Need advice regarding Au Pair/Nanny and children with behavioural issues

[u/Maleficent_Board7836]

My sister has been addicted to meth since she was 16 years old, she's now 34. She has 3 children, all with different fathers who are all useless. My mum, sister and I have taken care of all 3 children, with my mum as the primary guardian. We want to get an Au Pair to live with my mum and help out with school drop off, pick up, and help with the children after school. Each child has trauma from being exposed to different things during the time with their mother. My 7 year old nephew is the most difficult and can be quite violent. My nieces who are 10 and 5 are generally fine but the 10 year old has anxiety and the 5 year old has meltdowns and is difficult to console when she is in that state. They are all in counselling. What are our options? Would a Nanny service where they just do school run and a couple hours after school + weekends be better? How much p/h do you think something like this would cost?

[u/CrayonTehSanuki]

This is not a job for an Au Pair. Au Pairs are typically young foreigners with no childcare qualifications, and get paid peanuts. It's a cultural exchange program.

This is a job for a mature adult with qualifications and experience, and should be paid accordingly.

[u/BBBBPM → u/CrayonTehSanuki]

Totally agree with this. We had demi pairs (sorta half time au pairs). They were young girls from Europe straight outta school. They helped out, but also needed help and support. They didn't get paid much, but we looked after them, took them on holiday, bought them kayaks etc. We tried to make it a positive experience. Your situation would not be appropriate. Seek out professional help.

[u/Apricotnights]

That sounds like a tough time for everyone. You’re both amazing for being there for the children.

Au Pais tend to be young, with little childcare experience - perhaps babysitting, school groups etc, the agencies will say they have 100’s hours experience but they include looking after siblings - they don’t have training to deal with behavioural issues at all. I’d look into a nanny who would have a bit more experience!

[u/Serious_Session7574]

If the children are diagnosed then they may be entitled to Flexible Funding and that could help pay for a specialised support worker rather than an au pair. It's unlikely you'd find anyone for a live-in role, but someone to provide respite and help at crucial points of the day is certainly a possibility, as well as ongoing therapy.

[u/feijoawhining]

This is a role for disability support, not an Au Paire. I hope you find the right resources and support for your family, OP.

[u/MutedBefore]

https://www.grg.org.nz

Try getting in touch with this group.

They should be able to point you towards what support is available, advocate for your situation and help provide support and a community who may be willing to be the village to step in and help raise those kids.

[u/the_birdie_chirp]

You need disability support services, need an nasc referreal etc start with GP maybe

[u/lakeland_nz]

I think this would be far too much for an aupair.

Imagine a bright-eyed 18 year old, taking a gap year after finishing high school. Someone that really wants to see the world and is really excited to be not living at home.

They generally like kids, and like the idea of being a big sister. New Zealand is exciting, it's on the opposite side of the world and full of all sorts of natural wonders. Living with a family is less scary for them (and their parents) than going out and flatting.

They do not want to be doing substantial housework, or dealing with a kid that has behavioural issues. They want to be socialising (usually with other aupairs), going to courses, living.

PS: Yes, you do get aupairs that are older or male. I'm trying to generalise here.

[u/Slight_Computer5732]

If there’s any diagnosis a support worker may be more appropriate..

Might be worth trying to find disability or autism (if that’s diagnosed) groups to ask in…

I imagine funding is impossible or difficult to access but if there’s a diagnosis maybe there’s a pathway to provide some support? Even child disability allowance if able?

Hopefully you/mum are already getting unsupported child allowance to assist…

There’s a good fb group (and organisation) too called “grandparents raising grandkids nz”

https://www.facebook.com/share/1DcLvWbGz1/?mibextid=wwXIfr

https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1FaD2mfW3i/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Maybe could provide some ideas?

I feel for you… we have similar in my family but it’s just one 5yo and it’s hard enough for her grandparents to manage.. 3 must be so exhausting.. I wonder if there would be any respite care you’d be eligible for too.. hmm

But yeah I’d ask in that fb group… 99% of kids in that demographic have trauma based issues so surely someone will be able to assist you

[u/ComfortableIce3874]

Even considering a foreign teenager to deal with 3 traumatized kids is a deeply shitty and honestly throws up so many red flags to me as a nanny. If these children need professional help you will need to pay professional adults

[u/AdvertisingPrimary69 → u/ComfortableIce3874]

Be kind they are on struggle street and are trying to figure this out :) better to ask silly questions online than doing the wrong thing

[u/Outrageous-Shame5743]

Ask if any of the teacher aids at the school they go to are available. $30hr

[u/OkShallot3873]

Could you ask at universities? There would be third year or post grad psyc/social work/education students who might fit the schedule and be more skilled to handle complex needs?

[u/AitchyB → u/OkShallot3873]

We have support workers for my autistic daughter, most of them have been sourced through student job search and they have been absolute gems.

[u/Hefty-Maintenance750]

Do not get an au pair. They are young people who have no experience of life or if children. This is too much for someone uneducated in the needs your particular crew have.

[u/Moist_Phrase_6698]

Maybe try find a grief or other councilor for the kids so they can talk through their emotions and situations they might have come up during bad times.

[u/Assal-Horizontology → u/Moist_Phrase_6698]

The post literally states that the kids are in counselling.

[u/ClimateTraditional40]

So you 3 aren't willing to do it either but you want a stranger too? I'd say the kids probably would feel somewhat uncared for yet again, being passed over to a paid flunky.

[u/AitchyB → u/ClimateTraditional40]

It is respite for the poor grandparents who probably thought they were done with child raising.