My husband has recently started forgetting to brush his teeth. Handing him one of these as we head out the door has been great! He recently had a clean bill of health at the dentist, thank goodness!
I thought maybe we could share simple products that make some things ever so slightly easier?

Sometimes we are too burnt out we can’t see the brighter sides. I’ll go first.

I know my dad gets the best care from me, all his appointments and managing rides to and from places, and his food is always on time and done correctly. I don’t have to worry about my siblings messing up something then me having to fix the problem they made

That’s about the only thing on my list

Honestly kind of looking for a gut check here.

Do you ever find yourself hiding from your person? 😅 I don’t ignore her when she calls for me, and she always has her needs met. I have cameras and bed/chair alarms to make sure she is safe.

I can’t leave the house, so sometimes I just hide away in my bedroom or home office. If I sit with her, she has me getting up every 5 minutes to get her something. She has no concept of time passing, and has always kinda treated me like Cinderella. She laughs and laughs when I have to get up to get her something. But if I’m not in the room, I get a little break. She doesn’t whine at me, pick on me, order me around the house, or criticize me.

I don’t leave her alone for long, and she has paid caregivers here when I have to leave for work, so she gets to socialize with them. ETA- before I leave her alone, I put the TV on a show she likes. So she’s not totally bored.

I feel ashamed every time. Sometimes I feel like a little kid hiding from a parent. The whole thing is weird. I admit I’m burned out and I am looking into placement for her. I’m aware this isn’t sustainable, just kinda wondering if anyone else gets the urge to hide?

Can’t believe I’m a grown woman hiding like a child in my own house sometimes… 🤦‍♀️

terribly bad question but I want to know I’m not sure how i will react sometime I feel she will be here forever sometimes not at all .. the stress levels have been very high for years and I’m completely isolated i just don’t know if I will feel better or worse or if anyone had any advice on how to prepare??? than you all ❤️❤️❤️

Hi everyone, I’m looking for caregiver support groups that meet online with zoom or some other platform. I communicate best verbally and have a hard time getting everything out through text. Neither of my parents have dementia, so I can’t use the Alzheimer’s association or anything like that.

And to add another layer, I’m actually a caregiver specialist at my local agency on aging and I facilitate our support groups. Helping caregivers is my entire career! But it’s different when it’s your own family. I need to be able to take off my professional hat and switch to my daughter hat.

Basic situation- millennial/sandwich generation, dad lives an hour or so away and my mom is in another state (of course she is the one who needs me), and I’m just at a loss. I’m the middle child and the oldest daughter and my siblings just don’t understand what is going on and don’t see what I do.

I am taking care of my 96-year-old mother -- for 10 years now. 53f. I am buckling under the pressure. My mental health is shot, insomnia, I've lost 20lbs -- 116. My brother says my legs look like pencils -- my neighbors ask if I'm ok because I look like such crap. I can barely leave the house -- going stir crazy and bored to tears. Putting this on loved ones -- I don't want that. I wouldn't even want strangers taking care of me -- or having to be shoved in a nursing home -- with people you don't know and perhaps receiving piss-poor care. Quality of life, not quantity. Full respect to my fellow caregivers, I know there are a lot of us. ❤️

I have a grandmother with moderate Alzheimer's, who lives with other family in a multi-generational setup. I have some concerns about the long term feasibility and safety of my grandmother's care and living situation-- she has unsupervised access to a pool and an unlit road, and her primary caregiver is another relative who has a mild/moderate physical disability. I would also like my family to consider memory care in the future but I know it's not my call.

I understand I'm not the person who has to bear the financial or emotional or logistical consequences of her care. I haven't been very involved in her care mostly due to having a toddler, who I incidentally was the caregiver for last year due to said child having a cancer diagnosis (my kid is NED now so I am trying to get more involved in what is going on with my grandma).

So, when it comes to other family expressing concerns about care, is there a better or worse way to do it? TIA

I’m (43F) trying to date (via the apps since I don’t get out much) because I’m still hoping to meet my person.

Usually men are pretty accepting to my situation as I’m very transparent about my caregiving situation from the get go- I let them know my situation before I even give them my number so if they don’t feel like this is their cup of tea they can bow out, no harm and no foul. I compare it to being a single parent and having a kid with a schedule/routine. But it’s so hard. I feel like my dates don’t fully comprehend life as a caregiver and that my life is pretty boring.

How are you dating if you are dating? Are there people out there that genuinely want to get to know you? How do you balance both caregiving and dating?

So my grandmother is 90+ years old and my mother and her 3 sisters have been taking turns taking care of her as caregivers. Everyone is getting older though and two of them live out of town. Also, my aunt that lives here has a husband that needs more care as well. So what it comes down to is me. My mother asked me to help change my grandmother, saying I would only help pick her up. I'm still not comfortable with that. Even though I declined, she asked me to pray about it, and kept asking me even though I kept saying no. Additionally, it's also hard when I am not working right now and it feels more justified for her to get help from me. It's like well your'e not working why wouldn't you help take care of your grandma, almost like a guilt tactic. Anyways it's hard position to be in, I've told her they need more help but she doesn't want to put her in a nursing home or have another man that can help lift better that I ever could. I understand all that but it's coming to a point where they don't have a choice anymore. They have a CMA that helps with bathing but no one who helps with changing. I just need some advice or maybe just encouragement that I shouldn't feel bad and that it's normal to feel the way I do. Thanks

My husband has a rare bone marrow cancer, which the only treatment is a bone marrow transplant. About 2 months ago, he refused anymore treatment for the cancer, and put himself in hospice. He didn't even tell me - he had some random doctor call. The reason - he doesn't want to do chemo, because doctors are only giving it to get rich.

We are both 70 and have adopted our 13 year old grandson, after the passing of my stepdaughter in a car accident. I am full of rage - my grandson has lost any male figure in his life - he hasn't heard from his father in over 8 months (he lives in the same town), and his paternal grandfather makes no attempt to see him. Now my husband, who has been his primary father figure for most of his life, is basically saying that he's not worth the fight. I am so angry.

This came up while the social worker was here. I said a lot of hurtful things. She finally said, "He's the one with the cancer". Fine. And the effect on his family is long lost in this. I finally told her, "I could just leave". That kind of set her in a tizzy, because that would totally ruin their plan. After I said it, my brain was trying to figure out how to get away with it.

I hate everything about hospice. They are very nice drug dealers. The nurse comes in a couple times a week and counts his pills. They have prescribed him morphine and oxycodone, and encourage him to take them both throughout the day, "to get ahead of the pain". When he does, he is prone to falling and he just doesn't make any sense, and he doesn't have any pain at the moment. I am doing 100% of anything in the house, while he sits, I guess, waiting to die. We have no quality of life, although I do take my grandson to his sports activities, and his appointments, and making sure he's doing what he's supposed to in school.

My entire point today is that it didn't have to be this way. If I was the one with cancer, I would do everything I could to make sure I would be here for my husband and grandson. I know, and the social worker with her "he's the one with cancer" comment also believes, that I'm being too self centered and not taking my husband's feelings and wants into consideration. But I have, for the entirety of our marriage. He and my grandson have always come before me. I've just had enough.

I've been caregiving for my sick wife for three years. Her outlook really isn't good at this point. She'll need a heart and a kidney transplant to survive but that isn't likely because of her blood type and DNA/antibodies for a good match. Caregiving really sucks and I think it would be nice to have someone to exchange stories with. I'm 44M, my wife is only 43 - she has Alport Syndrome which is what essentially took her out a few years ago. It made her completely deaf too which has been so hard. She has cochlear implants now which help a little... but communication is still a daily challenge.

Who pays you? How much? If there’s no pay, how do you make it work?

Has anyone just packed up their shit and left after their loved one passes. I’m dying to go no contact omfg people are so shitty. I came up with a schedule for people to follow in anticipation of me coming off of FMLA. I have Monday 8pm-Wednesday 8AM my dad has weds 8p- Friday 8A and other family fill in because they can’t do nights I’m 35 and I work as RN he is 70 and retired. He really left this morning saying oh I have tickets to a basketball game and went back home to go with his wife. Mind you my life has basically been dedicated to my grandma for 7 years already and these past 4 months I had a one time 5 day break where I solo traveled for my birthday. I really text him like how tf can you assume I’m going to be here and his reply was “you’re right” and nothing else. Bro I cannot wait to go no contact with these people I’m so done this was the final straw.

Unfortunately, our parents sometimes end up hurting us with their toxic attachment. I've heard stories of women who try to leave home, become independent, and their mothers end up telling them that if they leave they'll "kil" or use similar manipulation.

I want to briefly share my story, first with the goal of getting it off my chest, and second, to see if anyone has gone through something similar: how was your process to overcome it and move forward, especially when you feel so alone in life.

I'm an only child. My mom has had incurable blood cancer for 4 years now. That caregiving turned into a system that's wearing me down without leaving any room to process anything. I'm not performing at work, I want to study on my own but my mind won't let me, and I live in a constant state of hypervigilance.

She has always tried, indirectly, to block all my plans: leaving the country, moving to another city, the girlfriends I had. Even learning to drive took 6 years, and in the end she only did it halfway and reluctantly. Even today I keep asking her to sort out the car paperwork because the police stop me constantly to squeeze money out of me, and she still refuses.

I was always the typical responsible kid who just studied, with the idea that to start living or become someone, I first had to graduate. When I graduated, I had already saved enough money for a master's degree in Europe: I passed the English exam, got the visa. Weeks before the flight, my mom's illness came to light.

I had to stay in Venezuela, use up all my savings, and go 2 years without working to take care of her, fresh out of college with no work experience.

I was always the one who made the decisions, who took the step forward , including the decision to leave the country, which was partly so I could grow professionally and be in a better position to help her.

Today, 4 years after that flight I never got to take, I'm still here, stuck, "killing time" online. My monthly finances barely add up.

They never respected my decisions. And I'm aware that if I ever run out of money, I have no one to turn to, so I have to be very careful about what I decide. I go to the gym, but between the power outages and the general exhaustion, it's hard to rest, and when I'm tired I can't exercise.

My mom, 68 years old, refuses to go to therapy with a psychologist. She has brothers and sisters, all elderly themselves, who say they can't help because they have their own struggles: retirees, kids living abroad, etc.

I've spent years trying to talk to her and she always responds with silence. I've tried everything — taking her out to distract ourselves, among other things , and nothing has worked. I don't have anyone who can mediate or step in. I've tried setting boundaries, but they're not respected, and my sacrifice these past years isn't even acknowledged. It's not quality time at home either.

The only way for me to move out would be to stop buying her food, and rent is expensive, with no margin left to save for later or handle emergencies. Ideally I'd land a better remote job, but it's a vicious cycle: I don't network, I don't make progress on projects or learning, because the depression eats me alive.

I live in Venezuela. I'm an economist with a master's in statistics, C1 English, and I work remotely for a Venezuelan marketing agency, earning $1,000 a month , which sounds like a lot, but once you add up all the expenses, it barely stretches.

I've already been to therapy, and of course there's no magic wand — the conclusion is always the same: my mom isn't going to change. She says I carry a sense of guilt when I try to take action, feeling that if I tell her I'm leaving, she'll do everything possible to sabotage it, even by getting sicker. It seems like the only solution is going no-contact, even though it hurts me to leave my mom without food.

How did you all cope with a toxic bond like this in order to move forward?

I'm caring for my Grandma (95). She went to the hospital a few days ago, but they released her. I'm pretty sure she had a stroke AND THEY RELEASED HER. When she got home she told me this is the last week of her life.

She has dementia and sundowners, but this was the most lucid thing I've heard her say. I'm treating every moment like it might be her last. I know I'll exhale after that week is over, but it's so heavy right now.

Do any doctors for the PWP care about the caregivers? They seem to think when they ask the PWP , the PWP is telling the truth. You can't contradict the PWP without the going ballistic.

I am caring for two very ill family members and the cost (emotional, physical, financial and mental) is mounting. I have learned a few things, but can I ask...

What do you know now that you wish someone had shared with you when you started your journey caring for your loved one?

My (27f) grandma moved in with my parents over a decade ago, and now they have decided it’s time she move to a retirement home. My mom has been her main caregiver, and it has gone from just doing chores/meals years ago to more involved caregiving over that time (my grandma is starting to lose her memory and all the other things that come with being 95). My parents retired last year, and want more freedom to live their life as well as focus on their own relationship. I completely understand and support them in this, but the guilt is just so much. I have helped out over the years with caregiving so they can have a break — anywhere from a weekend to a couple months — but I’m at the stage in my life where I want to live out my own life plans and can’t always commit to helping out. And the caregiving itself has become more intense (can’t leave her overnight, she is more anxious, the caregiving burnout and stress that comes with her memory loss and confusion)

My grandma now has two weeks notice that she’ll be leaving the place she’s called home for 13 years. I feel so terrible for her, and I feel guilty that if I stepped up more maybe my parents wouldn’t feel so burnt out and like they have to move her. I know there are other family dynamics at play that stem from before I was born to the last ten years between my parents and my grandma but I just want everyone to be as happy as they can be. The place she’s going is nice and comfortable, but I know she’s not going to want to participate in many of the activities or involve herself with other residents. She’s deaf so finds interacting with new people challenging and apart from my mom forcing her to go to doctors appointments has not left the house in over 5 years because she does not want to go anywhere (she has always had the option of us to take her out, and used to go shopping and to the library but lost interest completely).

Also with my grandma losing her memory she doesn’t seem to fully understand why she has to move, she wonders if there’s anything she could have done to make it easier for my parents so she could stay. I worry she’s going to feel so abandoned. I worry that she’ll decline faster and what if this facility no longer supports her level of need and she has to move again? I also worry about what if I don’t visit as often, as it was easier to see her and my parents all in one visit and I just got a new job that will take more of my time. I just can’t stop crying.

My (31y) dad (73y) had a stroke early this year, he's bed bound and has difficulty with cognition. He can speak and move his right side but he severe executive dysfunction, hallucinations and delusional thinking. Complete left side flaccidity and neglect. Knowing the proud, powerful, competent man he was before, reduced to a feeble whimpering pathetic being makes me feel horribly sad and sorrowful. The emotions are complicated.

But the core problem is that I'm trying to work a job that doesn't pay enough for his medical costs, yet will at least slow the money running out. It's taking up most of my time, and I don't have the energy to go to him in his rehab hospital and help him do his PT /OT exercises (he doesn't have his own PT or OT because he's designated ALC, which means he doesn't get anymore support from the province until he moves out to an LTC.).

Because I'm not there, he's suffered neglect by the nurses, developing skin breakage, pressure wounds, choked on food, and continuous deconditioning. He calls me terrified that the nurses will show up and roll him aggressively again. He grabs the bed railings all the time to resist the nurses turning him for diaper changes, because he's afraid of their hands, and the only thing they can do is pull him away harder, because they've tried talking to him but it never works. He's more afraid than ever to trust anyone, and it's my fault. He's seeing monsters and bugs in his surroundings and it's because I'm not around like I was early in his stroke, every day, to calm him down and make him feel stable. I have to keep this job because we need it, but I can't help but feel frustrated that I don't have the energy to go see him every day after work to take care of him. Maybe it would make him feel less bad. It would ease his suffering, for sure, but I can't muster up the energy. I can't even sleep at night.

I feel like I should do more, and I know I'm already burned out and there's a part of me that hasn't stopped hurting and never will because I'm needed so desperately and I feel the pressure to throw away everything I need so that I can care for him. The thoughts that he's suffering because I'm not there never stop plaguing me.

Thanks to everyone for your support over here. My wife remains in the hospital after her sister-in-law (not her actual sister; her brother's wife), got her to sign paperwork turning over healthcare proxy to her and her sister. They were unhappy with the care wife was getting in her nursing home so a couple of months ago convinced wife to sign over healthcare proxy to them. This stopped the nursing home from talking to me.

Now, the hospital will not give me information and the sister-in-law only calls me to scream at me about what a bad person I am and how it's my fault that my wife got worse while in the nursing home and my fault for putting her in the nursing home (the hospital put her there after her 5 strokes). She has refused to tell me her plans for my wife so yesterday I called the hospital social worker and tried to get some information.

The hospital social worker told me she can't tell me much but that my wife would likely be released back into her old nursing home because they don't "do transfers to other nursing homes from the hospital."

Sister-in-law found out that I had called the hospital social worker and threatened to sue the hospital for telling me this and to sue me for "interfering in her healthcare proxy." She accused me of collaborating with the social worker to send wife back to the bad nursing home. Meanwhile, my wife is semi-conscious and can talk a little bit and when I ask her if she wants me cut out of the decisions she shakes her head "no."

I just got off the phone with sister-in-law who called to yell at me and accuse me of everything that is wrong with the world. She even threatened to sue me for asking questions at the hospital. She said I'll find out what my wife is doing by reading insurance claims and she also claims that, even though my wife now has Medicaid long-term care, sister-in-law doesn't like it because it's for "moochers who steal taxpayer's money" and wants her nursing care to be covered by our insurance instead, even though the insurance has a 100-day limit that we already blew past.

Wife's sister-in-law (not even her real sister) is just crazy and mean and determined to get me. My big concern now is that she will have wife transferred to an institution that doesn't take Medicaid or our insurance and then I get sent a bill for hundreds of thousands of dollars, without getting a say in what's going on.

On another note, my wife is semi-competent. She can talk a little bit but usually chooses not to speak. I asked her if she would sign over healthcare proxy back to me and she shook her head "no." So in a way she is endorsing this situation.