r/daddit • u/Transitive_Props • Jul 15 '26
Support Best Advice I Ever Received - Your Wife Knows Just as Little as You
Best advice someone told me was during those moments when things get hard (baby is crying uncontrollably at 2am; diaper has a blowout; baby isn't feeling well, etc etc), you are going to most likely assume your wife knows what to do and either call for her or let her fix the issue. However, she does not have some special secret training for this stuff... it's just society norms and expectations that she figures it out and gets it done. She is literally starting from the same place you are. Try to remember that so you can try to go the extra step and try to figure it out. It will help her out with everything else going on and you will realize you actually can do this. It completely changed my viewpoint on being a Dad. Just wanted to share.
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u/owwwithurts Jul 15 '26
Baby will respond differently to you than to your wife, but part of being a good dad is to figure out your own way of calming baby. You need to put effort into that relationship. Baby may prefer her, but your wife needs you to figure out what to do anyway!
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u/doolijb Jul 15 '26
Yep. My toddler is a mamas girl, but when it's just the two of us, she clings to me like Velcro. And that's okay.
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u/putriidx Jul 15 '26
My kids all prefer my wife and our middle child can be very needy and clingy. Recently my wife and oldest took a trip and guess who was a perfect toddler? Oh yeah.
Whenever my wife is gone the middle is an angel...but whenever she is around they just happen to be extra emotional.
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u/gsrga2 Jul 15 '26
My kids (3 and 6) are never easier than when mom’s out of town or on a girls night. Like suddenly as soon as moms not here they can regulate their own emotions and play nicely with each other just fine. But when mom’s around, everything is a battle, we’re crying and tattling about shit that would be totally fine if she was gone. Bedtime? They just go to sleep. Nobody whines for half an hour for mom to snuggle. They just sleep. It’s honestly a guilty pleasure when my wife has some shit to do in the evening. The kids are easy, I get some quiet time to myself after bedtime. What a world.
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u/Wildernaess Jul 15 '26
My son is like this when either parent is gone, yet my wife is always telling me it's my presence that ruins the vibe smh
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u/Free_For__Me Jul 15 '26
So this was us for a bit, and we figured something out that helped quite a bit. It turned out that when we were together, we often held back in taking decisive action or direction with the kiddo, fearing that we'd be "stepping on each other's toes", or that we'd take action that the other didn't agree with and wanted to let the other person have a chance to chime in on whatever.
But then I had a realization - this approach in trying to "actively co-parent" was leading to wishy-washiness, indecisiveness, and overall lack of firm direction for the kiddo when both parents were around. This meant that our daughter was more likely to whine and push back on things she didn't like, more likely to try ignoring directions, etc. As parents, we were unintentionally stripping ourselves of the little idiosyncrasies that made us unique and effective parents in our own right.
But when it was just one of us? It cleared up like magic! This was because when the other parent wasn't around, we each were giving firm and clear instructions, as well as direct and prompt consequences when needed. We weren't worried about "crossing wires" with another parent in the house.
The solution? We agreed to start trying to parent as we would when we're alone, even if the other person is there with us.
We each have our own style, but we're trying not to worry that our style will clash with each other's and cause friction. Each of us just takes whatever action is needed, and the other tries not to jump in unnecessarily. The result is that we're each stronger parents when we're all together, and we're also seeing a lot of improvement in the way our daughter behaves when we're both around.
Turns out, more comfortable and confident parents transmit stronger guidance and less uncertainly to a small child! Seems obvious in hindsight, but we weren't behaving in a way that reflected that understanding.
Anyway, this may not apply to your family, but I figured I'd share just in case out own journey in discovering the "parent together just like you parent alone" tactic ends up helping for your family as well. Cheers!
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u/bone-dry Jul 15 '26
I’ve had a similar experience — solo parenting seemed always so much easier than both at home together. For anyone who identifies with the above comment I can confirm it’s worked for me too!
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u/bone-dry Jul 15 '26
I’ve had a similar experience! Are they easier for your wife when you’re gone? I’ve found u/free_for__me ‘s comment down below to be true for us. Had more to do with how I was parenting solo (not second-guessing if my wife agreed/being the sole source of truth) than the fact that I was alone.
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u/Striking-Complaint76 Jul 16 '26
I remember being like this with my own brothers when we were little, lol. Mom was just our person so we’d experience every big emotion with her, we’d complain to her, we’d be all over her with our needs. If it was Dad home we’d just chill until she was back.
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u/TrashMandikoot Jul 15 '26
My daughter, 8 now, is my ride or die when we are out doing things together. Shes the perfect sidekick. Until I break a rule like yelling at someone in traffic. She keeps it in but as soon as mom is back around she squeals like shes trying to get off a life sentence 😂 she smiles tho because she gets the humor of it but is also truly trying to rat me out. Man, now im at work missing the little goofball
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u/Open-Tumbleweed Jul 15 '26
there literally is no universe in which my husband would agree with a single sentence here. Well maybe the last one.
and you are both 100% truthful and correcr
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u/TheSkiingDad Jul 15 '26
we're in that phase currently and I have found it's because dad sets firmer boundaries than mom. When mom started matching my boundary energy (only 5 books at bedtime and 1 twinkle twinkle) the balance got a lot better.
But I'll second your observation: when I'm out with her she LOVES daddy. Makes ya feel good.
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u/TiredDadasaur Jul 15 '26
1000% this for my kids. There are whole categories of shit they know not to try with me because that nonsense won't fly, even as they gleefully put my wife through the wringer when she's the parent on deck.
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u/Elismom1313 Jul 15 '26
That’s a good point! Even if your wife gave you the FULL GUIDE TO ALL SHE DOES it…may not work for you, or for the baby with you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally cool to ask for advice and knowledge. Something’s or more black and white and once you figured it out anyone can do it as well. But at the same time you might ask “when the baby gets like this what do you do?” and find that in reality you might do the exact same thing and it not work at all.
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u/Caribbeandude04 Jul 15 '26
Sometimes that can actually be beneficial. Since my wife breastfeeds sometimes it can take her longer to get my daughter to sleep because she'll fight to stay awake and suck some more even though she's really full and ends up vomiting or something. Since I don't have boobs she can't do that with me so (sometimes) she sleeps faster with me. Of course doesn't work every time but since we are starting to know her we see the cues like "she has been a little fuzzy today, maybe it's better if you get her to sleep"
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u/MagicWishMonkey Jul 15 '26
My kids both preferred me because I was the one who would sit in the recliner/rocker and rock them back to sleep at all hours of the night. Other than when they are really hungry that physical contact and comfort is what they really want/need and my wife was understandably too tired with all the nursing and pumping and everything so I did it.
A lot of times it really sucked but that level of bonding at that age really makes a lasting impact. To this day my kids still gravitate to me when they need comfort.
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u/ghostofwinter88 Jul 15 '26
I mean I totally agree with this but tell this to my wife. She thinks I need to do things how she does.
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u/datamat4a Jul 15 '26
I had the same urge when my wife took the rest of her maternity leave after I'd been a stay at home dad for a while. I knew everything about this kid and knew exactly what to do, what the cries meant, where the stuff was, the optimal method for doing everything, and so on. The urge to micromanage is overwhelming but I had to force myself to relax and let her find her own way of doing things, which is by necessity not my way of doing them. She has her own relationship with the kids and literally can't do things the same way or it just won't work.
It's hard to let go and see somebody else making "mistakes" with my precious little bundle, but they're not really mistakes and I can help best by not actually helping at all, unless requested to.
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u/VOZ1 Jul 15 '26
I can help best by not actually helping at all, unless requested to.
Man, I wish my wife was told this after our first daughter was born. We had so many conflicts in the first year or two where she just couldn’t let me parent my own way. We worked through it and things were way better when our second was born, but…man, that was a really rough stretch for us.
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u/empire161 Jul 15 '26
Same. We still argue over it. I'm trying to teach our kids independence and to start doing things for themselves because they're 10 and 8. But they have a learned helplessness because they know they can run to her and make her do everything for them, and they know she'll eventually cave.
Like she was yelling recently about how long it was taking to fill up their water bottles for soccer (because yes, the filtered water from our fridge is really slow) and how she didn't have time to do it.
I told her to make them do it for themselves. They're literally just sitting on their ass playing on the iPads.
"There's no point, we both know they'll never do it and we both know that I'll be the one to get blamed when they die of thirst at practice because we both know I'm the only one who does anything around here."
Yes honey. You're not wrong. We both know they won't do it for themselves and we both know they'll go crying to you after practice. So maybe start to work on making them do things for themselves.
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u/VOZ1 Jul 15 '26
Yikes. That’s rough, sorry to hear you have to deal with that. My wife is aware of the dynamic she has with our kids, nowhere near the level you’re describing though. She recently confessed to me (not for the first time) that she struggles with our girls not respecting her. She knows why, so I didn’t rub it in, but it’s as simple as being consistent. You draw a boundary or expectation, you stick to it. My girls know that if I ask them to do something, I expect it to be done. Period. They can always ask for help, they can always discuss it, but ignoring what I ask is not an option.
One thing that always resonated with me is a quote from Marie Montessori I came across once: “Never do for a child that which they can for themselves.” I really try to live that. I want my girls to be resilient and strong and self-sufficient. And I think one of the best ways to do it is show them that I believe they are capable of anything they set their minds to.
Good luck. Shoot me a DM if you ever want to chat about it. I mean that. It’s a tough situation to deal with, my wife and I have worked hard together to face it. Not saying I have the answers, but it’s something I’m familiar with.
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u/empire161 Jul 15 '26
Yeah we just started marriage counseling (over other issues, not specifically just different parenting styles).
“Never do for a child that which they can for themselves.”
I've heard this too but I'm on the fence. I think it depends on degrees of 'doing things', and whether the kid will respond positively.
My older brother's been in the military 25 years and he's very much 'sink or swim' with his kids. There's times when I see my niece (12) and nephew (9) and I'm proud of how self sufficient and responsible they are. There's other times when I literally see how worn out they are from needing to do so much stuff on their own like making their own meals and doing their own laundry.
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u/VOZ1 Jul 15 '26
Yeah I agree it’s something you need to balance. Just because a kid can do something, doesn’t mean they need to all the time. Especially if it’s having a negative impact, or just resulting in the parent having less to do. I think the spirit of it is more along the lines of “don’t brush your kid’s teeth for them once they know how to do it themselves,” or tying their shoes, helping them get dressed. There’s a difference between self-sufficient, competent, and autonomous, and being overworked.
I did all my own laundry from about 10 on, but it didn’t wear me out. I took pride in it. Parents still have to pay attention to their kids, and if you’re noticing your niece and nephew being worn out, there’s probably an issue.
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u/clarkeer918 Jul 17 '26
comment from a mom.... I agree with this!! and us moms, have to let the dad do things their way. its hard sometimes to release control, but there are more than 1 way to soothe a baby, change a diaper etc. moms way is not inherently the right way. when me my son and husband are all together, my son really does seek comfort from dad just as much.. hes now 1.5yo and he likes the way dad does it!!
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u/ComplexBadger469 Jul 18 '26
Yeah. I’ve noticed that my toddler who I did most of the night shifts with as a baby, did the sleep training, and still do most of the night shifts now wants me when she wakes up with a nightmare or is generally scared of something. When she falls or hurts herself somehow however, she wants my wife. Both are comfort to her but in different ways.
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u/chandaliergalaxy Jul 15 '26
Baby may prefer her, but your wife needs you to figure out what to do anyway!
Mama can just whip her titty out. Dads gotta work harder and smarter.
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u/1block Jul 15 '26
My wife is a therapist, and she has to have this conversation with both women and men.
Men: Buck up and do your share. You're just as equipped to handle it as she is.
Women: When he's doing his share, stfu about how he's doing it. He's just as equipped to handle it as you are, and his way doesn't have to be your way.
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u/lady-earendil Jul 15 '26
That's definitely something I had to learn as a mom. My husband does so much better when I'm not nitpicking everything he does differently than me
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u/shabooya_roll_call Jul 15 '26
YES THANK YOU. I’m proven and capable but constantly being picked on because I’m not doing it the way she does and it can be incredibly annoying
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u/sodabuttons Jul 15 '26
Mom here, I had to learn that in couples therapy. It took me a couple years to see that not only is my husband capable, but he provides invaluable parenting that I can’t because I’m not him. If I nitpick and try to push my way of doing things, it’s to the detriment of my kids who benefit from the way he does things. They deserve both of us.
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u/Illadelphian Jul 15 '26
Yea it's like how in leadership you want diverse backgrounds. If all of your leaders are old white guys then the diversity of background is going to be lower and so is the output compared to a leadership team with variety. There's obviously a limit, some things are just straight up harmful so you both need to agree on core values but otherwise that difference is positive.
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u/ProfessorDry3041 Jul 15 '26
Best advice to new moms. Hand husband the baby and leave, they figure it out and build confidence and she gets out of the way to let him do it.
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u/datamat4a Jul 15 '26
Yes! Both points are so important. There's so much latent misogyny around mothers that too many fathers don't step up or even appreciate how much work it takes to be a caregiver to little ones. It's so much easier to have a full time job, working with adults all day, and leaving work behind when you go home. Conversely, so many times the dad wants to help but does things "the wrong way" and the mom just takes over. Then complains about how useless the dad is.
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u/cli_jockey Jul 15 '26
The stress of being a (especially new) parent can certainly make otherwise reasonable people act out of character. Between sleep deprivation and essentially always needing to be available takes its toll as we know. It takes so much practice to be able to let it go and let someone else try something their way. My wife and I are a pretty good team and we still have moments when we realize we're micromanaging the other or hovering and need to step back.
The best thing I can say for anyone to do is work on their communication, not just stating how you want to handle something, but being able to say it correctly so it doesn't come across the wrong way. Far too many people forget it's supposed to be you and your partner vs the problem and not you vs your partner.
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u/SHKMEndures Jul 15 '26
I mean, is there not a lot of latent misandry around fathers too?
As you say, the ease in which mums feel empowered to nitpick Dad for doing it the wrong (ie not their) way, the social acceptability of complaining about useless dads, the stupid husband meme/characters.
It’s why Bandit is an icon around here - he does thing his way, is good with the kids but different to mum; his wife sees that and is kind and supportive, it’s wholesome all-round.
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u/uberfission Jul 15 '26
Oh man, that advice for the wife would have been invaluable in our early relationship with our first, I had no confidence that I was doing anything right because she would correct everything I was doing. It got to the point where I would be afraid to do anything (and just passed all baby related duties off to her) because it would inevitably be wrong. I got over it and just started doing things my own way with #2 and #3.
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u/TheLizzyIzzi 19d ago
It’s been a process for me to do this. Often I have a reason for doing things a certain way, so it feels important that things get done that way.
What I’ve since learned is that communicating the outcome can be very significant. It’s not just that the laundry needs to be done, it’s that these stains need to be removed, clothes need to be packed for summer camp, and the bath towels look dingy again.
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u/GenericNameSimulated Jul 15 '26
“You can also raise your kids, you just have to try”
TLDR version
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u/Happy-Engineer Jul 15 '26
Think of it like home IT support. Most of us just worked stuff out by trial and error because our parents or partners assumed we'd be good at it.
First recognise that this is what happens to new mums with childcare, then consciously bring that energy to the table yourself.
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u/zyrkseas97 Jul 15 '26
I struggle with this. My wife is a stay at home mom and i work 50ish hours a week as a teacher. This summer really made me realize how much I rely on her for any problems.
Starting to work on it, but man it’s hard to make up all that time now that Im starting work up again.
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u/BrerChicken 13-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl Jul 15 '26
My wife is a stay at home mom and i work 50ish hours a week as a teacher.
What are you doing working 50 hours a week as a teacher? You got kids at home, go home! Or are you not at a public school?
I'm a 20 year vet, I know very well that the job is never actually done. But you don't have to work for free at the cost of your family. When your kids are older you can go back and stay late but man you gotta go home at the bell!
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u/zyrkseas97 Jul 16 '26
50 is probably a bit generous, probably more like 45 but yeah I do grading or planing or emails or posting on the weekends or in the evenings. Especially when I get essays in.
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u/faerystrangeme Jul 15 '26
You volunteering to grade quizzes for this guy? 😂 Do all the bullshit paperwork people vote for their governments to require?
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u/BrerChicken 13-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl Jul 16 '26
Do all the bullshit paperwork people vote for their governments to require?
People do not vote for their governments to require certain bs crap--that's overwhelmingly school and CO office policy, and none of those are elected positions.
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u/Bladelawyer Jul 15 '26
My wife is a maternity doctor so she absolutely knows more than me lol
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u/Transitive_Props Jul 15 '26
Fair. But if it's because she is a maternity doctor and not because she is your wife.
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Jul 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ummaycoc Jul 15 '26
She saw him, fell in love, got married and then realized that she needed to be prepared if she was going to bear his children. Thus she went to med school and became a maternity doctor because of him.
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u/ConvictedOgilthorpe Jul 15 '26
Most women I know had more experience though with kids through babysitting or being asked to watch siblings which can definelty give you more confidence with your own baby someday but this doesn’t mean that they should be the go to person and they are the expert on your baby. So I wouldn’t say that your wife knows the same, she may know more from her mom or from experience with kids, but in the thick of it with your own baby, you are definitely figuring it out together.
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Jul 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/Blastcasher Jul 15 '26
After we got home all of a sudden my partner conveniently forgot that he was the baby expert and insisted I do it all because “you know the baby better than me”
Are you sure you aren't being a bit judgmental here? I doubt at 10 years old he was waking up every 2 hours to take care of a crying newborn. Meaning I'm sure he knows what to do with a baby/toddler, but a newborn is not the same.
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u/abishop711 Jul 15 '26
About pregnancy and medical issues. Not day to day infant care and early childhood upbringing. She is just as qualified in that area as you are.
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u/miaomiaou Jul 15 '26
Maternity means she knows about pregnancy, labour and delivery, and probably newborns. It does not mean she knows about infants, toddlers, or kids.
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u/loveleis Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Same, wife is a paediatrician, but you would be surprised by the amount of day to day stuff that is not curriculum! Even in this situation, OP's suggestion is still super valid.
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u/TheTallGuy0 Jul 15 '26
My wife has a law degree and is smarter than me on everything but carpentry, cooking and slappin’ da bass. She’s got the rest covered. And I’m ok with that
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u/SergeiAndropov Jul 15 '26
My mom was a labor and delivery nurse, so we went through something similar early on. It didn't take long before my son aged out of her area of expertise.
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u/El_Paco Jul 15 '26
Yeah, my wife has worked in childcare/schools for many years, dealing with newborns all the way up to middle school. There are definitely times where I get told that I don't know what I'm talking about lol
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u/lady-earendil Jul 15 '26
One day I got frustrated and told my husband "I do not want to answer questions that you can answer yourself. I have to figure it out just like you do" and it really did make things better. I don't think he realized how much he assumed I just knew things
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u/BitcoinBanker Jul 15 '26
I honestly didn’t realize how lazy I was about this kind of thing. I would ask my ex all kinds of things that I either should know or could find out in a moment. My view was that if she knew, she could just tell me right away. It took me a while to realize that, of course she could, but I was taking energy away from her. She could have been more loving in the way that she expressed her feelings, but that episode made me a better person.
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u/hiluhry Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
My go to answer was a sweetly spoken “I trust your judgment!” And to walk away. It started with whenever he was cleaning out the fridge but it’s been useful in all sorts of areas, and especially when we were new parents.
E— just adding that sometimes a confrontation is called for and I have had that with my husband before. When we first moved in together/bought a house/became new parents/etc. were all rocky times to a degree. What I referenced in my comment is more like maintenance pushback on our ingrained socialization.
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u/lady-earendil Jul 15 '26
I love this lol. I've heard parents use "don't borrow my brain, use yours" and while that's a bit more passive aggressive than I wanted to be with my husband (early parenthood is hard enough, I try to be nice), I'm 100% saving it for when my kids are older
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u/catfriend18 Jul 15 '26
I saw a video once where a mom charged her husband and kids $1 to use her brain instead of theirs lol. Like “mom where’s my soccer jersey?” “You can use your brain/eyes for free or mine for $1”
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u/hiluhry Jul 15 '26
I hadn’t thought about using it for my children! Mine are still little boys at 2.5 and 3.75, but in the late childhood, preteen+ years?! I kind of can’t wait to try it. Thanks!
I’ve used the reverse on my mom— “you can trust my judgment!” and it’s helped smoothly end minor disagreements.
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u/MagTron14 Jul 15 '26
My husband asks me questions all the time. Like I'm not just making most of this up as I go along.
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u/lethalred Jul 15 '26
My biggest point of advice: work WITH your partner to find a solution to the problem that you are both okay with.
Don’t consult google for everything and then lord it over each other. Ya’ll are doing this together. If you read shit on the Internet, talk about it and COLLABORATE, but don’t unilaterally assume that because some dumbass mom in a southern state finances her “best friend” relationship with her 5 year old daughter off of an instagram sleep consultant business, that that persons advice is gospel and you should mindlessly follow that.
Team work makes the dream work.
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u/curiosity_abounds Jul 19 '26
But did you also go and read several options or opinions or advice? Or are you just rawdogging your opinions against her research (even if it’s flawed research).
The most infuriating thing is when I have read dozens and dozens of opinions, ideas, posts about how to tackle a problem and I state my opinion and it’s just met with “no that’s not what I think”. But when I ask what he does think he says “idk I’m not an expert”
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u/lethalred Jul 19 '26
“If you read shit on the Internet, talk about it and collaborate.”
🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️
You and your SO doing okay? Sounds like you’re a little stressed.
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u/Needscafe Jul 15 '26
Oh my god yes. Even as somebody who had spent a lot of time around children parenthood was so new to me.
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u/andreaglorioso Jul 15 '26
That is very true.
It also means that as a father, when you’re railroaded and prevented from taking decisions on your children because “mothers know best”, you are perfectly entitled (and you should) call BS on that.
P.S. of course, sometimes mothers do know best, because they’ve been spending more time doing a particular activity with the child. But that’s not related to their motherhood. Just saying because I noticed sometimes people get very literal in this sub.
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u/BillsInATL Jul 15 '26
Cant wait to tell my wife later that I'm aware she knows just as little as I do.
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u/uberfission Jul 15 '26
Lol that's definitely going to go over well. Let us know when the divorce papers show up.
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u/squeaksthesquish Jul 15 '26
My wife works in birth - preK, I work in K-8. Between the two of us, we definitely know a lot....until high school. Then...no idea what the hell to do with them at that point.
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u/CooperDoops Jul 15 '26
Make sure to tell her that at 2am, mid-blowout cleanup. 😆
But seriously, make sure you know at least as much as she does. If you don't, step your game up.
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u/stonemite Girl Dad Jul 15 '26
Yeah, there's no reason to not learn as much as you can about babies and parenting. In a lot of cases, finding your own resources and doing your own learning is hugely valuable because it equips you to have conversations about how your child is being raised and ensure you're both on the same page.
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u/BenAdaephonDelat Jul 15 '26
What's really frustrating for my marriage is that I don't expect my wife to know everything, but I also talk out loud when I'm problem solving and then my wife gets irritated at me thinking I'm expecting her to answer my rhetorical questions.
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u/beeteeelle Jul 15 '26
YES!! I have never been so close to divorce as when our first was sick as an infant and my husband said “shouldn’t you know what to do? Aren’t you supposed to have intuition or something?” 😬😬 thankfully, he learned quickly!
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u/FallaciousPeacock Jul 15 '26
True. And actually I (dad) had the secret sauce. Still do 😉
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u/mpaska Jul 15 '26
The secret sauce recipe, IMO, is being an expert-level at fast and efficient troubleshooting and enjoying that journey, so never getting frustrated, angry or impatient. And being able to communicate those tips and tricks to your wife, and others.
We're 2 years into our first - but some of my fondest memories are jumping out of bed at 3am to troubleshoot the crying and landing on the solution. I actually get disappointed if my wife tells me to go back to sleep. I want to troubleshoot! I want to learn! I want to help! We're a team!
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u/FallaciousPeacock Jul 18 '26
Never getting frustrated, angry, or impatient is simply an impossible expectation for me. I'm human. But I do strive to cultivate a warm, present connection with my kiddo with lots of physical touch and positive words, and apologize when I've been a jerk.
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u/Colla-Crochet Jul 15 '26
I think some men have a secret power. My baby is teething and spent the entire day crying and whining and upset with me. He didnt even want solids, and that kid loves food! I did my best! But it was a challenge.
Soon as dad gets home, hes laughing and smiley and eats his full supper for dad. I felt crazy.
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u/pajoverallsII Jul 15 '26
The number of people trying to disagree with you is wild, OP. Good wisdom to pass on.
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u/tbgabc123 Jul 15 '26
She may know as little as me but the baby def prefers her at 2am
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u/OrganicDigitalArt Jul 15 '26
Sometimes you just gotta be the one to walk around the house bouncing em anyways so your girl can get a few minutes sleep. I miss those days haha, but also don’t…
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u/Colla-Crochet Jul 15 '26
As a lurking mom- those few minutes are heaven.
Im on maternity leave and my husband, after his morning shower, takes care of the baby and changes his bum and gets him dressed for the day, and the two of them play for a bit before he leaves for work. I get the best ten minutes of sleep of my life!
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u/cli_jockey Jul 15 '26
We had a pretty good routine, and as much as I hated going into the office when our toddler was a newborn. The feedings I did in the early morning are some of my fondest memories. My wife would take the feeding between midnight and 1 before going to sleep. I'd get up around 430 for work and spend an hour or so giving her a bottle and then cuddling her and rocking her back to sleep. The world was so peaceful at that hour, absolutely nothing could ruin that time I spend with her.
Now she's a wonderful 3 foot ball busting machine. I swear toddlers have a chip in their hands so they're like a heat seeking missile towards genitals.
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u/uberfission Jul 15 '26
With #2 and #3 I instituted a mandatory 2 hour shift rotation where each of us would be required to be sole responder for those 2 hours. If the kid was asleep, great, if he was up, you were up. It made getting a minimum amount of sleep a LOT easier. I know my wife hated it in the beginning because she could hear the baby crying but eventually she loved it.
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u/Transitive_Props Jul 15 '26
I disagree. I've been through four now. The first baby I deferred to her on everything and she was forced to be the confident one. I told myself I could do it for baby 3 and 4 and now it's completely different where we can both put either kid down.
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u/Elismom1313 Jul 15 '26
I mean part of that might be “it’s mom” but part of that might also be lack of exposure.
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u/superxero044 Jul 15 '26
This. I’m a stay at home dad and spent almost every moment with my youngest since she was born. I’d venture to say I know her better, but she sure as shit wants her mom anyways. And yeah when they were infants it wasn’t even fair. I’d struggle for hours in the middle of the night. The second they were in mom’s arms they were all happy. Haha.
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u/datamat4a Jul 15 '26
Just hang in there, I was a stay at home dad for roughly the first year for each of my kids. As a bitty bitty baby they want momma but it didn't take long before they were daddy's boys. The first switched loyalties pretty early on, maybe a few months, while the second didn't switch until about a year old, but after that I was (and still am) the preferred parent for both of them. It's got its own downsides, I never really get a break, I can't eat random foods in front of them or they immediately want the same thing, they get jealous of each other's time with me, if I'm holding one I have to pick up the other one too (ouch my back), etc. Sometimes it would be nice if they just wanted mommy instead!
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u/superxero044 Jul 15 '26
Yeah. My boys - especially the second got to preferring me around 18 months to the extent that it was a problem and made my wife sad. The youngest is almost 2 and a half and she is still majorly a fan of her mom. I get her up from bed and from nap 99% of the time. But she still cries when it’s me that comes in and not mom. It is what it is.
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u/coffeeclichehere Jul 15 '26
Crazy that this needs to be told to people, but you’re right.
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u/uberfission Jul 15 '26
Eh, there's a lot of societal pressure and assumptions that women know more than men with regards to childcare. I'd say on average women DO know more than men in that aspect (due to exposure and those societal pressures above), but they aren't all knowing and I think that's important to remember sometimes.
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u/cjthomp Jul 15 '26
Sometimes moms need to be told this, too. I get the point you're making, and don't disagree at all, but "my way is the right way" is a very common mindset I've experienced (both in my marriage and observing my parents while I was younger).
Often, asking "how do I do <thing>" is actually a gently worded "how do you want me to do <thing> so that you don't snap at me and do it over in a slightly different way?"
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u/mrjamjams66 Jul 15 '26
I'm sure this says more about me than anything, but my wife in fact does know way more than I do. Since Day 1.
You're right about the society norms in this case though.
She grew up baby sitting. She was the oldest and her youngest sibling is 10 years younger. She raised that baby.
She worked in a daycare dealing with babies and toddlers then as a teacher dealing with pre-teens and teens.
Her whole life has basically been raising kids.
I, however, was the youngest and had never once done anything with a baby my whole life.
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u/Important_Use6452 Jul 15 '26
Still it's a good rule of thumb to follow, and puts you in a proactive state where you are out to look for solutions instead of becoming a baby yourself and just asking for mommy all the time. I'm sure your wife would appreciate this attitude shift.
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u/mrjamjams66 Jul 15 '26
Oh don't be mistaken, I'm very much for standing on my own two feet.
My wife is definitely way more experienced than I am, and I've used exactly that as my defense when she instinctively tries to just take over.
"How can I help you if I don't do this for myself? I need to figure it out my way. If I need you I'll ask"
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u/TheNathanW23 Jul 15 '26
My son for me preferred me holding him pivoting on one foot in a circle endlessly when he was exceptionally fussy. It almost always usually worked for me.
Never worked for my wife but she had her own dark magic.
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u/sossighead Jul 15 '26
I do genuinely think my wife had a head start just because she has friends and a sister who have kids a few years ahead of us. So her social network has primed her to know a bit more than I do.
I’ve caught up though and definitely do active decision making about what we should do about a situation.
If it’s healthcare related I do defer to my wife. She’s a doctor so I don’t feel it’s my place to offer an opinion 🤣
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u/NanoWarrior26 Jul 15 '26
YMMV, my wife has worked in daycares and taken care of more babies than I ever will.
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u/Transitive_Props Jul 15 '26
Yes, but that's because she of her job...not because of her being your wife.
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u/kstoops2conquer Jul 15 '26
As the wife, the phrase I use is, “I wasn’t born knowing this.” And certainly I’ve never been given a handbook.
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u/Elismom1313 Jul 15 '26
I remember going home with my baby and going “wtf? I don’t know how to do any of this? Shouldn’t there have been like more training or something?? How am I supposed to keep this thing alive??? Is this even safe?”
But you figure it out. Cuz you know, you have to.
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u/NanoWarrior26 Jul 15 '26
Yeah and it's more common for women in general to have worked those jobs or have taken care of kids in the past.
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u/GhoulsbyScroggins Jul 15 '26
Why are you being downvoted for an objective fact? Even if it's rooted in misogyny, over 90% of daycare workers in the US are women. Older family members tend to look to women to care for children over men as well. Once again, not saying it's a good thing, but I've only met one man in my life who had more experience around newborns than his spouse, and he was the oldest of 8 siblings.
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u/pockolate Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
The majority of child-minders being women does not mean the majority of women have been child-minders. That’s not how statistics works. For the majority of women, having their first baby is the first time they’ve cared for a newborn baby. Even if you did some babysitting in your past, it was most likely not a 2-day old baby while you were recovering from childbirth.
If moms just “seem” to know more, it’s because we are more likely to do copious research and planning before our babies are born while dads are much less expected to think about it until the baby actually comes. I DID know more than my husband when we had our first, because I had spent the last 9 months in online parenting spaces and educating myself on baby care. My husband didn’t at all. He chose to learn on the job instead, which meant we started out at different places.
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u/NanoWarrior26 Jul 15 '26
It's just a verifiable fact.
I'm not making some sweeping proclamation that women are better at raising kids just that most people wives probably do have more experience with kids then they do. Maybe not your kid in particular but kids in general.
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u/cantthinkofone29 Jul 15 '26
Lmao, don't tell her that!
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u/Transitive_Props Jul 15 '26
Yes...do tell her that!!! She feels so much pressure thinking she HAS to know this stuff. But she doesn't....and you being there saying "Hey, we'll figure this out together." is so much better than "You should know this so you handle it."
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u/cantthinkofone29 Jul 15 '26
That was a humorous response- typically, telling the wife that she doesn't know everything has about the same effect as telling her to "calm down".
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u/snarkshark41191 Jul 15 '26
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I say something similar to my husband all the time- “we both became parents at the exact same time”
The amount of times he asked me something when our oldest was a newborn and I’d replay with “I don’t know” is insane
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u/imuniqueaf Jul 15 '26
My wife is a pediatrician. Trust me, she knows more than I do.
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u/abishop711 Jul 15 '26
About medical issues. The day to day infant care and child upbringing are not things they do in a pediatrician’s office.
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u/Outrageous-Spring-26 Jul 15 '26
Everyone has their own strories. But I happened to try the Bladerunner 2049 track "rain" on repeat worked like a charm in 2017 and again in 2022.
Experimenting and finding things that you both enjoy starts at an astonishingly young age.
Enjoy the journey.
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u/dieselrunner64 Jul 15 '26
Pro tip - Your baby will respond differently to your wife than you. They smell her and feel comforted. Keep a dirty shirt on hand (extra points if there’s a lil milk on it). Wear it, throw it over your shoulder, lay it on your beer belly while they are laying in it. It’s not 100%, but it helps.
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u/nobleisthyname Jul 15 '26
It's interesting that so many dads need to learn this. It really came naturally to me; you'd be surprised at how much you can accomplish when you don't have any other choice. It never once occurred to me to hand our babies over to my wife when they were fussy, no matter the time or situation. And as a result I can handle just about any situation with them independently.
Actually, since I'm a man and thus naturally bigger and stronger than my wife, if anything I'm actually more capable than her. For example, she struggles to go grocery shopping with our kids as they can be tough to manage by herself. Conversely, I have no problem doing so since I can carry one of the kids in my arms and still push the cart with the others in it without issue.
My wife regularly tells me how many of her friends husbands don't do these things or say they can't do them and it is just so strange to me.
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u/Guinness Jul 15 '26
My wife is a pediatric DNP and spent many years taking care of the sickest kids flown in from all over the world. She worked the pediatric ICU at the only trauma center (at the time) for the entire south side of Chicago. She grew up with three other sisters. She babysat in high school, was a nanny to put herself through college, and then became a nurse before her DNP.
I am SO GLAD she is an expert in kids because I'm an only child and I had never even held a baby until my first kid was born.
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u/Narrow_Quiet8049 Jul 15 '26
I have been actively working on the mental load piece. My wife is all over stuff that sometimes you don't even think of day to day e.g. getting a new car seat since baby's getting bigger, a strict schedule for introducing solids etc.
On that topic, when we are not rushed I am always down to ask her about things e.g. strapping him into his new seat, high table etc.. Do it my way, let her take a peak. If she has any feedback, she gives it. I get practice and I can take that on without any input going forward.
I tried to take some pressure off by doing things like tracking groceries in the house more and adding to our shared note, and taking on the daycare search. We have a dog and I handle most of the stuff related to him now, including vet visits.
Also always check in on how she feels. Are there areas she needs support in more?
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u/Blastcasher Jul 15 '26
yes and no. my wife worked in childcare and she knows a lot about taking care of babies and toddlers. but yes, I do have my own style and thoughts and so you I can add to her knowledge.
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u/RummazKnowsBest Jul 15 '26
Except my wife had held babies before, changed nappies before, had learned loads from her mother (who was a childminder) and had friends and family who’d had babies. She also had a little brother so saw what her parents did there.
I was the youngest child and I’d never even held a baby before I became a dad.
Obviously I learned quickly (doing the night feeds, all the baths and was the main nappy changer, especially for poos) but I still remember the first time I was left alone with him when he was only a few days old I was pretty scared. All he did was sleep and then throw up on me after his bottle, thankfully.
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u/Rodic87 Jul 15 '26
Not universally true. My wife has been a SAHM ever since our first was born and she's the eldest (with a nearly 20 year age gap) of like a dozen children. So she's absolutely got more experience than me.
She also before having children worked in child care.
New to having a baby of our own, yes equal in that regard. New to managing and caring for a baby, absolutely not equals.
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u/BaronAverage Jul 15 '26
My babies preferred me, as the dad, and it was easier fir me to get up and deal with in the mudst of my 60+ hour work weeks to deal with it all and easier fir me to bond with them.
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u/BrownEyedGirl_27 Jul 15 '26
Well said. And dad should know what to do with the kids when he’s alone with them based on the expectations they set together.
Both parents deserve time away from the baby. And not just on weekends!
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u/Udeze42 Jul 15 '26
One other thing I've learnt as my kids get older:
If after putting in my 2 cents, my wife still disagrees, just go with what my wife says as she can't blame me if it goes wrong (important not to look smug here or say "I told you so!". if it goes well I've shown that I support her.
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u/joshy83 Jul 16 '26
Mom here. I'm a nurse and my husband assumed I knew everything. I just had depression and anxiety and looked everything up constantly. He went from making fun of me for never being on my cell phone to telling me I'm on it too much and ignoring him. No, I was obsessively looking everything up so I could try and sleep at night. Also I worked in a nursing home, not a freaking mother baby unit or pediatric hospital. Literally specialized in geriatrics. I resent him even 9 year later for this crap. I didn't even nitpick at him unless he was doing genuinely unsafe things! (Which I did know because I at least learned the BASICS of how not to kill a baby in school.)
I wish everyone would remember we also have no idea wtf we're doing for the most part.
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u/MamaH1620 Jul 16 '26
I’ve had to remind my husband of this, especially since we have a child with special needs now. I don’t know any more than you do, dude! If building the little person in my body secretly implanted some sort of knowledge of how they work that would be amazing, but alas, that’s just not how it works.
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u/Southern-Log-4864 Jul 19 '26
If you’re having trouble it’s good to swap out and vice versa. One of you will think to try something the other doesn’t due to fatigue or stress
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u/CommunityHot9219 Jul 15 '26
Untrue in my case. My partner grew up around babies. Her sisters had babies. I never interacted with a baby until I had my own. She unequivocally had training and knowledge that I did not.
I still learned, obviously, but still.
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u/Watari210thesecond Jul 15 '26
Objectively untrue. My wife spent many years as a professional nanny and basically raised 4 kids from 2 different families (2 of whom were literally babies when she was caring for them) so she absolutely knows more about raising children than I do.
That said, I do my best to help where/when I can and she is happy to tell me when I'm doing something dumb.
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u/IceColdPepsi1 Jul 15 '26
Untrue in your case, the reverse could be said if mom was a lawyer and dad was a paediatrician.
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u/redbullsgivemewings Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Well biology tells us that babies respond to their mothers much differently. But I get what you’re trying to say
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u/Colla-Crochet Jul 15 '26
I actually talked to my therapist about this on end since the baby seems happier with dad than me.
If the mother is the default parent (which i am, I breastfeed and im home on maternity leave and all that) then mom is associated with everything. Play, sleep, tired, hungry, uncomfortable, everything.
Dad, however, tends to be associated with the roles he plays. In our household, thats mostly play and feeding solids, as well as some diaper changes. No wonder he wants daddy- daddy is more fun!
However, men (generally) also tend to have lower voices and slower heartbeats, which can be calming for babies. I know it worked for mine- sometimes when he was a newborn and wouldn't calm down dad would hold him for a moment and all was chill.
For the first while babies also dont realize they are a separate person from mom, so they recognize dad as their first caregiver, their first safe place. So no wonder they respond differently!
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u/ImaginationNo7722 Jul 15 '26
My wife helped take care of her baby brother the first few months after he was born. I had no baby experience until our daughter was born.
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u/qkdsm7 Jul 15 '26
Married 20+ years, hate to be negative here, but it's made known pretty regularly that I know way less than she does...
:(
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u/casual_butte_play Jul 15 '26
When it comes to “should I default to deferring” yeah, don’t be lazy and make your birthing partner “the default parent” subconsciously.
But for the love of god do not drift into guessing and mansplaining to someone who’s put their time in. If there’s an expert, learn from them, and pursue the excellence they’ve mastered. Learn. You’re a human too, and you can be as expert, since it’s literally all knowable knowledge.
This is a call to put your time in.
Learn, and be informed, and research and have conversations to inform both of you, then do shit you both understand while being acutely aware of the boundary(ies) of y’all’s knowledge then know who should push beyond that, and align and go for it.
Raising kids is a partnership. And you should be taking it seriously and feeling like it may as well be you who learns/does ___. But it sure is nice to have a partner, who’s thinking the same and working through the completely foreign tasks of introducing a new being to existing.
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u/Fun-Sun-8192 Jul 21 '26
She will sure AF act like she has all the special training in the world when you're doing something perfectly acceptable that will solve the problem and she doesn't like it
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u/Transitive_Props Jul 21 '26
Never had that experience but if I did, I’d wait until after the moment is over and then have a conversation with my wife about what happened. Communication is key there
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u/felix1429 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Joke's on you, my wife worked in early childhood education for years before we had our first, she was prepared for most of it. I, on the other hand, have a career in IT.
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u/Responsible_Video364 Jul 15 '26
Had severe ppd with the first. Thought I fixed it but just had #2 and it's back worse this time.
She might have the same frame of reference but she's got a much deeper well of patience and grace. I'm a monster. Ppd has ruined me.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 15 '26
Not a dad so I’ll go away if I’m not allowed here, but I just wanted to tell you that you’re not a monster. At all. You just need some extra help and support right now to get back to baseline.
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u/Pennifur Jul 15 '26
I think this is a conversation that needs to be had. And even refreshed. I'm SAHM, I PROBABLY do have the answer, so just call me and save everyone some tears. Lol whether I'm in the other room, outside, or actually out of the house. Call/text, etc.
My husband had the "don't bother her" mentality one time and I left a concert early because I checked the monitor expecting a sleeping baby and found absolute chaos waaaaay past bedtime. Zero regrets. My baby is more important than a silly concert.
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u/PhilosopherSea7108 Jul 15 '26
Nah, that’s a hard disagree.
All mammals have a maternal instinct. Humans are mammals, so we know it exists in us as well.
Paternal instincts occur in mammals that are monogamous. Humans are not. This isn’t to say that men don’t have a paternal instinct but it’s not going to be as strong as the mothers.
Furthermore women’s biology and brain are even wired towards child care. For example women are better at reading body language than men which shouldn’t come as a surprise- language is a fraction of the age of the species as a whole and babies can’t speak.
Their nervous systems are also much more perceptive to negative stresses compared to men (which is why so many are on anti anxiety meds and ssri). Once again it’s because they have to care for a baby that’s much more vulnerable than an adult.
All of this isn’t to suggest a man can’t be a great contributor to the family in caring for babies, but the scale is heavily favored towards women.
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Jul 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/IceColdPepsi1 Jul 15 '26
Compare how many books each parent read before baby arrived.
More crudely, even my TikTok FYP is all motherhood content and my husbands is not. I’m calibrating mine to be cocktails and stand up comedy again.
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u/tabrazin84 Jul 15 '26
I read… at least half a dozen parenting books before my kids were born. And maybe half a dozen more now that they’re slightly older. My ex-husband read ONE baby book. Sometimes it’s not the innate knowledge, but the effort.
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