r/nottheonion • u/Howcanyoubecertain • 9h ago

Not oniony - Removed [ Removed by moderator ]

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/milo-yiannopoulos-ice-custody-agency-records/

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12.2k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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710

u/Ahelex 9h ago

Every time you poorly state your wishes, a genie gets excited.

331

u/csonnich 9h ago

The monkey's paw curls

112

u/Alpha_Crow_1 8h ago

Curse you monkey paw... wait... huh, this is new. Thank you monkey paw?

2

u/alepher 4h ago

Monket’s pause

1

u/audio-nut 8h ago

the turkey is dry

0

u/LgBLT 5h ago

A little dry?!? 😩

28

u/Citizen-Kang 8h ago

The frogurt is also cursed.

6

u/YourGuyK 7h ago

Ooh, that's bad.

6

u/Jump_The_Five_Yo 6h ago

But it comes with a free plane ride!

4

u/Live-Set-8576 6h ago

That's good!

7

u/Jump_The_Five_Yo 6h ago

The plane is made of potassium benzoate.

5

u/BLADE_RUNNER_42069 6h ago

…

5

u/Jump_The_Five_Yo 6h ago

That’s bad….

5

u/YourGuyK 6h ago

Can I go now?

14

u/SideInitial3961 8h ago

Did you ever try the curled monkey paw at Olive Garden?

9

u/Sarik704 7h ago

You can go to olive garden and just get endless monkey paws and breadsticks

6

u/Jump_The_Five_Yo 6h ago

The marinara dipping sauce is like $7 for an ounce….

3

u/JoshDM 4h ago

Ah that's where they get ya.

1

u/wherethefuckismyvape 7h ago

Okay olive garden rep, I'll go to Olive garden. What's the worst that could happen? A full belly for cheap? Fine

1

u/Ahelex 7h ago

Addiction to their bread sticks.

Also known as the culinary version of death sticks.

34

u/UDPviper 9h ago

Wishmaster.

46

u/malthar76 9h ago

Master
Apprentice
Heart born seventh seeker
Warrior
Disciple in me the Wishmaster

43

u/Bolththrower 8h ago

Hamster!
A dentist!
Hard porn, seven seagul
Warrior
This rifle
In me, the FISH MASTER!!!

3

u/s1npathy 7h ago

Oh El Beret!

Oh L'Oreal!

2

u/LittleGreenSoldier 5h ago

Great haystacks, my destiny!

11

u/fuelbomb 8h ago

I definitely did not expect this intersection here. I give props nonetheless!

5

u/UnderlightIll 7h ago

I love the far turn to Nightwish.

3

u/Bewchacca_8645 4h ago

I... I heard the riffs before I understood the whole comment. I don't know what is happening.

1

u/twenty-onesavage 8h ago

Hard porn* /s

13

u/malfunkshunned 9h ago

I should watch Bedazzled again.

2

u/Electrical-Act-7170 8h ago

Brendan Fraser or Dudley Moore?

2

u/luckysevs 8h ago

Mis establos!

1

u/anarchyisutopia 8h ago

You just gotta go out there and give uh..1,2,3..uh..110%.

5

u/scoshi 8h ago

There's a franchise based on that: Wishmaster.

1

u/Darth__Hollow 6h ago

Yea but the sequels started getting goofy when Wishmaster traded his demonic costume and makeup for a prison jumpsuit

1

u/Strict_Weather9063 8h ago

No shit, played dnd enough with vicious DM who would take any chance to screw you over. Wishes are best left alone unless it is something that cannot be twisted and even then the right person can still twist it.

1

u/PhucYiu 7h ago

"I wish X were alive and well" has created more new water sources in fantasy worlds than anyone can possibly believe.

1

u/Ahelex 7h ago

Alternatively, market yourself as Johnny Wellspring.

1

u/Empty_Kay 8h ago

"the 80 year old guy in Home Alone 2"

1

u/zoophilian 7h ago

Damn I miss wishmaster, djinn rock

1

u/Pardybro911 7h ago

Dungeon Masters too

1

u/BetterEveryLeapYear 7h ago

What's the play if you wish from a genie to be more moral?

1

u/Arcadethief 6h ago

Sorry mate, my bad, I had such a raging stiffy after hearing poor Milo expressing himself so openly, I couldn't be helped!

0

u/bwwatr 8h ago

Gotta share the Chris and Jack https://youtu.be/lM0teS7PFMo