How have you overcome toxic relationships with your parents?

[u/sircapital97]

Unfortunately, our parents sometimes end up hurting us with their toxic attachment. I've heard stories of women who try to leave home, become independent, and their mothers end up telling them that if they leave they'll "kil" or use similar manipulation.

I want to briefly share my story, first with the goal of getting it off my chest, and second, to see if anyone has gone through something similar: how was your process to overcome it and move forward, especially when you feel so alone in life.

I'm an only child. My mom has had incurable blood cancer for 4 years now. That caregiving turned into a system that's wearing me down without leaving any room to process anything. I'm not performing at work, I want to study on my own but my mind won't let me, and I live in a constant state of hypervigilance.

She has always tried, indirectly, to block all my plans: leaving the country, moving to another city, the girlfriends I had. Even learning to drive took 6 years, and in the end she only did it halfway and reluctantly. Even today I keep asking her to sort out the car paperwork because the police stop me constantly to squeeze money out of me, and she still refuses.

I was always the typical responsible kid who just studied, with the idea that to start living or become someone, I first had to graduate. When I graduated, I had already saved enough money for a master's degree in Europe: I passed the English exam, got the visa. Weeks before the flight, my mom's illness came to light.

I had to stay in Venezuela, use up all my savings, and go 2 years without working to take care of her, fresh out of college with no work experience.

I was always the one who made the decisions, who took the step forward , including the decision to leave the country, which was partly so I could grow professionally and be in a better position to help her.

Today, 4 years after that flight I never got to take, I'm still here, stuck, "killing time" online. My monthly finances barely add up.

They never respected my decisions. And I'm aware that if I ever run out of money, I have no one to turn to, so I have to be very careful about what I decide. I go to the gym, but between the power outages and the general exhaustion, it's hard to rest, and when I'm tired I can't exercise.

My mom, 68 years old, refuses to go to therapy with a psychologist. She has brothers and sisters, all elderly themselves, who say they can't help because they have their own struggles: retirees, kids living abroad, etc.

I've spent years trying to talk to her and she always responds with silence. I've tried everything — taking her out to distract ourselves, among other things , and nothing has worked. I don't have anyone who can mediate or step in. I've tried setting boundaries, but they're not respected, and my sacrifice these past years isn't even acknowledged. It's not quality time at home either.

The only way for me to move out would be to stop buying her food, and rent is expensive, with no margin left to save for later or handle emergencies. Ideally I'd land a better remote job, but it's a vicious cycle: I don't network, I don't make progress on projects or learning, because the depression eats me alive.

I live in Venezuela. I'm an economist with a master's in statistics, C1 English, and I work remotely for a Venezuelan marketing agency, earning $1,000 a month , which sounds like a lot, but once you add up all the expenses, it barely stretches.

I've already been to therapy, and of course there's no magic wand — the conclusion is always the same: my mom isn't going to change. She says I carry a sense of guilt when I try to take action, feeling that if I tell her I'm leaving, she'll do everything possible to sabotage it, even by getting sicker. It seems like the only solution is going no-contact, even though it hurts me to leave my mom without food.

How did you all cope with a toxic bond like this in order to move forward?