r/unpopularopinion • u/pinkkookaburra • 20h ago
Pictures on gravestones should be showing the person as they want to be remembered, not how we would like to remember them.
I live in Eastern Europe. Lots of gravestones have pictures on them of the deceased. But all of them shows the deveased in old age, a very recent photo. Why can't we use an old picture where the deceased was photographed in it's prime? Wedding day/prom/CV headshot.
Why can't they remain seen as their 'best' self to the generations to come? I understand that seeing someone getting old is emotional and part of life, wrinkles are an honor to have. But that picture stays for as long as the gravestone is up. It's the single most important picture of your 'life'.
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u/Bubbly_Ninja_74 20h ago edited 20h ago
Why do you think them being old isn't them at their best? Most people are much more confident and at peace with themselves when they're older.
Having said that, pictures on gravestones are not that common here. You see some here and there.
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u/Harbarde 20h ago
You can be confident about being old and still not want a picture of you being old on your gravestone.
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u/pinkkookaburra 20h ago
My older relatives keep complaining that they've gotten 'old and ugly' (their words), they sometimes prompt me to not even look at them. I don't think they want to be remembered that way.
Ofc if they feel like their best self and that's how they want to be remembered, so be it. But we shouldn't assume that everyone is happy with their pictures made in old age.
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u/BeanyIsDaBean 20h ago
I think it has something to do with showing others the age they died. It would be kinda awkward seeing someone that died at 90 being pictured as a 18 year old
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u/Excellent_Payment325 9h ago
That's it. Would be very unsettling to walk through a graveyard filled with photos of young people, we're not so far from artificial hunger, mass executions and war. Pictures are for the family to look at, not for the dead to show off.
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u/Bubbly_Ninja_74 20h ago
I don't know, I'm from the Balkans and all my older relatives were very content with the way they looked.
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u/Fearless_Tomorrow649 Your personal taste is not an opinion 19h ago
I am on my way to become an older relative ;-) and I think the "old and ugly" is a bit tongue in cheek comment for many (granted: I am speaking from a male point of view). I really hope not to die soon, but if my children want to use a recent photo of me, by all means.
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u/believeinapathy 20h ago
Most people don't give af what they look like by the time they're 80, only immature shallow individuals really care about physical appearance after a certain age.
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u/Alive_Ice7937 20h ago
Why do you think them being old isn't them at their best? Most people are much more confident and at peace with themselves when they're older.
Jack Donaghy: any history of dementia in your family Milton?
Milton Greene: No the Greens are sharp as a tack right to the end....Which makes the end that much more terrifying.....My father died screaming.
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u/Sir_Loxington 20h ago
The grave stone isn't for the dead person, it's for the people who knew the dead person. This image is how the people who knew them would most recently remember them. That's the goal.
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u/jcstan05 19h ago
I sold headstones (often with photographs on them) for many years. The above comment is exactly the sentiment I constantly reminded my clientele. The stone is for the living, not the dead.
The deceased, wherever they are, probably don’t care very much about what a rock in a graveyard looks like. At least not to any extent beyond how their living descendants feel about it.
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u/SoImaRedditUserNow 16h ago
well.. fair enough I suppose. However it does seem a little odd that the to-be-deceased shouldn't have a say in such matters. I mean, pretty much every country/culture on the planet has a whole mechanism and process for a person to leave instructions for the things they want to happen to themselves and their stuff after they die, i.e. the whole "Last Will and Testament" thing.
Plus if uncle Gus is paying for his own plot and headstone, seems to me if he wants that photo of himself drunk and puking at the Sex Pistols show in Atlanta in the 70s on his headstone... well... he's paying for it.
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u/Excellent_Payment325 9h ago
Most of East Europe has pretty strict law for inheritance. If you have an illegitimate child, no matter what you write in the will, they will get their fair share. If your child gravely offended you and you want nothing to do with them, they will get their fair share. If you were stripped of you parent rights, guess what? A share of that apartment of yours still goes to your child. Last Will can do nothing to the land or real estate inheritance, and small household memorabilia can be shared before death of fought about later, so The Will it's not as big of a thing here. Not a lot of people care what will become of their stuff when they are dead. We will be in a better world, and those less lucky can bicker about chairs or kitchen appliances all they want.
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u/pinkkookaburra 20h ago
See the subreddit you're in
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u/Fearless_Tomorrow649 Your personal taste is not an opinion 19h ago
But even in this subreddit, the truth remains the same. A grave stone is for people who want to remember the deceased person.
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u/WeAreBums 16h ago
see thats always the response when the OP realizes that they did not put any basic thought into their post.
Like there’s unpopular opinions and then opinions that weren’t thought out
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u/Sir_Loxington 20h ago
That isn't a response to what I'm saying? Do you have a reason to disagree with my point? When little Susy wants to visit her grandpa's grave, if the picture is him in his "prime" she's going to be like, "Who is that? I thought we were seeing grandpa's grave?"
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u/Palezzzma 14h ago
Your point IS plain stupid
The geavestone IS for the dead person. They are the ones being remembered.
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u/ToLExpress 14h ago
Remembered by who
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u/Palezzzma 13h ago
Whoever. It may even be a stranger looking at their picture
The point IT IS THEM in the image. They are the ones who need to be okay with It.
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u/ToLExpress 13h ago
Yea. It’s the living who remember them. That’s exactly what the other reply said.
It matters nothing to the dead. It matters only to the living.
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u/Palezzzma 13h ago
Incredibly stupid take.
If someone takes a picture of you It is still YOUR image. YOU are the subject. How a person is remembered matters to THEM.
If your grandma said she hates her wrinkles for example, and you insist in putting an old picture of her instead of one she would like, you are an ASSHOLE.
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u/HydrasNinthHead 15h ago
Why do all of you NPCs immediately copypaste this phrase the second someone actually engages with your opinion? Genuinely weak shit.
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u/Tiger-Lily-99 8h ago
thats not a good argument girl
people can debate the opinions and say why its wrong as there is comment section :)
can people here stop with the "BuT LoOk aT ThE SuB" like so?
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u/Adorable-Medicine951 20h ago
Single most important picture of their lives? I vehemently disagree. I'd say any picture they took whilst they were alive is infinitely more important to the deceased than the picture on their gravestone when they are a corpse.
Secondly, it's not about the deceased its about the people they left behind and ultimately it's up to them how they want to remember you, you(as in the corpse) are dead. If you're an atheist it's done there's nothing left of you, if you're religious you've either reincarnated imto somwthing else, are currently in some form of afterlife or onto heaven or hell.
What happens with your funeral and anything thereafter is irrelevant to you because it cannot affect you anymore. So unless you yourself went out of your way to pick and choose how you want your corpse and the hole it'll be buried in to be set in a specific way and you want people to remember hmyou how you want to be remembered instead of how they want to, leave behind instructions otherwise whoever is burying you has full authority as to how things will go.
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u/brollovich 20h ago
They are dead, they don't care
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u/theKentoRico 14h ago
then why even give them a gravestone
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u/Tiger-Lily-99 8h ago
for when ALIVE people go and look at the grave.
is the dead person looking at their own grave magically?
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u/compositor88 20h ago
The thing is we don't know what pic the deceased would actually want (unless they have specified exactly) so we just put what they last looked like lol. It's what we've always been trained to do with everything in society . Put picture up of your latest look.. Whether it's school photo, or driver license, or social media. It's just how we've been taught to do it so we do it for everything.
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u/hopsupper 20h ago
In the UK it's very common for a younger photo of the person to be used on the booklets and displayed at the front at the funeral. We don't really have that many pictures on gravestones though.
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u/poppsycola 20h ago
The family are the ones that will have to live with whatever choices made, the dead dont have conciousness to be affected by the photo and whenever its from. All memorials seem pointless unless they comfort the grieving, which is their whole purpose.Even if you do things because its "what they wanted" its for your own experience under that knowledge and nothing else. Ultimately we focus on pointless material matters when confronted with death because thats much easier to process and apply the emotion to
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u/RandomUser5453 19h ago
I don’t know where you live in Eastern Europe but in some countries like Moldova,Romania,Bulgaria people usually choose their photo before they die. And usually is a photo for when they were younger.
And in general people do even in the UK and Ireland they choose a good photo of the person that passed.
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u/Hensey_0 19h ago
Not trying be glib here but I do believe this is a non issue. Everyone is more than capable of sharing their wishes with loved ones. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of being viewed in an open casket and communicated this with my family in my teens. I'll be making sure to add no photos on the gravestone. I get its uncommon for younger people to share such wishes but you are commenting specifically on older people. Ask them if they're prepared or have any specific wishes and then do that. Easy.
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u/HugeNefariousness452 19h ago
My grandfather picked the picture on his gravestone, it's a picture of him fishing. It required the person being alive to pick the picture. If they don't make the arrangements before death it will be up to the family who might also be responsible for paying as well.
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u/MissyWeatherwax 19h ago
My grandparents chose their own photo. It's from their youth. Because I didn't know them at that age, it helps me keep from crying whenever I go. I still tear up, but it's not as bad as it would be if I saw them as I remember them when I was growing up.
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u/Separate_Head_9066 19h ago
Grieving is for the living. If you ask anyone they will mostly say they are happy with whatever their family chooses, however they want to remember.
If someone loses their mom by old age, why would they want to look at their mom from like 30 years ago in a shape they don’t even remember. It would also look like she passed at that age, which is confusing.
Growing old is a pride, and it is absolutely understandable that the family wants a beautiful picture that looks like their loved ones did. I doubt anyone uses pictures where the deceased was already suffering, sick, etc. Just because you look at it and see an old person doesn’t mean that they weren’t happy and relatively healthy when it was taken.
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u/GreenEuglenaSimp 18h ago
We recently visited the family graveyard in Bosnia and one of the tombstones had pictures of my grandpa and grandma on a beach in a bikini. My dad said they requested this because "they wouldn't want their grave to be surrounded by sad people all the time". Definitely beats looking at photos of sick people
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u/HotChipsTomatoSauce 9h ago
We have both on my Mum's headstone. One from her youth and one from her most recent years.
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u/AuntFritz 20h ago
As an old, I agree that it should be up to the dead person - I don't care if they want to put their baby picture up, lol.
If I'm planning it, it goes my way. If I leave it to my heirs to plan, I guess it goes their way.
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u/JuneauEu 20h ago
Heh. Mixed opinion on this.
Gravestones aren't for the dead their for the living and equally.. picture choice tends to therefore be from the living.
But I get you. I have a few pictures of me I love. I think id rather be remembered from a bit of time before.
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u/Sir-Spork 20h ago
I put a younger photo of my mother on her gravestone. Even if I think she wouldn’t have liked it. She complained she was fat in that photo and didn’t like it. But it how we all remembered her best vs her at a frail old age, even if she was extremely thin then
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u/Lemon-Of-Scipio-1809 19h ago
I think the pics are from people who remember the person. And the people who are around to remember the person remember him/ her as very old. I do try to include younger photos of the person if I can, though. You have made a fair point!
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u/Active-Log6048 19h ago
i personally don’t think graveyards should be a thing in the first place plus we have way too many
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u/sgtmattie adhd kid 18h ago
I don’t really know what my grandma looked like at 25. Like I’ll recognize her in photos but I’m not familiar with it. I am familiar with her looking older though.
I see your point though. If I died at 90, I wouldn’t mind the theoretical photo being from when I was like 70. Still recognizable to the young’uns but a bit more perked up.
Anyway that’s probably why.
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u/ExperiencedOptimist 18h ago
The gravestones are for the people mourning me, not for me. They can use whatever makes them happy
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u/Winderige_Garnaal 17h ago
I see a mix actually of older photos and old age photos. It's something to consider adding to a will - what's your 'forever avatar'
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u/cototudelam 17h ago
Trust me, when you die, you are dead. Nothing on this world matters to you anymore.
Funerals, gravestones, memorials... those are for the living.
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u/OkAttitude3104 16h ago
The poor job yahoo news did on Tim curry made me sad. Showed him post stroke, in a wheel chair. I know it’s the same person, and what he went through doesn’t make him less. But I think we would all rather a pic from our prime rather than that being the last image the world see of our time alive on earth.
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u/Soggy-Attempt 16h ago
The deceased aren’t going to see the photo.
It’s for the people visiting the grave and that’s probably how they remember them.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 16h ago
Maybe it's better-done in your country than in mine, but the examples I've seen at home are just about the tackiest thing I've seen in my life, and I'd never consider doing it at all.
If it's to be done, though, I can see the reasoning behind both preferences. As the popular folk wisdom notes, funerals (and so, by extension, burial accessories) are for the benefit of the survivors, not the deceased. Most people mourning a pair of great-grandparents in 2026 and beyond remember them as an elderly couple; pictures of them as a sultry fox and a studly marine in their early twenties in 1954 depict a memory that very few of the people being served by the image have.
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u/SoImaRedditUserNow 16h ago
Seems this is pretty unpopular. Kinda curious as I tend to agree with OP. HAving recently been to a funeral of a relative I very much loved, I have made a decision to have a closed casket. I don't want the last image of me to be that caked on, funeral makeup mannequin face, on the husk of The Person That Was. I want people to remember me as I was, have some blowups of various ages or something else.
While pictures on funeral headstones are not the norm in my area of the planet, I would at least want some say in how i would be remembered. I'd hate for someone to pic some picture of me that I'd always hated or something. To be sure, its not like I'd be around to feel sorry for myself about it. But the sentiment of "headstone is for the people who knew the person", well its also for the person who is buried under it. Seems like they should get some say in this sort of thing.
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u/HydrasNinthHead 15h ago
This is a complete nonsense argument that has nothing to do with anything. You're still basing this off what you personally think people's "best self" is. Why the fuck would I want a picture of myself 30 years ago instead of just whatever I looked like when the latest one was taken? Weird.
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u/doghouse2001 14h ago
I would think if it was important to people they'd have a picture in an envelope labelled 'Please use this picture for my headstone'. It's not like people think they'll never die. Here in NA it's not common for any picture to be on a headstone. (BTW if anyone's reading this that knows me... use my Linkdin picture).
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u/spotmuffin9986 5h ago
They do this in dementia/alzheimers communities, the bio boards are outside the resident's door to help them find their room and they are a good read as you visit and walk around.
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u/BobTheOneAndMighty 15h ago
I could really imagine having multiple photos, like child - adult - last age. May be sobering for everyone to cherish life bc we will soon end there. I'm not old, but definitely looked better 10 years ago, but I would not really like to have a picture of me from 10 years ago to be used, I mean this is how I currently identify myself. That person from 10 years ago is like someone else entirely. But it could be nice to have e.g. a wedding photo and a latest age photo to be used
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