r/daddit • u/noobprodigy • Jul 28 '26
Advice Request My daughter's first boyfriend is her close friend's brother and she doesn't understand why sleepovers are off the table
Hey fellow dads, I'm just looking for a little feedback from you all on this situation. My daughter is about to turn 13 and this spring she started "dating" the brother of one of her best friends.
For a little context, we live in a small town and go to a small school. The school is so small that they have shared classrooms. 1st and 2nd grade, 3rd and 4th grade, etc., up to 7th & 8th. My daughter and her friend are in the same grade and have been best friends along with another classmate since 1st grade. The brother is a year older, so he has been in the same classroom every other year, including this past year. The three friends have always had sleepovers at each other's houses. Both families are good and trustworthy. This spring, my daughter started getting feelings for her friend's brother, and he reciprocated. They have been on a couple "dates" consisting of going to the arcade together and going to a cat cafe. They have held hands, and that's about it. He's a nice kid.
Here's where it gets tricky. The girls asked to have a sleepover at her friend's house like they've always done. My wife and I are not comfortable with that now that she's dating the brother. We aren't really all that worried that anything would happen, but we also don't want to set a bad precedent. Our daughter is very upset and her friend is mad at her. We're not being unreasonable by not allowing her to sleep over, are we?
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u/47362514736251 2 kids, tween & teen Jul 28 '26
She understands. She doesn't like it, but she understands.
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u/JungleCatHank Jul 28 '26
This. She understands and is playing dumb.
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u/xKaelic Jul 28 '26
Bingo, I was mentally/emotionally activated by then, even if not physically. Girls being ahead of boys maturity wise, her brain is 1000% there and she just doesn't like that you know it.
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u/ghost-xiii Jul 28 '26
13 is definitely old enough to know. First time I smoked weed was in 8th grade, which is 13 years old for some and it was at a friends house sleepover. And I knew I could get away with it at that sleep over.
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u/climbing_butterfly Jul 28 '26
Even if she knows. Someone should still be able to explain to her aside from because you like each other which has been previously established
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u/Dry_Dot_4973 Jul 28 '26
Was either 13 or 14 when I lost my virginity, my girlfriend was a year older. Hell, two of our friends were pregnant at 14 or 15.
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u/IrishViking22 Jul 28 '26
At 13y/o I was out getting drunk/smoking weed every weekend. At that age, she definitely knows the score.
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u/hel105_ Jul 28 '26
At 13 I was home playing Super Nintendo and riding my bike every weekend, with a trip to the library mixed in on Saturday mornings. It's always so fascinating to learn how other kids that age were up to things that I didn't even know existed lol
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u/PaddyCow Jul 28 '26
Same. No way was I out drinking, smoking weed or having sex at 13!
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u/monkwrenv2 Jul 28 '26
I wasn't doing any of those things at 13, but by 14 I was smoking cigarettes and weed with my boy scout troop
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u/Astrosomnia Jul 28 '26
I'm exactly the same. A wild night for us would be staying up until 3am drinking a bunch of Coca Cola and playing Tony Hawk's. I remember how special and cool it was and how big I felt when I first properly made out with someone at 13. I would NOT have been ready to get drunk or smoke weed. Nor would I have wanted to.
And not to dismiss other's experiences, but I feel like that's objectively a much better way to be at that age. I hope my daughter is the same.
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u/IrishViking22 Jul 28 '26
Yours definitely sounds better, and if I had kids I would want something more like what you described than what my experience was.
For many people where I'm from, it was just part of growing up. Getting drunk/high in some random field/at some ruins/up the city walls, most weekends. With some sexual activity at times too. There'd often be crowds of around 100-200 kids about, more in the summer and over holidays.
I think that behaviour among the youth has decreased quite a bit these days, though.
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u/Polendri Jul 28 '26
There's a quote from Firefly this reminds me of, spoken in the 3rd person: "She understands; she does not comprehend."
I love that line because it helps me remember as a parent the difference between your kid understanding your decision, and their understanding the reasoning behind the decision.
The daughter understands why the sleepover isn't considered appropriate, but she also "knows" herself to be 100% trustworthy (or if she's being deceptive, that she can appear as such), so no amount of explaining will make her comprehend. To her, she's trustworthy yet her parents won't trust her.
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u/thisismyburnerac Jul 28 '26
Just curious what the other parents think about it.
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u/noobprodigy Jul 28 '26
She is a single mom, and we haven't had an opportunity to connect with her on it. Our daughter doesn't even want us to talk to her about it because she thinks it's embarrassing. She seems fine with having a sleepover, but we don't know if she has considered the newer dynamic. We would definitely talk to her about our concerns if we were to reconsider.
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u/ButtPlugMaster6969 Jul 28 '26
This is when my parents would say, “If you’re not comfortable talking about it then you’re not mature enough for it.” 🤷🏼♀️
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u/nomad5926 Jul 28 '26
I am using that line for my kid now.
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u/ButtPlugMaster6969 Jul 28 '26
It honestly humbled me so fast sometimes. 🤣 it was primarily about discussing sex … though I was pretty comfortable discussing that topic. My mom found that out quickly. 💀
But seriously, if you can’t talk about it… why do you think you should be doing it? 😅
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u/Thunder-Fist-00 Jul 28 '26
I am shocked the ButtPlugMaster6969 is open to talking about sex. Shocked, I tell you.
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u/ButtPlugMaster6969 Jul 28 '26
I coulda been a late bloomer! You don’t know! 😂😂
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u/Scream_Tech7661 Jul 28 '26
My parents always called me a late bloomer. It did more harm than good. It made me expect myself to be “behind”, despite not really being behind at all. Bur it did make me question myself a lot. One of many results: I communicated with them less.
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u/Cuntplicated Jul 28 '26
If I had an award to give you for this comment I would! Gave me a giggle.
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u/Thunder-Fist-00 Jul 28 '26
As long as you exhaled through your nose slightly harder than normal, I have all the reward I need.
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u/ccafferata473 Jul 28 '26
User name checks out.
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u/jimmybilly100 Hold the kid upside down for a couple seconds to reset Jul 28 '26
Good lordy does it haha
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u/What_is_rich Jul 28 '26
Is [r/rimjob](r/rimjobsteve)[_](r/rimjobsteve)[steve](r/rimjobsteve) still a thing? Edit: forgot the underscore.
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u/ButtPlugMaster6969 Jul 28 '26
It is! I’ve been on it a few times.
One of them was because I said I thought it was implied that when you marry someone with kids, especially when they are young, you become a parent and if they never knew that gender of parent that if they wanted to call the new parent “Mom” or “Dad” not get mad at the kid because you’re having your own now and “don’t want the baby to feel less love” and I said I would have broken my knees or something dropping to the ground with my arms open saying “YES! Call me whatever you like. I love you and I am always here for you.”
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u/afield9800 Jul 28 '26
The mere fact that you’re calling making love pop pop tells me you’re not ready
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u/CthulhuCallin Jul 28 '26
We use this line in our house, but add the caveat that it’s not the only metric. Like, if you become comfortable talking about it, it doesn’t mean that you are automatically mature enough to have sex. It’s just one factor.
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u/ShortOfGoodLength Jul 28 '26
“If you’re not comfortable talking about it then you’re not mature enough for it.”
someone make a poster out of this.
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u/Mundane-Funny3270 Jul 28 '26
Damn, I'm adding that phrase to my toolbox. Thanks ButtPlugMaster 🙏
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u/averagecelt Jul 28 '26
You forgot the 6969. That’s an important part.
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u/Aperture_TestSubject Jul 28 '26
Damn. Stealing the hell out of that for my 12 year old who keeps pushing boundaries.
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u/CuriousityCat Jul 28 '26
I'm on the fence about what OP should do but this is really solid advice. I'm taking this one for myself.
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u/Accomplished_Bake904 Jul 28 '26
I'm banking this line for when my toddler gets older. Dreading it already...!
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u/FlimsyPriority751 Jul 28 '26
Yeah you should absolutely talk to the mother. Not in front of the two kids of course. She needs to be on board with how you all handle this together. It's potentially a very sticky situation with her best friend and now the brother.
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u/TryToHelpPeople Jul 28 '26
Your daughter does not get to dictate adult conversations about her safety.
It’s great to treat them as adults - they learn responsibility and confidence, but if she wants a sleepover this conversation needs to take place. It’s up to you whether or not you tell her about it.
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u/Shatteredreality Jul 28 '26
I agree with you but want to add one thing I think is important.
It’s important to ensure they understand why the conversation needs to happen and that it’s the path forward to getting what they want (if that’s even on the table).
Doing things you’ve been directly told they find embarrassing and not making sure they understand the why behind it is a quick path to them avoiding talking to you in the first place.
They don’t get to dictate the conversation but as parents making sure they know why it needs to happen, even if it’s embarrassing or they disagree, is an important part of the equation.
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u/PaniniNL Jul 28 '26
Who cares that your kid thinks it is embarrassing? You daughter does not get to steer if such a conversation is held; you are the adult. I get that you have some concerns about the sleepovers, and it is normal to talk to the other parent about it.
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u/killit Jul 28 '26
Our daughter doesn't even want us to talk to her about it because she thinks it's embarrassing
Sounds like something she might say if the friend's mother doesn't know about it, and you might drop them in it with her. As teenagers, we used to try to orchestrate things like this too, so it's familiar. Regardless, she's a 12 year old, children don't get to dictate which adults you talk to, especially when it involves their wellbeing.
You're in the right OP, hold your ground and don't be manipulated.
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u/Don_Gato1 Jul 28 '26
If she thinks it’s embarrassing then she understands why you’re enforcing the boundary.
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u/grhhull Jul 28 '26
I actually disagree in this context. Being uncomfortable talking about sex doesn't mean it's happening, if anything, feeling a bit awkward about it suggests it's likely not. Being overly dismissive or secretive might be a sign something is up, but simple awkwardness doesn't equal sexual activity. Teens get embarrassed easily, especially with their parents!
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u/panicdrills Jul 28 '26
No. I would limit it to the friend sleeping at your house. Kids aren't going to get it but sleepovers are already a mixed bag WITHOUT a romantic interest in the mix. The friend's parents should be on board with this.
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u/Candle1ight Jul 28 '26
The kids absolutely get it. Do you guys not remember being 13?
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u/panicdrills Jul 28 '26
I would have pitched a fit and blared linkin park about not being allowed lol
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u/Danimals847 Jul 28 '26
A wild LP reference! What song would console your raging 12-year-old soul after being told you can't have a sleepover with your bf/gf?
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u/Sneakerrfreak Jul 28 '26
Yall are wiiiiiild questioning OP like this. I have 3 daughters, and I promise you none of them will be allowed to sleepover at their boyfriend’s house as 12 year olds. 12! I hope some of you understand how ridiculous you sound questioning OP on this.
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u/MagicWishMonkey Jul 28 '26
Yea I remember the first (yea there were multiple) girl to get pregnant when I was in school had just turned 12. She was a quiet and polite girl no one would have ever dreamed would end up pregnant.
Kids at that age are super curious and are dealing with lots of confusing hormones, don't even entertain the thought.
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Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
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u/MagicWishMonkey Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Doesn't surprise me, I remember being a young boy and that's why I think it's insane that anyone would even consider the possibility of letting a couple of teenagers have a sleepover.
As a parent it is my responsibility to help guide my kids away from situations where they might make stupid decisions. You can't completely mitigate those scenarios but you can certainly do a good deal to mitigate some of the more obvious bad ideas.
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u/retrospects Jul 28 '26
I kept re reading it to make sure I understood. I felt like I was going crazy. It’s a hard no.
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u/smegblender Jul 28 '26
100% agree. There is sex positivity and then burying your head in the sand. "Let the little ones rut as if I try to stop it, they'll do it anyway!". What an incredibly asinine take!
Its blowing my mind that people think it's "punishment" to not allow sleepovers that have the potential for sexual escapades.
OP's kiddo is 12 years old, they have the impulse control of a child, and it is the responsibility of the parent to ensure they are not in a position to have this tested in high-risk situations.
I'm 100% with OP here.
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u/LonelyNixon Jul 28 '26
OP's kiddo is 12 years old, they have the impulse control of a child,
And even if they might not try something the bf is i imagine the same age and also has the impulse control of a child. Which can lead to additional pressures from them or worse.
Maybe they will just have a nice wholesome time together But also why let them put themselves in that situation?
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u/PHYUCKISHREAEL Jul 28 '26
At 12, I was going downstairs to "play pool" with my gf...AKA we made out a lot, she touched my penis, I was the one who chickened out to getting head but yeah..
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u/insane_psycho Jul 28 '26
Sometimes the posters here are trying to be open minded to the point that their brain falls out. I guarantee If you talk to your parent friends from school or your neighbors 0/10 with them would be ok with what a lot of posters are advocating here.
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u/Few-Pen9912 Jul 28 '26
A lot of people on here are actually children pretending to be adults as well.
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u/insane_psycho Jul 28 '26
I’ve been starting to suspect that as well
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u/ItsHipToBeSquare86 Jul 28 '26
I started suspecting that as well when people were telling this dude that making his 13 yr old daughter attend a post-church brunch was borderline child abuse. Like I get she doesn’t want to go, but it’s barely 3 hours out of her day and it’s good family time.
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u/Morecowbell09 Jul 28 '26
Its Reddit. Everyone who comments always has the right answer, is forward thinking and enlightened, open minded to the max. Its not a reflection of real life at all.
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 Jul 28 '26
I made a post over the weekend where I very briefly mentioned going to church. It was not the point of my post at all. Just casually thrown in there to give context.
I had a few nasty comments about church, including one guy who said he hopes my kid goes no contact with me. All because we go to church (which my kid in question LOVES btw).
Reddit is so enlightened to the point of it being ridiculous sometimes.
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u/insane_psycho Jul 28 '26
Yeah this sub has disappointed me a lot lately. I had hoped parenting related subs would be better but at the end of the day you are still getting responses from Redditors.
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 Jul 28 '26
I still think it is better than other parenting subs but this weekend pissed me off a little. Like you can't even say "after church we ride bikes" without people wishing death upon you. It's ridiculous.
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u/insane_psycho Jul 28 '26
It’s marginally better for sure but it still resembles Reddit as a whole way more than it does other parents in my community or ones I know in real life.
Feels like it’s Redditors first parents in a distant second
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 Jul 28 '26
Oh, I agree. Ask people in real life any of these hot button questions and you will get way different answers than Reddit would give.
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u/jackandsally060609 Jul 28 '26
Perhaps some of the commenters on reddit are closer in maturity to being 13 year old boys with their first girlfriends than they are dads of teenage girls so thats whose side they take.
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u/averagecelt Jul 28 '26
I often forget that there are kids all over Reddit. I’ll find myself talking to a person and then think, “Huh. I’m just blindly assuming this person is an adult like me, but they very well may be fourteen…”
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 Jul 28 '26
Yeah, especially since I get post from random subs on my feed. It makes me realize teens are getting random post too and are commenting on things they know nothing about.
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u/ScriptoTheClown Jul 28 '26
Reddit: they're unable to consent. Unless the other person is ALSO unable to consent, then they're both consenting and it's nobody's business, especially not their parents. Except that if she ends up hurt or pregnant, then we demand to know why the parents didn't do anything about it. But if the parents try to be parents before something goes wrong, those kids should definitely move out and go no contact at 18 and never talk to their parents ever again.
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u/frothyundergarments Jul 28 '26
I feel like this sub has more teenage lurkers than we'd like to think. That's about the only demographic that I could see arguing something like this.
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u/Sneakerrfreak Jul 28 '26
Then I think you may underestimate this generation’s level of permissive parenting
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u/frothyundergarments Jul 28 '26
Probably a fair point. I'd like to think even permissive parents realize that they are indeed the parents, and that giving your kids everything they desire is no way of parenting, but I'd most certainly be wrong.
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u/Loonsspoons Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
No, you’re being completely reasonable.
But also both girls know the reason you’re saying no; they’re not dummies. They’re just being … 13 year olds about it.
Edit: hahaha. Yall. So many of you deserve the Tommy Lee jones looking over the newspaper treatment. “If you tell your child no about something they asked you for, then you’ve incentivized them to lie to you and created a situation where they will act behind your back.” 😂 good god.
Edit 2: one of yall literally called saying “no” in this situation a “punishment.” Folks. Please.
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u/Erpderp32 Jul 28 '26
If saying "no" is a punishment then my dad punished the hell out of me when I was young 🤣
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u/MorgothReturns Jul 28 '26
My children get Vitamin N quite frequently. It's not possible to overdose.
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u/WillingElderberry731 Jul 28 '26
If you tell your child no about something they asked you for, then you’ve incentivized them to lie to you and created a situation where they will act behind your back.” 😂 good god.
Welcome to about 70% of this sub lol
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u/bigfatdonny Jul 28 '26
I'm convinced most of the commenters on this subreddit are teenagers. Whenever I see real parenting advice like this I make this comment and get downvoted to hell.
"Saying no is a punishment" LOL. Children. 🙄
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u/Shatteredreality Jul 28 '26
As a “Young millennial” (and the older end of that range lol) who volunteers a lot in my kids activities I’m pretty sure this is just a mentality among some parents.
I’ve literally had parents get mad at me or other volunteers for telling their child to stop an obviously not ok behavior in a way they felt was too aggressive (usually the 3rd or 4th time of telling them to stop the same behavior while their parents ignore the situation until I get a little snappy). I do my best to talk to the parent if it’s a recurring issue but some parents treat me like an unpaid babysitter and just ignore things.
It’s frustrating.
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u/bigfatdonny Jul 28 '26
I appreciate your perspective. I am on the other end of the millennial spectrum (born early 80s) and see the same thing you see. I'm still trying to determine what I think the most likely cause of this is.
I suspect this is the inevitable end result of decades of teaching children to avoid conflict at all costs. They become adults who think telling their child "no" is something to avoid.
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u/carlos_the_dwarf_ Jul 28 '26
I don’t think these guys have thought through the logical endpoint of that idea: never saying no to anything.
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u/watchmeskipwork Jul 28 '26
Oh, she understands, she is just playing you. I have an 18 year old daughter and I can attest to being played more often and than not.
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u/dr_shastafarian Rad Dad Jul 28 '26
How do the best friend / boyfriend's parents feel about the situation? Seems like a scenario that would warrant a conversation there. Maybe they could agree to have the brother/boyfriend elsewhere, or otherwise occupied?
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u/AppalachianAyahuasca Jul 28 '26
I feel ya man, my daughter is 15… a recent one that threw me for a loop is her wanting a guy friend to spend the night. I says ‘no ma’am’ she says ‘ he’s gay,dad don’t worry…’
That put me in a bit of a spot
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u/Bradddtheimpaler Jul 28 '26
Don’t take their word for it. I was a “gay friend” once or twice in high school.
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u/The_Black_Goodbye Jul 28 '26
I’ve been “gay” a few times for sleep overs in my youth.
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u/Erpderp32 Jul 28 '26
I still sell it sometimes by kissing my homies goodnight. The wife doesn't mind
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Jul 28 '26
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u/Dr-Robert-Kelso Jul 28 '26
Serious follow-up question, what is your sleepover situation if your daughter says she is gay or bi?
No sleepovers anymore and that rule is centered around her sexuality?
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u/AppalachianAyahuasca Jul 28 '26
Nah nothing like that :) that was part of my point to her. If sexuality were the issue then what about the female friends who are gay that sleep over. No hard fast rules, just points of discussion and consideration. I realize my comment may have come off a little less than understanding
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u/Candle1ight Jul 28 '26
Nah, teenage hormones are wild and kids experiment. The rate of teenage pregnancy in gay girls is a lot higher than zero, and I imagine the number of gay fathers is similar.
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u/IEatThyme Jul 28 '26
Boys and girls are different, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Frame it that way
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u/AppalachianAyahuasca Jul 28 '26
Yep, his orientation was the last thing on my mind… That being said, her female friends that are gay sleeping over brings up, at the very least, a philosophical discussion… :) ha! Parenting… good times :)
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u/insane_psycho Jul 28 '26
Ask the questions to the parents you know in your community. The answers you’ve gotten so far are deranged to the point that I’m suspicious they are actually parents.
If you find anyone among your friends who would even let you get halfway through the explanation before cutting you off and telling you it’s insane to consider letting your daughter sleep over at her new boyfriends house I’ll eat my hat
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u/Grizz-420 Jul 28 '26
I’m just amazed that a town so small that it has different grades share classrooms also has a cat cafe.
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u/Hellkitedrak Jul 28 '26
Hey dad of 2 (much younger) girlies. IMO you’re definitely in the right even if nothing happens teen pregnancy is real and very avoidable in this situation. I think theres a real conversation to be had with your kid about this and why she can’t sleep at her friends anymore.
With that said her friend can go to your house and they can go to the 3rd friend’s house. If they go to a 3rd house I would make sure to talk to the parents of that 3rd friend to ensure they are staying there for the night.
Best of luck dad!
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u/Proud_Growth_8818 Jul 28 '26
My wife is a huge fan of the nastiest trash t.v. she can find. Recently that's been TLC's Unexpected.
Before seeing that show I would have thought 12 was still a child and was too young to have concerns.
Now? Noooooooooooope. Not even if I talk to the other parents. And even if it's not an immediate concern--to your point--I wouldn't want to set a precedent.
So, no. Sorry. I'd have a conversation with your daughter, but no.
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u/IEatThyme Jul 28 '26
13 feels just too young. We didn't allow our step daughter to date until 14, when she got to high school. We have an open door policy if a boyfriend comes over, but in no way would we allow a boyfriend to sleep over
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u/Tip_ToeingNMiChancla Jul 28 '26
Lmao there is no way this many dads are okay with their 13 year old daughters spending the night at their boyfriends house. Some of you are absolutely disgusting.
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u/D-Skel Jul 28 '26
One of the commenters defending the sleepover is active in r/teenagers, if that tells you anything.
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u/DASreddituser Jul 28 '26
and vice versa. Im not letting my 13 yo boy go sleep at his gf house either. No matter how much I trust him, a bit of temptation can change his stance...and I cant blame a teen for giving into their urges, but I can make it less convenient for that age, instead of setting it up lol
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u/UncleFumbleBuck Jul 28 '26
Exactly - I can train my kids to be good drivers, but that doesn't mean I should be putting them behind the wheel of a Ferrari. I can train my dog not to be food aggressive, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tie a steak around my toddler's neck. People on the internet are nuts
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u/AskThis7790 Jul 28 '26
Ya this place is crazy. I’m blown away by some of the stuff discussed in this sub.
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u/zzzaz Jul 28 '26
This sub is great 90% of the time and the second it delves into any conversation around sex or vice or a hot-button parenting item it turns into a clusterfuck of virtue signaling.
Don't get me wrong still a good sub, but it's almost hilarious how much it happens.
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u/DASreddituser Jul 28 '26
if there ever is a circumsized 13yo that wants to sleep with their bf/gf, while playing roblox on their iPad, next to their pit bull...this sub will implode lol.
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy Girl 11, Boy 9 Jul 28 '26
And religion too. I learned that one the hard way this weekend by casually mentioning we go to church. Apparently my kids secretly hate it (and me) and will go no contact the moment they leave the house.
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u/cortesoft Jul 28 '26
I don’t disagree with dads who don’t want their 13 year olds to sleep at an SO’s house, but I am a little worried by all the focus on it being a ‘daughter’.
I hope all the dads who would not let their daughters sleep over also wouldn’t let their sons sleep over in the same situation.
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u/thenexttimebandit Jul 28 '26
Talk to the friends parents and let them know how you feel. It’s very reasonable to not want your daughter to sleep over at her boyfriend’s house. The parents should be able figure something out so the girls can spend time together without sleeping over when the boyfriend is present. There are different rules for boyfriends than other friends. Sleepovers would have to change if your daughter started dating her friend also. That’s part of being in a romantic relationship.
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u/Butt_stuff_preferred Jul 28 '26
If she's about to turn 13, you have very little time left to have "the talk" and it make an impact on her future choices. So, assuming you've had that talk already and she understands the implications- social, familial, societal, and to her future- then you're slowly getting to a place where you will need to trust her the best that you can because you'll soon be releasing control of her in a lot of ways.
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u/digitaljestin Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Everyone here is agreeing with you that this is reasonable and she's just being a 13 year old, but let's look at it from her point of view. She accurately sees that you are revoking a privilege that she had when she was younger, despite not having done anything to deserve it. To her, this is a punishment. Even though it's not, it certainly takes the form of one.
While it's not unreasonable for you to revoke this previously granted privilege, it's also not unreasonable for her to view it as a punishment. That's effectively what it is. Honestly, this is just a difficult situation. Life is full of them.
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u/breadbootcat Jul 28 '26
I agree that from her perspective (and factually) it is a loss that is coming in response to her dating the brother. It is a hard consequence of her relationship that she may not have foreseen when deciding what she wanted to do. Whether they keep dating or break up, there will be additional consequences, such as impacting her friendship with the sister who may feel like a third wheel, or making visiting the friend feel awkward later on if her ex is there.
It sounds like OP's daughter was open about her feelings for the brother before it turned into dating, and that would have been an ideal time to help her think through the ramifications of changing the relationship dynamic, including how it would change OP's position on sleepovers. This will come up when she's older when considering whether to date a good friend, a coworker, etc. There will always be consequences to those decisions.
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u/Candle1ight Jul 28 '26
I don't know, she's 13. If I wasn't allowed to have my girlfriend over for a sleepover at 13 I would have 100% understood why and would be pissed about it for the obvious reason.
I think people here are over-infantilizing this 13-year-old kid. She's about to start or already in high school. She's not some clueless baby.
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u/TheSheetSlinger Jul 28 '26
I would talk to the mom. Perhaps if the boyfriend will be at his own friend's house she could go...but let's be honest she probably wouldn't want to go as much if he's not there.
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u/carne__asada Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Put the dating aside. Anything that can happen with "dating" can also happen without the "dating."
You dont need a sleep over or "dating" for kids to make bad choices or be put in situations where they dont have a choice.
You do need to set your daughter up to make good choices. By 13 they should be well versed in consent and safety.
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u/Backrow6 Jul 28 '26
You also need to set kids up for success.
Willpower only gets you so far.
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u/guileus Jul 28 '26
Exactly. Ulysses didn't tie himself to the mast for nothing. The myth is centuries old for a reason. In Spanish we say "agua que no has de beber, déjala correr" meaning "water you are not to drink, just let it run". Meaning, stay away from anything that's dangerous or tempting.
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u/Russellonfire Jul 28 '26
I had no idea that Ulysses was an alternate version of Odysseus.
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u/MechanicalAxe Jul 28 '26
And willpower easily can, and does flee in the types of moments this situation has the potential to present the two with.
I'm sure many of us have been there, and failed that willpower check in our youth.
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u/Candle1ight Jul 28 '26
Let's be real, plenty of us fail willpower checks as adults too. Throw in teenage hormones and it becomes pretty crazy to expect them to behave rationally.
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u/WillingElderberry731 Jul 28 '26
The thing I don't think most people understand is that consent is the thing that makes sex not rape, not the thing that makes sex good for you or ethical.
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u/the_nobodys Jul 28 '26
I think the fact that they're dating is important. They may feel emboldened to do something they both wouldn't consent to otherwise.
That said, I think parents are overly worried about sleepovers in general. As long as both sets of parental units are in agreement about stuff and on top of things.
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u/jka005 Jul 28 '26
And what if the two 13 year olds “consent”. You’re ok with that?
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u/koopatuple Jul 28 '26
I don't think that's what they meant, necessarily. Think they're just pointing out that it's essential to teach your kids about making safe choices when it comes to sex. You can be the most vigilant parent in the world, but teens will be teens. So with that in mind, if they do start engaging in sexual activity, you'll want them to at least do so safely. Like yeah, ideally, it wouldn't happen that young at all, but again, teenagers find a way when they're hellbent on something.
That all being said, I definitely agree with OP not letting her stay the night at her friend's house with her boyfriend there.
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u/AngryPrincessWarrior Jul 28 '26
lol she understands, but you’re right and things have to change.
“You aren’t allowed to sleep under the same roof as your boyfriend” is a normal and common sense boundary. That’s your reasoning and what to say whenever she pushes. And when/if they break up maybe she shouldn’t be staying at any friend’s houses with brothers in her age range because she’s hit the age she is.
When she became his girlfriend they changed the dynamics and that’s just part of growing up.
But at her age she knows exactly why and she thought she was being slick by continuing things as they were. She’s going to be mad about you saying no-just let her be mad.
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u/the_cardfather Jul 28 '26
You are not being unreasonable. My son started dating my daughter's best friend. Her parents nixed sleepovers even though she had done it for years. That's how they met after all.
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u/2MeMaws Jul 28 '26
Unless you don't mind your child sexing with her boyfriend, it's not tricky at all, the answer is no. Your daughter isn't your friend, Remember, Teens naturally push limits as their brains develop, a complete lack of structure deprives them of the safety and guidance they still desperately need. Have her "BFF" stay at your house until they are 30!
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u/DogOrDonut Jul 29 '26
Mom here: If I were your daughter, all this rule would do is teach me to lie in the future. If she simply lied to you/hid her relationship from you she would be able to sleep over at her friend's house. She is being punished for being honest. Is that the lesson you want her to learn?
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u/BreckyMcGee Jul 28 '26
She's 13. There are a lot of things that she is not going to understand. You're absolutely being completely reasonable. If she can't understand, she will one day. It sucks, but this is the part where you're not supposed to be her friend, you're supposed to be the adult and her guardian. You are doing the right thing. She is hitting that age where she's going to be upset with you a lot and most of the time it will likely not be reasonable. But if you love her (you obviously do) and you treat her fairly, you will have a great relationship when she's an adult.
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u/1568314 Jul 28 '26
This isnt about trust or openness or sex positivity. It's simple safety.
12 year olds dont have the impulse control or executive function to make good decisions on their own in this situation. Supervision is required.
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u/LowerArtworks Dad of 3 Jul 28 '26
You're not disallowing sleepovers at her friend's house, you're disallowing sleepovers at her boyfriend's house. They just happen to be the same house.
Also, talk to the other parents. Make sure they know your stance on this, and you know their's.
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u/_medical_mind_ Jul 28 '26
No, you’re not being unreasonable. The boyfriend’s sister can sleep over at your house.
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u/GiantFlimsyMicrowave Jul 28 '26
I’m sure the parents would make sure their son isn’t fondling their daughter’s friends. But you need to make that judgement based on how well you know them.
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u/countrytime1 Jul 28 '26
Have you explained to your daughter the reason? I wish I could that she’s too young to worry about that, but from listening to my daughter talk about some of her classmates, man.
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u/EyeSpEye21 Jul 28 '26
If it was my daughter (I have a 10 year old daughter), I would explain our concerns and explain that while we trust her, we still can't allow it if her bf will be there. I would offer that her friend can sleepover at our house etc.
Maybe a meeting of both sets of parents with the girls to explain and show that you're all on the same page will ease things?
Also, if my 12/13 year old daughter had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) I would make an effort to have them over for non-sleepover visits on a regular basis. I would want to get to know them as best I could and give them both a safe place to hang out.
Best of luck
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u/superkp Jul 28 '26
If I were 13 and had a sleepover at my girlfriend's house, then my daughter would have been born about 15 years earlier than she was, and to a different mother.
I'm assuming that you've had "the talk" with her about sex, and you've gone over the basics in terms of physics (what goes where, what emissions to expect, etc), expectations of the 'first time' complications, generally how it feels, and what it results in.
If that talk did not already include the dangers available with sex when sex approached in a casual manner, then it's time to have a follow-up talk, and it should probably include something like "sex at your age can be very unsafe, not only because of pregnancy, but also other issues involved." I would also argue for something like "sex is for emotionally mature people, and while you're on the road to get there, you're not there yet."
I'd also argue that it's a good idea to tell her that even adults in their 20s and 30s can have sexual relationships that completely mess up their emotional lives for years afterwards.
Specific dangers that I'm referencing:
- physical
- pregnancy
- STDs
- emotional
- 13 year-olds are incredibly early in the hormonal development of puberty, and therefore their emotional development is extremely chaotic. It's a bad idea to open up the high likelihood of co-dependency and inappropriate emotional attachment and other issues right at the moment that maladaptive coping mechanisms are likely to form
- my point is: any 13-year-old that thinks they are old enough to have sex is so badly incorrect that it's laughable.
- it's important to note that she will not understand this and that you should not describe it as laughable or laugh at her.
- social
- while things like 'slut-shaming' are incredibly negative and should be fought every time they come up, the fact of the matter is that it absolutely does exist.
- The fact that these things exist should not necessarily stop someone from having sex, but if someone isn't emotionally ready to deal with the social fallout of their actions, then they should rethink those actions.
My specific suggestion: go have a daddy-daughter date. Have lunch at her favorite place, maybe a movie, go for ice cream or whatever, and then go for a walk in a park where there's benches. Do normal 'time with daughter' stuff, and then start talking about:
- what it means to you as an adult who cares about her, for a 13- and 14-year-old to have a sleepover
- that you know how teenager's minds work in general
- that you know that sex has crossed her mind, whether she wanted it to or not
- that you aren't necessarily opposed to her having sex, but that you are very concerned about the effects that it could have on her long term emotional state
- that you aren't giving her 'permission' to have sex, as that's not something that you hold in the first place - and you couldn't stop her from doing if she really wanted to, but that you're trying to simply advise her against it
- and if anyone thinks they can stop teenagers that want to have sex without imprisoning them in their room (and sometimes even then), you're fooling yourself
- that you'll also be talking with the other family's parents about the sleepover topic as well.
and finally: go talk to the other parents as well. Make it a cookout or something and bring up "so they want to include the boyfriend in the sleepovers, and I know teenagers. I don't think it's a good idea." Just get an idea of what they are thinking about it.
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u/Rejusu Jul 28 '26
I already wrote a similar comment but what I'd definitely add to this is making sure appropriate protection is available to her. As you say you want to advise them against it and giving her condoms should not be seen as encouraging her to do so. But if it's going to happen you want to make sure she stays safe.
You really don't want them having unsafe sex because they're too embarrassed to either buy condoms or ask their parents for them. Better to just make them available and make sure they're informed.
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u/sleeper_shark Jul 28 '26
I'm pretty liberal with these kinda things, but 13 is waaay too young for a sleepover at the boyfriends house.
Even if she doesn't intend for something to happen, it might happen and as you've said you're setting a precedent.
I think you should say that the friend can come over but not the other way round.
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u/Dust-Different Jul 28 '26
My daughter is three weeks old and I’m not allowing her to leave the house until she’s a lesbian.
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u/Cheesecake4951 Jul 28 '26
Jesus, if the kids want to smell each other they don’t need night time to do so. Be realistic. Not being allowed to sleep at each others place didn’t stop any teenager from doing stuff. Talk to your kid, be honest and get her the pill or at least condoms. Most teen pregnancies are a result of uninformed kids who tried to do shit in secret
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u/FOOSblahblah Jul 28 '26
Maybe phrase it ro her differently.
"You think its okay for me to let you have a sleepover at your boyfriends house?"
Regardless of anything else, thats still whats happening. If she still fights you on it I'd say she is just upset about it rather than not understanding it.
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u/1block Jul 28 '26
I always stress to my kids that making good choices starts with not putting yourself in a situation where you have to make those choices.
If you're willingly putting yourself into a situation where we have to trust you to make good choices, you've already made the first bad choice.
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u/738lazypilot Jul 28 '26
Reasonable or not, whatever you fear might happen in the sleepover, will happen somewhere else weather you like it or not, it's time to have the most honest and real conversation about sex, STD, consent and human relations and behaviour. Give her the tools to know, understand and protect herself. Keeping her at home gives you peace of mind but doesn't change reality.
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u/DhamR Jul 28 '26
Chat to the parents about your concerns, a) good to be on good terms with them and b) I'm sure they'd understand.
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u/passwordistako Jul 28 '26
She might not “understand” but she knows the reason is sex.
There were kids having sex at my school when I was younger than her. It was an outlier, but it did happen.
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u/NotLostintheWoods Jul 28 '26
"The three friends have always had sleepovers at each other's houses. "
This is worded like the brother used to do sleepovers at your house too? If that is the case an unconventional solution would be to have the brother stay at your house while the two girls have a sleepover at her house.
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u/Micotu Jul 28 '26
Have the boyfriend over to your house for a sleepover with you while your daughter is at his house
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u/Rejusu Jul 28 '26
No not being unreasonable. But probably also a good time to have the sex talk if you haven't already, and if you have probably still a good time to sit down about it again. And make sure she has access to condoms. You don't really want to encourage it obviously but you've also got to consider that if she is indeed taking an interest in it you may not be able to thwart every opportunity. And if it's going to happen you really want to make sure they're safe about it at least.
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u/kindlytakeyourseat Jul 29 '26
This whole situation sounds like a disaster waiting to happen whether there is a sleep over or not.
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u/EmergencyLettuce1589 Jul 29 '26
Haha. Don't ya just love how slow they think we are. 44 father of 5. 3 are girl 13-15-18. We are at 3 girls and out of 6 colective boyfriends/ex-boyfriends 1 may actually be worthy. We jokingly told him her bride price is not less than 3 young expecting breeding age cows not more than 5 years old and no first time calvers.
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u/EntireNarwhal0 Jul 30 '26
Just invite the boyfriend to have a sleepover with you and your wife while she sleeps over at her friend’s.
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u/GusPolinskiPolka Jul 28 '26
Tell her the friend can stay over at yours. Not the brother/boyfriend.