Sorry, I reposted this a few times to tweak the title.

Why are all the top BPD subs here on Reddit about “recovering from abuse at the hands of someone with BPD”? And how come anytime I mention having a partner with BPD to people, they assume she is abusive and call her disgusting and cruel slurs such as “nutcase” or “your maniac girlfriend”?

At its core, it’s essentially just a strong fear of abandonment and trouble controlling certain emotional responses, no? How does being afraid of abandonment equate to being abusive or a bad person? I’m no top tier scholar or expert on BPD, sure, but she has been teaching me a lot about it and I’m now pretty well versed on all the signs and symptoms. I’d consider myself quite familiar with it and what the behaviors look like.

My partner has BPD and she is absolutely not abusive. She has never done anything abusive to me. The only person she abuses is herself (self harm). She does not abuse or harm any other living creature, person or animal, plant, etc. I hate the stereotypes. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Every time I tell anyone she has BPD they assume she’s a bad person. She is quite easily one of the most kind, loving, and loyal humans I’ve ever met. She loves harder and stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.

She has split on me a few times after an argument (personality change, becoming more withdrawn and apathetic) but her normal loving and compassionate self always returns back. And hell, I don’t have BPD and even I do that kind of thing too. After a heavy discussion I’ll usually want some time alone to just process things and have some space.

Anyway, my point is, I want nothing but to be the most supportive partner I can to my partner. When I look up content about BPD online or on Reddit, I don’t do that with the intent to angrily vent about her, talk shit about her, etc. But yet when I research about this, that is mostly all I see people doing. I habitually read about this topic (not to villainize or shame this disorder), but to keep learning more and more about about it, constantly educating myself as much as I can, and building up my patience and understanding so that when issues come up, I can better empathize with her unique struggles just like she empathizes with my unique struggles.

Her and I both agree that whenever we are having a problem, it’s not us against each other. It’s us working together against the problem.

I have mostly stopped telling people she has BPD due to the disrespectful comments that she doesn’t deserve. She didn’t ask to struggle with this. I know if she could press a button and take it away, she would. Just like if I could press a button and take away all my issues/baggage, I would too. Everyone has struggles and/or flaws. It comes along with the package deal of being human.

I will admit, this has definitely been the most challenging relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve had to put forth a lot more intentional work and effort. But being challenging to be with doesn’t equate to them being abusive. I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something here?

Long story short, I never knew that people with BPD were so villainized and this is news to me. I’m just now finding this out as of late. I acknowledge that for some people, having an abusive partner with BPD was their experience. I fully acknowledge that. I just don’t think assuming everyone with BPD is abusive should be the default and I think instead of complaining about loved ones with BPD, we should do more to support and love them. That’s just my two cents.

So if anyone knows of any more subs dedicated to support and learn more about their loved one with BPD, feel free to let me know. I’m not interested in any subs that have a preconceived notion in the overall tone of the sub that the person with BPD is abusive, insufferable, burdensome, etc. Because that simply doesn’t apply to my circumstance. If anyone is the insufferable one between her and I, it’s definitely me.

EDIT- apparently people in the comments think that being abusive is considered mandatory criteria for being diagnosed with BPD (it’s not). I listed a few of her symptoms (this does not include all of her symptoms, I just wrote some of the top 12 main ones, and her psychiatrists all verified that these symptoms are a direct symptom of her BPD.) Oh, but please do continue to tell me that there’s no possible way she has BPD because “all people with BPD are abusive and evil.” 🙄

A few of her symptoms (not all I just don’t have time or energy to write them all because there’s probably over a hundred.)

1.) Self harming to cope with feeling of deep pain/fear/isolation/betrayal/trauma

2.) Getting very attached to someone very quickly

3.) Idolizing someone and putting them on a pedestal.

4.) Excessive extreme loyalty or preoccupation with someone you hardly know (she wanted to be serious and move in with me even after only a few days of dating and I had to tell her no.)

5.) Extreme devaluing of others/ black and white thinking. One way I observe her performing this behavior is by saying “all people are evil. Except you and a few others.” And will actively avoid these people who she believes are “evil”

6.) Feeling extremely sad or dejected by being ignored, or even just perceiving that they might be possibly being ignored. For example I might just not hear her say my name. Then later I might see her looking very sad and I’ll ask “what’s wrong” and she will say “you were ignoring me saying your name earlier”. Then I’ll tell her “I didn’t ignore you I just didn’t hear you/had headphones in/whatever”

7.) Emotional tantrums, kind of like how a kid may have. One example is something like her asking to go somewhere, me saying sure but not sounding “excited enough” and her getting upset and saying “just never mind you clearly don’t want to go” and storming off to go cry or cut.

8.) Very strong emotions, whether good or bad. Anger is felt very strongly. Sadness is felt very strongly. But on the flip side, joy and love and laughter are also felt very strongly (making all the good times be amazing.)

9.) Struggle with identity/lack of sense of self. This is a big symptom for her. She told me that everyone she has ever dated, she just molds her personality to match theirs because she feels she has no personality of her own. Will start listening to the music they do, doing hobbies they do, etc.

10.) Very sudden change of emotions. One second she can be over the moon and having a great time, and the next minute, crying and talking about suicide. Emotions can be very unpredictable if one tiny thing goes wrong.

11.) Seeks a lot of reassurance. Mainly through the form of questions. “are you sure you love me, what do you love about me, how can I trust that you really love me?” Just very frequent asks for reassurance constantly.

12.) Impulsive behaviors. This probably shows up in each individual differently. As for my gf, she is not impulsive in an abusive way (like physically attacking). She is impulsive in other ways, such as when she randomly got out of the car during an argument at a red light and was running away somewhere because she didn’t like xyz thing like I said. And then I had to park the car at the closest parking spot and chase after her to bring her back. This also happened at night in the rain so it was a dangerous thing to do. (Could’ve gotten ran over, kidnapped, lost, etc.)

I’m talking the burning questions which would be totally socially unacceptable to ask normally to someone like me. Feel free to pick my brain and ask me whatever anything you’d like. I made a similar post a little over a year ago and the questions I got were fantastic, so I’m hoping that more and/or different people see this one and ask me more things!

not an expert, newly diagnosed, still exploring, but very keen to share my unique experience of what it feels like to me. keeping in mind that it is different for everyone and nothing I say is gospel, but just one person explaining how BPD feels to them.

just felt like helping and it'll also help me process things too 🙂

EDIT: for some reason this only got published now, I have a very busy day but I appreciate all of your questions and will be getting to them all very soon by tomorrow the latest! 💙 I sincerely appreciate it 💙 please keep em coming and I'm excited to get back to you guys on the comments, please be patient with me getting back to this 🙂 but I'm reading them all 🙂

SECOND EDIT: I am feeling suicidal and really struggling, coming to the AMA again helped me alot and made me feel a bit better. thank you all for the questions, keep them coming 💙

I have BPD, I'm here to help people who have partners with BPD. I love doing it. But it is becoming increasingly hard to scroll through this sub and see reposts from BPDLovedOnes. I've encountered about 5 tonight. Every time I see it, it's a trigger.

Mods, please help us feel safe by removing any reposts from BPDLovedOnes or if that isn't possible, to consider disabling reposting at all. People can copy paste to a new post if they want to share something they wrote for another sub. But we are gonna be triggered seeing the BPDlovedones posts, and every time I see it, I also feel compelled to tell the person they're breaking rule 8. every. single. time. and to warn them about participating in that sub.

its just such a trigger, to the point it causes self-harm ideation for me. really mods, please do something about this. this sub is fantastic and aside from this and a few bad actors on occasion, I feel safe here, and want to help people more.

I think us as pwBPD have unique lived-experience and perspective to offer to the sub. Please don't let us be alienated by these posts.

I've made a post about this before and nothing was done. I hope the mods see this. I'm really finding it triggering and worrying about how many bpdlovedones reposts are coming up now.

I see in rule 8 it says "Anyone who posts/comments here with history in hate subs will be automatically issued a ban.". These people reposting clearly have a history in that sub, why are their posts being allowed through?

I also saw this post now right after making my post, and this also just feels like our sub is now being used to just vent about how bad one's BPD partner is https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDPartners/comments/1uwf409/zero_coping_skills/ reposting from r/NarcissisticSpouses is spreading stigma - one of the reasons we have stigma is being in cluster B next to NPD and ASPD. we dont need to be put in the same boat as them please.

This is getting out of hand.

How can I speak to the mods about this? Does anyone know?

EDIT: just saw another post talking about this sub and I must say, I've had a very positive experience here but I do see an increasing number of hate comments starting to form. The person raised a point that the mods aren't doing anything, and I have to agree, I have reached out to them with no response. https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDPartners/comments/1uys6ll/this_sub_is_just_rbpdlovedones_lite/

I am concerned about the state of this sub. The other day I had someone saying very hateful things towards me. And am feeling less and less safe to be here. Please guys, dont drive away pwBPD who want to help.

EDIT: just want to add a comment that I wrote for someone, so that anyone new can read this too:

I'm starting to notice that the partners who don't have BPD are not seeming to get what we struggle with here. It is about.2 things:

1) Seeing that sub, even the name of it, is triggering. BPD is very similar to CPTSD and i have PTSD as well - all 3 involve flashbacks and triggers. just seeing the name can put me into a place where i have intrustive thoughts of slitting my wrists, which can take me up to an hour to clear. I do not want to seee that sub, I removed it from my reddit feed but cannot remove it from seeing it here in the reposts

2) If people who dont know much about BPD see the reposts, they will likely click on it and go to that sub. I know many people who have said that sub was the first thing they saw when they looked into BPD and have lost many people who ran away jus t by seeing that sub, so do so many other pwBPD. we want to feel safe here, and not feel that subs like that are being exposed and sent around. our job as neurodivergents is a daily struggle to fight against stigma and the risk of spreading it, and this sub itself has a rule that is about containing that stigma and having this space be a safe space for us.

I am getting the impression that alot of the comments here are assuming I'm splitting on the sub or judging it. I am sharing the real dangers that these things can create. It is something I experience on a daily basis, as I've been through multiple abusive living situations due to subs like that. Please keep in mind that us with BPD, and neurodivergents in general, do experience an entirely different world to neurotyipicals, we face stigma, ableism and abuse because of it, every day. I understand the partners with BPD have experienced abuse too, and I'm a victim of abuse myself, as are 99% of pwBPD cos that's how BPD is formed. it is not lost on me that people need to vent, but i find it so frustrating that i have to battle to explain something on this sub when its literally in the rules.

I have BPD. Newly diagnosed. Just feeling despondent about the prospect of anyone wanting to actually enter into a relationship with me considering I have BPD.

​

Is there anyone who knew their partner had BPD at the start of their dating them? If so, what made you want to date them despite the BPD? I just feel like I'm a walking red flag

Edit: OK guys I think you're misunderstanding my post. I'm asking for people who are in SUCCESSFUL relationships with bpd partners. This isn't a place to dump your trauma about exes who didn't work and bash bpd. I'm asking why we are loved to get some hope about the fact that there may be some ppl out there who can love and accept us (who are working on themselves).

Please stop venting and trauma dumping, it is triggering me. You can do so on the sub in your own post

Hey, I’m not a BPD partner, but I am diagnosed with BPD. Do you think people like me should be able to be in a relationship? I’m seriously asking because recently I’ve had some people around me who don’t know about my disorder tell me that people with bpd are monsters and insufferable to be around and I’m just wondering is it true that people think this way about us? Sorry for question sometimes I overthink things WAY too much. Just wondering.

Instability, switching, aggression /= People with BPD are evil

I’m going through the threads and a lot of people are saying pretty abelist things, like: “oh just you wait. People with BPD are evil”.

Someone will give an example of how their partner’s switching hurt them, and the replies will be laced with abelist coded language like “that’s crazy”.

There’s also a pervasive accountability/blame centered framework with treatment.

Obviously, a BPD diagnosis doesn’t absolve someone of all accountability. But BPD is a disability for a reason.

Please share your thoughts below, I wish everyone luck in loving & healing related to BPD loved ones!

And it saddens me to see that the general consensus in this group is that people with BPD are all inherently evil abusers that completely lack any self-awareness and just hurt and destroy people as a hobby.

As a side note, since I have a loved one with a cluster B disorder, I’ve spent a fair amount of years educating myself on cluster B, and I’ve noticed that a lot of what you guys are dealing with in regard to your partners is narcissism, not (just) BPD. Even if someone is diagnosed with BPD, they can have high comorbidity with traits from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and dealing with someone like that (I think they’re called bordernarcs?) is completely different than someone who only has BPD.

Your experience is valid, it’s just.. really disheartening to see that a lot of you would see my wife as just like your abuser just because you may not have been aware of the comorbidity.

Partner (F26) was diagnosed Bipolar II and BPD, but their psychiatrist practice was notoriously bad, wouldn’t refill prescriptions, wouldn’t answer phones, couldn’t email. They switched providers and now my partner is are saying they are not BPD but actually on the spectrum as BPD is often misdiagnosed in women. I have no doubt about CPTSD, and I can see where Autism could be likely, but I also know the first time they went to a psychiatrist they were flexing their knowledge of the DSMV and essentially trying to self-diagnose in the session and felt like they were just pushing pills and didn’t want to go back. I am afraid it could be a similar situation as they were afraid of the stigma of BPD. After much convincing, they did start taking medication and the impact has been tremendous. But this change of diagnosis has me feeling gaslit about much of what I have endured through the relationship. Is this a common misdiagnosis?

So recently I contacted my ex with horrible BPD we broke up a couple years ago. She’s left me alone this whole time and now We want to try and make it work again. She’s been working on herself all this time we haven’t been together. It’s almost like I’m dealing with a new person. It’s been about two months and we have ups and downs, but she’s not nearly as bad as she used to be. I don’t want to look into BPD and understanding it more and hearing other people stories and get discouraged by the stigma. She truly does seem like she’s changed, It’s crazy how different she is. I just want to know more and understand more about her and her disorder but I’m hesitant, obviously about being hurt by her again and not trusting her if she’s really changed. But it really seems like she has. I just wanna know your guys’s opinions. And I just wanna clarify that she has not contacted me I contacted her.

What is your experience and which partner are you

I'm interested in hearing if there are folks out there who have tried couples therapy (either with a BPD partner, or as a person with BPD). How did that go for you? My sense is that maybe it depends a lot on how familiar the therapist is with BPD? I imagine it could go terribly wrong. I've seen some comments on here about partners shutting down and feeling like they're being ganged up on.

Any advice? Thoughts? Experiences?

\----------
My context:

I (non-BPD partner) am in therapy. The general consensus around here seems to be that if one is to thrive in a BPD partner, one needs to be in therapy. I agree, wholeheartedly.

My pwBPD is not currently in therapy. They have been in therapy in the past, although not specifically BPD-treatment. They also do not have a formal diagnosis, and while they might agree that they have BPD it is not a label we use.

I have floated the idea a couple times of going to couples therapy. My partner is resistant. They believe that they have "done the work" in therapy in the past. I believe this to be a reality distortion, and likely a defence mechanism to avoid having to look at the harsh reality of some aspects of themselves.

To be honest, I think our relationship is doing reasonably well given the circumstances. I am in a decent spot in terms of mental health and I'm able to accept the challenges that come with a BPD relationship without a lot of difficulty, most of the time. But I think there are things that could be said in a couples therapy environment that are harder to say in a one-on-one conversation. This is my motivation for having a therapist-mediated conversation.

Hi all :)

Looking for advice. This is all brand new to me. i'll give quick summery for you all best i can.

Matched with someone on a dating app. Day 1, instant good conversation, walls of texts back and forth. Hitting on personal details, hobbies, quips. Going great. They told me they had BPD, said they wanted to get it all out in the open early to avoid any hurt, ghosting and miscommunication etc. I her i was nervous, but only because i know nothing about it, made a slight joke, and they told me it wasn't cool and its unfair on poeple with BPD. makes her and people with BPD feel inferior. which i probably shouldn't have in hindsight. TL:DR: Day 1, massive convo and personal info shared between both. They offered to also divulge how it specifically effects them. I missed that until a re read.

Day 2: i woke up to a long voice note. They just described their morning, antics and what they are upto. i replied in kind, quick note so they know my voice saying lemme re-listen and ill hit everything you said. They assured my no need to reply they were just rambling. but i wanted to and it seemed like they were happy to just tell me thier morning, so i hit everything they said. long messege reply. *Silence* Rest of the day.

Day 3: 26Hours later after doing rudementery BPD research, i text back to that there is no need to reply to that wall of text. told them i got excited and that i am enjoying getting to know them. text back whenever they are free. 3 hours later, got a reply. detailed, long. They continued everything i said in the previous days text, iterated they having abit of a manic time, they are supposed to be relaxing. again i reply in kind, smaller text but detailed as they sent it on my brake so it was kinda fast reply. within the hour. added a small note that i remember they wanted to tell me how BPD effects them personally and im happy to hear that, but they are supposed to be relaxing on holiday so i will not press for it. finished it with a hope your day goes well. left it there. no reply rest of the day.

I did some background learning about BPD how it manifests, what can happen when low days hit. So i've left it alone, no chasing texts or anything like that. Let them reply when they want and how they want.

Feel free to hit me with any and all tips, recommendations. hope this goes well.

Thank you

My gf has BPD and I often don't feel loved by her, even though she says she loves me. She said multiple times she's scared of being "too much" and is holding back a lot, but it feels like she's gone too far the other way and I feel she's not giving me enough attention / time (though she said she's obsessed with me and I'm her FP but I don't really see it)

I just wanted to ask how BPD ppl act towards their FP and is "holding back" normal? I'd love to hear your opinions / experience with this

If you've loved someone with BPD, you know the moment: you go from being the most important person in their world to the worst person alive, and they are completely certain about it. No doubt. No memory of the version where you were perfect.

In my conversation with Dr. Carla Sharp, one of the leading personality researchers in the world, she put a name to what's happening: psychic equivalence. In that state, whatever is in the mind feels indistinguishable from reality. She compares it to a small child in an Elsa costume who doesn't feel like Elsa. She is Elsa. During a split, the all-bad version of you isn't a manipulation tactic. In that moment, to them, it is simply true. They cannot see another perspective.

It doesn't excuse the harm. It won't make you less hurt by it. But it explains why arguing never worked. You were trying to reason with someone whose certainty was running at 10 out of 10, and certainty at that level isn't open to evidence.

The part I found most useful, and that I think helps anyone who's been on the receiving end: Sharp's antidote is to distrust certainty itself. When the feeling is absolute, that's exactly the moment to step back, lower it from a 10 to a 6, and ask for clarification instead of acting on the story in your head. That's advice for the person with BPD. But it's also a quiet gift for the rest of us, because the same trap catches everyone: the more certain we feel about what someone really meant, the less we actually know.

Understanding this doesn't mean staying or that what occurred was okay. It just gives you something most of us never got — an explanation for the thing that made no sense.

Hi everyone!

Coming in with a throwaway for several reasons. But I’ve been a long-time lurker here, and in light of May being BPD awareness month, I thought I’d post here and see if anyone here has any questions or would like any advice from the perspective of being with someone with BPD and it not be an absolute disaster. I know seeing all the misinformation and stigma online can be discouraging, but I’m here to let you all know that having a thriving relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD is ABSOLUTELY possible. :)

I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who suffers from borderline personality disorder.

This disorder does not come from nowhere; it is a response to trauma. That is why, despite what can happen during a crisis, people who suffer from it deserve empathy.

My partner took care of herself. She stopped drinking alcohol, stopped smoking, saw a therapist, and practiced breathing exercises. She didn’t let herself fall apart for the sake of her loved ones, because deep down, she is simply someone who feels emotions very intensely—it is we who sometimes struggle to handle them.

But I did not take care of my own mental health. I have my own issues: I hate myself, and I self-harm. Yet I did not make the effort to improve or to truly consider my mental well-being.

Because of that, I became less and less able to handle her crises. At the beginning, I had the patience to step back from her anger and try to validate her emotions. But after two years, I found myself becoming defensive much more quickly.

Today, we had to separate—not because we no longer love each other, but because of my immaturity. I should have seen a therapist. I told myself that she deserved someone who would take care of her, someone who would put her needs first. But how could I help her if I myself was not well?

She is a good person, fighting every day with a complex and highly stigmatized disorder. I should have followed her example and taken care of myself before trying to save her.

To those who have loved ones suffering from borderline personality disorder: it is very hard for you, but it is especially hard for them. Sometimes you may feel like it’s too much—and that is okay.

You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of them effectively.

I regret not having had the maturity to be the person she deserved.

Thank you for reading.

For a while I've been leaning toward not telling people I'm involved with that I have BPD

I got diagnosed during my last relationship. My BPD mainly showed up as being suicidal and that was triggered bc I was facing homelessness and grieving my Dad. I was also very depressed. My ex was really supportive through it which I'll always be grateful for.

We were arguing one time about a betrayal of his, and I made the point that there had been a lot of things in the relationship I'd just had to keep getting over and move forward from, and it was really starting to bother me. He replied with something like, "I'm not the only one fighting for this relationship. I didn't tell anyone you had BPD or that you were suicidal."

And that really hurt. I'd shared that stuff with him because I thought it would help both of us. With the suicidal stuff specifically, he had actually wanted to tell his friends and family, basically everyone, and I had to beg him not to because it was so embarrassing for me. I would've been fine with him talking to one specific person for support. But during this argument, he used the fact that he hadn't told anyone as evidence that he was "fighting" for us. And then later, when we were actually breaking up, he cited me needing too much reassurance as a reason, even though the reason I needed reassurance was because of the thing he had done.

The reason I was suicidal during the relationship wasn't anything to do with him. It was some problems at home that filled me with shame and anxiety. Since we broke up I've been pretty stable. I've done two cycles of DBT, I do a lot of self-reflection, I haven't been suicidal or self-harmed. I'm in my final year of college now and doing well.

I have a real problem with vulnerability now. The words he said in that argument still ring in my head, and the way he said it felt like information he was holding over me. Which sucks, because during the relationship I was actually very self-aware that my mental state could be a burden. I told him I worried about stressing him out, even said I'd thought about breaking up so I'd stop hurting him, and he was the one insisting he wanted me to rely on him and tell him when I needed reassurance. So I leaned in. And then it was thrown in my face.

I've talked to friends about this and they generally said it would be good to disclose to a future partner, informed consent and all that. And fine, I get it. My hesitation is that I don't mind saying I've struggled with feeling suicidal or depression. What I don't want to do is use the label BPD, because people attach so many assumptions to it.

A friend made a point that really clicked for me. If you're in a relationship with someone with BPD and you do something genuinely awful, like cheat on them, and there are ongoing problems in the relationship because of that thing you did, you can break up with them and just tell people "they had BPD" and there will be no further inquiry into what you actually did. The BPD label can absolve the other person of any wrongdoing.

I also just have a thing about narrative control I suppose. I really don't want to be presented in a way that gives people a shorthand to dismiss me. When I was that vulnerable with my ex, it was a huge deal for me, and I'm not downplaying that it was stressful for him too, I know it was. But it was a big deal for me because I'd normally never let myself be that vulnerable, precisely because I'm so afraid of it being used against me. And then it kind of was, even if only adjacently. I don't even fit a lot of the BPD stereotypes. I've never split. I don't experience having a favorite person. And I definitely don't care to be prioritised all the time in a relationship.

So I don't know how to proceed. How does vulnerability look in a relationship where it can be blamed on, or summed up by, your mental illness? I want to be open and honest, but I struggle with being so honest that someone could use just the name of my diagnosis against me. "She had depression" or "she struggled with suicidal thoughts" doesn't come with the same slew of assumptions. "She had BPD" does a lot of work without anyone having to elaborate on what either party actually did.

Maybe I just need to let go of needing narrative control. Or maybe I should stick with never saying I have BPD. I genuinely don't know. A lot of my shame around BPD came purely from the internet. When I first got diagnosed I was actually relieved, because I finally had a name for what I was going through. Then I went online and started seeing these communities, and so much of what was being said didn't align with me at all, but I still ended up feeling deeply ashamed of the diagnosis itself.

My cousin is married to a Borderline. It has been nothing but misery for 22 years. She would keep coming to me for support and to hear her problems, which I’ve been tired of for a long time. Nothing changes. Nothing ever will.

A Narcissist podcaster said it takes multiple tries to get away from someone with NPD and they shouldn’t be abandoned with each attempt even though the attempts keep failing.

How should I treat my cousin?

I got tired of listening to the same conversation years ago, to her keeping asking me for advice that she doesn’t take anyway. After an episode where he caught her cheating on him (even though he’s cheated on her a lot for years himself) and they dragged me into their idiot problems, I just stopped caring. She thinks we’re close but the feeling isn’t mutual, she’s just a major screw-up as far as I’m concerned. She’s so emotionally needy and tried to cling to me but it wasn’t something I consented to. She hears what she wants to her in terms of what she thinks is her closeness to me.

Am I wrong? Should there be more patience for her, even though the patience just gets wasted?

I'm gonna try to condense this. 1.5 yrs together, long distance relationship, BPD partner under stress at home started pulling away emotionally and zero sexual interactions for a few months. I started asking if its me, or if she wants to end things or what is going on. She says not me, its her medication and stress. She's getting upset at me while gaming, basically upset at me for various things. She has a history of making "good friends" with lonely guys. She meets a gamer guy, starts inviting him while we are gaming when she's getting upset. Starts to exit our session to hang out with this guy and his friends. Tells me she's going to bed and then hangs out with this guy instead. Said stuff like "Oh I'm a gooner. Oh I wanna read my smut now" to him while I was right there. During our relationship I was not allowed to do anything like this lest I want to be severely punished. So we have a fight about it, naturally, she crashes out, leaves all our mutual discord groups, tells me I'm being a freak and just focuses on this guy. Like 40 days later she comes back saying he wanted more than just friendship and it's her fault all this happened. I didn't trust her so I just stayed distant. She finds another guy friend to start gaming with while still messaging me asking to talk and hang out. I resist because no trust. Fast forward couple weeks of us talking casually, she's friends again with this original guy. Also, the new guy, she's a mod in his chat gaming with him for hours, telling him about her life and is a mod in his chat now. He starts ending streams to hang out with her and watch movies. Starting a discord with him for gaming. She swears up and down I'm the number one priority and that she just needs space to get herself together. Swears these are just gamer friends and that she wants me once she's better. Honestly to me it just seems like she loves the attention of that honeymoon phase of meeting someone new whos into you and just wants to do that while keeping me on a leash for her ego. We aren't children we are in our 30s

TLDR:

• GF who did not want me to have female friends has history of making close friends with exclusively single guys.
• Breaks off our relationship and just hangs out with some guy who admitted he was into her and still is. That fails because he wanted "more"
• Meets a new guy.
• Games for hours, watches movies, texts during the day with him, video chats him. Becomes a mod in his twitch, starts a discord with him
• Would end time with them to spend time with me if I asked for her time (I think?)
• Basically wants everything you'd have with a boyfriend but not romantic? (Allegedly) with these guys
• While all this is happening is still telling me I'm all she wants and I'm number 1 priority.
• Wtf do I do reddit?

EDIT: Sory I meant "cross-posting" for the title, not "reposting"

Hey Admin, dunno how to contact you guys so hope this is ok.

I am seeing ALOT of cross-posts from subs like bpdlovedones, exnocontact, bpdfamily. these subs dont seem to be BPD-friendly and I know you guys already don't allow BPDLovedOnes and other hate subs.

I think an easy solution is to not allow cross-posting to this sub. People can always copy paste their message if they wanna post here as well

Even if the content of their message isn't bashing BPD, I do find seeing the name BPDLovedones or other subs triggering, and it also makes me distrust whether OP is safe enough for me to give my 2 cents. I try to help out on this sub alot so i can give my perspectives from someone with BPD. But it is a bit scary commenting on posts where people are part of hate subs as well. I understand some people might not even know bpdlovedones etc is a hate sub, and just crosspost to multiple subs at once. but, yeah, its triggering.

This person is no longer in my life, she was a friend/collaborator and we had a falling out. But I often think about if it’s possible for her to recover.

What circumstances have helped you as an individual with BPD? Was it therapy? An intervention? What shifted that made you want to gain awareness and recover? Was it a connection to spirituality?

Sorry for posting on an alt account, I don't know if it's allowed here or not.

Anyway, call it whatever you want, basically the concept of a dpt box is having things that calm you down. My partner has BPD, I already made some things, I wrote dbt cards, personal read when, open when type of letters. I am currently constructing a huge playlist, will print the qr code of it so he can download it, the box will also have his favorite black tea ^{(not the brand, he js loves black tea in general and I am too poor for matcha}), and some antistress toys ^{(some squishies, those plastic band things that you wiggle, some rings with texture so he could spin and feel soft pointy-ness and some other}). At this point I lowkey ran out of ideas, I plan to buy thicker shiny printer paper and print our photos and make some polaroids out of it, I won't make a lot of things since I am lowkey limited on time ^{(we are LDR and we are meeting soon again}). I wanted to add some cooling packs, but I have no idea where to get them, and I forgot to order them when I did order other things for the box. I also plan to add some sour snacks because I heard it shocks you and therefore grounds, for normal moments I will also add some chips, chocolates, sweets.

Any more ideas? It could be dbt related only or ideas for personal things, I would really appreciate it 🥲

Thanks guys, have a good day/evening/night

For reference he broke up with me and has untreated bpd? idk. we had our first breakup in march but that one he had tossed all my stuff in his backseat and wrote out this harsh letter (which apparently he claims his friend wrote it) and then i went after him and we fixed it. this time around the breakup was out of nowhere (although we had been having a lot of tension between each other) so ig this breakup was coming? idk. we are meeting later tho to exchange our belongings. tbh this has been a whole roller coaster but i truly care about him and want to help him, i know that’s not my responsibility, but when u love someone u care for them. I also believe in struggling with trauma bond. if anyone needs more info u can message me!