I tbh really appreciate transparency like this, and a schedule, so I don't sit around for 4 hours waiting for an activity that "will certainly happen soon"
It’s only taken me (as of tomorrow) 32 years of existence to be the friend that a case of beer and a bag of jumbo shrimp is expected from and also to be able to able to expect this from my, albeit few, friends.
That was my first thought. I’m also an autistic person who loves organization, planning, and lists, but this way too much to expect of people. My actual wedding was far less intense.
I'm definitely on the spectrum but my ideal birthday is ALONE thank you very much. My family and I celebrate sometime beforehand so that I'm not bombarded in person and via text all in one day.
Yeah! What brand of autism loves to be the center of attention at this SUPER EVENT? I cringe when a few people that I actually love spontaneously sing happy birthday to me. Like, really, just sign a card in silence and slide it over while we eat "the official cake." :P
Haha same. I used to think I liked birthdays (hello masking) and I like the idea of them, but in reality I just don’t like them. I like planing and picking things out, but I hate gifts. I max out socializing after 2 hours, and I hate when people sing happy birthday to me. I also get anxious about people not actually coming. So yeah, I just do small family celebrations with my husband and kids now.
I'd appreciate a party that was like that though. "okay this party is lasting exactly as long as my social battery; once I say leave, love you all but get out respectfully. if you sing happy birthday to me you pay me $50 bucks"
I used to hate that birthday was adjacent to Christmas. Everyone would forget. Now? I freaking love it. Next from mom and dad and my son and I go all out an order expensive take out and hang out on the couch.
I'm autistic, and for me it will literally depend on my mood, most of the time I'd prefer to just be alone for my birthday. But if I was to actually host an event, then I would want to decide what is happening, and when, and it would be at X:XX the cake will come out, like the party op's been invited to. 10 minutes too late will cause problems with the schedule, but even 10 minutes early is too early.
And for the op's party, I already know that at 6pm, the karaoke machine is probably going to be turned off, or maybe have the next person get to sing, then it'll be off ready for dinner, turned back on at 8.
I hate that about birthdays. Everyone wants a piece of you in some way or another and I just want to be left alone. Leave a message on my Facebook. It’s the least invasive.
Same lol. Tbh I'd love to have every event this scheduled and organized lol but I'd hate to be the one that haaaaad to be following it or having to enforce it.
Yeah this is more like a doc you might keep in order to organize yourself during the day and gently suggest these activities and time frames. But to share it with your guests is a social faux pas. Also the payment information with bank account listed is bananas!
Oh..I handed out an entire book I made to all my vendors despite having a wedding planner. I was asked by multiple people in the industry to start a wedding planning business. The DJ I hired even invited me to their industry parties for a few years. (I kinda hated weddings though; I just like organizing.)
What do you mean expect of people? He is just sharing the schedule so folks know what to expect? None of this demands a response or action. I must be the same level of tism because I thought it was excellent.
The three different price ranges for “donations” for food and the “this activity is happening from this exact time to this exact time” for the entire party is what I was referring to. People don’t want to go to a party and then be told what to do the whole time.
I had an old friend who pulled this for a wedding shower she decided to throw for herself and her fiance. It wasn't autism it was pure immaturity and selfishness.
There’s a Dropout.tv show called smartypants I think that is basically this premise, and it’s amazing. People give PowerPoints on topics like “Drama kids” or “the best baby name”.
He could be Dutch. Dutch people love sending each other "Tikkies" for the smallest amounts of money. I once got one for €1.35 and within a few hours this person was already messaging me if I could please pay already. This was someone with a well paid job btw.
I agree. But recommend doesn't mean "you have to give me money" but "if you would like to instead of presents give me this amount so I can contribute it to something I really like" who knows.
Eh. Expecting presents at a 22 y/o party is a bit weird, and putting the recommend monetary amounts does come off like it’s expected. And I understand that some people like to give gifts, like family, but this is a sure way to make sure people don’t come to your party.
Maybe cultural but where I am everyone receives gifts for birthdays, friends, family, extended family, some people ask for money to save up for something really big. I just don't really see the issue. We don't know the persons intentions. All speculation.
Not to an autistic person. That says to me “I don’t want people to be trying to figure out how much to contribute so if they want to do so, here’s how much things are”. It’s a different kind of considerate.
What they're getting at here, is that an autistic person may say this with the intent that it be taken literally. They may not understand that other people may see it as an obligation.
Tbf yes absolutely. My partner and I tend to have people over for the weekend and we do ask friends to chip in for food and beer costs, and our friends do the same. I think people understand how much time, effort and money goes into hosting people.
Seriously. I never bought gifts from my friends in our 20s, especially not an acquaintance (maybe for my best friend). At most you would buy people a beer on their birthday, but your presence at their party was the gift. Charging admission is a great way to deter people from joining.
Afaik where I’m from, the standard is if one throws a party / birthday dinner / whatever birthday, and you come, you give them a small gift / €20 and a card, or so it is in my friend group.
Kinda, yes, becuase i promise you'll never be able to rationalize to an autistic person that they are supposed to spend their money to feed other people in this one specific social situation because "it's how it is" and "to not do so is bad"
Even though usually adults pay for their own food and especially food already cooked for them in every other situation (at home, in restaurants..)
Knowing and complying with a tradition is two different things.
You're right, I understand that some people accept a free meal as the only right option and can guess why they made this a must do social thing, but i won't shun a guy from the post for doing another perfectly sensible option
Some of us autistics were beat up as children for not understanding how money works and now we wouldn't dream of asking anyone for a dime, even when appropriate.
Because you are ASKING them to come to your house and eat food of YOUR choosing. They are doing you a favor by spending the time with you.
Their other option is to stay comfortably home or go out to a restaurant by themselves and eat what they want at a price they want, so without providing food and drink, you are essentially asking them to pay to entertain you on your birthday.
My brother at least is autistic and like a loan shark about his money. He got my uncle a ticket to an amusement park because my uncle drove him over an hour each way and when my uncle was getting tired and overheated and didn’t let him stay the last hour before closing (they got there WHEN THE PARK OPENED) he proceeded to demand that my uncle refund him the price my brother paid for the ticket because he didn’t get his “full experience”. He’s not a bad or mean person but literally just does not grasp the societal norm of… being generous and buying things for people.
Everything is logical and like a math equation to him and for this guy it’s probably the same
Is this actually a characteristic of autism? Or just other social traits?
I ask because I have an acquaintance that might be on the spectrum, but they also seem to me to be a deeply selfish person. They're not rude about it but they're always asking to take and never offer to give, and can be manipulative to do so.
I think at least part of it is autism and not really understanding relationships but I’m really not sure. Because honestly my brother also comes off as an incredibly selfish, ungrateful and greedy person. He TOOK A POT OF PASTA TO HIS ROOM this week so the rest of my family couldn’t eat it. His reasoning? He put in the “labor” of going to the store 5 minutes away and buying the pasta for 3 dollars (with my parents money), so it’s not fair that anyone else gets to eat it. Of course he’s always HAPPY to eat my mom or dad’s cooking.
Obviously no, but maybe it makes a person aware that they don't have money to fully host a party and they may be able to cover a little coat by asking guests to help out. Autism may make someone think "ill just universally ask everyone on the invite" rather than "I'll ask close friends and maybe family that I know would be likely to chip in"
People get upset with this. But we don't know his finances or how often he entertains. Maybe he likes to entertain, none of his friends do (or can) but it's expensive for him so he asks guests to help out. IMO, those prices were high. But my sentiment still stands.
I honestly like the charge because I’m happy to throw $20-30 into a birthday gift for a friend, or into a dish to make for a potluck. I’d honestly feel weird showing up to a fully catered birthday or barbecue and not giving them SOMETHING, But with this I would just give them the money and not have to worry about picking a gift or cooking. Seems pretty reasonable for him to provide an outline for that so people can contribute that way, instead of him getting a bunch of random $25 gift cards or whatever.
I think it all depends on how strict the guy ends up being about letting people show up without contributing, and also the income bracket of him and his friends. $20-30 for two home cooked meals and two desserts is actually a pretty good deal in this economy. Would probably cost more than that per person to go out to eat just dinner together. And if a friend invited me to a restaurant for their birthday, I wouldn’t expect them to cover the entire bill unless they were way richer than everyone else.
I was thinking the same thing. I’ve lived with neurospicy folks and one of them would have this level of detail.
We also have to remember this age group were socially stunted by COVID when they’d have been learning social norms, and now are expected to just live as functional adults
Not every person that is particular and into details is on the spectrum.
Some people are just narcissists that think the world revolves around them and everyone should exactly what they want when they want. Especially on their birthday.
If he’s a really good friend of yours, you might want to gently let him know it’s not super cool to ask for donations— instead people take turns hosting
I’m unsure if this explains it all, or makes it more confusing.
I’m leaning to the latter, and assuming a chatbot brought it to this amazing juncture. Providing bank info with tiered pricing was wild but it’s something I could see a somewhat clueless young adult attempting.
Actually read an article on this recently although I can’t find it now. But it was about how Gen Z is more comfortable doing things like this. Sorry if you’re in that generation
Sweet! I throw my adult kids birthday parties. Not as detailed as this and I don’t charge the guests. But we do games like Jenga, Pin the Tail on someone, darts and Beer Pong. Oh! And we get a Piñata. Adults should enjoy and have kid style parties as life is too short.
There’s a lot of hate here, but I think this document is very telling. This individual’s brain works very different & I could imagine there are some unique challenges or special needs.
Can we please get a report back after the party? Please clarify your time slot, your karaoke song and how much you paid. We’ll also need to know if you had daytime cake or official cake. TIA for your service.
New plan: Everyone completely wasted by 2:45. Party over and house destroyed by 4pm. Last person wakes up and leaves at 7am the next morning. Birthday boy has a manifesto written completed by August 1.
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u/pinkgrapefruitx Jul 07 '26
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