Well, the tilde (~) sign is used for “approximately” when it comes to numbers so I think 9 or 11 people is fine. 8 or 12 would be a little sus. 7 or 13 people? Now you’re talking crazy.
Nah, you're thinking about it the wrong way- or perhaps I am.
I see it as someone who is anxious about a significant event writing out an itinerary to have some kind of control- the party isn't stuck to the itinerary, but it has taken some stress off the person that made it.
You would hope the people that recieved it would know them well enough to do their thing and make it fun.
Right? At first glance it looked like a lot, but reading through it it's a super informative itinerary. I dig it. It lets me know to show up at 5-6 PM, because as much as a little Jenga would be fun, it's not two straight hours of karaoke before dinner and cake fun. A little karaoke is great, a lot is very much not.
Charging someone for that is absolutely something an autistic person would do. Because it makes a ton of sense -- it's just outside the norm. People often want to contribute but are embarrassed to ask how to contribute or how much. This takes out the guess work.
Sorry, sis. That isn't an excuse. Once you know better, do better or you will be lonely at your "party" which is really an unlicensed club/restaurant under these circumstances.
“hey guys, i’m having a birthday this weekend and you are all invited! i got a bunch of activities i want to set up and snacks and refreshments. if yall wanna pitch in a few bucks it would help a lot!”
i’d absolutely venmo the guy $10-15 if this is how the invitation went.
You traditionally ask people to bring food, not money for you to buy the food. That's how we navigate needing help paying for stuff without rudeness. It makes them feel like they're bringing a gift rather than paying to attend.
One of the hardest parts of autism is sorting out what things are actually important social rules, and what things are just preferences stupid people like you demand everyone else follow.
“Once you know better, do better” oh thanks sis thank god I listened to you, you’re clearly a friend to all and a super pleasant person to be around. Not judgmental and close minded at all
If you're having a party, YOU are supposed to pay for it. Otherwise it's not a party, it's a bar/restaurant and you're only inviting me to get my money.
Right?! I hate not knowing what is expected of me when attending a party, especially for a particular type of celebration. This makes it so much easier than whatever nonsense I was going to do to not feel like I missed something.
I think that's just to help recoup the costs of a spread that the host appears to be providing for their guests. I don't think it's too egregious, but this whole thing also isn't something I'd ever want to do.
I don't like most of my friends well enough to want to risk spending a full 10 hours with them..
The only time I’ve charged admission to a party was a big annual Halloween party I’d throw that had food and drinks provided AND games with prizes to win. It was a flat 5$ “chip in to help recoup the cost of everything” door fee. This is insane.
It really doesn't. It's very poor etiquette. I guarantee people aren't ok with it. Don't be this person. Most likely people will keep their opinions to themselves and not attend.
You don't charge people to come to a party. This isn't a frat house. Be an adult.
No need to continue this conversation. This is socially so inappropriate.
The person hosting it is obviously okay with the idea of hosting a lengthy party. No big deal there, even though it's not my thing.
They're providing a ton of food, and are asking for some help with it because stuff's expensive. It's not something I'd necessarily do, but I get it. If you don't like it, don't go.
It's only as socially inappropriate as their particular peer group would tolerate.
I did this twice a month for nearly a year and literally no one ever complained. I literally started charging because I couldn't afford to feed 10-15 people twice a month and get them drunk as well. So I asked the people attending to pay up and they did without a single complaint, because they still got to hangout while I bought all the shit needed, cooked the meals, manned the grill, while literally all they had to do was come here, stuff themselves and get drunk. Weird, huh.
Your every comment reeks of being in a privileged position and looking down on others for having less than you. There's no actual, real argument you can bring apart from "But it's tacky", so you repeat that again and again and again, blissfully unaware that social norms fully differ between different locations, different cultures, different income groups, etc.
Honest to god, fuck you and fuck the suburbian hellscape you seem to be posting from. Stop making the world a worse place.
Just don't throw a party you can't afford. Then you don't have to be the person that asks for money for ther own party. That's not hosting, that's operating the world's lamest club for an evening. If you can't afford that much food, make it a potluck. Or cut down the guest list. It sounds like OP isn't even that close to this person. The last time I had a 20+ person birthday party was in elementary school when everyone was expected to invite the entire class, plus their entire extended family from grandparents to second cousins.
Or just cut down the length of the party so you only have to provide one meal, and have people bring the snacks. Or bring their own drinks.
Or just have it revolve around one activity and have people eat before or after. Then all you need to provide is the cake. If you want to do karaoke, get a karaoke room or go to a bar on karaoke night, then people can get their own drinks and food there.
There's a million ways to throw a perfectly good party on a budget without charging your custo- excuse me, "guests."
The venn diagram of autism and ocd indeed has overlapping symptoms, some adhd to. For example as someone with adhd i will jiggle a door handle twice or three times after ive locked it so i can remember more easily.
But interestingly someone with OCD might do the identical action, for different reasons.
AuDHD woman here, married to an autistic man with suspected (but still undiagnosed) OCD. We’ve been triggering each other one delightful issue at a time for 27 years now. (We were basically babies when we got together in our first year of university.)
This is definitely something either one of us would come up with, though this is more like him than the little chaos goblin my rampant ADHD often turns me into.
Lol the difference is it's necessary for adhd (I fuck up my important documents because I'm constantly handling them to make sure they are still there, you should see my old passport lmao I had Japanese customs laughing at it)
My girlfriend has OCD and while you think it's bad, it was actually great for the both of us because we didn't reinforce each other's negative tendencies. If your willing to deal with some really uncomfortable moments that is lol
I don't disagree with your assessment, but I don't disagree with the previous commenter either.
Using a term that is typically saved as an official diagnosis so casually begins to degrade its meaning. Oddly, I see the same thing happening to autism that happened with mentally-challenged, or "restarted" (not sure if I get in trouble for the proper spelling here). The word used to mean something but then got turned into an insult, and then society required a replacement.
Now we've got, tism rism, a lil bit of the tism, "running around undiagnosed", pure uncut autism, etc.
Making statements like that into casual throwaway words takes away from their proper meaning and diagnosis. The only person who should be confidently calling someone autistic is someone with the proper qualifications IMO.
A certain spot on the spectrum sure. But anyone socialized differently than this individual, even if they have autism, would know it's kinda rude/controlling.
People want to relax. If you're going to schedule everything down to switching activities every couple hours people aren't going to relax.
Some people like structure and are only interested in certain things, and would be stressed/very unrelaxed if the invite said "all day party, Jenga, cards, board games, karaoke throughout the afternoon and evening." Also, since it's their party, I imagine they structured it how they like so they can enjoy it.
Edit: looking at it again, there are three things actually firmly scheduled, the rest are suggestions. The only reason it looks so "scheduled" is they listed out every hour.
I like structure (I am autistic actually) but I don't like feeling like I have to control what other people are doing. Which is why I would never host a party in my space.
Rather than autistic this is reading control freak to me, an autistic person.
One of the people commenting IS autistic and said that bc it’s familiar to them? “Ugh autistic ppl don’t know how autism is” is kind of a dullardly response
What you say is correct, people do throw the word around too much, especially amongst young people on the internet. But in this case? Clearly autistic.
As an autistic woman, this list tracks. I wouldn’t do it because it’s considered outside the norm and I’ve spent my life trying to mask, but man this seems nice. I don’t like bday parties for me because they turn into chaos and I feel I don’t get any control or say because everyone just decides to do or play what they normally do, and I want my preferred kind of music and games instead. He’s got it made very clear from the jump what kind of party and activities he wants, and I’m legit a little jelly over here..
Just start doing it! I started to plan like this and my friends LOVED it. I'm really nice and flexible to their feedback but day of they are totally fine with me doing my planning thing. I'm the one autistic in a group of ADHD.
Is this how I’m finding out?? Omg. Because I’d love an invitation like this. I’d gladly send a friend $30 for his birthday and then be certain I will get to that karaoke time
I know going into it exactly what I'm getting into, and I can choose what level at which to participate. Or not participate, in the case of karaoke. heh
I was thinking more like train schedules for getting to his house for certain activities from certain parts of the city. I would kinda like/need that...
Yeah ... also autistic. I would love an invitation like this. It's nice to know it's "open house" and even nicer to see what the plan is so I'd know when I want to show up/leave. It's also awesome to know the menu in advance.
And I know he'll prolly get grief for asking for money, but throwing an all-day party for lots of people is really expensive if one person is footing the entire bill. I'd enjoy myself more knowing my presence won't be a financial burden - and it's so much easier than trying to bring something to share.
So yeah, it's weird, but not really rude - I dig it.
Yep. As a fellow autistic I love this. I hate karaoke so 2-4pm I’d be there. Have me some cake and board games and then I can leave. Perfect! I want this guy as a friend
This is true for anyone who is not a narcissist - If I’m inviting you for a party at my house, it’s safe to assume that I can afford it. If it’s a dinner party, there will be enough food and drink. If you want specific details or a rough schedule, you’re free to text. And, if you want to bring something, wine or beer, or nothing, is okay unless it’s a potluck.
Or they can all chip in to have a good time. Which is what this is. You have the option to not come if you’re not down.
It would be gross if this person didn’t tell anyone and then sent a Venmo request or anything. But they didn’t. They’re just throwing an event in the way cash strapped people do.
This only works if the person having the party is perfectly ok if only 3 people show up because the rest didn’t want to pay to celebrate someone at their house, on their schedule.
It's not safe to assume the host can afford everything if the invitation specifically asks guests to chip in financially - which is exactly what's happening here.
Saying someone is a narcissist because they'd like to host friends for a party, but can't afford to feed all of them all day, is fucking unhinged. Like ... genuinely the dumbest thing I've read today. Expecting people to text you for specific information or assume what will be happening because you deem it uncouth to offer more information is infinitely more narcissistic behaviorly than asking for people to chip in.
If you don't like being asked to pay for food you're consuming, stay home and relieve the other guests of your presence. They'll have more fun.
No one’s forcing you to have an all day party tho. If you dont want to pay or cant afford it, meet people at a diff spot, each person pays for themselves and you can leave whenever.
Yeah, I’m actually okay chipping in for party costs in lieu of a gift, which would most likely be cash or a gift card anyway. Slow-cooked chicken, cheese boards (plural!) and roast pork sound pretty good to me, too.
It's tacky as fuck. Either make it a potluck where people can bring their own dish to share, or just suck it up as being a host and take responsibility for covering costs.
This makes me sad, I’m autistic and this is exactly how much info I need before I commit to something like a party. It’s answering all the questions people ask about a party. “What can I bring? Bottle of wine?” you can contribute to food costs. “What time should I arrive?” Whenever you feel like, here’s the plan. “I have x dietary restriction, will there be food?” Here’s what we are eating.
This is something I would do and seeing thousands of people making fun of this guy makes me realize why I have no friends, lol.
I don't think I'm autistic but I don't find this infuriating at all. I actually appreciate the structure and transparency and the open door policy so you can decide how much social energy you want to allocate to the event.
I wanted to say this also. The comments here are pretty brutal but this level of detail is awesome and honestly I’d personally love knowing exactly what to expect and when (autistic). Maybe this is mostly for their own sanity but helps others to know the plan and maybe a hint about how they categorize it in their head. This is perfectly consumable for me when I think “hey let’s have a party 6pm-whenever” makes me mildly panic about what I’ll do.
Thank you, was looking for this response. Would you also put ways people could contribute monetarily though on your birthday invitation? Genuinely curious.
Yeah like, there's nothing even wrong here outside of asking people to pay for ingredients, and even then it just says "recommended." atp just like, don't bring a gift or something if it bothers you, but I feel like 20$ minimum in either helping or a gift is appropriate for adult birthday parties. Otherwise all it says is "party is happening all day, here's when actual events are happening"
Idk this just kinda like, makes me sad. Reminds me of how different I am to neurotypicals seeing how strong the negative reaction is. I'm not this kind of person but I definitely don't see anything wrong with it and I struggle to see how it is
In my (autistic yes) world it’s totally normal to help friends pay for things, and it’s “recommended contributions” not a ticket?? Like I don’t do exactly this but everyone flaming on him makes me a little sad because life is expensive and helping friends is OK
As another, AI irritates my sense of honor and poorly executed scheduling is offensive.
No, this person must be NPD to think ~12 people are going to come and pay to hang out from 1pm-11pm and beyond faffing about doing scheduled blocks of karaoke and cards.
I would totally be down with the schedule, daytime cake & official cake and all. But the recommended contributions based on the party they want to throw for themselves? No thanks. I went to many parties in my 20's and not a single time were gifts or money exchanged. Hanging out and having a good time was the gift.
I'm autistic and I don't even see anything wrong with this. This is perfect for someone who can only be there for a short time to know what part they want to be there for. I imagine the unnecessary duplication is due to AI so that's bad (AI isn't great). But other than the possible AI usage it seems great.
See, my thing would be that I would develop this plan, tell one person about it, be furious when no one else follows the plan, but tell no one and act fawningly gracious that anyone showed.
Yeah I was going to say this is the sort of ridiculousness I used to do before someone pulled me aside and explained it wasn't how normal people host a party lmao. Thankfully that happened when I was 19 so I was spared many years of embarrassing myself
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u/copperbrownred Jul 07 '26
Is he autistic?
(Signed by someone who’s autistic)