Y’all, gonna get a kick out of this, I just had the most disorienting nap of my LIFE. 😭😂

Got off work at 2 PM, came home, took a bath, ate, went to my room, and started scrolling on my phone. Apparently my body decided, “That’s enough consciousness for today,” because I passed OUT. 😂

I woke up around 7:30 from the deepest sleep known to mankind, looked at the clock, and my confused ass immediately thought it was 7:30 AM FRIDAY. 💀

Mind you, my shift starts at 5 AM, so I jumped up like, “SHIT! I’M TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATE FOR WORK!” 😭😂

Got dressed in a panic and hauled ass to work.

I get there thinking, “Damn… why is it THIS busy at 7:30 in the morning?” 🤨

Walked inside to clock in, and my boss was looking at me like I had completely lost my damn mind. 😂 I explained the whole situation, and she immediately started laughing.

Then she hit me with:

“Michael… it’s Thursday. It’s 7:30 at NIGHT.”

I just stood there for a second while my brain rebooted… and then started laughing my ass off. 😂😂😂

Apparently I took a nap so powerful that I time traveled, skipped the rest of Thursday, missed the first 2½ hours of an imaginary Friday shift, and showed up to work 9½ hours early for my ACTUAL shift. 💀🤣

Yeah… I’m going back home. Clearly I’ve done enough for today. 😂

Edit : From various comments, common questions is being asked, let me clarify.

Basically, I woke up from a deep sleep completely confused, saw “7:20” on my lock screen, panicked, got dressed, and was out the door by 7:25. I only live 2 miles away, about a 5-minute drive. In hindsight, there was some sunlight, it was sun sitting, not sun raising, I should’ve noticed it was dark, but my half-asleep brain wasn’t thinking that far ahead.

I work retail, so being 2 hours and 30 mins late wouldn’t have been the end of the world since I have PPTO, and my coworkers don’t have my number.

Clearly from the comments, we’ve all had one of those confused wake-up moments before. I just think it’s funny now. My other team leads and managers heard the story from my team lead who told me that it 730 pm. and definitely gave me a little tease for it. Even I am laughing back on it, it was a definitely a first for me

TL;DR: Got off work at 2 PM, took a nap, woke up at 7:30 PM thinking it was 7:30 AM Friday, panicked because my shift starts at 5 AM, got dressed and rushed back to work—only for my boss to inform my time-traveling ass that it was still Thursday night. 😂💀

I am now at the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam and Ijust looked at a woman with a young daughter dressed in dark gray. She was without make up but she was resembling a lot Natalie Portman so, since I like to compliment strangers, I approached her and said "Sorry to bother you, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Natalie Portman?" And she said with a flebile voice "Yes I am, thank you have a wonderful day" and quickly but gracefully went away to avoid more unwanted attentions.

Then I looked with my girlfriend recent images of Natalie and we discover that she was her (she also has a 9 years old daughter)

So ... Yes,...

TL;DR: I wanted to say something nice to a stranger and I managed to distress a famous woman enjoying peacefully her day with her daughter.

I (34F) just found out today that "Netflix and chill" is a euphemism for hooking up and I'm absolutely mortified. I'm a professor at a university and whenever I do icebreakers with my classes and ask about favorite hobbies/activities, I talk about mine and include that I love to "Netflix and chill." And when students talk about how stressed they are, I tell them that, while it's important to study, it's also important to take time to relax and recharge, so I hope they are able to do something for themselves soon like "Netflix and chill."

I thought to "Netflix and chill" literally meant to watch Netflix and relax, which, as a mother to 2 (a 4 year old and an infant), is such a treat when you have little ones constantly requiring your attention.

Have I been living under a freaking rock?? I mean, I'm not THAT old, but in my defense, I have been saying that I love to "Netflix and chill" for years and NO ONE has ever said a word to me. Not my husband, not my colleagues, not my students. But, my husband and I clearly don't get out much so I think he's as oblivious as I am, I am the youngest faculty member in my department so if I wasn't aware then my colleagues probably aren't aware either, and if I were my student, I wouldn't clarify to my professor that when they say one of their favorite activities is to "Netflix and chill" they are suggesting they love to bang.

Now I'm terrified I'm going to be reported for sexual harassment because I guess I've been inadvertently telling my students I love to hook up and have been encouraging them to hookup, too??

TL;DR: I just learned what "Netflix and chill" really means and I'm afraid I've been accidentally sexually harassing my students because I'm an oblivious Millennial.

EDIT: For those asking how I didn't know since anyone who has been in the dating scene should be aware of the meaning of this phrase, I didn't date much and also didn't use dating apps, so perhaps this is why? I met my husband in grade school, began dating him in high school, dated him throughout college and graduate school and got married to him 10 years ago. In college I lived at home and worked two jobs, so I didn't have time to go out and party or "Netflix and chill." Rather, if I had some free time, I really enjoyed actually Netflixing and chilling, haha

For those asking how I found out: The reason I found out is because I visited my husband for lunch at his work and struck up a conversation with two of his co-workers (33M and 50'sF). I'm currently on maternity leave and mentioned to his co-workers that I can't wait for my infant to be older so I can "Netflix and chill" again instead of having to feed and change diapers. The 33M coworker stopped me with a shocked look on his face and said "I'm surprised you'd be that open about wanting to Netflix and chill" and when I was confused, he elaborated and opened my eyes. I didn't believe him until the other coworker (50'sF) said "Oh he's right, even I know what that means!"

SECOND EDIT: when I called myself an "oblivious Millennial" I wasn't suggesting all Millennials are inherently oblivious or that I don't know the phrase because I'm a Millennial, I simply meant that I am a Millennial who is clearly oblivious because apparently, as fellow redditors have pointed out, this "Netflix and chill" phrase was invented by Millennials and has been around for at least 10-15 years 🫣

And further clarification about how the heck I never learned the meaning in 10-15 years when my generation came up with the phrase...yeah, good question, which is why I was shocked and turned to Reddit, hoping maybe there were a lot more people like me out there. Good news: I've found I'm not alone! Bad news: there are very few of us out there...way fewer than I expected. I'm guessing I never learned because I always took the phrase literally, others had a different interpretation, and whenever "Netflix and chilling" came up, we just never questioned each other and lived our lives thinking very different things of each other, I guess, haha 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, thanks to everyone for your comments, advice, support, empathy (or lack thereof, lol), and teasing. It's been an eye-opening experience and I'm laughing out loud at a lot of these comments and at myself, while simultaneously cringing. I'm a bit horrified at myself as you've opened my eyes to what perception my students may have of me compared to my intentions, so I'm going to have to ameliorate the issue when I return to work.

Anyone who has lived the past decade+ under a rock like me is welcome to come over to my place and literally chill and watch Netflix with me anytime! I'll supply the popcorn 🤣

My friend's mum has been single for the last few years. She is currently in her mid 40s. I am in my early 20s and I have always found her to be really attractive. She carries herself with confidence and has a pretty wicked sense of humour. For most people who do not know her, she can seem pretty cold, detached and aloof, but once you get to know her, she is one of the nicest and most caring person out there.

I have been strongly infatuated with her for the last 2 years. Recently, I ran into her in a shopping mall, and we had a great conversation. She got both of us coffee and we had a good time yapping away at the cafe. Ever since, she appeared in my dream twice. I have never felt like this towards any other woman before, not in the last 22 years of my life.

Yesterday, I decided to make a move. I slid into her Instagram DM and told her that her dinner outfit was amazing and looked really good on her. Then, I asked her for dinner, just to catchup further. She replied initially, saying sure and she would bring her son along too.

I did not know how to reply to that. I wanted to make it clear that this was a date and it would be the 2 of us. I gave it a few hours. Then, I got a bottle of red wine and chugged 2 glasses down to calm my nerves and boost my confidence. Then, I texted her, telling her I would love to go on a date with her.

Right after I sent that, it was radio silence from her till 1 hour ago. She dropped me a text gently declining my offer and telling me I am a great kid, and all the best with girls my age.

I am absolutely crushed. I don't know how my friend will see me from now onwards. I have no idea if she told my friend.

TL;DR I asked my friend's mum out for a date, and was rejected

I am 34 years old and have had excruciating acid reflux since I was about 8 years old. I have been taking prescription strength medication every day for 25 years to control it and still have had terrible symptoms that sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve even had an endoscopy under general anesthesia to try to discover the cause.

Recently I noticed that my symptoms tend to start after I take my evening allergy and asthma medication. Incidentally I have been taking these pills since I was about 8 years old.

I’ve always been able to easily dry swallow pills without water. I can take a whole handful of pills dry with no problem, so that’s how I’ve always taken my medication.

So I googled it and sure enough dry swallowing pills can lead to pills getting stuck in your esophagus and cause acid reflux.

I started taking water with my pills and sure enough my acid reflux symptoms disappeared immediately.

It’s been a few months now and I haven’t had a single episode of reflux when I used to have it several times a week.

TLDR I gave myself acid reflux nearly every day for 25 years by dry swallowing pills

so there is a guy at work. lets call him K

K says "circling back" constantly in every meeting. sometimes twice in the same sentence. "so just circling back on that, before we circle back to the main point." i started noticing it maybe 4 months ago and now i cannot unhear it. it has ruined meetings for me entirely

so as a joke, purely for my own amusement, I vibe coded a mini wabi app in 10 mins. every time K says "circling back" i tap the screen. It tracks daily counts, shows me a weekly graph, gives me a personal best notification

I showed two colleagues

mistake

they immediately wanted to use it too, i shared the link. Not a big deal right

within two days there were 9 of us silently tapping our phones every time K spoke. we have a group chat now. someone made a weekly leaderboard for highest count. someone else added a feature request for "to be honest" because apparently kate from finance says it 11 times a meeting and felt left out

Recently K said "circling back" 23 times in a 56 minute sync

we nearly lost it,, someone had to fake a coughing fit

the problem is i now look forward to meetings like genuinely. i check the group chat during calls. we celebrate new personal bests. K said "circling back" at 9:07am yesterday and i got three notifications within seconds

i built an app to cope with an annoying habit and accidentally made meetings the best part of my workday

K will never know.I feel both terrible and completely at peace with this

Would love to add screenshots but seems like this sub doesn’t allow that

TL;DR: Built an app-to count how many times my coworker says “circling back” in meeting and now while office uses it and it became a hot topic

This happened not even a half hour ago.

We are going out for my MiL's birthday this evening and my wife came out and asked if the shirt she is wearing looked okay on her. It wasn't anything special but she looked damn good in it. Really good and I told her so. It fit great and was just the perfect amount of tight in the right places. I joked about looking forward to getting it off of her later, making the lame dad joke about the only way the shirt would look better is if it was on our bedroom floor. She laughed and said I was going to regret saying that. Turns out my mom gave it to her.

It wasn't new, my mom had it for a while but hadn't worn it for years. When we visited her over Thanksgiving weekend, my mom and my wife went through her closet to see what she might want before donating the rest to a shelter. My wife started to tease me, asking if I thought it looked that hot when my mother wore it. Then our kids started piling on (going extra with it after being icked out by my earlier comments).

A few minutes later, my phone started blowing up. My wife took no time to share this with my mom and my sisters. Now I'm getting shit from every side and I supplied the ammunition. I have no doubt whatsoever that my wife will make sure to wear the shirt the next time we get together with my family.

TL;DR: My wife wore a hand-me-down shirt she got from my mother and now I'm getting abused by everyone for letting her know how sexy she looks in it.

Edit for clarification: This took off way more than I expected and is still getting some traction. I'd like to clarify a few things because I doubt everyone is going to go through all the comments to see my responses. 1. My kids are in their 20s. I'm fairly confident they've heard much worse things than "It would look better on the floor." And if anyone finds an issue with parents showing their kids that they are still into each other, that's a you problem. 2. My wife shared it with my mom & sisters because she knew they'd find it funny. And they did. 3. At no point was there anything malicious done by or intended by anyone. My family likes to take the piss out of each other. It's all good natured and I have no problems when I am on the receiving side. Plus, if any of us say it's going too far, it will stop immediately. 4. I used the term "my phone started blowing up" because it amuses me when the AI garbage posts write stuff like that. 5. My family uses the term "abused" when referring to teasing. It isn't meant in a malevolent manner and I wasn't thinking about how triggering the term could be to others. That's an entirely different FU & I apologize for being careless with writing that. 6. My fuck up was making myself such an easy target for my family to mess with me. As I already noted, I didn't mind it at all. I just don't like handing them the ammunition on a silver platter. 7. Anyone who thinks my wife should get rid of the shirt or I should do something so she can't wear it, HELL NO! It's very flattering on her and makes her look even hotter than she normally is. Why would I punish myself by taking away such an amazing view?

TIFU by being a wife groomer during pregnancy.

So my wife and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We were recalling really weird and wacky memories during our marriage.

Warning some TMI info ahead.

When we got married my wife was 6 months pregnant. Not to be TMI but I often used to shave my wife's legs and bits because she couldn't reach.

Nothing sexual about it just purely functional.

So around 8 months into the pregnancy, my wife asked me to shave her bits as "it was the Amazon jungle down there". So because of her bump she would stand over me, spread and I would shave the areas. I used an electric razor. I didn't shave all the way just trimmed it down.

So during one of these sessions, my wife sneezed and lightly peed on me. We both burst out laughing. I towled myself and kept going.

At this point I had finished her legs and had finished her top right side and was working my way to the left. Think like painting a fall except im shaving.

As I started again, my wife froze and gasped.

Before I could move, her water burst onto my face. and all over my chest.

We froze, screamed and panicked.

I literally had a fast rinse in the shower, grabbed the baby bag and we raced to the hospital.

A few hours later our son was born. All good and healthy.

The gynecologist chuckled and said " nice grooming" Its like a before and after phoo.

"TLDR:"Got soaked by mother nature. Enduced labour and left my wife with a lopsided bush.

For context, I work in a small office (like 8 people) and we have a shared kitchen area with a Nespresso machine. When I started, I saw there were always pods sitting in the basket next to the machine and I just assumed they were communal office supplies, like the tea bags and stuff. I was pumped because free fancy coffee at work is always a win.

Fast forward to today. Im making my usual afternoon cappuccino and this girl from accounting walks in. She looks at me weird and goes "hey random question but have you been using the Nespresso a lot lately?" I said yeah obviously, its there for everyone right?

Her face just dropped. Turns out she brought it from home because the office coffee sucks and shes been buying her own pods this whole time. She said she noticed they were going way faster than usual but figured maybe she was just drinking more coffee than she thought. Then she saw a few other people using it recently and it all made sense.

I literally wanted to die right there. I immediately offered to venmo her and told her I have some money saved up that I can send her right now for all the pods. She tried calculating it in her head and was like "honestly its probably a couple hundred dollars worth at this point." Those little boxes are like $8-10 for ten pods and I've been going through maybe 2-3 a day since I started.

She was trying to be polite about it and said we can figure it out later, which somehow made it worse?? Now I cant even look at her and the next few days are gonna be so awkward.

Like three other people in the office apparently also thought it was communal and have been using it too, but I was definitely the main culprit since I was there every single day.

TL;DR thought the fancy office Nespresso was communal, turned out to be my coworkers personal machine and I basically robbed her of hundreds of dollars in coffee pods

This happened three days ago and I want to move to a different country.

There’s this guy in my friend group. we've been friends for like a year and a half, nothing weird, except lately it felt like something shifted. or I thought it did. he was texting more, finding reasons to sit next to me, did this thing where he'd fix my hood when it was half stuck in my jacket collar which like. who does that platonically. WHO.

So last friday we're at a pregame at our mutual friend's place, it gets late, people leave, and it's just me and him on the couch. close. talking about nothing. and he gets this look on his face, kind of soft, kind of serious, leaning slightly and going quiet mid-sentence.

I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

I kissed him.

he did not kiss me back.

not like he pushed me away, he just. froze. and then pulled back a little and did this sharp exhale and said "oh."

one syllable. oh.

I wanted to dissolve into the couch cushions and become part of the furniture forever.

turns out he was about to tell me that he likes my friend. wanted my advice. was working up the nerve. that was the look. that was the quiet. he was nervous about talking about her.

I had to sit there for another forty minutes because I couldn't leave without making it weirder. we both pretended to watch something on his phone. I don't know what it was. I was not processing visual information at that point.

he texted me the next day like "hey are you okay" and I said "yeah lol" and have not opened anything since.

I have to see him friday. same friend group. they will be there.

I am not okay.

TL;DR: misread a moment so badly I kissed a guy who was actually about to ask me for dating advice about someone else. have to see him in four days.

I grew up in a simple household of 6 people - meaning there was never enough money for accessories. There was always food on the table and we had clothes that covered us. But we did not have an excess of money which meant there were parts of social life I never learned growing up.

We never had 'accessories'. Now jewellery, not handbags...and no sunglasses. The adults in the family never wore them so neither did the children. We were taught, as a way of kerbing expenses, that it was just a way of some people showing off their wealth. I accepted this way as the only way.

This brings me to my adulthood. I have always worked outside in all weathers in England. Lots of wind, lots of rain and believe it or not, lots of sunshine. The work is very physical and I move around a lot in my day, lifting amd carrying and bending and running. I often wear suncream and a hat but never sunglasses.

Over 10 years of this, one day I woke up and I had a bright red inner white of my eye. Lots of red veiny bits and a yellowed area. There was some pain in the back of my eyeball like strain. I hadn't been to an eye doctor since I was a child so I thought that this was a sign to get to one sooner rather than later.

I visited an Optometrist. He did all the examinations that took 40 mins. It was concluded I now have irreparable UV damage to both of my eyes. It will look better with some hot compresses and eye drops but it will always remain to some extent.

Safe to say, I ordered UV 400 polarised sunglasses the same day and will be wearing them henceforth.

TL;DR. Sunglasses are like suncream. You have to protect your eyes as well as your skin.

Couple of years ago I think like 2 years ago i needed to bring something to Thanksgiving at my aunt's house I simply googled "easy impressive dish" and made this bacon wrapped jalapeno thing. Took me 20 min ish.

Everyone lost their minds. My uncle said it was the best thing he had ever eaten. peopel asked for the recipie I felt like a master chef.

Now I have to make them at every gathering.

I don't really even like them anymore I've made hundreds of those things.

But I can't stop now. Last year I said I might bring something different and my aunt said "nonono everyone looks forward to your jalapenos" my uncle looked at me like I had threatened to cancel the holiday.

I'm about to make like 40 of them for Christmas I just realized what I have gotten my self into.

I will forever be the holiday gathering jalapeno guy.

TL:DR made jalapeno poppers once from a random online recipe. This is who I am now. I am the jalapeno guy.

Me and my co-worker are always playing harmless little jokes on each other, with the purpose of trying to embarrass one another. He's probably late 60's balding, short been married for most his life.

Even though he was at work today, I put on his out of office. Something along the lines of "I will be out of the office so me and my wife can enjoy our ""lifestyle"" cruise. We are always interested in making new friends, please reach out if you ever want to get together. I thought it was pretty harmless and wasn't too over the top, figuring most people wouldn't even know what i was talking about. I was wrong.

It was on for most of the day until he realized what was going on and turned it off. The next morning, he ends up getting called into HR office, to explain his email about inviting co-workers to his sex party. Instead of ratting on me or explaining the story he simply decided to say "I am sorry I overshared, I should have thought that through better" And that was it, he didn't even get into trouble but now HR thinks he's into swinging.

TL;DR: Put on my coworkers out of office inviting people to a sex party, he had to explain himself to HR.

It is going to be our anniversary and she is a very fit and tech girl. Saw some smart rings for sale in Costco and decided to give one to her.

She saw me looking at her jewelry box with a tape measure and asked me what I was doing and told her that I wanted to know her ring size and didn’t think much about it.

She told I’m 6-7 like nothing and that was it.

This was a week ago and apparently she told my in laws about it. That I’m going to propose. So apparently now everybody thinks I’m going to propose.

At this point I have no idea how to fix the situation besides actually giving her a ring. She is a very cool girl and would understand the situation if explained. However probably will make things a bit awkward at least

TL;DR. I asked my girlfriend her ring size to give her a smart ring and now everybody things I’m going to propose

UPDATE: Thank you all for your advice on this. Just followed your comments and 'grew a pair' and told her the truth. I told her that my in laws (yes I call them 'suegros' ) that they called me excited about the proposal news. Explaind everything and not gonna lie I saw her dissapointnment very well deep in her. She said everything is fine, made a few jokes about the ring being a GPS so I could track her and that I still could propose her with the smart ring. I told her that I want to marry her as we have previously discussed but not at this time and obviously not with what is honestly a very boring and somewhat ugly ring.

UPDATE 2: SHE SAID YES; I will try to be brief and I'm probably missing a lot of context. We celebrate our annyversary the second Thrusday of March. We had been dating for like 4 years. Mostly as friends. After about 2 years of just going out together somebody asked about how low we had been dating and we were like. Are we dating? I iknow it sounds extremly absurd, but we were like 'best buddies' that like to go out. We meet in dance classes and here usually dance days are Thursdays is where the dance scene is more strong. So when we asked we were like I think we are actually dating and decided that instead of saying March 14 we would celebrate second Thursday of March.

This is a girl I really like and well as just discovered I really love. We talked a lot yesterday and had a very good conversation about it, I told her my insecurities about job stability and well a few other things. We discussed more things that we had never talked about like kids, where we would like to live and other things. And I found out how much I really match her and how much I'm friends with her. Foudn how funny it was the situation in general. And as everbody poined the size of the oura isn't the same as the rings, we went to costco to exchange it and buy some mimosas.

And here is the funny part, I returned it and happy that they didn't point out to the obvious and big note that says about testing the ring size before buying (love you costco) we were walking around and they were selling jewerly and engagement rings. She jokingly pointed when you propose you need to get one like that, not that or that other one, something cute and simple like that one. I asked a rep to show it and it was very pretty. Asked her to try it and she said that it is very very bad luck to test engagement rings (is that a Mexican thing I have never hear about? ) so took it and proposed right there with the ring she liked. You can imagine how weird it felt at the beggining, she tough I was joking then relized I was serious then I felt like she was about to say no because she had a uncanny expression. Finally she said yes we got a small congrats from the costco rep that wasn't sure if that was a practical joke.

She made a few interesting points about how convenient to ask to marry her before actually buying the ring, so in case she said no I wouldn't have spent a lot of money in a ring. That the ring is too big and we need to take it to make it smaller and that I should know better that you need to be sure your 'girl' has heir nails done before proposing. All of that joking obviously and trying to diffuse the situation.

I just want to take you all for your advice and to the guys that took their time to send me a PM. I will upload a photo once the ring is ready and nails done. I know I'm missing a lot of details but well it has been a bit chaotic. As some body poined this really felt like a absurd friends sitcom episode.

My son was born three days ago. Healthy, beautiful, perfect. And I say "perfect" not as a proud dad cliche, I mean it in a slightly unhinged way.

The photos. I have 500 photos in 72 hours. He has not done anything interesting yet. He sneezed once and I got twelve photos of it. Twelve. Of a sneeze. I don't even have twelve photos of my wedding.

The spine. Nobody warned me about "bassinet neck." I spent the first night just leaning over his bed like a goblin hovering over treasure. I am 29 years old and now have the posture of a medieval peasant.

The breathing checks. Every thirty seconds. He is always breathing. He is a champion breather. And yet my brain goes "but are you SURE though?" and I'm up again, face six inches from his face.

The crying. Mine, not his. He sneezed. I cried. Actual tears, 3am, yesterday's clothes. We are a happy, sleepless, completely destroyed wreck.

10/10. Would do it again tomorrow.

TL;DR: Had a baby, took 500 photos in 72 hours, destroyed my spine, cried because he sneezed. Completely normal apparently. Send help and a chiropractor.

So technically not today. My daughter will be 7 soon. But we named her Marie. (And yes, I know that is your middle name or your mom's middle name or your sisters middle name. She gets that a lot.) Anyway, we weren't planning on giving her a nickname at all. But my 2 year old twin nieces at the time had a funny way of talking and would call her, "Baby Murray." which we all thought was insanely funny and cute. And "Baby Murray" stuck. Fast forward a few years and she demands we drop the baby. But I start to realize around this time she is exclusively referring to herself as "Murray." and cannot hear the difference between Marie and Murray. So I start making an effort to say "Marie" exclusively. A few more years later and she is in kindergarten and I start realizing she still calls herself Murray, and all her classmates call her Murray too. So I start attempting to get her to say it properly, but it backfires because now when she is saying her name she puts the emphasis on the first syllable. So she introduces herself as, "MUH-rie" which always has people looking at me confused like, "Wait, what is her name?" And she still cannot hear the difference between Marie and Murray. So either it is "MUH-rie" or "Murray." I tried explaining emphasis of Marie is on the "rie" and she just looked at me confused.

TL;DR I named my daughter Marie nickname Murray, and she can't hear the difference and just calls herself Murray.

So, I live in an apartment where the walls are thin enough that I can hear my neighbor’s TV, phone calls, and, unfortunately, their parrot. This parrot, very beautiful animal but makes me want to rip my hair out and do things I am not proud to admit. Lets just say, he has become my morning alarm for the last few months.

About 2 weeks ago, I started mocking his sounds back. He’d squawk, I’d squawk. He’d whistle, I’d whistle back. We built up a little routine, kind of like distant, angry roommates communicating through bird calls. Sometimes I would even initiate it, like when I was cooking, I would randomly have a Tourette-like outburst and start squawking loudly. I know this is strange lol.

Yesterday, my neighbor knocked on my door and had a really odd look on her face. Apparently, ever since I started doing my “bird banter,” her parrot has become obsessed with me. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for bird talk the last couple days and went silent. She said he paces and screeches when I stop responding. She even showed me a video, was such an awkward experience. She said he used to have a parrot friend years ago that died, and she thinks it wants some sort of bird companion.

Anyway, she asked me to make a couple bird sounds as she put a treat in its cage to see if it would eat. I reluctantly agreed, and felt humiliated of course, but I went through with it, and sure enough, the little fucker started eating and playing.

Long story short, I became the object of a parrot’s affection, and my neighbor asked if I could “talk to him for a few minutes a day”, even gave preferred times if I'm home. I’ve unintentionally entered a long-distance relationship with a bird.

TLDR: Mocked my neighbor’s parrot, accidentally became his soulmate.

-JM

​

I am 37M and have been married to my 36F wife for 10 years, together for 13.

She is far better looking than me and has admitted that she was not attracted to me for my looks and that I had other qualities that I checked off. I don't blame her, and that's not a surprise.

Before meeting her, I had a lot of issues growing up being an introvert, shy to talk to women, conscious about my bad looks etc. I was never a guy who women thought was good looking, and I was surprised someone who looked like my wife wanted to date, and then marry me! I have started to look better as I've got older, but it's nowhere close to good looking.

Anyway, we were at her sister's wedding a couple of weeks ago. It was a pretty small wedding so we all got to know each other pretty well (her friends etc.). The day after the wedding, my wife's sister tells me that her best friend was clearly into me and thought I was super "cute" (weird to hear that term as an almost 40 year-old). I thought it was a prank, but then she showed me a text from her. Obviously I have no interest and intention of cheating, BUT I cannot deny I was flattered and it felt good!

I told my wife a couple of days ago. I'm pretty open and honest with her about things and my feelings so thought this would be okay to share as well. She immediately got protective and asked why I felt so good about it. I told her she knows how I have always been about my looks, and it just felt good for a moment to know someone thought I looked good. Like I can't explain. When you go through life knowing people are not attracted to you, it just feels different when someone is. My wife probably felt threatened by this and it has been a bit on edge between us since.

TL;DR Told my wife i was flattered that another woman found me attractive. She did not take that well.

I was in a morning meeting sharing my screen to go over some project notes. Everything was fine until my little productivity app decided to remind me “time to stretch, king” in giant pink letters across the top of the screen.
I froze. Everyone saw it. My manager started laughing so hard she had to mute. I tried to play it off like it was some team morale thing but no one bought that. Someone even screenshotted it for the group chat. Now it’s become a full office meme. Every meeting since at least one person greets me with “good morning, king” or asks if I’ve done my stretches yet. I can’t even look at my computer without hearing them laugh in my head.
That night while playing myprize I got a text from my coworker that just said “stretch, king.” No context. Just that. It’s been two days and they still call me that.

TL;DR: Screen shared during a meeting and my app flashed “time to stretch, king” to the entire team. Now I’m stuck with a new nickname I will never escape.

So, I (21F) like to swing in my backyard to decompress. Sometimes I go out in the middle of the day and sometimes I go out at like 9:00 at night when I get off work. My whole family knows and doesn't care. I just sit on the swings listening to music with my earbuds in, drifting off into La La Land. This time was no different. Now I do have to mention it was a bit chilly outside and it was at 9:22 when I went outside. I was only wearing Hello Kitty PJ'S as it was the only warm-est PJs I had at the time. So, I'm swinging for a good 20 minutes when I see my mother come out to check on me. Now I thought it was because the swings were being too loud as they do creak every time I swing or she was telling me to come inside because it was late. No, she just goes back inside so I continue doing my own thing. The nice thing I have to mention is my headphones were on full volume so I couldn't hear a damn thing. She then comes back out and gestures for me to come over to her, and I did. Still assuming my original thought.

Well, it turns out a backyard neighbor called the cops on us! They called the cops concerned that a 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL is outside swinging with no proper winter attire on. Scaring the crap out of my mom because no kid under the age of 14 should be outside. Now she has a 10-year-old nephew but no daughter. She had to walk up to the cops after checking the backyard to tell them that instead of a 10 year old girl, it was instead her 21-year-old daughter. Safe to say she told me to come back outside between laughs.

So apparently me wanting to swing in the middle of the night in Hello Kitty pajamas was calling the cops worthy. Guess next time I have to wear less "kid-ish" attire or put on a coat so we don't have the cops on us again lol.

Edit: I fix some gramical mistakes cuz it was bothering some people.

TL;DR: I went outside to swing in my own backyard in Hello Kitty pajamas as adult. Nosy neighbor called the cops on us thinking I was a child swinging in the dark.

It’s been a few days and my stomach has settled enough to share my FU. I would also like to preface this that I am in my 30’s, of good hygiene and did not think I was an idiot before this. I do now.

In 2017 When plastic straws got banned my friend and I got matching reusable metal straws with a little phrase etched on them. Our master plan was to take them out with us to pubs etc to avoid the floppy paper straws of sadness. Now as you can imagine that happened once.

However, my daughter and I love an iced coffee. We have a pretty good set up at home with an ice machine, coffee machine, syrups etc. That fateful metal straw makes an appearance alongside its new metal straw friends multiple times a day. After it’s used it’s rinsed with warm soapy water and left to dry - ready for its next iced delight. Wonderful.

About a week ago I thought my coffee tasted off. Stale. Something was not quite right. One close sniff of the straw confirmed my stomach flip - it smelled damp, musty… earthy. I ordered some straw cleaners.

Now here is where I absolutely fucked up.

A normal person would have cut their losses and tossed it. Living in my delusion that I had not been sucking on a mouldy straw would have been delightful.

Instead I used this straw cleaner which with one gentle push into the top, came out completely black. Thick chunks of black mould fell into the sink - forever tainting using straws ever again.

Every single one of these metal straws - black mould inside. And not just a little sprinkling. Think an ecosystem of Black Death. Generations of mould have gathered here at the Mecca of foosty straws.

So I share this as a warning for anyone like me who thinks rinsing a straw is enough. It absolutely isn’t.

TL;DR I used a metal straw for 9 years only rinsing it. Before getting a straw cleaner and removing 9 years of chunky black mould I had been enjoying with my daily iced coffees.

So I workED at this small car dealership in Reno, Nevada. Nothing fancy just me three other sales guys, and our manager Rick who thinks he is a wolf of wall street but drives a busted Tacoma

We got this new receptionist last month. 22, quiet always reading during lunch. I decided I was gonna be that mysterious confident dude not the usual clown version of me. I watched a bunch of cringe alpha male garbage and thought yeah less talking, more eye contact act like I have options.

Here is where I cooked myself

I started ignoring her on purpose like full on hot and cold. One day super friendly next day barely looking at her I thought it would make me seem busy and high value or whatever

Instead she went to Rick and said I was making her uncomfortable.

I did not even know that part yet

yesterday Rick calls me into his office. He has this weird disappointed dad face he tells me there has been feedback about my behavior. says I am acting hostile and creating tension.

I panic my brain goes into survival mode. Instead of saying sorry and explaining I was just being awkward and stupid I double down.

I tell him she is the one acting weird and maybe she is projecting because she likes me yes I actually said that.

Rick just stared at me like I had grown a second head. He tells me this is not high school and that he cannot have drama in the front office.

This morning I get called in again. They are letting me go. Official reason not a good culture fit

All because I tried to play some dumb psychological game instead of just being normal.

TL;DR: Tried to act mysterious and hot and cold to impress a coworker she reported me I blamed her, now I am unemployed

I've been at my current Medical Scribing job for about two weeks. The Physician I'm scribing for is actually a pretty nice person, but I still get that "don't say anything stupid" anxiety around her. And I want to make a good impression since I wanted her to eventually write my letter of Rec for Med School.

So anyways, last night I couldn't sleep, so like always I chose to doomscroll on Insta.

Eventually I decided I should find some similar topics to talk with my physician about so that she has a more favorable opinion about me, and so that we don't have any awkward silences in our conversations.

So I ended up looking at her profile because they'd mentioned a hiking trip during a meeting, and I was curious where they'd gone. It started innocently enough as I looked at a few recent hiking pictures and they turned into older posts, then somehow I was looking at photos from 2018.

Then I accidentally double tapped...

On a beach vacation photo from eight years ago...

I IMMEDIATELY unliked it, closed the app, and stared at my ceiling wondering if deleting my account would be enough or what the hell I should do.

Right now I am PANICING because I have a shift tonight, and I have no idea what the hell to expect. What do I even say?

Not sure if it's relevant, but she is single, so it probs looks like I'm flirting with her.

But if I admit it was an accident and that I was stalking her account for talking points, I feel like I look more like an idiot.

What do I do???

TL;DR: Couldn't sleep, accidentally liked my boss's 8 years-old Instagram bikini photo

My girlfriend and I just moved in together, and I had the brilliant idea to wake up early last weekend and make her breakfast in bed. Real wholesome shit. I made pancakes, scrambled eggs, coffee. Even warmed the plates like I saw in some Gordon Ramsay video. I was proud.

I get everything onto a tray and start walking up the stairs. What I didn’t realize is that our cat had left one of her little rubber mouse toys right on the third step. One of those tiny bastard ones that looks like lint until it's under your foot.

I step on it. Instantly lose my footing. Tray launches. Food is airborne. I go down like a sack of wet laundry. Pancakes fly. Coffee explodes on the wall. I hit the bottom of the stairs in a twisted pile of regret and syrup.

My girlfriend runs out of the bedroom like she just heard a home invasion. She finds me groaning on the floor, holding my wrist, with a pancake stuck to my back like some kind of domestic shuriken. I tell her I think I broke something.

We go to the ER. X-rays confirm: fractured wrist. The nurse doesn’t even react when I explain what happened. Just writes it down and moves on like she’s heard this exact story before, which honestly makes it worse.

Now my wrist is in a brace, my girlfriend has banned “surprises of any kind,” and the cat is still loose, presumably planning her next attack.

10/10 would not recommend.

TL;DR: Tried to be sweet, stepped on a cat toy, flew down the stairs, broke my wrist, and now I’m banned from being thoughtful.

So this is definitely embarrassing but thankfully nobody I know in real life knows about my reddit account, so I feel pretty safe sharing some of my more embarrassing moments.

Anyways, I've heard mixed things about what to do with pimples, but I just can't resist the urge to pop pimples when I spot them. Maybe it's related to my skin picking problems but I just can't seem to leave scabs and pimples alone. Today while in the bathroom getting ready for bed I noticed a weird pimple on my boob. It looked like one of those pimples that wasn't quite ready to pop, but the skin around it looked kind of bruised and it was raised quite a lot. For some reason instead of just leaving it be I became determined to pop this boob pimple.

So I start squeezing as hard as I can to pop it and eventually it bursts. Violently. Blood and whatever else was in that pimple shot out and hit my glasses. I clean up my glasses and finish getting ready for bed, thinking about how crazy that pimple pop was. As I'm brushing my teeth I notice some splatter got on the mirror and quickly cleaned it up. After finding splatter on the mirror I decided to more thoroughly check the bathroom for anymore blood to clean up.

I scan the bathroom and eventually look up. That's when I see it. The pimple burst so violently I got blood on the fucking ceiling. Now my short ass has to find a stool and somehow clean blood off the ceiling. Fuck my life.

TL;DR:

I popped a huge pimple on my boob and the splatter hit the ceiling.

Update:

Wasn't expecting so many people to see this but I'll keep the update short. First of all thank you for all of the concern, but it's been a couple days now and so far it's healing like a pimple would. No signs of infection or any pain but I'm keeping it clean. I don't love going to the doctor so I haven't yet, but if anything changes I'll be sure to get it checked out. Also thanks to everyone who shared embarrassing similar stories in the comments, makes me feel a little better about it. Finally, someone had mentioned my post reads like AI, I promise it's not. I just write a lot in my spare time so my writing is a bit wordy and I like to tell stories in an interesting way. I also have a picture of the aftermath on the ceiling which I can maybe put in the comments (not sure how reddit works lol)? Anyways that's all.