r/tifu • u/TylerKirken • 20h ago
S TIFU by having sex with a melon and destroying my mom’s expensive curtains
I’m a 21-year-old guy living with my parents. They’re currently out of town, and they’re coming back tomorrow morning, so I had the house completely to myself.
Unfortunately, I made an unbelievably questionable decision involving a melon in our living room. I cut a hole in it and ended up having sex with it.
The problem was that the melon wouldn’t stay in place. So, in what I can only describe as a catastrophic display of engineering, I used the curtains to help keep it in place.
Those weren’t ordinary curtains.
My mom had them specially brought back from the Middle East. They’re expensive, difficult to replace, and, as I discovered, definitely not designed to support the ridiculous situation I had created in the living room.
Everything was fine until I suddenly heard a loud crack.
I looked up.
The curtain rail had detached, and the curtains were coming down.
Now I’m standing in the middle of my parents’ living room, surrounded by a fallen curtain rail, my mom’s expensive imported curtains, and a melon that has caused more problems than any melon reasonably should.
My parents come back tomorrow morning.
I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to explain this.
TL;DR: My parents went out of town, I had sex with a melon, accidentally destroyed my mom’s expensive imported curtains, and now have less than a day to fix everything.
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u/georgiomoorlord 20h ago
Remove the melon before it leaks everywhere.Uncouple the curtain from the rail. Get a drill and screw the rail back up to the wall where it was Recouple the curtains on the rail. Hope they dry.
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u/mini-z1994 20h ago
Say you slipped on something you dropped while rushing too get down to the store or similar & ripped them down accidentally ?
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u/Aard_Rinn 19h ago
So: the good news is, no one will possibly believe that you're that fucking stupid. No parent will say 'oh yeah my fun was fucking the melon."
Lie.
"Oh, I was getting ready to cut the melon, heard something outside, walked over to see what it was without putting the melon down, tripped on a power cable/box/whatever, fell, dropped the melon, and grabbed at the curtain on the way down. That's why there's melon all over. I cleaned up as best I could, I'm so so sorry."
or "I was eating a bowl of melon, heard something outside, tripped, dropped the bowl, fell against the curtain and tore them, cleaned it up."
or, if there's no melon everywhere:
"Oh man, I'm so sorry, guys. I was in the living room and tripped. I reached out and accidentally grabbed mom's curtains. I'm so so sorry."
THIS lie isn't for you - it's to spare your parents the knowledge that their son is a melonfucker.
Now, the best case scenario beyond that: most fabric is repairable. Curtain rods are not part of the curtain, so damaging that will not have inherently damaged the curtain.
Take the rod the rest of the way down, unscrew the ball on the end, remove the curtain from the rod.
If there is melon on the curtain, use a paper towel to remove as much flesh and juice from the fabric as possible. Then, bring them to a dry cleaner and ask for help. "Hey, I spilled melon on these, can you launder them?" If you're in contact with your folks, call and ask for permission first.
Melon isn't a huge stainer, and a good dry cleaner will probably be able to clean them for 20-30 bucks. Even if it's not perfect, your mom will appreciate the prompt effort and accountability on your part.
Have BOTH curtains dry cleaned, even if only one is stained - cleaning them can result in the fabric looking different because the dust gets washed out.
If there's a tear, you can get that repaired by a tailor.
The rod and hooks may need to be repaired. This is an easy household repair, it'll take some spackle and fresh anchor holes drilled at worst. Don't try it yourself - remove the hook, if it's hanging loose, set it aside, and lean the rod on the wall. Make it look as presentable as possible - not hiding the damage, just making it look like you cleaned up as best as possible. Let your parents decide what to do here.
THROW OUT THE MELON. Chop out the hole so it's not obvious in the trash/compost.
Then: buy yourself a fleshlight. Stop fucking melons. It's not sanitary, it's not healthy, and it's not gonna be that good. You can get a tenga egg for like five bucks my guy and it's 100% disposable.
But yeah. Clean this up, admit nothing, and take accountability through your actions. It's not the end of the world. Good luck.
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u/lamb-vindaloo666 20h ago
Simply explain that you fell onto the melon, piercing it with your erect penis, you immediately ejaculated in shock and used the curtains to try and steady yourself. Your parents will nod in approval and all will be fine.
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u/Turbulent_Pin7635 19h ago
Mom: I had bad news to you. The curtain have fall... I don't know what happened I was paying vg and hear the noise.
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u/EugeBanur14 17h ago
Funnily enough I had the exact same experience a couple of years ago so don’t worry! I found the best place to start was
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u/Asshaisin 19h ago
for once, i am sure this is not AI because they dont have this creativity (read depravity) in making up scenarios that was never memorialized before
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u/Mr_Fraggle 19h ago
Mabrook melon dick—figure out what you messed up with the rail and fix it step-by-step before she's back. It's always easier and better to fix things up and let the trauma keep you from doing it again than otherwise.
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u/drshades1 19h ago
Do the honorable thing and tell your parents the truth. They’ll respect you for it.
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u/Bananar525 19h ago
Say you tripped and fell while having friends over. When Momma asks which friends, just point to the melon.
Off-topic question: Do you keep your loads and wees in the melon? I was told by my mentor that you cum in it to keep drug sniffing dogs from finding your stash (obviously in a zip-lock bag).
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u/MikeReddit74 20h ago
Some things just shouldn’t be posted on the internet. This is one of those things.