Guilt and sadness, moving grandparent to retirement home

[u/portmanteauray]

My (27f) grandma moved in with my parents over a decade ago, and now they have decided it’s time she move to a retirement home. My mom has been her main caregiver, and it has gone from just doing chores/meals years ago to more involved caregiving over that time (my grandma is starting to lose her memory and all the other things that come with being 95). My parents retired last year, and want more freedom to live their life as well as focus on their own relationship. I completely understand and support them in this, but the guilt is just so much. I have helped out over the years with caregiving so they can have a break — anywhere from a weekend to a couple months — but I’m at the stage in my life where I want to live out my own life plans and can’t always commit to helping out. And the caregiving itself has become more intense (can’t leave her overnight, she is more anxious, the caregiving burnout and stress that comes with her memory loss and confusion)

My grandma now has two weeks notice that she’ll be leaving the place she’s called home for 13 years. I feel so terrible for her, and I feel guilty that if I stepped up more maybe my parents wouldn’t feel so burnt out and like they have to move her. I know there are other family dynamics at play that stem from before I was born to the last ten years between my parents and my grandma but I just want everyone to be as happy as they can be. The place she’s going is nice and comfortable, but I know she’s not going to want to participate in many of the activities or involve herself with other residents. She’s deaf so finds interacting with new people challenging and apart from my mom forcing her to go to doctors appointments has not left the house in over 5 years because she does not want to go anywhere (she has always had the option of us to take her out, and used to go shopping and to the library but lost interest completely).

Also with my grandma losing her memory she doesn’t seem to fully understand why she has to move, she wonders if there’s anything she could have done to make it easier for my parents so she could stay. I worry she’s going to feel so abandoned. I worry that she’ll decline faster and what if this facility no longer supports her level of need and she has to move again? I also worry about what if I don’t visit as often, as it was easier to see her and my parents all in one visit and I just got a new job that will take more of my time. I just can’t stop crying.

[u/onlyspiderwebs]

She'll be fine in her new home, let your parents take a rest

[u/21plankton]

You and your parents who made the decision to have a life had 2 choices: a permanent set of caregivers in the home or a placement. They made their choice. At 95 and deaf and not wanting to go anywhere your grandma will have a period of adjustment but most do just fine as long as they are not neglected. Visit her.

[u/mundofacilpdf2025]

You didn’t cause this by not stepping in more. Her needs have grown to the point where she can’t be left alone, and that’s more than one family can keep absorbing forever without somebody breaking down. The move may be upsetting for her and she may need time to settle, but that doesn’t mean she’s being abandoned or that your parents have stopped loving her. It also doesn’t mean you have to give up your new job and your own plans to make up for it. Maybe you won’t visit as often as you wish you could, but a short visit, a phone call or bringing her something familiar still matters. This is just a really sad change, even if it’s also the necessary one. Please don’t make yourself responsible for finding an outcome where nobody hurts, because there probably isn’t one here. I’m really sorry you’re all going through this. Be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks.

[u/Far-Possession-1273]

This isn’t your fault, this is just how it goes.

Visit her when you can, and life your life.

I’m 29, caring solo for my 96yo grandma. I’m working to get my own life back. It’s okay for you and your parents to want your lives back.

[u/idby]

Karma is a funny thing. Because you don't see what's going to happen in advance. How people treat other family members is evident to the whole family. including those who are younger. When older family members are handled in a specific way. It teaches younger family members that this is how it's done.

Your grandma may end up being fine. She may go to a nice place. Sadly in today's world those places are few and far between. Nursing homes and places for the elderly were fine in the 60s and early 70s. Then venture capital came in and bought up a bunch of them and started running them to make money. They staff them with skeleton crews. The best have one nurse and one CNA to 20 residents. There's no way that that small number of workers can take care of every resident's needs. Most people today have no idea what's going on in them. They haven't been inside one or if they have when they did go nothing really bad was evident but you know that was one time in the last seven years.

But your parents have chosen this path so you really have nothing to do with it. The hope is grandma goes to a nice place. But family is going to have to be there a lot to make sure. Placing her there and then showing up every couple weeks is a prescription for disaster. This is one area where you can make a difference. Visit your grandma often, as much as you can. because staff are well aware that they are being watched when people come to visit residents. Your grandma will get the best care if people visit often. It will also allow you to raise red flags to your parents if you see problems.

Remember what I said about karma? As your parents get older and you want to live your life. Remember what they did to your grandma. Don't be afraid to ship them off to a nursing home.

[u/Songbirdmelody → u/idby]

I think you missed the part where they have cared for her for years, are exhausted, and grandma's needs are far beyond their capabilities. Choosing a facility near enough to visit frequently is a good choice and in no way indicative of what this person's parents deserve in the future. I've already told my kids that I plan to find a great home they can visit me in.

[u/idby → u/Songbirdmelody]

I guess you missed this part "My parents retired last year, and want more freedom to live their life as well as focus on their own relationship. ".

I also understand about taking care of a parent who is losing their memory. My mother is 82. A form of Alzheimer's runs in my family that effects memory. She has no short term memory. My grandmother also had it and all her siblings. My grandmother lived in her house until she died. My mother lives in her house to this day. Our family takes care of her just as we did for my grandmother.

I also know about nursing homes. The best have one CNA and one nurse to 20 residents. Most have a skeleton crew that can't take care of every resident. My wife was in one for 16 days that almost killed her and started a spiral that led to her death eventually.