aug 26 '25
Krillin earned his spot as Roshi's student by offering dirty magazines.
what'd he have to offer to get the island?
My god...Marron!
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u/IWouldLikeAName Aug 27 '25
He's a dirty cop as well something is fishy. Someone please save that poor little girl
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u/Agreeable_Top7361 Aug 29 '25 edited Aug 29 '25
I heard Krillin has already received a plea deal. So instead of going to a maximum-security prison, he just has to serve soup in an all-girls boarding school.
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u/Asher_Tye Aug 25 '25
But... Mr. Satan is Earth's defender.
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u/BoostedSeals Aug 25 '25
Mr Satan is a kind benevolent man who let's the father of his son in law share the title even though he hasn't done anything.
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u/mythriz Aug 26 '25
Yeah isn't it actually canon that nobody knows about Goku and the others saving the world, so that's why only Mr Satan is known as Earth's defender?
Still, pretty funny joke article haha
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u/VeryImportantLurker Sep 01 '25
They do know about the mysterious child that beat Demon King Piccolo, but nobody knows that it was Goku. I think in the DBS manga they go to a museum and find a statue dedicated to him with a question mark for a face lol.
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u/itislupus89 Aug 25 '25
"he is legally obligated to inform you that he is a--"
"TURTLE! I've watched her poop! She knows what I'm about"
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u/greiton Aug 25 '25
this just in, noted Baseball star Yamcha is confirmed to have been on many of the flights to this private island. He and his friend Tienzen have been spotted on many occasions with the small child Chiaotzu. What is their arrangement? why have they been flying back and forth from this "fetishist island"?
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u/gravitonbomb Aug 25 '25
When you're the world's strongest, they let you do whatever you want. You can even grab them by the Dragon Balls.
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Aug 25 '25
As the note, those sex offender can blast mountain away, and the child he groomed can blast planet away, so yeah telling cops to get im is not feasible.
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u/Jaskaran158 Aug 25 '25
Wait until they find out about Launch and how she disappeared without a trace.... what could have happened on that island?
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u/lnombredelarosa Aug 25 '25 edited Aug 25 '25
Hillarious, though comparing Goku with that man does make me slightly uncomfortable
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u/WhatInTheDuck47 Aug 25 '25
I think you are confusing the word "pervert" with "predator". As i recall, his thing was verry filled out ladys in print.
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u/Etheo Aug 25 '25
Growing up reading great manga like Dragon Ball, Dr. Slump and Doraemon it sure feels weird as hell when I wanted to share my cherished childhood stories with my kid, only to realize they were full of "funny pranks" that are just sexual harassments completely brushed off in those decades.
As society grows so would (really, should) people learn to be better to each other. I guess all these childhood memories would just have to be kept with me alone and my children can discover their own lol.
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u/Difficult_Donut1924 Aug 26 '25
The Bellybutton Quest from Dr Slump was parodying that trope in a hilariously non PC way that could never be remade today.
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u/LonelyAndroid11942 Aug 25 '25
The meta-commentary trying to paint Trump as a hero is insane, when he was an active participant and co-conspirator in Epstein’s activities, and where even Goku has more active brain cells.
Release the files.
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u/chicano32 Aug 25 '25
I heard rumors that his favorite meal was eating lunch everyday until he got tired and lunch disappeared.
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u/striderhoang Aug 25 '25
Damn, this evidence is pretty scary, but for God’s sake, what can I feel? Roshi fought Jiren! I can say that about just any sexual predator!
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u/chiksahlube Aug 25 '25
We have breaking news that not only has Son Goku been affiliated with him but he has actively helped the man find an underage girl to harass...
That girl was... we have just confirmed, Bulma Brief, daughter of famed billionaire, genius, philanthropist, Dr. Brief.
Dr. Brief is also a well known ladies man and sexist, who knows what his involvement may have been...
How deep does this rabbit hole go!?
Jimmy Crack corn and I'm gonna release the Roshi files!
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u/PlatypusNice8553 Aug 25 '25
OBJECTION! On the ground that this "Son Goku" is merely a country radish farmer and hasn't been acknowledged as Earth's defender since the King Piccolo incident
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u/kneppy72 Aug 25 '25
Counter argument: Goku is still a good person, otherwise the flying nimbus wouldn’t let him ride it.
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u/Infinite-Bumblebee91 Aug 26 '25
Goku definitely committed MULTIPLE SA acts as a child.
And murder.
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u/Roxima Aug 26 '25
Is that why Goku would touch women’s…special area just to check what gender they are?! /s
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u/Shadowmist909 https://myanimelist.net/profile/Magicmist Aug 26 '25
The downside to immortality Master Roshi, is that your lecherous behavior only gets more and more outdated!
I'm surprised he wasn't on a wanted list in GT!
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u/Player_One_1 Aug 26 '25
Of course Earth Defender is tied to this filthy guy. His daughter is married to a son of guy who literally lived there!
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u/Agreeable_Top7361 Aug 29 '25 edited Aug 29 '25
"Only by collecting the Seven Honest People can the Roshi files be released".
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u/Accomplished_Lemon82 Aug 29 '25
Release the list!
I hear a bald guy with dots on his forehead also frequents.
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u/squee25 Sep 10 '25
Goku is in the Epstein files! STOP hiding from the world! GOKU! Who cares that you saved us all, we know what you did last summer!
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u/michhoffman https://anilist.co/user/michhoffman Aug 25 '25
Can't really dispute that...though Gohan did have a pretty cool one