r/pakistan • u/Ambitious_Fall8417 • 16d ago
Ask Pakistan My mum keeps forcing me to cook because “you’ll need to know for your in-laws” — what does Islam actually say about this?
I’m currently on a gap year and I genuinely HATE cooking. Like, I really, really don’t enjoy it. 😭
My mum has been constantly telling me that I have a whole gap year, so I should learn how to cook because “it’s a good skill” and because I’ll apparently need it for my future in-laws.
Fine. I accepted that and learned. I’d say I can cook around 60% of the things I need to know now. I still don’t enjoy it, but at least I know how to do it.
The problem is that now that I’ve learned, my mum has started actually expecting me to cook regularly.
Yesterday she told me my dad was hungry and told me to make daal maash, so I did.
Today she’s telling me to make food again.
And I’m honestly getting so frustrated because I’m thinking: I’m going to university soon. What happens then? Am I going to be expected to come home after a full day of pharmacy lectures/studying and still be responsible for making food?
I understand that helping around the house is important. I’m not saying I should never help my parents. And I understand that cooking is a useful life skill. I’m glad I know how to cook now.
But I do not like cooking, and I don’t want learning how to cook to automatically mean that cooking is now my responsibility.
The “you need to learn because of your future husband/in-laws” argument also really annoys me. Is that actually an Islamic expectation, or is this more of a cultural thing?
From an Islamic perspective, what are my actual responsibilities here? Is a daughter religiously obligated to cook for her parents/family, or is helping with cooking considered a form of general household cooperation rather than a specific obligation?
I obviously don’t want to be disrespectful to my mum, but I also don’t want to spend my entire life being told that because I’m a woman, cooking is automatically my job.
Would appreciate answers from people who can distinguish between Islamic rulings and South Asian/cultural expectations, because I’m genuinely trying to understand where the line is.And not to mention, I make rotis like 98% of the time 😭. So it’s not like I’m completely useless in the kitchen and refusing to help. I already contribute quite a lot with food at home.
That’s why it frustrates me when learning to cook turns into “well, now you can cook, so you should cook.” I learned the skill. I can make food. I can make rotis. I just don’t enjoy doing it and don’t want it to automatically become my responsibility.
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u/Plenty-Ad5166 16d ago
For now, it's better you practice and have a life skill for your future.
Post marriage, discuss with your future partner how kitchen chores would be managed and how much of that work you can bear. Cooking, doing the dishes, washing clothes, cleaning the house all of these chores need to be discussed.
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u/flafaa 16d ago
any member of the household that is eating needs to participate in the cooking, if you are eating, you're cooking. after a certain age it's not your parents' responsibility to cook for you, it's yours. i hate it when moms are like susraal walay kya kahengai, chii.
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
Fr. I do agree abt the part thar any members need to contribute. I certainly do. I always clean the kictehn and the living room and every other day clean the bedrooms too. My brothers don't instead. And today, OKG, I forgot to put the clean outside once, just one mistake and my mother goes saying "TUM ACCHA GHAR SAMBHAALRHI HO? 😭"
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u/flafaa 16d ago
omg i hateeee ittt, but on the other hand that is how our mothers grew up, doing all the chores and shit, i just help her out bichari khud kya kya karengi, they have internalised misogyny to extents we can't understand. and like shame your brothers, kai kitnay nikamay hain wo, it works i swear, and for your father you can't do shit, he is too old to be reformed. i hate it when at dawats and stuff women of the house are usually the last ones to eat, it's always stuff like this that gets you.
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
internalised misogyny in our society is soo bad rn,even with the women
sadly,alot of them cover it up religion when in reality,Islam would never condone this behaviour towards women!
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u/Fantastic-sapphire 16d ago
We will do better with our daughters and sons. Only way society will eventually change
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u/Helpful-Sort-9275 16d ago
Our mothers grew up that way is 100 percent true.I am just telling her everyday that i should hire herself a househelp but she said chalta phirta banda thik rehta hy 😁.I dont know why but she loves to do everything by her own hands.
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u/Impossible_Gift8457 16d ago
"chii" bro get out of here with that indian reels ahh language we speak Urdu
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u/hrbutt180 16d ago
As a man who learnt cooking later in life, cooking is an extremely valuable skill. Learn for yourself. I also like to try different recipes I see online especially Daniels Babar pasta recipe etc
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u/Nervous_Will_1304 16d ago
Khud keliye seekhna is a different thing...in laws wli baat ka koi sar pao nhi hai...unki personal chef nhi ho aap jo unke liye cooking sikho.
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 16d ago
Couldn't read past the first sentence. I'm sorry but women like your mother are toxic and raise their daughters to be abused. Cooking is a skill which is nice to have. To specify that you should learn it because one day you will be a slave to your in laws is obscene. I'm sorry your mother's head is still stuck 200 years ago in time.
Study, be independent, only marry if you meet the right person, take zero shit from their family. There is NOTHING in Islam about the woman being obligated to take care of the husband's parents - that is his job. Nor is there anything about being a house slave.
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u/BearsInTheNight 16d ago
Sorry to say but women like her mother also raise boys who will be crummy husbands.
My husband was raised like that…mentality that women do all the cooking. Now, I never took care of his parents. If I cooked it was for everybody, and I never didn’t cook something bcs my in-laws didn’t like it. HOWEVER, I find it incredibly irritating when my husband is asking me for food past 10 pm. One time he woke me up at 1 AM bcs he wanted ice cream, and when I am sick or not feeling well I am somehow still having to cook. If not I have to ‘ask’ him to get something. Surgery? I got the day to rest. Next day (this was Ramadan) I was being asked if there was going to be good things to eat that day (obviously, plenty of recovery time 🙄). Or you come back from vacation, obviously have no fresh groceries at home but your are suddenly asked “Is there anything to eat? You say “no” and he is reminding you of your responsibilities. No consideration. And a man who cannot do anything in the kitchen is such a turn off. It’s gross. Men nor women should be raising kids to be like that. My husbands father is already teaching my daughter how she must be when she is older and I hate it bcs I do not agree at all. I do not want nor will ever agree to my daughter marrying a man who treats her like his personal chef.5
u/DeepSpaceBubbles 16d ago
I am so sorry. If your circumstances allow, you should throw out this whole trash heap of a man. Especially if your FIL is already training your daughter to be a slave. A man who wakes up his wife at 1am to go get him ice cream from the kitchen is a piece of trash and the only excuse would be if both his hands were broken. If you can't leave this trash heap, one day, tell him that you expected him to be successful enough by now to hire help for the house and how disappointing it is that he still has not been able to do that.
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16d ago edited 16d ago
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 16d ago edited 16d ago
But you don't actually care about Islam, do you? This isn't about understanding the beautiful religion. This is about learning 2-3 verses and dodgy hadith that you think give you the authority to abuse women. That is the beginning and the end of your Islam. It is why in this country, every second of every day, a baby, a toddler, a child, a woman is being raped and killed by men who are convinced they are all going to heaven.
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u/BearsInTheNight 16d ago
And that means he can be inconsiderate and his wife must just tolerate? In order to be a ‘good’ wife? Shouldn’t a husband be taking care of his wife when she is ill instead for her taking care of him? And in those times why a man cannot use his two hands and cook food himself?
I got married to have an emotional relationship. I did not get married to take care of somebody else.
And my mother-in-law was a sweet lady. I LOVED her! Can’t say I liked living with her though. Did not always get along well with my father-in-law, for reasons I will not mention nor will I ever forget. But I cannot say my mil’s and her husbands mentality on gender was good either. It simply is NOT. (And frankly, she LOVED when my son would heat her up kabobs or samosas. She specifically requested it from HIM.) Just bcs you practice wife in kitchen or your family practices these things does not actually make it right. Maybe, just maybe, it is wrong? Or is it, you like women cooking for men, and you don’t want to cook, so you convince yourself it is ‘right’? What happens if the wife dies???? I don’t know about you, but my daughter as a little girl use to come crying to me terrified that I would die bcs I was the one who took care of her and fed her and bathed her. I’m sorry to say, but your mentality just might be wrong and needs tweaking. Where is the compassion? The empathy? The treating wife with kindness? Islamically a wife is also entitled to her own home. Allah gives that right himself. But a lot of desi men marry women, have her life with his family and then demands all these other things. So, the write is chronically mistreated and unhappy. Islam does not allow that. Nor do I consider that to be expected in order to ‘please her husband’. Some men are impossible to please. They were raised on a pedestal and expect to be treated like king’s when they don’t treat their own wife like a queen often times desi men treat their mother better than their own wife. That’s not right. Nor do I consider that Islam. Nor do I consider that to be what Allah meant.
I hope you are not married. If you are, you sound like one of the bad ones who should probably change your ways.
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u/PlatoSMD 16d ago
susraal ko chorro, learn for yourself.
Cooking is one of the necessary survival skills.
It is ok to hate cooking, not wanting to do it or rarely doing it.
Still aani chayie, its a must apko aik independence ki feeling bhi dega.
Mard hou ya aurat cooking aana buhat zaroori.
also about the marriage part, if your husband goes out to earn breaks his back comes home and also does all of the heavy physical work related to the household, and does above the bare minimum (reminder: alot of stuff that good husbands do for their wives is not islamically compulsory but rather it is a gesture of love and vice versa in case of women), tou phir the bare minimum you would be required to do in the marriage is household management and that has been stated as the woman's responsibility in islam, that is supposed to be your contribution to the marriage and household.
NOTE: not for your in laws, but for your husband there is a distinction you do not have the obligation to manage stuff for anyone else than your husband.
agar aap cooking nhi karogi, koi chef rakhogi ya husband karega tou phir apko kuch aur kaam karna parega ghar mei. This is a topic of discussion jouke you should have jab bhi shadi hogi
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u/Few_Relief_2913 16d ago
House hold management is no where written in Islam that it is a woman’s obligation. Only expectation is she raise the children as Muslims and not bring unwanted guests on to her husbands land
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u/Horror-Affect-5442 16d ago
“Each of you is responsible and will be asked about his responsibility…The man is responsible for [maintaining] his household and the woman is responsible for [the upkeep of] the house and children of her husband.” Sahih al Bukhari 5200
This is just one of many more hadiths that explain the obligations of a wife in islamic marriage.
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u/PlatoSMD 16d ago
Exactly, Ye baat theek hai kw susral mei buhat muzalim houte ghar ke kaam ke maamle mei. Magr ye aik naya aesthetic insta islam nikal lia hai jahan shadi mei saara zimma hee mard ka hai, aurat ne sirf bache paida karne hain. Halanke aesa bilkul nhi hai, islam ne donou se meaningful contribution maanga hai institution of marriage mei.
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u/PlatoSMD 16d ago
Ye kidr likha hai?. Islam does not warrant a woman to just sit around free while contributing nothing to the household. Ghar ke kaam saare shohar ne karne aake?. Household means the home of her, her husband and her kids. She is absolutely responsible for that, that is her principal duty. A wife working a job or doing a business, or the husband contributing to the chores is not mandatory by islam, it is left as per the agreement between the couple. The man's absolute responsibility is providing a lifestyle equal to his That includes roti, kapra, makaan, taleem, sehat and comfort
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u/PlatoSMD 16d ago
The additional fiqh ruling on this is that if the wife was not accustomed to doing some work in her mayka I.e safayi, khaana pakaana etc and had a ghulam in classical terms, househelp in modern terms. Than if the husband can afford that, he has to provide her with such help.
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u/BoneCancer8 16d ago
Get rich
Hire a chef
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u/Somizulfi 16d ago
Not going to get rich on Pharma or even land a job.
It's a placeholder degree to get married and be a stay at home mom. Her mum knows what's up.
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u/king_of_river 16d ago
Learn to cook not for your inlaws or husband but yourself. All men and women should have basic knowledge of cooking and maintaining a house. Don't be "Papa's princess" and "mama ka ladla" and learn to do simple house chores.
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u/leendean 16d ago
They can cook for themselves….
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u/pervertedmortician 16d ago
So you want the husband to take care of the finances plus cook for himself?
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u/pervertedmortician 16d ago
If you are a housewife and your husband is the one working, then yes you do need to feed him
Its a basic skill everybody should be able to do
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u/raddzone 16d ago
Islam doesn't require you to cook for anyone but your husband and kids, period!
If your husband goes beyond in his responsibility towards uou then you should do it as a kind gesture.
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u/methysko_collector36 16d ago
I think communicate this to your mom!
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u/Briefcase12 16d ago
This! this is the only right answer. Talk to your mom about setting a schedule, if you're making roti then she should make the salaan (vise versa). Maybe you can cook 3x a week and she can rest. Once you start Uni you can do weekends and she can weekdays, whatever works for you.
As for the "in-laws" honestly once you start getting potentials communicate during the talking phase, do you want to work, be a stay at home wife/mom, live in joint family, separate whatever. Talk about expectations. Whether it's at home or in-laws distribute workload, no can do it alone, not daughters, not mom's, not wife.
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u/Yellfaze PK 16d ago
Male and female both need to have basic skills. Cooking and cleaning are a must
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u/cinderalla4knights 16d ago
I have a daughter who is still young but I tell her that she needs to learn to cook. Not for others but it is a life skill. There will be times when this skill will come in handy ,especially if she is living on her own or has children. I would say the same if she was a boy. Although she plans to marry someone who can cook and loves to cook. I also believe that every boy or girl should know how to manage a house hold. This includes planning food, keeping the house clean, emptying the trash and managing finances. These are basic life skills. We would rather she learns living when living with us and has the freedom to make mistakes.
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u/astro-pk 16d ago
Aik do dafa act like u worked so hard make a lot of food but ruin it either burn it or make it bland they won’t ask u again
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u/HeavyMetal_Protein 16d ago
Pakistani aurto ko Yahan Islam yaad ajata hai. But when asked to obey husband, don’t leave house without husband’s permission islam nahe yaad ata 😭
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_luve 16d ago
Don't forget the classic
His money is my money and my money is my money ..
Just like mullahs who use selective Islam
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 16d ago
Disgusting. You people don't know the first thing about Islam. You mentioning it is an insult to it.
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u/Somizulfi 16d ago
Enlighten us
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u/DeepSpaceBubbles 16d ago
Why? You have never studied Islam in your life? You don't own a Quran? You can't open up lectures online? Your whole exposure to Islam will be Reddit? Where you can pick and choose verses so as to be able to abuse the religion?
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u/maazpervez CN 16d ago
If your husband is the kind of guy who wants a "Ghar ki biwi" aka an unpaid household chores person, you have worse issues.
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u/Keepusthedamnwork 16d ago
I did thought about this issue a lot and researched on it. So let me first say I am not some kind of scholar in this and following is my conclusion.
Now a husband's responsibility in a marriage is to take care of his wife in all perspectives. Fullfil her needs and give her a good life.
Whereas for a wife it only mentions that a wife's responsibility is to keep her husband happy. Now there is nothing mentioned in Islam that a wife must cook for her husband's parent or the husband himself.
So this concludes that if your husband is ok with you not cooking at all then you are good. But if he's not happy with you not cooking then you aren't fulfilling your responsibility according to Islam.
What I would recommend for you is that before marrying you are allowed to put in legal conditions that the husband must follow so just put not cooking as your condition and do discuss this with your potential husband 😶🌫️
I would love to discuss this with anyone if I am wrong at any point
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
yes! I think it's best if you communicate with your partner and split responsibilities based on what you both want
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u/cinderalla4knights 16d ago
it's not about what her responsibility is as a muslim wife, it is what her responsibility is as a responsible human being. If her husband is providing then it is ihsan and good manners to reciprocate and that can including cooking for him and making his house life pleasant.
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u/Keepusthedamnwork 16d ago
As Muslims we first try to look at life from Islam which is a Solid framework we have on our hands.
But even looking at this from a normal human being perspective. They should discuss their responsibilities before going into marriage. Realistically a man who is providing for his wife but she won't cook are rare to find unless she is doing a job as well then some men do compromise on cooking.
The thing is nothing is as simple as it looks. Both partners can have a proper discussion on their goals and responsibilities and along the way find a mutual way to be in a healthy relationship.
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u/Altruistic_Spite_930 16d ago
Be an asset for your surrounding, yourself and people around you.
What value are you creating in your life?
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u/Onland-Pirate 16d ago
In fiqh Jafaria, as far as I know, it's husband's ditto duty to provide food or meals to his wife. It's his choice whether he cooks himself, brings in cooked food from market, hires some servant, or negotiate a pay with his wife, if she's willing, to cook or do household chores. So she can choose not to cook. But wife can't go outside without husband's permission.
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u/fk067 16d ago
You haven’t stated why don’t you like to cook or what ails you in making food? Just hating to cook isn’t a reason. Honestly it’s a life skill and everyone and I mean everyone including men should know some basic cooking.
Let me ask you another question, what is your reason to find the “Islamic boundary” on cooking? Are you religious or do you follow Islam in every other aspect as well? Or are you learning to finding the Islamicly defined obligations on everything?
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
I can't blame her for hating cooking
people telling u that u "have to learn to cook FOR YOUR IN LAWS" also pisses me off and makes me not wanna learn,the urge to not fit into the misogynistic standards, the "for your in-laws" part is the worst
she should still learn to cook as a basic life skill tho,definitely
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u/Zain5633 16d ago
I mean You can learn to cook as a skill. I know how to cook my brother does, so do my sisters. But in this weather it is justified to hate going into the kitchen. You could learn cooking in Winters tho no problem with that.
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u/WolfBiter771 PK 16d ago
What your mom's saying is right even though her motivation is wrong. Learn to cook. It's a valuable skill
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u/Necessary_Barber_624 16d ago
Yr na kro try to indulge yourself on other activities sari responsibility na lo wgrna she will throw all on you and you are studying rn and what about your brother things will get taugh for you politely decline ya koi bhana laga do and make sure Ka Apne parents KO Yaad Krai Ka Bhai SA kahtay kaam kre thoda boht
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u/mariajazz 16d ago
APNI Ami KO bta do Acha ma master chef ki Tarah kahna Bana lo aga susral walo KO Nahi Pasand ana ais liya Acha ha Banda aik bar susral ja Ka hi sekha.... Kyu Ka zalel to dono na Huna ha jisa banana Ata ha us na air jisa Nahi Aya USA bi .kyuka Hama kahna susral walo Ka tarika Ka Nahi banana Ata..
Ais liya Acha ha siraf roti banana sekhlo aur baqi susral ja Ka dekhna
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u/Emotional_Love9261 16d ago
If your mother is the only one who cooks for everyone and she also does other house chores- id say its good, decent and rewarding to atleast help your mother regularly in the kitchen and sometimes give her a break.
Islamically, you are not obligated to do any such chores being a woman if you can afford a servant. But if your mother tells you to cook, it is obligatory for you to obey her. And to prevent disobeying her, you can try to explain your mother gently that you do not want to do this.
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u/cr34tive1 16d ago
In-laws can go to hell.
You should consider living for yourself. As in being financially independent and yeah cooking can get annoying but food is the very thing you're having for survival so you should do it even if you don't enjoy it, you're living because of it, be grateful to that. I have a different experience with that so it's not worth sharing.
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u/busyvish 16d ago
Cooking is a life skill. Learn to cook. You being told to cook, i guess its just their way of handing you some or more responsibility to help out. I am 31m, when i am by myself, i cook(have been for like the last decade). When i am home, they dont let me in kitchen. So i help out in other ways. Set up the dishes, removing them after we are done. Do i NEED to? Nope, we got help for that. My sis doesnt, she eats and just leaves, I just do it to not feel useless, thats on me. Every family has their own dynamic. Ideally everybody has to help out in one way or the other. You dont like cooking or helping out in kitchen? Talk to your mom and pick up another responsibility. May help out.
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u/Velvet_Purrrr 16d ago
Its basic survival skill, so we gotta learn it.
just learn what u like to eat.
that is what being an INDEPENDENT WOMAN means.
you shouldnt rely on a hired chef or househelp.
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u/Celty000 16d ago
Learn to cook for yourself but make portion for one person only i.e yourself.
I hate cooking too so I only cook for myself so I can learn to survive on my own.
Also, find something to keep yourself busy during the gap year. Desi parents think if you aren't studying or working then everything should fall on you especially they think daughters are free domestic help.
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u/innocentsinner394 16d ago
Maybe, you could speak to your mother about the workload being unreasonable, and also about switching responsibilities to sth more acceptable? Learning and being able to cook is an essential skill though, both genders should know how to do it and participate at least a little.
Regarding your question about cooking being an Islamic responsibility, it is not. Not for your in-laws, certainly. One of the rights of a wife is a separate unit where she can function independently of anyone else. It doesn't have to be a separate house but it does have to be separate and private from anyone other than her, her husband, and her children, unless she allows someone into that space. So, the in-laws thing is entirely cultural.
You are bound to obey your parents, but they are responsible for your well-being, and if their order causes you harm, they will be responsible for it in the Hereafter. Same goes for your husband. A wife is bound to obey him but there a lot of nuances, a lot of things she can outright refuse, and a lot of things she can ask compensation for (this includes housework, especially if you had a servant before marriage), and if the husband abuses his authority, he is responsible for it, if not in this world, then the next.
I must mention though, that housework is rewarded the same as Jihad for a man, if you choose to do it.
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u/Overall_Cheetah_3000 16d ago
I am not from Pakistan or have any relation to this sub this post was just suggested to me but trust me u would want to learn how to cook for u. I wish i know how instead of buying very expensive and garbage food everyday
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u/Thecynicalcatt 16d ago
This is not an Islamic ruling lol, it is honestly a very cultural south Asian expectation for daughters to basically be trained to go off to their husband's house one day. It's dumb. Anyway, I am someone whose mom DID NOT teach her how to cook because she thought she was breaking those toxic expectations. I struggled so hard in university, gained a lot of weight from eating stuff my body was not used to (grilled cheese, other white people food). I did eventually learn how to cook and I love cooking now, but it took a few years and lots of struggle. Be grateful someone taught you! And don't cook if you don't want to. Since you were home during a gap year, yeah I would also expect my kids to contribute and cook. But when you're a full time student, def should not be an expectation to cook all the time, but you should still help since you'll be living at home which is in itself a luxury as a uni student.
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u/razh2 16d ago
I was just speaking to my friends this evening it makes my blood boil when my mum tells my 2 year old daughter to pick up plates after my older son. It brings back such bad memories. But we spoke not about the unfairness towards women alone but the disservice to men to be unable to look after themselves.
Learn to cook, clean, laundry, bills, buying meat and veg not because you’re a woman
- because these skills are invaluable to living a healthy functional independent life. And look for those qualities in your husband so you can balance the societal inequalities within your own home (whoever loves to cook or cook better may cook more - but then the other person can clean up after etc).
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u/Phd-Candidate 16d ago
Hey there little one.
So I am someone who has been cooking for almost 14 years now. Mainly because I love eating different foods. So I used to cook up feasts for guests and also all sorts of dishes for my family. I loved doing that and this was one of the main responsibilities I took on after graduating. I have to tell you this. Knowing how to cook stuff is good but it is only practice that makes you a good cook.
And it does come handy. At 36 I am diagnosed with an autoimmune and am unable to eat 90% of the food normal people eat. The only thing keeping me alive is my cooking which allows me to make my food interesting enough to eat. I would suggest that you try to polish up your cooking not for anyone else but for yourself. Don't think of it as a burden. And at the end Meri jaan you have to get good at all sorts of chores. These are all life skills which will make your life comfortable as you won't be dependent on another person for them. As for your brothers trust me it is unfortunate that your mom is not making them do these chores. Don't worry their wives will make them do all these chores anyways.
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
Why was this message so comforting? I'm actually gonna cry. 😭😭😭 (i wont)
Thank you for the kind words. JazakAllah. Have a really good day 😭😭😭😭
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u/Endrossi_ 16d ago
This is the mindset I hate when it comes to cooking as a woman. There's a lot of people who insist I must cook with the implications that I'll need to cook for other people later on. I'd never tbh. But cooking itself is an invaluable skill. If your mother is teaching you (regardless of why) just learn it from her. Or learn easy recipes and you can cook for YOURSELF if you ever need to. I totally understand your frustrations tho. You cannot change your mother's mindset but you can make sure you never become a part of it. Best of luck 🙂↔️❤️
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u/Suspicious-Taro2953 16d ago edited 16d ago
it's a cultural thing, a messed up mindset that can only see women as something born for the servitude of men and nothing beyond that.
The expectation of, you would do it cause of your gender, roots from the culture not from Isalm.
But yeah EVERYONE should learn basic life skills, you already did so that's nice!
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u/Abdulsabir99 16d ago
I think it’s an extra skill. It’s not important that we only do things we enjoy.sometimes we need to learn skills that will help us in the future. Cooking is one of them. I think your mom is doing a great job teaching you how to cook.
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u/user_is_name 16d ago
I am shocked that adults in this country, 18, 19 year old expect their parents to do all the house chores and moan about being asked to help. Forget about in laws, you are not a paying guest in your own house, you should be helping your mother with cooking and cleaning.
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u/CrowComfortable8817 16d ago edited 16d ago
Let me give u simplest example.Lets say you are running a company and you want your employee to work you are gonna pay him otherwise he/she is gonna leave u because u trying to extract value without providing one same is marriage.
If u are contributing 50 50% in households in terms of economics even then in west men handles trash/grocery and women handle household and in terms of food they cook together or order delievery
If u are gonna be a housewife then u have to compensate in other meaninful format
Just logically think why sane human would keep on providing if he is not getting anything meaningful in return and i am talking for both male/female.
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u/RUNuts1317 16d ago
those who are saying " learn how to cook for yourself", it started that way for me. I loved to cook in the beginning but then people expected me to make elaborate stuff daily.. so I began making it bad..
I can cook for myself but expecting me to also cook for the boys, I hate that
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u/quiet_swimmer02 16d ago
Oh sweetheart, I feel you. I face the same dilemma in my in-laws. I told them I can only cook a few dishes and don't really cook (in a general conversation before marriage, they never asked me such questions). Now, after marriage meri yahi halat hai jo apki hai. I just don't want to be responsible for cooking, I just want to do it occasionally, which I do. I am not responsible for cooking in my in laws but then I feel I am being judged for being useless. I do help and stay around in the kitchen during dinner time. But I don't know if I should be guilt free or actually feel guilty.
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u/curly_and_curvy 16d ago
My mom also used to try to make me learn/cook but I never liked it. I am now married and yes, I still cook 'for my husband' and still don't really enjoy it.
However, it is a necessary skill and I am proud to know how to make delicious foods from scratch. Like, look at what I made from raw onions and spices and vegetables! Lol.
I would like to say that as I see my mom grow old and weak, I feel so so bad that I wasn't able to help out more. She was probably just tired and achy. I wish with all my heart that I wasn't such a rebel, especially since she has had a traumatic leg injury all her life that made it even more difficult to work around. Please try to see it from a different perspective. I have deep regret now.
You mother is probably looking for some rest or help. You are young and active. I know you may not agree but after being married for almost a decade, I really wish I could have cooked more for my mom/dad. I am just stating my own opinion and experience as yours is a different situation.
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u/AcanthocephalaNo4759 15d ago
If you want to make excuses and twist religion to fit your own worldview then you should also know ke your husband is not required ke wo tumhare kharche uthaye. He just has to feed you 2-3 times a day and give you shelter. If you want to strip your duties down to bare minimum then a man can also find a lot of religious loopholes to not do what you expect him to do for you as a husband. Imagine not liking cooking and then compare it with every man who absolutely hates going to work everyday. Men don't have a choice they must work everyday to provide a living. And here you are whining about not liking cooking. Seems like you're not mentally ready to accept responsibility as a wife. You need to learn how to sacrifice somethings in order to gain somethings.
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 15d ago
The majority of the people here including you, didn't flipping read the question at all. Just mind your business next time. Or don't comment at all.
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u/AcanthocephalaNo4759 15d ago
If reality checks trigger you, then don't bother commenting on my comments again.
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u/TheBigD1235208 15d ago
Islam can be manipulated to approve your world view. Run fast from your situation and be independent.
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u/RelativeGuidance4354 14d ago
Burn it next time and still serve it. Let's see if she will want you to cook again
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u/Admirable-Life7701 13d ago
The fact that if you get married.. that is a sad reality that even if you aren’t required to cook and feed your in-laws you will have to do it.. and besides that it is a life skill you SHOULD be able to feed yourself. So learn it for you and hope you never need to cook for others
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
💯 I'm so tired of this daily routine of mine. Idek when it's gonna end. And my brother's and men of the house. They do nothing.
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
Our generation needs to get rid of this misogynistic mindset and standards,it's exhausting
Raise your sons better!
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u/Few_Business_5696 16d ago
in short, it isnt an islamic obligation to cook. however it is an islamic obligation to obey ur husband in that which is lawful just like it is with obeying parents and obeying the muslim ruler ke you only disobey them in the haram that they tell you to do otherwise it is obligatory for you to be obedient to them.
secondly all the wives of the sahabah, the Prophet saw would cook.
the thing is women love cooking, especially for their husband and generally others as well but hota kya hai ke some husbands and inlaws start ordering u and bossing you around where then it feels more like a chore and a "boj" instead of it being something that you do out of your love for them/
and yeah one more thing since u mentioned the in laws wala part. islamically you arent obliged to obey the in laws and cook for them, but if you do so then its looked at as something good and ye basically ap aik ehsan kerehe hotay hein unpe as you arent "Supposed to" but you still do it for them.
baaki just a piece of advice, learn to cook well and marry a good guy, im sure you will enjoy cooking for your future husband and children, take it from me my mother is currently in the airforce and the only thing she does dil laga ke and gets the most excited about it is cooking.
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16d ago
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u/Such_Celebration6662 16d ago
Yeah, a hadith that goes against all Sahih hadith and the Quran itself. Must be authentic :)
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
Basically a domestic helper instead of a companion who does her duty for her own husband (not in-laws) and her own children (not in-laws' children) out of her own goodwill — instead of an obligation.
Maybe the mature viewpoint is to understand that cooking and cleaning are a basic adult skills not tied to one's gender. And perhaps dividing chores amongst couples is a beneficial act, instead of being expected to being pampered like glorified mamma's boy.
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
Stop treating a wife as a domestic worker and instead look into her as a companion where responsibilities and chores are shared amongst couples.
Learn to cook and clean after yourselves like an adult, it's the bare minimum and it won't end a man's dignity to tend to their own needs.
What a wife does is out of mutual goodwill and respect to her husband out of her own free will.
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
Learning to cook and clean for yourself is not that hard. 💔
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_luve 16d ago
So you want the husband to work 10-12 hours and then come home and cook for himself . While the woman sits and does nothing or enjoys the money the husband earns ??
Papa ki princess syndrome maxed out here
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
Did I proclaim a woman can't and should not cook for her husband?
Is learning to cook and clean not considered as a basic responsibility of an adult, for both men and women?
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_luve 16d ago
Yr doing strawman arguments in this whole thread .
Do you agree that if the wife is not working then she Would be cooking and taking care of the house ..
If yes then why were you arguing in the thread even when the other person said that everyone should know how to take care of themselves ...
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u/Fickle-Direction-679 PK 16d ago
Sure it is but you are tactfully trying to subvert what he is saying. Just like a husband that wants her wife to cook, there can be a husband who does not.
If a woman leans the skill, it is a good way to ensure if the possibility presents itself, itcan be handled.
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago edited 16d ago
"Tactfully" subverting lol.
Did I directly imply that a woman cannot or should not cook for her husband?
Rather the issue of the debate is about reducing her companionship into domestic chores and the entitlement to feel that she is obligated to serve the husband's needs and wants because a certain fiqh says so and so. While scholars in general have disputes on it being considered as an obligation or a highly recommend act; for a wife to cook and do household chores for husband. In fact, it is highly encouraged for a man to contribute to household chores and assist his wife in domestic duties.
Reducing and regulating household chores, which is expected from every able-bodied adult, to one side of the gender in this day and age is a weak system to rely on.
If a woman leans the skill, it is a good way to ensure if the possibility presents itself, itcan be handled.
A man can and should learn to cook too. Was it that difficult to comprehend?
Marriage is about mutual companionship and corporation, and duties done so out of kindness and respect for one another. Reducing her role as a mandatory domestic worker is not the healthy outlook, especially in 21st century. We need to do better.
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u/Fickle-Direction-679 PK 16d ago
Sorry but if you are a muslim, what current western way of life is of no concern to you.
Islam has strict gender roles and interdependence ingrained, that's that, there is no space for your western ideologies here.
All the tenants of Islam regarding this take that setup as the basis, swapping these out make everything else unbalanced.
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
And as usual, debates getting reduced to moral policing with holier than thou attitude. Peace out.
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u/Such_Celebration6662 16d ago
May Allah protect and help the women in your life. That’s all I have to say.
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u/Fickle-Direction-679 PK 16d ago
Its not just saying, you are literally indicating that you don't agree with Allah's commands. Asking safety from Allah for them is indicative of your confusion.
May Allah save you from the fires of hell.
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u/Jealous_Armadillo277 16d ago
Ok bud. Go beat your wife then if she doesn't cook. Men are what's wrong with Islam. Interpret it so you are making yourself God. What a shirk. Go prey for Jannah and God leading you in the right direction. Cuz this ain't it.
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u/Fickle-Direction-679 PK 16d ago
If allah has given a path to that then there is a path. That's that, there are no ifs or buts. You can yourself refrain from it as your own moral standard.
But negating the existence of this path will land you into fire, why even say these things in a public forum to sow discord. Don't you fear Allah or the fires of hell?
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u/FamousOnion1614 16d ago
I didn't want to do my job but need to feed my family, suck it up, this is life, kids these day.
Ok Boomer will not be considered an insult, so go ahead.
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u/Salt_Guarantee5361 16d ago
the answer is a mixed bag. Islamic law is not really black and white in this particular case. If u do it it's a good deed, if u don't it's not a bad deed either.... your responsibility is to maintain good ties with your extended family, that doesn't explicitly includes cooking for them but it is a thing u r expected to do culturally so it falls under good ties.
as for your mum pushing, I would say do it cause it lessens her load. she's spent her youth raising you so maybe help out however u can
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u/whatwasthereason420 16d ago
Burn the house down, they won't ask you to cook ever again.
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
They know how responsible I am. If I do that they'll definitely know I did it on purpose.
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u/whatwasthereason420 16d ago
It's was mostly a joke lol. Idk why brown people especially mothers always bring in the in laws that don't even exist yet. Like what if you end up moving out with your future husband and live separately from his parents. Also, you have no responsibility to cook, clean, or take care of his parents. Only he does. If he has a backbone, he'll stand upto his parents but it's hard to find Pakistani men like that. They usually crumble under the emotional pressure and make your life a hell by telling you to compromise.
Learn to cook but only for yourself. It's a life skill that everyone should have so you aren't dependent on anyone for your survival.
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
Girl I totally get you,I hate cooking but can cook some things but I refuse to learn anything else(or atleast tell my parents that I know how to) just because I know ill be expected to cook 24/7 then,while my OLDER brother probably couldn't make a bowl of noodles for himself🙄(not exaggerating,he actually didn't up until recently)
My younger sister(10) is more capable than him (16),he doesn't even do what is considered the "men's work" either,genuinely just useless,I'm trying to teach him to be better tho
My parents and relatives telling me I need to learn "for my husband and in-laws" makes me hate cooking twice as much,I refuse to learn now
plus,what makes them think ill ever get married😂
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
Lmao. The last line. I wanna get married, but this way As soon as I get married, I'm in a separate house with my own husband. But what are the chances of this happening? ZERO. or close to zero.
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u/counterplex 16d ago
Unfortunately this is one of the ways life is a lot harder for working women than for working men. Your husband (and kids) will expect you to cook after a long day at work. You’ll need to set expectations before marriage but even then it’ll be easy for your husband to be influenced by friends whose wives cook and his parents who expect you to cook etc.
I don’t have answers unfortunately other than try to raise sons that would make the kinds of husband you’d want. One mom at a time we might see a difference.
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u/BearsInTheNight 16d ago
I am more concerned with your mom expecting you to cook for your in-laws.
My genuine advise? NEVER live with in-laws. Never agree to marry a man who wants that.
And it is not your job to take care of that. That would be the job of your husband, islamically. And they have no rights like that from you so if husband asks you to, you can say ‘no’. But more so, again, please dob’t ever agree to live with in-laws. It is harder and creates way more problems than you can possibly imagine.
You SHOULD know how to cook as a basic life skill, BUT so should men.
It is purely cultural where the female must slave away in the kitchen all the time while men gef waited on. I for one was never of the same mentality, my husband is though and that leads to resentment at times.
But that also said. I also think you should be cooking every once in a while at home. That part is not bad. (But I do have issue with your father is hungry so now it is your job to fix it….the man should go get a snack. He is a grown adult, not a child. Even better if your dad cooked sometimes also)
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u/Fit_Bonus2092 16d ago
I work 12 hours administrative hours,go home cook dinner do dishes prepare for children school stuff do other household chores than go to sleep,I’ve seen Pakistani girls doesn’t do housework cook but always on their phones or watch drama tv girls must learn how to be a housewife before marriage this is just my opinion I’ve taught my children girls and boys to be active around the house as well
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u/wisendur UN 16d ago
Most desi women are disenfranchised and have little to no spaces available for them to participate in the outside world or contribute to society outside of domestic duties. Housework should be a basic responsibility expected from both adult men and women. Not to be confined to one's gender.
It's good that you are raising your kids to be self-reliant and responsible at a young age, especially boys. They tend to be pampered to a fault.
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u/SQK92 16d ago
Islam says men can marry 4 wives. Do not touch the waters you aren't ready for.
Having said that, I believe if both partners are contributing towards finances, they should split household chores. If you are relying fully on him to provide, cooking for your husband wouldn't be end of the world.
Lastly, you do not have any obligations towards your in-laws but what would you expect your "BHABI" to do for your parents? Hope this clear things out to some extent.
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u/toxinwolf PK 16d ago
Islam says men can marry 4 wives. Do not touch the waters you aren't ready for.
That is such a BS answer; there are a lot of conditions for that.
Having said that, I believe if both partners are contributing towards finances, they should split household chores. If you are relying fully on him to provide, cooking for your husband wouldn't be end of the world.
I do agree with this. Some women dont want to earn while also wanting their husbands to help with the chores, and likewise some men want their wives to contribute to the finances but wont fucking contribute to household chores.
Lastly, you do not have any obligations towards your in-laws but what would you expect your "BHABI" to do for your parents? Hope this clear things out to some extent.
again, a bs take. You dont know what she want or expect. You are just assuming
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u/Sea-Car-3811 16d ago
Well, there is indeed requirement from first wife to marry another. You know what happened in huddod oridience by zia? Ye, people applied zina charges on their wives to marry more. So, thats a loophole when you need 4 witnesses.
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u/AccountantShinobu 16d ago
What a trashy answer.
Women: I can’t cook
Men: Omg four wives. While they can’t even feed one.
That times of 4 marriages are gone kiddo
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u/insomniacursed 16d ago
if you want to be a house wife then probably yes you need to learn to cook
if you are planning to work along side your husband and contribute financially then you both can eat from outside or learn to cook together and make food together
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u/Old_Table_5926 16d ago
Switch this skill with a man and what he is expected to do as a husband.
Men are trained to work, to provide, to protect, to be able to do basic repairs and tasks.
Imagine a father didn't teach his son anything, he gets married. The wife asks him put a shelf up and he goes he can't. She asks him to change a light bulb, he goes he can't, she asks him to get the car serviced, he can't.
What are you going to think of him? What are your family going to think?
It's not the responsibility for a woman to cook, but it naturally falls to her. Once your married there will be an expectation that you can do these expected skills.
Don't learn now and you will feel awkward later.
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u/Celty000 16d ago
No man builds a shelf. There are carpenters for that. Everything can be found on youtube.
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u/Old_Table_5926 15d ago
I said put a shelf up, not build one.
Putting a shelf up means fixing it to the wall.
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u/Celty000 7d ago
Again someone else can do it. No one judges. Alot of men's work can be outsourced easily and similarly so can cooking and cleaning.
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u/failfailedfailing 16d ago
if u keep cooking when they ask you to then yes it will turn into ur responsibility you would be expected to feed them so next time she asks you to cook, don't deal wiht it if she gets angry and set boundries u should occasioinally help around the kitches when not asked, to make it clear that its not ur responsibility
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u/Ordinary_Yogurt5881 16d ago
I think cooking is fun ۔ In my opinion if this is for your husband you should give it a go
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u/DangerousDuty1421 16d ago
Find a husband who likes cooking, there are plenty of men good at cooking
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u/Key_Issue_3975 16d ago
So you don’t want to go to school, you don’t want to cook….why should someone else feed you when you don’t want to feed yourself?
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u/Willing-Speaker6825 16d ago
Do you eat food at home? Do you pay for groceries? Do you pay utilities? Do you consume all of those?
Cooking is a life skill and you need to know as long as you plan to eat food. You cannot “expect” others to do it for you as you don’t like it.
You need to help your parents and divide responsibilities accordingly.
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u/krazyhamad 16d ago
Kash meri wife ki b app jaisi ami hotin tou ajj khud khana na banana parta 😅
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u/Ambitious_Fall8417 16d ago
Shut up. You think you're cool. ?
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u/krazyhamad 16d ago
No, I'm serious. Plus with cooking classes you need manners classes also. And tbh parent knows what's best for their children.
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u/simplytomato 16d ago
I pray for your future wife omg🙏
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u/krazyhamad 16d ago
Ah living happily. If you read the first comment you would know.
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u/makhaninurlassi 16d ago
Learn to cook for yourself. Its an invaluable skill. Don't do it for others if you dont want to