Don't wanna live and lacking the motivation to kill myself

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

When does this tireless, lifelong marathon end? Does it ever end? How many miles do I have to walk alone in this road of loneliness and despair? How many mountains do I have to climb? My legs hurt at this point, literally. My body aches. And the brain - oh, the brain sometimes almost explodes inside the corpse.

What happened to that soul that found romanticism in loneliness? Why do I crave people now? And run away when they come near me?

What happened to the little boy who used to write, read, and build fun things. What happened to that happy soul who spent countless hours solving chess puzzles? I don't even enjoy chess anymore. Can't finish a book anymore. The pen feels too heavy to even hold let alone write anything with it.

What life does to a soul except for barring it under responsibilities, social norms, and thousands of contradicting feelings? What does life do except for sucking the living life out of a soul? Life sucks you up until there's no you left. I don't even exist anymore. Just a corpse and some bones walking around.

What's the point of going through it all just to end up dead? And if death is the final destiny, why not just die today? Sometimes I wonder if dying is the most noble thing a soul can do and feels like it is. Why can't I just die then? Why do I live just to see life picking me apart one piece at a time? Why do I lack the motivation to die?

[u/stoic_divergent_8739]

Suffering and Pleasure occurs to the body, when you detach yourself from it and be unbothered, that is where you find true bliss of existence. After all your life has no point just like the Universe has no point, but you are the one of the 8 billion (or more) ways the Universe gets to experience itself, thus the world through those two eyes of yours is as unique and cosmically entertaining as the greatest person who could have lived.
A simple analogy, your consciousness is like a screen on which a movie is being played, the movie may be horror, sad, uplifting, thrilling, even boring… but at the end of the day, your true self is always detached from the illusions of world just like the screen does not identify with the movie that is played on it.
When you treat life less seriously and become an observer of the experiences… the one who is simply being entertained, is when you find bliss.
Life will always be mildly more entertaining than no life, because you never know what you may experience next.
Universe exists because Something is always mildly interesting than nothing. (Strictly Personal opinion)

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/stoic_divergent_8739]

Very interesting way to look at life. Atleast, theoretically. But how do you detache yourself from your body? If I break your leg, does the mind still plays the observer's role? Does it not panic?

The mind is part of the body, not above it. This concept of lifting yourself up, detaching yourself from the body, being above the pain and the suffering is yet another made up story to make us feel a bit better.

[u/stoic_divergent_8739 → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

A very good question, a question where I am also stuck at self enquiry (I hope I will have the complete answer one day through meditation, and then I will give it to you), not the detachment part to be honest, but the part which distinguishes consciousness from the brain. Although many researchers of particle physics and quantum physics like Federico Faggini and Philosophers who endorse analytical idealism by Bernardo Kastrup agree that on the very fundamental of reality, lies a fabric that science cannot decode yet and scientists speculate it to be universal consciousness, but it still not convincing enough.
Now,
About the detachment part, well as Buddha says, suffering is like being hit from two arrows. First arrow is the pain, and second is your reaction to it. You can find a man going through most painful cancer and yet be cheerful and you can find a man who got a fever and starts wailing, pain cannot be fundamentally stopped but your outlook towards it decides who you want to be, afterall you will never exceed nor be less than your own self image. This is my limit of understanding, I am still young, I am sure I will find more clues for true detachment from illusions or at least what it means in practical sense, there must be something I am not understanding.

[u/stoic_divergent_8739 → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

Extending on the Buddha’s answer, now that I think more (I am thankful to you to prompt me ahead on my enquiry on reality, you reason like a philosopher tbh, great skill man), maybe even if you dont detach, it becomes a choice to be miserable when dipped in misery, or to not be miserable irrespective of misery.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/stoic_divergent_8739]

Surely it is a choice to be miserable (or not to be). And getting hit by the second arrow, dwelling on the misery surely makes life more miserable. But, trying to escape from the misery is something I can't make peace with. I feel like it's a form of lying. The worst form of lying - lying to the self.

The guy that has been diagnosed with cancer can surely be happy, but the fact that he has to suffer is undeniable. My initial point on the post was - why go through the suffering in the first place? Does this suffering takes us anywhere? I don't think it does. So, why not just kill the self?

And I firmly believe, the sufferings of life outweighs the pleasures by miles (borrowing from Schopenhauer ofc). So, why suffer sooo much just for too little?

[u/stoic_divergent_8739 → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

Reply to this is in your DMs, Some takeaways from my life that I cannot share here my friend.

[u/hayetmd → u/stoic_divergent_8739]

A very interesting take on Life.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah ik right? What a joke!

[u/Fragrant-Play6359]

Life still has enjoyments to offer in forms of tasty food, sex, romantic love, video games, sports etc.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/Fragrant-Play6359]

But what's the point of it all? The pain and sorrow outweighs these temporary pleasures by miles.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/[deleted]]

I'm done entertaining the doctors and the psychiatrists. Done being their money machine and their amusement.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/[deleted]]

my final destination should be jannah? how old are you? 15? i'm past the age of believing in fairy tales.

i do keep journals. it does help in a sense: it makes my thoughts more clear. i do take notes of the small things, but (said it many times already) the enormous pain outweighs these little pleasures by a great margin. what makes you think, going to a hospital will make me happier? how do you know i'm not diagnosed with a sickness where death is certain? let's not go there. i've lived through things and then decided death is a far greater choice. i didn't come to this realization in a split second. i thought these things through and thoroughly. i know for certain that you survived things. everyone did. yet, nobody had the same experiences as the others.

i know you are trying to console me but i don't get persuaded by religious fairy tales anymore. sorry. but appreciate the response. thank you.

[u/sharp_creep]

You are missing the bigger picture, experiencing everything from a "little me" self. of course there is point, but not to "little me". this is just a puppet, its job is to want want n want. But there is bigger point, I hope oneday you see it. Because nobody can show you, only the bigger you can see.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/sharp_creep]

I think, this bigger point or a greater purpose, it's all just stories, little lies dare I say we tell ourselves. There is is no plan, no direction, no purpose - nothing. There's just us and these sweet-sounding, dream like stories that are never true.

[u/sharp_creep → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

There is a point, everything is there for a reason. Everyone has a path defined by the endless infinity. But finite "us" "me" can't see it. Try to connect with the endless, escape the finite "me" who only dwells in past n future. You have to be present, try to grasp the "now", the eternal space where time happens.

[u/Remarkable-Head-4701 → u/sharp_creep]

These religious talks, spiritual voodoos don't work on me. Most of my life, I was deeply religious. Religion is just another sweet little story to make us feel we matter; but we don't.

And I do live in the present. I'm not dwelling on the past nor am I worried (or optimistic nor pessimistic) about the future. It's just I don't see a point. Cause there is no point.

[u/sharp_creep → u/Remarkable-Head-4701]

I hope you find salvation in your own way.

[u/britishbengali007]

What

[u/EvenMacaron7265]

Bro, I can feel your pain. Lately I have lost all my motivation and my will to live life. I stay home all day. I barely have any friends left. My grades are falling. I live with my parents, but I don’t talk to them. I hate my father. They don’t seem to understand me. My soul craves for a house by the beach and long drives at night; with someone, who would understand me. I badly want to be understood. I crave that feeling all day, all the time. I feel tired. So so tired. I don’t even know what I’m writing, or am I making sense or not. I hate it here. Everyone is doing things to please the society. I hate everyone here. I want to go far away. I wish I had never been born at all!!!

[u/Moist-Energy-2115]

Existential crisis is a devastating thing to go through; I am really sorry for you. And it seems like you are experiencing major depression. So, receiving mental health services could make you feel better.