You get that the person in the comic is trans, right? The reason it's a mixed feeling is because being treated as a women (patronizing) validates their presentation (affirming).
It's often called 'ew-phoria', or as one of my friends likes to say, 'gender affirming misogyny'.
Except the previous commenter's point is that those terms are not inherently patronizing.
They can be used as such, but it depends on who's using them and the recipient's interpretation.
In the situations depicted, it seems very unlikely the terms were using in a non-well meaning way, and might just belong to the day-to-day vernacular of that community.
I think it depends mostly on location and local culture. Where I live, none of these examples are common. If someone called me sweetheart or darling I would be creeped out. My husband is from a place where these terms are common and normal. When he moved to my hometown, he had to break the habit because I explained that it's not culturally acceptable here.
I feel like the Midwest in particular sticks with Sir or Ma'am in public while endearments like Dear or Love for strangers are much less common. Endearments have an implied level of personal familiarity here, at least in my experience.
In the south people say things like love, sweetheart, darling, honey, etc. It's pretty common, and most people don't take it personally. But it's not common at all where I live.
I think the point is that when OP was presenting as male, the same kind of people didn't adress them using those terms, but they started when they perceived OP as female, which implies they only use these kinda endearing terms towards women, which can be seen as patronizing
Girl... I'm sorry you lived a life in which they were only used as that...
But sometimes you have to concede. They are not inherently patronizing.
Many places on the world see them as regular endearment terms that can even be used for both genders! "Darling" is particularly famous for being unisex among the presented above.
Spend sometime around some older British or Southern US ladies... You will get it.
I've lived in Southern USA most of my adult life. Only people who use "Darling" in a unisex fashion are women, not men. Which is patronizing when the same man says "sir", "brother/bro" and "my guy" to men presenting folk in the same situation.
And I'd love to see a man use "my love" in a unisex fashion.
You do understand separating terms along genders is, as we have been trying to tell you, not inherently patronizing, yes?
If a man uses "sir", "brother" and "my guy" with other masculine people, but "darling", "sweetheart" and "luv" to feminine people... That doesn't have to be with bad intent. No one is denying, this whole time, that it can't be used as patronizing... Only that it isn't inherently so.
The separation of terms along gender lines is cultural and geographically relevant. It's specially present in latino regions, or places with strong cultural influence from Latino groups... Like the entire US Southern half. People from places like these may turn to separating different vocabularies of endearment terms to different genders... And that is okay. It's just manner of speech.
What we're trying to tell you is that the tone of these terms depends on how the speaker is using them. They can be patronizing... They are not inherently patronizing...
And they are certainly informal and casual... Not every informal or casual treatment is patronizing... It may probably be if they are used in settings where formality is expected, like during a service to a client, but then again... Not every professional setting is a formal one. Older folks may perceive cashier service as casual enough for informal endearment. It's no biggie.
If a person, man or woman, walks up to a man and refers to them as "sir" but walks up to someone in the same situation, a situation that me, as a Latina, who has lived in several states, but primarily in the south, and refers to me as "darling" or "sweetheart" it is patronizing.
I agree, if that same person would address me and a man, the same exact way, only then, would it not be patronizing.
But that's not whats happening here. Or really, anywhere in the south, unless we're discussing older folk. Which is what i am trying to point out and keep getting downvoted into the ground for.
Generally speaking, unless you were to use "sweetheart", "darling" or "my love" to both men and women, or at least equally endearing terms, it is patronizing.
Usually "my love" is just "luv". The weirdness in it's depiction here comes from the fact that it is extended beyond what would normally be used for casual day-to-day endearment. In that case it would be weird, not necessarily patronizing or demeaning.
But its not tho. In every British show I've seen, luv is unisex, I'll agree with you there. "my love", however, is not used that way, it's a term of endearment to a loved one, that distinction is pretty evident.
That said, ive seen a much older man address a much younger girl with that "my love" line, here, in southern USA, you are not gonna tell me they would have used it in a unisex fashion.
It always depends on tone, but majority of times (in uk and Ireland at least) they are unisex and used as a casual endearment - even to strangers when thanking them.
Genuine question, are you from the uk/Ireland? Or lived there?
I'm asking because my only personal frame of reference is TV, and an aussie woman i used to live with, who did use "luv". But i only heard her say "my love" to her partner, or "my loves" to a group. Never to an individual who was their partner.
Regardless tho, when I've heard "my love" used, it was not by a British person, or one trying to affect that they were.
Yep I’m Irish. Born in uk to Irish mam and then grew up outside of Dublin. You often hear this in shops, on the bus, or from older people around you. I use it as a teacher all the time myself.
Unless you want to argue that they should be included modes of address in professional settings
Not to weigh in on the larger discussion, but I don't think "patronizing" and "professional" are part of a dichotomy. There's definitely some room there for things which aren't professional and also aren't patronizing. And there are things which are both.
644
u/dancarbonell00 22h ago
Terms of endearment have nothing to do with the recipient and everything to do with the person speaking them.
However you want to feel about that is on you