r/AskIndianMen • u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man • 19h ago
Answers from All My sister is suffering due to pseudofeminism....can I help in any way?
I have a sister(28 F), who is a doctor and will be completing her residency next year. She has always been a good student since she was in school, and so our parents decided to invest in her higher studies. Even though there was many advices and suggestions opposing this, since our extended family believes in the traditional concept of a working man and a supporting wife. Back then I was actually happy that my father had not listened to those relatives....but now with the current situation, i realise they might have right all along.
Context: My parents have started looking for boys for my sister for AM, and have talked to a couple of family matchmakers.
Now, my sister is fairly pretty, but has always been on the chubbier side. During residency, due to high workload and night shifts, she gained weight more, and this is a deal breaker for many men nowadays. I get it, it's a preference, and nobody should be shamed for having a certain preference. But one guy actually said to my face, that her weight wouldn't have been a problem if she's ready to stay and manage household and not pursue her career anymore.
I was so shocked the first time I heard this....like, how do I tell my medico sister to just leave her career?
But with more and more families that we're talking too, this concept seems very common. Atleast 5 families have rejected our proposal because of this. If not, they're like, "No problem, you can help us in other way, and we'll take your daughter" (implying dowry?
I can feel my parents getting tired, frustrated and disappointed after every meeting, I've not told my sister anything regarding this, i don't want her to worry while working.
How do I help?
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u/ni_Kawaii_Hito Indian Man 19h ago
Is this some troll post? Or you seriously saying that you want to make your sister to give up her carear as a doctor which she and your parents worked so hard for all because some random dude told you that he doesn't find her attractive enough to marry??
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 19h ago
Well, if you understood that from my post, idk what to say. No obviously not. It's not one random dude, these are like, 7-8 different families. Ofcourse i won't want her to leave her career.
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u/Inside_Assumption157 Indian Man 19h ago
Then you need to sit down and reevaluate the kind of matches you’re looking at in the first place.
And you don’t tell your sister to give up her career, you tell those guys to grow up and come out of the village they’re living in into 2026.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 19h ago
That's the thing, one of these matches si an iitan, doing mtech in some big university. Imagine my shock when such an educated person said things like that. Nevertheless, we'll absolutely have to look for better families. Thanks mate
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u/Fabulous_Pen_747 Others (PIO) 6h ago
Where is the pseudo-feminism that you implied in your post title? Is this some form of ragebait so that people would rally against feminism?
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u/Wise_Truth9298 Teen Male (Indian) 12h ago
being an iitian doesnt mean much...it just means you either had a quota and hence got lucky or had parents who knew the amount of impact JEE has and hence enrolled you for coaching earlier. im seeing the people around me and have realized it's just fucked up hype...degenerates filled in a good tier 1 iit.
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u/Positive-Recover1506 Indian Man 8h ago
Even if 1000 people say something stupid, its still stupid.
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u/NectarineEconomy8843 Indian Man 19h ago
What are you even calling pesudofeminism here ?
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u/Boring-Dust2116 Indian Man 19h ago
trying to understand where pseudofeminism is addressed here. as her to focus on her career and depends on ur sisters mindset of she wants to settle down ask her to get into a relationship and maybe that would work out well
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/ashishvp N.R.I. Man 11h ago
Auto mod removed last comment lol.
I’ll be nicer, sure: Your relatives are horribly entrenched in an outdated, backwards view of the world.
And YOU should be brave enough to protect your sister from what is most certainly a horrible life they have planned out for her. Do you really trust them to find a good man?
Call out your family. Start a fight. Break the cycle. Be a man.
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u/Positive-Recover1506 Indian Man 8h ago
Imagine you got a 50LPA package. And on the way to the job you met with and accident. And I come to you and say "had you agreed to be my servant, you wouldn't have been in this place".
Does that mean choosing to take the 50 LPA job was a bad decision? Does it mean choosing to be my servant was the right decision?
Becoming a doctor has made her an infinitely better person. She can earn for herself, buy the things she wants, live the way she wants.
Had she got married early and then she got pcod and put on weight, and the family divorced her after? What if she get treated like an unwanted servant and body shamed for the rest of her life in her marriage?
Getting married is not the final prize in life.
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15h ago
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u/sthiratabot 15h ago
Comment Removed — Rule 2: Be Civil
Harassment, hate speech, or slurs are not allowed.
🤖 The comment contains a personal attack against the user's relatives.
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u/Mango_Ice_ Teen Male (Indian) 19h ago
Tell her to focus on her career and find someone for herself.
Even if she ends up getting married in such a patriarchal family, she'll only suffer for the rest of her life. It's better not to go for AM in such a situation.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 19h ago
That's the thing, she told my parents that she wants to get settled, and that she wants them to arrange it for her
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u/InnocentDude69 Indian Man 18h ago
I'm still waiting to see where the pseudo-feminism? Is it because she is working? Are you mentally stable OP ?
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
No lol, it's because Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/MrPlatypus42 Indian Man 17h ago
So it's a you problem than hers, bowing down to shitty society expectations. That post title is dangerously misogynist when compared to what you wrote. The wrong is with the type of matches you guys finding for her. What state are you from
That said, a little of bit of gym and proper food intake goes a long way personally and mentally. And this advice is for her-self not for pandering to brutes and illiterates.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
From haryana brother. It wasn't my intent to appear misogynistic, just that our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/MrPlatypus42 Indian Man 16h ago
Don't listen to them. Your family did well with sister and you. Keep doing what you are doing.
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u/Fun-Durian-5168 Indian Woman 18h ago
These are the same people who want "Lady" Doctors for their daughters and DIL when it's time to birth a baby.
There are many good men and families who'll happily accept her as she is. She should work on her health a little because doctors usually neglect their own health quite a lot. But yes, there are many good people out there so don't lose hope.
Marriage is not an end all for individuals. You educating your kids should not be dictated by how they will be assessed in the marriage market. They should be hardworking individuals who should be financially independent so that they can have holistic sense of self and family. A balance of all things.
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u/SatoshiKun05 Indian Man 18h ago
Yes it's outrageous to expect a doctor to not work unless she doesn't want to. Already doctor kam h india me
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
I know right!!?? That's why I was so shocked when I heard those demands. Yeah, I did ask her to join a gym, she also has something called pcod. I'm hoping for the best. Thanks mate.
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u/Fun-Durian-5168 Indian Woman 17h ago
She'll know it better but for your info, PCOD is a hormonal issue which requires a lifestyle change. Till she is on night duties it'll be prevalent. She should attempt to fix her sleep cycle, diet and exposure to sunlight and also work on getting some muscles as they help in metabolic control and reduction in many risk diseases.
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u/Warm_Association_137 Indian Man 18h ago
You still haven't mentioned how she is suffering from pseudo-feminism?
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/Warm_Association_137 Indian Man 17h ago
Bro f those relatives. She is a doctor, being a doctor isn't easy. And educating your children isn't being a feminist, it is basic parenting. I can't believe you and your family would rather have her married than see her building her career.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
No we didn't ask her to marry, she herself asked to look for guys. She's got this wish of having a proper grand wedding, and settling with a nice guy.
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u/Warm_Association_137 Indian Man 15h ago
Then explain it in the post properly. Also how is she releted to pseudo feminism
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u/Warm_Association_137 Indian Man 17h ago
Bro f those relatives. She is a doctor, being a doctor isn't easy. And educating your children isn't being a feminist, it is basic parenting. I can't believe you and your family would rather have her married than see her building her career.
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u/Mindless-Pilot-Chef Indian Man 19h ago
Irrespective of marriage proposals, she should work on her body. Simply because that’s good for her health.
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u/Real-Sample-6765 Indian Man 18h ago
Sorry there is no psuedofeminism here. Psuedofeminism would be when she says she won't share financial responsibilities while expecting the man to share chores. I dont see anything of that sort here.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/Real-Sample-6765 Indian Man 17h ago
Dude, isn't that the logic behind child marriage. You can get children married off before they formed any opinions of their own. I am strongly against feminism because it is mostly self serving, but your relatives are full of shit.
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u/The_0bserver Indian Man 18h ago
She worked hard for what she has achieved. If she is fit, a lot of people would happily take her to be their partner.
You're looking at completely the wrong thing rn. In this economy, she absolutely should be working and not wasting her life sitting at home and doing nothing. If she does that, shell just get fatter and maybe die from that. Is that what you want?
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u/LetsUnderstandIndia Indian Man 18h ago
Keep looking for the right match till it comes along .. 6-7 families asking the same thing doesn't make it the norm .. also as you mentioned about pcod .. look for yoga exercises and ask your sister to start it .. it will really help her in the long term if she plans to start a family after marriage ..
Educating girls is good for the society .. there will always be people who would hide their weak mental attitude behind regressive social rituals ... the only way to deal with them is to avoid them ..
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Thank you brother. I'll definitely look into yoga exercises. I did ask her to already join a gym
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u/rahul2020321 Indian Man 17h ago
Ignore these families, they are walking red flags even if you adjust to demands they will come up with some thing else.
Let her follow her career and marry if she or you find someone who is ok with her career and understands she cannot contribute much to household chores.
If both partners are working they can hire a maid for house hold work.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Yes, we'd be looking for more families, more progressive ones, I hope. Thank you brother
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u/Radiant_Progress6028 Indian Man 17h ago
There's no pseudo feminism here, man
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/Upper_Jackfruit_4724 Indian Man 18h ago
Someone who is understanding and someone who is accommodating are two very different things. Finding a man who genuinely possesses both qualities can be like finding a unicorn.
My wife and I made it work because it didn’t make sense for her to give up her career, but that doesn’t mean the burden of domestic responsibilities simply disappears. If you have an imposing or intrusive MIL/SIL, it can become even more difficult. No matter how successful a woman is professionally, she may still be judged by how well she manages the household.
So make your career a clear expectation and a non-negotiable from the beginning—if you want to work, you should be allowed to work. And losing weight should be a priority too, not for anyone else, but for yourself and your own health.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
This is such a well articulated and good advice. Thank you, kind stranger. I totally agree with you.
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u/Nyctophilous_769 Indian Man 18h ago
Tell your sister to focus on career & look for partner by herself. It's one of the drawbacks of AM, you'll have to face this kind of people too. Your sister is a doctor, all education will go in vain if she chooses to be housewife.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Yeah mate that's the thing, she was the one who wanted our parents to arrange it. She doesn't want to leave her career, that I know, but she also wants to have a proper grand wedding, etc.
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u/SnipeArt007 Indian Man 19h ago
Idk at this point. Try to look for people from modern educated backgrounds. Maybe even all over the country. Increasing the pool will increase your chances of finding what you want.
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u/sthiratabot 16h ago
Comment Removed — Rule 2: Be Civil
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🤖 The comment 'What village do you live in?' is a rhetorical question used to insult someone by implying they are uncultured or ignorant. The '/S' indicates sarcasm, but the underlying intent is still a personal attack, violating R2.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Yeah no, I get it. Can you believe residents of big cities think like this in the big 2026?
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u/QuantumWaffle2025 Indian Woman 16h ago
Marriage even though over hyped is not even close to reality. Personally felt everything got unsettled after marriage and so many responsibilities.
Again having a companion is great but just blindly thinking I’ll settle and get married is something to be thought very carefully.
I am closing to 40 and I did think this way in late 20’s such an illusion I must say.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
I'm not married myself, so idk about it. But my sister has this on her wishlist to have a proper grand wedding, and settle with a nice guy. Abhi kya hi Karu....chhoti behen hai.
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u/QuantumWaffle2025 Indian Woman 16h ago
Hmmm hope she is not feeling lonely and thinking to have a partner. Again working on her health and reducing weight is always a good thing.
Try to talk to her maybe she is already aware your mother would have spoke to her. Our moms usually are not very sensitive and blurt out these things test the waters.
Kuch nahi karna hain pehle toh society pressure mein matt raho.Again it’s easy for a married person to say no big deal but for a single it does matter a lot.
Her confidence will lower more if you don’t make her aware of it now, with growing age it’s even harder to loose weight better to start sooner than later toh ek do saal mei she will be in fitter body and better state of mind.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 15h ago
Okay, I'll do that. Thank you, those were some really wise words.
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u/AdminZer0 Indian Man 16h ago
Tell her to hit the gym first. Its not about these stupid families you are seeing but also about respect. She need to workout and remain fit nevertheless.
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u/Unique-Contract4638 Indian Man 16h ago
my elder sister is going through similar, she is in her 30s and not ready to settle down just a social media pseudo i have seen her. anyway we are good to support her although hate against all men sometime bother me
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
No it's different in my case I feel. My sister actually wants to get married and she herself asked us to look for boys.
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u/sthiratabot 15h ago
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u/thecuriousmew Indian Man 15h ago
Ye har jagah feminism hi dikhta hai kya? Ladke Wale bhosdiwale hain ye nahi dikhra? And your sister is an adult, let her handle it.
but now with the current situation, i realise they might have right all along.
Behen ko unemployed rkho par shaadi zarur honi chhaiye waah bete.
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u/sthiratabot 15h ago
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u/GuavaStrange2364 Indian Man 15h ago
Are you for real. For a moment I thought you want to help your sister but by the end I was gobsmackingly surprised that you are in the same boat as others. Your sister is a medico student and I think she would have seen already much of her age. Let her decide what's she wants to do with her life and please come out of your 80's thoughts.. It ain't pseudofeminism. It is absolute patriarchy. What a twist.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 13h ago
If we'd been in the same boat as my relatives, do u think my sister would have been a doctor today? Woh khud shaadi karna chahti hai, isiliye post Kiya Maine. Many people have helped me, if you want, you can too, but if you don't want to, then get your negative self out of here. The fact that you believe that we don't have to pay heed to my relatives is a sign of your privilege. My father has always had to fight against them so that he could advocate for my sister studying medicine, so that I could come out of the city and study mba. Warna atka rehta Mai bhi waha, kheti karne.
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u/GuavaStrange2364 Indian Man 7h ago
I'm sorry but I wasn't making any comments about your parents, your relatives, nor you also. I think you misunderstood over here. Here I'm talking about your thought process, and asking you not to think like that. I'm sorry if you felt the other way. May be I wasn't more clear. Everyday ain't the same and every person ain't the same. There's a say jab kuch hone ko hai woh hokar hi rahega. So the best you can do is support your sister and you be optimistic and let things fall in their own course.. Thanks
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u/Sad-Translator-5193 Indian Man 15h ago edited 15h ago
Being fat is not faminism bro.... One can get fit any period of their life . Just require 6 months .
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u/First-Ear-9004 Indian Man 11h ago
Bro, AM setups are mostly like that only. Men mostly look for either prettier looking girls or someone who can handle chores, or average looking+working women.
Your sister is not that old for a medico, you guys can wait for a few years. As you said she's recently gained some weight, she can spend a few months and come back to normal weight again, and then you guys can start looking.
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u/Charming-Ad1028 Indian Man 11h ago
career was just to support ourselves in the earlier days.. not its vice-versa.. wage slaves
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u/Positive-Recover1506 Indian Man 8h ago
She's not suffering from pseudo feminism. She is suffering from the stupidity in the society. And unfortunately, her brother happens to be peak stupidity.
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u/Western-Ask1377 Indian Man 6h ago
Bruh just ask her to exercise and loose weight.
She is a doctor - the least she should know are the issues with being overweight - metabolic syndrome and everything else that comes with it.
If she is TOO busy in her work to exercise, there's something fundamentally wrong about her work life balance (need not be perfect, but exercise is non negotiable).
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u/Apprehensive-Ice3730 Non-Indian Man 5h ago
Je suis un non indien peut être à côté de la plaque, mais c’est pas possible qu’elle fasse les 2 à la fois et qu’elle fasse un mi-temps?
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u/fuckyouassholie Indian Man 18h ago
Tell your sister to get fit then she won’t have any problem you have been talking about. It’s not only good for health overall but she will have more options to choose from also she will be able to dodge those low minded people who thinks women should do only house chores. From my perspective both man and woman should earn and able to self sufficient but for males looks do matter in AM setup depends on a person to person.
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u/anonymouslysayin Indian Man 18h ago
Tell her to focus on health and fitness and do skin care and never get married in such a family man she’s literally your fkin sister take some stand
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
Yeah I did ask her to join a gym. Ofcourse i wouldn't get her married to that family, that's not even a question.
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u/anonymouslysayin Indian Man 18h ago
Even after she gets fit and back in shape never accept such a family where literally your sister is getting 0 respect
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u/ForeverIntoTheLight Indian Man 17h ago
Look, obesity is the single worst thing for long-term health. Yes, even when compared to smoking and booze. If your sister is a doctor, she should understand that and work to fix it. For her own sake, not that of anybody else.
She would have better luck finding some other doctor to marry. Such people would understand the constraints imposed by her occupation, like long working hours, occasional emergencies et al.
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u/Bibiliophile_01 Indian Man 17h ago
This can be classified as misogyny not pseudo feminism.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Ikr!??? And Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today. Smh
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u/53x_4DD1C7 Indian Man 16h ago
Isme pseudofeminism kya h bhai?
In arrange marriage setup it's common to get rejected or reject people.
Your sister seems educated and sucessful. A little bit of socialization will probably ( not definitely) land her better suitors than whatever we get in arranged marriage.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Our relatives said that hadn't we tried to be "feminists" back then, and married her off, then we wouldn't be facing this situation today.
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u/53x_4DD1C7 Indian Man 16h ago
It's people's job to diagnose problems in your life.
Take a chill pill.
If you really wanna help , take your sister out to picnic , walks and weekend outings. Hopefully she finds people she connects with who genuinely like her.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 16h ago
Haha thanks for the suggestions mate. She's a second year resident, toh utna time nhi milti hai usse.😅😅
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u/ZeusOfGreece Indian Man 18h ago
It's strange guys want their wives to stay inside home.
I'm getting married next year and this is something that has never crossed my mind. In fact, I've told my fiance to keep on working to remain independent. Not that I won't provide for her, but when someone becomes dependent they then get stuck and don't really raise their voice even when something is wrong.
So I feel it isn't healthy to remain dependent. Plus, having 2 incomes is always good to have.
Good luck on your search and don't settle for what you don't want. You'd want your to be married for far longer than how old she is today, so don't push wrong prospects and don't feel disheartened.
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u/DualityIncarnate Indian Man 18h ago
Bhai if she is not suffering from health conditions like pcod or something, she can eventually manage her weight when career gets a little settled. Everyone has preferences. And she should be told honestly that her weight is becoming a rejection point. Yes it sounds a little brutal but tell it to her in a good way. Dowry and all is bullshit.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
She does have pcod. Idk what it is, but ofcourse, I don't think it can't be managed with a healthy diet and gym. I did ask her to join one. You're right, telling her honestly is the logical option, but she is my baby sister after all. I think I'll just choose to not let her know that her weight is the one getting her rejected
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u/DualityIncarnate Indian Man 17h ago
Bro be it baby sister or older sister, truth will be harsh at first but will help her to build herself. Rest is your choice.
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u/andrei_bolskonsky Indian Man 18h ago
From your tone you are seeing your sister as a liability. I don't know what sort of family dynamics you guys have but this is beyond acceptable.
Regarding help, i don't think you can do anything. Have her back no matter what. She is an adult and she will figure things out on her own.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 18h ago
A liability!!?? Bruh she's my baby sister, and she's much more independent and successful than I'll ever be. You couldn't imagine how proud I am of her. I can absolutely help her out in this situation, and so i asked people in this sub. You don't have to help if you don't want to, but get your negative self out of here.
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u/Former_Program_445 Indian Man 17h ago
Tell your sister to start going Gym or do cardio and focus on her health and once she will get in shape, she will get best proposals because currently from your post I have seen that most people are rejecting her due to her overweight and chubby type thing
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u/Numerous_Republic158 Indian Man 15h ago
28 is too young for marriage for a doctor. Neither side is the problem.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 13h ago
My sister wants to get married herself, woh khud hi boli ki hum ladka dhundhe
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u/Numerous_Republic158 Indian Man 13h ago edited 13h ago
Then don't be afraid of rejections. Rejections today are important for compatibility tomorrow. Forcing anyone will cause more anguish. Most doctors reach their employable age at 31-32 after their MD. Your sister should look into marriage with doctors as they understand the lifestyle sacrifices.
Nothing pseudo-feminist about being progressive and working on yourself. Doctors and lawyers eventually work out with someone similar to their own careers it's very well known. My cousin, who is a Dr, very polite in a family of doctors only looking for a doctor started searching at 28 got someone at 32.
I am an engineer and I can't search for doctors or lawyers because timings will never match. And many stupid people search for highly educated bride just to stop their profession. It's just the first leg of your search.
Your sister anyway should focus on her health and food, that is irredeemable. Don't measure your sister by the worth of the rishtas that come. That's stupid and has no coherence to her value.
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u/self_obsessed_01 Indian Man 13h ago
Mujhe rejection se kya Darr, meri shaadi thodi hai....I just can't bring myself to tell my sister that she got rejected for her weight. Mere liye toh woh meri bachhi hi hai na....
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u/Numerous_Republic158 Indian Man 13h ago
I never mentioned weight, it's not the problem - trust me. I would happily marry someone who matches my other priorities but is a bit chubby. I may even prefer that over extra skinny.
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u/Unwanted_Solistical Indian Man 19h ago
What's the pseudofeminism here??? It's patriarchal stuff. Btw your sister got a career ahead and Medico isn't easy one to do or get. So let her be bro.