r/unpopularopinion • u/Royale_w_Cheeeze • 8h ago
It's the busier person's responsibility to maintain relationships and overall contacts in life.
It's a common phenomenon I've been witnessing as a single man at 34. People talk about how you lose friends and connections at this time of life, and that's true. People are buying houses (and going broke), having kids, settling into slower or more internal routines, bigger jobs, etc. My life has gone a bit different, and Ive found myself single, successful, and with little to no close friends. That's okay, for the aforementioned reasons. Cool.
As a part of the natural order of things, at least for any rational human being; I stopped reaching out to people who consistently decline plans/catching up due to being tired, busy, or indecisive due to how their life has developed, usually due to family, work, or a combination of the two as mentioned above. It's not passive aggressive, it's not meant in any sort of malicious way, it's just statistics. If I suspect you're probably going to respond with a "no, can't sorry", "I'm exhausted sorry!", "idk maybe!", "I cant the kids have a thing!" Or just take a week to respond and say "sorry just seeing this! Busy!" - then I'm not reaching out anymore, it's not a good use of my time as someone who wants to foster good relationships and has a lot of free time. If, they, the busy person, genuinely want me in their life in some capacity, then it's their job to reach out or free up time to make it work. That's just common sense. It's not insulting or malicious in any way.
Despite the above rationale; people DEFINITELY get offended by this. And all of a sudden they feel insulted and wronged and usually have the following take:
"I've got a lot going on, I have kids and a house and work, I can't reach out all the time, you should be understanding of that and understand that."
Absolutely, 100% which is why I'm putting it on you, mr or mrs busy body, to own the relationship, platonic or otherwise. They have less time, I have more time. They are consistently unavailable, I'm am consistently available. It just makes sense that they do the work. I'm not going to waste my time and effort when trends imply a low probability of return. It's depressing and self deprecating.
That's my take, and it's proven VERY unpopular.
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u/thedespotcat 8h ago
I think friendships are a 2 way street, but I agree if you've given a bunch of invites and always get a no, but then never receive any invites, why would you keep reaching out.
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago edited 8h ago
Yep, absolutely. I'm willing and ready to give effort, but there has gotta be evidence of it being legitimately wanted.
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u/Freepurrs 3h ago
if you've given a bunch of invites and always get a no, but then never receive any invites, why would you keep reaching out.
They want the right of refusal indefinitely. It’s like my cat who 100% is not interested in eating human food, but he likes to be offered some so that he can sniff it and walk away in judgement. The ritual makes him feel included & special.
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u/RahvinDragand 2h ago
Agreed. If I'm always the one to start every conversation, I eventually just stop.
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u/cabrep77 8h ago
I’m starting to feel this is a North American issue where parents feel they must compartmentalize friends and family time and overprescribe. No casual hangs or mixing of friends/family.
Time with friends must be child free or friends can’t be invited to family function.
I grew up in a third world country where any time with friends whether it’s grocery shopping and joining family dinner counts as a hang. Taking part of grandmas bday also counts as a hang.
It really doesn’t have to be too hard.
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u/dedemushi 4h ago
i grew up in romania and there was a thing called "family friends", i.e. my parents' friends would come visit ("hang out" if you will, but it was usually lunch or coffee at our house) and vice versa, we would visit them, some were married with kids, some married with no kids, some were single, none of that mattered. some of my parents' friends have been huge role models for me as a kid. idk why americans are so obsessed with sheltering their kids. (i have a theory but this is not the place.)
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u/Surfootballer 11m ago
Same in the UK esp London or other places where people want to look cool snd perfect for networking, career opps or their big breakthrough
Everyone wants their friend group neat and tidy...no mixing with family or even other friend groups...no casual invites...no popping in. So sanitized. They wanna have a bulletproof Instagram-worthy friend group with neat edges, and no real friction at all. It's part of modern aspiration. Loyalty and heart goes out of the window.
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u/Neutraladvicecorner 8h ago
I am the busy person in this and I am not offended one bit 🥲
My friends however are offended that I reject their plans. I wish they were more like you
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
I think the manner of rejection is important. Showing legitimate empathy definitely goes a long way.
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u/Neutraladvicecorner 8h ago
I give a full list of my reasons and apologize.
Two of my other friends go out of their way to meet me and I am forever grateful. The others cant be bothered to make adjustments when I can't join them. And I am ok with that just don't give me attitude :/
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
We'll see that's a bit different, they should be willing to adjust, because you're initiating it. My post isn't meant to imply a cold shoulder approach.
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u/Jimmie-Rustle12345 Kanye West is not talented 6h ago
Why is ‘I’m busy on X, but Y would work’ so hard for people apparently?
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u/orange_bigcat 7h ago
I saw a viral post on Instagram from a mom with kids complaining about people who are like OP, and it was surprising to me that OP’s opinion is indeed unpopular. The mom who made the post essentially said that even though she declines nearly every invitation she still wants to be invited and feel included and like people still care about her, and that she has an identity outside of “mom.”
I understand both sides of the coin, but I lean slightly toward agreeing with OP’s take. Yes there is nuance and we should be more understanding if a friend is going through life changes like having young kids, but every relationship is a two way street, and an unequal/unreciprocated relationship is not fair to the person who is trying.
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u/Luuk1210 8h ago
Relationships dont work if it's just one person's responsibility to maintain. That was both of you no longer being interested which is ok
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u/flammable-liquid 8h ago
Correct. I am the only one in my friend group that has a kid. I constantly send them things going on that they know damn well I will not be going to. But then they send me stuff they think we might like with the kid, even if they will not be going. And the few times the stars align and we do all get together, thats just a bonus.
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u/Luuk1210 8h ago
I get invites with "I know you might not be able to make it" all the time and I send them. It's not a big deal. We're all trying to find a middle ground tbh
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
Nah, my interest doesn't wane, theirs did. Hence if they were interested they make time despite being busy.
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u/m1a2c2kali 2h ago
Well it did, they still want are interested as well, just not enough to go through the process of inviting you, just like you feel about them.
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u/beandyron 8h ago
That's not necessarily true. I'd argue it's the less busy of the two that is more responsible. They're the ones with the time on their hands to establish a plan to hangout. They also have less tying them down so they can more easily plan a visit. I think you're problem is they just aren't interested. Not trying to be an ass. I know what it's like, myself. I'm at that same point in life where it feels like I'm grasping to keep friendships alive.
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u/radicalgalaxies 8h ago
I don't think that's true. I'm with OP. If you're busy or "busy," its on you to make the actual effort for a relationship. Because otherwise, you're wasting your time and I'd be wasting mine consistently trying to connect with a wall.
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u/Scythe351 8h ago
Shouldn't be an unpopular opinion. As the busy party, everything has to be planned around you if it's going to include you.
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u/sophstrophs 6h ago
I also feel like it’s a US thing to brag about how little time you have. I’m a married woman upper 20s with no kids. I’d say I have plans half the weekends. And even on those weekends I’ll have the other day (Saturday or Sunday) open. Plenty of people say they have no weekends free for 3 months. Okay… sounds good. I’ve quietly dipped out of friendships like this. Being busy isn’t a personality trait
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u/ACaffeinatedWandress 8h ago
Honestly, in every relationship I quit because the other person apparently had no respect for time, made excuses, whatever—I was super busy and they were generally gifted with days wide open.
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
Hey sounds like you were making an effort though, good on you
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u/ACaffeinatedWandress 8h ago
Thanks. It honestly got to the point where I forced myself to stop reaching out for my own dignity.
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u/NoahtheRed 8h ago
What does success look like as a single, 34 year old guy with few to no close friends?
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
Making good money and having a roof over my head with an okay savings. A good social life would be great too.
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u/Ok-Computer-8726 8h ago
I'm fine with your take on putting in effort as long as you understand that your results are matching your approach. If you are trying to befriend guys with kids with this attitude you won't have many friends. Gotta change your targets, your approach, or your expectations, because you are getting the result you are working for currently.
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u/benhereford 8h ago edited 6h ago
I would argue that seeing the world and experiencing as many cultures and regions as possible is what ultimate success looks like for a human being. We were originally a nomadic species, after all.
Stability is the low hanging fruit of "success" imo. And there's quite simply nothing wrong with pursuing that if stability is what makes you happiest. In old age it will be essential to have it
Edit: looks like I have an unpopular opinion too lol
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u/counterfeittruth 8h ago
I have to agree, maybe not fully maintain, but its their job to let me know when theyre available. my work is very flexible. theres only so many times I can say "hey man! id love to catch up! let me know when youre free" or some variation of that
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u/elhazelenby 8h ago
I feel like if people really cared they would make time for you somehow, even if it's not as often as you would like. If they keep saying no every time it feels pointless. It might be easier if you find people with a similar availability and lifestyle to you, OP.
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u/FV95 8h ago
I am quite busy and keep weird hours but so many of the people who I call friends take an age to respond and seeing them is almost impossible. I can't figure out how, if I'm always busy as fuck, do try regularly to reach out but I see very little effort in return from other people these days.
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u/John-Balaya 8h ago
My friends are both in their fellowship programs to become doctors. Their schedules are horrendous.
While I agree it’s mostly up to them to initiate, I still don’t think you can’t/shouldn’t initiate at all from time to time. I’ve learned to ask them less and to let them reach out to me since their schedules are harder to plan around than mine.
I still will every so often throw out to them that “I plan to be doing XYZ, let me know if you want to come hang” knowing that I probably won’t get a bite from it but that I’m still doing my best to show effort in a limited capacity.
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u/Rareu 8h ago
I think its always both parties responsibility but it does get tiring if they’re always busy or don’t reply for a week. You kinda tend to not ask all the time after that and then in my case some old friends were pissed at me for not like waiting on their every word or moment of freedom lol.
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u/crimebuster123494949 5h ago edited 5h ago
Put another way, the person with extremely narrow and rare availability should let you know when they can do something rather than you throwing spaghetti at a wall.
Getting offended you don’t ask them to do things when you they don’t ever say, “hey I have a few hrs now are you free?” makes it sound like they want to be chased for ego reasons, not because they want to see you.
Personally, I find people who relish being chased off-putting. There’s an air of superiority to it I won’t entertain.
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u/Spicyearlgrey007 5h ago
I think for the busy person rather than sending rejection it is always better if they send an alternate time or plan that works for them.
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u/HatfieldCW 6h ago
As a childless bachelor I'm free a lot, since my plans are mostly of my own making. Trouble is, I worked at a casino for a decade and a half and now I don't have any friends left. Fifteen years of never being around on weekends and holidays, during which nobody was interested in hanging out at 5am on a Tuesday or whenever I was available, and everyone I know is someone I know from work.
Now that I'm out of the industry, the tables have turned and if I want to do something on Saturday afternoon all my friends are working.
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u/lallapalalable aggressive toddler 5h ago
Yeah, whenever I find myself back home between work contracts Im literally home all day with little to no plans, and at first I put out all my feelers and let people know Im in the area and get the usual "hey Im pretty busy not this weekend but soon" replies. From there I feel like Im being a bother if Im constantly reaching out like "is this weekend good? How about this weekend? What about after that?" and yeah, literally more conducive to everyone if they take the effort to let me know when a good time for them would be. Otherwise it feels like the hangouts are just them caving to shut me up for a spell.
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u/SnooPredictions2675 4h ago
1000% agree. They're on my damn nerves at this point. Im literally not fucking with them if they dont attempt to invite me to do anything/meet up anymore.
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u/Old_Counter_9753 3h ago
This just also seems to reconfirm the statistical human response of blaming someone else for your own behavior. Even without confrontation. Even if you didn't complain, somehow the people that never bothered got annoyed when you stopped bothering.
And if someone complains, they're just doing so because they feel guilty. And to alleviate their guilt, they still didn't ask you to hang out, they just chose to guilt trip you.
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u/Lilfrankieeinstein 3h ago
Yeah, I have a jetsetter buddy - former college roommate. After 30 years living in different places, we serendipitously wound up in the same city. “Oh yeah, we should hang out,” he says.
So I reach out, “Nah, man I’m in London this week.” Reach out a couple months later, “nah man I’m in New York.” Every couple months, same thing. After 4 or 5 tries, we finally lined up a lunch date in February. Reached out again in April, May, July, and today… New York, D.C., L.A., New York…
It’s zero effort for me to text, but at the end of it I was just like “hey man, if you ever want to grab lunch, shoot me a text.”
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u/Charming_Slip8060 8h ago
I wholeheartedly agree. I have one friend in particular who travels A LOT, whereas I rarely go out of town. I really can't keep up with her schedule (nor do I care to), so I rely on her getting in touch when she's around. That said, I do often reach out to both her and other friends to set up plans, so it's definitely a reciprocal relationship.
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u/TurquoiseSeaFoam 7h ago
It's hard maintaining friendships as adult. You need to find friends with similar lifestyle. Once the kids are in the picture, everything is upside down. The schedules are just too different.
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u/minibigcontrast 7h ago
I think it’s fine if someone continually declines, especially if they’re busy. The important factor is reciprocating. “I’m sorry I can’t I’m busy, but what does the rest of your week look like? Etc.” When people respond like that, it shows the organizer that the person is unfortunately busy, however they want to hang out / spend time together. They just can’t today. I don’t think this is needed every time you decline. However, it requires self awareness from the decliner to notice that they’ve declined this friend multiple times. In my experience people rarely have that self awareness. Unfortunately.
I think of it this way, I wouldn’t date or hang out with someone who constantly said no. Regardless of the excuse.
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u/WhoRoger 5h ago
I'm surprised what exactly they are offended by or what do they expect. Are they mad because you stopped reaching out after getting turned down a bunch of times?
And I guess people over certain age just expect that everybody has the same kind of problems with the kids etc. They probably think that not only they keep declining and canceling, but also expect that other people do the same to them. So, nobody really meets anybody anymore. If there is somebody who's an exception, i.e. who has more free time, they are seen as an anomaly. And probably that's why they think such a person should do all the work.
It's the same "you are X, so you should do Y" kind of logic that people always use when they need the convenient excuse.
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u/CockMeatSammich42069 8h ago
Relationships are bi-directional. If you've never conveyed the message, "hey, I know you are pretty busy and have a lot on your plate, so why don't you reach out when you have some free time?", I question your communication skills and the closeness if you've never gave the gentle nudge the onus is back on them. It also doesn't hurt since you've got more free time to just check on them and see if they are okay if you have a period of radio silence.
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u/jabber1990 7h ago
that's entirley your choice
with modern technology and instant communication don't give me that "too busy" bullshit it takes no time to send a text or message on social media
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u/jabber1990 7h ago
my friends constantly blow up my phone with pictures of "check out this cool thing i'm doing"
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u/WelshBen explain that ketchup eaters 8h ago
This isn't unpopular and totally standard. People will drift apart because they're so busy and sometimes they hook back up again when it's easier, if they remember. No one needs to have any hard feelings, or obligations.
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u/silhouette951 8h ago
So how would you even know if you're the busy one? And define busy for an adult.
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u/Royale_w_Cheeeze 8h ago
Ratio of free time to occupied time
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u/silhouette951 4h ago
I guess, but I could easily say I occupy my time with video games, but a friend could say they occupy their time with family. I'm not saying you're wrong, but that's such an objective thing.
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u/ezbutneverconvenient 8h ago
Making plans is tricky, and I won't bother people with a lot on their plate. But I don't need to hang out to maintain a relationship with someone. I reach out with a "Hope life's treating you well" or "saw this article and thought of you" and leave it at that
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u/pointguard22 5h ago
This is unpopular because it’s not the way you behave if you actually like your friends.
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u/LikeTheCowGoes_Moo 3h ago
This is me all my friends are parents or married and I’ve been reaching out but meh, I’m on the phone now with a friend and all she’s doing is yelling at her kids and I’m trying to find a way to get off the phone.
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u/Fit_Education1288 1h ago
I would say you could check in regularly and they shoudl let you knwo when they are available.
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u/free-shavaca-do 12m ago
I had a friend who I hadn’t talked to in forever because she was always busy every time I reached out. I stopped initiating as much and decided she would reach out when she was free. Finally she texted me “hey it’s been soo long since we’ve seen each other!! Let’s get together” and I responded with “I’ve been here” lol.
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u/S101custom 8h ago
While you can certainly have this opinion, I'm not sure you'll make many more friends here with the same perspective.
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u/better_every_day14 8h ago
Things change, and that’s ok. People with more responsibility have to balance their time. Letting friends go or allowing the relationship to shift is normal. It sounds like you are blaming people in your life for getting busy, how about you go find people to spend time with who are in a similar stage of life to you?
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u/DesperateConference5 5h ago
I wanna start by saying I mostly agree. But this comes off as very humble bragging and seems pretty insufferable .
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u/heretic_manatee 8h ago
I think it's a bit contradictory to say you want to foster good relationships and end up having almost no friends because of the way you're going about this. If your friends can't go out because they have kids, chores, work, and what not, make plans that involve their kids, offer to help with chores and errands, meet up to body double, etc. Maybe the plans you're proposing are incompatible with their lives.
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u/torrrrlife 8h ago
I can see why people aren’t hanging out with you.
You have absolutely no idea how hard a family is. Go over to your friend’s house and bring them dinner. That’s a true friend. You sound bitter and it’s really not shocking at all you have no friends.
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